A story that is full of surprises, I must admit I had to reread a few sections to see what I had missed on the first reading. But I did get the story line eventually. I am most impressed with you dialogue skills, everything was easy to follow and the plot line pulled me in right away. My only quibble would be that it was packed with perhaps too much information. The inclusion of the Mafia seemed unnecessary, I feel this piece is too close to information overload than is good.
You had me with the first three lines, this is also my favorite stanza. Whether poem or prose it is dauntingly difficult to tell the tale of major depression.
This is a very good poem, I liked it... in a melancholy sort of way. I know these things exist but I do not want to look at them and that is what this piece does well, forcing one to look at the wounded and crippled victims of this perilous disease.
The rhyme, the rhythm, and meter are solid. You manage to describe the nature of this demon without being repetitive. No easy task.
A well constructed and terribly sad poem. Pain just oozes from every line. The piece had my entire attention from the first line, and held me to the end. It is well written with a nice smoothe verse and rhyme. My favorite stanza is the last: Ouch! There is a lot of hurting in those few lines.
Seems this is a proposition, for publishing maybe? My first impression is that you got too many plot lines going at the same time in too few words. You do not want to give your audience a case of information overload right at the beginning. Focus on just one or two of your strengths and go from there.
I truly enjoyed your breathless style of writing, it kept me on my toes and gave your work a high energy boost.
Such a nice children's poem, I am seeing the whole thing in a small illustrated book with thick pages and a heavy cover. I did wonder if, maybe, your piece might be a bit long to hold a young person's attention. But on a second reading I would leave it be, children are often more patient at times than we give them credit for.
Most important is a clear, obvious, rhyming scheme and this poem accomplishes that nicely.
Oh, the mysteries of the heart, we all seem preordained to hurt the ones we love-- if they do not hurt us first. Of course, they who live life to the fullest always have their hearts broken in a place or two; broken parts come with the territory.
Your words are well chosen and well arranged, I can feel each crunchy point of pain throughout the poem. And... it is agonizing to read! But I had to continue; I wondered if the author is doomed. I hope not.
Hear, hear! Well done indeed. I like all those great words arranged in such a beautiful union. Any month of the year they ring true, it is best that we not forget the small miracles of humanity.
Thank you for highlighting the first letter of each line, I would not have noted their significance otherwise. (I am terrible at puzzles)
As a professional dog handler, I can tell you the dog world is filled with cute, little, "Bitey" dogs. And the girls are as bad as the boys. I personally know a shetland sheep dog who ate a couch cushion all by himself.
I believe there is a rhythm and meter within the poem that I cannot detect. That being said, I like short poems to have an oblvious rhyme scheme, it makes my ears happy.
OK...Ouch! That is a heart-breaking tale, notwithstanding the bitter-sweet ending there is no comfort there.
This is the sweetest poem I have read in a long time. I wouldn't change a thing. Your verse and rhyme are things of beauty, every word just where it should be.
I am going to keep this one. I think I hear the angels singing.
One of my favorites: "Command be still that frantic heart of yours, Brother,
"still it is yours; 'tis that way and no other.
Ouch!; that is a painful piece of drama. There is something very grim in your writing style, lots of innocence, and malice, all at the same time. I expected another, predictable, happy ending, instead your piece lead me down a much more interesting narrative.
Your last paragraph finished the story with a nice comment on the meaning of life and the beginning paragraph set the scene with another comment on the meaning of life, boxed in between is a nice tale of life in the dust.
It is all very well done. A nice piece of poetry with well-chosen words and descriptions. The work just flows along like a river.
Very nice. Well done! I do detect a meter but I cannot figure it out. And I do like that rhyme scheme. Your description was very good I could see the whole drama unfolding before me.
I also enjoyed your aside at the end, nice tidbits of information.
A personal memoir of pain. I always find works like this difficult to review. The work presented here has no beginning or ending, just one long litany of descriptions. all describing the same thing. I never like saying this, but stories of this kind are so numerous and sound so much the same that they have become a bore.
It takes true genius to tell the tale of depression. I could not do it.
Unfortunately, this story left me flat. The plot seemed to be no more than a nice list of wonderful possibilities, with a short history of nuclear war tacked on to explain the miracles that await us.
I would take another look at your plot and check be sure it has a beginning, a middle, and an end.
Unfortunately your story just did not work for me. I could not tell if it wanted to be a satirical opinion piece or satirical science fiction... or both. In any case, to my ear it was all garbled together with the names Trump and Putin randomly scattered throughout.
Hmmm... An opinion piece. Hard to review these. From a functional point of view your work gets the job done. Your clarity of purpose was dead on. I always knew exactly what you were talking about, which is a difficult achievement when dealing with the human condition.
I'll throw out one opinion; some people are indeed as happy as they appear and there are some things better left unsaid.
I'm afraid the poem left me somewhat lost. I had to read the second stanza a few times before I got the meaning. I found your first stanza ominous and was keen to find out why I should be aware of being aware, its sounded like a wonderful topic; but I did not find anything like that in the story line.
I found the story a touching and sentimental story of the deep bond of love shared between sisters. The plot line was filled with excellent, haunting, descriptions of a world that I could not quite place. As the story wound on I did have some problems, at numerous places in the story line I was completely confused and needed to reread those parts before going on.
Very Good! The first few lines pulled me in and the rest of the story held attention. The ending left me wanting to know more, always a good thing. I think you have a great opening to a novel. Your effortless writing style is very appealing. I am not much of a fan of heavy tomes filled with dense prose so I enjoyed your light touch.
This poem left me unmoved. I could not find anything to hook my claws into. For a poem with this subject matter to work, it needs to reach the reader at a deep place. It needs something more, some humor perhaps or something profound or something profane.
...or you could set it to a meter, that always makes everything better.
Well done! You had me from the first two verses. It reads like a waterfall, fast paced and no slowing down.
Verse, meter, and rhyme are very good. The pain that lies at the core of the piece is well described, you can feel it's malicious and the damage it works on your main character.
This piece suffers from too much too soon. Plowing through all the names was like reading a dense textbook and not a work of entertainment. Better to concentrate on no more than three or four characters and one location at a time. The focus must on one story element so that you can bring it to life and grab the readers interest. The reader must be hooked fast before their mind wanders onto the next thing. I would begin the thing with the death of father as that is when things get interesting.
Your poem grabbed me with the first stanza and you kept me hooked right to the end. I found the piece well crafted and polished. I did not detect any meter or rhyme scheme; I do like to find a bit of both when I read a poem, but the piece does work without them.
I got bogged down in the area between these verses:
"Such a pompous idea
A variable with no legs"
and
"I would still be a wolf"
That part of your poem doesn't seem to go anywhere or add to the plot and I found your intended meaning eluded me in that section. On a second reading I would edit out those stanzas.
You lost me by the end of the second sentence. A noble death and a hero's' lament are the stuff of dull stories; unless the writer produces a remarkable main character to hang those plot elements on.
The main character here remains uninteresting from the start. She seems more of an idea than a human being.
A historical main character can be a great start to a good story, but the author must provide something you can smell, taste, and touch to bring the story alive.
A small, unexpected, wonderful poem addressing the discontentment of this age. The zeitgeist of gangrenous necrosis. We shun solutions to the crude maladies of the small that will poison the whole if left unattended.
In this time populated by only the big and glamorous, this work returns me to those things which really matter. I am reminded we need the oxygen of new ideas to solve our old dissatisfactions .
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