|Review of Peace by Shafayet
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A. Line 2: Change the word down to in. It changes the meaning a great deal. Also, the word in will not collide when you use it later in the sentence.
B. Line 3: Use a different descriptive term for never come across such as did not remember.
C. Line 6: You cannot use, "Throughout the entire cabin"? Because he cannot at this moment think where he is and cannot see the entire cabin. In his state of mind he does not even know what floor he is on or if the building has one room or many. In line 3 you put him in a room.
Next line should change: "there weren’t" to "there wasn’t much".
D. Do not to use words that end in ly at the end of a sentence. Using another word without ly or rearranging the wording will make the sentence hit harder. He shifted his aching body. What caused him to be uncomfortable enough to shift?
E. In line 8: I like the descriptive lines in this sentence, they paint an original picture in my mind. It's very good writing.
F. In line 11: Is it necessary to use a comma after agony? Instead, put the comma before "that" and set off the clause. It will set off the quietness you are trying to emphasize.
G. Line 12: You can leave this. However, personally I would rewrite it. Use two smaller sentences or put, "of all people" between, "what was this place?" "why was he here?"
H. Line 13: Rearrange the sentence. Drop "and." Try: She studied him with purpose. Concern radiated from startling gray eyes. Gray with an A not with an e. ( I always get caught in my writing when I use grey an editor will always change it.
J. Once again, you have an ly word. Eliminate , “the girl asked timidly.” You could give her an action here instead. She handed him a glass of water or rearranged some books on a table.
K. You don’t need to express “she asked carefully” Her speech should stand for itself.
L. His thoughts can be expressed by using italics. “What on earth was going on?” There should be a period after terror. The people would have been streaming from other rooms not cabins. Are they in one solid dwelling with rooms?
M. Line 35: The word environment seems to express woods, or land, or sea with air. Try using chamber, den, lodging, place, quarters,or space.
N. You used "still ambiance" with success earlier don’t repeat it. Try latent mood, dense atmosphere, dense air in the room, etc. Something else to worm into the readers senses.
O. You are using an extreme amount of ellipses. One or two for speech emphasis seems all right to me but some of them should be turned into well made complete sentences.
P. Short sentences mixed with long sentences lay emphasis in the readers mind.
Q. Toward the end Change: “ fighting to keep his feet from turning.” It is awkward and does not express the emotion properly.
S. The last line. “Finally my peace.” Making the last word match the title.
I like the way you built up the suspense. You used a lot of phrases and words that made it a good read.
It left me with a lot of questions. In what country were they stationed? Whose house were they visiting? Were they hiding? Had they been invited into the village? Was there a village? As a short piece it answers the question about a singular person. One soldier’s death. Write On!