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126
126
Review of Dismal Creek  
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Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
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#1300305 by Maryann

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Initial thoughts:
You had my attention with the first paragraph and the mention of the old cemetery.

This is a creepy, and oddly funny story. I love historical tales, even fictional ones, and this one did not disappoint.

Grammar/spelling: I didn't notice any. This was very well written.

The ending was both sad because his fiance was killed and he gets punished for her death, but also funny because of the last line.

This story was submitted to my reviewing forum "Give Me Something to READ!! by someone who liked it and wanted to share it with me.

A very enjoyable read!

IceSkating SugarCube



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127
127
Review of Slogan  
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Rated: E | (4.0)
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#1300305 by Maryann

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Thank you for submitting your story to "Give Me Something to READ!!

I'm a bit confused about this piece. It seems weird to take up one of your static items for just three sentences. Especially since most of it is about an essay and a poem that you are going to post, but haven't yet. If you'd like to share those pieces with me to be reviewed, that would be awesome. I'm just not sure what you wanted me to do with this particular one. The slogan itself is lovely, but where I live there isn't much warmth from the sun. I enjoy the warmth from my wood stove. Anyway, feel free to share your poem or essay with me.

IceSkating SugarCube


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128
128
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Rated: E | (4.5)
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#1300305 by Maryann

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Thank you for submitting your story to "Give Me Something to READ!!

First off, I'll start with a basic line edit, before I give my thoughts.

Simplicity and innocence are the essence essences of one's good character.

Talent is something which everyone is born with but to excel in it depends on our desires and struggles.

Hobby is something which a person developes develops during childhood years to rejoice in spare time by keeping themselves busy.

Teachers are the hard- driving hard-driving (no space) inspiration of education.

School is the best temple of worship and learning.

Friendship is the mutual understanding and concern between friends.one . One must never forget that the chosen friend of yours is the pillar to success.

Wise words. I wonder if the school is the best temple of worship and learning, what is being worshiped? Knowledge?

This reads like the proverbs of old.

Thank you for sharing this with me.








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129
129
Review of Dragonfire City  
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Rated: E | (4.0)
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#1300305 by Maryann

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Thank you for submitting your story to "Give Me Something to READ!!

This was an action-packed, fast-paced story. I do have a few suggestions.

The first part was confusing to me because I didn't find out immediately that the MC was trying to talk to someone. Maybe include a description of the silent man.

Also, the opening line doesn't make it clear to me that the main character is speaking, because in the second paragraph there's a lot of "nothin'" and "layin'", but none of that in the first line.

In this bit of dialogue (or monologue, really) "“They use the gold and jewels to catch fools like me. That’s how they decide who to feed to the dragons.”

Well, that just made it worse."

I'm confused about what made it worse? He's talking basically to himself. What happened here?

This bit here confused me too, "Ow.

That hurt worse than anythin’ I ever felt before. Good thin’ it doesn’t hurt anymore. Or is that a bad thin’? It’s good it doesn’t hurt, it’s bad ‘cause I think that means I’m dyin’. Plus side, I can see everythin’ from up here!

What hurt? There's no narration or anything to tell the reader what is happening. Now he's up in the air, so I assume a dragon picked him up, but because the story didn't actually say that, I'm not sure.

"Wait! Pull up! Pull up! Whoa….that is sooo…HOT! HOT! VERY HOT!"
Again, what is hot? Why did the dragons pick up the main character, then continue to circle everyone else, and WHAT IS HOT??


I think this story can work, but it can't be all dialogue. Maybe the contest you entered required it to be all dialogue, but otherwise, with as much action this story has, it feels fake to have one guy chatting away the whole time. Also, this isn't really omniscient, because we really only get to be inside the one guy's head. That works well because any more people's thoughts and it would be really confusing.

Also, why was he used as bait to lure the dragons? Why did the other guys want the dragons to come? Why didn't the plan work? All these were unanswered by the end of the story.

Again, I think this could work, but I was confused for most of it.

Thank you for sharing it with me!

IceSkating SugarCube


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130
130
Review of For a Cookie  
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Rated: E | (5.0)
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#1300305 by Maryann

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Hello*BigSmile* I'm just doing some early reading before tomorrow's judging for SugarCube's contest.

This was a cute story. I liked the storybook quality of this tale and the closing line. It makes me wonder if the strange man did, in fact, have magic, or if he was a swindler, after a little girl's cookies. I like to think that after that last cookie, he supplied her and her mom with the promised food, but who knows? I like that the story left off for us to draw our own conclusions.

Nice job, and thanks for sharing it with me!

IceSkating SugarCube


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131
131
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Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
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#1300305 by Maryann

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I'm just doing a little early reading before tomorrow's judging. Thank you for entering my contest.

