Shaara, I thought I had a macabre imagination, but you make my simple stories seem written by sweet Rebecca of Sunnybrook Farms.
Your descriptions dragged me reluctantly into your tale of revenge. The bat and spiders didn't worry me as much as the snakes did. I cringed while waiting to see what you would have them do to the invited guests.
You wrote an excellent entry for "The Writer's Cramp" contest, and I recommend that anyone reading this critique visit the great hall immediately, if not sooner.
I have just a few comments for your delightful story. Although you start out writing most of it in the present tense, every now and then a past tense verb slips in. For example,
***He gestured to his mother to get him paper and pencil so he could write the directions he was being given.***
Next, don't forget proper punctuation. You forgot a period after the word good-bye, and I notice you do this quite often.
***“Thank you, good-bye†Arnold hangs up the phone.***
In the following sentence, you might want a comma after fees instead of a period because it leaves the next three words just hanging out there.
***“Well, that sure would help pay your tuition fees.†His mother said**
There are quite a few missing punctuation marks in the next sentence. Instead of the following,
***“Some day†he vowed aloud to himself “I will make her proud†he nodded to himself “I will pay her backâ€***
try it this way:
***“Some day,†he vowed aloud to himself, “I will make her proud.†He nodded to himself, “I will pay her back.â€***
I liked the message in your short story. Arnold made a wise decision to not compromise his moral values. Excellent start, Mari, but your story could be perfect with a bit more care with your punctuation.
You definitely are an asset to this writing site, and I hope to read more of your pieces in the future.
As a writer who recently delved into my own version of mythology, I hope your Marie gets to change her university major. Perhaps she will discover even more of the ancient Greek deities on that mountain in the future. If so, I hope to read more about her finds there.
I did enjoy your story and plan on exploring your portfolio in the future.
This was a delightful story, and I was swept into the young lady's anguish over being a potential wallflower. William seems to be a perfect gentleman, the type that has sadly disappeared over time.
Thank you for letting me share Elizabeth's first dance. I'm hoping to read more about her in future stories, perhaps with William as her beau.
Many reviewers said I was way too hard on myself in my own Dear Me letter. My friend, you have me beat by a wide margin. I'd think you'd be very scared of yourself after reading that. Are you rushing to get going on all those goals before receiving another such letter from yourself?
I have one very serious question to ask you. Do you still have any of that body part left after chewing out your own butt so roughly?
You compose a mean letter, and please consider that a compliment.
((After a few months in the neighborhood, the family that owned Mixup, the Greeley’s, that they couldn't keep him around))
There seems to be a word missing in this sentence. Other than that and a few misplaced punctuation marks, your story is a winner to me. Over the years, I've found the best pets are those that find you like Mojo and not the other way around.
I thoroughly enjoyed this story and hope to see you posting even more stories from now on. I'm now moving you in My Favorites folders from "empty portfolio" to New Writer in 2008. YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!
From your mouth to God's ear about no more wars! I can't remember a time in my own 66 years when people on our beautiful planet weren't having senseless wars somewhere.
It makes me wonder if we'll make it to 2009. It was a very good sonnet, and thank you for sharing it with us.
I do understand complaining about the winds of winter snow storms since I used to feel the same way. However, the wind is now a friend of mine, especially when it comes at the start of the rainy season that is northern California’s winter.
You wrote a nice piece and brought back memories of my own New England winters. I’m not sure if I should thank you for doing this, but I will. (smiling)
Geez, lady, what a way you have with words! It's rare that a story pulls me in, or rather I should say sucks me in, as your piece just did. To say I liked the oddity of the story's offbeat plot might sound strange from someone as normal as I've claimed to be every now and then. I do admit I had to read your story looking at the screen with crooked head and squinted eyes.
Brava, Shaara, for a story that gets one of my rare 5.0 ratings. If only I could give you a 5.5!
I loved having to look up the meaning of this word. As my high school English teacher once told us, "You should learn something new every day." You gave me today's new word, and I thank you.
I have only one suggestion, and please take it in the friendly way it's intended. I've been told that thoughts should be differentiated from spoken speech, perhaps in italics. An example in your story could be, What am I going to do about the changes in Bill? she wondered
One last thing! I shop at Safeway all the time. Thanks to your story, I think I'll start going to Lucky's instead. (laughing)
I enjoyed this story and not only because it made me Google on a term I'd never heard before, "panel beater." I'm still not sure who Nicole Bonham is, a woman referenced near the end of the story, but that didn't ruin it for me.
The flow was excellent without any bumps that made me wince because of bad spelling and only minor punctuation problems. Perhaps it could be broken into shorter sections, but that's just a personal preference of mine.
Okay, to the content now. It was fun to read about someone who named her vibrators since a Canadian online friend recently told me about her BOB. I've been known to name my new Toyota Yaris car (Blue Satyr), robotic lawnmower (Mellow Yellow Fellow), and even a mop (Webster), but vibrators? (grinning)
I recommend this story and hope this writer puts more into this portfolio.
I'm fairly new to writing in the erotica genre. However, I prefer reading it when it's not just the usual rather boring pornographic words with no plot, just people bumping and humping. I would rather have something left to my imagination, although I am not averse to reading about the actual sex act.
Perhaps because I have a medical background I prefer to use words like penis and vagina rather than the more common "shock and awe" terms. Anyway, that's just this sexagenarian's opinion, for what it's worth!
You are being reviewed as a part of the Yellow Power Weekend Raid.
I understand the feeling of never again seeing people I became close with over time. Your classifying your piece under tragedy seems a bit "over the top" to me, but then I'm probably decades older than you are and used to people disappearing from my life.
