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Spotting technical errors and awkward sentences. I also focus quite a bit on plot and scene flow.
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126
126
Review of The Red Letter  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hiya, Jake Heraty !

*Candleb*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews*Candlev*


My Personal Impression

This was an interesting first half of this story. After reading this far, I have to admit that I am curious to know what it said. *Wink*


Strengths

You used an intense tone to create suspense around the boy as he made his trip to the principals office. It came across clearly that he was the type of child to get into trouble often, so it intrigued me that everyone was so confused about the reason for him to be called there for a letter. The fact that he didn't open the letter before he got home showed that while he might have gotten in trouble at school on a regular basis, he was a pretty good kid. My twelve-year-old is a good kid, but I think even he would have opened it before he got it home to me! *Laugh*

The progression of the story was quite smooth, but since there is no ending, I can only comment on the build up. You ending was a great hook to make the reader want to know more. It left off at the height of the tension because the reader knows that his mom now knows what it's about, but both the boy and the reader are left clueless. I think it was even worse because she didn't show anything through the tone of her voice or facial expression.


General Suggestions

I would have liked to see a bit more as the story moved along. The sense of anticipation and suspense comes through well, but I found the descriptions a bit lacking in detail. Placing in a bit of detail about what the office looked like while he was waiting would help to show the progression of time without having to do the 'and then this happened, and then that happened' kind of thing. Here is a link that helped me to understand the concept of 'showing vs. telling'. Give it a read and see what you think. *Wink*

http://users.wirefire.com/tritt/tip1.html


Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling, etc.

*Bullet*“Zach, your attendance is need at the office.” Said Mr. Houston straight faced.
I think 'need' was meant to be 'needed'. Also, when a dialog tag such as 's/he said' follows dialog, it would be appropriate to use a comma and have the word 'said' in lower case. For example: "Zach, your attendance is needed at the office," said Mr. Houston...

*Bullet*Mr. Houston looked down at his pencil before the response.
Consider 'before responding' to give it a more natural flow.

*Bullet*He was thinking of an answer even my twelve year old mind could wrap that around.
I stumbled on this sentence a bit. Consider rewording for a smoother flow. Consider this: Even at twelve years old I could tell he was trying to think up an answer.

*Bullet*He was now staring at me smiling at me apologetically,
“I do not know Mr. Williams.”
This sentence is a bit passive due to the use of was. Consider flipping it around with an active verb to give the reader the ability to 'see' it. For example: He stared at me, smiling apologetically. "I do not know, Mr. Williams." I also added a comma before 'Mr. Williams' because any time a direct address is used, the name should be preceded by a comma.

*Bullet*I unfortunately hit the office quicker than I needed.
I wonder if 'intended' would suit this sentence better than 'needed'. See what you think.

*Bullet*He looked up at me and gave a fake smile,
“ How can I help you, son?”
When an action precedes or follows dialog, a period should separate them rather than a comma.

*Bullet*I believe the use of the word 'principle' is a little off here. I think the spelling you are looking for is 'principal' when indicating the principal of a school.

*Bullet*In Mr. Shaltin’s hand was a white envelope with in bold lettering:
The flow of this sentence is a bit off. Consider: In Mr. Shaltin's hand was a white envelope, and on the front in bold lettering, it read:

*Bullet*Mr. Shaltin put the letter on his desk and slid it across the desk to me.
Using the word 'desk' twice in this sentence is a bit repetitive. I don't think it's necessary to say he slid it across the desk since the reader will already know it was across the desk from the previous use of the word. Consider: Mr. Shaltin put the letter on his desk and slid it toward me.

*Bullet*The bell rang I ran out first through the gates...
Consider adding an 'and' before 'I ran out first'.

*Bullet* I was about to open it but my better judgment I stopped.
Consider 'but my better judgement stopped me'.

*Bullet*“Do you what it’s about exactly?”
I think there is a missing word here. Consider adding 'know' after 'you'.

*Bullet*She took it in her hands and took the scissors that she was using for clipping coupons and flipped the letter over. She then took the scissors and slid them open and sliced the back of the envelope open.
This seems like a lot of words to do a simple task. Consider trimming it down a little for a smoother flow. For example:

She picked it up and used the scissors to slice the back of the envelope open.


*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

This was a good start to a mysterious story. I am on my way to read the second part now so that I can put this one mystery to rest for the night. *Smile* I think a bit of editing and additional descriptive details would really make this piece shine. I look forward to reading more of your work. Happy WdC Anniversary! *Bigsmile*

Thank you for posting your work and allowing me to comment on it. If you do not agree with my suggestions, that is just fine. They are definitely yours to do with what you wish. *Wink*

Happy Writing!

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127
127
Review of Red Phone  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hiya, LuisPadilla !


I have stopped by your port today because I saw your review request posted in "Newbie Help & Support Writer's Hideaway. I hope you find my comments helpful and encouraging. *Bigsmile*


My Personal Impression

I enjoyed reading this. I found it a whole new take on 'selling your soul'. The gradual increase of suspense worked well to keep me hooked and make me need to know what the end result would be. I also liked how you used the T.V. to show the character his past scene by scene.It enhanced the pacing well.

Strengths

The tone you used in this was intense and abrupt, letting the author know right from the beginning that a happily-ever-after was not in the cards for Dan. It worked well to trap me in the beginning by making me wonder what the man wanted. Dan's confusion only heightened the need for me to keep reading. If he didn't even know, then I figured it had to be something really big.

You did a good job of laying clues throughout the progression of the piece. Each scene served a purpose in the setting of the plot line, and as I look back over it, the progression was steady and smooth. It's one of those stories where the hints become clear as soon as the mystery is solved, yet the hints were abstract enough that I didn't put it all together too soon. Good work.

I feel that I got to know Dan's character quite well. His reactions to the man in the T.V were realistic. He felt terror, confusion, suspense, and even resignation a few times as he realizes that no matter how much he would love to go back to bed and forget everything, he had no choice but to see the situation through. His physical reactions seemed realistic too, but I wonder if perhaps moving around a bit more would heighten the increasing tension by showing his discomfort. He stays in the bed for the most part, but I think if it was me, I would have been jumping off to try and turn the T.V off manually, or maybe even cover it with a blanket. Not very reasonable, no, but I don't know that the reaction would be reasonable, especially considering that the man does things that aren't 'humanly' possible. For a regular guy, I think that would be very disturbing. Something for you to ponder on. *Wink*

I have to say, I loved the ending. You did a great job at delivering the final blow in a way that gave me that 'aha' moment. The last sentence left me knowing exactly what would happen next. Well done.


My Favorite Parts

As the teen returned on the screen, I realized the awful truth. Tonight my TV would not be fighting the terror of the dark. No, tonight it would be supplying it.

This was a great mood setter. It took the atmosphere from confused to eerie by providing a smooth transition for the reader. It also hinted at the fact that he suffered from mistakes he made in his past. Very effective.

The man returned on the screen only this time his hair was disheveled, his grin seemed more forced than usual, and his eyes were showing hints of redness.

This section worked very well to show the gradual changes in the man himself as the story progressed. He began completely composed, but as the story moved along, he became more and more unstable, showing the reader who or what he may be. Well done.


General Suggestions

My main suggestion for you is to do a slow reading of this out loud to yourself. Many of the errors I found below would be noticed if your eyes slowed down a bit when reading through. The thing is that as writers, we read our own work so many times while we edit that we often miss small errors because we are scanning more than reading. Believe me, I do it all the time! One other suggestion I have for you is to reduce the passive voice in this piece. Even though much of it is based on past events, the use of words such as 'was, were, had, could' etc. don't need to be used in order to set the tense, and they can often be replaced with active verbs which bring the scene to life for the reader. Here is a link to an article which explains it a bit better than I could if you are interested:

http://users.wirefire.com/tritt/tip1.html


Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling, etc.

Like I said above, many of these points are simple typos, so don't be discouraged by the list. *Wink*

*Bullet*...as I saw no base in which it connected too.
I believe the word 'too' should be 'to'.

*Bullet*I listened intently expecting to hear a response.
Consider a comma after 'intently' to smooth the flow of the sentence.

*Bullet* So I brought my eyes back to The TV.
The words 'brought my eyes back' are a bit passive. Since you are trying to build the suspense, I would suggest a more active verb than 'brought'. Perhaps something like: My eyes darted back to the TV.

*Bullet*...a reality based film per say.
The words 'per say' should be 'per se'. However, consider using 'if you will'. It seems to fit the sentence a bit better from my perspective.

*Bullet*My eyes were wide in terror.
Because this sentence is meant to instill suspense in the reader, consider reducing the passive 'were wide'. Consider: My eyes widened in terror. It is a bit more active, allowing the reader to 'see' it happen.

