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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/jooker
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235 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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1
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Review by D.L. Robinson
Rated: ASR | (3.0)
Hi Paul!
I enjoyed checking out this short piece. Your comical style is refreshing here and in another of your items I read about the woman with the mail bag and the bouncy bum that starts fires, lol.

If you were writing for fun this is great fun. If you are writing for publication I'd make at least this suggestion:

-Rather than starting with dialogue, I would suggest starting with more description of the setting to help the reader settle into the story before heading up those stairs. That's the main thing that sticks out at me

My favorite line here is the last one about God, the "benign old dude". I also enjoyed the ghost's character which seemed more "fleshed out" (pun intended) than the real people!

Thanks for sharing your talent,
Keep Writing!
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2
Review of Husband's Lament  
Review by D.L. Robinson
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi,
I enjoyed reading your comical take on an encounter between a tree and a van. The cadence and rhythm flowed nicely.

A very pleasant read, indeed!
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3
Review of I Have a Name  
Review by D.L. Robinson
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hey There! Thanks for the review. It looks like you might be new at WDC. If so, welcome! This is an excellent spot to try out your writing with lots of people who share your passion for writing.

I enjoyed reading your short story.

What I most liked:

-Your dialogue seems realistic and natural, not overly done. Dialogue can really help connect the reader to your story.

-Your use of "a good name" as a thread that keeps the main point of the story in the forefront, and also serves to peak the reader's interest in finding out what is this name you're referring to.

-The spunkiness of the main character. Matthew might not have been a match for Jason, physically but he was clearly more intelligent and not afraid to mouth off.

-Your use of humor: "I do not speak Neanderthal" Yes!


Suggestions:

Have fun fleshing out the characters using descriptors in the telling of the story;

Example: Jason wrapped the fat meaty fingers of his muscular hand around my scrawny wrist and squeezed. Mr. Anderson came running towards us as fast as his short legs would carry him (I'm not suggesting you use those exact words just giving an example of how you can introduce your characters to your reader while you're telling the story.

Again, thanks for reading my poem and welcome!

Keep Writing!
4
4
Review by D.L. Robinson
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hi Gigi:
Thanks for sharing your story and your writing! Sorry you had such an awful experience. Here are a few pointers that may help.

You do a good job of telling the story; giving the outline or skeleton of the relationship you're describing. If you just want to tell your story that's fine. However, if you want to make it interesting reading then I would suggest you add highlights now or accents that spice it up. This means:

1-instead of telling about how awful he was to you give examples. For instance you wrote: I needed for him to compromise with me. To give more and not just take from me constantly.It makes it more storylike and interesting if you just write about what happened specifically. How did you want hi to compromise, to give more and how did he take constantly.
In another place you wrote: Looking back on the relationship there were a ton of red flags . This is a great place to transition into showing what you mean by adding, "like the time when he..." Good writing will paint pictures and scenes in the mind of the reader. I assume you're a new writer and thinking of your "pen" more like a paintbrush will help with that concept.

2-Flesh out the characters a bit (you and he) by sprinkling in some descriptors woven between your writing so as not to look too obvious that that's what you're doing. A good place to do that would be where you wrote:
...no one was ballsy enough to ask me out. This opens a space to tell the reader something about yourself using this as a transition for example: Most of the guys at school found me attractive and ironically, because they did, no one was ballsy enough to ask me out. So, I suggest you find places like that which are openings to add interesting tidbits and details.

My favorite line: "Doesn't he see me drowning." That's a feeling that anyone who's ever been involved with a narcissist or psychopath can relate to. That line encapsulates just how insensitive and void of normal compassion a narcissist can be.

Thanks again, Gigi. Take what you can use and blow the rest away and Keep On Writing!
5
5
Review by D.L. Robinson
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi Lisa and thank you for the review of my poem "Heaven". I never quite know how to rate something like this because it's not the writing that is as important as the message. For the message I would give you a 5. You certainly make an impact on the reader by telling your own personal story with smoking. That's much more effective than facts and statistics about smoking. And yes, I am trying to ease this unwanted habit out of my life as well.Congratulations to you!

