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Printed from http://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/jotokai
Review Requests: ON
40 Public Reviews Given
Review Style
I like a review that makes me edit, even if it bothers me or offends me. So I look at your piece with, "What would I change to make this better and why?" And I write down most of what I think... the limit being how much you paid, more than how much you can handle! And of course there's no guarantee that my advice won't make it worse. Well, except the long list of bestseller credits-- oh, I haven't published them yet. But feel free to request a refund if I really like your piece. It's happened, sometimes I'm in too good of a mood and I think your work is perfect. If it was, you'd be submitting it for a royalty advance... praise is nice but it's like Chinese food, you need more in an hour. Whereas critique sticks to your ribs...
I'm good at...
**Prose:** Lately my comments primarily look to fine-tuning elements of speechcraft: word choice, order, punctuation, and spelling, with sentence structure and dialogue tags. I'm in the USA, so my advice seems to gravitate toward that style. **Poetry:** My comments will tend toward an analysis of meaning and images. I'm pretty sure that I have an average grasp of poetry.
Favorite Genres
Science fiction, Fantasy.
Least Favorite Item Types
Nonsense poetry or heavily rhyming poetry. You may lose stars undeservedly.
I will not review...
Op-ed pieces with which I do not agree will be reviewed only on a case-by-case basis. Either way expect me to hit you with my own opinion, although I certainly CAN judge your performance separately from your opinion.
Public Reviews
1
1
Review by Joto-Kai
In affiliation with The Brainstormers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
You won't remember, but I reviewed this many months ago. It was at least as far back as 2012.

I was searching through my reviewing history for a particular poem I wanted to read. This wasn't the one — I had forgotten about this one. But I found it again and it did everything that it did the first time. I rarely find such good work, so decided to bring it a little exposure with a public review.

Maybe this will encourage someone to keep reading. I know it has me.
2
2
Review by Joto-Kai
In affiliation with Groovy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Funny. I just finished writing a blog post about hurting an ex-lover in a strange way, by thinking too highly of her. Taking everything she had without complaint as if nothing she did could ever be wrong - a terrible thing to say to someone you love. Something that I have heard and hated, only in a different form.

But in other ways, I am the same as the woman in your piece. I came, not really expecting to succeed. With the sense that, "This is doomed but it's okay. I still have to do it." Really, wasting her time. And mine, too, but not as bad as before, so I don't count myself as a victim of my own crime.

So I am going to try not to rate you too highly just for the synchronicity. I mean, how do they know to show me a piece that resonated so with my essay in a blog that didn't have any of this marked as it's subject? Spooky, I tell you.

On the other hand, great stuff. Moving. I guess that the ability to relate, to having similar stuff in my life is due to good writing. So I should give you credit, right? Because you could have written something nobody would relate to.

Anyhow, thank you for reading this litany of gibberish. Hope it made you smile somewhere along the way.
3
3
Review of Teanaway  
Review by Joto-Kai
In affiliation with The Brainstormers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
I want to say: Awesome.

I'm giving you five stars, but it should really be 4.9 because [of] the last word (I'll get to that later).

The metaphor is brilliant, scintillating and... just let me get my sunglasses, elsewise the rest of the world will seem dull after looking too long.

Or maybe it's just the way that you present it, but it really goes all the way, slowly dawning on me and yet really taking me and dragging me to where you want me to go.

Eh, forgive all the reallies. *Wink* This sort of review is meant to be informal, but that does spam a little. On to my point.

I generally don't like giving the name of the feeling in the poem or in the subject, or generally 'telling' what I feel. I guess that since you did such a good job of letting us think for ourselves in the beginning, you felt the need to end with an Author's note. I get that, But don't put it IN the poem! *Heart*

Even "inner core" is a little too obvious, and I think that you would be twice as good without any such heavy-handed hints. If you could end it as well as you began, it would be poet-laureate stuff. But anyhow, I'm going to fan it.

I think people should read this poem, as an example of something innocuous and awesome. So I am making this public despite the fact that I gush like a dingbat. Please don't think down on me for that!
4
4
Review of Red Vengeance  
Review by Joto-Kai
In affiliation with Fantasy and Science Fiction So...  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Dear Daniel J. Smith

You said that "The People of Glass was very well written, if memory serves. After reading your prose, the praise means even more. "Red Vengeance holds the reader's attention, paints the characters vividly and delivers a logical and compelling narrative. Although contrasting this author's style, it seems some of your technique might be worthy of emulating.

