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51
51
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hello, Choconut ~ House Targaryen
I'm sending this review as part of the Super Power Review Raid. Congrats on the Quills Nomination!


*FlowerP*My Impression*FlowerP*
This is such an awesome place! The prices are reasonable, it helps support other community activities, and the candy shop theme is adorable! I was surprised to discover that I hadn't already favorited it, so I've remedied that *Smile*

*FlowerP*Suggestions*FlowerP*
Definitely no suggestions here...but those yummy looking pictures drew the attention of my sweet tooth.


*FlowerP*Rating Explanation*FlowerP*
I'm giving this a 5 because everything about it is great. It's creative, it's a fun way to surprise someone with WDC goodies, it helps the community and it's chocolate...chocolate makes everything better.

Again, congrats on the Quills nomination!

IceSkating SugarCube

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#1300305 by Maryann - House Martell

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52
52
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hello, Schnujo is Late to Lannister and congrats on the Quills Nomination!
I'm sending this review as part of the Super Power Review Raid.

*FlowerP*My Impression*FlowerP*
This is a fabulous challenge. I'm hoping to participate in it at some point, though it's been a favorite for a while. This challenge encourages participants to write outside their comfort zones, and I think that's awesome. It's also good for other contests on the site that get featured.

*FlowerP*Suggestions*FlowerP*
Just keep doing what you're doing with this. It looks amazing!

*FlowerP*Rating Explanation*FlowerP*
I'm giving this a 5 because it's a clever challenge that I'm sure involves a lot of hard work on your part to facilitate. Thank you for all you do to keep this going! Again, congrats on the nomination!

IceSkating SugarCube

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#1300305 by Maryann - House Martell

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53
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Review of Uncoiled  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hello, laurie_razor

Thank you for submitting your item to "Give Me Something to READ!!"  I'm giving this review on behalf of the Spring Writing Jamboree. Thank you for submitting this story and helping me out.


*FlowerP*My Impression*FlowerP*
I love this! It's original, creepy, and very nicely done. I can see why this won SCREAMS!! It's written in present tense, which can be tough to pull off, but you managed it very nicely. Plus, it can be difficult to write a complete story in only 500 words, as many people try to take on a story that is too big for the flash fiction format, but you did great with that, as well. There's a beginning, middle, and end. You justify your character's actions by telling us how horrible the victims were in high school. The main character, although a lunatic, makes the reader sympathize with him.

*FlowerP*Suggestions*FlowerP*
I liked this story as-is but would love to see a little stronger ending. Maybe a twist, or surprise. I am a sucker for those types of stories, but like I said you're story is pretty awesome without it. Just a suggestion. I was curious how he ended up getting back home after he blacks out. At first, I thought he'd wake up in jail, and thought it pretty lucky that he somehow made it home.

*FlowerP*Grammar/Punctuation/Usage*FlowerP*

I found a few minor things:

"In the mid eighteen-hundreds," mid-eighteen-hundreds

"mainly consist of my old high-school's football team" high school's

"each of whom trail after their former captain," trails

"I stare into Gareth Holbrook's fearful eyes," there shouldn't be a comma after "eyes".

"a misshapen eyeball stares lifeless on my floor." lifelessly


*FlowerP*Rating Explanation*FlowerP*
I'm rating this a 4.5 because it's a great story, but there are a few small issues mentioned above. I will gladly re-rate after it's edited.

Thank you for sharing your story with me *Smile*

IceSkating SugarCube

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#1300305 by Maryann - House Martell

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54
54
Review of Curiosity  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Hello, Dreamy Wood

I found you on the author's page, and since you are a newbie (welcome to writing.com!) I thought I would check out your portfolio.

*FlowerP*My Impression*FlowerP*
This is an interesting short story. It's creepy and mysterious. I was curious why Cameron was down there, besides looking for something that the mother said was down there. Plus, I didn't get any sense of what Katie was doing down there or what she could possibly want. Was she a threat? This story could have been scary if that element were more firmly in place. I'm not sure if horror was the intent, though. I think with some fleshing out, this story could shine.

*FlowerP*Suggestions*FlowerP*
There's a lot of passive voice here, so I would watch how often the word "was" appears here. Most times this can be fixed just by using a stronger verb. Also, this story sometimes switches from past tense to present tense. I would recommend using Grammarly (a free Google add-on) to help point out little things like comma usage and things like that.

*FlowerP*Grammar/Punctuation/Usage*FlowerP*
I found some issues as I was reading through, so I'll post them here.
“It wan't that hard to break into the cellar.” wasn’t
“Through my shoes comma I could feel…”
“It was very musty, yes, but underneath that commathere…”
“My shoes left the ground as I fell to the ground,” No typos here, but “ground” is too repetitive.

