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248 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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51
Review by jolanh
Rated: E | (4.5)
Okay girl you started strong it moved nice, and then you went on about the book. I get it's an important part of of the plot. I would have went with
The leather bound tome was irreplaceable. She longed for it to share the secrets of the aged parchment within but alas it required a key
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Review of True Family  
Review by jolanh
Rated: E | (5.0)
This comment is based on all your old works if you I had anything new I could be more thorough. Why aren't you writing what you want to write? Your style feels forced and stiff, you aren't relaxed or having any sort of fun with it. I have too much fun sometimes so don't feel bad. Which is like the best thing about writing, its fun work. I know you're caught up in making things as real as possible, but you don't want to write that way.

Your scenes with the pregnant teen could easily be punched up with a few simple things.

How about staring at the urine covered stick like it held the answers to the universe. Or nerves frayed at the end like electrical wires. She felt the bile rise in her throat as the plus sign appeared. Don't be afraid to grab the readers attention and go, this is why you should care.
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Review of The Wrong Man  
Review by jolanh
Rated: E | (5.0)
It's interesting. But clearly you are venting. I won't comment any further given the personal nature of this. We all need to scream into a pillow now and then.
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for entry "Dreams and Fears
Review by jolanh
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
You need to accept the glares and jeers and throw them in the background. Hold the girl you love like it will be the last every time. A lot of misguided Christians forget the last words of Jesus were love one another. His greatest miracles were not heavenly but were of breaking barriers and teaching tolerance. It is a lesson so many miss in the fervor because they assume to know what god wants.I don't know what god wants, but he don't want us shaming ourselves for being different. Does being gay suddenly void someone from his plan, because if you believe in a god that created everything, then everything must be included in his plan no exceptions. Just saying...Don't ask
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55
Review by jolanh
Rated: E | (3.0)
Its okay but separate your paragraph and dialogue

Like this it's easier to follow.

Second maybe take the exposition out of the beginning start with a conversation, bring firstwind into the dialogue or character thoughts.

Third the gleaming sword is fine, but maybe sell it more you want this discovery to peak your readers curiosity.

And because I am shameless check out the adventures of silverbolt in my port

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56
Review of The Last Joe  
Review by jolanh
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Your beginning is good, but I would have went with.

I awoke to smell of urine in my nostrils. It came from the rags I gathered the night before. My life has become a series of decisions based on needs and wants. For instance I wanted to sleep on something devoid of rancid piss and other unidentified smells, but I needed to sleep on something. My needs won that round.

I resented my situation. I had a lovely home in the suburbs, wife and kids. Then the blight came, and decimated coffee crops. It was juggernaut, and refused to give up the relentless siege on the black brew.
Sorry if that's stepping on your toes. I just thought it invoked character empathy better
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Review of Bedtime  
Review by jolanh
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
You have great raw material but a couple of things need to be addressed. Who are the children and what is the curse? How do the spirit animals work? Second be clever with magic don't be afraid to name names. How did you get them here?
I tweaked a scrying spell to home in on their unique aura. Then I changed the wording of troyers trapdoor, to open at their location. There were some accidents but the children should mellow out with a fresh change of clothes. It looks cool and sounds catchy, and is something an intellectual would do.


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58
Review by jolanh
Rated: E | (4.5)
The concept is fresh. I love it. However, you could have made the consequences of failure more severe.
Like getting moused, if they won't stalk their way to glory then they'll scurry into oblivion. At the end of the night the cats who were turned into nice are hunted by the others ...okay so I rambled there.

Back to the matter at hand. It fresh solid, and informs a long held superstition. Its not boring either. So ill give it a 20.
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59
Review of Solatian Stones  
Review by jolanh
Rated: E | (4.5)
Here is my thing your beginning could easily be part of chapter one. It works with the daydream bit.my second deal is the presentation

"Put a space between paragraphs and dialogue."

It helps clarify who is talking and gives the mind a one second clear to absorb new information.

Because I am shameless check out Silverbolt shine for some adventure, or check out a terrible story for some laughs.
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Review of "Thank You RAOK"  
Review by jolanh
Rated: E | (5.0)
No prob dude donate these to roak
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61
Review by jolanh
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Go for it girl
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62
Review of Rise of Refuge  
Review by jolanh
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Okay girl here is my thing telekinetics are a pain to write. It's like trying to find something that rhymes with orange. Forget the telekinetically description it's awkward and clunky. Try another word,make one up. Like the epigone thing. Telekinetics could be mind resonance...or something. If you insist on using telekinetics, keep the word to minimum and use sensory to describe it being used. have people call them brain busters, or something like that.