You make good use of the character's thoughts to illustrate motive, purpose and stakes. Your one-sentence flashback in regard to the POV's character is crystal clear, and conversationally smooth. (Though her behavior in the flashback is a trifle ... draconian, perhaps? *Wink* I guess that follows, though.) Personally I think it obviates the sentence before it. I would either cut that sentence or have Helena 'say' it in her thoughts, e.g. You were never known for your... were you?

The ending is dramatic, satisfying and unexpected, at once perfectly in line with the character, and momentarily disorienting. This is a fine and brief piece, more than worthy of a read.


Joto-Kai
*Paw*

5
5
Review of I AM NOT ME  
Review by Joto-Kai
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is an elegant soliloquy, where the character and experience of your mother is presented. Considered as a piece of fiction-the only manner in which I can understand how to comment- this work is certainly unusual. Absent are key narrative bits, of action and resolution. At least, they do not occur "on screen." Yet, there is palpable conflict and pathos, a keen revelation of her plight, real identification. I think you've made an excellent choice of how to delimit this piece.

Although this isn't standard narrative, not a standard story, I think that you have created a compelling piece of literature. Forgive me; I don't use that word, literature, in my reviews, but it's the most accurate that comes to mind. Thank you for sharing.
6
6
Review by Joto-Kai
Rated: E | (4.5)
My first thought is: Death, Dark, philosophy. I think that reveals this better than "Tragedy," since tragedy is something horrible that happens through choice, however inevitable those choices may seem- there seems no choice to make this better or worse.

This piece inspires a meditative tone by repeating gruesome imagery until it morphs into something more meaningful. (Admittedly, this change was helped by TV just now, a popular, explicit murder-investigation drama: BONES.) Sadly, poets can be at the mercy of what is in the reader's head, something I've learned from reviewing. It's especially noticeable when it helps the poet, I find.

Characters: Persona, unnamed dead people. I find the persona, telling us about these dead people intriguing. She stops short of telling what she really feels, really means... like perhaps she doesn't have the point yet, is only digging for something (with her mind, presumably.)

The dead people are hiding under the earth, or at least enjoying relative safety. Or is that a conceit of the persona? I think rather they are taunting our persona, with her (?) mortality and their greater safety.

I almost think that the audience, of readers, is in here too. This is confessional, almost a "report" like a scientist or archeologist would do, letting us in on what she has discovered.

You haven't a "Poetic structure", no rhyme or rhythm that is obvious, so skip that. Your use of repetition seems somewhat effective (and affective, I suppose.)

You've got a lot of abstraction here, and none of it stated- all of it "shown" in concrete details. Excellent. Not so much metaphor, that my intellect really has a grip on- but since it's all so explicit and concrete, that's likely a reader-failure.

So far this is excellent. I have a few comments- just editorial thoughts, stuff I would quibble with or tighten if it were my piece. I'll put them in colored script, Green.



Below the surface,

Lie dead men’s bones.



Rotting coffins

Hold the still remains

Of once strong men

Some who died in vain.
I would strike out the who, see if it has more punch as "some died in vain."


Buried deep

Below piles of earth

The corpses rest

Where no one can hurt.



Below the surface,

Lie dead men’s bones.



Bones belonging to the young and old.

Bones belonging to the rich and poor.

Bones bearing bullet holes.

Bones broken revealing the core.



The corpses lie

Their eyes shut tight;

Their bodies rigid

Like a block of ice.
I would cut this metaphor.


Below the surface

Lie dead men’s bones.



Numbered among the dead,

Their last words still unspoken.
I think you can cut the word "their" most of the time. It's not quite grammatical, but you'll find that it is immediately intelligible. To be more accurate, try "next" words still unspoken- by definition, the last ones get spoken before death. Or, cut the "un". And "final" might be stronger than "last." In fact, I'd almost recommend going with the inaccurate final- implying they had one more thing to say.

Their final resting place they’ve chosen.

To live or die was their choice.
Somebody chose their place, but did they? Did they choose to live, to die? If the persona believes that, you'll need to show why. Or make it more enigmatic... the choices made. Cut they and their, and simply imply that choice is the active power- not necessarily theirs, not necessarily ours.


Daily their numbers grow.

For everyone the end draws nearer.

The day we shall all see shall come.

After which , we each go, to his final dwelling place.



Below the surface Lie dead men’s bones;

Bones that may belong to us some day.