*Bullet*His hands were now stretched out. Both of his pointer fingers were pointing at the camera. Pointing at me!
You're going to get sick of me and passive voice, but these two sentences could give a much bigger impact if they were less passive. Consider: His hands stretched out and he pointed at the camera. At me.

*Bullet*“This is no dream Dan,”
When using a name as a direct address, a comma should precede the name.

*Bullet*“Oh you know me, and if you don’t. You will.”
Consider a comma in place of the period so the momentum of the sentence isn't interrupted.

*Bullet*“Oh your comedy won’t get you far,...
Consider a comma after 'Oh' to show that it is an expression.

*Bullet*Besides I’m not the star of this film, you are.”
Consider a comma after 'Besides' to show that it is a transitory word.

*Bullet* I would have shaved Ten minutes...
The word 'ten' doesn't need to be capitalized.

*Bullet* I would most likely come Into contact with other kids.
The capitalization of 'Into' isn't necessary.

*Bullet*And who can blame them?
Consider using 'could' instead of 'can' in order to maintain the past tense.

*Bullet*My white rebook sneakers where littered...
I think the word 'where' should be 'were'.

*Bullet*“Wow what a rush huh?
Consider some punctuation to make this more dramatic. For example: Wow, what a rush, huh?

*Bullet*“Oh come on Dan, your killing me here…
The word 'your' should be 'you're' which stands for 'you are'.

*Bullet*“Oh, it’s fun one Dan.
Consider adding 'a' before 'fun'.

*Bullet*As he placed his hands behind his head and plopped his feet onto his desk; the red phone floated by his right ear.
This semicolon should be a comma because the first part of the sentence is dependent.

*Bullet*I watched as my drunken walked into my room.
I'm not sure I understand this sentence. Do you mean he was drunk when he walked into the room? Perhaps you mean, 'my drunken self'?

*Bullet*“Your right, this all does seem a bit contrived.
The word 'your' should be 'you're'.


*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

All in all, I enjoyed reading this story. You have a very good handle on story elements and character development, as well as intriguing and holding on to the reader. I believe that some careful editing and a bit more 'showing' would take this from good to great with little effort. If you decide to edit or revise, feel free to let me know. I would be more than happy to come back and re-rate it accordingly. *Bigsmile*

Thank you for posting your work and allowing me to comment on it. If you do not agree with my suggestions, that is just fine. They are definitely yours to do with what you wish. *Wink*

Happy Writing!
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128
128
Review of The Presentation  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hiya, 🌕 HuntersMoon !

I came across this piece on the "Invalid Item page, and I thought it would be a perfect piece to review for one of my M2M reviews this month. *Smile*



My Personal Impression:

What an invigorating read! Truly, I was held tight as I read through this piece. The action flowed very well, and her heightened sense of panic worked wonders to keep me glued to the screen. A very enjoyable read.


Strengths

The introductory paragraph started this off with a calm tone, easing the reader into the story with effective imagery. It didn't take long to pick up speed once she realized that the sun was higher than it should have been. The tone became frantic and anticipatory as the reader becomes aware of the importance of the meeting. It worked very well to get the reader involved on a personal level and cause the reader 'feel' what she feels as she comes up against obstacle after obstacle.

I loved the offhand mention of her phone buzzing. It fit in with the details of how she was struggling to get ready on time perfectly without alerting me in anyway that it may become important at a later time. The tension intensifies as the story progresses through her running into her superintendent, her papers scattering, the car not starting, and so on. Each new problem causes the reader to groan as the suspense of her morning continues to build. It was very effective. *Thumbsup*

Meredith's character development was really top-notch. Her internal thoughts allowed for the reader to understand her on a personal level and feel her stress. I love that you used this tool to create a connection between her and the reader. It makes the whole situation that much more realistic, and it also creates more sympathy from the reader. Nicely done. I found her reactions believable as she keep running up against more issues. Another thing about her character that really touched me was her determination. Even though she was stressed and crying, she picked up her chin each time and pushed onward, even congratulating herself when something worked out.

The ending was simply priceless. I laughed out loud along with her as I realized what had happened. God wasn't really against her in the end, but rather trying to slow her down. Too funny! *Laugh*


My Favorite Parts

Speaking of which, she thought, adjusting her position as she bounced over a rough patch of road, I guess I forgot about cobblestone wedgies.

This sentence was a perfect way to lighten the mood a bit, giving the reader a break from the building suspense. Well done.

She took a deep breath and outlined a new plan of attack, reminding herself, "You're organized, you're together, and you're ready!"

This sentence was a great way to show her personality. The way she pulled herself together so quickly showed her determination well and allowed the reader to see she wasn't about to be bested.

Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling, etc.

I have a few suggestions, most of which are minor polishing notes and were found on my second read.

*Bullet*Ms. Johnson is one of our rising stars and I've asked her here today to update you...
Since this is a compound sentence with two independent clauses, I believe there should be a comma before the conjunction 'and'.

*Bullet*She walked to the windows and began adjusting the blinds but she couldn't seem to get the room dark enough.
When the conjunction 'but' is used in a compound sentence, it should be preceded by a comma. I did notice a couple of spots like this throughout the piece.

*Bullet*She shot out the opening doors, she collided with Mr. Skinner, the building superintendant, sending him backwards and popping open her computer bag.
I stumbled on this sentence a bit. Consider fusing the first two parts of this sentence into one to smooth the flow. For example: She shot out the opening doors and collided with Mr. Skinner...

*Bullet*Meredith flet tears stinging her eyes.
Just a typo on the word 'felt'. One quick suggestion here. The word 'felt' is a telling word. You may consider making it a bit more active: Tears stung Meredith's eyes. See what you think.*Smile*

*Bullet*"Oh thank you, Mr. Skinner,"
Consider a comma after 'Oh' because it signifies an emotional reaction. Using a comma slows it down and shows the reader that the emotion is heightened.

*Bullet*She loved the feel of the morning air rushing by and it felt good to be doing something besides just sitting.
Consider a comma before 'and' because this is a compound sentence.

*Bullet*I've got ten minutes to get cleaned up and to the boardroom, she thought,...
The thoughts in this piece are shown clearly through the use of italics, all except for this one. You may want to add italics to keep it consistent.

*Bullet* "Yes Mr. Jenkins.
Just need a comma before the direct address.


*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

I thoroughly enjoyed reading this, Ken. It was well written, compelling, and a whole lot of fun. I was impressed by the character development as well. I felt that I really got to know Meredith, and in a short story, that is not an easy thing to accomplish. Well done. Good luck with the contest. I am sure you will do well! *Wink*

Thank you for posting your work and allowing me to comment on it. If you do not agree with my suggestions, that is just fine. They are definitely yours to do with what you wish. *Wink*

Happy Writing!

~Joy

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129
129
Review of The 4th Pillar  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hiya, Mimi !

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I found this piece posted on "Invalid Item. Thank you for posting for us to read and review!*Smile*


My Personal Impression

I really enjoyed reading this! The flow of the piece was smooth, and I found myself trapped within the story right away. I love how this piece ended with a bit of hook, leaving the reader wondering who the heck Patia Trace is and what she has to do with anything. Nicely done. If this was a book in my hand, I would have turned the page to find out.


Strengths

I loved the tone used in this piece. I could sense the protagonist's personality well through the narrative, and her attitude came through in her dialogue and actions, allowing me to get a good idea of what kind of woman she was in a relatively short time. And, I have to admit, I just love a strong woman with attitude as a main character. *Wink*

The plot line was established well. The conflict between brother and sister was introduced in a natural way through their interaction with one another, and I think it was great that it was brought into the story so soon. It will act as a great sub-plot as they work to find their sister. The disappearance of the sister gave me the feeling that there is a whole lot more to the story which is great. It made me want to know more, and that will keep the reader turning the pages. Nicely done.

While the protagonist doesn't have a name yet, it didn't bother me because it was from her perspective. Her personality came through well, and I liked the conflicting attitude that her brother demonstrated. His came off more as arrogant, while hers was more grounded, granting the sense that she was sure of herself, but not to the point of being conceited.

The detail was just enough to allow the story to flow without hampering the action. Again, nicely done.


General Suggestions

This isn't really a suggestion, just something for you to keep your eye on as you progress with this. Editors and publishers tend to dislike adverbs ending with -ly when they appear too often in a piece. From my experience, I have been told that anything more than one every three hundred words is too much. The reason for this is that adverbs tend to 'tell' the reader something rather than 'showing' them through description or reaction. There were a couple places were two were used in the same sentence. In those cases, I would recommend that you eliminate one to decrease the effect of telling. This, of course, depends on your desire to be published as well. *Wink*


Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling, etc.

*Bullet*the vigilant nerds in the tech department were unaware of the breech.
The word 'breech' should be 'breach'. Breech means the back end of something, whereas breach means to break through.

*Bullet*“Don’t touch me, you make me sick”, she hissed at him,
The comma after the quotation mark should be before the quotation mark.

