Awesome!!! You are so "right on" about everything and I really appreciated the link to the interview with Ron Paul.
Because he has a very different philosophy of how to deal with the mess we are in, many will fight him tooth and nail, but he sure exhibits a lot of sound thinking and the US needs a man like this.
Way to go girl! My husband and I did foster care for about six or seven years while my son was growing up. Literally every child was different and we learned a lot of "creative" parenting to deal with their individual needs.
And you sure are right...it's not something done for the money! All that money plus more pours right back into caring for the kids.
Noticed just one little error in your second line of the first para...."three movies in a roll.." where you likely meant to say "row".
Welcome to WDC. Hope you'll love it here! Some awesome groups and scores of wonderful people.
The story is quite detailed and the way you've woven it together kept me reading -- I had to have answers as to what was happening.
The only thing which held me back from rating it even higher was various spelling and minor grammatical errors.
Rather than point them all out to you, I would suggest you slowly read through your story sentence by sentence and you will find most if not all of them. If you should have any questions though, I'd be happy to help.
Oh gosh, that was superb! With the picture you included it made the poetry really come alive.
The thoughts expressed were so innocent and real -- sad in a way that the mind's eye loses so much of the simplicity and beauty of life when childhood is over.
One little typo I'll point out to you. Note the last line of the section which reads, "In royal repect" Your fingers missed the "s" in "respect".
The story line was compelling enough for me to read clear to the end of it. There's always something about suspense and mystery that is intriguing.
The ending is cool.
There are just a few items I would suggest:
#1 - Put a blank space between paragraphs. Spacing always helps to make things more readable.
#2 - Re-read your story slowly and spot the areas where you use the same words (notably "dark"). Rather than using the same word frequently, try rewording your sentences to use other words that indicate the same thing.
You definitely hold the attention of the reader because the reason behind her stress was not fully evident until the very end.
The very first paragraph "compels" the reader to find out more.
The story presented a good deal of "mystery", drawing on my "curiosity" as to what these caculations, glyphs, symbols and icons were all about.
Your use of varied descriptions (ex. "plastic cubes of the keyboard" "the puzzle danced menacingly" were excellent, a very nice diversion from the "run of the mill" phrases that are so common.
Kind of like the salt and pepper we use on food to give "flavor" to our food.
Lastly, I loved your humorous wrap-up as to what this mystery was all about.
It gave me a laugh, probably in part because I could identify with the story -- I play computer games too.
Yes, I guess you were having a bad day. Hopefully you don't have too many of them as I love to see people happy!
What you said in this brief discourse, however, is very "right on!" My first marriage was to a man who was very much like the one you have described here. For my own sanity I had to eventually end it and find a "normal" person.
I enjoyed reading this and hope you will continue to write more. Your "WDC" family welcomes you with open arms!
You've done an excellent job of describing the "mother" in you. As a grandmother to a little one and another on the way, my heart couldn't help but grieve for the one you lost at 10 months.
While I wasn't looking for errors, I couldn't help but spot one and will point it out to you. It's a very common error so don't feel bad.
It's in the second to last section -- the word "except" should be "accept".
I also admire your ability to not be angry with God for letting that little one pass. Many people would be extremely bitter.
I hope you will find many friends here on WDC and I hope to read more of your writing in the near future.
Thank you for sharing this touching story with us here on WDC.
It is a story that sooo many of us can identify with, and you shared it beautifully. By explaining the things "grandma" enjoyed, said and did from her younger days to the present, helped make her that much more "real" to the reader as well -- a mark of good writing, in my opinion.
Only error I noted was in the word "miss-diagnosed" which should only have one "s" on the beginning part- simply mis-diagnosed. Actually, that's a tricky one and the more you look at it, the stranger it looks.
Other "mis" words are "mis-guided, mis-lead, mis-managed.
Having a background as a CNA and working in hospice for a number a years, I was especially interested in your grandma's experience the night before she died, where she was so alert and definitely saw something or someone from the "other" side. I've witnessed similar incidents with patients in their final moments. It's a blessing to behold!