Cut the "may." Sure, there's a possibility we'll be vaporized, but it takes away from the tone of the piece.


Layered stuff, enjoyed all the more by going through it like this.. I see a few things I would do differently- if I didn't I'd never review and stop writing for good. What would be the point? All told, great work.
Write on!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
7
7
Review of Shadow of Memory  
Review by Joto-Kai
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Interesting, intriguing, dreamy and surreal.
*Ghost* *Ghost* *Ghost*

No overt errors, no grammatical or spelling nitpicks; no technical advice springs to mind.
High on entertainment value.

Non-traditional conflict, I'd say "Man V. Self." I have a lot of questions: did he kill her? Did somebody kill her? Is he insane, or just indulging in too much introspection? He could be a killer or investigator, or just somebody who saw her and imagined too much. I feel intrigued by the mystery, enough that I read this small piece multiple times. I also feel wistful, nostalgic, drawn to relive this— much as I imagine the protagonist (or should I say "persona?") of the piece is doing.

This piece has more of the effect of a good poem than a good story, which is not criticism but simple reportage.

Anyhow, instinctively I give it high ratings, and see no reason to downgrade.



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
8
8
Review by Joto-Kai
In affiliation with The Brainstormers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
I like the idea that your greatest friend is inside your mind.

Nevertheless, your use of words seems awkward. Instead of the word "conscious", which you use as a noun instead of an adjective (i.e. conscious mind, conscious person, not simply conscious), you should use "consciousness" or "conscience." Or possibly, "inner spirit" or "higher self." Or maybe, all of the above!

Also, I think that this piece is philosophy-psychology-self help,, rather than psychology-emotional-experience. (It can be hard thinking of which genre to put this in, and I can see why you did the ones you did, but people looking for a piece like this will look in Psychology, Self Help, and maybe Philosophy before the others.

Writing is rewriting, even for most of the geniuses. That said, your main idea is a worthy one and well worth the work to edit and polish this to crystal clarity. I wish you luck as you: Write on!

The Brainstormers Group  [E]
A group for those with depression or mental illness. Friends and family welcome too.
by Itchy Water~fictionandverse
9
9
Review by Joto-Kai
In affiliation with The Brainstormers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Disclaimer:
This is a creative stimulus review. The controlling purpose it to inspire revision and polishing. Nothing I say should be construed as to mean anything other than: Keep writing and revising. For more information, [#987609] "My Stars! What Does That Mean?

Form/design:Simple, to the point, with one rhyme per stanza - more than enough, and also a small enough amount.

Form/execution: You fulfill your simple design well, in such a natural, unstrained manner that this would be decent as a piece of prose. Kudos to you.

Concrete-abstract: You have a great deal of concrete, with actual observed things. I did not detect much in the way of symbolism, however. If it's there, it is well meshed in, which is good. (On second thought, there could well be symbolism in the pen or the wrist band, but since they are obvious literal things, that's left to the reader's imagination, which is good.) Example: The pen might represent your ability to express yourself. And the label on your wrist could represent the way that the institution labels people, adding on prefabricated identities that aren't part of the person. But that's just my thoughts, so, no management of that required on your part.

Metaphors & Imagery: This reads well as a literal account. I do like metaphor in my poetry, yet here, your eloquence belies the need for that.

What I liked: You end on a note that really brings home the reality of which you describe. This starts as an emotionally, somewhat serene, drab, or disconnected account- in the end, you make the reader aware of what it means to you by your final line. The final line is, in my opinion, an excellent time to figure out what the thing means, emotionally, so that it can come to you all at once.

What's not perfect yet: I hesitate to say that anything isn't perfect yet. This could be brilliant as is, far as I can tell (I don't feel I'm a professional-level appreciator yet!).

Overall: A cool, matter of fact account that then, once completed, takes on an impact in the last word of the last line. Excellent stuff.

Personal Note: I certainly hope that this review finds you in better spirits. The feeling of life passing us by is a common one, one that is never quite warranted - and always somewhat warranted. Even in the days when everything seems to go our way, there is always more we could do to embrace life.

It sounds as if you may be eligible to join our group. I'm sure we'd love to have you. The Brainstormers. Email Itchy Water for entry specifics.

The Brainstormers Group  (E)
A group for those with depression or mental illness. Friends and family welcome too.
#1854628 by Itchy Water~fictionandverse


"My Stars! What Does That Mean?
10
10
Review of Life  
Review by Joto-Kai
In affiliation with The Brainstormers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Well, I must say that I really enjoyed this. I don't often use or even like rhyme, but this really worked. It's not really sophisticated, but it has charm- at least, that's how it appears. Sometimes what seems casual comes from the most calculation, and the reader never knows which is which.

