I was a little unclear on who was crossing the line. Are you talking about an immigrant or another citizen of this country? And is it not the same for both?
You referred to a "maker" in the first stanza. Are you referring to God? If so, then Maker should be capitalized. Or are you referring to lawmakers? If this is the case I would make it plural.
Grammar Errors:
Period at the end of the second stanza.
In the third stanza -last line, You're should be your.
Fifth stanza -- its should be it's.
Suggestions: The last stanza does not appear to fit with the rest of the piece. There is a distinct break in style.
Nice Transcendentalism poem. I like the connects to nature and the message that we are not truly ever alone when we are in nature. Are you a fan of the Transcendentalist writers? I like your imagery. I think that you should consider breaking this poem up into stanzas because it is very dense. By that I mean that you have many things beign said in such a little space. If you break it up, it will allow the reader time to digest some of the images and the message that you are send. Just a suggestion and with all suggestions you can choose to use it or disregard it. Keep Writing.
This is very interesting. It is also well written. I did go to myspace to listen to it. I like the accoustics.
The emotions that I felt while reading this was mixed. I am the daughter of a Marine, and I was at first saddened by part of the message. I know that my father thinks about his kills often. He knows that most are fathers, sons and uncles, but he feels that in the moment it is a "you or I" situation. He is very open that if he has the opportunity to not pull the trigger and remain safe and guarantee the safety of his men, he does not.
As an English teacher, I appreciate the well written lyrics and I enjoyed several of the literary devices employed. I also like the switch in point of view.
The line that resonated with me the most was that he could die without fear. That is a nice piece. Not many sing about such things.
Overall I think that this is a nice collection of pieces. I think that they reveal a lot about your character. I would not be worried about your putting your poetry on this site. Everyone is pretty kind with their reviews of others' pieces. Keep writing. You should be just fine.
I really liked the imagery from the various time periods. ex. playwright and the final curtain, and the viking ship. That was nice. I like reading a well-read writer.
Suggestions -- in the last line, immortal is spelled incorrectly. Also I would like to see more attention giving to sentence structure in the last nine lines. Can we break it up into a couple more sentences? The only reason I suggest this is because you have some power images in those last lines, and I think that you are doing this piece a huge disservice without providing the reader a break to ponder it.
Overall impression -- It is nice to see a piece that does take such a distraught look at death.
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