It was written in a way that I could identify with the family which, of course, drew me into the story. It was an absolutely riveting story!!!
Were There Any Errors I Noted
In the second para., 3rd line..."But by the time my father died suddenly and unexpectedly..." I would suggest simply making that "...died unexpectedly" as the word "suddenly denotes the very same thing.
In the para. beginning, "Pearl promptly left..." In the third line, the sentence, "Mike was encourage by this apparent improvement in Dad's condition." You forgot the "d" on "encouraged" {On a personal note, I just have to say I experienced the very same thing with my mother the day she died.
In the para. beginning, "In the meantime my brother continued running Dad's business, continued doing business..." It will read great if you just drop the second "continued".
Nearing the bottom, 6th to the last para: "She never investigated the assets that were turned in to the bank... Very small suggestion..it would read better to say the assets were turned "over" to the bank rather than "in".
4th para. from the end..." we know thatvengeance is mine, sayeth the Lord..." Just need a space between "that" and "vengeance".
Did I Learn Anything From This Item?
Oh goodness, I could just put myself right into the family picture. Pearl is an exact duplicate of my sister..wanting her share of everything. Never there to help or encourage...just take, take, take!
This was written so well that it was easy for me to slip into the picture and feel what you were feeling and experiencing.
General Comments About This Item
This was a blue-ribbon story. You've conveyed all the players both inside and outside of the family in a crystal clear way. I felt like I knew each one of them and felt so bad for your you.
My dad and mom, who owned a successful business, both died within six months of each other and I will never forget the nightmare of weekly trips to their home after they died to literally take care of business, get their home cleaned out and sold, etc. It is a monumental task, as you well know.
My sister, of course, was of no help yet she was right on the phone to me if there was any discussion of the estate! I'm just glad you all came out strong after that long ordeal. I wrote a book about my 2-years of struggle...I called it "The Silent Cry" since my parents' wishes were ignored the entire time they were in State Custody. I quickly learned being their Guardian meant absolutely nothing when I couldn't make decisions that reflected their wishes.
Keep writing!! I know how difficult this must have been for you to write, but stories like mine and yours need to be told.
Hi Tammy,
It is my pleasure to review this important article that you wrote.
What Did I Especially Like About This Item?
You sure hit on a topic that is a problem nationwide! I don't trust any one of those ads...heck, they appear in newspapers, on television, radio...I hear or read them constantly. They apparently have plenty of money to pay big advertising bills! Of course, they probably got most of their money scamming innocent, hardworking people!
Were There Any Errors I Noted
In the 4th para. from the end..."because banks was turning us down." The word "was" is singular and would be used with "bank" but "were" is the plural you need there.
Third para. from the end..."We was..." should be "We were" to keep both words in the plural.
And in the 2nd para. from the end..."Because of these people and there lies...
The word "there" should be the other one, referring to people..."their"
Did I Learn Anything From This Item?
I sadly learned that our government is allowing these loan sharks to operate in every town and city in our country! What a shame that truth in advertising cannot be insisted upon.
General Comments About This Item
I liked the way you laid this out, with the timeline. When I learned this shady business was using a Milwaukee address, I got even more heated. I'm from Wisconsin and it makes me so mad to think my old stomping ground is apparently fertile ground for deceit and illegal bus. operations.
The closing line was the very best. I was so relieved and happy that weathering this horrible storm brought you and your husband closer together.
I love this! It's simple yet speaks volumes all at the same time.
The personification of Mother Earth is truly something every living, human being needs to both consider and be considerate of! The next time I see someone throwing litter out of their car window, or doing something to pollute our air, I will think about your poem.
Your complete honesty and your ability to help the reader genuinely see who you are and the problem you faced in college with prejudice and fear from the students and staff. I'm sure writing this was also a big help to you personally, just to air
your feelings, explain your situation, etc.
Were There Any Errors I Noted
It is hard to write, especially when greatly motivated to tell a story such as this, without typing errors. I will point out the errors I came across as well as make suggestions/comments, so you can address them when time permits.
1. In several areas of this item, you have used the word "weary" when it should really be "wary"...when people are suspicious and feeling unsure of a person.
2. In the third para. you have written: My dad asked me what I had thought about what had happened. Note that in the last part of the sentence, you've used the word "had" twice. It will read better if you delete the first one.
The very next sentence reads, I told him that it was just one of those things that happened, and all anyone could do was hope it didn't happen again." It would be great if you replaced one of those with a different word, such as "occured" or "occurs."
3. This is not an error, but I just had to comment that I loved your touch of humor in the line "In the words of Homer Simpson...." I could really identify with that, having been the "Dope" on more than one occasion myself.
4. You did a great job of telling about the interrogation..how you felt, etc. I could easily relate to the situation because of your excellent writing about it.