*Bullet*her tall shapely figure swathed in satin,
Consider a comma between 'tall' and 'shapely' to show that they are equal adjectives.

*Bullet*“She looks like you”, he commented softly.
Same thing here as above. The comma should be placed before the quotation mark.

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

A very strong start on what promises to be a great read. The plot line has massive potential, and it is evident that you have the writing ability to pull it off with style. I look forward to reading the next installment. *Smile*

Thank you for posting your work and allowing me to comment on it. If you do not agree with my suggestions, that is just fine. They are definitely yours to do with what you wish. *Wink*

Happy Writing!
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130
130
Review of Amsterdam  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hiya, druid !

*Candleb*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews*Candlev*


My Personal Impression

This was an interesting read. I found the monotonous progression from the airport to the hotel almost hypnotic as I experienced Ru's thoughts and emotions on meeting Myra.

Strengths

The tone used in this was soft and gentle, allowing the reader to follow the progression of events in a semi-hypnotic state. Ru's thoughts and emotions come through well, showing the reader how happy and worried he was all at the same time. His actions spoke of a man so far in love that nothing could possibly upset him, and yet there were a few times of heart pounding fear because he knew it was possible that Myra might not even want to see him. I found myself involved with his plight right away, reading on eagerly to see what would happen.

The plot unfolded well as the reader followed him through the airport and on to the hotel. His predicament was revealed in increments, and I think it worked well to show the reader how he felt about the woman, as well as to provide some background exposition to show how long they had known each other.

The ending left me wishing I could turn the page to see what happened. Leaving it on a cliffhanger after working toward that moment for the entirety was frustrating for me, but a great move to hook the reader into continuing on. Well done.


General Suggestions

Consider using italics for internal thought, rather than quotation marks. It allows the reader to see that the thoughts are not open dialog before they even reach them. Something for you to consider.


Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling, etc.

*Bullet* "Everyone looks so tired", he notes with a smirk and picks up his pace,...
The comma after the quotation mark should be before the quotation mark.

*Bullet* "bedankt"
This word should be capitalized. It's funny, but I actually knew what this meant. I didn't realize I retained any of the Dutch I learned as a child.*Wink*

*Bullet*...still with his suit bag strapped to it's front, glides by...
The word 'it's' should be 'its'. It's stands for 'it is', which doesn't fit in this sentence.

*Bullet*He reaches out to catch it but narrowly misses it, and chases after it,...
The word 'it' really stood out to me as I read this because it is repeated so many times. Consider this: He reaches out to catch it but narrowly misses and chases after it...

*Bullet* He smiles wryly amused at himself and heads off across the airport floor looking for a coffee stand.
Consider a comma after 'wryly' to slow the flow of the sentence a bit.

*Bullet*allowing the memories of his time spent online with her to relax him, and sooth away the nerves.
The comma before 'and' isn't needed because the last part of the sentence can't stand alone. Also, I think 'sooth' should be 'soothe'.

*Bullet*An announcing his name, the tall, blonde,...
I wonder if this was meant to be 'On announcing'.

*Bullet*There are several sentences that use '-ing' ending words over and over. Consider shortening the sentences a bit so that it is not necessary to use so many together. It tends to get repetitive after a while, and I think it causes the impact to lessen dramatically.

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

All in all, this was a great start. It pulled me in easily, and I would love to see what happens with these two. *Bigsmile* Keep up the good work!

Thank you for posting your work and allowing me to comment on it. If you do not agree with my suggestions, that is just fine. They are definitely yours to do with what you wish. *Wink*

Happy Writing!

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131
131
Review of Vignettes  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hiya, mdw !

*Candleb*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews*Candlev*


Well, I normally use a template with different section headings, but since this is a series of vignettes, I thought I would comment on each one individually instead. *Smile*

Before It Explodes

The tone in this one was intense right from the beginning. It could have been leading up to just about anything, and the way you took it worked very well. You used some great imagery to convey the sensations of the time before the explosion, creating a love that was intense and irrational.

I have a couple small suggestions:

*Bullet*and your hands shake as if the Earths Teutonic plates...
I think 'Earths' should have an apostrophe to show possession.

*Bullet*...then her touch scalds my skin, as her laugh rattles my vertebrate like a rattle snakes tail.
Same thing here. I think 'snakes' should be 'snake's'.


Frozen Ground

Ah, this one worked well to produce the effect of what it would feel like to lose the one you love. I am enjoying the deepness of the emotion in these vignettes. This one touched more on what the after effects would be by showing the reader how it felt to lose a relative, then questioning what it would be like to lose your other half. Thought provoking for sure.

The only thing I noticed in this section were some sentences that could shortened to create more impact.

*Bullet*The one aspect that seeds through my mind is the look of that dead man’s hands, they looked as if they were already decomposed, with flat veins and a pure dark color of despair.
This sentence could be very intense if shortened up a bit, I think. Consider: The one aspect that seeds my mind is the sight of that dead man's hands--decomposed with flat veins and darkened by despair. See what you think.*Wink*

It Didn't Belong

The theme in this one is something that I think many readers would relate to, though the ending did seem a touch dark. In order to get what you want, you have to be willing to work hard. The dark aspect comes in with knowing when to give up. The imagery of the night sky as it darkened enhanced the message well.

You may consider going through this part and reading it out loud. I found a few sentences where additional punctuation would help to slow the reader in order to create more impact.

Why?

I know that I have often felt this way, and I know many people who have also. It is natural to question the world, to wonder why life has to be so hard sometimes. Loneliness is one of the worst feelings as it leads to a deep, hard depression if left unchecked. You expressed well the difference between the joy of having everything and the sorrow of just wishing for it.

I have one quick suggestion:

*Bullet*But Mostly having children someday to watch and help grow, and a great wife to last as long as I. To watch with her many moons pass, along with the sunrises...
The word 'Mostly' doesn't need to be capitalized, but also, I think perhaps a slight rewording would give it a smoother flow. Consider: But mostly for the hope of having children...

Fallen Apart

Ah, this one is full of tragic emotion as he is forced to move on without his love. The fact that his daughter reminds him of his deceased wife pulls at the heart strings because he has that constant reminder of what was lost.

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

These vignettes all seemed to center around the same kind of emotion: loss. In each one, the emotion is just a bit different, allowing the reader to experience each stage of regret and sadness. Well done. I enjoyed reading this, and I hope to read more of your work soon. *Smile*

Thank you for posting your work and allowing me to comment on it. If you do not agree with my suggestions, that is just fine. They are definitely yours to do with what you wish. *Wink*

Happy Writing!

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132
132
Review of The Letter Family  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hiya, wdzamka !

*Candleb*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews*Candlev*


My Personal Impression

What a cute piece to be used in a children's book! I stopped in because I have been having trouble teaching my son the alphabet, so when I saw this, I figured it was the perfect thing for me.*Bigsmile*

Strengths

The first thing I noticed about this was the comfortable rhythm. It was written in a way that would be easy enough for a parent to read often, and the auditory sound of the rhyming scheme works very well to trap the interest of younger children.

Since I have two sons under five years of age, I sat them down and read this to them. As soon as I was done they wanted me to read it again. That tells me something! I can hardly even get them to sit through reading a book with pictures let alone something they can't even look at.

Adding some fun pictures to this would certainly make it interesting for kids, and a whole lot easier for parents than drilling the alphabet day after day.

My Favorite Part

Excuse me Uncle B and Cousin C, I say
I come first I'm the letter A

As I read through this, I could just see a little girl with her hand on her hips saying, "I come first. I'm the letter A!" What a cute image!

Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling, etc.

*Bullet*Excuse me Uncle B and Cousin C, I Say
I don't think the word 'Say' needs to be capitalized.

*Bullet*Oh look here comes D, E, F, G
There are three lines like this throughout the poem. I think adding an 'and' before the last letter would lend a smoother flow. Try it and see what you think.

*Bullet*Your before U & V
I think 'Your' should be 'You're' since 'You are' could be substituted for it.

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

All in all, a great educational tool for young children. I think adding some images to this would be the perfect way to finish it off. *Bigsmile*

Thank you for posting your work and allowing me to comment on it. If you do not agree with my suggestions, that is just fine. They are definitely yours to do with what you wish. *Wink*

Happy Writing!

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133
133
Review of Dreamtime  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hiya, BrokenHHeart20 !

*Candleb*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews*Candlev*


My Personal Impression

I really enjoyed reading this piece! I have found very few people in the world that have shown the astral plains in the way you have here. The explanations were very well done and coincide almost perfectly to what I have learned about them over the years. Great job on that! I have to admit, when I got to the end, I was a little sad it was over. I am assuming this is a piece of a longer story, am I right? I sure hope so. The ending left off with a great hook, and I would love to read more. *Smile*

Strengths

The beginning paragraph did its job well and pulled me into the story. It introduced the scene well with a touch of suspense and a bewildered tone. Instantly, I knew the character was confused about where she was and why, and it made me need to read on to find out. Nicely done.

