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Review of Cats  
Review by John Nation
In affiliation with Non-Humans R Us  
Rated: E | (4.0)
I am a cat person. I've had a cat since is was 4 years old and have two at the present time. When I lose one of my cats, it is the same as losing a family member.
Couple of comments. The 4th line you have: and you move along the with your paws guiding you across the floor jumping on to my lap
Move along the what?
5th line: you sit quietly padding away without a care in the world
It seems to me sitting quietly and padding away are opposites.

Anyhow, liked what you did.
Happy writing,
John


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Review by John Nation
In affiliation with Non-Humans R Us  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Interesting tale. I'll start with I saw no typos or misspellings. It is imaginative. From the way I understand it, there are two different possibilites here. The first is that the ship actually fell into a black hole and that is why the rest of the universe has vanished. The next is that his story is so far in the future that all the stars in the universe have burned out. Not only that, but the intergalactic gases have all been used. Nothing left anywhere but black holes. Any stars not massive enough to have been a black hole when their star died over the billions of centuries have merged with other stars until large enough to become one.


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Review of Chapter One  
Review by John Nation
In affiliation with Non-Humans R Us  
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Hi, Katie. I see you are fairly new here and have an item up for review. I will look it over for you.
First off, let me set some ground rules I go by. You need to realize that this is your work and yours alone. Whatever I or any other reviewer suggest is only that, suggestions. You are the author and all final decisions are yours to make. Perhaps I might suggest an item that will work for you. If so, please use it. It might be I am only blowing smoke up my @$$. If so, toss what I say into the nearest trashcan. I will honestly do the best I can do. Sometimes I have found that I need to look over two or three items a person has written so I can get an understanding of their style. Then my reviews make a sharp turn upward on the Bell Curve. With that understanding, here we go.

But I didn't know you would kiss her like that. But you put me on the spot. But you knew I would say okay. But you've been smirking ever since.

This line consists of thoughts she had. In that case you should italicize the sentence. Also, four sentences start with 'but'. Might want to toss in a little variety.

It won't happen again, just don't tell, he had said finally.

Needs quotation marks before It and after tell.

I nodded, and I started the car, and I drove away.

Get rid of the ands and the second and third "I". I nodded, started the car and drove away.

When the tale starts, Name wants to join in a game of spin the bottle. Was the girl in this game? If so, the reader needs to know. If she was, she was kissing others the same as Name did.
The murder needs to be staged differently or the police will know at first glance it was not a suicide. When a person shoots themselves, the gun falls out of the hand. She needs to find a way to make certain there is gunpowder residue on Name's hand. If it held the weapon, it would have powder on it. It sounds as if the shot was to the side of the head and not thru the mouth. If this is the case, there will be marks were the barrel of the pistol was against the head. When a person commits suicide, the gun is not held a foot or two away, but generally touches the body. His fingerprints need to be not only on the weapon, but also on the bullets placed in the clip or cylinder. Hers should be nowhere on it.
I understand that Name is an ass, but you may want to go into a little more detail into his assholiness.
He makes out with another girl in front of her, (spin the bottle) and he hits her. What other abuses? Does he talk bad about her in front of her friends? Is he also emotionally abusive? Give instances. You want to make the reader absolutely detest Name and sympathize with her. They should want to kill Name themselves.
I would suggest you go into some detail about the planning of the murder. Write about how she and Molly eventually come around to the decision that Name has to go. How did she come by the gun? Why is it that Molly is so dear a friend that she chances being charged as an accessory to murder? Give a little history of the two of them.
As an alibi, Molly is going to say they were taking a cross country trip and the two of them left hours ago. The police love alibis like that, they are so simple to break. You may consider Molly taking the car, and using one of the girls credit cards or debit card, filling the tank up only a few minutes before the killing takes place, in a town at least thirty miles away. If the two girls have a similar build, Molly may want to wear one of the girl's dresses, and not showing her face, fill up the car with gas. Then she comes back and gets the girl. This would be evidence the girl was somewhere else when the event happened. Still not ironclad, but stronger than the original alibi.

