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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/jwhitedesigns/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/4
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406 Public Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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76
76
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello! This lovely poem came up when I clicked "Read & Review," so here I am.

I really like the flow and rhythm of this poem. I like that even though some of the rhymes aren't direct rhymes (the ends of the words may sound similar, but they don't actually rhyme) it still reads like a rhyming poem.

I like the last stanza the best. It's hopeful, and romantic, and sweet. Very nicely done!

IceSkating SugarCube
77
77
Review of Phineas  
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Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Sumojo !!

Thank you for submitting your story to
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If you'd like an HONEST review, please post an item for me to read and review.
#2179952 by IceSkatingSugarCube


As I read through, I will post anything that sticks out:
"Phineas lay on his narrow bed and squeezed his eyes tightly,"You can avoid using an adverb here by changing it to "sqeezed his eyes tight."

"...putting his hands over his ears to drown..."I would change this to "put" his hands...

The paragraph that begins with, "Fred Billingsgate was a thug, and everyone knew it..." threw me off because it switches from Phineas's point of view to the mother's. Is this a third person omniscient POV?

This story would read a little easier if there was a blank space between all paragraphs.

I would watch the number of adverbs in this. Also, the word "was" is repeated a lot which is a good indicator that there's too much passive voice used.

When the father throws a plate at Phineas, I would maybe use a different word than a "glancing" blow, because to me that means it doesn't hit him directly, but it grazes him which would not break his nose and cause blood to spurt like that.

“Where to son?” The ticket clerk asked." "Where to, Son?" We know that "Son" isn't his name, but because the bus driver is calling him that, it becomes a proper noun.

I'm assuming Phil Gates is supposed to be like Bill Gates?

This is a clever story. It's like those real-life stories of famous people, but a fictionalized one. I was expecting a little bit more of a "wow" ending, but it's still a good story. I liked Phineas and I felt for him throughout.

Thank you for sharing your story with me!

IceSkating SugarCube

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78
78
Review of Love  
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Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello, and welcome to Writing.Com!!

This is an interesting poem. The language used here is lovely. I do have a small suggestion, but keep in mind, that either way, it's still a great piece of poetry.

The last two stanzas don't seem to fit the rest of the poem. It goes from a fairly regular rhyme scheme to barely one at all. The theme of the poem is also changed, but I don't think it's for the better. It switches from a lovely ocean scene to an opinion piece. I think this piece would be made stronger by eliminating the bottom two stanzas altogether. Maybe a new one could be added at the end to bring the poem to a close.

I hope you are enjoying Writing.com so far. If you haven't done so yet, make sure to check out all the wonderful contests!

Thank you for sharing your wonderful poem!

IceSkating SugarCube

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#1300305 by Maryann

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79
79
Review of Imagine  
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Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello!

This lovely poem came up when I hit the "read and review" button, so here I am.

I really enjoyed this poem, especially the last line.

One thing that I noticed, though, was that the poem started off with a strong rhyme scheme, but then petered out toward the end. I think it could be a much stronger poem if the second half rhymed as strongly as the first.

This is a great poem!

IceSkating SugarCube


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#1300305 by Maryann

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80
80
Review of Leary  
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Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello!

Thank you for entering SugarCube's contest!

I noticed a few things:

"Wake up, Sean, were down and hidden." This doesn't make sense. I'm guessing it's supposed to be "we're" instead of "were", but I'm not sure what it's trying to say.

The beginning is confusing because I have no idea where we are and what's going on. I would start off with more description of what's happening, instead of vague talk about stasis fields and metric tons.

There's also a fair amount of mixed tenses here...it switches between past and present. This paragraph is an example of what I mean,

"This mission was to map out a new planet a passing merchant picked up, very old style audio and visual electronic signals. Leary and her staff have been analyzing them for days and feeding the languages and cultures into my mind through the imbedded data link. I enjoy walking around in the unlimited quantum memory we share. Also "embedded" is spelled with an "e".

I like the bickering between the two main characters, it helps move the story along.

I like the last line as well. A nice ending!

IceSkating SugarCube



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#1300305 by Maryann

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81
81
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Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello, and thank you for entering SugarCube's contest!

I love the message of this poem. It's always sad when people make the commitment to care for an animal, and then go back on their word. Many animals are euthanized every year because of that.

I like that you have written your poem in the POV of the animal. Nice touch. Good luck in the contest!

