Hello! Thank you for entering my contest! I'm just getting some early reading done before tomorrow's judging. I really enjoyed this poem! It sort of reminded me of the Mandolin Orange song, "Wildfire." I really like these lines:
"Po’ white, trash white, lookin’ down,
Step on backs of black and brown.
Call selves better, call selves right.
Must have someone to step on tonight."
It has an easy flow and rhythm, and the rhyme seems natural. Very nice poem! Thank you for sharing it with me!
Because I know you like horror, I was really expecting something gruesome and terrible, and you didn't disappoint with the "eyes" and "skin" being peeled by this strange character's knife. What kind of job could he possibly have that would require such work? Besides a surgeon, of course.
I was NOT expecting him to be a cook, peeling potatoes. A brilliant ending! I was not expecting it. Loved it!
This is a nice, clever little poem. If I could make a couple little suggestions, it would be this:
Some of your lines are too long. They make the poem read awkwardly.
I also see some areas that could use some punctuation, like this line: "As I grew I wanted lovecomma it didn't seem to matter who,"
Anyway, thanks for sharing this on the Please Review page.
This is a cute little story. I noticed a few things here:
" Joe stated " Molly, what are you doing out here?" Molly proudly stands up tall and exclaims very loudly, " I am going to tell my new friends a story!" Pointing to a group of kids standing by the park bench that Molly is standing on." This part is worded awkwardly. It starts with "Joe stated..." but then he doesn't state anything. He asks a question. It's a little weird to have the dialogue tag come before the actual dialogue. I would do this with it:
"Molly, what are you doing out here?" Joe asks.
Molly stands up tall and proud. "I am going to tell my new friends a story!" She points to a group of kids standing near the bench that she's standing on.
There is also a lot of tense issues. It switches back and forth between past and present. Both are fine to use but pick one.
Your paragraphs are much too long. Each line of dialogue, for the most part, should go on its own line. Also, watch the use of dialogue tags. There are usually more of them in children's stories, but it's easy to overuse them.
This is a cute story. It would be much easier to read if formatted a little better, but you have a good start here.
A nice Valentine poem! I have a few suggestions:
Your use of the word "worlds" is possessive, so it should have an apostrophe {world's)
In this line:
"Although some Asian counties do not celebrate" You have misspelled "countries."
And in this line: "Anyways. No matter what state" I'm not sure it's technically wrong, but it would sound better to say "anyway," instead of "anyways."
In this part:
"This valentine is spreading
Love around the globe
While he was heading
Into all creations with a strobe"
The tenses are mixed here. By saying the Valentine IS spreading implies it's happening right now (present tense) and then it says "while he WAS spreading" is past tense.
Anyway, thank you for sharing your poem on the "Please Review" page. It's a cute festive poem!
This is a lovely poem with a lot of awesome imagery. It has a strong fantasy feel to it. If I could suggest one thing, it would be this:
In this line "Then the monolith it speak!" I know that it says "speak" to be a direct rhyme with "seek", but I think you could change it to "speaks" and still retain the rhyme. In the few times I read over this, I got stuck on that line, because of it saying "speak" instead of "speaks."
Anyway, I see you're new, so welcome to writing.com!!
I'm just going to put my random thoughts here, as I read.
1. I have a special needs kid too
2. Wow, a realtor, AND a paralegal. Sheesh, that's pretty impressive.
3. Congrats on getting your books published! I have one nonfiction ebook out there in the world. It's certainly a lot different than writing fiction. This sounds like a really interesting series.
4. This line, "Some people won't like your writing. Your writing isn’t for everyone." That is one of the best pieces of writing advice out there. So many people try so hard for EVERYONE to like them...it will never happen.
5. Good luck in the RV. Someday, when the kids are grown, I would love to ditch the house and go RV full time. Doing it with a couple kids will be a challenge, but building your dream home will make it all worth it.
6. I like that you made a separate static item for your to-do list. I kind of wish I had thought to do that with my Dear Me letter. It keeps the letter itself clean.
I didn't find anything wrong here...no spelling, or grammar problems. Good luck in the contest!
I will copy and paste part of your story here where I find typos or other issues.
"I suddenly decide to throw open the now unlocked door open." throw the now unlocked door open." You might even take out "now." Also "decide" is present tense. Switching to "decided" makes more sense.
"how useless it was to try covering up for them at this point." This one is another tense issue. To keep it consistently in past tense, I think it should be "at THAT point."
"they offered me a buffet of foods I didn't even knew existed" I didn't even KNOW existed
..."flinging the door open behind me and crashing onto the..." crashed
..."white-substance covered floor..."
white substance-covered floor
"He screamed in fear from the doorway as alarms blared out deafeningly and I scrambled to my feet, not even pausing to let the petrified look on his face sink in as frantic thoughts of what I'd done and just what those alarms would bring right to me if I didn’t get out of there as fast as I possibly could flooded my brain."
This sentence is long and not very clearly written.
I understand all too well how hard flash fiction is, especially when there's a word limit for a contest. I would, however like more information as to this laboratory, and what exactly it is. There are two brothers, one wants to leave, the other stay...but there's not much clue as to what sort of place it is.
I love the mood of this story, it's sort of creepy. I picture the laboratory as being dark, and underground (if not literally underground, it is secretive and secluded).
Thank you for sharing this with me. I think this would make an awesome longer story.