The part that really worked, was the double entendre (double meaning) of "sew up my seems." If you had written, "sew up my seams," that would have been simple, but by using "seems," aka appearances, you are talking about somebody tying everything up in a logical bow, so that it makes sense. At least, that's what it means to me, which really set this off with a layered depth which seems brilliant to me.

Nice work. Write on!
11
11
Review of Death  
Review by Joto-Kai
In affiliation with The Brainstormers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
A clear, meaningful meditation on death. I think, this one is more about the living than the dead. I would call this more a meditation than a poem, but that's just a point of view. You have done a thorough investigation, it seems, of various perspectives, and settled on one that you find empowering: that Death merely is parting, separating of things that will once again be joined in another form. Thus, the horror and overwhelm will not be necessary.

It reminds me of the baby who is upset when his mother leaves the room, not realizing or even hoping that she will return. So too our limbic system, the storied "inner child".

Much wisdom here.
12
12
Review of Awakening  
Review by Joto-Kai
In affiliation with The Central Bank  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello. This is Jotokai (James) with a review of your piece.

I found something worthwhile here and chose to review. All reviews emphasize improvement, and offer experimental suggestion. WARNING: Advice is offered "at your own risk," as no attempt has been made to ensure the safety or sanity of the reviewer or his ideas.


Further Note: I am operating on the hypothesis that this is fictional or fictionalized, if based on a true story.
Tone:I don't know anything about tone except when it's right. I think you've got perfect pitch.

Style:You've done rather well here. Your diction is seamless. You grab the attention, and drive me right into the heat of the conflict.

Setting: Forest, near a residence. It's wet, raining or it's been raining. That sort of messiness really fits with the theme.

Pace:At this size, the pace has to be fast.

Plot:Your protagonist faces a crisis of faith disguised as a domestic disturbance. Your antagonist seems to drive her straight into the hands of God.

Point of View It's interesting that this story works so well from the point of view of the guardian angels. I've before been warned against telling a story from the point of view of somebody who is not maximally invested, but this works, perhaps because they are so up close and have such an interest in her.

RX: Up to the "middle" of your story, everything clicks brilliantly. Then you allow your angels to give slightly more help than you need to, and then you slip into "telling" the after story. You seem to have gone for "Daniel in the lion's den" when I would have gone for "David and Goliath."

If it were my story, the heroine would be standing, cringing as she's praying. Then, the angels would lift her shoulders, and form her right hand into a fist. She would take it from there, decking him. While he's whining, "You hit me! I can't believe you hit me!" she grabs the phone and calls for help. This still gives her the credit, first for asking for help and then, for taking it and making it work.

For the after story, use dialogue: have somebody ask her how she did it, maybe a police officer, or (better) a battered woman at the shelter. Maybe she's even gone on and is a volunteer there? OR she's been making speeches about it? I don't know, but let HER tell all about the "little angels."

Overall: You wrote the perfect blurb, and grabbed attention from the start. You need to make the action and denouement rest a little more on the protagonist. Your story is a gem, evoking emotions expertly. With revision, you can work in more "showing not telling." If you can replace all the telling with showing, your story seems to me to be very publishable. (I would pay to read this sort of thing.)

So write on, talented one!
13
13
Review by Joto-Kai
In affiliation with The Central Bank  
Rated: E | (4.0)
This poem has flecks of real brilliance, although I feel it needs some real revision. Please, try to make a version based on my suggestions before you judge me to be soft in the head (which is what I know I have thought, when getting this kind of advice- especially when I was not right.) But take what you can of my advice with my compliments, and toss the rest. I'm okay if you think I'm a little nutty!

Thing's I loved:
that the wind can be disturbed, emotionally.
The l pattern of the poem, with each stanza seeming like a whole poem connected by cause and effect.
The imagery of the black raptor (Malice.)

Things I don't recommend: (Could just be my poetic style, but...)
use of the three abstract words: Evil Malice Purity. If you could rewrite this without "evil" you would multiply the impact. Without any of the three, I don't know- Genius? Maybe.
(You might name the "Malice"and "Purity" birds, write a footnote. Look up the writingML of footnotes, or just write it in at the bottom.)