The characters came through very well. The main character, Michelle, came across as strong, but her limited knowledge on the subject of plaining was enough to give her an edge of vulnerability. I liked that. It shows complexity of character, which translates into a realistic character. Her boyfriend, Hideki, began to comfort her right away which showed me how he felt about her, and his excellent explanation of the dreamtime gave me the impression that he had worked with the plains before.

I wasn't so sure about Shao Len's personality. She presented herself well, but there was a sense of mystery around her. I wonder how she knew so much about Michelle and her past experiences. It worked well to intrigue me.

The dialog flowed well, and I had no trouble determining each character's voice. Each one of them spoke just a little bit differently to show their individual personalities, reducing the need for excessive dialog tags. Well done.

The scene moved along well from beginning to end. There was no sense of lagging even during the explanations. You kept the scene moving as she learned about the astral plains and began her lesson under Shao Len's direction. The ending was wonderful. It left me wondering who the heck was coming and why, and if I'd have been holding the book, I would have surely turned the page to find out why.

Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling, etc.

*Bullet* I was clad only in the underwear I was wearing when I went to bed.
The double use of 'was' in this sentence made it feel quite passive. Consider substituting 'wore' for 'was wearing'. I think it would give it a bit of a more active feel to it.

*Bullet*He shrugged. “Beats me.“ he answered. “The last thing I remember is falling asleep beside you. And then ending up here.” he glanced at the swirling fog, still rubbing his own arms.
A couple of things here. First, I don't think 'he answered' is needed because we already know he is the speaker due to him shrugging. Also, when an action follows or precedes dialog, it should be its own sentence, so 'he glanced' should be capitalized.

*Bullet*“You’re in the dreamtime.” a female voice spoke faintly in the distance.
When the sentence following dialog is a tag such as this that explains how they spoke, a comma at the end of the dialog before the quotation mark would be appropriate. Here is a link that shows punctuation for dialog, just in case you are interested. Dialogue Punctuation  

*Bullet*You don’t recognize it?” Shao Len prompted.
Just missing the opening quotation marks on this one.

*Bullet*Consider placing her internal thoughts in italics so the reader doesn't become confused since the narrative is in first-person past tense and the thoughts are in present tense.

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

All in all, this was a great read. It did a great job at pulling me in, making me love the characters, and intriguing me to read on. Keep up the great work! *Smile*

Thank you for posting your work and allowing me to comment on it. If you do not agree with my suggestions, that is just fine. They are definitely yours to do with what you wish. *Wink*

Happy Writing!

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134
134
Review of Two Mothers  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hiya, Pat!

I am more than happy to offer my reactions and suggestions for this piece. However, please keep in mind that these are my opinions, so feel free to disagree.
*Smile*


My Personal Impression:

Ah, what a beautiful tribute this is to moms! I love how you have touched on a topic here that so many people are afraid to talk about. Adoption is a touchy subject at best, and while I wasn't adopted, I did have two moms when my own mother was unable to care for me. I have often told them both that without both of them, I wouldn't be who I am today. This piece made me think about that, and it also showed me the concept from a different point of view. Well done!

Tone/Mood

The tone was soft and sincere, allowing the reader to become caught up in the emotion right from the first two lines. I found the mood came across as loving and thoughtful as the piece progressed, ending with sincere gratitude. Such a wonderful sentiment to be associated with the topic of adoption.

Form/Rhyme/Flow

The form in this poem worked nicely. The rhyming scheme was consistent, and the addition of punctuation allowed for a smooth rhythm as I read this out loud. I had no trouble with maintaining a good cadence. The word choices were effective in producing the desired meaning as well as supporting the smooth flow. I didn't stumble once.

Suggestions

Honestly, I have no suggestions for this wonderful piece. I found no errors at all. *Thumbsup*

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

I thoroughly enjoyed reading this poem, Pat. The meaning and emotion were both very clear, and the way they were expressed was eloquent and compelling. A job very well done indeed. *Smile*

Thank you for posting your work and allowing me to comment on it. If you do not agree with my suggestions, that is just fine. They are definitely yours to do with what you wish. *Wink*

Happy Writing!

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135
135
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hiya, Maryann!

I am more than happy to offer my reactions and suggestions for this piece. However, please keep in mind that these are my opinions, so feel free to disagree.
*Smile*

My Personal Impression:

This was so much fun to read! I was reminded of myself about 5 years ago. I knew how to run a computer, but I was scared spitless of the internet. I had no clue how to even get online! Thank goodness for family. *Bigsmile*

Strengths

I loved the tone you used in this piece. Your personal voice came through very well, allowing the reader to immediately connect with you on a casual, informal basis. I think it worked well to put the reader at ease and allow them to relate to your story. For me, I could relate to the feeling of uncertainty you felt when you started with email. I had heard so many horror stories about viruses and people who weren't who they really were that I was almost too scared to try it out at all. I think the main thing that pushed me to do it was that I didn't want my kids to know more about the internet than I did! *Laugh*

The structure of this piece was wonderful. Each paragraph led into the next, making for a smooth and enjoyable read.

My Favorite Part

I had always depended on my husband and my children to get information from the computer for me whenever I required it.

I had to laugh when I read this because I did the same thing! I would call my sister and ask her to do what I needed done. I think maybe that's why she insisted I learn. *Wink*

Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling, etc.

I didn't notice anything out of place! Good work. *Thumbsup*

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

All in all, this was a very enjoyable read. The personal voice you used in this made it feel like we were visiting over a good cup of coffee. Keep up the wonderful work. It is always a pleasure to visit your port! *Smile*

Thank you for posting your work and allowing me to comment on it. If you do not agree with my suggestions, that is just fine. They are definitely yours to do with what you wish. *Wink*

Happy Writing!

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136
136
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hiya, breshke !

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I hope you have your towel ready! *Wink*


My Personal Impression

Ah, what a cute twist! I really didn't see it coming at all. The build up toward 'the question' was done well to lead the reader down a completely different road than what the two of them ended up on. Nicely done. *Smile*

Strengths

The storyline in this piece was handled very well. I found myself pulled along through Jess' day as one wrong thing after another seems to befall her and Peter while they are on an impromptu hiking trip. You started off with an aggravated tone from Jess' perspective when Peter wakes her up to go hiking, and it set the mood well for the coming dilemma's they faced as the day wore on. I have to admit, I felt bad for Peter. It was evident early on that he had taken her out for a hike in order to ask her something important, and like most readers, I assumed he wanted to propose.

You did a great job at adding small details that seemed to support this assumption, effectively steering the reader down the wrong path. The twist on the end when he finally reveals his question was well done. It caught me by surprise, and I couldn't help but laugh. Nicely done.

The use of internal thoughts allowed the reader to see their individual points of view, and I think it worked well to show the reader a bit of their personalities as the piece wore on. I'm not too sure about how the point of view changed from one to the other since it confused me a bit to switch back and forth, but I can see why you used both perspectives. I do wonder though if the reader might obtain a stronger connection to one or the other if only one perspective was used. Something for you to consider, I suppose. *Wink*

My Favorite Part

Peter couldn’t help but notice the odd looks Jess was giving him—he knew that he was acting stranger than usual, but he couldn’t help it. He was about to ask her one of the biggest questions a man could ask a woman, and he was nervous!

I enjoyed this section because it did such an effortless job of convincing me as a reader that he was going to propose, simply because of what it seems to say. Nicely done!

General Suggestions

I have two quick suggestions for you that I believe would enhance this piece. My first suggestion is to reduce the amount of passive voice used. By this, I mean the use of the word 'was' and 'had'. These words are forms of the verb 'to be' and can tend to create a passive voice when used often within a story. It creates the effect of 'telling' the reader rather than 'showing' the reader what is happening. While this is not the only way to enhance the showing effect, it is one of the easiest to remedy because the passive 'was' can be replaced by more active verbs to create a more active feel to the story.

Also, my other suggestion is to add a bit more detail in regards to the appearance of the characters and surrounding area. I feel like I would have loved to know what they looked like. Using some creative imagery of the area could also enhance the experience for the reader. *Smile*

Here is a really great link that I have used often in the past while as I work on this aspect of my writing. Perhaps it will be of some use to you as well.

Article on 'Showing'  

Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling, etc.

*Bullet*...thought Jess angrily to herself,
Consider eliminating 'to herself'. Since it has already stated that she is thinking, the 'to herself' seems a bit redundant.

*Bullet*Normally she wouldn’t have minded going on hike through the woods,...
Consider adding an 'a' before 'hike' to smooth the flow.

*Bullet*Just as he opened his to ask her the question that would change both of their lives forever,...
I think you're missing a word after 'his'.