IceSkating SugarCube

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#1300305 by Maryann

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82
82
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Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hello! Thank you for entering SugarCube's contest!

This is an interesting store. The plot is easy to understand, and the pacing flows well.

There are several instances where the tenses switch from past to present, so I'd watch that.

I also notice that you start the story off with a lot of adverbs. Slowly, clearly, aggressively, suddenly.

I do like the tension in this story and the plot twist of her having a twin sister. Nicely done.

IceSkating SugarCube

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#1300305 by Maryann

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83
83
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Rated: E | (5.0)
I am sending this review as per the "I Write in 2019 requirements.

In this line: "That is contained with in", it should be "within. Just one word.

That was the only issue I found here. This is a cleverly written poem about imagination and the fun and adventure of children, old houses and playtime.

I like the last stanza and the emphasis on traveling to "lands unknown," but "they are always back in time for dinner." I very nice ending.

Good luck in the contest!

IceSkating SugarCube



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#1300305 by Maryann

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84
84
Review of Swim Free  
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Rated: E | (5.0)
I like this!

Double acrostics are hard. I appreciated the author's note explaining about the different dolphins, as I would have had no idea otherwise.

I also loved the sentiment of this poem, that dolphins deserve to swim free...they do, indeed. The line "Maui's dolphin almost just a dream" really drives home the point of this poem.

I'm glad this poem won the contest. Very nicely done!

IceSkating SugarCube

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#1300305 by Maryann

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85
85
Review of Force of Gravity  
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Rated: E | (5.0)
Greetings, Soldier Mike!

This little story showed up when I clicked the "Read & Review" button, so here I am. First, this sounds like a great concept for a contest...I'll have to check it out. As far as the story goes, I love that you were still able to include descriptions in your story, keep up a simple storyline, and cram it all into 55 words. Impressive!

I like the end of this, that Jimmy knows something that the other guy doesn't. That his boots are not costume junk from a convention.

Nice job!

IceSkating SugarCube

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#1300305 by Maryann

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86
86
Review of Cruise Ship  
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Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
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#1300305 by Maryann

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I like this. I think my favorite part is the imagery of his heart being returned, wrapped in divorce papers. (wow)

I have nothing to comment on as far as typos/grammar...all that. It looks good.

I also like that in the first stanza he says that he's never coming home again, and in the last one, the sentiment is repeated except it says that she's never coming home again. Powerful.

Nicely written! Good job!

IceSkating SugarCube


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87
87
Review of Unihipili  
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Rated: E | (5.0)
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#1300305 by Maryann

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This is an interesting poem! I'm curious what the title means, and its relevance to the poem.

I did find one little typo: "A thought too small for your to bear," should be "A thought too small for you to bear."

The middle section of this almost reminded me of a riddle.

The language is interesting, and it's one of those poems that are all about mood and tone. You're not sure exactly what it means, but what matters is how it made you feel...what it leaves behind. I have several poems like that, too. I liked this!

IceSkating SugarCube


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88
88
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Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
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#1300305 by Maryann

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Such a sad poem! This is a very clever contest prompt!

I have no advice to better this piece, as it looks pretty well finished to me. Those of us who have lost a loved one to cancer know all too well how true this poem is.

Thank you for sharing this beautiful poem. It's emotional and raw and asks a lot of important questions.

Nicely done!

IceSkating SugarCube


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89
89
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello! Nice to meet you! What sort of stories do you like to write? If you ever need anything reviewed, stop by my portfolio, and enter your pieces into my item called "Give Me Something To Read." I give honest reviews.

I think you'll like it here at Writing.com...I love it here!

IceSkating SugarCube
90
90
Review of Singularity  
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Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
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#1300305 by Maryann

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Thank you for submitting your story to "Give Me Something to READ!!

This piece isn't in need of a line edit. Everything looks great.

Plot: Davi and Tamor are two humans that are part of a larger group that are surviving underground after a robot takeover. Unless I'm wrong about the plot, it was easy to understand.

I liked the conversation in the beginning about the chicken and the egg, and how Tamor says weird things (regrowing teeth) that Davi doesn't understand.

There's a lot of truth in this story, and that is that we, as humans, have indeed lost our curiosity. That and our increased need for machines is what fuels the underlying tension of the story, but I felt that it lacked any other tension besides that.

The details are great, the characters are realistic and relatable. Maybe a little more tension between the two characters would help?

That's really my only suggestion for this, as I think it's very well written and a great entry for this contest.

