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2,311 Public Reviews Given
2,564 Total Reviews Given
I'm good at...
Spotting technical errors and awkward sentences. I also focus quite a bit on plot and scene flow.
Favorite Genres
Romance, Erotica, Paranormal, Fantasy, Mystery, Action/Adventure, Suspense
Least Favorite Genres
Horror
Favorite Item Types
Short Stories, Chapters
Least Favorite Item Types
Poetry
I will not review...
I'll review just about anything except for items containing incest or bestiality.
Public Reviews
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151
151
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hiya, aralls!

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I hope you have your towel ready! *Wink*


My Personal Impression

This was an interesting, sad, thought provoking short story. I loved the description of the strange woman. You managed to show me exactly how she looked with the use of great detail and figurative language. Nice work. The prompt at the bottom was a great addition because it allowed me to see what you were working with when you wrote this story, and I think you did a great job incorporating the prompt while making it original.

Strengths

The narrative tone in this piece really gave me insight to the main character's frame of mind. There was an indifferent attitude to how she went about her morning. I could tell that she was feeling lonely, perhaps like there wasn't much of a point to doing what she did everyday because she had no-one to share it with, and yet there was an edge of humor, showing that she could still view the world with some emotion. She hadn't quite gotten to the 'I don't care about anything' stage of the attitude, though she was well on her way.

Her memories of her Gram showed the reader what her life was like growing up. She grew up with lots of love if not much money, and it seemed as though she couldn't quite bring herself to be bitter about her mother leaving. Personally, I think she would have asked eventually about her mother, but it also shows how much he cared about her grandparent's that she never put them on the spot in that way.

The story flowed well from beginning to end, allowing enough time for the reader to get to know the character before the main event takes place. The letter was well done. I felt such respect for the woman when she wrote that she was proud to call Belle her daughter. There was also a great theme in this piece, a showing that it is never too late, and that perhaps knowing is better than not knowing. It would be interesting to see how the event affected Belle's life after the fact.

General Suggestions

*Bullet*“Here,” her raspy voice interrupted my assessment of the stranger.
The end of this sentence, 'of the stranger', made me feel as though there were two other people there, rather than one. I think you could eliminate it to show that she is the stranger.

*Bullet* With shaking hands, she was thrusting a present toward me.
Consider increasing the active voice of this sentence by saying 'she thrust a present towards me'.

*Bullet*One tiny hand was gripping the leg of the stuffed animal,...
Here, the passive voice can be reduced by removing 'was gripping' and replacing it with 'gripped'.

Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling, etc.

*Bullet* And if it were a death threat of some sort I had to give them points on originality for the Winnie-the-Pooh wrapping.
Consider a comma after 'sort' to show that it is an introductory phrase.

*Bullet*But you, my dear girl,, are the only thing...
There's just an extra comma after 'girl'.

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

I enjoyed reading this story. You did a great job with the prompt, and I think the level of emotion that comes through was just enough. I look forward to visiting your port again. *Smile*
Thank you for posting your work and allowing me to comment on it. If you do not agree with my suggestions, that is just fine. They are definitely yours to do with what you wish. *Wink*

Happy Writing!
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152
152
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hiya, Lyricka Raiyne Monahan !

I found this piece posted on "Invalid Item. Thank you for posting for us to read and review.
*Smile*

My Personal Impression

I liked the plot in this piece. While is seems to be a reoccurring theme, I really enjoy a budding romance between a vampire and a human. There are so many different possibilities for situations and conflict. The first paragraph gave a taste of tension and pulled me in for the read. Well done.

Tone/Mood/Tense/Point of View

The tone was a bit hard for me to pin down, but I think it was because the point of view changed around quite a bit. Consider adding a break line between the different perspectives to show the reader that a change is taking place. It can become confusing for the reader to switch back and forth too often, but when done in a smooth manner, it can also give so much more depth to the characters. I think it will enhance the connection between the reader and the characters well in the long run.

Setting & Imagery

The setting was a coffee shop that Lyrick likes to spend time in. I think you could increase the description of the coffee shop a bit. I don't feel like I could really see the interior, nor feel the atmosphere around her. It was explained as welcoming and quiet, but I didn't 'feel' it. You could increase the active voice a bit by showing a bit of her surroundings to enhance the effect. The imagery used of sounds and scents enhanced the scene well.

Plot & Characterization

The plot is just in the beginning stages, so I'm not sure that I can comment effectively on it just yet. I found the scenes progressed well through this chapter, but I do think you could spend a bit of time fleshing the scenes out just a bit to give the reader a bit more of an emotional connection to the characters. Don't get me wrong, they both come across pretty well, but I felt like I would have liked to hear their internal thoughts a bit regarding the world around them.

Lyrick came across as uncertain, lonely, and shy. Showing her past relationship allowed for the reader to see why she was withdrawn, and I found the reason very believable. The description of her was complete, and I had no trouble envisioning her in my mind.

The vampire she runs into in the shop comes across as sure of himself, yet hesitant. I found it attractive and endearing. I would love a more detailed description of him, though. Since Lyrick is watching him without trying to, it would be natural for her to comment on his looks in her thoughts. I think it would increase the tension between them when he stops her at the door. Something for you to think about.

Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling, etc.

*Bullet* But she knew what she had to do, gathering courage and holding it close to her as a child grasps its mother, Spotting the entrance...
These sentences don't quite flow together the way they are written. Consider restructuring them a bit to enhance the flow. For a quick example:
She gathered her courage and held it close, like a child grasping its mother. She knew what she had to do. Spotting the entrance...

*Bullet*she walked through the gates and up the stairs to face her destiny, even though her destiny only held death.
Consider revising this sentence to give it more punch. What it conveys is really great, and I think you could make it even more effective for the reader if it was a bit more blunt. For a quick example:
she strode through the gates and up the stairs to face her destiny -- death.

*Bullet* At least she would get one last chance to look upon her lovers face once more........
Using 'one last chance' and 'once more' is a bit repetitive. Consider eliminating one or the other. Also, when using ellipses, three periods is all that is necessary to keep it looking professional.

*Bullet* The Sun shown down brightly on the town...
The word 'Sun' doesn't need to be capitalized. Also, 'shown' should be 'shone'.

*Bullet* "Such beauty there is in this world, yet for the life of me, I can find no happiness in it." thought Lyrick,...
When a tag follows a line of dialogue or a thought, the period before the end quotation mark becomes a comma. One quick thought for you, though. Consider placing the thoughts in italics rather than quotation marks. Many readers become confused when they are written as dialogue. With italics, you would not need the quotation marks. For example:

Such beauty there is in this world, yet for the life of me, I can find no happiness in it, thought Lyrick.

To use italics, just type {i} before the words you want italicized, and then {/i} when you want them to stop.


*Bullet*There are several areas where a comma is used instead of a period to end a sentence. Just a simple typo, but it does confuse the reader for a second, so you may want to read through to look for those. Also, I found a few areas where the sentences were very long. While this isn't a bad thing, it created a bit of a 'and then... and then...' feel to it as I was reading. Consider breaking some of them up into shorter sentences to give the reader a bit more variety.