Overall, I would say you are off to a good start. There is potential here. I am curious as if this is your first draft of if you have gone over it a few times. When I write a story for the first time, I go back and review it and I am shocked about how many typos and misspellings I make. I go over it sometimes eight or nine times, and each time I find goofs. Once I read it and think I have it flawless, I post it and ask for reviews. People come back at me with all sorts of things I did wrong. I do not let it get to me. I read and think about each comment. Often times I toss them away as a waste of time, but every now and then, I find a diamond buried in all the suggestions. I take it and make improvements. I tell you this to let you know that is the way reviews here work. I hope you continue with this work. When you make changes, if you make changes, let me know and I will return and edit it again. Then again, if you do not like what I way, tell me to take a hike. Believe me when I tell you that you will not be ther first one to tell me that. From what I have read, I believe you have a great story in the making. I look forward to reading the next installment. I you want, drop me an email and I will look over any rewrites or new chapters.
Happy writing,
John


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Review of Last Day  
Review by John Nation
In affiliation with Non-Humans R Us  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I like stories with happy endings. Saw no typos or grammatical errors. This is an intense story. You could feel sorry for John except for the fact he killed his wife and daughter. Other than that he sounds like a nice guy. I would like to see the next section where John gets his reward for his actions.


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Review of What If  
Review by John Nation
In affiliation with Non-Humans R Us  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
You capture the inner guilt of Emmeline. Most of us have something we feel guilty about. Emmeline expresses hers well. If you are considering making this into a longer story, I say go for it. You have created a good outlind of the main charcter. In only three paragraphs the reader has a good insight into Emmeline's soul. I see a good person that was involved in a terrible accident. As to how much guilt she should bear remains to be seen. While Emmeline may never fully recover from the incident, she might possibly use it for good. The time may come where she can use this event and help save someone else, or at least be able to identify and comfort someone else in a similar position. It may not be a young girl that contributed to the death of a friend due to a phone call, but each day someone dies in an accident and often times there is someone that feels responsible for that accident. Emmeline can be the shoulder they cry on and the one they let read their journal.
Happy writing,
John


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Review of The Face of War  
Review by John Nation
In affiliation with Non-Humans R Us  
Rated: E | (4.5)
A good tale of war in that it shows the horrors. In war, there are no good guys, bad guys. There are two sides that for the most part hate each other. Ask any participant on either side and they will deluge you with reasons they are right and the other side is wrong. Caught between these two forces are the innocents such as the old man you talk about. Sadly, from now until the end of days war will be our constant companion. I could identify with the parents losing their only child. While I am so grateful that war death has never touched my family, I do know of a couple of families where it has. It was a complete waste of life. I think what touches me most is when Rita took her own life. Now the old man not only has the burden of a lost son, but his wife is also gone, leaving him to go on alone. I see only one suggestion I would make. Early in the story you write: (My boy Peter was first to leave). I would seperate the name, Peter, with a comma both before and after the name. Anyway, an excellent work. I was glad I read it.
Happy writing,
John


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Review by John Nation
In affiliation with Non-Humans R Us  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Nice little tale. To start, I saw no spelling or grammatical errors. That right there makes a story both easier to read and a lot more entertaining. Reading this story makes me think of the book made into a movie, Love Story. I could identify somewhat with Ella. There are memories I keep alive by writing about them. Somehow it seems that putting in on paper, (or hard drive) gives a type of immortality to the one written about. I think you will do well in the contest.
Happy writing,
John


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Review by John Nation
In affiliation with Non-Humans R Us  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
A couple of more items for the list. When your dog reads this, he will wag his tail and go lay down, When your wife reads this, she will make your life a living hell for as long as a month. This is okay, but there are many lists similar to this you can find on the internet.


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Review by John Nation
In affiliation with Non-Humans R Us  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Okay, at this point I am not exactly sure what Molly is. I figure woman, but is she also a witch or some other enchantress? The Rogg is a complete mystery. At first I thought it to be a type of enormous rat, but that seems towards the end to the tale to be incorrect Spratt, the talking cat, is good. It strengthens my witch theory, possible being Molly's familiar. Also of interest is the house that periodically moves its rooms around. Him Upstairs must be the master of the mannor. He seems to have a distorted sense of humor, letting the ghosts out and moving the rooms around.
The story is interesting and if you post other, I will read them. I only have one suggestion for your writting. The words 'off' and 'of' should never be side by side. Generally you can trash the 'of' and the sentence reads better.