5. You made a good point when you said most Americans can't see the difference between a Korean-American, a Chinese American I'm not sure which is more correct, but I noticed you used a dash in the first one and not in the second. I would suggest being consistent in that one spot.
6. A little typo in this line, nearing the bottom...{A conspiracy began to chrun in my mind." Note the word chrun which should be "churn".
7. In the 2nd to last para. the word assumtions has "p" in it,..."assumptions"
I thoroughly enjoyed reading this piece, and I'm glad you took the time to write it.
Keep writing!!!
General Comments About This Item
This was a well thought-out, well written essay prompted by a situation you, personally, had nothing to do with. Yet it shows so clearly the tendency for people to become suspicious and point fingers.
I learned a lot about you personally as you revealed yourself in this sensitive essay.
This was an excellent piece of writing! Perhaps I tuned into more than some might because at 62, I could identify with a lot of what you wrote. I, too, was raised in a strictly Republican household, and while my little city of 40,000 did not even have one black person living withing it's city limits, I had clearly been taught that they were second-class citizens.
Looking back on my childhood city with today's eyes, I feel both shock and shame that such descrimination existed. When entertainers of another race wanted to perform in our city, they were allowed in to do their act, but were not allowed to rent a motel room or spend the night within the city limits.
Can you imagine???
Just as you later experienced life in a city where prejudice didn't rule, and came to know and appreciate those of other races, I had the same experience when I graduated from college and became a social worker in 1968 in Michigan...where a great many of my clients were not white. Yet we shared an important link...we were both people{.b} and we shared very common goals, desires and love for our families.
Positives
Your writing is both informative, clear and free of errors as well.
I was particularly drawn into the last several sections where you wrote of your pride and joy of welcoming "a black man" as our new President. It really was a tear jerker!
Your final line is short but speaks volumes in that not only we, of the United States, but also scores of people around the world, are in accord with your words. And to your final line, I can only say "Amen and Amen!"
In Summary
It was my joy to read and review this, and I thank you for writing it.
You did a good job of expressing the emotional agony of being separated from this man who was so loved. It was apparent from beginning to end that he would not be returning.
Were There Any Errors I Noted
In your second para. note the beginning of the second sentence: To be able live without me.. That would read more correctly if changed to "For him to be able to live without me..."
Midway through where you use the word "Angel" that should be a small "a" as it is not a specific angel.
General Comments About This Item
I felt the writing was well done in as much as it draws the reader into the emotions of the situation quite well. I easily formed a mental picture of this woman and her sadness as she longed for this lost love.
Welcome to WDC...I am so glad you found this wonderful site. Please continue to write and read what others have written as well.
And if you have any questions, feel free to ask!
While I think you have a great idea with sharing your epiphanies, concepts and experiences, I must caution you to
use words that will be readily understood from a 10th grade level reader and above. That is the generally accepted level of
writing which is used in most publications.
Even I, with a BS degree + some graduate school, had to re-read what you have shared in some of your sentences.
I look forward to seeing more of your writing, and wish you the best in your quest for publication.
WDC is a great place to "test the waters" and to learn from reading what others have written as well. Have fun browsing the site
and if you have any questions, feel free to ask.
In such a short poem, you have imparted a lot of truths.
The great sacrifice Jesus made for every one of us is something many of us do not come to know for a long time.
I especially liked the last section, about the tears running down his momma's face where she received the comforting words
from Jesus that he would meet her ..."at my Father's place."
Suggestions: The one main suggestion I would make is to put a space between the poem's sections, i.e. after:
.........Run down his face.
.........He died for you and me
.........They said he was dead.
********
I'm so happy you have become a member of WDC. If you have any questions about this huge site and it's many writing
opportunities, don't hesitate to ask!
This is excellent ! Your list of what you would do if you could relive your earlier life, is very thorough and varied.
Your listing covers several things that would apply to me, particularly "laugh more and worry less" , "make time to read more",
and especially "relive my childhood with enthusiasm and energy..."
Obviously we cannot make the clock turn backwards. Literally every human being has some regrets about things they
have said or done in life, and I'm sure I am not alone in having said many times, "If only I'd...." We are all so human and
learn in hindsight.
Reminiscing can be a real "downer", but that's where we have to try to make today and the many tomorrows we have left count
to the fullest.
I'm sure all who read this item will reflect on their on lives and contemplate positive changes. This was a great read!
This was a fun story to read. Knowing this was a first year teacher, right from the start, compelled me to read further.
Being a new teacher is stressful enough, but to have the principal address the problem adds even more stress to the story. She maintains
a face of confidence in his presence yet inwardly, she was surely feeling nervous.
The story achieves what the teacher wanted quite nicely after the boys fight over the truck, as they now befriend each other to jointly complain
about their teacher.