*Bullet*Throngs of tourists and residents pouring out of hotels and homes.
The use of the 'ing' on 'pouring' indicates that something else will be happening at the same time, but the something else doesn't come so the sentence tends to feel unfinished. Consider using 'poured' instead.

*Bullet* "Go ahead miss," a crackly voice said, Lyrick looked into the face of a very elderly man that had to be in his nineties, "Thank you so much, Sir." she replied, stepping into the dimly lit coffee shop, the savory aroma of fresh brewed coffee and the sweet smell of the various cakes and cookies filling her nostrils, she breathed deep and let out a sigh of contentment.
This section was a little bit hard for me to understand the first time I read through. I think it is because it seems as though it is one long sentence. When there are two different speakers, the dialogue for each speaker should have its own paragraph. For example:

"Go ahead, miss," a crackly voice said.

Lyrick looked into the face of a very elderly man that had to be in his nineties. "Thank you so much, Sir," she replied.

Stepping into the dimly lit coffee shop, the savory aroma of fresh brewed coffee, and the sweet smell of the various cakes and cookies filled her nostrils. She breathed deep and let out a sigh of contentment.

*Bullet*The atmosphere in the shop was very welcoming and quite,
I think 'quite' should be 'quiet'.

*Bullet* "The usual, miss?", he asked,
There is just an extra comma before 'he'.

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

I think this is a good start on a paranormal romance. I enjoyed the scene between them right at the end. It was a good hook to keep the reader moving along to the second chapter!

Thank you for posting your work and allowing me to comment on it. If you do not agree with my suggestions, that is just fine. They are definitely yours to do with what you wish. *Wink*

Happy Writing!

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153
153
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hiya, Pat!

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I hope you have your towel ready! *Wink*


My Personal Impression

I really enjoyed reading this short story, Pat. I could identify with you very easily since I was less than honest as a child. I didn't lie to hurt, but to preserve the image of what I thought I was supposed to be like. The message in this piece is clear, and I was left feeling satisfied at the end.

Tone/Mood, Tense & Point of View

I loved the tone in this. I could 'hear' your voice as I read through this, both the adult tone in the narrative, as well as the child's voice in the thoughts. You managed to merge the two personalities and show the perspective of the child in a clear and understandable way. The mood was emotional and tense, showing the reader how upsetting the situation really was for you at that age. Well done.

The tense and the point of view were both consistent throughout. *Thumbsup*

Plot/Theme

Ah, such a wonderful theme in this piece. To be able to see and recognize the compulsion to be perfect as a child and develop it as you grew up into an honest accounting of the type of person you became is an amazing feat. I lied as a child to fit in, to be what I thought people wanted me to be, and even as an adult I find myself going to extra lengths to do the same. The difference is that I realized lying wouldn't help me, and through suffering the consequences of lying, I came to see how hurtful it could be without ever meaning to be. If I had to sum this piece up in one sentence, it would be: Try to be who you truly are. No-one is perfect, it's simply not possible, but being the best you can be is possible.

Characterization, Imagery, & Setting

The characterization was really well done in this piece. The internal dialogue, active sentences, and smooth flow allowed for a great understanding of the reactions and actions of the child. A few of my favorite lines that I feel showed me a lot more than they intended:

I threw that stinking box as far as my little arms could throw it...

I tingled with excitement as Dad drove me to the store.

The setting wasn't an important part of this story, and I think what there is for description was enough. I didn't feel as though I needed to see any more than I did.

Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling, etc.

*Bullet*well not the kind of attention I longed for anyway.
Consider a comma after 'well' to give it a bit more personality.

*Bullet*With no time to waste, I stealthily slid the small box out of the grocery bag and quickly took it outside.
I found the adverbs in this sentence a bit too much. I think you could strengthen the sentence by removing them and using some active language. For a quick example of what I mean: With no time to waste, I slid the small box out of the grocery bag and headed outside.In my opinion, the first introductory phrase shows that it is done with speed. See what you think.

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

This was very well written, full of emotion, and contained a great message. A job well done, my dear, for sure. Good luck with the contest. I am sure you will do well!

Thank you for posting your work and allowing me to comment on it. If you do not agree with my suggestions, that is just fine. They are definitely yours to do with what you wish. *Wink*

Happy Writing!
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154
154
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hiya, jimbobjoeybob !

You were kind enough to come by my port with a review, so I am here to return the favor. I am more than happy to offer my reactions and suggestions for this piece. However, please keep in mind that these are my opinions, so feel free to disagree.
*Smile*


My Personal Impression:

Ah, these stories were quite entertaining. A great sense of humor went into their creation, as well as a few underlying messages. I found it neat that they each ended with the tumble weeds rolling off and laughing. Each one had a different reason for the laughing, some bitter and some not, and for the most part it fit with the context of each section well.

I would love to see these expanded out a bit to reduce the effect of telling. Passive voice is used predominantly, and to be honest, it worked quite well, though I would have liked to be able to envision the areas a little bit better around the tumble weeds. I would usually ask for expressions, as well, but it would be a bit redundant in this case since the characters are tumble weeds and do not have facial structure. *Laugh*

These little bits would be quite funny when read out loud to a group, I think.

Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling, etc.

The sentence structure and punctuation could use some work to smooth out the flow of the read. A few of the main things I noticed were run-on sentences, missed punctuation around dialogue, and dialogue of several 'people' bunched together in the same paragraph. Separating the dialogue so that each speaker has their own paragraph would allow for the reader to see the switch from one to the next a bit easier.

If you are interested in specific details or a line-by-line, please let me know.

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

All in all, this series of short shorts provides great comic relief. I enjoyed reading through them, but I think some work on structure and technical aspects such as punctuation would strengthen them on the whole.

Thank you for posting your work and allowing me to comment on it. If you do not agree with my suggestions, that is just fine. They are definitely yours to do with what you wish. *Wink*

Happy Writing!

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155
155
Review of The Last Day  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hiya, morethinking !

*Candleb*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews*Candlev*


My Personal Impression

Wow. This story blew me away. The twist right at the end was perfectly timed for great impact. I loved it.

Tone/Mood, Tense & Point of View

The tone was serious and sad, setting a mood of sorrow and regret as the two characters brace for the end. The emotions came through so clearly as they experienced the end of their time together. I found the flow of the narrative to be very smooth and compelling. Great work. The only thing that threw me off was the change in perspective as the reader gets insight to what she is thinking. Though it worked to heighten the emotion a bit, it did stop my progress for a minute as I adjusted. You may consider omitting that chance for the reader to become lost. Something to think about, at any rate.

Otherwise, the tense and point of view were consistent. *Thumbsup*

Plot/Theme/Characterization

I loved the theme in this piece. There is always hope. The way the characters accepted their fate was realistic, and the emotion came through well as they supported each other. The use of shorter sentences enhanced the intensity of the final encounter nicely. Well done.

Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling, etc.

