Some really heavy stuff. And truly, life will never be the same. I was fortunate to be a part of the military when it was peace time - late 70's. Reading your account is excellent -- in a time when life goes on seemingly without a care at times, this ought to be published in every newspaper on the front page in the United States.
Thanks for taking the time to write it and share it with all of us a WDC.
Very good. Let me offer just a few suggestions that I believe would make it even better.
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In the end of the first paragraph -
"The problem was the fight had gone out of him. He had a contract to uphold, so he had no choice."
#1 - to make it apparent that (fight) in this sentence did not mean the obvious fist to fist contact, I would set that word off in quotes or put it in italics to make it obvious we're talking about his inner spirit.
#2 - I would make that one sentence instead of two, as in..."out of him, but he had no choice as he had a contract to uphold."
#3 - After the first round, "The warm blood ..." Just nix the word "the" and begin with "Warm blood..."
#4 - As Johnny grew confident and was boxing well, in your sentence, "His demeanor shouted winner to the crowd..." The word "winner" needs to stand out - it can be "winner" or bolded, WINNER - but make it stand out.
#5 - ditto with being called the "come back kid" - that needs to be emphasized.
I love your final encouraging paragraph but I would put a space between that and the end of the story itself. Let these powerful words stand on their on in a paragraph of their own!
Great story -- one that most everyone can learn something positive from and use in their own lives.
Can only describe this using one word: "Riviting!"
Gosh, I was right there in those shoes not many years back, and I COMPLETELY identified with absolutely everything you said.
It was written very, very well. My only suggestion is for you to put a blank space between paragraphs so the stories you write do not visually run together.
Welcome to Writing.com -- I know you'll love it here! If you have any questions about this huge site, let me know.
It was my pleasure to read and review this. I have made comments according to flow, readability, sentence structure, etc. (A throwback to my days as an editor). Overall, your writing is excellent. It reads and flows well, but there is one long sentence at the end of the 2nd para. that I'd like to suggest a change.
"...how lucky we were to have, each of us, found a partner...." the "flow" halted there briefly and I had to go back to re-read the sentence in it's entirety. A clearer way to put that would be, "...how lucky each of us were to have found a partner..."
A few para.s later -- "...the Pastor who was giving me direction that was to aid me in selecting the following week’s music." Try to tighten that up a bit. The words "that was" can be deleted altogether and "aid me" doesn't need that second "me" as you already said "giving me direction" a few words before.
It flows much better when we simply things a little."
Down several paragraphs after you were nearing the end of the book, you used the word, "ensorcelled" which I would definitely change as manypeople will not know what this means, and it is not even located in the Random House Dictionary! If you would, I'd enjoy learning from you just what that means.
In that very same sentence, you need a comma after, "...about whom it was written, that..." and you can then also delete the word "that".
Near the bottom, in the library. This sentence, beginning with "But by the time I sat at my table in the research room ..." While it is not necessarily wrong, I think any sentence that spans an entire 6+ lines is too long and should be reworked.
Third para. from the end, last sentence. "...referred to it and laughed each and every time.." As you write, try to limit the amount of "telling" words -- those ending in "ed" and replace some of them with "action" words. Example: ...referred to it, laughing each and every time. Little things like this will brighten up your writing for the reader.
Welcome to Writing.Com - I'm sure you'll love it here! Keep adding to your portfolio and I'll be back to read more as time permits.
I'm so glad you shared your experience. And I'm so glad everything turned out so perfectly.
In your writing, I would like to suggest you put a blank space between paragraphs so that it makes a more definite break and is easier to read.
The only correction I can point out is that when you speak of "the Doctor", in that context Doctor should be plain old "doctor" with a small "d". The only time you need a capital is when it is with a name, as in Doctor Smith.
I trust this little one is keeping you young!
Born two weeks before Christmas huh? Very close to the time I finally became a grandma this past year -- my little Emma was born on Dec. 12.
Well, let me just welcome you to Writing.com and if you have any questions about this marvelous site, ask away and if I don't know the answers I'll point you to where you can get them.
How delightful. Gosh, you have a wonderful imagination to have come up with such a unique story.
I just couldn't help but laugh as on Saturday, the watermelon was telling what was going on and suddenly it said no more, lol! End of watermelon!
Let me just point out a few things you can do to help make your writing even better.
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Sunday - In the first para. near the end,..."farmers who water me want me to grow, ..." Nothing wrong in this at all, just wanted to comment on the thought that crossed my mind when I read it. "water me want me" I think I would put just a little distance between the two "me"s by saying, "...water me and see me grow..."
The 2nd para. in Sunday gives a lot of personality to this fledgling watermelon. Very enjoyable to read!
Regarding the use of commas. Beginning with Monday, you seem to be lacking in the use of commas. The easiest way to figure out where to put one is to read the sentence outloud, and wherever you pause in reading it, that's likely where a comma is needed.
Take, for example, this sentence from Monday...Feeling very sad that I would not get to go with my friends I decided that it was for the best and the sun said he would always be my friend." Try reading that with no pauses whatsoever and you will likely see how awkward that is. Where would a comma go in this sentence? -- Read it again putting one after "go with my friends".