Also, I think your suggestion that power is evil is a stretch. Virtues, like courage and honor and discipline, are power. Malice isn't; Malice drew on Courage for power. Purity's own evil, foolishness, betrayed him to Malice. Maybe you could cut the statement about Power and Malice as well, leaving them for the reader to decide?

So overall, you have the makings of a 5.0 and need to rebuild this, if you aspire to the greatness your talent suggests. Either way, write on!
14
14
Review by Joto-Kai
In affiliation with The Brainstormers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Disclaimer:
This is a creative stimulus review. The controlling purpose it to inspire revision and polishing. Nothing I say should be construed as to mean anything other than: Keep writing and revising. For more information, [#987609] "My Stars! What Does That Mean?

Form/design:

Form/execution:Your acrostic format is simple and effective, and you stuck with it all through. I would have done a regular right-justified format, so that the initials would line up; but that's just personal opinion.

Concrete-abstract:

Metaphors & Imagery: This acrostic is pretty straightforward, so nothing here.

What I liked: I liked the tension between your dark lines and the others that would (otherwise) make things seem rosy.

What's not perfect yet: Slight nitpick. Where you use "except" it seems more likely you intended to write "accept" meaning, take, allow, not reject.

Overall: That's certainly interesting! I'm a little ambivalent about it and it's meaning. Some of the lines are not dark, but inspiring, yet others make them seem dark. It makes it interesting, yet confusing. A nice piece of work. Write on!



 My Stars! What Does That Mean?  (E)
A guide to the rating system for the determined writer.
#987609 by Joto-Kai

15
15
Review of Art  
Review by Joto-Kai
In affiliation with The Brainstormers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Disclaimer:
This is a creative stimulus review. The controlling purpose it to inspire revision and polishing. Nothing I say should be construed as to mean anything other than: Keep writing and revising. For more information, [#987609] "My Stars! What Does That Mean?


I found this piece due to the blurb. Your description is intriguing and accurate. Well done!

Form/design: Simple aabb rhyme scheme. Looked like iambic pentameter at first, but you seem to have simply allowed any length to a line. This would be a lot more friendly with multiple stanzas, especially given your sometimes-long lines.

Form/execution: Not relevant.

Metaphors & Imagery:Very direct, not much in the way of metaphor or simile.

What I liked: Your sentiment comes out clear and sincere; it's actually persuasive. Again, I also thought you did well on your blurb.

What's not perfect yet: You could use some more metaphor and imagery, and your verse-form could use tightening. In light of the fact that your piece works as an advertisement for artistic expression- which seems to be your point- I'm inclined to grade this lightly. Then there's the issue of the appearance on the screen; a few well placed blank lines could make this so much more inviting!

Overall: You've done a great job of getting your point across. Write on!


 My Stars! What Does That Mean?  (E)
A guide to the rating system for the determined writer.
#987609 by Joto-Kai

16
16
Review of The Desk Clerk  
Review by Joto-Kai
In affiliation with The Brainstormers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Note that this is review is a free service. I found your work, enjoyed it, and am commenting in the manner that I prefer to get: strategic advice and general observations which ideally may inspire improvements. Take what you need and leave the rest, with my compliments.

This is nicely done. I observe that I had to check whether this was "experience" or not, because I suspected that this really happened. Your characters are well characterized, the places described enough to cause me to visualize them well enough. The people and places created a sense of location. I wasn't sure what country you (the persona and story) were in - didn't read closely enough, I guess - but I could feel it anyhow.

Grammatical edits: small errors were all I detected.

knowing their were paid very little should become knowing they were paid very little

"No" he said should be "No," he said

Technical: The only thing I can see is there doesn't seem to be a strong "scene and sequel" structure. That's where, the "camera" tunes into the main character, who struggles with a problem. At the end of the scene, things get worse. Afterward, in the "sequel" the character thinks about and reacts to the scene.

Very little tension in your conflict. It is somewhat touching, but I'm sure that could be intensified. No sense of how to do that, or if it's just a weakness in me as a reader-- reaching the dumbest, most insensitive reader is a worthy goal, and I'm sure I'm neither. *Wink* I might suggest Jerry Cleaver's tool of "How, why, what," going over a piece and questioning every detail. For example, why does this character think that a person with no family should be befriended? What does he mean by "befriended" anyhow? That way you might uncover other details that would intensify the experience. ("Immediate Fiction" by Jerry Cleaver.)

In conclusion: I found this touching, well thought out piece deserving of my time. Write on!