Your writing was clear and to the point and you kept your message central to this piece. That made it an easy read without any clutter or unnecessary words. The only time this was not the case is with this line:

"Smoking causes many forms of cancer including throat and stomach cancer. It is also a major contributor to heart attacks and diabetes."

This line seemed disjointed and disconnected from the flow of this article; more like random facts just thrown out there for filler. Perhaps it could be woven better into the piece in a more effective way.

I hope you find this review helpful. Take what you can use and with a breath of kindness, blow the rest away ;)

Keep Writing!
6
6
Review by D.L. Robinson
Rated: E | (4.0)
Thank you for the candid sharing of a day in your life in prison. The irony of this is brilliant and makes a very strong point. You made this reader see as you saw that day, through the dogs' eyes. And from that POV you relayed how EVERYTHING desires freedom, and how dehumanizing it is to be put in a cage. The title is very effective also. This is powerful writing.

Keep Writing!
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Review by D.L. Robinson
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello! Thanks for your review of my piece
The Way We Are  (E)
An inspiring take on the realities of marriage and staying married
#1688336 by D.L. Robinson
and here's one for you!

What I Liked:

This is a thought provoking piece that on first glance is about writing things down to remember them. However, a deeper meaning and message lies between the lines that can be summed up in this one sentence that you wrote. That is - "Realistically, I only have today." The deeper message is to grab on to each moment. And to do that we have to grab on to each thought. Writing our thoughts down is how we grab them and snatch them from the ether less they keep slithering away into the abyss, along with the creativity and purpose they may have inspired us to express. Thereby causing "wishes of the heart" to remain un-manifested.

Suggestions to Consider:

Assuming I have interpreted the "deeper meaning" you are attempting to relay, you could expound on and extend this to bring that "I only have today" idea out more prominently instead of leaving it between the lines because it is a very pertinent and profound message.

Again, thanks for the review. Take what you can use and with a breath of kindness, blow the rest away.

Keep Writing!
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Review by D.L. Robinson
Rated: E | (4.0)
Thanks for sharing this. This resonated with me. As someone who deals with depression from time to time, I am keenly aware of that moment you describe when upon awakening, a choice has to be made to either give in to the heaviness or get out of bed and face the day. I like your gentle though effective treatment of this subject - and while in some cases depression is due to a chemical imbalance, for some there is still some degree of choice about how much or how little to be effected by it. This piece for me is a welcomed reminder of that.

Thanks...and keep writing!
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Review by D.L. Robinson
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I enjoyed reading this account of your trip and subsequent move to Bocas del Torro. Your spontaneous decision to buy property and live there is inspiring. I have been wanting to do something similar and your sharing of this experience may have made me just a little bit braver. Oh, and the telling of the story was well done! Excellent job in taking "the Bull" by the horn. Keep Writing!
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Review by D.L. Robinson
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hi! Thanks for your review of my item "Divine Intelligence: God Outside the Box. Your thoughts in this piece are very similar to the ideas i expressed in the essay you reviewed. Obviously, we have like minds. I particularly liked the way you phrased the question at the root of it all:

Am I really a raft on a choppy sea, or a keen captain who is carefully navigating his fate over the ocean of life?

That's a thought provoking metaphor that cuts right to the quick of it with an illustrious image to ponder. My answer to that question would be we're all captains, some of us keen to that fact (and our power) and some of us not. Nonetheless, we're at the helm.

Good Stuff...Keep writing!
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Review of The Penny  
Review by D.L. Robinson
Rated: E | (4.0)
Thanks for your review of my short piece "CALL ME MAGGIE now here's one for you!

Using great imagery, you have given life to an inanimate, uninteresting object and made it seem significant. Often forsaken as less important, than say a dollar, you have placed it for the moment above the dollar saying:

I don’t care to dream of dollars...The Penny is now warm against my hand.