Love your imagination and storytelling ability.
And glad you found WDC as well! Looking forward to reading other things as you add to your portfolio.
That was very well done. Bitter-sweet, which makes it so true to life, covering decades of life! I thoroughly enjoyed reading it as it stirred many memories for me.
While I grew up in a city in the North (Wisconsin), a lot of the experiences you related were ones I remembered as well -- those Coca Cola bottles, the church meetings with their abundance of home-made food, the Archie comics . It seems like a life-time ago now, yet still clear as a bell in my memory.
There was only one little typo I happened upon, in the paragraph after the funeral -- "We descent down the forgotten pathway,..." Should be "descend" rather than "descent".
I like the way you began most of the paragraphs -- with a varied version of walking down the dusty road. As bitter-sweet as the latter years of life can be, after so many things have changed, it is still a comfort to remember and cherish all that life and family which made us who we are today.
You did a really wonderful job with this. The only thing which I found somewhat troubling was the very end -- It is gone! Somehow, that just doesn't fit.
I connected with you immediately -- as most any loving mother would. I had to laugh at the end, as well, because I would cry before I was half way through if I had to give a speech about the life of my son (in person) -- My Jason (he is 26) just gave me a beautiful little grandbaby girl! Talk about tears, lol.
You did a superb job with this and I can understand why it won the contest.You brought back a lot of precious memories to me, and likely to all who heard the tape, clear from before my son was born and through his growing up years.
Way to Go!!! I just can't give you any less than a 5 for this superb item. Welcome to Writing.com and I trust you will enjoy it as much as I do.
The one paragraph speaks volumes! I also like your use of description -- it paints a very clear picture of what she is doing, feeling, thinking, etc.
Third line from the bottom, I don't think you need the word "escape" before people as it is clearly understood which people as you continue on with that sentence.
Also, in that same sentence, not the spelling typo in that word "themseleves"(the extra "e") - themselves.
Keep working on it. I'd love to see more when you add to it.
I did read this from beginning to end, but think the way it begins might prevent the Christian sector from ever reading the entire poem, especially with the line about "dear Satan". Many will not move past that point to see the various transitions that take place. Perhaps if you change the brief description of it which appears just under the title, others will be more likely to read all of it.
I saw a great deal of creativity in this. Whether I agree or don't agree with parts of it, is immaterial. I have rated this purely on your ability to write and the creativity of it all.
Oh Barbs, I think that was written superbly. From the very beginning to the end I was able to put myself right into the pictures you have painted as to the aunt and uncle, their house, their personalities -- everything!
You included enough detail to where these people came alive on paper -- I could just picture your aunt's porch and how closed up the house was. I could see your uncle with his warm clothing, rocking in the midst of summer. And the bird cages with their singing canaries.
I just think you did an awesome job with this and could give you nothing less than a 5!
And, of course, what these words meant to you and how they helped you over the years, I can understand why you would never want to change even one word of this poem. It wouldn't be the same poem then!
I'm not all that familiar with poetry styles and such, but I am quite familiar with life and it's many problems. I must say that after reading those five little lines thoughtfully about five times, it helps me to see the bigger picture of life and perhaps ease the pain of "things I cannot change!" but wish I could.
I also like the very last line. That's a question that will have an answer that changes repeatedly over the course of our life.
So, I think it's lovely and I'm glad you shared it with all of us at writing.com.
Funny how when the age of 30 approaches, men and women alike really DO need a friend. It's such a far distance from our teen years.
You did a nice job -- everything flowed well.
Only little error I found was after they had trimmed the tree and Chris says.
"...I think this is our best tee yet!"
Note: "tee" where you meant "tree".
That was lovely!
I liked the way the small, more immediate things were "for the moment" in the forefront of your mind. In times of disaster, it is so easy to think of nothing BUT the negatives.
Your ability to view and reflect on these "calming" things was like a reminder to those who read it (many of whom usually also have large problems of one sort or another looming over their heads)...to get their mind off the bad and on to the good, if only for a brief moment of time.
The last three lines were excellent as well. I just think you did a super job with this.
Bravo!
That read very well. I personally have zero talent for writing poetry, but I enjoy reading it, especially when it flows well and paints a word picture for me to visualize.
You are quite the philosopher, my friend! This was an interesting read for me as philosophy was one of my favorite subjects way back in college.
You've jogged my mind! One thing I would like to ask of you, when you write about subjects that are quite deep and require thought to digest (such as this one), put a blank space between your paragraphs. This will help the reader to at least pause to take a much needed breath and give a moment to better absorb what you have just said.
In your second paragraph I must take issue with your statement that, "...the happiness of one person is the grief of another." You have stated this as if it is a given, whereas I believe the happiness of one person is not necessarily the grief of another -- it all depends on the situation at hand.
I liked your reasoning for why man cannot simply live to please himself. A lot of truth in that!
In the long paragraph where you write about religion, about half way down, your sentence beginning, "God is, in a way or another... Instead of "in a way" that will read better to say, "in one way..."