*Bullet*Or at least a clearing away from all these trees.” He shouted while protecting his face from the icy rain.
Because 'he shouted' is a dialog tag, the period after trees should be a comma, and the 'He' should be in lower case. I noticed a few errors regarding the punctuation around dialog in other areas as well. If you would like, I have a few great links that can help to explain the rules for this.

*Bullet*A little while later they came across a dilapidated cabin, with a partly torn down chimney.
The word 'with' is being used as a subordinating conjunction in this sentence, so the comma isn't necessary.

*Bullet* Peter strode over to the front porch, and loudly banged on the door.
The comma before the conjunction 'and' isn't needed here because 'loudly banged on the door' cannot stand alone. A comma is only needed before coordinating conjunctions (and, but, so, for, yet, nor, and or) when it is being used to combine two independent clauses. There are a few other areas like this as well.

*Bullet*Oh wait, there’s a hole on the ground...
I think perhaps 'on' should be 'in'.

*Bullet* Peter mumbled, “Well who woulda thought,” and closed the door behind them.
Since the section following the dialog is an action, the comma should be a period, and the following section should be it's own sentence. Or you could place it all together after the dialog. Consider something like: "Well, who woulda thought," Peter mumbled as he closed the door behind them.

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

I enjoyed reading this piece. The story flowed well from beginning to end, and the twist on the end was nicely executed to surprise the reader. I look forward to reading more of your work. *Smile*

Thank you for posting your work and allowing me to comment on it. If you do not agree with my suggestions, that is just fine. They are definitely yours to do with what you wish. *Wink*

Happy Writing!
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137
137
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hiya, SK Thomas !

I am more than happy to offer my reactions and suggestions for this piece. However, please keep in mind that these are my opinions, so feel free to disagree. I found this piece posted on "Review Me List for WDC Power -ON HIATUS. Thank you for posting for us to read and review.
*Smile*

My Personal Impression

I really enjoyed this teaser. I was quite intrigued by the plot development so far.

Strengths

While this was very short, it grabbed me and left me wanting more. I enjoyed the dark tone. There seemed to be an undercurrent of amusement from Apollyon as he carried out his duties. I found his personality came across quite clearly even though I didn't get to see much of his internal thoughts. The narrative and the dialog had the same edge to them, and I found it intriguing.

The dialog, though one-sided, was natural and flowed well. His speech seemed realistic for the kind of person he was. The thing I liked the most about his character was that he didn't seem all dark. His sense of humor came out through his spiel while he was waiting for the old man, and I sensed that there is much more to him than what has been shown in this section.

My Favorite Parts

*Bullet* Apollyon tucked the coins into his coat pocket, then tapped the old man on his forehead, “C'mon pops, I ain't got all night.”

This was my favorite part because it gave the reader a look at him in a very human light. His impatience showed that he has some sort of human emotion, and I found it interesting.

Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling, etc.

*Bullet*...but in the Greek tongue hath his name Apollyon”
Just missing the end punctuation before the quotation mark.

*Bullet*the smoke rising from the burning cigarette at the corner of his mouth enveloped his face, his eerie red eyes glared brightly in the dark night.
Consider adding the word 'and' before 'his eerie red eyes' to smooth the flow.

*Bullet* The elderly man now lying on the ground, had ended up an easy target for a group of gang members, who stabbed him to death as part of their initiation rites.
When I read this, I found the commas interrupted the natural flow of the sentence. It is my opinion that it flows much smoother without them. See what you think.

*Bullet* The old man followed slowly behind him, as they crossed the dark street towards a black 1960 Cadillac Eldorado,...
The comma before 'as' isn't needed in this sentence because 'as' is acting as a subordinating conjunction.

*Bullet*I have one general suggestion. While the beginning dialog works well to set the plot line, it left me floundering for a minute or two because I couldn't visualize the speaker. Once the description of him came in, I had no trouble at all. You might consider bringing the description in a little earlier to help the reader along a bit. See what you think.

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

All in all, I think this is a good, solid start for this story. Just from reading this section, I am eager to read more. *Smile*

Thank you for posting your work and allowing me to comment on it. If you do not agree with my suggestions, that is just fine. They are definitely yours to do with what you wish. *Wink*

Happy Writing!

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138
138
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hiya, The warlock !

I am more than happy to offer my reactions and suggestions for this piece. However, please keep in mind that these are my opinions, so feel free to disagree. I found this piece on "Review Me List for WDC Power -ON HIATUS. Thank you for posting for us to read and review!
*Smile*

My Personal Impression

This was an interesting poem. I have to say that I agree with the concept of this piece in every way. In order for their to be a balance of emotion, there must be both positive and negative. The way I think of it, if everything is positive, one would begin to lose the ability to be happy. When sadness is presented, it shows us the contrast, which allows us to feel the full spectrum of emotion. It sounds a lot easier to explain in my mind than it does when I'm typing, but this poem definitely sums it up well.


Strengths

There were a few things about this piece that really popped out at me. First, the color scheme you used to show the emotions was really great. You used a different color for each one, allowing the reader to associate not only with the written word, but with the visual effect of color, as well. Nicely done.

I enjoyed the pattern caused when I read this piece out loud. The syllable count within each stanza was consistent, and I found that each stanza flowed well into the next without any sense of stumbling or pause. The rhyming scheme was good, and the words were chosen well to present both meaning and auditory effect.


My Favorite Parts

From one emotion,
To another,
One cannot be,
Without the other.

This stanza was my favorite because it brought it all together. It showed how there can be no one emotion all by itself--that it takes a full range to create the whole.


Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling, etc.

I found no errors in this piece. *Thumbsup*


*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

This was a good read. Short and simple, but with a big message. *Smile*

Thank you for posting your work and allowing me to comment on it. If you do not agree with my suggestions, that is just fine. They are definitely yours to do with what you wish. *Wink*

Happy Writing!

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139
139
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hiya, Shelly !

I am more than happy to offer my reactions and suggestions for this piece. However, please keep in mind that these are my opinions, so feel free to disagree.
*Smile*

I found this piece posted on "Invalid Item. Thank you for posting for us to read.

My Personal Impression:

Ah, this story left me smiling, for sure. This was a wonderful accounting of a fond childhood memory. I had to laugh out loud at the last line. Well done! *Smile*

Strengths

The tone in this was gentle and fun. I found the emotions of the little girl came through well, allowing the reader to feel what she felt as the situation progressed. I was rooting for her as I read, and that tells me that I became emotionally involved with the character, which can only be a good thing.

The story progressed at a constant rate, never lagging for long, and always pulling the reader on with the promise of what was to come. I found myself eager to see if she would win or not, and what sort of lesson would be learned. To be honest, I didn't expect her to win, so I was thrilled when Old Whiskey pulled out his can opener for her. He was her ace in the hole. *Wink*

The imagery was fantastic, showing the reader the area as they fished. It allowed me to feel like I was a part of the story as it unfolded. Nicely done.

My Favorite Part

Ah, the last line has to be my favorite. I don't want to put it here to ruin it for anyone who might read this, but it left me with a huge smile and a feeling of contentment.


Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling, etc.

I didn't notice any errors in grammar or punctuation. *Thumbsup*

I just have a couple of small suggestions. Consider taking a read through and see if you can cut back on the passive voice a bit. For the majority, it works very well, but there is always room for active voice when explaining actions. Also, consider placing her direct thoughts in italics to make it easier for the reader to recognize.

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

All in all, this was a great read. It definitely brightened up my day. I loved the mood that was set as the scene progressed through the use of the girl's thoughts and actions. Well done.

Thank you for posting your work and allowing me to comment on it. If you do not agree with my suggestions, that is just fine. They are definitely yours to do with what you wish. *Wink*

Happy Writing!

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140
140
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hiya, Zoe !

I am more than happy to offer my reactions and suggestions for this piece. However, please keep in mind that these are my opinions, so feel free to disagree.
*Smile*

I found this piece posted on "Invalid Item.

My Personal Impression

To be honest, I was held tight from beginning to end. This was one of those items that I read front to back without stopping to jot down notes the first time through. *Smile*

Strengths

Your introduction paragraph did a nice job of pulling me in for the read. The great descriptions of her awaking to find herself bleeding and hurt felt realistic, and right away I felt like I needed to know what had happened to her. Nice work.

I liked how you used facts such as how her breathing echoed to show where she was when the ability to use her eyes wasn't available. The senses can tell a reader so much. You may consider adding in the smell of the area, as I think that waking like she did without sight might cause her to take note of that as well.

I was impressed with the flow of the dialog throughout this piece, especially when she was conversing with 'Bad Boy'. There was great chemistry between them in the way they bantered at the university, and I was happy to see that he was with her also in the warehouse. Not so much happy that they were taken, mind you, but at least she would have someone strong to keep her stable and realistic.

