|Hello! This is a Member to Member review from a fellow Rising Star!
All suggestions are just that, suggestions! Feel free to take what you find useful, and discard the rest!
An interesting ghost story. Well developed characters, and good descriptions. A very vivid story. Haunted by baby ghosts! I've never heard that one :)
Drawing near the glass doors that innocently announced this as Greenville General. An incomplete sentence. Perhaps it could be combined with the previous or next sentence?
He hated hospitals,It was Missing space before 'it', which should not be capitalized.
even the smooth marble of the floors serving to remind him trigger a deep seated sense of dread
this sentence is confusing.
belief in the existenceof a soul long ago.
In a desperate efoort to distract himself ,he allowed his mind to wander
Bob Evans was one of those rare preachers who practiced what he preached and the tight rules of a fundamentalist Baptist galled against a teen looking for fun and adventure.
this sentence, and many like it, are missing commas before the word 'and'. with out the commas, the sentences seem very long winded.
“Helene, I . . . It’s Gramma. She . . . ” And he could get no further. Helene moved to his side and took the little girl from his arms and stood her on the floor.
“Run, play” She told the two children as she helped Jonathon into the kitchen. He was sobbing uncontrollably and Helene knew that Gramma had passed away. She held him tight as he cried, letting him release his grief.
“Shhh . . . Shhh . . . it’s ok. She’s not hurting anymore. Gramma’s at rest. She had no fear of dying Jonathon. She looked forward to it.”
“But she, she spoke to me after she died.” Jonathon managed to blurt out at last.
“Now honey, it’s the stress that’s all. You know she just made that up. Nobody can really see the dead.” Helene just held him as the tears continued to fall and Jonathon Evans began to wonder if he was losing his mind.
several paragraph breaks are missing here, to keep with the pattern of having a space between each paragraph as with the rest of the story.
And so Dr. Jonathon Evans learned that there is more to life than money and more to heaven and hell than can be seen by the mortal eye. This sentence seems unnecessary, as your story told that well enough :) I would suggest removing it, i feel it takes away from the power of the ending.
also, throughout the story, you switch the spelling of his name back and forth between 'Jonathon' and 'Jonathan'
I thought this story was paced very well, with a good build up to his final melt down. A strong beginning, middle, and end!
I liked the idea of the protagonist working in an abortion clinic, a clever way for someone to have lots of ghosts after them without having them be some kind of crazy murderer. Hearing the sound of crying babies all the time would certainly be a terrible haunting!
I enjoyed the story, write on!