It is precious to you in this moment as the phrase "Kissed by my thumb..." suggests.

Your contemplation of the penny has overtones of a spiritual nature in that it brings the reader to the "now" (the penny) and the appreciation of what is rather than what could be (dollars). The penny itself becomes representative of not just one cent but one moment precious moment in time. It is this contemplative, thought provoking nature of the poem that most appeals to me.

Good job! Keep Writing.
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Review of Soul Sisters  
Review by D.L. Robinson
Rated: E | (3.5)
It's another MiaMac Original!!

*Heart*Here's what I Liked:

* Opening with Lola on the run works to pull the reader immediately into the story with action. (Only problem here is that I later find out she hasn't actually "been running for miles" and would therefore not be in need of stopping for water - so here content is not consistent)

* The setting, action, characters, and language mostly accurately depicted a scene you might find happening in the inner-city.

*lightbulb* What might be improved:

* The thing that stands out the most here is that your language vascillated between your voice and the hood voice you were going for. So that took me out of the story at times.

* Things wrapped up too nicely in a couple of places. When Lo recognizes one of the girls as the sales girl that sold her the purse, that was unbelievable. Not only was this too nice a wrap, but the girl didn't come across as someone who would have worked in a fine retail establishment Had you described the girl as someone who might have worked in the place that sold high end merchandise it might have gone over better. But you described her as "manly" and I wouldn't picture her behind a counter selling women's purses. So you want to keep your characters consistent to who they are by what they say, what they do and how you describe them to your audience.

The other place where things wrap up too easily is in the end. I think Tree would have had a stronger reaction to finding out Lo's race than "who did your weave." She might have said that to break the tension after she said, "Oh sit! You're white??" And then, "Damn girl, who did your weave."

I'll say again though on the main point: consistency, consistency, consistency.

I enjoyed again reading one of your stories. Hope this helps!
Peace
jooker





13
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Review by D.L. Robinson
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
*Note1*Overall: Your writing style here is clean, uncluttered and refreshing.

*Heart* What I Liked:
The dialogue between these two characters is pleasurably realistic and moves the story along well.
You capture very well the nuances of a young man trying to woo a reluctant prospect. Coupled with the dialogue, the actions portrayed by each character make the scenes believable and interesting to read.
You left me wanting to know more about Averlyn and why she's so withdrawn and reserved, and how this relationship will develop.

*Idea* Corrections/Ideas:
I have none!

*Thumbsup*Good job...when's the rest coming!
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Review of A DAY TOO SOON  
Review by D.L. Robinson
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Heart*This is a great story beginning. I'm in that drafty house and I want to know more about it, more about the dream. I am interested from a psychological perspective in the meaning of the dream. I wonder if as more of the story is told the meaning will seep through to the reader.


*Idea* Suggestions/Observations

...and holding on to them and keeping them close was impossible.

This line gave me some trouble because even if the children are big, it wouldn't be impossible to hold on to them. You can hug a big person too!

The fact that she (or you) felt she couldn't, because it's a dream, suggested an undertone of tension or distance between the woman and the children being subconsciously revealed.
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Review by D.L. Robinson
Rated: E | (5.0)
Beautiful story...brought back the same sweet sentiment as when I watched the movie The Notebook

Most appealing aspect: You do a great job of portraying the love and affection between this couple without ever saying something as trite as "They loved each other very much." The little nuances you throw in such as her reply when he gives her tea (Thank you, Daddy) and "He enjoyed watching her eat what he had prepared," tug at the emotional strings of the reader so they feel this love instead of understand it cerebrally. Well done! In fact it is so realistically done that I suspect this may be creative fiction based on a love you actually witnessed.

*Heart* My favorite line:

"...today his weeping was making an 'old man' out of him fast."

Suggestions:

Even though you say he was aging well I still found 91 to be an unbelievable age for such virility. I don't imagine the average 91 year old man cooking, caring for a sick wife, making apple pies, visiting the nursing home everyday and the such. I would consider knocking ten years off and make him 81.

