|Oh dear, you don't seem to get the hang of writing dialogue. For example, the following you wrote as two sentences instead of only one.
Don’t go anywhere, now.” He said coyly.
Instead of a period before the ending quotation mark, try putting a comma, and then make the word He lowercase, i.e.,
Don’t go anywhere, now,” he said coyly.
Doesn't that make more sense to you? You did this throughout your story. To understand what I'm saying, pretend there is no actual dialogue and say the last three words, as if they stood alone. Does He said coyly really make much sense? Of course, you could always add the word this, as in He said this coyly, but doing that to all those sentences would sound silly, wouldn't it?
The story itself was fun to read, and you managed to pass that bill through five interesting people. Good luck with the contest, and please take my comments in the friendly way they are intended.