Hey there! I can tell you have a heart for writing. Your blood is filled with words that stream along through your veins to every inch of you. I can also tell that those words need to get out, which they do, but instead of flowing out gently, they flood out, as if the dam that held back the words for years, finally burst open.
My message to you is this: sometimes less is more. I think your text could use some structure and some simplifications.
This doesn't mean you should scratch half of your writing (also, you can do whatever you want with my advise ;)), and if you don't want to simplify or scratch anything, adding some punctuation could go a long way.
I promise I will not focus too much on details, but in the first sentence, "In such a world of nemesis..." , I would scratch "such". It sounds like you are referring to some world previously described, which, as it is the very first sentence of your writing, is not the case. Scratching "such" makes the sentence so much stronger!
I find giving critique on poetry hard, if not impossible, for it is a form of art where it's creator is allowed, if not expected, to play with language and ignore grammatical rules.
What I can say, is that you clearly have a way with words, and I am curious to see more of your writing.
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