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286 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Review by D.L. Robinson
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
*Smile*Hi Steven:
Thanks for your review of my item "The Best Day of My Life" . And here's a review for you!

*Heart*I thought this was imaginative and very entertaining. I was engrossed throughout the entire thing.

*flower*The physical descriptions of your heavenly characters is done well and I could see them. The personality of your characters is developed well also.

*flower* the dialect you used (not sure what you call it) was well done and consistent throughout.

*Heart*My favorite part
The imagery and description you used of Rathiel being japped by Jaisa was fantastic. I especially liked

His wings, forced to unfurl, changed color. The white of his feathers grew dark as night.

*Note* Overall Impression:
This was very creative and engaging. It would make a very good fantasy book if you plan to continue. I certainly would want to read it.

*Wink*Keep Writing
D.L. Robinson
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77
Review of Tres Leches  
Review by D.L. Robinson
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
*Smile* Hi RH:

*hear* I thought this was beautiful.

Sometimes a poem gives you sensations instead of intellectual concepts...This one tasted sweet to me. For all that's worth, I think you get my gist because you describe yourself as spiritual. It left a pleasant, sweet taste on my "spiritual palate."

It's dripping with motherhood, ancestry, the universe, life, family and all those things that provide the heartbeat of humanity.

*Wink*Thanks for a beautiful moment...Keep Writing!!
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78
Review of Center Stage  
Review by D.L. Robinson
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi Missmacy:

*Heart* What I liked.

The way you string together your ideas from one thought to the next was concise and tight. The essay followed a logical, rational, seqence as one idea built on another, and this made for good readability.

Your baseball analogy was good without being overdone.

I like the feel of this, light and airy.

*Idea*A Few Technical Errors:

There’s always that negative feeling when you wanted something so, so bad, but you didn’t get it.

Your tenses don't match: "There's" (present); "wanted" and "didn't" (past)" so that this sounds awkward. Try:
There's always that negative feeling when you want something so, so bad, but you don't get it.

You know, I remember when I was 15, and I saw a gorgeous pair of Steve Madden white heels, in Ross one time, and my mom wouldn’t let me have them that day.

This sentence is long and sounds clumsy. A possible rewrite:
You know, I remember when I was fifteen and i saw a gorgeous pair of Steve madden white heels in Ross. My mom wouldn't let me have them that day, and when I went back a couple of days later they were gone.

I wanted those shoes so bad, but I didn’t get them. Just like I wanted this part.

"Just like..." is not a sentence. Try this:
I wanted those shoes so bad, but I didn't get them; just like I wanted this part.

Not for the fame, not for the riches, just for the fact that I know, that even though I never got a lead in high school, that I was still good enough.

This is a phrase and the wording is a bit rough, as in not smooth. I would suggest:
I wanted it not for the fame nor for the riches, but just for the fact of knowing -- even though I never got a lead in high school -- I was still good enough.
(dashes are a great way to get around run on sentences just try not to overdo it as I sometimes do.*Smile*)

Some, you just can’t just do anything about

You accidentally wrote "just" twice.

I’ll always come back for another inning, and hope again for the big one. The one that’ll make my career.

"The one that..." is a phrase. You should separate it from the preceding sentence with a (;) not a (.) and then "The" is not capitalized.

Yup, one day, I’ll be back on this stage, where I’ve been a thousand times, but you won’t see me in the chorus, I’ll be up front, center stage.”

This sentence is too long and would flow better if you made it into three:
Yup, one day I'll be back on this stage where I've been a thousand times before. But, you won't see me in the chorus. I'll be up front, center stage.

*Note1* Overall:
Although I said above the flow and readibility was good, it would have been better is not for so many fragmented sentences. The message left me ith a good, positive feeling. I think you have a strong outlook for one yet so young. That will take you far.
In your bio you said specifically said you wanted to improve your writing skills so I trie to give a thorough, honest review. Hope this is helpful to you.

P.S. writing reviews is an excellent way to work on your writing skills as you think about what good/not so good writing is.

*Wink*Keep Writing!!
D.L. Robinson
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79
Review by D.L. Robinson
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
*Smile* Hello 627.

*Heart*Let me just say that I intended on reading the first chapter only. But I enjoyed that so much that I said, "Ok, I'll read chapter two." Well then I read that and...well I ended up reading the whole darn thing and loved every word of it!