*Bullet*The sound had grown louder.
The timing of this sentence is quite important in this story, and I think the impact could be enhanced by reducing the passive voice. Consider removing 'had grown' and replace it with 'grew'. It becomes more active and will be more intense for the reader. See what you think.

*Bullet*His voice was not German but American, as was he.
The use of 'His' and 'he' in this sentence almost confused me. Consider replacing 'His' with 'The soldier' or another form of describing who was speaking. I think it would make it a little clearer for the reader to sense the implications of the statement immediately.

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

This was a great read. It left me feeling like even when the world seems like a horrible place, there is always a reason to hope. I look forward to reading more of your work. *Smile*

Thank you for posting your work and allowing me to comment on it. If you do not agree with my suggestions, that is just fine. They are definitely yours to do with what you wish. *Wink*

Happy Writing!

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156
156
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hiya, Half Time Break !

*Candleb*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews*Candlev*


My Personal Impression

This was a powerful read. I have to admit, I had to read through a few times to make sure I was understanding the first couple of paragraphs, but once I got it, I really got it. I think I just wasn't paying enough attention the first time. *Wink* The message in this piece was clear. The fact that many of us have preconceived emotional reactions due to our past experiences is something that I can relate to. I was raised in an abusive home, and I still find that I flinch if something happens quickly around me. Over the years, I have realized that this reaction comes from something I learned when I was young - to flinch and cower when that fist started swinging. Now, as an adult, I have found that I have to re-train myself based on positive experiences.

I can't count how many people have told me that once you are who you are there is no changing it. Your article has shown me just how wrong that is. Anyone can be, feel, and react how they want to, all they need is the desire to conquer that mountain. Things we experienced do not have to affect the experiences to come, and this piece shows that very clearly.

The tone used in this piece was clear, consistent, knowledgeable, and forthright, all the while being friendly and compassionate. I could sense that the author of the piece really believed the message, and therefore, it came through with an added punch. Extremely well done!

Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling, etc.

There was just one small thing I noticed as I was reading through this. When a conjunction such as and, but, for, yet, nor, and so, to combine two independent clauses, a comma should proceed the conjunction. For a quick example:

*Bullet* You won't find it in friends or relatives and you won't find it in drugs or alcohol.
Because both sentences before and after the 'and' are independent clauses, a comma would be appropriate. I found a couple spots such as this.

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

This piece was motivational, inspirational, and a joy to read. *Smile*

Thank you for posting your work and allowing me to comment on it. If you do not agree with my suggestions, that is just fine. They are definitely yours to do with what you wish. *Wink*

Happy Writing!

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157
157
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hiya, dollzell !

*Candleb*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews*Candlev*


My Personal Impression:

This was an emotional love poem. The fact that this was a recollection of love once had and lost created a sorrow filled mood, and I found it contagious. The ending stanza showed that the person behind the words still hoped for a reunion one day, and for me, that was touching.

Tone & Mood:

The tone was soft and sad, setting a mood of sorrow and regret. It worked very well within the context of this poem to make the reader 'feel' the loss that is remembered with such love.

Emotional Impact:

I felt sad as I read this piece because it felt as though the other person was untouchable or unattainable. The emotion in the words came through very strongly, and I found myself wishing that there could be a happy ending. The following section really hit me because it showed that the love being reflected upon was too far gone.

I miss the reflection of your face in the moon
I count the stars like the kisses lost too soon
A sunny day, a cloudless sky suddenly turned to gloom
I realize you and I together are destined for doom

Rhyme, Form, and Flow:

The rhyme sequence and choice of wording flowed well together to create a strong, steady flow to this piece. The words flowed from my tongue with ease as I read it out loud. Well done.

Suggestions:

*Bullet*My feelings is still ambivalent,
I believe 'is' should be 'are' because 'feelings' are plural.

*Bullet*There were a few areas where the commas were an extra space to far from the letters they were surrounding. As far as I know, the comma should be directly after a word, and one space before the next.

*Star*In Conclusion*Star*

All in all, a great read. It flowed smoothly, conveying the emotion in a clear manner that allowed me to experience it fully. Well done.

Thank you for posting your work and allowing me to comment on it. If you do not agree with my suggestions, that is just fine. They are definitely yours to do with what you wish. *Wink*

Happy Writing!

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158
158
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hiya, R. Walter Smith !

*Candleb*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews*Candlev*


My Personal Impression:


Oooh, I really liked this! It was especially powerful when I read it out loud. I felt a chill at the end, and I think it was because of the very last line. To feel hunted by something dark is one thing, but to know that there is no emotion behind the hunter is altogether another thing.

Tone & Mood:

The tone was dark, soft, and luring. It set a great mood over this piece as I read. I found the rhythm flowed in a way that allowed a dream-like atmosphere, like there was a soft trance coming through the words to trap the unwary. It was very effective in assisting the mood.

Rhyme, Form, and Flow:

Though I am not sure what form this is, it seems to me to have a specific rhyme scheme. I'm not going to take the time to write it out, but I will say that I think it was quite effective. I also noticed a bit of repetition in the stanzas, and rather than being too much, it helped to set a natural flow. Well done.

Suggestions:

I have no suggestions for improvement. I really enjoyed this piece. *Thumbsup*

*Star*In Conclusion*Star*

All in all, this was a great read. The rhyme scheme and rhythm both flowed naturally, the tone and mood were effective, and the use of wording did a great job in getting across the story. Great work!

Thank you for posting your work and allowing me to comment on it. If you do not agree with my suggestions, that is just fine. They are definitely yours to do with what you wish. *Wink*

Happy Writing!

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159
159
Review of Shear Madness  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Hiya, pitbull !

*Candleb*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews*Candlev*


I was cruising through your port today in order to send you an Anniversary review when this piece caught my attention. My first thought when I saw the title was an event almost like this when my son cut my daughter's hair while she was sleeping, so I just had to come and check it out. I wasn't at all disappointed. *Smile*

The story flowed well from beginning to end, allowing for a smooth read. I was surprised that you managed to infuse your own voice into this piece so well in such a short word count. The tone was friendly, and I felt more like I was sitting down to coffee with a friend than reading a story. Nicely done. I think the tone really helped to bring me into the story and get me interested right away. The first paragraph did a great job in setting the scene for the coming punishment, not to mention that I was nodding my head throughout it thinking, "Yep, that sounds familiar!" I think there are many parents out there that could relate to this story.

I laughed out loud at the end when your son told you that the spanking with the shoe didn't hurt. What a lesson to be learned! Kids do say the darndest things, don't they?

I didn't notice any errors that detracted from my enjoyment of the read. Well done.

All in all, a nicely written, fun read. *Smile*

Thank you for posting your work and allowing me to comment on it. If you do not agree with my suggestions, that is just fine. They are definitely yours to do with what you wish. *Wink*

Happy Writing!

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160
160
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hiya, Hektor Thillet !

*Candleb*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews*Candlev*


My Personal Impression

This was a cute read. Since I am a mother of four, I always read children's stories to my kids. My nine-year-old really liked this story. She had two questions: is there more, and what did the jester look like?

