Your virtual creation seemed such a perfect place to visit. I was starting to imagine what my dream man would be like, and then suddenly you jolted me back to the real world. At least, I think I'm back. Yes, I recognize certain things around me, so I must be back.
What a great story you wrote, pulling me in effortlessly. You do descriptions so well that I could easily picture the rooms Jane walked through on her way to meet her final destiny.
Well done, and thank you for a fun read. I'm giving it one of my very rare 5.0 ratings!
This was a nice story, but your abrupt change of POV threw me. The two following paragraphs switched, without any demarcation mark from Shannon to Misty. I had to stop, go back, and reread this area to understand that Shannon hadn't been the one to receive the flowers.
“Okay! Thanks, Chad. I owe you one,” said Shannon. He was grinning ear to ear. He had heard from his high school friends how lame their boyfriends were. He wasn’t going to be one of them. “Misty is going to be swept off her feet,” Shannon said to himself.
After breakfast the next morning, my roommates, Jama and Tracy, and I went to the Commons to watch some TV. While we were watching TV, a flower delivery was made. A few minutes later, we heard, “Misty Self, you have a delivery at the office.”
One way to correct this could be to put something like * * * centered in between the two paragraphs. That's what I do in some of my stories. However, you might have a better way.
In any case, I enjoyed your story, and good luck with the contest.
I thoroughly enjoyed your entry into today's Writer's Cramp contest. If I had read it before writing mine, I wouldn't have wasted my time. Your story is 100 percent better and should win hands down!
It's a delight to read such a well crafted story, and I thank you for that pleasure!
I wish you had proofread your article before posting it. Some examples that stand out are not capitalizing the pronoun I and spelling you as simply u. This might be okay in text talk, but just looks lazy in actual writing.
I disagree with many of your ideas. Let go over your premise that money is at fault with our society as stated in your following sentence:
Money is responsible for all the bad things happening in the world.
Does it have anything to do with sexual deviants preying on children? No!
Does it have anything to do with radical extremists murdering innocent people around the world? No!
Does it force people to stick needles in their arms to get high? No!
Next, another sentence doesn’t make much sense:
It deprives people of all the things they deserve - of education, home and food.
This makes absolutely no sense at all. Perhaps you mean the lack of it?
It’s an interesting article, and one that could inspire a thoughtful debate.
I hate money because it gives you recognition. People know you because you are rich, whereas a person should be known by his charecteristics.
You misspelled characteristics, by the way. Also, I sincerely doubt you would hate money if you had plenty of it. Money isn’t evil; it’s what people do with it that’s either good or bad.
I want a world free of money and full of love. Love, which tells people what to do and not make them do what they do not want to do.
Sorry, a lot of harm has been done in this day and age in the name of love. Whether misguided love of another human that inspiring murderous jealous rage or love of God in one of its various names causing blind and deadly obedience to religion, love has corrupted more people than the desire for money.
Again, I think your article could start a spirited debate if more people read it. Good luck and welcome to Writing.com!
Your piece was well written but rather short. Perhaps when you get more time and inspiration, you could expand on it. Why was the man not with his family? How did they die? What were those words he said to his daughter that he now regrets? Maybe you might add some dialogue between the man and the police officer to show his depth of horror in actual words.
In any case, it was a good start. I also want to welcome you to Writing.com and hope to read more of your stories in the future.
This great story with an interesting twist at the end reminds me of my younger days when I raced at midnight down deserted New England highways at 100 miles an hour. I would steer while my boy friend worked the pedals since I had no idea how to drive.
Thank goodness for a vigilant guardian angel, I didn't come to the same end as those at Break Neck Point.
I plan on reading more of your pieces, so keep on writing!.
I wish I could write as lovingly about Mum as you do about your mother. Roaming around the country as you did with her sounds like a joyful and exciting childhood, always wondering what would happen next, but knowing she would be there to keep you safe.
Thank you for sharing this with your readers. "Miles of Mom," I do like that title.
I thoroughly understand your nephew's fear of the monster in the toilet bowl. After chuckling at your very short piece, I became curious and Googled on toilet phobia.
