Quite an emotional piece. I read it through a good number of times and will share my questions/comments beginning from the start.
#1 - I followed the scene in the first section quite well until I got to the line, "The tight red rope of love." I will admit to confusion from there until the end of the first section -- the mind "disinfected" with love, and then the walls with the words that colored the "disinfected squares".
One small typo in that first section, 3rd to the last line .. should be "hold" instead of "hol"
#2 - The second section, while ever so sad, is quite clear.
#3 - Just two typos in the third/last section. Fourth line from the end, you meant to write "imagine" rather than "image."
Second line from the end--you missed the "a" in ..."say it".
All in all, you put forth a good effort writing this. I'm sure it wasn't easy to write what with all the memories that likely surfaced.
Welcome to WDC! It's a wonderful place to hone your writing skills. If you have any questions, just ask. I liken it to a magnificent castle with many varied corridors and rooms. Explore all it has to offer!
One thing that would greatly improve not only the readability of the story, but also the "mind picture" the reader develops, would be to describe the main characters in this.
While I'm aware of Gracie, the Hunter and the young man, I cannot visualize them. As the writer, you can see them because you developed them, but now the reader needs to be able to see them through your eyes for the story to have the impact it should.
Other than that, I think it has a good deal of potential.
There a lot of reality in those simple lines. There is also a vast ocean of difference between what is portrayed in the first 2/3 of this as opposed to the last 1/3.
Much easier, perhaps, to follow the majority who would go with the response to lash out, hold back forgiveness, etc. - but rarely the right response.
The last four lines show the positive response and even though that may be the hardest way to deal with life, it is by far the best.
Oh wow, what a tribute to this dear lady. Can't imagine all the changes she literally did see. My gosh, she was even a child already during the Spanish/American War!
What memories she must have held within her heart and mind.
Well, I think I would have liked a slightly longer poem, but after reading it through thoughtfully five times, I began to see a broader picture -- the one (as seen through the first line) and the other (as seen through the remaining three lines.
After comparing those two pictures in my mind, I decided I really do like the second view of Christmas with the snow falling and the cold weather. Actually, a perfect picture of Christmas.
Gosh Barbie, those words could have been written by any number of us who have experienced what you describe here. Your words, but they give voice to many many others.
It sure describes the exact emotions and feelings I had when the father of my son finally bailed on us and I lavished the peace we finally had with him gone.
People can be ever so cruel. Not that I'm an angel, but I try very hard to think about what I'm going to say before I actually say something I will regret.
Words DO hurt when they are unkind and cutting. It never ceases to amaze me how people who don't understand will say, "Don't let it bother you." Yeah, right!
I totally agree with you Barbie. Not that they are long enough to tell a lot, but even just a few glimpses into the person helps me feel more "connected" to them when I review their writing.
I make a point of reviewing a lot of the newbies on WDC and so many of them have not yet set their bio-block. It really leaves me feeling kind of empty, sort of like going into the house of a total stranger, because I don't know anything about who they are.
Your writing of this was excellent -- the only thing I wished for was a few more shared moments, like the one para. which began, "A pin spot of light..." That was a very compelling sentence which just "demanded" the paragraph be read.
From that point, if you could have added a few more such paragraphs, from other strong parts of that performance, I think it would have presented a more compelling case for the reader to indeed, see it!
By the way -- is that performance still anywhere to be seen -- whether in person, on video, etc?
Not pleasant to read, but quite grounded and on target! Seems like there is ever so much truth to the old phrase "for every action there is a reaction".
In little things of life that may not pose a major problem but where countries are concerned, it is obvious how huge the problems can become when a group of people, or a nation "react"!
That was quite an interesting read. I was kind of curious to read it--in part because of your love for the darkness -- something so totally opposite of me. Darkness has never been my friend and I am always happier in the daylight -- especially when the sun is shining.
As far as setting your bio block - you can put anything about yourself that you wish in there that you want people to know -- where you are from, what your interests are, most anything.
As I read through it the story, there were a few places where I found typos -- and I a few that I wasn't sure about because I noticed words that indicate a European leaning as well. (I have a dear friend in England and know some of our words are spelled differently). I will, however, note the ones that I felt sure were needing a fix. - from beginning to end.
#1 - First para. - second line (oppinion) - "opinion"
#2 - " - last sentence(chose 2x) - "choose"
#3 - Para. beginning, "What are you doing?" you mention the "odd incling" - should be "odd inkling"
#4 - Para. beginning, "It's a free country.." - two "r's" in "interrupted".
#5 - 3rd para. from end - "eachothers" - "each others"
#6 - 3rd para. from end - "excersize" - "exercise"
#7 - 2nd para. from end - "sparing" - "sparring"
#8 - 2nd para. from end - "eachother" - "each other"
Once again, I liked your story. It was interesting to watch the development of interest and caring between the two characters.
That's really thought provoking!
Short and to the point, yet quite meaningful.
It is something we all should do at the end of each day -- sometimes, of course, it might be heavy on the negative side, but even then, at least we would be able to see the streaks of positives that filled the day as well.
Cool idea! I love it.
Welcome to WDC. It's by far one of the greatest writing sites on the web.
You did a nice job describing the arrival of Fall and the changes that come about with the falling leaves. It was interesting because I have noticed the very same things where I live and could really identify with what you wrote.
Unlike you, however, I live waaaay north of the Mason-Dixon line and just today we had more snow! Not to my liking -- at all!
Welcome to WDC, if you have any questions about the site, feel free to ask.
I absolutely loved the way you put this all together. Each little section about the families members was brief and to the point, yet adequately told the story.
I think I especially liked the progression of the headings as you told the story. Original and very effective.
