Thank you for submitting your item to "Give Me Something to READ!!" I'm giving this review on behalf of the Spring Writing Jamboree. Thank you for submitting this story and helping me out.
I love this! It's original, creepy, and very nicely done. I can see why this won SCREAMS!! It's written in present tense, which can be tough to pull off, but you managed it very nicely. Plus, it can be difficult to write a complete story in only 500 words, as many people try to take on a story that is too big for the flash fiction format, but you did great with that, as well. There's a beginning, middle, and end. You justify your character's actions by telling us how horrible the victims were in high school. The main character, although a lunatic, makes the reader sympathize with him.
I liked this story as-is but would love to see a little stronger ending. Maybe a twist, or surprise. I am a sucker for those types of stories, but like I said you're story is pretty awesome without it. Just a suggestion. I was curious how he ended up getting back home after he blacks out. At first, I thought he'd wake up in jail, and thought it pretty lucky that he somehow made it home.
I found a few minor things:
"In the mid eighteen-hundreds," mid-eighteen-hundreds
"mainly consist of my old high-school's football team" high school's
"each of whom trail after their former captain," trails
"I stare into Gareth Holbrook's fearful eyes," there shouldn't be a comma after "eyes".
"a misshapen eyeball stares lifeless on my floor." lifelessly
I'm rating this a 4.5 because it's a great story, but there are a few small issues mentioned above. I will gladly re-rate after it's edited.
Thank you for sharing your story with me
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