I liked it! Your rhyme and verse required more than one read to sink in. I believe I detect a meter hidden in your verse. It appears to be a simple little poem yet becomes complex when read.
"Scotland has the thistle..." is my favorite stanza. Do I hear a certain fondness for all things Scotland?
Excellent! What a nice piece of prose and poetry. You had me hooked with the first stanza. I almost forgot that this was one of those stories with a horrible, frightening ending. Did I say it was "chilling"? I am sure the main character who speaks only in poetry has been done before but not that I remember so it sounded fresh and surprising to my ear. The verse and rhyme were wonderful.
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I needed more from your main character to make a connection that would compel me to keep reading.
This line:
"I had to do it not just for his sake but mine, I needed my faith back."
was the only hook the main character gave me to hang my interest on and it was not enough. The action with the spider did appeal to me. That scene deserved more detail and could have been used to tell your character's story.
As a completed short story the last line did not give me resolution or even an ending. Your story has a beginning and a middle, it needs that ending that resolves some plot element. Did he get his faith back, I do not know.
John
Wow! That is one mighty string of powerful words. I did not find a meter or rhyme so I'll say its free verse and it works well that way. My ears were left wanting, your verse is choppy and a little hard to understand at times. I think a touch of rhyme would help, but you do get your point across loud and clear.
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Bravo!, Here-Here!, Woot!, Author, author! Please step up on the stage and take a bow. I enjoyed reading your poem (can you tell). Meter, verse, and rhyme it's all good.
I believe there is always something worth changing in both poetry and life but in this case, my opinion is to leave the thing alone. Well done.
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I need the main character and plot of your story to be more substantial so I can make an attachment which will compel be to read on. In the first three paragraphs, I found nothing to hold on to. A lack of foreshadowing also contributed to a lack of focus on your plot.
You had me hooked with your first stanza but it is a complicated piece that required a few rereads. I hear a sad poem relating a love affair that better advice would have you forsake. A woman whom like the wind cannot be entirely grasped and held. A woman who is the wind and a man who can only roar into the gale though it does not hear him.
Your verse and meter are very good and give the poem a nice flow. I did have difficulty with the exposition, I found it a bit tricky to comprehend on the first reading.
You had me with your first line. It perfectly describes the rhythm of the water.
Being a man of the sea your poem stirred my memories; seeing a foreign shoreline on the horizon, hearing the waves crashing on the beach, the seabirds, and a ship rocking beneath me.
I suppose with a bit of work I might find something worthy of change but honestly I like it just the way it is.
I think I'll have it framed.
John
Upon careful inspection I believe "Universal forces" is my least favorite verse, my ear twitches when I read it.
A harrowing story, the stuff of nightmares. Writing a story about mental illness is a terribly difficult proposition. You fell into the trap of making a long list of "horribles" which breaks the readers connection to the main character. The piece then begins to sound like a medical compendium. Many writers use humor to break up that list of horrors to more interesting small bites that keep the reader focused on the main character.
It is a difficult story to write but keep at it because it is worth telling.
Bravo! You told your tale very well. Many stories get bogged down at some point with too much dialogue, description, or action and the reader gets bored. I rarely read a story with too few words. The temptation to pack every sentence and word that comes to mind is just too great. Your piece is well crafted and has just the right amount of words and is exactly the right length. Was I reading this in a magazine I would assume the author was a professional.
Remember the most important thing you put in your pack weighs nothing, it is knowledge. (a bible wouldn't hurt either)
A fascinating commentary on the current state of the medical industry and commercialism in present day America and into a frightening future. Upon reading I kept looking for more of a plot line and it made the read a bit more difficult without anything beyond the relationship of Shelly and Dr. Garcia. Your piece felt a bit like a nonfiction essay or perhaps a script for a live production monologue. Your writing is flawless and very easy to read, everything flowed together quite nicely.
You have successfully set the mood for your next chapter by nailing down the personality of your main character to perfection. My difficulty with your piece is that the description of Rachel wore me out. I believe it is too long to hold the reader's attention and detracts from the reader forming a bond with Rachel. I would have liked it better at half of its current length.
Unfortunately your story lost me somewhere about the middle. Too many gods and some of your descriptive passages left me flat. For example:
"even before everything changed, before the bloodshed, the greatest war in the history of the world"
This just sounded tired, there must be a more creative way to describe the war that changed the word. Before I reached the end of your piece I wanted it to be half the length that it currently is. Well that was painful but honest.