This is a cute story, and before I go any further, let me just say I like ending #2 the most. It will make future chapters, which I think would be very fitting for this, much more intriguing to write and enjoyable to read.
Now I will comment beginning from the start to the end.
#1 - In the first paragraph,"She always helped her Mum." Try to avoid using terms like "always", "never", etc. as those words are too all inclusive. Better to say "She was a big help to her Mum."
Likewise, in the same paragraph, ...She had a younger Brother ..." The word "Brother" should not be capitalized. Brother is a generic term so only capitalize specific names, like "Teddy", "Mother" etc.
#2 - There are also a number of sentences in which you need to use commas. One of the best ways to identify these places is to read the sentences out loud to yourself. Anywhere you would put in a natural pause, that will likely be the place a comma is needed.
Two main examples: #1 - "Sheppey the family dog enjoyed chasing the stones into the water and trying to find them." At the least, I would put a comma after "Sheppey" and after "dog".
#2 - "Mum always made an extra big Christmas dinner and this year Poppet and Teddy ate it all up even the Brussel sprouts and asked for seconds. A comma is sorely needed after "ate it all up, even..."
#3 - In the few instances you capitalized the F on Fairy, those are not needed.
I think with a re-write to touch up the rough spots, you will have quite a charming little story.
You said that very well. Brings with it a twinge of pain thinking back to when I lost my father, but I agree with just everything you said.
Felt bad for the time he killed the cat as well. As an adult I have been in that situation and felt it was my fault, but later realized, of course, that whoever owned the cat had failed to do their part by keeping it safe. The cats my husband and I have are all kept indoors. I intend to keep it that way!
I cannot suggest anything to make this better and am looking forward to going into the link you provided at the bottom of the story.
That was very interesting and made some excellent points.
Education, Marriage and the Family -- truly these things have suffered for the very reasons you stated so clearly.
And I loved the ending, where the Fire-Fighters could not achieve what they wanted. Truly the Body of Christ is too strong to be beaten down by any man.
Actually, that was a very understandable story that I think was presented quite well.
There is only one line I would change, down where she was wearing a sweater on a very hot day. The line, "So the world would know she’s sane" That one kind of jumped out at me and I thought it would be better to say, "So the world would deem her sane." That, of course, is what she wanted the world to think.
All of the rest flowed quite well. I think you did a good job with it.
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I think this is a good start, but I would like to see the story developed a bit further, perhaps who May and Raven were, how long have they known each other, and maybe a bit about the classroom assignment they are working on.
In the second paragraph, it would be good if you could avoid the double usage of "May". Her name ends one sentence and begins the next.
I will admit I was a bit confused about the relationship between the two of them. In the beginning Raven was quite hostile to May, and she, in turn, was rather afraid of Raven.
By the end, after May had been kind to her, then it all switched around completely. Perhaps this is what you meant to do as I noticed the statement "If you tell anyone about this, I will kill you." was first uttered by Raven and later by May.
One last thing I would do is put a blank space between your paragraphs to give the reader some "breathing" room.
The story seems to have good substance to it. Just do a re-write to polish it up a bit now.
It kept me reading clear to the end which was good. That's an essential element in good writing -- to keep the reader interested.
There is only one main concern I have with your writing -- and I think it may be the result of you getting the story written "too quickly". It is very important for the "tense" (past, present, future) of a sentence to not vary within a sentence. I'll try to explain w/ a few examples from your story.
I looked around for something that can be used to stop her insanity Notice the words ("looked" and "can be used"). Looked = past tense/Can be used = present tense.
To keep it all one or the other it should be looked/could be used
Colin was petrified and I can’t count on her at the moment. In this one, "was petrified" - past tense, and "can't count" - present tense.
To keep the tenses the same should be, was petrified/I couldn't count
If you re-read through your story slowly, as if you had never even read it before, I think you'll pick up on where other little errors exist.
Overall, I think the story line was quite fitting for this time of year and the plot was both evident and interesting. Just polish it up a bit and it'll be even better!
That was excellent Trudi. And I must admit I learned a great deal from your article. I love knowledge but it is the one thing I never get enough of.
Often when I read about something new, it is of the "bare bones" variety, leaving me hungry to know more when I reach the end. Your article, on the other hand, was very rich and full and left me satisfied.
Oh my goodness. I never would have dreamed there could be so many different "types" of in-laws. This smacked a lot of reality actually, but was hilarious at the same time.
I am short on time right at the moment to where I can't go through and point out where there are spelling errors, and such. But I think if you were to read through it slowly you would catch a lot of them on your own. I will tell you one - the pill which so many of the "in-laws" were also once hooked on in their younger days is "Valium, not Vallium."
Great idea you had with this though. I would think it would make a wonderful magazine article. Have you thought of trying to get it published?
Well, reading this as a mother, the words hit hard and I could easily feel the drama within this poem.
Sad thing is, it portrays such a true picture found within many homes this very day. Sons and daughters on the wrong road, the mothers who bore them overcome by grief.
And the ending was ever so sad, with her first-born now gone!
Well, this was interesting and I could identify with a lot of what you wrote. I would imagine many of us could!
Actually, sounds quite typical of the lives of most everyone I know, give or take just a few.
One thing you can do to make this more readable, would be to use capital letters for starting each word in a sentence and when writing specifics, like "Saturday", "Castaway" - the program, etc. and do use commas, etc. in places where you would pause if you were reading this aloud.
You seem to express yourself quite well, but some of what you are wanting to relay to the reader, is getting lost in the sea of words. The first and last paragraphs are both rather long and if you can split them into two each the "sea" will appear more as a small "lake" -- more readable.
Judy
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