Tone/Mood, Tense & Point of View

The tone was soft and clear, showing the state of mind of the jester well. The sentence structure and repetition of certain words both worked well to aim this piece towards children, as well as set a mood of fun exploration as the jester started his journey.

The point of view and tense seemed to be fairly consistent throughout.

Plot/Theme

The plot was quite intriguing, especially for my kids. They were interested in why a jester would want to be boring (in their words), and they were more than ready to make their own guesses at the end as to whether he would decide to stay funny or not in the end. Personally, I look forward to seeing how the plot plays out. Most times in this sort of story the main character will find he liked being just the way he was, and of course learns a great lesson along the way. *Smile*

Characterization, Imagery, & Setting

The characterization of the characters was done well for the age group you are targeting with this piece. The inner thoughts of the jester allow the reader to see his personality a bit, and his reactions to others when they laugh at him reiterates the concept that he wants to be normal, not funny. I would like to see a description of him, myself, but I can't see anywhere here where adding it would complement the flow.

I think the setting worked well as it is for this age group. When I questioned my kids about where they were, they didn't hesitate to tell me. Good work.

Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling, etc.

*Bullet* And this he indeed carry out with high praise.
Consider 'carried' rather than 'carry' to maintain the tense.

*Bullet*Well on his way was the court jester by morning.
This sentence seemed a bit too repetitive to me. Consider 'He was well on his way by morning.'

*Bullet* I’m a court jester you see?
Consider a comma before 'you see'.

*Bullet*It was then, that someone other than the giraffe began laughing loudly and profusely,...
The comma before 'that' seems to break the flow of this sentence.

*Bullet*Once more he was on his way to find someone who would not laugh at him—if this was at all possible.
The word 'this' at the end creates present tense. I wonder if the word 'that' would keep it more constant? See what you think.

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

All in all, I think this was a good strong start on a children's book. The plot line was interesting, and the main character was likable. I look forward to reading more.

Thank you for posting your work and allowing me to comment on it. If you do not agree with my suggestions, that is just fine. They are definitely yours to do with what you wish. *Wink*

Happy Writing!

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Review of Gypsy Moon  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hiya, Jimbo !

*Candleb*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews*Candlev*


My Personal Impression:

I enjoyed reading this piece. The concept used was original, the tone was seductive, and I found myself lulled by the rhythm. Nicely done.

Tone & Mood:

The tone used in this piece was soft and seductive, allowing for the reader to flow through the gypsy's dance with ease, and I found that it set a dream-like mood of love and passion, as well as longing and want. It was very effective.

Emotional Impact:

There was an emotional connection as I read this poem. I could sense the longing to love and be loved, as well as the physical connection between the two. There was a great balance between the two different elements.

Rhyme, Form, and Flow:

The rhyming sequence was nicely done. The words chosen were obviously well thought out to produce both a great flow and constant meaning while allowing a vivid experience for the reader. The imagery used was clever and effective. I especially liked the last line:

Glass for an ego with a porcelain heart, living only for your tender touch.

It showed the blind faith with which he loved the gypsy. Well done.

Suggestions:

*Bullet*For she has come to meet me in our secret place,
Consider omitting 'meet'. For me, it flows smoother without that word, and I think the meaning remains intact. See what you think.

*Bullet*Her hearts song is traced by her hands and her hips,
The word 'hearts' should be 'heart's' because it is the possessive of 'song'.

*Star*In Conclusion*Star*

All in all, a very enjoyable poem. The flow was smooth, the images were clear, and the emotion was tangible. Well done. I look forward to visiting your port again soon. *Smile*

Thank you for posting your work and allowing me to comment on it. If you do not agree with my suggestions, that is just fine. They are definitely yours to do with what you wish. *Wink*

Happy Writing!

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162
162
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hiya, Wordwing !

I found this piece on "Invalid Item. Thank you for posting for us to read and review!*Smile*


My Personal Impression

I liked this. I found it interesting, to say the least. I liked the name for the elven court. As far as I know, Illaria means 'cheerful' in Latin. It fits for Elves, I think. *Smile*

Tone/Mood, Tense & Point of View

The tone was mysterious and foreboding in the first chapter. The dialogue between Verian and Darius worked well to enhance the impression and set an expectant mood. Nicely done. The section of the second chapter was too short for me to get a real feel of the tone.

The third-person point-of-view with past tense was consistent throughout. *Thumbsup*

Plot/Theme

The theme seems to be good vs. evil, but it is too soon to comment on how it is moving along. There was some good foreshadowing to indicate that Verian and Darius will have a hard time convincing the woman who is to be the savior of their world, and I am sure it will lead to many interesting situations. Nice.

Characterization, Imagery, & Setting

The characterization of Verian and Darius started on a strong note with their conversation in the woods. They both have a distinct voice, allowing the reader to be able to see which one is speaking without needing too many dialogue tags. I have one suggestion regarding their dialogue, which I have included in the General Suggestions area. Otherwise, I found their dialogue believable and interesting. The use of subtext allowed for it to seem natural, and imparted extra meaning to what they said.

The imagery was really well done. I could see the area in both scenes very well, and I could feel the scene in the first chapter. You used more than just sight to appeal to the reader, and I think that is very important in producing a vivid experience. All senses are important, and you have done well with that in this piece.

General Suggestions

In the first paragraph, I noticed the word 'seemed' was used a few times. That section is rich in imagery and creative description, and I think it would enhance the flow if you considered using alternate words. It felt a bit repetitive to me, but it also made it seem wishy washy, as though it seemed like these things were there to experience, but really weren't. I think using more concrete words would allow a more vivid experience for the reader.

Consider reducing the use of 'ly' ending adverbs. They have a tendency to 'tell' when the author means to 'show'. It creates a more active feel to the work if you can describe the reaction rather than using an adverb to 'tell' the reader it is happening.

This isn't a suggestion, perhaps more a comment. I noticed that the chapters are pretty short. I wonder if a few scenes could be put together to create the first chapter? Or perhaps you are using short chapters for a reason. *Wink* I just thought I would mention it.

Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling, etc.

*Bullet*Telling a girl who up until now believed herself nothing more than a mere mortal that she is the key to saving not only her own world but an entire world that she doesn’t even believe exists as well is only going to be a bit difficult.”
Consider removing 'as well' from the end of this sentence. It seems to disrupt the flow a bit.

*Bullet*“You know, for an Elven lord of the Illarian Court, you seem to relish finding the dark side in things. I thought that was my job.” Darius said, grinning. Verian scowled at him.

“Bah! What of the traitor? Have we made any progress in identifying the bastard?” Darius shook his head, grimacing.

“None at all. Whoever it is, they are very skilled at covering their tracks. At least we can be grateful that we, as her guardians, are the only ones who were entrusted with her identity.” Verian rolled his eyes again.
In this section, the person doing the action is not the person speaking within the paragraph. It is best to place the action with the same paragraph as that person is speaking so the reader doesn't become confused about who is talking when. The sentence 'Verian scowled at him' could start the "Bah!..." paragraph, and the 'Darius shook his head, grimacing' could start the next one. If this doesn't make sense, just let me know and I will email you a full explanation.