On a cheerier note your first sentence sucked me right in and I was startled when I realized the Captain was standing on the water not on the deck of a ship. Your piece was well put together and clearly has a talented mind behind it.
An excellent and well crafted story. I couldn't find any editing errors and every word seemed to be in the correct place. I wish I had your talent for punctuation. I enjoyed your bit of ominous foreshadowing concerning the main character and his "mad" father, not to mention the fatal architectural difficulties being experienced by the local inhabitants. Your balance of description, dialogue, and action felt just about right. All in all, I liked it.
Thanks for sharing your work it was a pleasure to review.
Ghastly and very well written are the first things that come to mind. My problem with your piece is that I didn't have any emotional connection to your main character so the ending just seemed horrible but empty, However, as an opening page to a longer work I would be saying bravo! well done! The story is so well written I would hate to think of it forgotten and all alone. Additionally without a hint of foreshadowing I was temped to get bored with the body of the story, I needed why I was reading this? and where is it taking me?
You have a good story here. I noted some small grammatical errors and a few missing words. For example:
"All Gwyn could taste (was)were dirt and mud and smoke and blood. All he could smell (was)were burnt flesh and the stench of death."
I believe the main body of the story could use some ominous foreshadowing to keep the reader interested and maybe it should be a little shorter. I would recommend tightening up the piece's prose as much as possible just to move things along a bit quicker. The ending is spot on, hit me right in the gut.
The story left me wanting more, always a good thing.
Having read many poems to my children I think your poem is right up there with best of them. I believe a short book with thick pages and lots of illustrations is in order.
Being a man of the sea I enjoyed your poem very much it brought back many memories of being far at sea where the stars shine so brightly you can sea the shadow of your hand before you. My only complaint is that it is not longer, surely fishermen touched by the magic of the mermaids must have a special purpose, oh, and I didn't like the use of the word "lump", I don't know why but it insulted my ears.
Action and more action, then greater action still. I liked it, in an overwhelming and confusing sort of way. Since I have not read chapter one I am sure I am missing something. The bottom of the chapter seemed to be relating to something that had come before so of course I could not quite figure out what was happening.
I do think it could use some thoughtful editing. As I read I stumbled over the grammar or sentence structure here and there, it did distract me from the plot. I would think your main audience will be gamers as it reads like a game.
Best of luck with your writing.
Well done! Don't change a thing, except perhaps, add a book behind it. This piece is one of the finest opening paragraphs I have read in ages. I see a wonderful children's book full of excitement and exploration. All seen through the eyes of a wildly optimistic little girl and her medium dragon.
I love the idea of an adventure story being wrapped around the building of a great city in the wilderness. Unfortunately I found this chapter confusing, too many introductions. Political discussions are darn difficult to make interesting and I think I would have found the conversation more compelling if only two or three characters were involved. This is not a fault of your writing which I found clear and fluid, just too many voices and too many talking points.
You have a wonderful imaginary touch to your writing and by the end of this piece I was left wanting more. However, it was bit "wordy" for my tastes. My suggestion would be to cut it to the bone and see what you think of that version. Perhaps try combining some sentences into one thought. I must add that I have the same criticism of Steven King's work.
Keep writing,I think you are headed in the write direction. Jonn
I intended to read only the first chapter since I am not a big fan of crime/love stories. I was onto chapter 3 before I remembered to write a review. Your writing is very professional, much better than a few books I have opened. I am sure if I was editing your work I would find a few improvements but at first glance I didn't see any. Both your dialogue and descriptions seem spot on, not too much or too little. I'm looking forward to reading some more.
An unnerving and honest description of mental illness. Your writing style pulled be in like an old friend. Readers who have not personally experienced mental health issues will never know exactly what it is like. But I think you have set the stage for your main character as well as anyone can. Perhaps your best audience would be readers who have suffered as your character has. Now all you need to do is add a story to it. I hope it has a happy ending.
I am of two minds. ON one hand I was reading a imaginative, profession piece of work. On the other hand I found it a difficult read. I often had to re-read bits and pieces to try and understand both plot and place. For my reading taste I would prefer less "future speak" and more description. My favorite line was the last one. It left me wanting more. I would like to note that I have opened more than one highly regarded work and could not make heads or tails of it. Maybe you could write a beginners edition for readers like me.
Keep up the good work. Jonn
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