You can tell your nephew he's not alone. Those in the United Kingdom, in particular, seem to also have this fear of toilets. According to one article, at least four million Britons are affected by toilet phobia. Not sure if it's about monsters in the toilet bowl, though.
I read this article with interest. Ever since posting my first story on Writing.com, I've included various links to my portfolio in email signature lines. When I post on an AOL message board or add a comment to a newsgroup or another writing site to which I belong, there goes another Writing.com link. The links are rotated so as to introduce people to different entries.
Online friends have dropped by my portfolio and found this site interesting enough to join for themselves. The biggest complaint, though, I've had from those who don't join is that Writing.com is too difficult a site to navigate.
I will think about some of your other suggestions. Sending out an invitation to visit Writing.com, however, to the 721 people in my PowerTools address books is frowned against on AOL. They tend to slap me on the wrist, accuse me of spamming, and make me grovel before they let me sign on again. Been there, done that!
When reading it, I was struck by the feeling of hopelessness in this piece. Being a usually upbeat and often emotionally shallow person myself, I had no idea what deep depression felt like and hope I never do.
Joyceanna, thank you for writing this and baring what must be painful emotions with us. Perhaps writing this has been cathartic enough so that you can continue to share your thoughts like this and more positive ones with us.
I'm glad to finally read something of yours. Up to this point, you've only written poetry, something I don't review. You've done well in attempting a new genre, A. J., and I hope you continue to push the envelope this way.
Because you titled it Chapter 1, do you intend to continue this into a longer novel? If so, I hope to see more like this in the future.
Oh, it's as if you read my mind while composing this poem. Many the night I've stared up at the ceiling in the pitch black of my bedroom. The voices in my head taunt me until I stumble back to my office to set words to computer.
It wouldn't surprise me if many the writer here of poetry or prose could identify with this wry bit of humor.
Your poem was a beautiful, sad, but thoughtful reminder to let others know how much we care for them.
There are many leading solitary lives who need our comfort and would be missed if they were gone. This is true throughout the year, not just during this holiday season.
You talk of history in your country going back to the 18th century so easily. My country was just being born at that time.
To hear that one of my favorite authors, Charles Dickens, actually visited where you lived is awesome. The most famous person to live near me was Charles Schultz, creator of Charlie Brown of Peanuts fame. A literary giant Vs a cartoonist: No comparison.
A castle from the 13th century would have me standing there, mouth open in amazement, knowing nothing I've ever seen was that old. Thank you for sharing your city with this envious colonist.
The one with Emma Thompson and Kenneth I-never-can-spell-his-name? I love that version and watch it whenever it comes on TV and have even rented it from Netflix. Hey Nonni Nonni...
Television Shows:
Well, I see you're not perfect. You like my Randall and Walker but don't have CSI: Las Vegas on your list? Shame all over you. If you like quirky (I really dislike that overused word) men like House, you should give my favorite bug guy Grissom a look or two. Try the older seasons on Spike if you get that channel.
Biggest Pet Peeves:Stupid Drivers, people who pick their nose while in public
I'm with you on stupid drivers and will try to remember not to pick my nose. ROFL
Lifetime Goals & Dreams: I hope to publish some of my poetry.
How close are you to doing this? Don't wait forever. There is a line in the movie "Rocky Horror Picture Show" you should remember. Don't dream it: Be it!
I enjoyed reading your bio, Nikki, and am doubly glad now you made it through your recent operation okay.
"This is a reciprocal review on behalf of Iritegud , whom you were so kind as to have reviewed recently, and is in connection with "The On-going Review Frenzy!".
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JD SULLIVAN AND THE LAND OF NOD
by: meli (1)
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As I review your story, meli, please remember my comments and suggestions are given in a friendly manner. Okay, here goes:
It’s (I think you want its and not it’s since the latter is a contraction of it and is)population is small in number but great in nightmares that its (Excellent. You have it correct here) inhabitants instill in your minds.
The times that you wake from a dream but cannot remember it(comma) but you know it was bad because of the pace that your heart is racing and the sweat that is left on your pillow.
The times that you feel that someone is looking over your shoulder(comma) but when you turn to see who is there(comma) you find that there is no one. Or is there?