Hello! This is an interesting poem that seems to slightly change meaning as it progresses. At first, it's purely about the music itself, then we move on (I think) to instrument playing, then I' not exactly sure what's happening. Listening to music on cell phones, and then there's language that makes me think of exercising (leg warmers), but I'm not quite sure. The next paragraph is more on the exercise theme,
Then we somehow get to social media and then ends with thanking the forefathers for being spiritual. I'm not sure I understand what the last half of the poem means, but one line that sticks out to me as particularly lovely is: ..."is magic of fingers,
as my heart lingers."
This is an interesting piece with a lot of clever imagery. I would recommend paying attention to capitalization, as this seemed sort of all over the place, with random words capitalized for no apparent reason. I would also separate this out into sentences, as right now it's one long sentence. It also reads quite a lot like a poem, have you considered putting this in poetry form? It would look something like this:
Devils In Orange Bottles
Have courted me In their finery
Actually, now that I've done that, it looks like maybe this used to be in poetry form, as the capitalized words that at first looked random now make sense. If this is the case, I would put it back into poetry form. Anyway, just my two cents. I see that this has a couple of fairly low ratings, and this could be why...I doubt it's the subject matter or the quality of the writing. It could just be the form it's currently in. I hope this helps, and again, welcome to writing.com!
Here are a few things I noticed when reading this. I will put items directly from your story in quotes.
" We were all playing Battlefront 5, hot of the presses." it should be "hot off the presses."
The second paragraph is much to large. All the dialogue should be separate paragraphs. When a new person starts talking, start a new paragraph. This makes it less confusing and easier to read.
Also, would throwing a controller at a TV break the TV? And would the TV breaking really make it "spontaneously combust?"
The last sentence of the second paragraph trails off without finishing, " I knew Nikolai and had met Uzamaki. I"
In this sentence, "Uzamaki did just that, that day we learned that mix enough..." I would break it into two sentences, and reword it a little. "Uzamaki did just that. We learned that..."
"Just to prove his intelligence, the lit it and swam up." I don't know what this means??
My thoughts:
I think this is a good premise for a longer piece (which I think that's what this was intended to be anyway). I could see this being a series, chronicling the friendships and mischief between the boys.
First, and this is just my opinion because I don't have a solid reason besides I think it would look better, I would put the "reasoning behind poem" part at the bottom instead of the top. That way the poem is the main focus and people can read the backstory after they've read it.
Your spelling, grammar, usage all look pretty good. Nothing jumped out at me there.
In your line, "Know that she wants...", I would change it to "knowing that she wants..."
I'm sorry about your friend, and I hope that you can find peace with what she did to you. Thank you for sharing your poem with me.
Hello, and welcome to writing.com! I enjoyed your poem and am looking forward to seeing more from you. Reality sure is a strange thing sometimes. Make sure to check out the contests here. There are TONS of poetry ones. Good work on the poem. Have a nice night!
I love the flow and rhythm here. The rhyme is natural and doesn't seem forced. I agree with the subject matter. If our country were a tree, it certainly wouldn't be a very healthy one. Nice job. I look forward to reading more of your work. Have a good night,
A truly amazing poem. I love the imagery of "maple snow," and the honesty of "we tortured our sisters together, then carried the guilt." I too, am a Laura Ingalls Wilder fan. I love this piece. Very nicely done. Have a nice night,
I love the imagery of this poem. I like the idea of "loose leaf friends", and the small town being located "near the edge of whits end". Lovely, thought-provoking language here! Awesome job! I look forward to reading more of your writing. Have a good day!
A very nice poem with an apocalyptic, post-war feel. I loved the imagery expressed here. I do have one question. Your line: "There is only be green". I'm not sure I understand what it means. Maybe it's a typo, or maybe I just don't understand. Anyway, I love the last line and the hopefulness of helping others. Great job!
I like this poem a lot. I love the imagery here. I have never flown in an airplane, but I can imagine this clearly. Very nicely done . Have you entered any contests? I highly recommend them! I look forward to reading more of your items. Have a good day!!
Oooh, I love this one! A very worshipful, powerful poem. I needed this one today. I love the natural rhythm and flow of this piece, and the rhymes come easily, without force. Kudos for a well-written, awesome poem.
I enjoyed this story. Sort of like the tortoise and the hare, but with brothers. Siblings can be so competitive, and meddlesome. I really liked the descriptions, especially in the first scene, at the coffee shop. The worn coat, the spectacle on the street with the limo. I really felt like I was there.
Nice! I love how it rhymes and totally reminds me of an open mic situation where the performer recited the same poem for at least twenty minutes...and seemed to be making up half of it on the spot. Definitely a ramble, for sure. Look at me, I'm doing the same thing. Anyway, nice entry for the contest. Best of luck to you!
A lovely entry for the contest! This brings such poignant imagery of war and heartache. Good luck to you in the contest. I have such a hard time with the unique words chosen for the prompt each day. I always have to google what they mean. Good job to you!
Wow, you did a great job with this prompt! I found this week's prompt to be pretty tough. I love the mood of this, and even though this could very well take place in any time period, I get an old-timey sort of vibe from it. Good luck in the contest, but I don't think you'll need it. Nicely done.
Cleverly written! I loved the ending to this. I noticed a couple little things, such as "only sounds he could he hear" and there's a reference to "tribesman" in the plural sense. Should it be "tribesmen?" I'm not entirely sure, to be honest. Anyway, those are just tiny details. The overall story is a winner, for sure!
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