*Bullet*Veraia Sloan moved silently through the wood,
Consider adding an 's' on the end of 'wood' because it is indicating a grouping of trees.

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

All in all, this is a good strong start on what appears to be a great young adult fantasy. The characters are realistic and likable, and their conversation drew me in and sparked my curiosity. I look forward to reading more. *Bigsmile*

Thank you for posting your work and allowing me to comment on it. If you do not agree with my suggestions, that is just fine. They are definitely yours to do with what you wish. *Wink*

Happy Writing!
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163
163
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hiya, SWPoet !

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I hope you have your towel ready! *Wink*


My Personal Impression

I loved reading this piece. I was nodding my head through most of it, thinking, 'Finally, someone wrote about what I feel!'. My favorite line:

I am a woman who craves silence in her soul but does not allow the soul to rest.

Tone/Mood

The tone in this suited the title well. There were a few emotions, I noticed, and though I would normally find that confusing, it worked really well. I could sense strength and independence, but also fear and a sense that something was missing.

Form, Flow & Rhyme

The flow in the free-style poem was very good. I found the sentence structure to be smooth and easy to read, both silently and out loud. There was definitely more punch to it when read out loud. There was no rhyming sequence, but I think trying to incorporate one would have taken away from the content. The repetition of 'I am a woman' worked very well to enhance the natural rhythm.

Emotional Impact

I found that I related to this piece on a personal level. I can't count how many times I have felt that my emotions are contradictory. Life seems to take over sometimes, and a feeling of being lost settles in even though everything is technically on track.

Suggestions

I am a woman with music in my soul, words at on my fingertips,
I think the word 'at' is extra in this sentence.

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

All in all, a wonderful read. The emotion was raw and real, the rhythm was steady, and the overall message was thought provoking and honest. I look forward to reading more of your work.

Thank you for posting your work and allowing me to comment on it. If you do not agree with my suggestions, that is just fine. They are definitely yours to do with what you wish. *Wink*

Happy Writing!
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164
164
Review of Dreams of Flying  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hiya, WizardofOwls !

I found this poem on "Invalid Item. Thank you for posting for us to read and review! *Smile*


My Personal Impression:

Depression is a heavy topic, and I think you have done a wonderful job at giving a peak of what the disease can do to a person. I really like that you have not only shown what it feels like, but you have shown here what it feels like to know you want more, to know that the depression is what pulls you back. Many people who have depression cannot see that their struggles are not always self-inflicted. In only a few lines, you have managed to show quite a bit. Nice work!

Tone/Mood

The tone in this piece was both pensive and earnest. I could sense the despair of depression in the words, but also the desire to be free of its constraints. I'm having trouble finding a word to describe the mood, to be honest. It seemed to me as though the character felt like it was wishful thinking. Kind of like seeing something you want in the store but never being able to buy it.

Emotional Factor

I was moved by this piece. I think almost anyone who has experienced depression will feel the emotion coming from this piece and wish they could help. Depression is a horrible thing to suffer through, and this piece reminded me of what it feels like to be lost. But, the ending of this piece offers hope. The first step in combating depression is to acknowledge that it is there, and that you want to have a different life. It may not really help at the time, but it is the first step.

Form, Rhyme, and Flow

I have to say, I don't know what the form is, but it was effective. The rhyming sequence was wonderful, and I found the flow smooth. I read this out loud several times, and I didn't have any trouble with the wording at all. It flowed easily from my tongue.

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

All in all, this was a powerful piece. The emotion was clear, the flow was smooth, and I believe many people will be able to relate to this piece. Well done!

Thank you for posting your work and allowing me to comment on it. If you do not agree with my suggestions, that is just fine. They are definitely yours to do with what you wish. *Wink*

Happy Writing!

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165
for entry "The Masquerade Party
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hiya, Carrie Ruvio !

I am more than happy to offer my reactions and suggestions for this piece. However, please keep in mind that these are my opinions, so feel free to disagree.
*Smile*

Since you stated that this is fragments of the novel you wish to write, I'm not going to go into grammar or punctuation. Those things are meant for a final edit, anyway. *Wink*

Normally in a review, I go through several aspects such as tone, mood, point of view, plot, characterization, etc. to show the author how the story touched me as a reader. However, since this isn't a full story, I am going to change things up a bit.

Honestly, I think what you have started here has some great potential. Your command of expressive language is very good, and I found myself pulled into the mind of this woman quite easily. I could sense her confusion and inability to cope, and I could relate to it in many ways. You used great figurative language to get across what you were trying to say, and it was effective.

Now, if you are wanting to develop this into a novel, then I have a bit of advice for you. Feel free to take it or leave it as you see fit. *Smile* First of all, grab a paper and pen (or word processor and keyboard, whichever you like best) and give the woman a history. Write down what her childhood was like, who she was friends with and why, who she trusted, who she didn't, what her greatest fear was then, and so on. This is important when developing a character because she has to have motivation to be the way she is. I think you will also be surprised to find that several more fragments come to life in your mind as you do this.

I know several writers who write a series of fragments over a period of time, and then string them all together later on. It's not important to write it in order the first time around. What is important is getting your ideas onto paper. The more of them you write down, the more you will find the story coming together in your mind.

Personally, I write until I get stuck, then I leave if for a few days and re-read it later, Sometimes I find more ideas coming, and sometimes I have to sit down and write an outline of the events that I want to happen. I think the most important thing is not to feel discouraged that it's taking time. Writing a novel is a daunting process, but it should also be fun. If your ideas run out on one idea, skip over to another. One other thing that can help is to write some short stories. They are challenging, but they also help to show you what works for you and what doesn't without having to invest a whole lot of time to do it.

Anyway, that's enough rambling for me. Keep going with this story, for sure. You definitely have the talent for it. *Smile*

Thank you for posting your work and allowing me to comment on it. If you do not agree with my suggestions, that is just fine. They are definitely yours to do with what you wish. *Wink*

Happy Writing!

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166
166
Review of The Sacred Heart  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hiya, NickiD89 !

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I hope you have your towel ready! *Wink*


My Personal Impression:

I found myself intrigued by the description, so I stopped in for a read. I have to admit, I found this piece thought provoking and emotional. The description asks a moral question, one that this story illustrates very well. What is the answer? I don't think anyone knows for sure. I suppose that is why it makes such a good read. It makes the reader think about what they believe, even if they don't think they have an opinion on the subject. Nicely done.

Tone/Mood, Tense & Point of View

The tone in this was personal, ambivalent, and a touch anxious. I could sense Thomas' need to enter the pub without attracting notice, and the fact that he stopped before entering showed me that he wasn't proud of what he was going in there to do. The call he makes after the game showed me why. I liked the mood. There were quite a few emotions present for me, and I think that enhanced what the end result was regarding the theme.

Plot/Theme

The theme in this becomes clear at the end, and I found it really well done. The concept of 'the ends justifies the means' has been something I've seen quite a few times in short works, but I don't think I've ever seen it shown in quite this light before. This piece takes that theme and cuts straight to the heart of it, then leaves the reader with the question of whether or not the character was right in doing what he did. I could tell you this, if I was in his position, I'm sure I would have done the same thing.