This was so funny and imaginative that I would pay to go on a tour of your head! I loved this! Your wit is so apparent, well-timed, and not overdone in the least. You make Hell sound like a very cool place to visit.

*Flower1*You did an excellent job here. The story is well written as far as mechanics and structure, and your style was crisp and engaging throughout.

I am plugging this!

*Wink* Thanks for a great moment....Keep Writing!!
D.L. Robinson
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Review of Forbidden Power  
Review by D.L. Robinson
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
*Smile*Hi Qaz: Thanks for the review of "Divine Intelligence: God Outside the Box" . Now here's a review for you!

*Heart* What I liked:
I appreciate the attempt you have made to put into words the struggle between the heart(when we are compelled on a new path) and constraints (from society, family, other religious loyalty or whatever) that hold us in bondage to the familiar or "acceptable" way. This sense of what I've coined as "spiritual constipation" is so strong that I want to scream at you, "Just let go! Go with it!" You start out boldly as A spring bud that can not be deniedand end up not knowing "what I am to do". So you have effectively relayed the emotion I think you were going for which is mainly fear and guilt. I had to read it a couple of times to feel it though.
*Idea* Suggestions

*Flower1*: The metre was tight in some places then got a bit loose. This took away from flow and smooth reading. You might want to play with that a little bit.

*Flower2*The line The enchantment of growing and greendidn't feel right. I think it's that you were inconsistent in using an adverb an adjective together like that, "growing and green". I'm not an english major but I think this would be more appropriately written "growing and being green" but that would probably not fit, but I hope you get the point.

{e:flower3: The last line fizzled for me. You used imagery of nature in the last line of all the other stanzas (discluding the refrain) and I think if you stick to this format and end with "pretty" natural imagery, this would stay within the poetic-ness of the piece thus far.

{e:note4} Overall Impression:
It didn't "offer" itself to me, I had to work to get at the heart of this piece, which is ultimately the heart of the author.

*Wink*
81
81
Review by D.L. Robinson
Rated: E | (3.5)
*Smile*Hello Southern Diva: I thought this was pretty good. I'm surprised you got a "1" rating.

*Heart*
The main thing I liked is that I had to keep reminding myself this was fiction. The way you describe the sequence of events of a hurried morning seemed realistic and not overdone...the cat in the way, forgoing morning exercise, no time to warm the car up, etc...all that seems like what might happen and what one may be thinking about as they're running late to a meeting and having a hectic morning.

*Thumbsdown*
You started this out in the present tense and changed to past tense as the story progressed. This was the main flaw of the whole thing in my opinion.

Today I was in a deep sleep, the bleeping sounded much like a cat tip-toeing on the carpet in the house and the clock shows 6:30 am.

This sentence is too cluttered and clumsy. You might try: "Today I was in a deep sleep. The bleeping sounded much like a cat tip-toeing on the carpet."

The next sentence should go something like: "I looked at the clock to confirm it was 6:30am,then jumped out of bed..."

You have some punctuation errors, for instance:

Now, who in the world calls a meeting for first thing on Monday morning.(?)

How in the world(had)I got here without too much ado was a miracle.(?)

You might want to comb through for others.

So much for the good deal I got the day I bought the “buy one pair, get one pair half off” special

This line takes the punch out of the mix-matched shoes. It's more effective if she just happened to put on mix-matched shoes because she was in a hurry...a mistake she made fits better with the events of the morning than a mistake made by the store.

*Note2* Overall, I found this a nice read. The events seemed realistic in the context of the story.

*Wink* Keep Writing!
D.L. Robinson
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Review of Veiled Existance  
Review by D.L. Robinson
Rated: E | (5.0)
*Heart*You had me from the first line with the terrific imagery!

*Idea* Here are a few things to consider:

They talk about what lies behind the curtain,...
(I think you meant the people backstage and so this would be "beyond" the curtain)

Change in POV:
You start with "We live a veiled existence..."
then move to "Yet, Those behind the curtain appear to have forgotten the curtain altogether."
(You started out talking about "us" and ended up switching in midstream to "them")

A couple of typos:
costumes they done (don)
who knows (know) that the heavy satin

*Note3* Overall Impression
I loved this! Such a wonderful analogy on purpose or the lack thereof. Cleverly done and very effective and making the point. In spite of the few errors I am giving this a 5 for presentation and content!