Also along the same lines, a man 91, or even 81, would not generally have footsteps that can be heard coming down the hall. For one thing he probably wears soft-healed shoes and for another thing he wouldn't step quite as hard or heavily as a younger man. One might hear a man that age "shuffling" down the hall, perhaps. Just my thoughts on this.

Enjoyable read...Keep Writing
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Review of Rx: Laughter  
Review by D.L. Robinson
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Sophy,

This personal essay inspired and made me feel good as I laughed vicariously with your mom while reading and remembering parts of "Bernie" myself. Thanks for the reminder to laugh. Made me think of a great quote by a wonderful author:

"I love myself when I'm laughing," Zora Neale Hurston
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Review by D.L. Robinson
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
*Heart*Bravo! This did my heaart good. I almost cheered at the end. Had personal meaning because I have been there. Not with a sociopath but a narcisiss(sp?). Though there's not much difference.


favorite part:

My writing stopped.
My pen I dropped.

These short brisk sentences both coming to a hard stop portray well the halt of writing. The pen dropping is a great visual and also audio (I heard it hit the floor).

I'm glad you came out of the abyss and got your muse back.

Keep Writing!
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Review by D.L. Robinson
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Heart*I very unique a and powerful way to say...there's more than one way. I loved your presentation of this message. The opening verse is startlingly marvelous. The old english style with perfect wording and meter.
The first verse is a poem within itself. It has the ring of something that catches and is quoted for years, decades or centuries to come. I loved it!

*Thumbsdown* After the first verse you don't stay consistent with the old english style...you go in and out of it like going in and out of character. Also, the meter did not stay tight all the way through.

*Idea* such a beautiful expression of a lovely, and contempory idea in spiritual thought. This one deserves the work that would make it sparkle. It already shines.


*Thumbsup*Keep Writing!
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Review of The red red rose  
Review by D.L. Robinson
Rated: E | (4.0)
This sounded like a very creative, imaginative chlildrens' story...until the end. It seems too sad for young children. Perhaps the boy could be saved by something the little girl does, before the life dains out of him. With that change I think this would be a great children's story. Even a book perhaps *Smile*.

Great imagination!

*Thumbsup* Keep Writing!
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Review of Mulholland What?  
Review by D.L. Robinson
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Do you write movie reviews for a living? If not, maybe you should. You did an excellent job of describing this movie and, having seen it, I can attest this is no small feat. Your use of humor makes the movie seem less grotesque and strange, whereas just telling someone straight out about it would probably make them run the other way. Your writing might actually entice someone to take a peek at the most bizarre movie I have ever seen. --and still liked.

Great job!!

*Thumbsup*Keep Writing!!
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Review by D.L. Robinson
Rated: E | (3.5)

Your message is very poignant and the last line wraps it up beautifully:

How can they look upon this world and think what we have is beautiful if they cannot see past their front door?

The imagery of a child trapped inside their home, behind their front door, hits the mark here and helps make the point of the essay.

You wrote about something here that is very appropriate for the times we live in. I, for one, am very passionate and concerned about the loss of innocence in our society as demonstrated in how different children of today experience life. Thanks for writing this.

*Flower2*Note: I rated this as I did because grammar and sentence structure could use some polishing.

*Thumbsup*Keep Writing!



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Review by D.L. Robinson
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Jaya:

*Heart* What I liked

With just a few words you have written a story that put me right in the middle of it. The main character and the peripheral characters all came alive for me. I could see her "coolness" when she approached them in the garden and I could fee their nervousness at being caught. That part evoked in me the pleasure that cuteness evokes. She scared the s*** out of them and she got a kick out of it I'm sure. I'm sure they got a kick out of the penalty they received, which was again, endearingly cute. All this seemed an accurate depiction of the way humans behave when we're functioning at our best, and how lasting connections are made. The characters are obviously off to a bonded relationship that could easily be expanded into a longer story.