What a touching story. You wrote that very well.."down to earth" where the experiences you related were so easy to identify with. So very sad..to lose someone so young. Back in the 50's medical science didn't have the wonder drugs they do today where the survival rate of childhood cancer is much higher today.
I remember so much about that time period. I was a bit older but sure remember how pants could get stuck in those darn bicycle chains! I had forgotten all about those times.
I have no doubt Jimmy is never far from you even now and perhaps still watches out for you.
The heavy fear, and the inability to call out -- the scene is well laid out and one that many people can relate to.
Fear literally does have the ability to render us incapable of moving, screaming, etc. The imagination plays just a big part in helping those fears magnify to where they are huge and overwhelming.
In the second line of your second para. note the section, "...I here the creak of a floor board ... That should be "hear" rather than "here".
I like the way you set "I know it's them" apart the last two times -- it helps to increase the emphasis behind those words.
In your beginning line, "The silence the eerie chill." I would put a comma after "silence" to cause the reader to pause briefly, contemplating both the silence AND the eerie chill which is brought on by the silence!
The picture painted by the entire scenario is quite dramatic and the way you wrote the last word, "alone" in red, helps emphasize that.
This is one bit of poetry that I think could easily be developed into a more in-depth story. What you have written here is a perfect beginning to make a reader want to read more.
Welcome to the wonderful world of Writing.com and I hope you will enjoy being an active part of this great community of writers.
A very emotional piece, one that is so easily identified with in this day and age, where so many little children are distraught and confused at learning their "daddy" will be moving out!
What makes this poem particularly good is the three repetitive sections that address the child's sadness
and need to hear that she will always be special and loved by her daddy.
Even though it has been many, many years since I was a child, I remember the horrid fights my parents had and my father's love as he held me tight while I cried with my face buried in his chest.
You've done an excellent job of capturing the emotions at play in a family where discord seems to reign.
Welcome to the wonderful world of Writing.com! Judy
You've put a nice variety of pictures in this album. It was quite moving to see the pic of the Missing Child photo - when taken and when found. What an experience for your family to have endured!
Did you ever learn the details of who took you as a young child and why? I'm just glad you were returned to your family and that you've become a productive, caring adult.
I am so glad you took the time to write this, and I know exactly the emotional output it took to do so. Your story brought back so many memories from when my parents were both needing me to be there for them.
Quite frankly, I would have to consider you nothing less than a "hero" -- and a definite "ANGEL" for the long term care you have provided for your mother. Her life has been enriched simply by your ability to be there for her.
It is certainly never easy to be the "parent" of one's parent, and I will surely keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Judy
What a creative way to explain just who you are! Now you've got me thinking about what "flavor" I would be, lol.
I like the question you ask, "Who defines normal...?" And truly, we are all unique -- even identical twins!
I especially like your third section about thinking and having doubts. Especially when we see others who dress, talk or act differently from us, we are quick to judge them without even knowing them at all!
Your closing lines paint a lively, positive outlook.
I really enjoyed reading this. You've communicated your thoughts very clearly and I hope to read more of your writing.
Quite a "heavy" subject, and all too familiar in society unfortunately.
I like your song lyrics, especially the part near the end about giving the woman "a hand full of grace" rather than turning the other way and pretending to not see her.
I have just one little comment about this section in the beginning, "Broken bones causes pain..." Because "bones" is plural, the next word needs to be "cause" rather than "causes."
If you have any confusion about why just ask me and I'll give you a better explanation.
Music and songwriting are a wonderful way to communicate with people. I hope you keep working on this and I hope your friends mom is ok!
I think you have expressed and put into words the very things that many people are "thinking" but not "talking" about.
The "Title" will likely come to you when you least expect it. Quite often the harder we try to think about how to say something, the less we succeed. So, just write what is on your heart and mind, and whenever a possible title comes to mind, jot it down -- it seems guaranteed that when we don't write something important down, we ultimately "forget" it! Also, you can also change your title anytime something better comes to mind.
