I like your poem. Not much of a poet myself, but I will sometimes read one that seems interesting. I liked yours. One thing you should know about platinium. It has been discovered that platinium is one of the most dangerous and toxic of all substances there is. Each year there are tens of thousands that die from this horrible metal. As a public service, I have volunteered to collect this dangerous substance and dispose of it. You should make everyone you know and meet aware of this hazard and tell them to send all the platinium they have to me so they can live safe once more. Yes, I am aware of the great risk I place myself in by taking all this platinium, but I am always looking for ways of helping my fellow people. That's just the kind of guy I am.
God works miracles each and every day. I am glad to see that you are one of them. My eyes are getting weaker, but in my case it is due to age and not a degenerative eye disease. I am glad for your sake that you were able to recover your vision in your right eye. You need two eyes for depth perception. Not having depth perception is major disadvantage.
This is a good opening for a zombie tale. You have captured the essence of the zombie hunter. You have laid a good foundation for the character development of the main cast member. If you continue with this story, you might consider giving the reader a little more info about him/her. What is the name? How old? Basic info like that. I did not come across any grammatical or spelling errors. On a personal note, I already am prepared for the zombie apocalypse. I have signs posted on my front and back doors: No Zombies Allowed.
Of course Santa is real. He is as real as you want him to be. It would be a much sadder country without Santa ringing in the Christmas season. Do I ever see the real Santa? Yes I do. He is ringing the bell with the Salvation Army volunteers. He is in that smile that graces the face of many that smile at no other time. He sits by me as I wrap the Chrstmas presents and he laughs with me when the children open them Christmas day. He is in the song from the child's lips. My kids are grown, and just like me, they still believe in the jolly fatman.
What a novel idea. The place where writers get their ideas, the imagination. I wish I could visit that place more often. The story was easy to follow and kept my attention all the way. I did not see spelling or grammatical errors. The way I understand it, Dexter the nightmare got smacked in the jaw by Aria, the dream. If I were that author, that is a dream I would remember and use to create something. By any chance, is that how you came up with this tale?
John
This reads as a great opening to a great space story. I did not see spelling or grammatical errors. You are developing your characters, primarily Charlie, to the level that I have no problem picturing them in my mind. This has to be the lead in to a major book. There is only one thing I would suggest. In this opening section, you left with no clue as to what is coming. Are they getting ready to have engine failure and drift thru space? Are they getting ready to be attacked by another ship, is muntiny in the works? You need to have some sort of "Cliff Hanger" that makes the reader anxious to move to the next section to find out how the problem is resolved.
As with all your stories, this one is a winner. No spelling or gramatical errors. Captivating from the start. You have a rare talent. You have to be one of the best writers here, and there are many good writers. The story captures your attention and holds it until the end.
Nice story. I took my daughter to work once and everyone spent all their time with her instead of working. Never brought her again. You got the kid in this tale pegged. Everytime you try to complete something, the kid pulls on your shirt or sceams out that they want something. Real life event used in the story.
A scene from the dark side. A story told from the perspective of what is commonly referred to as the villain is different. It is still too early to know for certain if your main character is 'evil' or if perhaps his ultimate goal is more along the line of 'good'. Both evil and good are different depending upon the view point of each of us. Good for one is evil to the one next to him/her. Anyway, even it a story as short as this one, I developed a distaste for Ronald Darren Stanley. Sorry about his kid getting hurt, but sometimes that is the route that has to be taken. I do hope you write more of this tale soon. You have captured me as a reader.
John
Hello BBWolf. I just finished chapter 5 of Army of Humans and Monsters - The Book, and really enjoy what I have read so far. I would have read more, sooner, but I was getting everything ready for the writing contest. "Hook Us". Now that is behind me, I can spend my evenings reading your works. There is one thing I wonder, the female Wolf, Bloodtooth, is she portrayed in the picture that comes up when I click on "Nonhumans-R-Us"? I am trying to figure out which one she could be, but I cannot get it. Anyway, the tale makes me want to run out and sign up in their army. Hopefully they do not have age restrictions.
