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Public Reviews
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51
51
Review of Dixie Chicken  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hello, Mastiff
I'm sending this review as part of I Write in 2019


*FlowerP*My Impression*FlowerP*
This is an interesting story. I am not familiar with this song, so reading the lyrics really helped here. The story goes along with it really well. I am also participating in this challenge, so it was nice getting to read another contestant's piece. The ending of this story was great. Good luck in the challenge!


*FlowerP*Suggestions*FlowerP*
I would recommend embedding a youtube video of the song at the bottom of this entry. If you don't know how to do that, you do this: {embed:insert youtube url here}


*FlowerP*Grammar/Punctuation/Usage*FlowerP*
In this sentence: "Besides! Everything in it -- except the vodka -- is good for you." I'm confused why there is an exclammation mark after "besides."

And here: "It turned out he had another women to find," it should be "woman"

"so I just followed and looked at the displays, knowing we'd end up on a deck overlooking the bass boat showroom." I'm confused. I thought they were at a bar. Now they're at a boat showroom?

This was a fun story. Thanks for sharing!

IceSkating SugarCube



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#1300305 by Maryann

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52
52
for entry "One Hell of a Ride!
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hello, 🌓 HuntersMoon !
I'm sending this review as the judge of SugarCube's contest. Congratulations on your first place win!


*FlowerP*My Impression*FlowerP*
I loved this. The rhyme scheme and rhythm of this poem made it a pleasure to read. I liked your song choice and just really really liked this entry. Thank you for entering and sharing this poem with me!


*FlowerP*Suggestions*FlowerP*
I like that you made a book item in your port for my contest entries, but I would suggest using all of the genre spots...it will make your book easier to find. Unless of course, you don't mind if it doesn't get seen, in that case, ignore that *Smile*


*FlowerP*Grammar/Punctuation/Usage*FlowerP*
Everything looked good to me.


*FlowerP*Rating Explanation*FlowerP*
This gets a 5 from me. It's just a darn good piece of poetry. Thank you for your continued support of my contest, and congrats again on the win!

IceSkating SugarCube


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#1300305 by Maryann

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53
53
Review of Come Travel  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello, Detective
I'm sending this review as part of I Write in 2019

*FlowerP*My Impression*FlowerP*
This is a lovely poem with very nice imagery. I love to travel, so this poem really speaks to me. I like the details here, especially the scent of peppermint (which has a nice bit of rhyme to it) drifts through the warm summer air. Also, the currency measured by courage. Very nicely done!


*FlowerP*Suggestions*FlowerP*
I only have two suggestions. I would recommend adding a cover picture to this and using all three of the genre slots. You are only using two. Using all of them helps your item get seen by more people.


*FlowerP*Grammar/Punctuation/Usage*FlowerP*
This isn't a big deal, my writing software does the same thing, but all of the words that begin a new line start with an uppercase letter. I would consider making any of them lowercase that do not begin a new sentence.


*FlowerP*Rating Explanation*FlowerP*
I really like this. I'm giving a 5 for originality and awesome imagery. Nicely done!

IceSkating SugarCube


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54
54
Review of Fear  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hello, Shawn Odette
I'm sending this review as part of the Superpower Review Raid

*FlowerP*My Impression*FlowerP*
While I found some of these "fear is" scenarios a little cliched, there were more than enough truly terrifying things here to keep the whole piece relevant and exciting. I like how in the end it's presented as a writing prompt. Clever!


*FlowerP*Suggestions*FlowerP*
I've read this a couple of times, looked at your genre tags and description...I just can't see anything to suggest. It looks good!


*FlowerP*Grammar/Punctuation/Usage*FlowerP*
Nothing stood out to me.


*FlowerP*Rating Explanation*FlowerP*
Because this was an entertaining read, AND inspired creativity from the reader, I'm giving this a 5. Nice job!

IceSkating SugarCube

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#1300305 by Maryann

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55
55
Review of A letter home  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Greetings, Sumojo
I'm sending this review as the judge of SugarCube's Weekly Random Contest. Congrats on your 2nd place win!