*Wink*Get out there and break a pen or just Keep Writing!!
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Review of Tried & True  
Review by D.L. Robinson
Rated: E | (4.5)
Kjo:

*Heart* What I Liked

This is very well-written. The dialogue is realistic allowing the reader to feel the dimensions of each character as well as character relationships. I like Cora with the "chickens in the house." I've always had a soft spot for eccentric elderly folk. Your handling of language and wording is exceptional here as well.

*Flower1* There were a few typos and quite a few punctuation errors. You can probably catch them if you read through with a fine-toothed comb. Afterwards, I will look at it again for you and tell you if I see any you missed.

*Heart* Some of My Favorite Imagery
cautiously crunching twigs

He had eyes the color of warm molasses,

"...the barn, which looked like it could tumble from just the thought of sheltering animals. The chicken coop was leaning desperately as if one pull of the termite ridden planks would cause it to gratefully crumble to the ground in shambles."

"...the way morning dew lays itself down over the responsive grass."

"...her silver hair spread across the pillow..."

*Idea* Because there are so many children, and different names kept coming from everywhere, I think it would be a good idea to introduce the reader in the beginning to how many children there are.

*Note1* Overall Impression
I really liked the story. It had a very welcoming feeling and I felt an attachment to the characters. You definitely get a feel for family and family dynamics here. I didn't want Cora to commit suicide when I felt that coming because I liked her! I probably would have rated this a five without the punctuation errors, but there were several.

*Wink* Keep Writing!
D.L. Robinson
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84
Review by D.L. Robinson
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Smile* Hi Mayra:
You have written an interesting, informative article with lots of good advice for moms aspiring to find time to write. I'm sure many can relate to this issue of making time for writing, so thanks for sharing.

*Idea*I noticed a few things you might want to look at.

*Flower1*-when expressing someone's thoughts, italics are usually used to set this out from text, as in these three instances:

This is hopeless, I may as well quit.
Hey, wait a minute!” you think. “You said to stay away from junk food.”
But how do I get rid of my children!?

"fulfil" should be fulfill

"...fulfil the road..." This doesn't make sense. One does not fulfill a road. You might consider a different phrase like "fulfill your dream."

*Flower2* Some typos:
I strongly advice (advise)
give your brain to(too) much time
most important think (thing) you’ll do.
while you write on (in)the next room.


*Flower3*This following line is written in conclusion paragraph.

"None of the above will prove helpful if you lack the determination to stick to a schedule."

This opening line of your conclusion does not exactly wrap up the contents of your article. You talk about much more than sticking to a schedule (i.e., diet, exercise, etc). Something more effective would be along the lines of:
"None of the above will prove helpful if you lack the determination to stick to your plan," or something else that would be more concise with contents of the article.

*Note1*Hope this has been helpful...Take what you can use and blow the rest away{i/}

*Wink* Keep Writing!!
D.L. Robinson
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85
Review by D.L. Robinson
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*Smile* Hi Grace:
Your prologue definitely worked to pique my interest in the rest of the story. I thought this was engaging from the start, really liked the action, the mystery.

*ideas*
He turned a corner and faded into the shadows, disappearing from view.

This visual did not work for me. She can't see him fading into the shadows after he's turned the corner.
Perhaps "He turned a corner and dissappeared from her view" or something to this effect. Although I do like the image of "disappearing into the shadows" and perhaps you could fit it in somewhere in there with a little rewriting.

..."she waited outside the door for him to come out."

Perhaps some reference to how long she waited would be good here. She waited five minutes, or 2 hours, or all night can be very different in reader's mind.

I thought I might like a little more time spent on "the beast". Either through description of him or through his actions in the dream. "the beast" was weak and didn't get me in on her/his fear.


Very effective visual/imagery here:
"Her mind was racing, thoughts jumping in and out of her head like frogs, and she was unable to catch any of them."

*Note* Overall Impression
Story captivates from the start. I am left wanting to know where it's going, what the man is hiding and why is this fifteen year old girl having dreams about him. You've set the hook, now you just have to reel 'em in *Wink*

*Smile* Keep Writing!
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Review of Paper cut  
Review by D.L. Robinson
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Kara:
*Heart* Wonderful piece! You describe so thoroughly and vividly the damage that words can do. I love words and recognize their power.

On the review request page, for description you had given the first line. I knew I would love it when I read that line and "saw" the word sliding across the surface. That sounds so cool...sliding across the surface. And so grasps the cool, nonchalant manner in which hurtful words are often administered.