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Review of The Ugly Kitten  
Review by John Nation
In affiliation with Non-Humans R Us  
Rated: E | (5.0)
First, I saw no spelling or incorrect punctuation. The story flowed easily and was fun to read. That alone puts you above other writers. Kittens are magical. The way they play and contort into different shapes and angles is amazing. I think the girl in the story needed the kitten as much as the kitten needed her. Anyway, ugly is just like like beauty in that it is all in the eye of the beholder. The girl was able to see past the surface and into the spirit of the kitten.


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Review of Homeless  
Review by John Nation
In affiliation with Non-Humans R Us  
Rated: E | (5.0)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" !
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A poem that touches on politics. This brings to mind a quote by Williams Wordsworth: "And homeless near a thousand homes I stood, and near a thousand tables pined and wanted food."
Many Americans are of the mindset, "Out of sight, out of mind." The middle class and above for the most part only run into the homeless as they drive to and from work, where they stand on a busy corner and hold signs that say things like, "Will work for food." No one worries about the problem until they are the one standing on the corner. For a country as rich as America, what your poem points out is a national disgrace. Take one of the one hundred plus billion dollars used each year on the military and many of these people would have shelter. Take one of the billions spent each year on space projects and they would have food. Unfortunately for the homeless, they do not have a Cabinet seat or the ear of Congress.
Happy writing,
John


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Review of Midnight  
Review by John Nation
In affiliation with Non-Humans R Us  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" !
Invalid Review


Interesting tale. I did find it rather spooky. I kept my attention and I believe my heart rate increased a few beats a minute. A story like this about young teenage boys doing sort of dumb stuff like going to a park alone around midnight touches on something teenage boys would really do. Having been one a few decades ago, I speak from experience.
I only saw one item I would change. Although not technically wrong, in the second sentence, Andrew lazily looked at the phone. Then in the 4th sentence, he grabbed the phone. To me, 'Lazily' and 'grabbed' show two different energy levels taking place for the same event.
Anyhow, I like your story.
Happy writing,
John


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Review by John Nation
In affiliation with Non-Humans R Us  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" !

Invalid Review


I've always likeed witches. They are the kind of character that can be great heros or horrible villians. Either catagory can make a good character to add to a novel. I liked the story from the opening. At the start, I was not sure if the ones accuse of witchcraft were innocent people that power hungry town officals used to show off their power, like Salem in early American history, or the real thing. I am glad Rose Clashflame was a real one and able to escape. The dragon was also an interesting item. He was able to fly and breath fire. That is a good ally to have in a war. I did not see any mispelling or tech issues. The story flowed well and kept my attention. Have you ever heard the espression, "Leave them wanting more"? That is what you did with me. I want more of this coven and I would like to see Blackthorn again.
On an entirely different topic, I am a member Non-Humans R Us. Almost all my writing centers around a pack of Werewolves. Witches and dragons are part of the non-human group. (yes, I know witches are human, but I always considered them a different spicies that has many humnan characteristics.) Anyhow, you may like to join our little group. If so, all you need do is contact B B Wolf and ask him to join.
Happy reading,
John


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Review of important  
Review by John Nation
In affiliation with Non-Humans R Us  
Rated: 13+ | (1.5)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" !