Oh, and as someone with eyesight that is going south, I appreciate the increased font size.

Good luck in the contest!

IceSkating SugarCube


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91
91
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
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#1300305 by Maryann

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This is a sweet poem about home and family. I also enjoy traveling (though I've never traveled the world, or been to any of the places mentioned in this poem) but I like to go places with my family and make memories with them.

I like the imagery of "for second helpings of the Thanksgiving meal."

A very well-written poem. Nice job!

IceSkating SugarCube
92
92
Review of LIVE!  
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Rated: E | (5.0)
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#1300305 by Maryann

Heart and Mind Raid

A lovely poem, with a great message! This has almost a musical quality to it. It's hard not to read it without it sounding a bit sing-songy.

Enjoy yourself, just live! is very good advice, that most don't follow. A truly great poem. Nicely done!

IceSkating SugarCube
93
93
Review of FIVE O'CLOCK  
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Rated: E | (5.0)
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#1300305 by Maryann

Heart and Mind Raid

This is a bleak, and lonely poem. I loved it. This is what writing honestly is all about. I loved the comparison of drowning with being overwhelmed by the sea of people at rush hour. The idea that even though we are surrounded by people, we are alone. It's a lonesome thought, but as an introvert, it rings true for me. Very nicely done.

I look forward to reading more of your stuff.

IceSkating SugarCube
94
94
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Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
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#1300305 by Maryann

Heart and Mind Raid

This is a splendid entry for 24 syllables! I really like your use of the prompt, and that you included a definition at the bottom. I also liked how you broke up the two halves of the poem with the little graphics.

Because I live very far away from the sea, I have never heard such a warning, but I can still imagine it, thanks to this descriptive piece!

Very nicely done!

IceSkating SugarCube
95
95
Review of Mesmerized  
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Rated: E | (5.0)
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#1300305 by Maryann

Heart and Mind Raid

A very nice entry for 24 syllables! If I could make one suggestion, it would be to include a definition for the prompt word, "ensorcell" as it is a very strange word, and it's hard to get a sense for its definition based on how it's used.

I like the last line, "My wounded heart's in painful glee."

Nicely done!

IceSkating SugarCube
96
96
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Rated: E | (5.0)
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#1300305 by Maryann

Heart and Mind Raid

A splendid poem! I loved all the different types of thoughts, and the images attached to them. The happy gentleman, the slug, the centipede, the depressed soul with his head down. I love how all of this wraps up with the glazed eyes of the person during a lecture.

Brilliantly done! Nice job!

IceSkating SugarCube
97
97
Review of The Descent  
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Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
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#1300305 by Maryann

Heart and Mind Raid

This is a wonderfully creepy poem. A very good response to the photo prompt.

My favorite line is this one:
"Pray not for me, for on you I prey." I'm not sure, but I think there should be a comma after "you."

Good luck in the contest! This is a very well-written entry. Nicely done!

IceSkating SugarCube

98
98
Review of Choosing Happy  
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Rated: E | (4.5)
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#1300305 by Maryann

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There's a lot of truth in this little poem. I liked the subtle rhyme scheme and rhythm of this. It flows very nicely. The last line is a great reminder to us all to get out there and make our own happiness. I also like the title of this as well. It sums up the poem very nicely. Well done!

IceSkating SugarCube
99
99
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Rated: E | (5.0)
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#1300305 by Maryann

Heart and Mind Raid

I like this! My favorite line is this one:
"By hurry and worry to scurry about"

The rhyme of this is lovely. I also like the couplet style of this and the rhythm flows nicely.

There's a constant struggle with a lot of people between work and relaxation. I'm hoping the author chose to relax a bit longer. Very nicely done!

IceSkating SugarCube
100
100
Review of On Call  
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Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
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#1300305 by Maryann

Heart and Mind Raid

I will post things I notice first, and then I'll give my opinion.

"‘Not feeling well again , dad !’ You don't need these ' ' quotes. Just these " ones will do. You have an extra space between "again" and the comma. Also, you should capitalize "Dad".

"What’s the trouble son, explain." I would suggest: "What's the trouble, Son? Explain."

"Darkness, doubts and fear." There should be a comma after "doubts."

This is a conversation between father and son. I would recommend only using double quotes throughout. BUT, maybe putting one of the characters words in italics to set it apart.

My thoughts: I think this is a very well written piece. It has an easy rhyme that doesn't seem forced and it's poignant and powerful. Nicely done!

IceSkating SugarCube




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