*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/julierenaud
Review Requests: OFF
67 Public Reviews Given
173 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
Previous ... -1- 2 ... Next
1
1
Review by jewelz
Rated: E | (4.0)
Interesting piece.

Things I liked about this piece:
*Check3*I really liked the way that you repeated the word Epic throughout the poem. I thought that was a nice way to pull the piece together.

*Check3*I really like the first stanza. That was a great attention getter.

Suggestions:
*Check4*fall in the first line should be falls

*Check4*Punctuate the poem.

*Check4*I think that you should make the poem much longer and include more dialogue from other people.

Keep Writing.
2
2
Review of The Longing  
Review by jewelz
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello, KAA. Welcome to writing.com.

A few questions first about your piece:
*Check1*Why no captial letters? Is it because you are symbolizing how insignificant the narrator feels?

*Check1*Why no punctuation? Are you and e e cummings fan?

Suggestions:

*Check4* correct the spelling of beyond.

*Check4*I would also try to define this dark side or the intense side in the poem.

Keep Writing
3
3
Review of Broken Heart  
Review by jewelz
Rated: E | (4.0)
Things I liked about this piece:

*Balloon4*Another nice piece of writing. I really like the subject matter. We have all been throught a rough breakup or watched someone go through one.

*Balloon5*I especially enjoyed the stanzas that asked questions. I thought that was very effective.

Suggestions:

*Balloon1*I would like to see you punctuate the poem. I believe that it would help your readers. Plus it would add impact.

Grammar and Mechanics:

*Balloon2*Misspelled searching

*Balloon2*In the last stanza, do not forget the apostrophes in what's.

Keep Writing

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
4
4
Review by jewelz
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is very cute. What your intended audience children? Maybe you should consider illustrating it and lengthen it a little. Then I think that you should seriously consider shopping it around the children's book market.

They are always interested in well-written books, especially poetry that tells a story using a well-established rhythm.

Keep Writing.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
5
5
Review of Meet Me @ Perkins  
Review by jewelz
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Things I live about this piece:
(e:check1} I do really enjoy the general idea. Do we really exist or are we insignficant? Gives us a little food for thought.

Suggestions:
(e:check5} I think that the beginning of this piece is a little too stream of consciousness. It is just too random for readers.

Grammar Issues:
*Check4*Half wayHalfway in on my therapeutic enterprises at PerkinsCOMMA my suspicions of possibly being a spirit in limbo are confirmed.

*Check4*As if the cosmos are channeling divine guidance through the inanimate it happens: “I know I'm just a pancake but trust me when I tell you that you really are a ghost.” I believe that you need to place "it happens" in parentheses. I think that this will make it less confusing for the reader.

*Check4*Are you sure it's you people are talking too. Wrond end mark.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
6
6
Review by jewelz
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Things I like about this piece:
*Check1* I love sacrasm.

*Check1* I believe this piece truly reveals what we all think. Surveys are evils. By the way, never get yourself onto a radio listener survey. They call practically everyday to listen to a tape with about 20 song clips. It is horrible.

Grammar Issues:
*Check5*In a tone of befuddlementCOMMA I expressed my verbal defense, "what the hell".

*Check5*Finally, twentyHYPHEN three questions later, it had dissolved into nothing.

Keep Writing.

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
7
7
Review by jewelz
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Things I liked about this piece:
*Check1* I liked the message --we have to look closely at both sides of the story.

*Check1* I think that you had an interesting approach. Not many of us would think of a princess as anything but representing all that is good in the world.


Suggestions:
*Check3*I would consider reworking or phrasing the fourth paragraph. I think that you should make it clear that you would end the story by sending them to work for the Salvation Army during the holidays.

Grammar Issues:

*Check2*Many times I ponder the timeless portrayal of fairytale witchesCOMMA and I have reached a conclusion.

*Check2*It is my opinion that these all-knowing fates had foreseen the pestilent deeds those princesses were capable of. Don't end a sentence with a preposition.

*Check2*The princess has cursed us all through the ages of timeCOMMA and we are naive to her true motives.

*Check2*"To be final in thought here" This phrase is a little confusing and awkward to read.

8
8
Review by jewelz
Rated: E | (4.0)
Very interesting view of theology. I am a astruggler in my own faith. I struggle with the Catholic conventions placed upon the faithful by the church. Some of these traditions have nothing to do with the Bible or the teachings of Christ, but it was politically motivated.
9
9
Review of For Granny  
Review by jewelz
Rated: E | (3.5)
Nice job. I have recently lost my great-grandmother who I was very close to. I even gave the eulogy. I know that it can sometimes be difficult to let go.

A couple of suggestions:

Establish a rhythm. I think that this will help the reader.

Punctuate the poem. This will also help with clarity.
10
10
Review of My First Kiss  
Review by jewelz
Rated: E | (5.0)
What a wonderful story. Can you please give me more details of May Day I will of course do my own research but I think that it is very important that we celebrate these traditions. If we don't celebrate them, they will cease to exist. A rich piece of history forgotten forever.

This year our neighborhood for the first time participated in the Phantom Ghost at Halloween. It was great fun. The kids really enjoyed it.