In your second to last sentence, "Can we, as the subjective humans we are, challenged the perfect work of nature?" Leave the "d" off of "challenged.
All in all, very well written. You certainly gave a LOT of thought to what you wrote and whether I agree totally with you or not, I surely respect your taking the time to share your philosophies.
Thrasher, I have just read your story and would like to comment on various parts of it.
#1 - The beginning four paragraphs are a good opener, giving the where's and why's of Aidan's predicament. While a bit more description might fill it out, the situation is clear enough.
#2 - In the next paragraph where "Aidan let out a sigh of relief." At the end sectionof that paragraph you have a correction which needs to be made. You wrote, "..a slow news week, He always tried to avoid cameras." The word "He" did not begin a new sentence so it needs to be in the lower case, "he" as a continuation of the sentence.
When they arrived at the prison, Aidan's description of it was fine until you added, " the old picket fence was replaced by barbed wire." That was just too unbelievable as no prison would ever have had a picket fence around it.
Beginning at this section, you have occasional comments which the guard makes. In all of these, you make one consistent error. "Said the guard..." - which comes after the comment made by that guard. Actually, the word "said" is a follow-up to what was said telling WHO said it, and should be written just after the quote with a comma.
Ex. - "...He’s getting the buzzer tomorrow." Said one of the guards The proper way to write this is,"...He's getting the buzzer tomorrow," said one of the guards.
Just as ways further as "He lay down flat on his back on the dirty bed and thank hard." I would replace "thank hard" with "did some hard thinking."
Where the preist came into the room, the word "catholic" needs to have a capital c - "Catholic" Even if Aidan doesn't have any faith whatseover, proper nouns, especially being spoken by a priest, the C will be capitalized.
The ending rather surprised me, even though I could tell Aidan had no faith. It portrayed how totally angry he was at life and naturally blamed God for much of it.
Aidan's closing comment nonetheless surprised me. But then again, I would imagine he would be the one to actually receive the "last surprise" when he meets the Maker he so despises.
Hope you'll write some more things to add to your port as I hope to watch you grow in your writing life.
While no parent would actually raise their children using the various philosophies you have pointed out, there is a lot of reality in what you've had to say.
I would think this could be published somewhere, even if it the "rantings of a lunatic". It would definitely make a lot of people think.
This was interesting and my answer was among the first choice (which I expected it to be).
Largely, I think these poll results show some surprising information the people who took it.
#1 - the people who answered with the Most or Least votes are the most realisitic.
#2 - those who answered with the Second or Third most highest results are the least realistic. They obviously fail to consider the POWER of what bring brought up with another set of beliefs from childhood has.
#3 - those who answered that they would believe whatever they had been taught in another country, are failing to realize this is not supported by life experience. Our world is not that small that people are not exposed to and affected by the beliefs of others. While there may be a good chance what they've answered may be true, they too are not being completely realistic.
Interesting quiz. Sorry about summarizing the results but I just had to.
Carpageo, that was absolutely brilliant! I was so fascinated by this story that I had to read it twice!
I don't think I'll ever look at my computer in the same way, lol. Knowing me, I might just start talking to it -- actually, now that I think of it, when I am writing something important and an error of some sort occurs to make it disappear, or if my screen "freezes", I do talk to it, in a rather angry tone of voice.
You have started my day out with a laugh and for that I thank you.
Overall Impression:
The writing of this was fairly clear in the beginning but slipped off track in the middle, making it rather difficult to follow your point. You started out strong addressing the issue of celebrating birthdays, but then went from that to co-worker's opinions, etc.
The main emotion which came forth in this was one of anger, which is kind of in direct contradiction to what "God" would want. It seemed you were blowing off stream by writing it.
Things I liked about your writing:
At least you were being honest about your beliefs, how your life changed, etc. Honesty is good, even if it isn't always pleasant.
Suggestions for improvements:
I think you need to decide on your focus and then not stray from it. The point at which things became rather muddy was in the paragraph beginning with, "As I walk through the cubicles to the coffee room..."
Errors I spotted:
You misspelled Babylon (once it was ok but the first time you have "Babalon".
In the 2nd to last line, "occurred" - you left out one of the "r"s.
My final comments:
I found this interesting to read, but do feel the focus needs to be worked on. Don't get discouraged!
Awesome and 100% on the mark!!!
I absolutely HATE camping and have never, ever enjoyed the few times I allowed myself to get into a camping situation.
Life is hard enough without having the few basic comforts I enjoy--a comfy bed, a TV with 144 channels, a working telephone, and of course, my computer!!!
My husband gave up trying to get me to go "camping" after the first five years. Judy
You make excellent use of description in your scenes and your characters are well developed.
The only thing I had wished was not in the story was the short sentence, in the beginning of the last section of the story, "Or so I thought." That tipped me off immediately that something was going to go sour. I would have preferred finding it out when it actually happened, rather than anticipating it.
The prompt fit into the story perfectly. I enjoyed reading this.
Judy
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Judy