17
17
Review of Dystope  
Review by Joto-Kai
In affiliation with The Brainstormers Group  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
This has to be some of the most compelling verse I've read in some time. Verse is mind-meltingly hard, and occasionally this good. Kudos to you.

This is haunting, mysterious and worrying. I understand just enough to feel worried for you, the persona at the least. I want to tell this person, please, cross the bridge and gaze into the abyss (if look you must!) from a more secure footing.

I'm curious about the word "entrials." Wearing the fan's hat, it brings to mind "entrails", but also the word "trials." With the editor's hat I wonder if you mean this, or just entrails. Just a thought you might find interesting, somehow.

Either way, you seem to get the idea that poetry should provoke feelings in the reader, rather than simply express them. You have definitely done that.

I have some work you might find interesting: poetry, even a piece of verse (Dawning.)

 Dawning  (E)
Sudden, without warning, the crisis abducts us... Rhyming tetrameter.
#710106 by Joto-Kai

"Darkness Captures

I wish you the best, using your obvious talent to the hilt; write on!
18
18
Review by Joto-Kai
In affiliation with The Central Bank  
Rated: E | (4.0)
This definitely contains food for thought. My leanings are more Jungian than Skinner or Freud. I would, therefore, prefer to go the other direction - elevating the Barbie play rather than denigrating the religious. This, however, leaves your analogy valid; it seems like the two behaviors must draw from the same pool of instinct.

I suspect that there should be - at least sometimes - deeper levels of purpose to be found in the adult form. A child's scribbling evolved into Ovid's "Metamorphoses" or DaVinci's paintings. Other times, it just became more complex doodling. Similarly, one person might actually be communing with the deeper forces of his psyche, while another is playing with adult toys.

A great deal of respect goes to you for uncovering this line of thought. So although I do not agree with all you are suggesting, I respect your creative insight and analysis.
19
19
Review of Memories  
Review by Joto-Kai
Rated: E | (4.5)
Here you stay with your crystal clear, literal style. Yet here, you make it work for you. In the end, your message is one we all need to say, and you say it better than I can.

Now understand, I can say a lot, and when I put my mind to it, I can say it well. But I don't think that this will ever be said better, than in your final stanza. Those lines went right to the heart, and gave me chills.

That said, the only thing that keeps this from a solid 5 is the proofreading errors; fix them, and I will adjust it to a 5. If judged solely on eloquence, impact, and poetry, I would give it a five already.

20
20
Review of Why try?  
Review by Joto-Kai
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hello, Robyn.

You have a solid bit of work here, which logically expresses how your persona feels (you, or the speaker in your poem if it's not the same). All through, you walk us through the thought process, which is good as is. Thing is, there's more explaining than need be. (One of two problems we poets have, the other one being: No explaining.) Through most of the poem, you tell us what you feel, quite effectively- but you don't show us.

However, in the very last line, you hit on a much higher level of work. Although
"trampling the heart" is cliche- overused- it nicely supports the rest: "killed sunshine, and closed every door" is brilliant, especially put together like this. Your three point line shows me the betrayer didn't just hurt you and make things dark, forever; they also locked you in your room. Such a thorough attack!

So I recommend you try starting another poem, just based on these. Don't bother trying to make us understand, just try painting pictures that make us feel something. Now, it's possible to go too far in this, but I've read a few of your poems, and I think that, if you TRY going too far, you will hit the bulls-eye. Say the weirdest things that come to mind, put them together any way you want, if it feels right. Then sit on it awhile, and give it the two tests I know for poetry: A) Did I write what I think I wrote? b) Do I feel something when I read it?

If it passes both tests as far as you can tell, then post it! And best of luck. I detect your talent is sneaking out, just need to keep at it. In other words? Write on!

21
21
Review by Joto-Kai
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*Balloon*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews*Balloon*



Understand that this review only reflects my thoughts on this story, as a work of art, and how it can be expanded or improved.
Usually I review works that I like; and the largest thing that I suggest is "More." That is the case here.

This is a great story, the only thing it needs is formatting and more narrative to bring things out. For example, you have the paragraph beginning with "Annie! Annie!" When the paramedic begins to talk, that should be a new paragraph, according to standard dialogue format. You could give the explanation, if you remember, in dialogue or narrative about how you found out what happened. You could also consider telling stories about your brother Jerry that help us understand the man he became: things you loved about him and things that frustrated him or you.

Either way, you've done a good job already with your story. Be well, and write on.

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