Keep Writing.
11
11
Review of Give Me To Drink  
Review by jewelz
Rated: E | (4.0)
Nice Job with this piece. Just a couple of quick suggestions: 1. Punctuation -- you missed some end marks. I think that with help with clarity. 2. I am personally a fan of the poem that establishes a rhythm but this may be trivial. 3. I liked that you allowed us to see what she was thinking but I think you should stretch your creative hand a little and write from Jesus' POV.
12
12
Review by jewelz
Rated: E | (4.5)
Wonderful job. I immediately caught on that this was in reference to the story in the bible. I liked that you gave us her point of view and allowed us to see that she was sorry for her sin. I wonder if people ever thing about her when they read it and wonder what she was thinking? Maybe you could try another one and tell us what Jesus was thinking?
13
13
Review of The Clay  
Review by jewelz
Rated: E | (4.0)
Wonderful! I would consider add a stanza to make it clear that God entered the room. I like the subtle message that you are sending in your poem that one is never alone in the world as long as they have a little faith. I think that is a good message to send to America's youth. I believe that there is a contest on this site for the writings of people who have suffered with depression. Have you considered entry a few contests? I think it would be a wonderful way to get some more recognition.
14
14
Review by jewelz
Rated: E | (4.0)
Every interesting approach. I think I would cut some of the redundant lines. I don't know that they are entirely necessary. I would also consider punctuation the poem. I think that this will help with clarity.

Questions and Possible Errors:

In the first poem, first stanza, last line -- Should that be form or from?

In the Reply from Mark -- you misspelled would.

Keep Writing
15
15
Review of the shrink ray  
Review by jewelz
Rated: 13+ | (2.0)
I think that someone has edited this down to nothing. All I see is four lines. Is that all there is to this so far. The description says David gets shrunk by his own invention, but I see nothing about an invention. I am interested in reading this. Please forward it to me when you have finsihed it.
16
16
Review of Baby Monitor  
Review by jewelz
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
I don't know,I guess I missed the connection. Is the baby monitor picking up the inner most thoughts of the woman or what? There are several spelling mistakes in the piece that you need to go back and correct. The story was very suspenseful and it did hold my attention. Keep Writing
17
17
Review of The Silver Fox  
Review by jewelz
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Nice Job. You captured the old man well. I can envision him and his attitude well. I think you present an interesting side. You remind us that they were once important to someone. They were sons, perhaps fathers, and maybe even grandfathers. You force us to face the fact that these people are humans with feelings that cannot be ignored. Nice message.

Grammar errors:
-slop piss colored beer -- hyphenate piss-colored
18
18
Review of Timid Eyes  
Review by jewelz
Rated: E | (4.5)
Oh, how sad! Did you draw the picture too? I think that we can all relate to the idea of a lost love. We have all had a relationship in which we wanted to work out, but it did not for what every reason. I like the extended metaphor of comparing her to a deer. That was a nice touch. Keep writing.
19
19
Review of Heaven's Daughter  
Review by jewelz
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Nice Job. Poe is one of my favorite authors and I think that you did a wonderful job in capturing his style. Before I even read the note at the bottom, I recognized a rhythm that was strangely familiar. I loved the imagery that you used. Especially the weeping willow nearby. It mirrors the character in the poem. Keep Writing.
20
20
Review by jewelz
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Nice Job. Punctuation? This is a heavy poem and your readers could use a place to pause and gather theur thoughts. I think the message is clear and everyone can relate to it. I really like the line in the last stanza about color washing out to gray. That was nice.

Keep Writing
21
21
Review of Your Eyes  
Review by jewelz
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
I really like what you have here. I would like to see you pull this together using an extended metaphor. Tie your lover's eyes to a day at sea or just to the sea. I think that you can keep most of these images you have. You could just be adding a level of continuity. Keep Writing
22
22
Review by jewelz
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Nice Job. Your message is clear, and I believe that most of us can relate to it. Most of us have a moment like that. I like the last lines when you want to share or give your lover a similar moment, but I think that I would consider revising it. Should we all find that moment for ourselves rather than have someone say this is the moment I want you to remember. He/She may choose another insignificant moment to remember because at that time he or she may have realized that they loved you or you were something special. Maybe the last lines could ask the question of what is that moment for your lover. Just a suggestion.

Keep Writing
23
23
Review of Thank You  
Review by jewelz
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
I really like the last line when you thanked your lover for bring your heart back to the light. I would like to see this image carried out throughout the whole poem. I think that it will tie it all together wnderfully. Consider punctuating the poem to cut down on some confusion. Keep Writing
24
24
Review of Our Love  
Review by jewelz
Rated: E | (3.5)
I like the imagery, but I would like to hear much more. I want to know how these images weave into a blanket in which you find your lover's love. And how do these images compare to his or her love? Consider adding a couple more verses. I do like it so far. Keep Writing.
25
25
Review by jewelz
Rated: E | (4.0)
oh, come on! You cannot leave your reader like that. You should at least have given us a clue to the secret admirer. I would like to see you develop this secret admirer a little more. To me, it appeared that the main character did not even care who the admirer was until they checked for a note. I would like to think that she would have a been a little more excited about it. I guess what I am trying to say is if you build up this mystery maybe it would be more climatic.
33 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 2 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/julierenaud