For a seventh grader in any land, your mastery of the English language is amazing. There are people here in the States with Masters Degrees than do not write as well as you. You are correct that in certain environmental situations, there is little a single person can do to improve the problem. With the majority of tangible items out of grasp and movement controlled, you are left with only with an escape into yourself. It appears that you are blest with an imagination and a creative mind, an item that seems to be growing scarcer as time marches on.
I understand your journey into the imagination. I spend a great deal of time in mine. What is difficult for me is taking the things in my head and putting them to paper, or in this case, a computer keyboard, so others may travel with you. It appears from your essay that you have an ability to communicate. That makes you fortunate, and also those that will read what you write. I could see in my mind the air thick with poisons and your world turning grey. I also got a glimpse of you as you told of sunny fields and singing birds.
On the technical side, I saw no grammatical or spelling errors.
I look forward to reading more of what you have to say.
John
I am guessing that this is the first part on an on-going tale. I find the characters interesting, especially Gator. There is one part I do not understand, but it may be that later on in the story it will be explained.
{I glance at the sun, it's not even over the horizon yet but it's color streaks across the sky; caramel twisting with the fiery red. If I don't make my investigation quick I'll be stranded in this house until evening, and that's not something I'm looking forward too.}
Okay, the sun is up. However, you say that if Carmichael does not leave soon, he will be stranded until evening. Is there a part of the day between where the sun is now and where it will be in the evening that makes that time especially dangerous? Is that when the bad things come out?
Grammatically the story is well written. There is one thing I would do, but that does not mean it is one thing you should do. In the fourth section that starts off: “There’s no one here!” I would put a comma after the word ‘green’.
I like what you are doing. When you post more of the story, I will make certain I read it.
Keep on writing!
John
Basic mathematics as you talk about are pretty ironclad. They have set rules you go by, Do exponents first, then things in the innermost parentheses and work your way out, then left to right, multiplication, division, addition, subtraction. Now when you get into higher math, the kind theoretical physicists and cosmologists get involved with, there is room for great debate. You ask: Why is the sum of one plus one is always two?
Are there no other possible answers? Here is a possibility. I can take 1, and add 1 to it, (1 + 1) and get 11.
Good tale. Sally got to relive her youth, something I would like to do. I only was one grammatical item, and the majority of people do not consider it an error. {No, I can’t do that. That wouldn’t be right, she thought to herself.} That phrase, "she thought to herself" has always been a sore point with me. I see it as redundent, if she thought, it had to be to herself. Who else would she think to?
The story flowed easily, carrying me with it. I could see all you described in my mind. I see the horse having as much fun in this little romp as Sally did.
John
I'm not really crazy about stories where children are harmed, but I realize that in this world, such things happen. That is why children sometimes are hurt in my stories. The four year old is realistic in that at his age, a toy can be a lot more fun and enjoyable than a little brother. The toy does not take away the parent's attention.
A masterpiece! First of all, I did not find any grammatical errors. It is so enjoyable to not stumble over words as you read a story. It makes the flow go smoothly. Next, the tale itself. I wish I were Abby. I bet you that she will have as much fun and enjoyment from George as Calvin has with Hobbes. I find it to be a happy story, and I like happy stories. If this had been around a couple of decades ago, I would have read it to my kids for a bed time story.
Hi, Anastasia. I see you are a newbie. I am too. Your store is interesting, but I see a few grammatical errors. In the first sentence of your prologue , "do" should be capitalized. In the first paragraph in Chapter one, the third sentence needs some commas. {I’m nothing special 5’3” brown hair ice blue eyes big lips a little on the plump side.} You are describing the main character and each little part of the description should have a comma after it. I would place a comma after special, 5'3", hair, eyes, lips,. The last part of the description should be 'and' instead of 'a'. In the 2nd paragraph you have a sentence {The one day I didn’t last time I had a baby vomit on me and had to finish out the day like that because the daycare provider needed the help and I couldn’t say no and go home.} that seems sort of long to me. Perhaps you could break it down into two sentences. The third paragraph has a sentence that needs commas. {It’s a nice 2 story house white panel siding outside black metal roof, 2 car garage.} Again you are describing something and each little description should be separate. I would put commas after house, siding. In the 4th paragraph, I would change "cant" to "can't". The 5th paragraph has another sentence that needs commas. {The toddler is around 2 black hair bright blue eyes full lips she is absolutely adorable.} Put commas after 2, hair, eyes. You may want to consider a period after "lips" and make the last section a separate sentence. When you greet Anastasia, "hi" should be capitalized. The last sentence looks as if it has a semi colon ; after Annabelle instead of a period. "it's' needs to be capitalized and place a comma after the name, Anastasia.