Characterization, Imagery, & Setting

For how short this story was, you did an amazing job with the characterization and setting. The use of figurative language such as metaphor allowed for the reader to feel the weather, see the inside of the pub, hear the voices of the men around him, as well as the emotions that Thomas himself was feeling. There was no need for blocks of exposition because you sprinkled the descriptions throughout the piece, granting an all around look at what was happening. Well done.

Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling, etc.

I didn't notice any errors. *Thumbsup*

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

I really enjoyed reading this story. It fit the prompt very well while also delivering a great message. I think what I liked the best about this was that you didn't answer the question of whether the end justified the means outright, but rather let the reader take the information provided to come to their own conclusion. I read through this a few times, and it affected me each time. I love it when a story can make me think about the bigger picture, and this one definitely did that. *Bigsmile*

Thank you for posting your work and allowing me to comment on it. If you do not agree with my suggestions, that is just fine. They are definitely yours to do with what you wish. *Wink*

Happy Writing!
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167
167
Review of Cheating  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hiya, ~*Arpita*~ !

I found this piece posted on "Review Me List for WDC Power -ON HIATUS. Thank you for posting it! I am more than happy to offer my reactions and suggestions for this piece.
*Smile*

My Personal Impression:

First of all, I have to commend you for writing this essay. I recently had to explain why cheating was bad to my children, and man, do I ever wish I would have had this to use! As it was, I had both my twelve-year-old and nine-year-old read this, and I think they came away from it with a much clearer understanding of how even little tiny cheats can escalate and become a serious problem, not only in school, but in the world as a whole. A great lesson for children.

I think the use of specific examples was really great. I found that it showed the reader what you meant in a clear and understandable way. Associating the concept of cheating with a larger theme was a great idea, and I like the examples you used. They were accurate and easy for most people to relate to.

The structure of this essay was very good. There was a clear introduction, body, and conclusion, giving it a nice sense of completion once I was finished reading. Good work!

One thing I wonder is what age of children this was being aimed at. For my two, they had some trouble with some of the words and concepts. Both of them said that after reading the whole sentence that contained a word they didn't know, they were able to figure most of them out, but I thought I would mention it anyway. If you are aiming at a higher age, then disregard that. *Wink*

Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling, etc.

I found a few things that I would like to make a suggestion on. They are as follows.

*Bullet* I am a high school student here and I will present the most common form of cheating first-cheating in tests.
When two independent clauses are combined using a conjunction such as 'and', a comma is required before the conjunction. Here, both parts of this sentence could stand alone, so a comma would be appropriate. Also, consider a longer break around the dash so that it does not appear as if you are using it to make one word, kind of like 'daughter-in-law' uses them to become one idea.

*Bullet*their answers might not be exactly accurate as the student who is copying them straight from the books.
Consider taking out 'exactly' and replacing it with 'as'. In this case, the use of the adverb is unneeded, I think, because you go on to say the answers were from the books, which would already indicate that they were exact.

*Bullet*Even the person who cheats somehow gets his own confidence lowered. He might be ashamed of it and feel guilty about his misdeeds.
Consider taking out the 'somehow' here. The reason I think this is because you give an example of why they would be lowered, so it seems like it is contradicting the fact. Perhaps reword it so that it is presented as a fact, rather than a maybe. I hope that all makes sense!*Wink*

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

All in all, this was a great read. It was nicely structured and written, informative, and convincing. I look forward to reading more of your work. *Bigsmile*

Thank you for posting your work and allowing me to comment on it. If you do not agree with my suggestions, that is just fine. They are definitely yours to do with what you wish. *Wink*

Happy Writing!

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168
168
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
Hiya, warriormom!

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. *Smile*


My Personal Impression

This was a fun read. I enjoyed seeing the world through Jess' eyes. As I usually do with family stories, I read this one to my nine-year-old daughter, and she wonders if there's going to be more. *Wink* She wanted to experience the circus with him, I think. *Wink*

Tone/Mood/Tense/Point of View

The tone was done nicely. The words were infused with Jess' curiosity and excitement, and it transferred to a great sense of anticipation as we waited for the circus to appear. I found a tendency to read faster once he spotted them from his look-out, and I noticed then that my daughter also became intrigued and eager to see it. Well done.

Jess' point of view came through very well and was consistent throughout the story. His emotions were evident in the descriptions, as well as his thoughts. There was a youthful excitement that really rubbed off on me as I read.

Plot & Characterization

I loved how you used his actions, reactions, and thoughts to show his personality. In a very short time, the reader was shown his dreams for the future, as well as his opinion on his present life. The quotes from his parents helped to give a sense of the kind of people they were, and the fact that he was hoping his pa wouldn't change his mind at the end showed that he obeyed and respected them.

The plot line seemed to be left open at the end a bit, but the main objective of the circus arriving was met in a satisfactory way. I do hope to see this story continue, though. There could be a lot of great morals to be learned through Jess and his eagerness to experience life. *Smile*

Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling, etc.

Well, I looked over this a few times, but I found only this one suggestion:

*Bullet*What could be better than seeing a real live circus?"
There's just a quotation mark out of place at the end of this sentence.

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

All in all, this was a great read. Jess' character was shown in a realistic way, and the time setting was achieved nicely though the sentence structure and descriptions. My daughter and I had a great time reading this together, that's for sure! As always, it was a pleasure to read your work. *Wink*

Thank you for posting your work and allowing me to comment on it. If you do not agree with my suggestions, that is just fine. They are definitely yours to do with what you wish. *Wink*

Happy Writing!
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Thank you Black Willow *Heart*


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169
169
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hiya, Brockers !

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. *Smile*


My Personal Impression

An intense chapter, overall. I like seeing several different perspectives. It allows the reader to think about what is happening, rather than having to guess. I find it very interesting to try and figure out the connection between all of the characters. The ending of this chapter was great. It left me in suspense, knowing that something bad is coming, just not knowing what. Nice.

Tone/Mood/Tense/Point of View

The tone was pretty good. I found the first section to be a bit too objective. I had a hard time pegging the emotions of Mike and Erica. I know she appeared very distraught, but I didn't 'feel' her emotion. However, seeing through her perspective in the following section worked well, and I could easily sense her personality and emotions. The mood through this chapter was tense, and later on, suspenseful.

I found the tense and point of view quite consistent. The only thing I really noticed was that the use of the word 'had' became quite a bit through the sections when the character was remembering past events. I know it is important to keep the past tense continual, but I think there were quite a few areas where the 'had' could be removed because the verb used was past tense, which eliminates the need for the extra confirmation. If you would like a better explanation, feel free to say so and I will include some examples for you to show you what I mean. *Smile*

Plot & Characterization

There is so much going on with political intrigue and emotional reactions that there is always something to keep the reader going. So far, I am thoroughly enjoying the plot line. Not only do they have the aftermath of the assassination to contend with, but there is a new threat looming, as well.