I really enjoyed this story, in the form of a letter home from a soldier to his father. I found this to be a very touching piece, and I loved the detail you put into it. This read, to me, like a real letter. I liked that the writer of the letter did not pile on a bunch of emotion, but instead stated the facts of his situation, and left the "feeling" up to the reader. It really came across well and is an effective piece. Plus, adding the thank you at the end for the socks that his parents sent him added to the realism. Thank you for entering this into my contest, and I hope that you will continue to enter. Congrats again on the win.

This gets a 5 from me *Smile*

IceSkating SugarCube

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#1300305 by Maryann

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56
56
Review of Left Alone  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello, AgentPebbles and welcome to writing.com!

I found this when I clicked the "read & review" button.

*FlowerP*My Impression*FlowerP*
This is a sad story of lost friendship. I've had a few of those in my life. This is a well-written poem, and I hope to see you joining some of the many contests here.

*FlowerP*Suggestions*FlowerP*
I recommend using all three genre tags for this maybe use the "friendship" tag or "experience." I wouldn't use "writing" because it's not a piece about writing. I would also increase the font size a little bit. It's a tad on the small side and would be easier to read if bigger.

*FlowerP*Grammar/Punctuation/Usage*FlowerP*
I didn't notice anything here.

*FlowerP*Rating Explanation*FlowerP*
I'm giving you a 5 for your lovely poem. Again, welcome to writing.com and I look forward to reading more of your stuff!

IceSkating SugarCube

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57
57
Review of Easter Monday  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello, ridinghhood--p. boutilier
I'm sending this review as part of I Write in 2019

*FlowerP*My Impression*FlowerP*
This is an interesting poem. I love the last line. I was confused about how the pool could both have water in it and a person floating in it, and somehow be empty at the same time. However, that's not a criticism, I think something else must be meant by "empty" here. It doesn't bother me that I don't understand...it encourages deep thought, and that's always a nice quality in a poem.


*FlowerP*Suggestions*FlowerP*
Is the line at the bottom about the tarot the prompt for the Writer's Cramp? If not, it might be nice to add the prompt so we can get an idea of what was being asked.


*FlowerP*Grammar/Punctuation/Usage*FlowerP*
Just one thing. It should be "the water glassy, warm (comma) and buoyant"


*FlowerP*Rating Explanation*FlowerP*
This is quite a lovely poem. I like it more each time I read it. I'm giving this a 5. Nice job, and good luck in the contest!

IceSkating SugarCube


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58
58
Review of Corrupt-A-Wish  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hello, hcb88
I'm sending this review as part of the Super Power Review Raid. Congratulations on the Quills Nomination!

*FlowerP*My Impression*FlowerP*
This is such a clever, awesome idea! I read pretty far into this and the corrupted wishes were so creatively thought out, this activity inspires much thought and I was impressed with the responses. I'm glad I stumbled upon this gem because it's been a joy to read. Nicely done!

*FlowerP*Suggestions*FlowerP*
No suggestions here. This is just great, and I look forward to reading more!

*FlowerP*Rating Explanation*FlowerP*
For the sheer creativity and fun of this, I'm giving it a 5. I can see why this was nominated for a Quill award.

IceSkating SugarCube

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#1300305 by Maryann

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59
59
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | N/A (Review only item.)
Hello, Princess Megan Rose
I'm sending this review as part of the Super Power Review Raid. Congratulations on the Quills Nomination!

*FlowerP*My Impression*FlowerP*
This is a fun and clever campfire. I love reading about the various movies and TV shows, and it's cool to see the interaction between two friends. I had honestly never thought to use a campfire in this way before, it gives me a few ideas. I love it!

*FlowerP*Suggestions*FlowerP*
No suggestions. I think this is just great the way it is.

*FlowerP*Rating Explanation*FlowerP*
This gets a 5 from me. I look forward to reading more of this rather lengthy campfire. Very nicely done, and again congrats on the nomination!

IceSkating SugarCube

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60
60
Review of Daily Snapshot  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello, Genipher !
I'm sending this review as part of the Super Power Review Raid. Congratulations on the Quills Nomination!