Second what does it feel like? Does it start with a dull throb, or pinprick on the mind. Have objects start tobs shake when she's mad
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Review of My 2 Lives  
Review by jolanh
Rated: E | (3.5)
I don't know how many reviews you had but I can say it's off To a good start. However, you may want to include more sensory things. Did the alley smell was the aunt a weird relative, or was she near and dear to heart of the main character, little details like that enhance the reading experience.

Now for my shameless Silverbolt plug stop by and have same crazy adventures with that shiny bastard Silverbolt
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64
Review by jolanh
Rated: E | (4.0)
Okay girl while it's a great account of events. Maybe tell the story through the eyes of one of the characters. I'd use a tight third person for a story like this. Focus on the characters sensations and remove yourself from the scene and let the characters do all the work
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Review of Writer  
Review by jolanh
Rated: E | (5.0)
First off have fun with it. Forget about the end goal. There are plenty of steps in between you are running a marathon, if you miss a day or two no one will die. Second come up with a strategy for writers block, third pick up Rob Peck's fiction is folks you can get it free in PDF format, I promise you it's worth it. And goals motivation conflict you can get it free in PDF format as well. They helped me a lot

Now because I write terrible stories on purpose and know no shame. Check out the adventures of Silverbolt in my port
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66
Review by jolanh
Rated: E | (2.5)
Ummm...here is the deal... forget the lyrics. I think you should try capturing the emotions behind the song into a story

Because I am shameless I invite you to check out the adventures of Silverbolt in my portfolio
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67
Review by jolanh
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
No offense but this would be so much clearer if you used smaller paragraphs and set your dialogue in separate paragraphs. On the outside it looks like an incomprehensible mess. The premise is good and the descriptions are tight but everyone is going to say no because of the presentation
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68
Review of After you.  
for entry "Chapter 1
Review by jolanh
Rated: E | (3.5)
So here is my deal. Bear in mind I am not professional. I get it, she's moving, but where's the inner struggle? I don't feel it.regardless of Dream fulfilment there are going to be inner fears. Show more tell less. It feels like a character remembering and not as the action happens. You should add those tearful goodbyes from friends because it will drive the plot forward in a meaningful way while revealing character.

Now for the shameful part of the review where I encourage you to read some Silverbolt

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Review by jolanh
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Empathy for monster is better than the big scary thing. It worked in Frankenstein, I say go for it
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Review of In Between  
Review by jolanh
Rated: E | (3.5)
A couple of things.

Since your story is in first person there is no need for the I saids because the reader already knows who is talking.

2. Focus more on the sensory of the main character. How do things feel? Do words sting? What do objects feel like, what smells?

3. Take time to focus on the father's need to have your main characters abilities explained. Are the parents worried or embarrassed and how does that affect her relationship with them?

Anyway because I am shameless and that sort of person stop by port and read some Silverbolt
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71
Review by jolanh
Rated: XGC | (5.0)
Very ex├žiting stuff and not vulgar. Best of all they are not related and adults and it's consensual sex.it may not seem like a big compliment but it is. The characters act like people, and aren't assholes to one another. Thank you for keeping the piece rape free so people can enjoy the raw sexual chemistry between these two characters

If you have time read some Silverbolt.
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72
Review by jolanh
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Dude what's with the ep? It was a distraction.
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73
Review by jolanh
Rated: E | (5.0)
This poem speaks a lot truth. It feels like a what you vs what you need thing going on.
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Review of Crush  
Review by jolanh
Rated: 18+ | (2.5)
A couple things. Using the Emojis while creative is really distracting. They create a focal point, meaning the eyes are drawn to the brightest colors first.
Breaking it up into paragraphs will make the read smoother. You need to go deeper with your character. How does she feel, how is she affected physically?

Third don't use texting abbreviations. it pulls people out of the story.

I am sorry if I sound harsh. Your story Idea is good but needs polish
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75
Review of Untitled Book  
Review by jolanh
Rated: E | (3.5)
Okay girl,you have a great start. But here is where you could improve.

your telling more than showing. I get we are inside the characters head,but using the five senses would make it more intense. It has potential you just need to polish it a little
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