Hi Carlene,
I would like to welcome you to WDC and hope you will thoroughly enjoy being a part of this awesome writing group.
Before I get into pointing out individual things in your story that need a bit of attention, please let me say that I think your ability to put a complex story such as this together, is wonderful. I enjoyed all the emotions and thoughts that the main character displayed and by the end of the story I felt like I really knew these people.Your descriptions were strong as well.
I have rated this based mainly on story content. As someone with a lot of editing experience, however, I also have pointed out many of the areas I saw which need some attention. One suggestion I would make is for you to slowly re-read your stories after writing them, sentence by sentence, outloud, to see how they sound. By doing this, you'll easily spot places that need commas and such because you will pause in your reading of it.
The parts of your story that I'm calling attention to are in blue, my changes in black. Any questions - please feel free to send me an email.
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1st line of 2nd para. - would have even acknowledge a question" Being in the past tense, (have) - need a "d" on the end of "acknowledge"
Very end of that same para. "...more like damnation rather than a reprieve." the word "rather" is not needed and I would delete that.
Near middle of next para. ...No it wasn’t a cold chill,," Need a comma after the word "No"
ALSO,
Last line of that same para. {c:blue{..dinner and drinks the same they did every Thursday night." Need a word between "same" and "they" Could be "same as they did" or "same thing they did".
Next para. "They're sex life..." That should by "Their" rather than "They're"
A bit further down -- "She hand was already on the way to the fly..." Should be "Her hand.."
At the stoplight after the Camaro came up aside their car. "She didn’t acknowledge him she was too busy..." That runs together too much. I would put a period at the end of "him" and begin a new sentence.
At the restaurant."She didn’t acknowledge him she was too busy..." Need a comma after "him".
After realizing she'd said something stupid while sitting at the table in the restaurant...I’ll be back.” She offered and got up to leave. This reads as one sentence - after the quotation I'd just put a small "s" on "She".
Regarding the wording on the back of the business card--"...muscle car restoration, cute.” I think the wording on the card likely ended with "restoration" rather than "cute". Should probably read, "...restoration." Cute!
Back from the restaurant, in bed. "...Egyptian cotton sheets she thought about her “cousin”..." That doesn't read right. Read the entire sentence and you'll see why it's awkward. To fix it, try saying, "...cotton sheets, thinking about..."
Beginning of next para. "...he was already asleep blond hair falling..." Need a comma after "asleep".
Same para. "...Lena lick tequila out of her navel messing..." Need a comma after "navel" to keep it from all running together.
A bit further down, "Darrell was just a figure head she did all the real..." This is running two thoughts together - can either end one sentence after "head" and begin a new sentence, or could put a dash "head - she..."
In the next para., "...bar tender" . That is just one word, "bartender".
Next para. first line, {c"blue} "...with out" That's also one word, "without"
Also, on the phone to her friend she could hear, "...in the back ground" Another one word, "background".
Down several paragraphs, where Matt had woken up somewhat, ...She rolled him on to his back captured his mouth for..." The word should be "capturing".
The very next sentence, "Her eyes closed she could vividly see Chance there golden brown eyes hidden behind his thick dark lashes." This needs commas - the most likely places being after "closed" and another after "there".
The sentence beginning with "The pace was reaching a fever..." is quite long and needs either commas or you might want to make that two sentences.
As they were talking about Laura, where Georgia is thinking, "small infatuation this had substance to it." Need a comma after "infatuation".
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Again, I enjoyed reading your story. Please keep writing, I'd love to read more!
Judy
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