Saige's character was realistic to me. I found her desire to go to medical school palpable as she waited to hear the verdict of whether she got in or not, and her reaction was natural when he told her she was accepted. I laughed out loud at his reaction when she hugged him. Too funny! The poor man didn't know what to do with himself. *Laugh*

The introduction of the 'voice' was both compelling and horrific, and it kept me glued to the screen. It was evident by the way the voice punished the boy trying to get out that he wouldn't be playing games with them, at least not the kind where they get a chance to escape.

The plot line was compelling. I found it very interesting that there were only younger people taken by this person, and I wonder at what that means. He claimed to know each of them, including their personal details, and that really piqued my curiosity. It tells me they were chosen for something... but what? That question is what keeps the reader turning the pages. Well done.

My Favorite Parts

Although Saige was beyond terrified, there was something distinct in every one of those voices.

Fear.


I loved this section right at the end of the first part. It left me hanging, wanting to know what was going on even more than before. Well done!

“Oh. My. God!” Saige probably just destroyed her well worked self image by the way she very unattractively squealed and threw her arms around the Headmaster.

This part really jumped out at me because it showed me a bit of Saige's true personality and desires. Her need to go to school came through in this part, showing the reader just how important it was to her, and in turn, showing just how focused she could be on something she wanted.

Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling, etc.

*Bullet*...her lunges queezing out an uneasy pant of breath.
I think this was meant to be 'her lungs squeezing'.

*Bullet*The dark only added to her fear, helpless tears streamed down her face.
This sentence felt off as I read it. I wonder if adding 'and' before 'helpless' would smooth the flow. See what you think.

*Bullet*The pure white walls felt like a cage to her, the room to high of a temperature.
I think the word 'to' should be 'too'.

*Bullet*With a few more deep breathes,
I believe 'breathes' should be 'breaths'.

*Bullet*playing with loops in her ears.
Consider adding 'the' before 'loops'.

*Bullet* “You finished first in your from?” he asked.
I don't quite understand this question.

*Bullet*I just drooled all over that guy; he must think I’m a freak
Just missing the end punctuation on this sentence.

*Bullet*“Hallelujah! She has a conscious!” he mocked.
I think 'conscious' was meant to be 'conscience'.

*Bullet*It sounding like a good twenty people were there,
Consider 'sounded'.

*Bullet*The same questions repeated over and over again, with the same non giving answers.
Consider 'empty answers'.

*Bullet*“Ugh s***. What was that for!” a male voice complained, already released her.
Consider a comma after 'Ugh'. Also, I think a question mark should be used because this is a direct question. One last thing, 'already released her' doesn't fit with this sentence. Consider saying 'releasing her'.

*Bullet*The place is sealed to bone.
I think this may be a difference in the areas we live, but this doesn't quite make sense to me. Is it a figure of speech?

*Bullet*A chocked sob fell from the English girl’s throat,
I think 'chocked' should be 'choked'.

*Bullet*Saige couldn’t move, could barely breath.
I think 'breath' should be 'breathe'.


*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

I really enjoyed the beginning of this story. I think you did an excellent job at setting the mood for the book, as well as starting off with strong, realistic characters that allow an emotional reaction in the reader. The plot line seems solid so far, as well, and that is just as important as the characters. Well done. The grammar and spelling issues I found were all quite minor, and I think a read through would show you most of them yourself, so I didn't take much off the rating for that. All in all, very well done. *Bigsmile*

Thank you for posting your work and allowing me to comment on it. If you do not agree with my suggestions, that is just fine. They are definitely yours to do with what you wish. *Wink*

Happy Writing!

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141
141
Review of The Seven Seals  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hiya, Mark !

*Candleb*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews*Candlev*


My Personal Impression

Wow. I was wowed by this story line! I really do hope you have more coming. I was pulled into this and held tight until the end.

Strengths

The tone was done well in each section to add to the effect of showing as the events progressed. The mood was established through rich imagery, effective dialogue, and active narrative. My attention truly was held tight throughout the read. At the end of each section, I was eager to read on. The use of foreshadowing in this was very effective, and most of it was accomplished through description and imagery.

I could see what the characters saw, and 'feel' what they felt. I found the characters came across as realistic and believable, and while I don't yet know who the man in the last section was, I felt like I got a good feeling of what kind of person he was. The last sentence made me eager to know who this girl with bright green eyes could be.

I really liked how you did the prologue with the telling of the history as it was read from a book while teaching. Though it did 'tell' the reader, I felt as though it was very appropriate and compelling.

The plot line moved along well. Just enough for the facts to seem realistic without giving away too much.


My Favorite Parts

The grin that broke out on her face was joy itself as she leapt up in excitement. “What can we do today? Fire, Air, Water, Earth, or…Light! Oh yes, Light! Please Master Orrick, I want to learn to heal.” The young lady jumped again. Orrick couldn’t help but laugh with her enthusiasm. He knew he could die happy knowing that the student he taught would hold true to her oaths…

This section made me smile. I could feel her excitement clearly. I also loved the last though Orrick had. It feels a lot like foreshadowing to me. *Wink* Regardless, it made me want to continue reading.

The air seems to hum as that mass of molten gold heats the black sands of the shore.

I loved this description. It was rich with imagery, and I could 'see' the sun as it heated up the black sand. Very nice.


Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling, etc.

*Bullet*With him where the Sons of Orr, powerful Magi of the Earth.
I think the word 'where' was meant to be 'were'.

*Bullet* His gave a grumble and threw his hands up in frustration.
I think the first 'His' was meant to be 'He'.

*Bullet* “Arron de Ambre and Tormon De’Moras where masters of the Magical Arts;
The word 'where' should be 'were'.

*Bullet* It’s when one stops asking questions that they forget what really matters,” her instructor put a wrinkled, aged hand on the top of her head, “they forget that human life is more important than power.
When there is an action amidst dialogue, a period should be used rather than a comma.

*Bullet* Even the most advanced students were allowed to meddle in the Magical Arts until their fifth year in training.
I think 'were' was meant to be 'weren't'.

*Bullet*Her name had been disgraced during the war and ever since each child born with the ability to wield the magical arts had sworn an oath to never use the power to harm
Consider a comma after 'war' to smooth the flow of the sentence.

*Bullet*When using a name or endearment as a name in a direct address, a comma should precede the name. Words such as Master and Child would be considered names when used to refer directly to someone while speaking.

*Bullet*Each grain shimmers and causes a ripple in the air, those that gazed at those ripples for to long often started to see things that where not there.
I think this would be much smoother if placed in two separate sentences. Also, the word 'to' should be 'too'.

*Bullet* Don’t think about it. He thought as he stared at the clear blue of the sapphire sky.
Consider placing a comma where the period is so that the 'he thought' i used as a tag. I think it would flow a tad bit smoother. Also, consider placing his direct thoughts in italics. There have been a few places where I had to re-read once I realized they were direct thoughts.


*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

All in all, I think this was a very effective prologue and first chapter. The writing style and active narrative kept me on the edge of my seat, and the imagery made me feel as though I was there, watching the events unfold. A bit of editing, and this will easily be a five star piece. If you decide to edit, please let me know. I would love to come back and re-rate it accordingly. *Smile* I hope to read more soon.

Thank you for posting your work and allowing me to comment on it. If you do not agree with my suggestions, that is just fine. They are definitely yours to do with what you wish. *Wink*

Happy Writing!

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142
142
Review of Kunti  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hiya, oscines !

I am more than happy to offer my reactions and suggestions for this piece. However, please keep in mind that these are my opinions, so feel free to disagree.

I found this piece on "Invalid Item.
*Smile*


My Personal Impression

Wow! I'm really taken back by this poem, and it's in a good way. I am not sure about Kunti, I have never heard the legend, but there is a ton of meaning to be found in this even without that knowledge.

Tone & Mood

The tone came across as mysterious, and I think it worked well with the content to help set a mood of oppression and suffering. Well done. The opening stanza really grabbed my attention. *Thumbsup*

Emotional Impact

Ah, now this is where the meaning of the poem could be just about anything. I know this was based on a legend, but at the same time, I know there are many people in the world who feel that no matter what they do, their secrets change and fester the longer they are kept.

Rhyme, Form, and Flow

I didn't notice any rhyming sequence, and if it is in a specific form, I don't know it. However, the flow was spot on. It always surprises me when someone manages to obtain such a smooth flow without using a specific count. Perhaps part of the reason it is so smooth is that the pauses are natural ones. The use of proper punctuation really enhanced the ability to understand and interpret as I read, as well as to show me where extra pauses were. Nicely done.

I loved the alliteration you used to enhance the lines where the effects of the secret were described. It added that much more pop to it as I read it out loud. Also, the section where the wording is set off was very effective. It changed up the tone and rhythm a bit to give extra emphasis. Creative and effective.

Suggestions

I have only one.

*Bullet*Till it might not have
Ever even existed at all.
This was the only part I stumbled on. I wonder if eliminating 'even' would grant a smoother flow. See what you think.