Review of "The Natives"


I have a hard time following this story. You start in a forest. This forest is a contradiction. You describe sheets of white ice and branches covered in ice crystals. A bitter breeze is blowing. At the same time the trees have berries and there are flower beds. Those things do not generally occur at the same time. We leave the fields and are on the bustling streets that suddenly turn into tranquil streets. Next we are in a hospital yard. Then in the hospital. Then we learn of Dr. Brown, the mental patients, and soon after Lawrence Nightingale. My thought is you are introducing a lot of places and characters in an extremely condensed space. You may want to spend a few more sentences on each so the reader can learn more about them and ease the transition from one item to the next. Now we do know that Dr. Brown is religious, has a surly face and is heavily scarred. His eyes are minute and monotonous. Am I to understand his eyes are small and unchanging? He has a paralyzed arm, and a nose as red as Rudolph's. Lawrence is described as a tall thin albino. Is it possible he could be a vampire? Since he is a drunkard, that is unlikely. The last paragraph is puzzling to me. Is there a magic spell or something that turns innocent (innocent of what) people into greedy savages? On the technical issues, you have three periods after drunkard. Mouldering should be moldering, coloured should be colored, at least in the States. If your writing for an English audience, I do not know how it goes. Smouldered should be smoldered, and paralysed should be paralyzed. In poetry you may want to use the word trice, but in a story like this, three might be a better option. The abbreviation Dr needs a period after it. Dr.
Now I do not want to be a total downer. There is potential for a good story here. Do a little work and rewrites. If you rework and repost, I will rereview. That's part of being an writer. I spend as much time correcting things I have written as I do writing.
Happy reading,
John


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Review of Paradox  
Review by John Nation
In affiliation with Non-Humans R Us  
Rated: E | (5.0)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" !

Invalid Review




Drake’s Equation, for those not familiar with it:
N = R* Fp•Ne•Fl•Fi•FC•L
N = The number of civilizations in The Milky Way Galaxy whose electromagnetic emissions are detectable.
R* = The rate of formation of stars suitable for the development of intelligent life.
Fp = The fraction of those stars with planetary systems.
Ne = The number of planets, per solar system, with an environment suitable for life.
Fl = The fraction of suitable planets on which life actually appears.
Fi = The fraction of life bearing planets on which intelligent life emerges.
Fc = The fraction of civilizations that develop a technology that releases detectable signs of their existence into space.
L = The length of time such civilizations release detectable signals into space.

Estaimates range from 1 (earth) to several million.

Fermi paradox: There are stars similar to our sun capable of sustaning earth like planets. Some of these stars or older than ours
hinting that any civilization that develops would be older than ours and more technologically advanced. Where are they? Why have they not invaded?

Wow. Your story took me back 35 years to when I took astronomy in college. Drake and his equation were a hotly debated topic.
Thanks for the memories.


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Review of Reflections  
Review by John Nation
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" !

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I have to say this is quite original. I have never seen a story like this one. If you have nmore to tell, please do so, I would like to see where this goes.
There are a couple of things I will point out to you. You write, "I thought to myself." That is redundent. When you think, it is understood to be to yourself. Who
else would you think to? My next topic is only a mater of opinion and being your story, yours takes priority, but you used the word "quite" three times in this 761
word story. That is quite often. "Was about to walk out of the door" Okay sentence, but informal. Use the pronoun "I" at the start.
"know what's going on until the hit the ground" They instead of 'the'. One thing I am not clear on. When the reflection is discussing the family it says,
"Oh and you have another too. Yes, she is going to be very easy." Who is this 'other'?
Anyway, overall I enjoyed reading your story. There is potential here for a great mystery/horror novel.
Happy reading,
John


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Review of Lazy day  
Review by John Nation
In affiliation with Non-Humans R Us  
Rated: E | (4.5)
*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" !

Invalid Review

Short and sweet. I wish I could have some days like you describe. I can imagine myself in the rocker, TV turned to the "You Don't Need to Think" channel, soda in my hand and pizza on the table next to me. You make me long for retirement. Of course, when I do retire, all it will mean is that I will spend that much more time here at WDC. Your story did stir up a longing inside of me. That is what a good story should do. You managed to do in only a few words what takes many a volume to acheive. I saw no typos or spelling errors.
Happy reading,
John


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Review of Inevitable  
Review by John Nation
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Interesting work. I am somewhat familiar with Thanatus because I have written much about his brother, Charon. I am not much of a poet. Most times anything more advanced than Mary had a Little Lamb is out of my reach. I was however able to make sense of your tale. Death comes for us all. We may be able to hide for a time and postpone the enevitable, but sooner or later, we will feel the edge of Thanatos' sword. Am I correct in believing that in your poem, you seem to focus on violent death/ Tornadoes, hurricanes and thunderstorms. I did not see any technical errors. I enjoyed reviewing this.
Happy reading,
John