First of all, I love the main characters name. It really fits this guy well. My favorite thing about Chesterton is that he KNOWS he's right, he's cocky and sure of himself, he is free from fault or error...but then he does something really stupid like forgetting to put a camera in with the duck...or goofs on his calculations which ends up sending the weird freako duck thing back to him.

Nicely done story. It was certainly entertaining.

IceSkating SugarCube


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132
132
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Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
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#1300305 by Maryann

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Hello! Thank you for entering my contest! I'm just getting some early reading done before tomorrow's judging. I really enjoyed this poem! It sort of reminded me of the Mandolin Orange song, "Wildfire." I really like these lines:
"Po’ white, trash white, lookin’ down,
Step on backs of black and brown.
Call selves better, call selves right.
Must have someone to step on tonight."

It has an easy flow and rhythm, and the rhyme seems natural. Very nice poem! Thank you for sharing it with me!



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133
133
Review of The Eyes Have It  
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Rated: E | (5.0)
Because I know you like horror, I was really expecting something gruesome and terrible, and you didn't disappoint with the "eyes" and "skin" being peeled by this strange character's knife. What kind of job could he possibly have that would require such work? Besides a surgeon, of course.

I was NOT expecting him to be a cook, peeling potatoes. A brilliant ending! I was not expecting it. Loved it!

IceSkating SugarCube

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#1300305 by Maryann

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134
134
Review of Just Me  
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Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
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#1300305 by Maryann

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This is a nice, clever little poem. If I could make a couple little suggestions, it would be this:
Some of your lines are too long. They make the poem read awkwardly.
I also see some areas that could use some punctuation, like this line: "As I grew I wanted lovecomma it didn't seem to matter who,"

Anyway, thanks for sharing this on the Please Review page.

IceSkating SugarCube


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135
135
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Rated: E | (4.0)
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#1300305 by Maryann

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This is a cute little story. I noticed a few things here:

" Joe stated " Molly, what are you doing out here?" Molly proudly stands up tall and exclaims very loudly, " I am going to tell my new friends a story!" Pointing to a group of kids standing by the park bench that Molly is standing on."
This part is worded awkwardly. It starts with "Joe stated..." but then he doesn't state anything. He asks a question. It's a little weird to have the dialogue tag come before the actual dialogue. I would do this with it:

"Molly, what are you doing out here?" Joe asks.
Molly stands up tall and proud. "I am going to tell my new friends a story!" She points to a group of kids standing near the bench that she's standing on.

There is also a lot of tense issues. It switches back and forth between past and present. Both are fine to use but pick one.


Your paragraphs are much too long. Each line of dialogue, for the most part, should go on its own line. Also, watch the use of dialogue tags. There are usually more of them in children's stories, but it's easy to overuse them.

This is a cute story. It would be much easier to read if formatted a little better, but you have a good start here.


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136
136
Review of Shameless Blue  
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Rated: E | (4.5)
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#1300305 by Maryann

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Thank you for submitting your story to "Give Me Something to READ!!

I have often wondered about the naming paint colors thing myself. I crochet, so I see a lot of strange yarn colors all the time.

I found one little typo here: "I found an whole new spectrum of writing prompts". a whole new spectrum..."

I like the idea of the houses in the neighborhood gossiping about the newly painted house.

Thank you for sharing this with me!

IceSkating SugarCube



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137
137
Review of Storm Damage  
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Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
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#1300305 by Maryann

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Thank you for submitting your story to "Give Me Something to READ!!

In this paragraph: "At ninety years of age, Lila had been a hoot." "had been" is repeated 5 times.

This sentence: "She had been known what she wanted from life and did not hesitate to demand it." It doesn't make sense.

" I know these pictures Christine thought." This sounds weird to me, mostly because there's no punctuation here. I would be more likely to say "she knew those letters." or "she recognized those letters." If you want to keep it as a direct thought, I would put it like this:
I know these pictures...Putting the thought in quotes takes away the need for the tag, "she thought."


" Me was obviously Rosalind." Put "Me" in quotes.
"Christine had found a copy of this photograph in Lila’s things and had asked her grandmother about it." There's a lot of "had" in this story. Most of them can just be cut out...they're unnecessary. "Christine found a copy of this photograph in Lila's things and asked her grandmother about it."

"Christine was certain that month would hold the explanation as to why Lila Hanley, a woman who loved being by the ocean, refused to set foot on the sands of Rehoboth Beach." I'm confused as to how the main character knows this information, about the grandma refusing to go to the beach?