*Star*In Conclusion*Star*

I thoroughly enjoyed reading this piece. It was effective, creative, meaningful, and a lot of fun to read. I look forward to reading your work again soon. *Smile*

Thank you for posting your work and allowing me to comment on it. If you do not agree with my suggestions, that is just fine. They are definitely yours to do with what you wish. *Wink*

Happy Writing!

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143
143
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Earth Day Challengers  
Rated: E | (4.0)


*LeafG*Review given on behalf of "The Earth Day Challenge*LeafG*


*LeafY* My Personal Impression

This was interesting read, for sure. I've read many essays over the past few days about the environment, and it was quite refreshing to see your point of view on how technology is affecting the world.

*Leaf* Strengths

The tone in this was conversational and persuasive. There was no sense that you were demanding the reader to see your point of view, but rather a stating of opinion to show the reader how you feel and why. I got the sense that there was a touch of challenge for the reader to really think about it before passing a judgement.

I found this piece thought provoking on many levels. Not only hace the advancements in technology caused a surplus of pollutants in the air, but they have also created a laziness in the human population by creating too much convenience. I can see your point of view, and really, I can't disagree.

As a child, my family went on a rustic vacation every year where we had to fend for ourselves at a basic level. Until I hit about 13, I enjoyed it immensely. There was a great sense of satisfaction at the end of a long day of gathering firewood, fishing, cooking, etc. that we had worked as a unit to provide for our needs. This is something that most people I know wouldn't have a clue how to do.

There are so many things that we do everyday that include the use of technology, and so very few that do not. You have given many good points in this as examples, and I can find no fault in any of them. The structure was clean and easy to follow, and I found only a few suggestions which I have included below.

*LeafO* Suggestions

*Bullet* I am aware of the great capacity for good that technology posses...
I think the word 'posses' was meant to be 'poses' or 'possesses'. This word is used again in the following sentence. The reason I think this is because 'posses' actually refers to an armed band of men.

*Bullet*This simplistic life style taught our...
I believe 'life style' should be all one word: lifestyle.

*Bullet*But even more dangerous was that it instilled an idea, that man had dominance over the earth and all it's inhabitants.
The comma before 'that' is not necessary. It seems to stunt the flow of the sentence. Also, the word 'it's' should be 'its'. It's indicates 'it is' whereas its shows possession.

*Bullet*This selfish ideology now propels technology today as it used for personal advancement and war.
Consider removing 'today' since 'now' does a nice job of it already. Also, I believe there should be an 'is' after 'it'.

*Bullet*Today things haven't changed technology still creates a gap between us and the environment and even amongst ourselves.
Consider breaking this into two sentences. A full stop after 'Today things haven't changed' would give it more impact. Then start a new sentence with 'Technology'. See what you think.

*Bullet*Traditional relationships required us to be in person with these individuals forcing us to get to know them and learn about them.
Consider a comma after 'individuals' to smooth the flow a bit.

*Bullet* There is no greater teacher then experience.
I believe 'then' should be 'than'.

*Bullet*We should stop and reflect on the things that we need and the things that we want.
I think you could create a bigger impact on the reader if this was rephrased slightly. Consider: We should stop and reflect on the difference between want and need.

*Sun* In Conclusion *Sun*

I enjoyed reading this essay. The points made in it are important and thought provoking. Good work! *Smile*

Thank you for posting your work and allowing me to comment on it. If you do not agree with my suggestions, that is just fine. They are definitely yours to do with what you wish. *Wink*

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144
144
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Earth Day Challengers  
Rated: E | (5.0)


*LeafG*Review given on behalf of "The Earth Day Challenge*LeafG*


*Leaf* My Personal Impression

I enjoyed reading through this essay for children. I found it such a good read that I read it to my nine-year-old daughter and asked her for her opinion on it. Her reaction was surprise over how very much trees do for us. She learned about trees creating oxygen in school, but I don't think she realized that there are also many other benefits to planting more trees.

*Leaf* Strengths

The structure of this piece was very effective. It was presented in clear language, easy enough for children to understand, but not so easy that it talked down to the targeted age group. There were times that she stopped me to talk about what it stated, but she didn't need clarification. That tells me that the word choices were effective and understandable.

The tone was friendly while maintaining the objectivity of a teacher. There was a sense of encouragement in the way the information was presented, and I think it would work well to get children thinking about what they could do.

The thing I like the most about this piece was that it targeted children. I believe that if we are to really make a difference in our environment, then every little bit that we contribute is worth the effort. This piece showed that way of thinking because while children can't do as much as adults, them understanding and knowing at a young age will spur them to get the adults in their lives involved, and by the time they are adults, it will be second nature to them. Well done.

*LeafO* Suggestions

I found no errors in this piece, and I have no suggestions for improvement. *Thumbsup*

*Sun* In Conclusion *Sun*

All in all, I think this was a well written, informative essay for children to learn about the role that trees play in our continued survival, as well as a great way to make them see that every little bit helps. *Smile*

Thank you for posting your work and allowing me to comment on it. If you do not agree with my suggestions, that is just fine. They are definitely yours to do with what you wish. *Wink*

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145
145
Review of Nature  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Earth Day Challengers  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hiya, Kemi !


*Candleb*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews*Candlev*


*LeafY* My Personal Impression

This was a good read. I found myself carried away by the rhythm and increase in tension as the piece progressed, and I loved the ending stanza. The wording was just perfect to get across the intended message. Well done.

*Leaf* Strengths

The tone in this piece changed as the piece progressed very well. It started out light and chipper, showing how the attitude of the person getting ready to head out for the day was thinking about having fun rather than experiencing nature in its own way. As the poem moved along, there were a few indications of destruction in order for him/her to experience the sights. As the person realized that nature didn't want him/her around, a sense of anxiety and fear came through well. Finally, in the end, the reader can feel how the person came to realize that nature cannot be experienced in our own way, but in the way it was intended by the creator. A great message.

I found the flow constant, even though it didn't seem to follow a specific pattern. As I read this out loud, it flowed smoothly, and I didn't stumble at all. The use of rhyming couplets throughout produced a smooth cadence as I read and was very nice to listen to. The word choices were well thought out and executed in keeping with the rhythm, as well as the meaning. Nicely done.

*LeafO* Suggestions

*Bullet*Rivers, landscape, gaint trees
I think the word 'gaint' was meant to be 'giant'.

*Bullet*Tall long green grass stood blocking my way
The use of both 'tall' and 'long' seems unnecessary here since they both mean the same thing. See what you think.

*Leaf* My Favorite Parts

Mountains, oceans, gentle breeze
Rivers, landscape, gaint trees


I loved the rhythm set by this couplet. It worked very well to get a certain cadence going. Well done.

Morning came, with what, wondered I
"Salvation" nature's voice heard I


This was such a ray of sunshine after the tension and fear in the parts just before this. It lifted the intensity well, and left me experiencing the soothing presence of nature. Very nice!

*Sun* In Conclusion *Sun*

All in all, this was a great read. I enjoyed it immensely. It was well written, smooth, and contained a wonderful message. I look forward to reading your work again! *Smile*

Thank you for posting your work and allowing me to comment on it. If you do not agree with my suggestions, that is just fine. They are definitely yours to do with what you wish. *Wink*

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146
146
Review of The Eye  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Earth Day Challengers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hiya, usizi !


This was an interesting piece. It took me a couple of reads through to see the message in its entirety, but I think it worked well to show how complacency can lead to negativity.

*Leaf* Strengths

The narrative tone conversational, allowing the reader a look into the heart of the narrator. The emotions the speaker went through as he/she spoke seemed to progress naturally through sorrow, guilt, annoyance, and then finally, destruction. It showed how we end up finding a reason for our actions that can't be credited directly back to ourselves.

I enjoyed the imagery you used in this to place the reader within the forest, staring at the squirrel right alongside of the narrator. I could envision the eye as he/she spoke to it, and the complacent attitude saddened me. It showed how we all go around talking about the environment and what we should or shouldn't do, but when it comes down to it, very few practice what they preach. The mention of how the father talks about global warming and operates a taxi company was a great example. Though we might be concerned, we don't do anything about it.

The ending shocked me the first time I read through, but after the second and third read, I could see the point of it. This is one of those pieces that should be digested slowly so the reader doesn't miss the little things.

*LeafO* Suggestions

*Bullet*A bird chirps once, a lazy non committal chirp.
Consider substituting another word for the second 'chirp' to reduce repetition. Perhaps 'sound'. Also, I wonder if there should be a dash in non-committal.

*Bullet*Her lithe form spreads along a branch, eyes closed head rested on a front paw.
Consider a comma after 'head' to increase the flow.

*Bullet* I want to look away, give up the challenge, but realize that I would loose not just the contest.
I believe the word 'loose' should be 'lose'.