*Heart*Other particularly favorite things:

"On edge it slides into a crack;" such a nice play on getting a word in "edge-wise"

Using "cookie" and "misfortune" back to back was ingenious as an obvious take on "fortune cookie"

and the last verse...
And then it's lost in piles of notes
or locked inside some wooden box
like long forgotten luck
until the time its poison's needed

and last line...
to inflict a paper cut.

*Note* Overall Impression
I don't hand out "5's" easily. Not to be shrewd,just trying to be honest. This one I think is well deserved. Loved it, loved it, loved it! Did I say I loved it?

*Wink* Keep Writing
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Review of The Last Days  
Review by D.L. Robinson
Rated: E | (4.5)
Fat Man:

This has to be your niche. I doubt you could be just as good at something else as you are at humor. I was crackin' up.

*Heart*Favorite lines:
"I don’t know why most people think killing themselves is the easiest way out; I just used the door."

"I got up the courage to talk to her, and as I said 'hello', she immediately ate my fish. That’s when I knew she wasn’t from around here."

"I later realized that flying was physically impossible. So I resumed my work with reading antelopes minds."

Keep Writing!!
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Review of One Minute God  
Review by D.L. Robinson
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi Moonlight:
I picked this to review because you said you hadn't gotten any, so here goes.

*Heart* What I like
I believe in what you are saying here so I was not adverse to reading anything about "God."

The analogy of a parent writing a love letter to their children presented a kind, approachable representation of a book that many find intimidating.

*Thumbsdown* What I didn't like
I really don't like reading through dense text with little or no paragraph demarcation. I find it distracting, like going to a garage sale and having to sort through a box of clothes as opposed to having them in neatly folded stacks on a table.

*Note4* Overall Impression
The message is, as I said, one I agree with. However, it's not anything that hasn't been said before and is therefore unoriginal. That being said, I think more effort needs to be put into making an old song sound new, so to speak. The point of the essay is persuasion...to persuade people to dedicate more time to study and worship God. Had I not already been on this band wagon, I do not think this essay would have effectively persuaded me to jump on. As it is, it's the kind of thing you read, think to yourself -- good point--then forget about it.

Take what you can use and with the breath of kindness, blow the rest away

*Wink* Keep Writing!!
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Review of Too Late  
Review by D.L. Robinson
Rated: E | (4.0)
What I liked

*Heart*You maintain the element of surprise very well, never once giving the slightest clue as to how this would end. Clever, clever, clever!

*Heart* The "interaction" that he has with his wife in the bathroom is very effective in keeping the element of surprise for later...It was enjoyable to re-read these after reading the whole thing and see a different angle.

Suggestions

"...foreign concepts to him, momentum required that he constantly be on the move."

*Idea*There should be a (.) after "him" and "Momentum" should be the start of a new sentence.

"Some things seemed to only get better with age, she was obviously one of them"

*Idea*Instead of a (,) between "age" and "she" it seems more appropriate to use a (--) or a (;)

Also, I think "some things" is empty and your description would shine better if the reader was given something visual or tactile for imagery to aid in the way we think of the character you are referring to...for example

"Like fine wine and good cheese, she seemed to only get better with age."

Something like this provides good imagery but also aids in giving the reader more ways to think of the character by comparing her to something specific.

"...insinuating himself between his wife and the mirror."

*Idea* I don't think this is a proper use of the word "insinuating." You might want to check that out. Perhaps you meant "situating."


"His rythmic gait that brought him through the doorway..." This line, wording gave me mucho problemo. I kept reading it over and over and it felt like fingernails scratching on a blackboard. "Rythmic gait" I had a hard time imagining and the fact that it "brought" him through the doorway didn't jive with me. Can a gait "bring" one anywhere

*Idea* Regarding "rythmic gait" I could see
"bouncy" or "peppy" but rythmic does nothing for me as far as description...what was the rythm? could be slow, fast, one step forward then two backwards. *Idea*

*Note4* Overall Impression
Very neatly done the way you surprised the reader at the end. Some of the word choices and sentence structure seemed forced without being well thought out as above. But overall, anytime you get a response from the reader at the end like Wow! Oh my Gosh! No Way!, you've done a good job. This piece got that response.

*Wink*Keep Writing, you clever Devil you!
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Review of Hope  
Review by D.L. Robinson
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Ta:
As I can see, there are no cosmetic errors (punctuation, spelling, etc.) I hate picking through all that stuff anyway -- especially when I am reading a piece that resonates with me as much as this did.