Mike's character is coming along very well. I feel as though I am getting to know him through his actions and his thoughts. He has a good heart, but he doesn't have much faith in himself. I am sure he will be tested through this story, and I look forward to seeing how he deals with everything. He is stronger than he thinks he is.

I'm not sure about Erica yet, but there wasn't a whole lot about her. Her emotions and thoughts were in keeping with what I would expect for someone dealing with a death, but I am interested to see if she is what she seems to be.

One thing I would like to suggest is to expand the section where Mike is at the dinner party. There was a lot of 'telling' in that section, and I found myself almost skimming the information instead of paying attention to him meeting and learning about Emily. I think showing that information through their dialogue would be a lot more gripping for the reader. Also, you may consider breaking this chapter into two parts to receive more reviews for it. I know quite a few members who can't review this long of a piece simply due to time restrictions. Something for you to ponder. *Wink*

Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling, etc.

*Bullet*According to the news a record number of callers had phoned the police,...
A comma after 'news' would be appropriate because 'According to the news' is an introductory phrase.

*Bullet*Mike’s attention caught Erica Shaw standing at the front doors...
Consider saying, 'Erica Shaw caught Mike's attention...'.

*Bullet* and often got given the numbers of the young locals,...
Consider, 'and was often given the numbers...' to smooth the flow a bit.

*Bullet*She loved him so much, but now all she had was memories.
This statement seems a bit out of place because it is in a section that is coming from Mike's point of view. This seems like Erica's point of view. Consider placing this with Erica's POV in the following section.

*Bullet*Max the Husky ran up to her and jumped up,...
Consider removing the first 'up' to reduce repetition.

*Bullet*...where it was only slightly less busy. Ethan joined her and bent slightly to hear her;
The double use of the word 'slightly' in two sentences close together here felt a bit repetitive to me. Consider replacing one with an alternate word.

*Bullet*She’d been engaged to him for eighteen months and they’d been together for two and a half.
Consider adding 'years' after 'half'.

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

All in all, this was a good chapter. The plot moved along well, as did the development of the main character, Mike. I am liking him more and more as his personality becomes more rounded and realistic. His vices are starting to come through, and I think that allows the reader to connect with the character on a more personal level, and that can only be a good thing. I look forward to reading the next chapter. *Bigsmile*

Thank you for posting your work and allowing me to comment on it. If you do not agree with my suggestions, that is just fine. They are definitely yours to do with what you wish. *Wink*

Happy Writing!
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Thank you Black Willow *Heart*


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170
170
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hiya, Yellow Rose !

*Candleb*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews*Candlev*

and...

Thank you for all the reviewing you do for WDC members. You are appreciated!


My Personal Impression

I loved this piece. The image used in this poem was a perfect accompaniment for your pure message of what you would do if there was only six weeks left. The things you have chosen to complete your life with whilst waiting for your place in Heaven are loving and show just how much you treasure your relationship with Him and your family. So wonderful. *Smile*

Tone & Mood

I thought there would be fear present in this, but there was only love, contentment, and a sense of being right with Him. The mood was wonderful. I found it hopeful and inspiring. Nicely done.

Flow/Form/Rhyme

The flow was very good in this free-style poem. I found it rolled off my tongue in smooth progression as I read it out loud. There was no set rhyming scheme, but it sure didn't any rhyme to complete it. It was wonderful as is.

Suggestions

I just have one. The first line on the third stanza didn't seem to fit with the rhythm of the others. I wonder if something like, 'I would write to all my children' would work? Just a thought for you to ponder.

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

All in all, I thoroughly enjoyed reading this piece. It was nicely written and contained a beautiful, inspiring message. Well done! *Bigsmile*

Thank you for posting your work and allowing me to comment on it. If you do not agree with my suggestions, that is just fine. They are definitely yours to do with what you wish. *Wink*

Happy Writing!

~A.J. Lyle~
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171
171
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hiya, NayNizzy. !

*Fire* Congrats! You're receiving a gift from "Invalid Item ! The Nuclear Package has been ordered for you and includes a mix of six reviews of any items in your port!! Enjoy! *Fire*

I am more than happy to read and review your work. My comments are my opinion, so feel free to disagree. *Wink*


My Impression

Oooh, I enjoyed this poem. It was much different from what I'm used to, and it worked very well. Not only did you use an acrostic part way through, but you also managed to add an interesting section with the words 'Everything must end' while maintaining the flow of the content. I have no clue how you did it, but I sure enjoyed it!

Tone/Mood

The tone was condescending and arrogant, as I assume the kingpin would be. I think it added to the mob-like feel of the piece on the whole by showing the reader his attitude towards others, as well as towards his capture. I loved the ending. Even though he is in jail, he is still in control. Nice. The mood was established with the great use of tone and word choice. I found it dark and mysterious.

Form/Rhyme/Flow

The form is definitely free style, even though there is an acrostic for money, as well. *Wink* I didn't notice any rhyming scheme, but I also didn't see a need for one. The flow was really quite good. It was a bit different than a normal poem that flows on and on, but it suited the content very well. The use of short, dramatic lines added to the overall feel of the piece.

Suggestions

*Flower1* One thing I noticed with this piece is that there is no consistency on whether the beginning of the line begins with a capital or not. In the beginning, all lines were capitalized, but then in other areas, capitals were only used for the beginning of new sentences. My suggestion is to make it consistent, one way or the other.

*Flower3* My only other suggestion is to use a comma at the end of the first line to increase the flow.

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

All in all, this was a great read. I enjoyed the free style of this. You used your imagination and guided the content to form the style of the character you used. I thoroughly enjoyed it. Thank you for sharing this and allowing me to read and comment. *Smile*

Happy Writing!

~A.J. Lyle~

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172
172
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hiya, Brockers !

I stopped by your port today because you were kind enough to send me a review, and I wanted to return the favor. *Smile*

I am more than happy to offer my reactions and suggestions for this piece. However, please keep in mind that these are my opinions, so feel free to disagree.
*Smile*

This was an impressive first chapter. The read was very smooth for the most part, and I found the political details described in a way that I could understand. I am not a very political person, to be honest, and I was a bit worried that this would be above my head. While there is a lot of information in this first chapter regarding the political set up, and I can see that you know your facts regarding politics, I wasn't confused by it at any time. I think this is important because it has to be understandable to all classes of people. You have managed that. Well done.

The tone was consistent and clear right from the beginning. I found the mood to be solemn and resigned with a healthy dose of mystery. I think it worked well to show the reader just how well loved Ethan Brooks was while also interesting the reader in knowing who did it. The party he formed was definitely a 'for the people' kind of party, and he managed to create a large following. I think this was a smart move in this story. It gives the reader something to relate to, regardless of where they are from. I don't know anyone who is happy with 'government' at any given time, and the thought of a regular guy making a difference is something that will interest many.

The plot line seems to be strong so far. Ethan, a well loved political figure, was assassinated, and now the other parties, as well as the remainder of his own party must find a way to continue his dream. Also, since his death was murder, there is definite intrigue as to who did it. I look forward to exploring the possibilities.