I believe you have the foundation for a good book. The story itself caught my attention right away. Always check for punctuation and correct grammar. It will make the story both more fun to write and to read. I look forward to the next section.
I am not really into mice, even though my cat seems quite fond of them. However, if you are going to have one of them around, I guess you put her to good use. I am not a big fan of poems, it is a character deficiency I have, but as far as poems go, yours is one of the best I have seen in a long time. It rhymed, which is about as far as my poem expertise goes. It was entertaining.
In the beginning, there was all that ever was and ever will be crammed into a space smaller than the tip of a needle. For reasons unknown, it expanded. Almost all of it annihilated, just as you described in your poem. I've heard estimates that there was eight billion (8,000,000,000) times more matter in the pinprick than exists in the universe today. There was a slight bit more matter than antimatter and that is what we have now. Scientists now talk about a dark energy that is causing the universe to accelerate at an ever increasing rate and do not now what it is or where it comes from. Seems obvious to me that the indescribable amounts of energy created with the mutual destruction of the original matter that started it all is seeping back into the universe and providing the energy needed for this expansion. I liked the way you compared the matter/antimatter attraction as love similar to that of legendary characters. The attraction between them can only be matched by love between a couple.
Best story I have read here so far. I joined the site on March 26 and have read a number of stories and reviewed a few of them. I like to start off my critique by saying something good about the story. In your case that is easy. From the start I was hooked. As the story progressed, I wanted to know as badly as Fred Ryan what the sound was. Was there a cricket that entered the apartment? Perhaps a loose pipe in the wall. After saying something nice about the story, I point out what I think may be a blunder. I have a problem this time doing that. I do not see a single grammatical error or misspelled word. You used the quotation marks correctly. In other words, you dotted all the I's and crossed all the T's. The ending was fantastic. When he heard that sound again, I almost shouted out loud, "What the hell is it?" This is a tale you may want to send to a magazine that prints shorts stories. If you get an agent to read it, he would be insane not to offer you a royalty and publish it immediately. If that occurs, let me know. I will race out and buy a copy the day it hits the stands. Sent you a little token of my appreciation for allowing me to read this magnificent piece.
This could be the site I am interested in. Werewolves. Gotta love em. I have written six novels based on these furry critters. I am working on number seven and have outlines for two more. I saw in one of your sections that eating others is not so hot. My wolves eat at least one human every full moon cycle. They really have no choice in the matter. That is the downside. The upside is that they do a lot of weird Wolf things like saving the planet from time to time. I am new to this site, only joined about three days ago and I would like to join your group, I can submit samples of my work for you to look over and see if it meets your standards. If so, please explain to this newbie in as much detail as possible, (I can work a keyboard great, but when it come to things like working my way thru the maze of the Web, I quickly get lost.) how to sign up.
I agree with your conclusions. For 4 years America had been at war. The death count of Americans was at 300,000. While that number pales in comparison to those lost in Europe and Russia, to the American mother, the only numbers that counted were the ones that would be represented by her sons if the invasion took place. In the long run, both hundreds of thousands of lives, if not millions, were saved by the use of those two devices. One other factor that you did not touch on is that even in the closing days of World War II, America realized that a new threat as potentially dangerous as the Nazi regime was rising. Russia also wanted to expand their power and influence. As the hot war was ending, the Cold War was beginning. Bombing those cities sent a clear message to Stalin that if backed into a corner, the United States would do whatever was needed to protect its interests and citizens.
Interesting tale. Caught my attention right away. You obviously have a talent and I look forward to reading more of you work. I selected a story at random and it appears I picked a winner.
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