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266 Public Reviews Given
266 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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51
Review by jolanh
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Empathy for monster is better than the big scary thing. It worked in Frankenstein, I say go for it
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Review of In Between  
Review by jolanh
Rated: E | (3.5)
A couple of things.

Since your story is in first person there is no need for the I saids because the reader already knows who is talking.

2. Focus more on the sensory of the main character. How do things feel? Do words sting? What do objects feel like, what smells?

3. Take time to focus on the father's need to have your main characters abilities explained. Are the parents worried or embarrassed and how does that affect her relationship with them?

Anyway because I am shameless and that sort of person stop by port and read some Silverbolt
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53
Review by jolanh
Rated: E | (5.0)
This poem speaks a lot truth. It feels like a what you vs what you need thing going on.
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54
Review of Crush  
Review by jolanh
Rated: 18+ | (2.5)
A couple things. Using the Emojis while creative is really distracting. They create a focal point, meaning the eyes are drawn to the brightest colors first.
Breaking it up into paragraphs will make the read smoother. You need to go deeper with your character. How does she feel, how is she affected physically?

Third don't use texting abbreviations. it pulls people out of the story.

I am sorry if I sound harsh. Your story Idea is good but needs polish
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55
Review of Untitled Book  
Review by jolanh
Rated: E | (3.5)
Okay girl,you have a great start. But here is where you could improve.

your telling more than showing. I get we are inside the characters head,but using the five senses would make it more intense. It has potential you just need to polish it a little
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Review of Lion Of The Sea  
Review by jolanh
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Thank God someone who doesn't feel the need to dump a bunch of information at beginning. I know killerwhales will eat seals.The plot is simple, easy to follow. Well done
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57
Review of Big Apple Scruffs  
Review by jolanh
Rated: E | (5.0)
I like story poetry. It's fun kinectic, and provides perspective for the reader. I love The scruffs reference, it gives the piece flavor
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58
Review of Fire Hands  
Review by jolanh
Rated: E | (3.5)
It's good the beginning is a little generic. Also try to find better descriptions for the fire. You have something here it just needs polish.

As a side note check the adventures of Silverbolt starting at heavenly intervention
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59
Review by jolanh
Rated: E | (4.5)
Not bad, I think her power needs a drawback. For instance a more complex idea or skill she can do it but lacks the wisdom to apply it.
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for entry "Birdsong
Review by jolanh
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Or if you live up north you hear the Ravens in the trash cans
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61
Review of The Weave Mage  
Review by jolanh
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
It's good, but I think it could be scaled back and thread needs a little clarification. I don't care about the dragons dying, I want to know more about threads. One thing I would do is put the malrak bit at the start it would work better I think.
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Review of Black Locust  
Review by jolanh
Rated: E | (5.0)
Very cute story it doesn't lag. I. Glad you didn't make her all powerful as most people who write psychics tend to do in near dragon ballian levels. Sorry it took so long to get back
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63
Review by jolanh
Rated: E | (5.0)
Are you adding a supernatural component? If so then this looks like a a solid start.

Especially if Simon turns out to be a spirit after Susie's soul.

Should you find the time check out the adventures of Silverbolt
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Review by jolanh
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
I read both there needs to be more. I get she is a portal jumper, and all but the scenes need some concrete fixings especially after landing in gravity falls. Your dialogue shines,your mc has motivation but I can't see the motivations of the other characters. I am pretty sure this is a rough draft though.

Should you have time take a peek a Silverbolt origin
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65
Review by jolanh
Rated: E | (5.0)
I can't find that kind of faith. I am glad you have.
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66
Review by jolanh
Rated: E | (5.0)
Is this an effective tool for fleshing out a character? I need to round some my own characters and I am curious about it. Did you decide on traits before or did the character reveal as you went?
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Review by jolanh
Rated: E | (5.0)
Well said. You are absolutely right.you are not less of woman because you don't feel the need to fit some mold laid out by your peers. My daughter chooses to be her own person, and makes no apologies for it and doesn't let anyone tell her different. A group of girls told her eating noodles could be seen as unattractive. She just laughed at them and told them to go away. I think young women need to read this and know it's okay to be different
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Review of Prism  
Review by jolanh
Rated: E | (5.0)
The dream sequence is a hard thing to pull off. It requires a specific touch. My rule is if it's make it feel like one. Which you do, it feels and looks like a dream and I don't feel cheated when the main character wakes up
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Review by jolanh
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Damnit write the next part already. I like this. Anything could happen. The house could be haunted, or maybe someone buried money
....so what happens
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Review of Lone Wolf  
for entry "Chapter 1
Review by jolanh
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
What is your characters thing? He is an enforcer, hit man, what makes him stand out from the others? It could be a big as something he chooses to wear or signature kill, or a small as favorite weapon like a Colt .500. personalize him.
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Review by jolanh
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
The story is great, the concept is good, your dialogue while consistent doesn't feel organic. I know you are going for a unique feel, but how they talk turned me off. I can see one character speaking that way, however a better way would've to choose a language and use idioms like haude yer wrist,which is the equivalent of hold your tongue. Stuff like that. The dialogue is the only thing holding this piece back
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Review by jolanh
Rated: E | (5.0)
The joker really is the embodiment of chaos and darkness. In comic lore characters who would never think about killing anyone meet the joker and get tempted to kill him. In a crossover with spiderman even the lovable web head contemplated killing the guy.
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Review by jolanh
Rated: E | (5.0)
Very classic Western. You didn't reinvent the wheel, which is fine because your not supposed to. I am going to be working with a western/early 1900 type deal. I like your style and would it be alright if I picked your brain now and again
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Review by jolanh
Rated: E | (5.0)
Lol this is awesome I like the conversation with the devil. It lends to the theory the devil doesn't make us do things but rather whispers in our ears until we choose to act.
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Review of love is a bath  
Review by jolanh
Rated: 13+ | (1.0)
Charlie do not freak out with the one star I hate ratings. Numbers mean nothing to work felt by the soul. This is not really a story. But what could be is a great poem.i really think it would shine as a poem.
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