Any mother, would find this telling and true of the horror of worrying late at night about one of our "missing pups." I am the mother of one son who just turned 21. As a single mom I used to say I'll be glad when he's all grown up. But when he got old enough to drive, I missed those days when he was 10, 11, 12 because even if he was getting on my last nerve, I always knew where he was!*Smile*

Enough about me, back to you. *Smile*

*Heart*The last paragraph really brings home the agonizing fear...
"the harsh, frightening ring" of the telephone (could feel that!)
and then the relief of knowing the "pup" is o.k.

You show this so well with a simple phrase that would melt any mothers heart on any give day for any given reason..."I'm sorry mom, I love you."
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Review of The Last Laugh  
Review by D.L. Robinson
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Susie:

*Heart* What I liked
One word for ya... PUBLISH!!!
Great Story and if it's true, even better. That's what I like. It's just a great story because it's a great story and fortunately you are a skilled writer who tells it extremely well. This really lends itself to becoming a full-fledged autobiography.

*Idea* Suggestions
I rated this "5". It ain't perfect, but perfect enough. There were some errors and such, though not many, but I didn't even wanna be bothered with that mechanical stuff because the story was so good...besides, a good editor can handle all that jazz.

*Note4* Overall Impression
Oh yeah, did I forget to say this is a GREAT, WELL-WRITTEN STORY THAT SHOULD BE PUBLISHED!!!!!!

*Wink* Keep Writing...
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Review of Shanny-Poopshoe  
Review by D.L. Robinson
Rated: E | (4.5)
Shannon:

I only noticed one mechanical error.

*Idea* Shouldn't "...each new day and shift worked provides plethora opportunity for provocative story ideas"
be:
"...each new day and shift worked provides a plethora of opportunities for provocative story ideas."

*Heart* Otherwise, the story flows along nicely. "Rose" is created here in a loving, sweet manner that made me smile to myself while reading about her. This would be a great entry for a Chicken Soup book and they do seek submissions as you may already know. I think they even have one specifically for nurses.

*Smile*Thanks for sharing and...Keep Writing!!
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Review by D.L. Robinson
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Bill:

I liked this piece a lot. I love it when anyone takes a serious subject and treats it with humor. And a couple of the lines did make me laugh right out loud...imagine!


*Heart* Favorite lines:

“Aw, I bet you say that to all the dead girls.”

"...It doesn’t hurt as much as it used to, except when the wind blows, and I can hear that damn annoying whistle.”

*Smile* You're funny...Keep Writing!
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Review by D.L. Robinson
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Kenzie:

Thanks for sharing your reflections on life. Sounds to me like you've got it all figured out. I am 44 and just coming into that space you're in. Isn't it sweet? It seems to be the reward of trials and tribulations. It makes material wealth look like fool's gold, and I like you, am glad to have found it.

My son's birthday is a day before yours, April 12th.
Allow me to offer a heartfelt Happy 57th Birthday!! Lucky you. You're about to make it to 60. You are blessed andrich.
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95
Review by D.L. Robinson
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
You got me good...I don't do war stories but before I knew it I was sucked in, and happy to be.

Beautifully told story,
Thanks for a sweet moment
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Review of Bertha's Kitchen  
Review by D.L. Robinson
Rated: E | (4.5)
Nice...a happy story about death! Now there's a feat. Have no criticisms. You do a good job with flow and creating the mood of celebration. I found this very appealing and refreshing to present death in these terms.

I liked the little hints you included (hands that don't burn, everybody choosing their ages, kitchen expanding and shrinking, nothing ever breaks, etc.) That really did sound like heaven!

Keep Your Pen up!!
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Review of Broken Childhood  
Review by D.L. Robinson
Rated: E | (3.0)
*Heart* What I liked
I have worked with foster children, been a foster parent AND a foster child myself. The state of crisis that such children are put in when they are taken from their home environments is often overlooked because, afterall, they are supposedly better off. It's good to see someone touch on this subject. The trauma of abuse is given much attention, the trauma caused by the "remedy" is rarely touched upon. Thanks for sharing your story

*Idea* Suggestions

*Flower1*I think you tell this story in a very subdued manner that leaves a lot out and may make it difficult for anyone who hasn't actually experienced this to relate to. Perhaps their are emotions you don't care to dig too deep to stir up, but good writing often requires "stirring things up" a bit. I suggest you experience as you tell as opposed to telling as though you yourself were a spectator. This helps the reader to engage more in your story. I hope this review is not so terse that it seems flippant. I had actually written a rather extensive one with specific suggestions but alas, I am just learning how to use my "review tool" and somehow that review disappeared. If you would likemore clarification just let me know.