*FlowerP*My Impression*FlowerP*
What a clever idea for an In&Out! I've made sure to favorite it so that when it becomes active again I can participate. I love how simple the activity is, that it doesn't require an item or bitem link (great for those with free memberships) and is a judged contest, but also a weekly merit badge drawing. Awesome!

*FlowerP*Suggestions*FlowerP*
No suggestions. I think it's a great addition to the Writing.Com community!

*FlowerP*Rating Explanation*FlowerP*
This awesome In&Out gets a 5 from me. It's a clever, creative activity. Again, congrats on the Quills nomination! It's truly a WDC gem!

IceSkating SugarCube

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#1300305 by Maryann

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61
61
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hello, Choconut
I'm sending this review as part of the Super Power Review Raid. Congrats on the Quills Nomination!


*FlowerP*My Impression*FlowerP*
This is such an awesome place! The prices are reasonable, it helps support other community activities, and the candy shop theme is adorable! I was surprised to discover that I hadn't already favorited it, so I've remedied that *Smile*

*FlowerP*Suggestions*FlowerP*
Definitely no suggestions here...but those yummy looking pictures drew the attention of my sweet tooth.


*FlowerP*Rating Explanation*FlowerP*
I'm giving this a 5 because everything about it is great. It's creative, it's a fun way to surprise someone with WDC goodies, it helps the community and it's chocolate...chocolate makes everything better.

Again, congrats on the Quills nomination!

IceSkating SugarCube

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#1300305 by Maryann

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62
62
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hello, Schnujo and congrats on the Quills Nomination!
I'm sending this review as part of the Super Power Review Raid.

*FlowerP*My Impression*FlowerP*
This is a fabulous challenge. I'm hoping to participate in it at some point, though it's been a favorite for a while. This challenge encourages participants to write outside their comfort zones, and I think that's awesome. It's also good for other contests on the site that get featured.

*FlowerP*Suggestions*FlowerP*
Just keep doing what you're doing with this. It looks amazing!

*FlowerP*Rating Explanation*FlowerP*
I'm giving this a 5 because it's a clever challenge that I'm sure involves a lot of hard work on your part to facilitate. Thank you for all you do to keep this going! Again, congrats on the nomination!

IceSkating SugarCube

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#1300305 by Maryann

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63
63
Review of The Easter Bunny  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello, Dominique
I'm sending this review as part of I Write in 2019. You posted before me, so here's my review.


*FlowerP*My Impression*FlowerP*
I was happy to see that I got to review this, as I also entered this contest...and it's such a cute and lovely theme. I found this piece to be just wonderful. I loved the easy flow and rhythm which sometimes lacks in a free-verse poem. Nicely done! I also like your use of color, making each stanza a pretty pastel springy hue.

*FlowerP*Suggestions*FlowerP*
I would maybe change this line, "I point and I jab and I release my rudest vocabulary" to this: "I point and I jab and release my rudest vocabulary." It might flow just a tiny bit better without the I before "release."

This next suggestion is just a tiny one, but I think the colors would pop a bit more if you put the whole piece in bold.

*FlowerP*Grammar/Punctuation/Usage*FlowerP*
One small thing here:
"Is this a dream comma{/} I wonder?"

*FlowerP*Rating Explanation*FlowerP*
I'm giving this a 4.5 because it's pretty darn near perfect. Good luck in the contest, and thank you for sharing your lovely poem!!

IceSkating SugarCube

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#1300305 by Maryann

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64
64
Review of Uncoiled  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hello, laurie_razor

Thank you for submitting your item to "Give Me Something to READ!! I'm giving this review on behalf of the Spring Writing Jamboree. Thank you for submitting this story and helping me out.


*FlowerP*My Impression*FlowerP*
I love this! It's original, creepy, and very nicely done. I can see why this won SCREAMS!! It's written in present tense, which can be tough to pull off, but you managed it very nicely. Plus, it can be difficult to write a complete story in only 500 words, as many people try to take on a story that is too big for the flash fiction format, but you did great with that, as well. There's a beginning, middle, and end. You justify your character's actions by telling us how horrible the victims were in high school. The main character, although a lunatic, makes the reader sympathize with him.