I hope you continue writing and sharing your feelings with us. This article was a good start.
You are being reviewed as a part of the Yellow Power Weekend Raid.
I thoroughly enjoyed your piece, and something I've mentioned before on Writing.com fits into the theme of your article.
Dare to be different! Jump fingers first into an unfamiliar genre! Risk readers/reviewers not liking what you write and politely thumb your nose at them when they don't.
To write something of interest to others, you have to risk change and explore your life. This article says exactly how I feel. Thank you for writing it.
You are being reviewed as a part of the Yellow Power Weekend Raid.
You wrote what I, being a rather cynical person, would call a modern fairy tale. I wonder if there really are kind souls like Elizabeth to help disposable people similar to Carl.
The only major problem I see is your use of too many passive verbs that made your story less interesting. If you Google on "passive verbs", you will find many sites that explain the difference between passive and active verbs. Here is one to get you started: http://jerz.setonhill.edu/writing/grammar/act-pass... Passive verbs also creep into my own stories, so let's work on stamping out those pesky verbs.
You mentioned in your bio that you want to be a published author, but I see you have stopped posting your stories here. Have you given up on your dream? That would be sad because you write a good story.
You are being reviewed as a part of the Yellow Power Weekend Raid.
I once wanted to see a movie on TV, but there was a football game scheduled before it. Because the time still to be played was only 58 seconds, I thought the movie would be on soon and sat watching a game I didn't understand that dragged on WAY past 58 seconds. Never again!
Now, baseball has a timeless magic about it for me. Unlike the game of football, I see no padded men with deformed bodies running around the bases. The noise of the crowd in the background excites me. Today, more than any other, the magic is still there as Barry Bonds hits 755 to catch up with Hammerin' Hank!
Your splendid article points out the soft cancerous spots in baseball. However, I prefer to think of it as still healthy, alive and well, for all of us true fans, young and old!
You are being reviewed as a part of the Yellow Power Weekend Raid.
I have to say the title pulled me in since I am a servant of cats. I may have to experiment with my mob to test your toothpaste theory. On second thought, I don't have a dog to lick it off, and I'll be darned if I'll wash a cat myself.
Thank you for a delightful story, but why haven't you continued writing? I'm sure others here would like to read more about Paedon's adventures. I know I would.
You are being reviewed as a part of the Yellow Power Weekend Raid.
As one who owns stock, but has never attended a shareholder's meeting, I sure am glad I haven't if they are like this one. Lockdown Security does not sound like a company I'd want to invest in.
I do wish you had checked for proper spelling and correct punctuation, but I enjoyed the story anyway. You mentioned you are Canadian, so is the town you mention in the following sentence located there?
"Once I'd been to Whistelr, which cost more than I really should have, but it had been fun. "
You are being reviewed as a part of the Yellow Power Weekend Raid.
I hope you do continue this story. It was intriguing with a few surprises thrown in that kept me reading.
There is one minor problem, though, you might want to correct. For easier readability and future editing, you need to put blank lines in between your paragraphs. In the real world, writers indent their paragraphs, so you might prefer to differentiate them in this way instead using this site's Indent feature.
When, not if, you add to this story, please let me know. Also, don't be shy, as your bio states. You ARE among friends here.
You are being reviewed as a part of the Yellow Power Weekend Raid.
As one who has consigned many a resume or CV to the circular file, otherwise known as the bit bucket, you have reached the nadir of an employer's expectation for an employee. It was a delight to read such honesty from a job seeker.
However, because there are no further updates in your portfolio, I must wonder what you've been doing since May of 2006. Therefore, I must pass on hiring you. Good luck in your future endeavors, whether on the couch or not.
You are being reviewed as a part of the Yellow Power Weekend Raid.
I honestly didn't need your language lesson to understand this poem, though some words in your country might be different. While reading it, I could hear my Mum reminding us kids, before Dad took us on our Sunday drives, "Go before you leave!"
We didn't have cups when we didn't listen, just bushes on the side of country roads. Thanks for the memory...I think! (laughing)
You are being reviewed as a part of the Yellow Power Weekend Raid.
My first thought when I ventured into your portfolio was, "Why is there only one item here?"
You have a good writing style, and I hope you continue adding to your portfolio. The story itself was quite good with valuable insight into life with a Down Syndrome family member.
A problem that you need to correct, however, is your punctuation, mainly the improper use of commas. This is something most of us are guilty of in our pieces. A good spellchecker might catch many of your errors along with misspelled words. There are also many good books on punctuation. My constant reference is "The Gregg Reference Manual" by William A. Sabin. I'm sure writers on this site can recommend other good books, and you can always Google to find what you need.
Again, please keep writing and sharing your ideas with the rest of us.
You are being reviewed as a part of the Yellow Power Weekend Raid.
This was a good try for what you said was a first draft. Although it was a fascinating and unique story, there were a few minor problems with it you can correct quickly.
Droping to the ground s/b dropping to the ground
All to often s/b All too often
fighting againt sundown s/b fighting against sundown
arrow made it's way s/b arrow made its way
There are a few other misspelled or incorrect words, but the use of a spellchecker should find them for you. Also, you might want to double-check your punctuation.
All in all, I did enjoy your story, particularly the ending. With just a bit more work on it, your future readers should give it a higher rating.
I thoroughly enjoyed your poem of a misplaced box. So many times we want to save items that bring back memories that mean nothing to others but are priceless to us. The poem was sad in that this particular box may be lost forever with all its scraps of the past!
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