*Wink* Keep Reaching Down Into the Writing Well!!
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Review of Getting Out  
Review by D.L. Robinson
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hi Kayla:

What I like:
I think you have a good rough draft of a short story that with some refining could really shine.

I don't like editing for punctuation, grammar spelling, paragraphs, etc. But if something is glaring and interferes with my reading I will mention. Along those lines I suggest breaking this up into indented paragraphs to make it easier on the eyes and more inviting to read.

Other Comments or Suggestions:
It's clear that Ashley pretty much hates this guy. She didn't even want him to touch her. Therefore, in the beginning where you say she "...pushed back the hair that had fallen in his eyes..." this type of affection does not fit with what you describe throughout as her disdain for him.

You say:
"She made herself a cup of coffee and sat at the table. She leaned back and closed her eyes".

I suggest/u}
To eliminate starting two sentences back to back with "She" I would change this to...
"She made herself a cup of coffee and sat at the table, then leaned back and closed her eyes".
There were other places in the story where you could have made the flow smoother by combining sentences as well.

You say/u}
Eric says he beat her because "It's a sign of affection."

I suggest
I think this it's unrealistic that someone would seriously say that to a person they were abusing. More realistic dialogue might be along the lines of "I get so upset with you because I love you so much." (Use your own words of course)

You say/u}
"Finally, she went to their bedroom window and opened it. As she was climbing out, she heard a voice."

I suggest
"Finally" should be used after a long sequence of actions or after a long period of time passed. In this case neither is true, so I would drop that word.
I would write: "She went to the bedroom window and opened it. As she was climbing out she heard his voice."

You say/u}
"She screamed the whole way down. But then Eric caught a hold of her and pushed her down the stairs."

I suggest
If she made it "the whole way down" the staircase then Eric could not have "pushed her down the stairs."
I would try something like this: "She screamed as she ran till Eric caught her and pushed her down the staircase."


"W-Who...found me?"

I suggest
It's obvious that the police just found her. You might have Ashley ask, "How did you find me?" or "Who called you?" instead.

You say/u}
"He's going to prison."

I suggest
He might be going to jail, but he would not be going to prison for this.

You say/u}
"The police officer escorted her to the door, and they walked out as Ashley was met by the paramedics."

I suggest
Ashley has been pushed down stairs, exerted a lot of strength trying to defend herself from her abuser, and mentioned having pain from all this in her back and legs. It would be realistic if she stayed where she was and the paramedics came to her, which is what they usually do anyway.

I took time to give this a good lookover because I think it has a lot of potential. There were other places where corrections along the same lines could be made as well. Hope this is helpful.

Take whatever you can use and blow the rest away.

Keep Writing!
D.L. Robinson
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Review of Lady in the choir  
Review by D.L. Robinson
Rated: E | (4.0)
IHayes:


This is well-written in terms of grammar, spelling, punctuation and all with just a few errors. That coupled with the wonderfully inspiring message you have here, is why I rated this a four.

I would have given this a 5 had the writing been more colorful, as in more descriptions of the scenery, the woman, you (i.e. instead of telling me the woman was attractive, "paint" attractive for the reader.

One other minor suggestion -- The sentence where you say "She started praying for me" I would change to "Someone started praying for me" because I knew immediately it was Brenda when you said "she." So to keep the element of surprise I suggest changing this one small thing.

Thanks for sharing the inspiration that Brenda shared with you.

Keep Writing!
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Review of You are You  
Review by D.L. Robinson
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Sonofdrogo:

Laughing at ourselves is the best therapy.

Having had some terrifying experience with performance anxiety of my own, I know how devastating it can be.

I am always touched when an artist can take an often sad subject and bring light to it through humor. You have done this here in a most whimsical, clever and entertaining manner.

The Seus-ical rythm was very delightful and at times you broke meter with this style, especially in the verse that began "Fill it...",so that reading became choppy. That is my only complaint.
An enjoyable read otherwise. Thanks for the smile

Keep Writing You Two Yous!
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