*FlowerP*Suggestions*FlowerP*
I liked this story as-is but would love to see a little stronger ending. Maybe a twist, or surprise. I am a sucker for those types of stories, but like I said you're story is pretty awesome without it. Just a suggestion. I was curious how he ended up getting back home after he blacks out. At first, I thought he'd wake up in jail, and thought it pretty lucky that he somehow made it home.

*FlowerP*Grammar/Punctuation/Usage*FlowerP*

I found a few minor things:

"In the mid eighteen-hundreds," mid-eighteen-hundreds

"mainly consist of my old high-school's football team" high school's

"each of whom trail after their former captain," trails

"I stare into Gareth Holbrook's fearful eyes," there shouldn't be a comma after "eyes".

"a misshapen eyeball stares lifeless on my floor." lifelessly


*FlowerP*Rating Explanation*FlowerP*
I'm rating this a 4.5 because it's a great story, but there are a few small issues mentioned above. I will gladly re-rate after it's edited.

Thank you for sharing your story with me *Smile*

IceSkating SugarCube

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65
65
Review of Curiosity  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Hello, Dreamy Wood

I found you on the author's page, and since you are a newbie (welcome to writing.com!) I thought I would check out your portfolio.

*FlowerP*My Impression*FlowerP*
This is an interesting short story. It's creepy and mysterious. I was curious why Cameron was down there, besides looking for something that the mother said was down there. Plus, I didn't get any sense of what Katie was doing down there or what she could possibly want. Was she a threat? This story could have been scary if that element were more firmly in place. I'm not sure if horror was the intent, though. I think with some fleshing out, this story could shine.

*FlowerP*Suggestions*FlowerP*
There's a lot of passive voice here, so I would watch how often the word "was" appears here. Most times this can be fixed just by using a stronger verb. Also, this story sometimes switches from past tense to present tense. I would recommend using Grammarly (a free Google add-on) to help point out little things like comma usage and things like that.

*FlowerP*Grammar/Punctuation/Usage*FlowerP*
I found some issues as I was reading through, so I'll post them here.
“It wan't that hard to break into the cellar.” wasn’t
“Through my shoes comma I could feel…”
“It was very musty, yes, but underneath that commathere…”
“My shoes left the ground as I fell to the ground,” No typos here, but “ground” is too repetitive.

“ I wanted to ask, but I figured that be too weird,” that “would” be too weird.
“She finishes her statement with a finality that only spurs off of complete confidence. “ This sentence switches from past tense to present tense.

“The light in front of me grew larger, but it's flickering quality remains.” ”remains” is present tense. This is a past tense story

“With another startled yelp I fell to the floor, banging the back of my head against the wall as I did so.” Why does she keep falling???

“Katie had a couple of inches on me, and was dressed…” no comma is needed here.


*FlowerP*Rating Explanation*FlowerP*
I am rating this a 3.5 because of the issues noted. I will gladly reread and re-rate this story if it's ever rewritten. *Smile*

Again, welcome to this wonderful site, and I hope to see you around!

IceSkating SugarCube
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#1300305 by Maryann

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66
66
Review of Hawks With Sins  
for entry "The Crawling Thane
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Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
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#1300305 by Maryann

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Thank you for submitting your item to "Give Me Something to READ!!

So, you're considering publishing this? Good luck in your endeavor. I'm curious if you plan to publish as a novel, and if you'll keep the chapters as short as they are? It's not really a big deal, but they are flash fiction sized right now, which isn't typical. Anyway, I'll begin with my observations as I read and then give my overall opinion.

"The flute played mournfully..." I would ditch the adverb "mournfully" as it tells rather than shows. Maybe change the verb "played" to something a little more somber. Or "The flute played a mournful song."

To make this easier to read, I recommend putting a blank line between all paragraphs.

"soiled with more than just his own excretions..." I'm not sure how this is possible unless someone else is in the bed with him. MORE than just his own?

"As he was finishing..." "As he finished" Try to get rid of the word "was" whenever possible.

I'm a little confused about this mysterious woman. He fantasizes about her, and yet at the end of the chapter, he seems scared of her.

I'm curious what time period this is, as some of the language is a little strange for the modern day.