Let me point out just a few rough spots I saw while reading and re-reading this.
#1 - The very first sentence, "These words..." In your mind, being the writer, you know what words you are speaking of, but to the reader it is somewhat unclear. I would suggest you try to clarify that in the very beginning. Where are you hearing them -- by whom?
#2 - In line four, "...strip me off all my hope." I believe you meant for "off" to be "of".
#3 - Two lines beyond that, "...driving society in a hurse." Spelling should be "hearse."
Overall, this is a very sad picture of the hopelessness that is felt by so many about the world today. So many of us feel helpless to change anything for the better.
Your prologue is good in most respects. It provides enough knowledge for the reader to know what the story is basically about, and it also provides enough interesting twists to make the reader want to keep reading into the book itself.
One thing which I felt might make the prologue layout is to break that one big long paragraph down into about three. The two most obvious places to begin a new paragraph would be #1 - "...with that prophecy" (line 4) ; and #2 - beginning with "Mankind is struggling..."
The only other thing I would caution you to limit are sentences beginning with "But..." While we often do talk that way, it really isn't proper, especially in writing.
I'll go on to your first chapter then and send you my review of that.
You have a good opening paragraph - it causes the reader to want to read further. Overall, this was a very enjoyable story to read. I will point out just a few little things I noticed.
In the 4th para. regarding the radio..."Because of the angle it was standing on, on the seat," That reads just a bit awkwardly. I think it would be quite clear if you just say, "...angle at which it was standing on the seat,"...
End of that same paragraph - "...I rang out of songs... I believe you meant to say RAN rather than RANG.
Note that where Ouma Dolly takes her place behind the wheel, there are three paragraphs in that section but they do not have the space between them as all the others do. I would do so to keep your writing consistent.
I had to laugh at her attempt to drive the car with the clutch. Ohhh, that whiplash - I could just feel it. And I could relate totally to the exhaustion you would have felt after 12 hours of driving! (been there, done that!) - nasty.
Nearing the end where you spoke of the varied speeds Ouma was traveling at, you've written, "That in it self..." Note that "it self" should be just one word -- "itself".
***********
It was my pleasure to read your story. Not only was it interesting and informative, the use of humor makes it even more appealing.
Good Job! I'm glad you have joined us here at WDC and look forward to reading more.
A well thought out argument, and one which will likely be debated for many years to come by both todays citizens and the historians of the future.
Your writing is good and was what you were saying was easily comprehended. I will point out only two thing:
#1 - end of the fourth line in the first para.
the last word, "sake" I believe you meant to
say "safe".
#2 - The layout will look better and read easier, if
you separate each paragraph with a blank space.
Your closing line states leave the reader with something substantial to think about. "Without security, we are not safe, but without liberty, we are not Americans.
That was quite heavy and should leave at least a temporary effect on any readers who happen to face a similar situation.
Your writing clearly shows how hindsight, while excellent, can do nothing to cure the heart of the pain it has suffered -- particularly when we have a choice in the matter.
The last line of the paragraph beginning, "I dared not..." where you write,"...I received that dreary call. I would change the word "dreary" to "dreaded" as that better fits the situation. The word "dreary" fits better with cloudy, rainy weather as opposed to a phone call advising us of bad news.
In the beginning of the final paragraph, I think you meant to say "second chance" rather than "second change."
Other than those few areas, it reads well and gets the message across quite clearly.
While you've painted yourself as one who cares nothing about other people, based on what your contest was about, I think you did a really good job with this.
It was so far out of normalcy that it was funny, with each incident being like a rung on the ladder, enticing me to read about the next incident.
I would like to point out just a few errors.
#1- the very end of the first paragraph. "...I’m sure I’m to cause many a heads to. Heads to what? Turn?
Also, notice it should read "many a head.." or "many heads.."
#2- in the para. where you walk into your office building. ...press the up bottom." Pretty obvious you meant up "button"
Keep up the good work.
Welcome to WDC and I hope you will fill your portfolio full of more interesting stories.
Judy
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