The ending made me chuckle because of the possibility of worse problems developing, lol.
While I have little experience with sonnets, I found this to be a very truthful look
at the comparison of "family" vs. "live-in".
Many youth today, even many adults who have already experienced failure in
a family, are opting for "live-in" to keep the relationship free of any "strings!"
I think many young adults, in particular, have become afraid of the word
"committment", which of course is what marriage is all about. I do believe, however,
that a family can still exist outside of marriage when children arrive on the
scene, as then father, mother and child truly are a family...it is just outside
of marriage.
I couldn't help but chuckle at your last question..."Is family such a difficulty?"
I must admit that when my son was a teenager (especially at 16 and 17)
my ability to parent was severely challenged to a point that I felt like running
away, lol.
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Thankfully he became human again shortly before his 18th birthday and is
now a loving son again with a wife and two sweet little ones.
That was different! Kind of interesting to here three totally different stories, all from different perspectives, of the very same morning!
My Comments/Suggestions
The first of the three stories was well written but it was the only one which did not actually have a closure to it...I would like to see an ending for it.
Billy and Gary's story was well written and reached an appropriate conclusion...the retreated into the tent to wait for the fog to lift. I also liked the inclusion of Gary hearing someone from across the lake crying and calling out something he couldn't make out. I am assuming what he heard was his sister calling for the dog.
In Harvey's story, I do have a few suggestions:
1. Beginning of second para. "Heard you heard..." Rather than repeating that word twice in such quick succession, I would change that to: "Word has it you heard..."
2. This sentence is a bit awkward: "The fog was as thick as Joe here’s coffee. " You could just omit the word "here's" and then it would read smoothly.
3. In the next line of the same para., you've said, "Right out of that move..." note that should "movie" rather than "move."
Oh my goodness, how intense and gripping! I felt like I was right there in the catacombs ... in the darkness...knowing I was sharing the eerie place with the bones of those long departed! I eagerly read each line of this excellent poem.
As for one noted spot where I think the wrong word was used...it is in the 2nd to last line of the second section, where you were talking about the sign ..."the lured me forward" "the" should actually be "that" since it was the sign that lured you forward.
You have done an excellent job of putting the reader in those catacombs, visuallizing the skulls with their yellowed teeth....the flashlight that suddenly plunged you into darkness.
OMG, this is just soooo funny and perfect in every way. I absolutely love the way you put this together...
It is the most "original" piece of writing I have ever read if memory serves me.
I have absolutely no suggestions as to changes, nor do I have any errors to point out. Quite plain and simply, reading this just made me laugh and started my day out in a very positive frame of mind.
Harry, you make me laugh. I knew I just had to review this one because I grew up where pigeons are in abundance. They really are messy birds and not one I had ever considered beautiful, but your experience has made me re-think them.
They are all God's creatures...and actually, much preferrable to some of the creatures He has created...such as Slugs, Wood Ticks, etc, lol.
I guess when we get to "comparing" one creature against another; as in pretty versus ugly, etc. we deprive ourselves of being open-minded and thus deprive ourselves, period!
You sure were on target when you wrote this. The virtues Uncle Sam once exhibited to the world have sadly been trampled upon and replaced by a most scary Uncle Sam.
You've made excellent use of imagery...I particularly liked the following lines:
1. “You’ve changed. We are all afraid of you now.
Where once you stood for truth and fair play,
for peace and honor, those you now disavow
2. “Now you tell lies about
others as the spark into warfare to embark'"
3. “You run foreign prisons, denying legal rights
to your detainees. A climate of fear
you maintain to justify ignoring your own
Constitution"
ALL SO TRUE!!!
The last few sections of this poem, unfortunately, fall more into the category of "wishful thinking" as more than anything, the citizens of the USA would rejoice and throw a party to the hilt if Uncle Sam actually did see the error of his ways and become the old "Uncle" we all knew, loved and RESPECTED!"
This is a poem that questions what most everyone on WDC would likely also question. The atrocities of both the past that occurred many years ago and those of more recent years...to include the 9-11 horrors, were committed by people who's mind is seriously out of the range of what society considers "normal."
You might want to update this by adding a section of the 9-11 horrors. What a senseless loss of life. One can only wonder how the radicals that flew the planes were motivated into thinking killing on a mass scale whilst killing themselves would earn them a place in some "divine" kingdom?
Oh wow, this was ever so delightful to read, and perfect in every way. As I do not want to spoil the reading for any others who may happen to read my review, I will not give away the ending to this poem.
I will write you a personal email regarding my more in-depth feelings about it, but I think you did a really awesome job with this...easy to read, easy to form a good visual picture of each section...I loved it! I highly recommend others to read/review it.