*Bullet*“What issues do you talk about”, I wonder to the eye,
The comma before 'I' should be before the quotation mark.

*Bullet* what a nice house one of them moved into, how good the schools that their kids go to.
Consider adding 'are' after 'schools' to increase the flow.

*Bullet*Still, no reaction from my audience but am content to have the attention so I continue.
Consider adding 'I' before 'am' to increase the flow.

*Bullet*“Me, I love listening. That is one reason I squat in this heat and listen to your loud silence,” the eye stares unblinkingly back at me.
Since the part following the dialogue is an action, the dialogue should end with a period, and the 'the' following it should be capitalized.

*Bullet* “What’s the hullabaloo about melting glaciers and swelling oceans?
The quotation mark at the beginning of this sentence is extra since this is in the middle of a dialogue section.

*Leaf* My Favorite Part

The sun is burning the earth with such intensity that hell would be a welcome place to shelter.

This sentence did a great job at securing my interest in the read, as well as showing how bad it will get, and in some places has already gotten, as we poison our earth. It cut to the heart of the matter.

*Sun* In Conclusion *Sun*

All in all, this was a good read. It was thought provoking and left a lasting impression on me. A bit of editing to tighten it up would benefit the flow for the reader. The message was strong and direct. I look forward to visiting your port again. *Smile*

Thank you for posting your work and allowing me to comment on it. If you do not agree with my suggestions, that is just fine. They are definitely yours to do with what you wish. *Wink*

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147
147
Review of The Bequest  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Earth Day Challengers  
Rated: E | (5.0)


I just love how you chose to express the importance of protecting the environment through a showing of teaching the coming generations of how important it is. The saying, 'Every little bit counts', comes through well in this piece.

*Leaf* Strengths

For me, the emotional content of this poem shone through nicely. The tone was gentle and loving, granting a soft cadence as the poem progressed. I could feel the man's genuine love of the earth as he showed the younger members of his family why it's so important. It seems that each new generation cares less and less, and I think it's great how you touched on the fact that we really need to 'show' our children through our actions what needs to be done. It's all well and good to talk about it, but being active and doing something about it is so important. Nicely done.

This piece flowed well as I read it out loud. There was a consistent syllable count of 8 beats per line with only a couple of exceptions, and it worked well to create a steady cadence. Normally I would suggest that those exceptions be reworked to match, but they didn't stunt the flow at all. After looking at them separately, I could find no reason to change anything. The rhyming sequence was consistent and not at all forced. The word choices supported both the mood and the content well.

The use of proper punctuation was a nice addition. It helped me to see the rhythm as I went and enhanced the flow. The picture at the top added to the emotional aspect of this piece because it wasn't a perfectly staged picture. It complemented the idea of our families working together to preserve our earth.

*LeafO* Suggestions

I have no suggestions for this poem. *Thumbsup*

*Leaf* My Favorite Parts

I watched him struggle to arise,
from where he knelt upon the soil.
An inner strength shone in his eyes
as he rested from his toil.


I just loved this stanza. It showed well how sustaining the earth is not easy, and even though he had to struggle to get up from planting, it was well worth it to him that he was doing something to give back, as well as to show the younger generations how important it really was.

*Sun* In Conclusion *Sun*

I loved reading this poem. The message came through very well, and I think it will make parents realize that they have to be active about teaching their children through actions. We always say practice what you preach, and this poem showed that concept perfectly. As always, it was a pleasure to read your work. *Smile*

Thank you for posting your work and allowing me to comment on it. If you do not agree with my suggestions, that is just fine. They are definitely yours to do with what you wish. *Wink*

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148
148
Review of Fifty Seconds  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hiya, Naomi !

I found this piece posted on "Invalid Item. I am more than happy to offer my reactions and suggestions for this piece.
*Smile*

My Personal Impression

This was a sad read. I can safely say I was near to tears by the end of it. I think you have done a nice job at showing the emotional state of this teenager.

Strengths

The tone in this piece was conversational, allowing the emotional mood to come through with great effect. The first person point of view showed the character's thoughts well, and I found that they flowed in a way that I would expect for someone at her younger age. They were a bit chaotic, and it worked very well to show the reader how she was feeling.

The progression of the piece was smooth from beginning to end. The narrative led the reader right from her finding out what had happened, through her grief, guilt, and how she managed to deal with the loss. The ending paragraph was especially moving, and I could feel her pain. Nicely done.

Suggestions

*Bullet*...only two excruciating long days ago.
Consider a comma between 'excruciating' and 'long' because they are coordinating adjectives.

*Bullet*My life is completely different, and I, in some ways, have completely changed. I no longer cared about anything; I didn’t even care if I was alive.
The tense seems to change between these sentences. It goes from present to past. You may consider smoothing it out so the tense stays constant.

*Bullet* I tried calling mum and dad to let them know I was home, but nether answer.
I think this should be 'neither answered' to keep the tense constant.

*Bullet*She didn’t knock like she usually did so I knew something was not right.
Consider a comma before 'so' because it is acting as a coordinating conjunction to join two independent clauses.

*Bullet*There are quite a few changes in tense throughout the story, and I found it quite confusing. The tense tells the reader the time frame, so when it goes from present tense to past tense, it tends to disrupt the flow of the read. Consider keeping the tense in either past or present in order to secure the readers attention.

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

All in all, this was a good read. I think it could be strengthened a bit through the use of constant tense, but on the whole, the emotion was palpable, and the story was realistic. Those two things together creates an emotional roller coaster for the reader, especially when they can relate to it in some way. Great work with this! I look forward to visiting your port again. *Smile*

Thank you for posting your work and allowing me to comment on it. If you do not agree with my suggestions, that is just fine. They are definitely yours to do with what you wish. *Wink*

Happy Writing!

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149
149
Review of Nature's Way  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hiya, Writer_Mike !

*Candleb*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews*Candlev*


My Personal Impression

This was a beautiful short story about love and family. I liked how you used this situation to show the learning of a life lesson for both the daughter and the mother.

Strengths

The tone in this piece came through as gentle. The use of first person narrative allowed the reader to see the emotions of the mother clearly as she helped her daughter through finding the baby bird, and then setting it free again. Both the mother and daughter were sad about having to put the bird back outside, and I felt bad for Gretchen, but she also learned a great lesson of faith. I liked how the mother was honest with her daughter right from the beginning, as well. I think it was a good way to show her gentle, honest nature.

The dialogue between the two was realistic and flowed well. I could hear their distinctive voices, which allowed me a more vivid experience of the situation. Nicely done.

The subtext used in this to impart the veterinarian's instructions worked well, and I think it was a great way to stay within the word count while maintaining the flow of the story. The meaning was clear to me as a reader, and I could fill in the spaces easily.

Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling, etc.

I didn't notice any errors. *Thumbsup*

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

All in all, this was a nice, heartwarming read. I enjoyed it! I think you did a great job to impart both emotion and a theme with such a short word count. Great work!

Thank you for posting your work and allowing me to comment on it. If you do not agree with my suggestions, that is just fine. They are definitely yours to do with what you wish. *Wink*

Happy Writing!

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150
150
Review of Absence of Time  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hiya, warriormom!

*Candleb*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews*Candlev*


My Personal Impression

Ah, I can't begin to think of all the times I wished for such a moment as this, for the absence of time. I loved reading this poem. After reading it the first time, I was drawn to read it out loud, and I am so glad I did. The emotion and sense of peace was so much stronger when recited. Powerful stuff, my dear.

Tone & Mood

The tone was soft and peaceful, setting a mood of contentment. I filled up with a sense of being suspended in between moments, in the space where everything sits still and neither good nor bad can happen. It would be true peace knowing that all stayed just the same in that second in time.

Emotional Impact

Well, my emotions are a bit haywire right now, as you know, and this piece was just the moment I needed to catch my breath. You capture the essence of floating in a timeless void so well in this piece, and the imagery of the ocean all around enhanced the experience nicely.

Rhyme, Form, and Flow:

Don't tell anyone, but I had to go back over it when I got to this section because I really wasn't concentrating on what the rhyme and form were. The flow was amazing right from the beginning. There was a soft, rolling cadence for meas I read, and I think the use of proper punctuation really enhanced my ability to see the rhythm before I spoke the words. I found that the word rolled off my tongue with ease.

My favorite part:

I float somewhere above the earth,
away from the boundaries of this world.
Serenity is mine as I breathe in the ocean air
and taste the salty flavor of the absence of time.

Powerful imagery!

Suggestions

I have no suggestions for this wonderful read. *Thumbsup*

*Star*In Conclusion*Star*

Thank you, Pat. I thoroughly enjoyed stopping in your port today and experiencing this piece. It was just what the doctor ordered. *Bigsmile*

Thank you for posting your work and allowing me to comment on it. If you do not agree with my suggestions, that is just fine. They are definitely yours to do with what you wish. *Wink*

Happy Writing!

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