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Review by John Nation
In affiliation with Non-Humans R Us  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Good tale. What I found the most interesting was the crowd there for the hanging. For several years I lived in Fort Smith, Arkansas. Back in the late 1800s, it was the home of the Hanging Judge, Isaac C. Parker. When he sentenced men to be hanged, huge crowds gathered for the public spectacle. There would be venders selling their wares and families brought blankets and picnic baskets to make a day of the event. The Marshals would have to hire extra men that day to control the crowds and keep the drunks from getting out of hand. Your story captured a glimpse of that. A story like yours based in reality makes it all the better.


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Review of The Burning  
Review by John Nation
In affiliation with Non-Humans R Us  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Wow! If I could only use one word to describe this, it would be "Magnificent". If I was allowed two words, they would be "Pure Perfection". It is obvious you have a rare and special gift. I felt the protagonist's pain. I was with him as he sank into despair and then rose back up again. I could feel the torment he suffered. My mind joined his as he lost control and Post Traumatic Stress took over. You brought to life the problem facing many of our vets and others that have gone thru major physical, emotional, and psychological trauma. I have a better understanding of the great and dreadful sea many of our vets have to make their way across. This narrative makes me wonder if you have personal experience with this problem, either as a person that has experienced it first hand it battle, or else been close to someone that has. I have read many stories here and many of them are good, but this is without question the crème of the crop. I wish it was possible to give a rating above 5 stars. Please except this humble token of my appreciation for creating a masterpiece.


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Review by John Nation
In affiliation with Non-Humans R Us  
Rated: E | (2.5)
Short and sweet, however, no substance, Okay, Edison lived in a haunted house. Fill in more detail. Is it Edison himself that the ghost hunters think haunts the home? Was there a grissly murder or lingering death that took place there? What reason would Edison or another spirit have for sticking around in the house.? Perhaps he did not walk into the light when he died and got lost. If you cannot find any facts, make some up. That is the advantage of being a writer.


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Review of The Calling  
Review by John Nation
In affiliation with Non-Humans R Us  
Rated: E | (3.0)
The story itself is okay, but you do need to go back and make a few corrections. The 1st line (Marybeth chases her your) You may want to delete 'your'.
In the 4th section last line (her arms and speak) speak should be 'speaks'.
In the 10 section you have a comma after Sally. It is not needed.
In the 14th section you have (The time has come for you be conduits) Put 'to' in front of 'be'.
In the 19th section you have ("I know Sally). Put a comma after 'know'.
In the 21st section (laughs heartily at his and) change 'his' to 'this'.
Last line. Move "Finally" up to the end of the sentence above it.
Anyway, I get the feeling that if this story continues, the nighly news will soon be talking about witches coming into power.


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Review by John Nation
In affiliation with Non-Humans R Us  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
It seems the answer I selected, "Invite them in for coffee" is currently in the lead. Out of all the choices, that is the one where you might get to know them better. If they plan to take over the world, you may get to be a pampered pet for being nice to them. I think the worst option you have is "Take them to a movie." If an alien were to see some of the garbage that passes as entertainment these days, they might destroy the planet to put us out of our misery.
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Review of Phone Service  
Review by John Nation
In affiliation with Non-Humans R Us  
Rated: E | (3.5)
A phone possessed! Good story, but I found a couple of typos. In the 4th section you wrote (had died in that accident ad several others were badly injured.) ad should be and.
On the last sentence of the story, you should have a ? instead of a period. I am curious as to the make and model of the phone. I want to buy one.


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Review of A camp fire story  
Review by John Nation
In affiliation with Non-Humans R Us  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Old Man Perkins should not tell such scary stories.
I did not see any spelling or grammatical errors. The opening reminded me of long ago when I was a kid setting around the campfire. My dad and uncle would try to scare us with ghost stories, but I always thought they were sillier than scary. Anyway, you dredged up old memories that were a good part of my childhood, I was happy to think of them again.


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