Overall, I like the writing style. I would be careful about giving too much information without revealing anything important to the story. The part about the ship cabin door, I had to read a few times to understand what it was saying. It could just be that I'm tired. I'm just not sure where he found the old door is relevant to the character or plot development. Maybe it's important to show how much the character enjoys finding old relics?

Anyway, thank you for sharing this with me. I will try to read more of this, though I can't guarantee I'll get through the whole thing. I'll do my best, as this is a bit longer of a story than I usually review.

I like the mysterious quality of this and am curious enough to read on. Nicely done!

IceSkating SugarCube


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67
67
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
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#1300305 by Maryann

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Thank you for submitting your item to "Give Me Something to READ!!

I've read enough of your work that I suspect you may be using some sort of translating software? The main idea of your poem comes through about celebrations and showing appreciation, but a lot of the finer details are lost.

You don't need a period at the end of the title.

Also, like the other poem, there are spaces between all the punctuation. This distracts from the piece.

Thanks for sharing!

IceSkating SugarCube


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68
68
Review of Stolen Birthday  
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Rated: E | (4.5)
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#1300305 by Maryann

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Greetings, charitykountz!! This is review 5/5 that I owe you. I was drawn to this story because I LOVE short flash fiction stories. They force the author to cut to the chase and cut out all unnecessary words.

I noticed that the word "bed" appears three times in the first few sentences. I understand you may not be revising this piece, but if you did, I would start there.

I wonder why the mom didn't tell the girl at 6 am that it wasn't her birthday, but maybe she was too tired to think of it.

I also just noticed after re-reading it that the word "door" is repeated five times. I'm not sure why, but repeated words are something I tend to pick up on.

I think this is a cute, simple story (simple is a MUST for such a short piece, so good job) Even though this is my fifth review, you can always request reviews from me at any time. I've enjoyed spending time in your port!!

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69
69
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
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#1300305 by Maryann

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Thank you for submitting your item to "Give Me Something to READ!!

This is a very interesting poem. I suspect there could be some translation issues, as some of the phrasings seem odd, but that could also be intentional and it doesn't detract from the piece too much, so I'll focus on other things.

First, I notice that there's an extra space before all of the periods and commas here, which should be fixed.

The last stanza sticks out to me because it's in the first person for the whole poem, and then switches to the second person in the last stanza. I think it should be edited to the first person. I would recommend something like this:

"Vent out frustrations on social media...

The rest of the stanza can stay the same.

This is one of those poems that I like more each time I read it. To be honest, I didn't understand it the first few times. However, sometimes I can be a little bit dense when it comes to poetry.

Nice job on this, and thank you for sharing it with me!

IceSkating SugarCube


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70
70
Review of Spring Is Sprung  
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Rated: E | (5.0)
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#1300305 by Maryann

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Hello, Detective !! I posted after you in I Write 2019, so here is my review.

I LOVE that the weather is finally getting warmer, and winter is finally starting to go away. *Smile* This poem is a fun read. I would love to see what the prompt for The Writer's Cramp was for this. Maybe you could add an "author's note" at the bottom. Using the dropnote feature keeps it looking clean and neat.

I also noticed a typo here:

"The slippery slush has lost its' power" You don't need an apostrophe on its.

Your poem flows well and has an easy rhyme scheme. Nice job, and good luck in the contest!

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71
71
Review of Treasure  
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Rated: E | (4.5)
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#1300305 by Maryann

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Hello, Sumojo and thank you for submitting your item to "Give Me Something to READ!!

This is an interesting story with a nice ending. Naming the boat "treasure" was a nice touch.

There is a lot of passive voice here. Count how many times the word "was" appears. It's even in the first sentence. In the case of the first sentence, I would change it to: "The cold, wet sand beneath her feet..." You might have to tweak it a bit to sound just right with your current sentence, but getting rid of most of the passive voice will make this stronger.

There's also a lot of the word "had" here. Most of those can be taken directly out without changing anything.

I would also go through and make sure there's a blank line between all paragraphs. It looks much neater and is easier to read.

I am curious how Sarah was able to tell from several hundred yards away that there was only one occupant in the boat. It would be surprising if she could even see the boat, let alone the one occupant.