(e:idea}Suggestions/Corrections

No wonder, to Paula Grayson, carefree and colorful, appeared the world.
The wording is odd so that I had to reread to get the jist of what was meant, I would change to

No wonder, that to Paula Grayson, the world appeared carefree and colorful.



“One of you should also teach me to ride the bike. You see, I just love to bike.”
This sentence does not make logical sense. She can't love to bike if she hasn't even learned how yet.{/}



She met the kids’ mother Gracie, who worked hard as a seamstress to make both ends meet. Paula understood the kids’ concern for their mother.

In this sentence you say Paula understood the boys' concern for their mother. However, I the reader, cannot understand since you havn't told me anything about the mother to elicit concern except that she works hard and that in itself is not necessarily a cause for concern. I think i would add something that would evoke concern in the reader so that your point is made. For instance, something about how tired and haggard she looked when Paula saw her. Or maybe she was frail with a depressed look on her face. Or perhaps she told Paula something that would arouse concern.

Overall, I really enjoyed reading the story. These are just a few suggestions that would polish up a couple of rough spots.

*Thumbsup* Good job...Keep Writing!
DL Robinson



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Review of The Zealot  
Review by D.L. Robinson
Rated: ASR | (3.0)
*Smile* Hi Ken:

Thanks for reviewing my poem "NO ROOM IN THE BATHROOM. Now here's one for you!

*Heart*What I liked:
I particularly like clerical humor and I like to play with words. So that was two points with me right off the riff.

*Idea* Ideas/Suggestions

This would be much more comical and clever if the timing was better. The flow is a bit bumpy and interferes with the delivery of a pretty humorous poem. I have a suggestion I use to stay in metre. Read each line of your poem out loud to yourself at a steady pace and count it out the same way musicians count out beats to music. (1...2...3...4, etc.) Rhyming lines should end on the same number. If they don't you chop out or add in syllables until they do (sometimes that means finding another word).

Hope this is helpful.
*Note1* Keep Writing!


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Review of The Big Picture  
Review by D.L. Robinson
Rated: E | (5.0)
*Smile*Hi Donna:

*Heart*This is a great and wonderful testimony of something bigger, MUCH bigger, than ourselves. I'm glad you got an answer to the question "Why, me?" And an awesome answer it was in deed.

Your writing was without any flaws that I could see. I enjoyed reading this.

*Thumbsup* Keep Writing!
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Review of The Good Life  
Review by D.L. Robinson
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hi, Welcome to WDC...hope you're having fun! *Smile*

*Heart* What I liked

Right off the riff, I liked the name Boogie. Both, character names and story titles can add a lot to a story. I love good titles and good character names.
I like that you give insight into the character immediately by stating:

I dont have nos tories with daddy playing ball with me and momma calling me for supper all i got is real live shit that happen everyday

This shows dimension in your character. He's living a hard life, but he still has a heart otherwise it wouldn't be important for him to state he never had a mother or a father. He still has a longing for these things that he missed, even if only slightly.

Putting your reader in conflict, making them like or feel sympathy for someone they shouldn't makes for good, interesting reading. You do this by what I explained above and also by showing a "soft" side when he speaks of Yasmin who is like a sister to me.

Also, although he is a bad boy, the reader can see that he is not a lost cause, and has some sense of ambition and purpose because he gradutated high school. The character you're describing, more often than not, does not graduate from high school. Therefore, your character is made more special and interesting.

*Idea*Suggestions/Corrections

There are severeal punctuation, spelling errors. Paying attention to this stuff can be a drag, but you're a good writer/story teller and this will make your talent shine more. I only picked out a few:

stunting --> stunning
veiwing --> viewing
nos tories --> no stories

It was only yesterday i saw Boogie, he was... ("I should be capital; comma should be period; "he" should be capitalized as beginning of new sentence.

e:thumbsdown} What I Didn't Like:

The bitches, ho's and nigga's are not something I enjoy reading; however, if this is your niche and you're serious about writing, it does sell

Hope to see you around...Keep Writing!
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