I think this story would perhaps make a better long story than a short one. BUT, there's SO MUCH passive voice here, that it makes it a pretty boring read. I can see the story in there, but it will have to be reworked a bit. I'm wondering why this story is in the POV that it's in? Why the granddaughter, when she's not an active part of the plot, but merely a passive onlooker?

The real issue here is there is no action...the entire story takes place in the past, there's nothing in the present to anchor it.

Again, thank you for sharing this with me.

IceSkating SugarCube




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138
138
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Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
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#1300305 by Maryann

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A nice Valentine poem! I have a few suggestions:
Your use of the word "worlds" is possessive, so it should have an apostrophe {world's)

In this line:
"Although some Asian counties do not celebrate"
You have misspelled "countries."

And in this line: "Anyways. No matter what state" I'm not sure it's technically wrong, but it would sound better to say "anyway," instead of "anyways."

In this part:
"This valentine is spreading
Love around the globe
While he was heading
Into all creations with a strobe"

The tenses are mixed here. By saying the Valentine IS spreading implies it's happening right now (present tense) and then it says "while he WAS spreading" is past tense.

Anyway, thank you for sharing your poem on the "Please Review" page. It's a cute festive poem!


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139
139
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Rated: E | (4.5)
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#1300305 by Maryann

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This is a lovely poem with a lot of awesome imagery. It has a strong fantasy feel to it. If I could suggest one thing, it would be this:
In this line "Then the monolith it speak!" I know that it says "speak" to be a direct rhyme with "seek", but I think you could change it to "speaks" and still retain the rhyme. In the few times I read over this, I got stuck on that line, because of it saying "speak" instead of "speaks."

Anyway, I see you're new, so welcome to writing.com!!

A great poem!


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140
140
Review of Dear Me 2019  
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Rated: E | (5.0)
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#1300305 by Maryann

Celebrating you! Congratulations!

Thank you for submitting your story to "Give Me Something to READ!!

I'm just going to put my random thoughts here, as I read.
1. I have a special needs kid too *BigSmile*
2. Wow, a realtor, AND a paralegal. Sheesh, that's pretty impressive.
3. Congrats on getting your books published! I have one nonfiction ebook out there in the world. It's certainly a lot different than writing fiction. This sounds like a really interesting series.
4. This line, "Some people won't like your writing. Your writing isn’t for everyone." That is one of the best pieces of writing advice out there. So many people try so hard for EVERYONE to like them...it will never happen.
5. Good luck in the RV. Someday, when the kids are grown, I would love to ditch the house and go RV full time. Doing it with a couple kids will be a challenge, but building your dream home will make it all worth it.
6. I like that you made a separate static item for your to-do list. I kind of wish I had thought to do that with my Dear Me letter. It keeps the letter itself clean.

I didn't find anything wrong here...no spelling, or grammar problems. Good luck in the contest!

IceSkating SugarCube




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141
141
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Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
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#1300305 by Maryann

Celebrating you! Congratulations!

Thank you for submitting your story to "Give Me Something to READ!!

I will copy and paste part of your story here where I find typos or other issues.

"I suddenly decide to throw open the now unlocked door open." throw the now unlocked door open." You might even take out "now." Also "decide" is present tense. Switching to "decided" makes more sense.

"how useless it was to try covering up for them at this point." This one is another tense issue. To keep it consistently in past tense, I think it should be "at THAT point."

"they offered me a buffet of foods I didn't even knew existed"
I didn't even KNOW existed

..."flinging the door open behind me and crashing onto the..."
crashed

..."white-substance covered floor..."

white substance-covered floor

"He screamed in fear from the doorway as alarms blared out deafeningly and I scrambled to my feet, not even pausing to let the petrified look on his face sink in as frantic thoughts of what I'd done and just what those alarms would bring right to me if I didn’t get out of there as fast as I possibly could flooded my brain."

This sentence is long and not very clearly written.

I understand all too well how hard flash fiction is, especially when there's a word limit for a contest. I would, however like more information as to this laboratory, and what exactly it is. There are two brothers, one wants to leave, the other stay...but there's not much clue as to what sort of place it is.

I love the mood of this story, it's sort of creepy. I picture the laboratory as being dark, and underground (if not literally underground, it is secretive and secluded).

Thank you for sharing this with me. I think this would make an awesome longer story.

IceSkating SugarCube



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142
142
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Rated: E | (4.0)
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#1300305 by Maryann

Celebrating you! Congratulations!

Thank you for submitting your poem to "Give Me Something to READ!!