Daniel Campbell came across as self-assured with a stubborn streak. He definitely has his own views on what is and isn't acceptable in politics, and though he displays a proper amount of upset over Ethan's death, it was more in regards to the mess it made of everything rather than any personal emotion. Mike, on the other hand, came across as properly grieved over his friend's death. He stood up to calm the people down which I found admirable. His emotion came across as genuine, but I haven't discounted him as a suspect, either. Part of the reason I like these kinds of books is the mystery of it all. *Wink*

The dialogue between characters was realistic and flowed well. I became involved in their conversations easily. The only piece of dialogue that felt a little forced was the mother's statement, but I think that could be just because I didn't get a feel for her character first.

I have a few suggestions. They are mostly minor suggestions for you to take or leave as you see fit. *Smile*

General Suggestions

*Bullet* Consider giving this item a content rating. When there is no rating, it will not show up on the main WDC pages, which will mean fewer reviews.

*Bullet* This item type is set as 'Critique'. I suggest you change this to 'Chapter' in order to gain more reviews.

*Bullet*In the fourth paragraph, there is a long section of dialogue from Campbell. Consider inserting a few actions to break up the monotony of the speech by showing the reader the scene as he speaks. It could be something as simple as him smoothing his hair or looking at a piece of paper.

*Bullet*There was a game of one upmanship between the two.
This is personal opinion, but I think this statement is too blatant. The fact that they seem to try to one-up each other is something the reader could determine for themselves without the need to read it directly. The fact that he was repeating news already known indicates such a situation, and one or two more times of it between them would give the reader this understanding in a more active manner. Something for you to consider.

Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling, etc.

*Bullet*into a conference room in ten Downing Street.
I think that 'into the conference room at ten Downing Street' would flow a little easier.

*Bullet* These assassins left nothing to chance, according to the police a total of two hundred rounds hit the car.
Consider breaking this up a bit for more impact. For example,
These assassins left nothing to chance. According to the police, a total of two hundred rounds hit the car.
I placed the comma after 'police' to show that 'According to police' is an introductory phrase. I also think this gives the first statement more punch.

*Bullet*After two years of canvassing the public in Sussex and donating money received to worthy causes aimed at improving life for its citizens, calls had been made for Ethan to start a political party, now called the Positive Revolution Party.
I had to read this several times to get what it was saying. I think perhaps it is just too long. Consider breaking it up a bit for easier reading. For a quick example,
After two years of canvassing in Sussex and donating the money to worthy causes, calls had been made for Ethan to start the Positive Revolution Party.
I think the other details could easily be woven into the narrative a little at a time.

*Bullet* He had lived fairly comfortably.
Consider dropping 'fairly'. The use of two adverbs back to back seems almost repetitive. I think perhaps a stronger word could be used in its place. Perhaps 'quite' or something along those lines.

*Bullet*his mum and dad, brother and sister-in-law, their two daughters and Ethan’s sister and brother-in-law and their two sons.
Consider substituting a comma for the 'and' before 'Ethan's sister'. Since this is a list, I think only the last items should use an 'and'.

*Star*In Conclusion*Star*

All in all, I think this was a very strong first chapter. The main characters were introduced well, the intrigue was set, and the reader was left wanting more. Good work! I look forward to reading chapter two. *Smile*

Happy Writing!

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173
173
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hiya, Vivian !

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am more than happy to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


This was a nice, bitter-sweet story. The tone was soft, allowing for a smooth, hypnotic feel to the narrative as she recounted her memories of Pepper and all of the things he had done for her as a child. Her memories were realistic and believable, which made the story seem to ring true. I think this will allow the reader to experience more of the emotion behind the memories.

The ending was done well, showing the reader that the character would be able to see the dog that reminded her so much of her Pepper. There was a touch of fond humor, which told me that her and her neighbor were close friends. This also created more of an emotional connection for me.

I have a few technical suggestions. They are as follows.

Suggestions

*Bullet*... and five-weeks-old Pepper licking my face.
I think 'weeks' should be 'week'.

*Bullet*He stiffed and then licked it.
I think 'stiffed' was meant to be 'sniffed'.

*Bullet* I also can't remember myself her entertaining me while my mother hung clothes on the line to dry,...
I think there is a word missing or extra around 'remember myself her entertaining'. It doesn't quite make sense.

*Bullet*The next thing I remember is my dad shouting to someone, "I found her."
I think 'is' should be 'was' because the event was past tense.

*Bullet*The word 'apparently' was used twice to start a sentence quite close together. Consider changing one in order to reduce repetition.

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

I enjoyed reading this story. I found it quite emotional, especially considering the short length. The use of her memories worked very well to grant a clear picture of the relationship she had with Pepper. Well done. I look forward to visiting your port again soon. *Smile*

Happy Writing!

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Thank you Black Willow *Heart*


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174
174
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hiya, Tina B !

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am more than happy to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


This is a clear piece of flash fiction. The tone was soft and consistent, allowing the reader to see that the thoughts were sincere, and the mood was set nicely with the use of her internal thoughts, showing the worry she was experiencing. The use of images such as her shaking hands, clenching the phone and the remote, and her heart dropping all added to the emotion by 'showing' the reader what she was experiencing. Nicely done.

I feel the plot line was explained well. For such a short word count, you managed to get across a lot of information about their lives, as well as what kind of people they were. The fact that she worried also about her neighbors shows that she was a loving person who interacted with those around her.


Suggestions

*Bullet*...she was creeping along with traffic towards Atlanta, while he tried to comfort her with...
I don't think this comma is necessary because 'while' is a subordinating conjunction.

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

All in all, I found this piece very effective in showing the emotion indicated at the bottom. I didn't need to see the prompt to see that she was worried about her husband and her friends. Good work! I look forward to reading more of your work. *Smile*

Happy Writing!

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Thank you Black Willow *Heart*


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175
Review of I Am  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hiya, Tony !

This review is being made on behalf of Showering Acts of Joy. We hope you are enjoying your shower!

I am more than happy to offer my reactions and suggestions for your work. Please keep in mind these are my opinions, so feel free to disagree.
*Bigsmile*


My Personal Impression: This is a really great showing of what kind of person you are. You admit that you are kind and sweet, yet you worry about doing the right thing in God's eyes. This shows maturity, as well as a great set of morals and beliefs. I enjoyed how you used the senses to show what you feel, see, hear, touch, etc. It gives the reader an all around idea of who you are. Also, I noticed that there were some parts that were like an look inside, such as the first line in the second stanza. It showed that you are very aware of yourself, and who you intend to be.


Rhyme, Form, and Flow: I found the flow smooth. I read this out loud a few times, and I didn't find any areas where I stumbled. It read nicely. I am not sure about form since I'm not really knowledgeable in that area, but it seemed like free verse to me.

Suggestions:

I have no suggestions for this piece. *Thumbsup*

*Star*In Conclusion*Star*

From reading this, I think I can safely say that you are well on your way to being a wonderful man. Not many people your age have such a clear view of themselves, and I think it will serve you well as you make decisions in your life. *Smile*

Happy Writing!

~AJ
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