The inhabitants of Nod have no sense of felling({felling or feeling?) therefore they do not care what kind of mental or physical stress they cay cause you.
(On second thought, I think that last sentence needs to be redone. Put a period after feeling, capitalize therefore, and place a comma after it to make the one sentence into two for easier readability. Just a suggestion, though)
With the powers that the golden spikes possess the ministry are the only ones; who can cause death. (Not sure what you were attempting here, but the punctuation seems a bit off.)
All who exists in the land knows this therefore the ministry is to be feared. (Again, this might be cleaner if broken down into two sentences as suggested above.)
Fear is on (You do mean one instead of on, don’t you?) of the few emotions in the land.
You have a few more places where punctuation seems to be somewhat elusive, but I’ll leave them as a challenge for you to find.
I have one last suggestion for your story that, by the way, has an interesting beginning. For easier readability and future editing, you need to put blank lines in between your paragraphs. Trust me, this is a common error most of us make now and then. However, you might prefer to use this site's Indent feature instead.
Again, meli, you have a good start to this story, and I hope to read more of it in the future.
Your story probably is interesting, but it was VERY difficult to read due to missing or incorrect punctuation. The many run-on sentences would have been more understandable if shortened with periods instead of commas.
There are many good books on punctuation. My constant reference is "The Gregg Reference Manual" by William A. Sabin. I'm sure writers on this site can recommend other good books, and you can always Google to find what you need.
I do hope to read more of your stories since, other than punctuation, they are well written.
Darn you! Why didn't you write this months ago when I was blundering through my first novel? Although I'm guilty of many of those Amusement Park sentences, the choo-choo train was my most common.
After I bought StyleWriter software and ran my first draft of "Home of the Red Fox" through it, I was shocked. One sentence had 51 words in it. Your excellent article is being printed right now and will be used as reference for future stories.
Now, how about something on those little hellish symbols, the comma?
You made my day by forcing me to get out my dictionary to look up the word "agrimony". Since I do have a soft spot for dragons, I did enjoy this poem and felt the beast's sadness. I normally don't review poetry, but this was an exception.
The feeling I got reading your piece wasn't so much panic as dread with a bit of self pity thrown in at the end. Panic is when you want to run away, screaming at the top of your lungs. Dread is less potent but still real. You know you have to do something or go somewhere, but you do it reluctantly.
In other words, panic causes you to run away, dread has you going forward but holding your breath until you accomplish it.
Does this make sense to you? Even if it doesn't, I enjoyed your story and will be reading more of your work.
Some minor punctuation errors need cleaning up first. You also have a problem that I have, long run-on sentences.
Those comments of the story’s mechanics out of the way, I have to tell you I enjoyed the prologue. You have a good handle on descriptions, and your writing is such that I want to go on to chapter 1 now. Good work.
A few missing commas didn't stop me for a second from reading this. The timing was perfect. I'm sitting here in a rather cold room, and this short piece managed to warm me up quite a bit.
I will be looking forward to even more, so keep those chapters coming, please.
“However, I could not share this writing with anyone because it would put me in a vulnerable position and because I did not want people to see the inner me at that time in my life.”
I could have written that sentence above. My circumstances aren’t the same as yours, but I do understand your feelings, to a small degree, about not wanting to be vulnerable.
It took me years to feel comfortable enough to let bits and pieces of the inner me to come out in my stories. Even now, I rarely share them with anyone other than very close friends.
Perhaps your essay will push me to opening up more. Good luck with the rest of your life.
Just a quick correction in your punctuation of the article’s title. Shouldn’t there be an apostrophe in “wifes”?
The fact that you capitalize certain words at times and not others has me wondering why you did this. Was it for emphasis only? For example, why did you do it to Dental Practice and Bank? Realtor is capitalized, I know, but not real estate.
You also have places where a comma would add clarity to your sentences and tend to put a space before an opening quote and the first word.
Okay, enough nitpicking. The premise of your article is quite interesting and hits home as I’ve bought two homes and sold one. With just the littlest bit of proofreading, this would be an excellent addition to your wife’s manual.
Judity
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