|Hello Sumojo !!
Thank you for submitting your story to
As I read through, I will post anything that sticks out:
"Phineas lay on his narrow bed and squeezed his eyes tightly,"You can avoid using an adverb here by changing it to "sqeezed his eyes tight."
"...putting his hands over his ears to drown..."I would change this to "put" his hands...
The paragraph that begins with, "Fred Billingsgate was a thug, and everyone knew it..." threw me off because it switches from Phineas's point of view to the mother's. Is this a third person omniscient POV?
This story would read a little easier if there was a blank space between all paragraphs.
I would watch the number of adverbs in this. Also, the word "was" is repeated a lot which is a good indicator that there's too much passive voice used.
When the father throws a plate at Phineas, I would maybe use a different word than a "glancing" blow, because to me that means it doesn't hit him directly, but it grazes him which would not break his nose and cause blood to spurt like that.
“Where to son?” The ticket clerk asked." "Where to, Son?" We know that "Son" isn't his name, but because the bus driver is calling him that, it becomes a proper noun.
I'm assuming Phil Gates is supposed to be like Bill Gates?
This is a clever story. It's like those real-life stories of famous people, but a fictionalized one. I was expecting a little bit more of a "wow" ending, but it's still a good story. I liked Phineas and I felt for him throughout.
Thank you for sharing your story with me!
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