This is an absolutely wonderful folder! The sign noting whose desk it is has the same antique color as the picture of the desk. That desk brought memories back to when I was a young child in the 40's and 50's.
The poem beneath the picture just perfectly conveys the importance that writing holds for you and how that antique desk provides great motivation in moving you to write. The last two lines were a most fitting conclusion...I absolutely love this folder!!!
Phew! How gripping this has been to read. Those of us who were in the military but were not in the action, (I was stationed in Germany when the Viet Nam War was nearing it's end was proud to be serving my country, but I could never in any way, shape or form identify with the soldiers fighting...often for their very life, in Viet Nam.
Your story brings home a lot of the reality of the situation in Iraq, which literally brings tears to my eyes when I pause to think and pray for those currently over there.
Thank you for taking the time to write this troubling, but important story. I'm happy you have joined the WDC group...and look forward to reading more of your items.
This is one of those stories that truly tugs at the heartstrings. I think you told the story quite well and it certainly held my interest clear through to the end.
I would, however, suggest you put a line space between each paragraph to make the story more readable.
As for changes/errors:
1. End of the 1st para. the sentence, " You know what I mean just be thankful for the little stuff." Use a comma after "mean". You can always pretty much know where a comma belongs if you read your work outloud, because where a comma is needed, you will find yourself naturally pausing slightly.
2. In the 4th para. ...your sentence, "Like her half sister, she had no white markings she was just as stout and muscular, just slightly smaller. "
Change the second "she" to "but" unless you want to make a second sentence all it's own beginning with "She was..." Also, need a dash (-) in the beginning of that sentence....(half-sister).
3. At the very end of that para. "Chris told daddy.",,,daddy needs to begin with a capital letter there...Daddy. If you have any questions about this correction, I'll be glad to explain further how to know when to capitalize and when not to.
**********
I would like to welcome you to WDC ...it's a huge site with so many excellent writers. If you have any questions while trying to get your "feet wet", just let me know.
Wow, Judy, I could really relate to this piece. It mirrors my life in so many ways it's uncanny.
I like the way you've laid this out and you've given it the perfect title. When I look at all the varied individuals in this world and their achievements, or lack thereof...some in poverty, others richer than rich...some doing well, others constantly failing to make a positive connection with something that will bring happiness.
I remember hearing that term about "how the cards are dealt." Kind of makes me think we have no choice in the direction our life takes. Yet I'm just stubborn enough to refuse to accept that and continually search ways to have more UPS than DOWNS.
This was written very well and sure gives the reader a lot of cause for honest thought! Great job!
That was an absolutely lovely story. In this day and age family members are so often busy and off doing things apart from the family, that little unity is felt. This is a very "feel good" story that shows the importance of family spending time with family.
In the second paragraph, I want to point out two incomplete sentences that need to be merged into one complete sentence. It is where you wrote, "Even if he wanted to take me. What if I got sick and ruined the trip?"
I noted no other errors that that one.
The detailed account of your big fishing trip with your dad serves to really draw the reader into the events...the drive there with your dad, what you saw, what you did, etc. I felt like I was right there with you.
Actually, it brought back some very pleasant memories for me as well, of our yearly summer vacation where my dad and I went fishing on a small lake located right outside our cottage.
I found it touching to know your son followed in your footsteps and wanted to go fishing with you when he was twelve.
I used to be a social worker and there is a lot of truth to the adage, "The family that plays together, stays together."
I think it's a good beginning to a story...it gets right to the point!
Were There Any Errors I Noted
Suggestions:
I would suggest using a comma after "heavy-lidded eyes" in the first paragraph.
You have described the doctor somewhat..but we have no idea who his patient is. I would suggest that at the end of the first paragraph, you give at least a little description of his patient.
For example: The young woman, her hair disheveled, looked at him blankly, as she sat in the leather chair across from his desk.
Where she replies "Jump, run, jump, run." I would give that more emphasis by using {!'s) instead of commas. "Jump! Run! Jump! Run!"
This is something that is scaring her so it needs to be more emphatic.
In the next sentence identify the doctor as the speaker after the second sentence, i.e. ...What do you think this goat will do?" the doctor asked, his brow furrowed.
In the next para. where she says, "I run from my room upstairs and run to the kitchen door...", the words "and run to" can be deleted as we already know she is running.
Did I Learn Anything From This Item?
At this point in the story, I have learned this patient is afraid of a recurring dream and is trying to understand the meaning of it by visits to a psychiatrist.
General Comments About This Item
I think this can be a good story when completed, but the main things you need to follow through with are identifying the speakers along with adjectives that help describe their attitudes and actions so we can know who is saying what and get a visual picture of their demeanor.
Keep working on it! It has a lot of potential.
Judy
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It was an absolutely riveting story!!!
Judy