I would also remove the adverb here: "She suddenly screamed into the wind,"..."suddenly" is needed, and clutters up the sentence. If it seems too boring without it, then find a more interesting verb instead of "screamed."

Other than that, I don't really see any more adverbs (good job) Stephen King says that the road to hell is paved with adverbs *Smile*

This is a strong little story. Thank you for sharing it with me.

IceSkating SugarCube


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Review of TOADSTOOLS  
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Rated: E | (4.5)
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#1300305 by Maryann

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Greetings, J.L. O'Dell , and thank you for entering SugarCube's contest!

This is a cute little story about fairies caught in the rain. Thank you for bolding the prompt words.

I have a few recommendations:

The sentence, "Darkness was fast approaching" is passive. I would change it to "Darkness approached fast." or even, "It would be dark soon."

Also, here: "...they moved slowly forward walking around each stone carefully." There are two adverbs used right next to each other. Instead, I would use different verbs. "They crept forward," {no need for "slowly} and I'm not sure the next part is even needed. Maybe it could say, "they crept forward, careful to navigate around each stone." Or another "careful not to slip on the wet stones."

Otherwise, this is a strong story. I like the whimsical quality to it. One more little thing that I happened to think of:

In the last line, I would change "...protecting them from the downpour." to "to protect them from the downpour.

Thank you for sharing your story with me, and good luck in the contest!

IceSkating SugarCube


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73
73
Review of Anna  
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Rated: E | (5.0)
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#1300305 by Maryann

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Greetings, dblameck (David) , and thank you for entering SugarCube's contest!

This is a strongly written piece. There are no pesky adverbs, repetitive words, or passive voice hanging out here. You have bolded the prompt words. (Thank you!)

Thank you for sharing it with me, and I hope to see you entering the contest again!

IceSkating SugarCube



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74
74
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
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#1300305 by Maryann

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Greetings, Sumojo , and thank for entering SugarCube's Weekly Random Contest!

This is a story of victory. The exhausted bird enthusiast is desperate to find a rare bird...and success!

I would recommend (though it isn't important for the judging of this contest) that the full title is capitalized: Amazonian Umbrella Bird

Although, there could be another side to this story (after reading it again).

The bird merely squawks in the tree...maybe he flies away before a picture can be taken? It makes the reader wonder exactly how this story will end. A sort of cliff hanger.

I see you've used the word "weaken" twice here. In such a short story, any repeated words become obvious. I would recommend changing one of them to a synonym.

This is a very creative use of the prompt words, and I hope you continue to enter the contest! Thanks for sharing this story with me *Smile*

IceSkating SugarCube


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75
75
Review of Hawks With Sins  
for entry "the Delicious Petals
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Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
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#1300305 by Maryann

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Hello Raven claus !!

"The the mages from the Blood Dawn school" The is repeated...

"... just as he was about to leave, a short rail thin woman..." a short, rail-thin woman..."

"...head mistress's "office"." First, the word "office" is repeated a LOT in this short piece, second, I have no idea why this time the word is in quotes. Is it not really an office? I'm confused.

" looks like you are alittle short on this moons payment." it should be "a little" and this moon's.

Toward the end of this, the word "peeved" is repetitive, and then you say that "he asked in annoyance." We know he's annoyed...it doesn't need to be repeated again.

"You are here, because i want to hire you..." "You are here (no comma) because I (capitalize I) want to hire you..."

"to find someone or more likely something that cripple..." "to find someone, or more likely, something that will cripple... OR "to cripple..."

My Impression
I like the writing style and the voice of this piece. I want to get to know this character. I was a little confused by this piece, and that it didn't seem to have an ending. Why would they want him to help cripple students? He's an investigator...I don't get why he would be called. This seems like a scene from a larger work, not a stand-alone story.

There's a bit of dialogue at the end of this that I had to read a few times because I had to figure out who was talking. I think it would be helpful to put all lines of dialogue in separate lines. Two or more characters should never be speaking in a single paragraph, especially without dialogue tags.

I think this is an interesting little scene. I was also confused as to why it was called "The Delicious Petals?"

Anyway, I see this is a book item, so I guess I should check out the rest of it...some of my questions may get answered that way *Smile*

Thanks for sharing your story!

IceSkating SugarCube


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