Hello! This is an interesting poem that seems to slightly change meaning as it progresses. At first, it's purely about the music itself, then we move on (I think) to instrument playing, then I' not exactly sure what's happening. Listening to music on cell phones, and then there's language that makes me think of exercising (leg warmers), but I'm not quite sure. The next paragraph is more on the exercise theme,

Then we somehow get to social media and then ends with thanking the forefathers for being spiritual. I'm not sure I understand what the last half of the poem means, but one line that sticks out to me as particularly lovely is: ..."is magic of fingers,
as my heart lingers."

Thank you for sharing your poem with me

IceSkating SugarCube



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143
143
Review of Opiate  
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Rated: E | (4.5)
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#1300305 by Maryann

Celebrating you! Congratulations!

Hello, and welcome to writing.com!

This is an interesting piece with a lot of clever imagery. I would recommend paying attention to capitalization, as this seemed sort of all over the place, with random words capitalized for no apparent reason. I would also separate this out into sentences, as right now it's one long sentence. It also reads quite a lot like a poem, have you considered putting this in poetry form? It would look something like this:
Devils In Orange Bottles
Have courted me In their finery

Actually, now that I've done that, it looks like maybe this used to be in poetry form, as the capitalized words that at first looked random now make sense. If this is the case, I would put it back into poetry form. Anyway, just my two cents. I see that this has a couple of fairly low ratings, and this could be why...I doubt it's the subject matter or the quality of the writing. It could just be the form it's currently in. I hope this helps, and again, welcome to writing.com!

IceSkating SugarCube



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144
144
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
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#1300305 by Maryann

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Welcome to writing.com!

Here are a few things I noticed when reading this. I will put items directly from your story in quotes.

" We were all playing Battlefront 5, hot of the presses." it should be "hot off the presses."

The second paragraph is much to large. All the dialogue should be separate paragraphs. When a new person starts talking, start a new paragraph. This makes it less confusing and easier to read.

Also, would throwing a controller at a TV break the TV? And would the TV breaking really make it "spontaneously combust?"

The last sentence of the second paragraph trails off without finishing, " I knew Nikolai and had met Uzamaki. I"

In this sentence, "Uzamaki did just that, that day we learned that mix enough..." I would break it into two sentences, and reword it a little. "Uzamaki did just that. We learned that..."

"Just to prove his intelligence, the lit it and swam up." I don't know what this means??

My thoughts:

I think this is a good premise for a longer piece (which I think that's what this was intended to be anyway). I could see this being a series, chronicling the friendships and mischief between the boys.

Nicely done, and again, welcome to writing.com!

IceSkating SugarCube











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145
145
Review of Lost Liberations  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Thank you for submitting your poem to
IN & OUT
Give Me Something to READ!!  (18+)
If you'd like an HONEST review, please post an item for me to read and review.
#2179952 by IceSkatingSugarCube


Here are my thoughts:

First, and this is just my opinion because I don't have a solid reason besides I think it would look better, I would put the "reasoning behind poem" part at the bottom instead of the top. That way the poem is the main focus and people can read the backstory after they've read it.

Your spelling, grammar, usage all look pretty good. Nothing jumped out at me there.

In your line, "Know that she wants...", I would change it to "knowing that she wants..."

I'm sorry about your friend, and I hope that you can find peace with what she did to you. Thank you for sharing your poem with me.

IceSkating SugarCube


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146
146
Review of Dissociation  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello, and welcome to writing.com! I enjoyed your poem and am looking forward to seeing more from you. Reality sure is a strange thing sometimes. Make sure to check out the contests here. There are TONS of poetry ones. Good work on the poem. Have a nice night!

IceSkating SugarCube
147
147
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I love the flow and rhythm here. The rhyme is natural and doesn't seem forced. I agree with the subject matter. If our country were a tree, it certainly wouldn't be a very healthy one. Nice job. I look forward to reading more of your work. Have a good night,

IceSkating SugarCube
148
148
Rated: E | (5.0)
A truly amazing poem. I love the imagery of "maple snow," and the honesty of "we tortured our sisters together, then carried the guilt." I too, am a Laura Ingalls Wilder fan. I love this piece. Very nicely done. Have a nice night,

IceSkating SugarCube
149
149
Review of Odin  
Rated: E | (5.0)
I love the imagery of this poem. I like the idea of "loose leaf friends", and the small town being located "near the edge of whits end". Lovely, thought-provoking language here! Awesome job! I look forward to reading more of your writing. Have a good day!

IceSkating SugarCube
150
150
Review of Rymond Reborn  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
A very nice poem with an apocalyptic, post-war feel. I loved the imagery expressed here. I do have one question. Your line: "There is only be green". I'm not sure I understand what it means. Maybe it's a typo, or maybe I just don't understand. Anyway, I love the last line and the hopefulness of helping others. Great job!

IceSkating SugarCube
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