“ I wanted to ask, but I figured that be too weird,” that “would” be too weird.
“She finishes her statement with a finality that only spurs off of complete confidence. “ This sentence switches from past tense to present tense.

“The light in front of me grew larger, but it's flickering quality remains.” ”remains” is present tense. This is a past tense story

“With another startled yelp I fell to the floor, banging the back of my head against the wall as I did so.” Why does she keep falling???

“Katie had a couple of inches on me, and was dressed…” no comma is needed here.


*FlowerP*Rating Explanation*FlowerP*
I am rating this a 3.5 because of the issues noted. I will gladly reread and re-rate this story if it's ever rewritten. *Smile*

Again, welcome to this wonderful site, and I hope to see you around!

IceSkating SugarCube
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#1300305 by Maryann - House Martell

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55
55
Review of Hawks With Sins  
for entry "The Crawling Thane" 
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
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#1300305 by Maryann - House Martell

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Thank you for submitting your item to "Give Me Something to READ!!" 

So, you're considering publishing this? Good luck in your endeavor. I'm curious if you plan to publish as a novel, and if you'll keep the chapters as short as they are? It's not really a big deal, but they are flash fiction sized right now, which isn't typical. Anyway, I'll begin with my observations as I read and then give my overall opinion.

"The flute played mournfully..." I would ditch the adverb "mournfully" as it tells rather than shows. Maybe change the verb "played" to something a little more somber. Or "The flute played a mournful song."

To make this easier to read, I recommend putting a blank line between all paragraphs.

"soiled with more than just his own excretions..." I'm not sure how this is possible unless someone else is in the bed with him. MORE than just his own?

"As he was finishing..." "As he finished" Try to get rid of the word "was" whenever possible.

I'm a little confused about this mysterious woman. He fantasizes about her, and yet at the end of the chapter, he seems scared of her.

I'm curious what time period this is, as some of the language is a little strange for the modern day.

Overall, I like the writing style. I would be careful about giving too much information without revealing anything important to the story. The part about the ship cabin door, I had to read a few times to understand what it was saying. It could just be that I'm tired. I'm just not sure where he found the old door is relevant to the character or plot development. Maybe it's important to show how much the character enjoys finding old relics?

Anyway, thank you for sharing this with me. I will try to read more of this, though I can't guarantee I'll get through the whole thing. I'll do my best, as this is a bit longer of a story than I usually review.

I like the mysterious quality of this and am curious enough to read on. Nicely done!

IceSkating SugarCube


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56
56
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
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#1300305 by Maryann - House Martell

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Thank you for submitting your item to "Give Me Something to READ!!" 

I've read enough of your work that I suspect you may be using some sort of translating software? The main idea of your poem comes through about celebrations and showing appreciation, but a lot of the finer details are lost.

You don't need a period at the end of the title.

Also, like the other poem, there are spaces between all the punctuation. This distracts from the piece.

Thanks for sharing!

IceSkating SugarCube


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57
57
Review of Stolen Birthday  
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Rated: E | (4.5)
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#1300305 by Maryann - House Martell

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Greetings, charitykountz!! This is review 5/5 that I owe you. I was drawn to this story because I LOVE short flash fiction stories. They force the author to cut to the chase and cut out all unnecessary words.

I noticed that the word "bed" appears three times in the first few sentences. I understand you may not be revising this piece, but if you did, I would start there.

I wonder why the mom didn't tell the girl at 6 am that it wasn't her birthday, but maybe she was too tired to think of it.

I also just noticed after re-reading it that the word "door" is repeated five times. I'm not sure why, but repeated words are something I tend to pick up on.

I think this is a cute, simple story (simple is a MUST for such a short piece, so good job) Even though this is my fifth review, you can always request reviews from me at any time. I've enjoyed spending time in your port!!

IceSkating SugarCube


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58
58
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
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#1300305 by Maryann - House Martell

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Thank you for submitting your item to "Give Me Something to READ!!" 

This is a very interesting poem. I suspect there could be some translation issues, as some of the phrasings seem odd, but that could also be intentional and it doesn't detract from the piece too much, so I'll focus on other things.

First, I notice that there's an extra space before all of the periods and commas here, which should be fixed.

The last stanza sticks out to me because it's in the first person for the whole poem, and then switches to the second person in the last stanza. I think it should be edited to the first person. I would recommend something like this:

"Vent out frustrations on social media...

The rest of the stanza can stay the same.

This is one of those poems that I like more each time I read it. To be honest, I didn't understand it the first few times. However, sometimes I can be a little bit dense when it comes to poetry.

Nice job on this, and thank you for sharing it with me!

IceSkating SugarCube


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59
59
Review of Spring Is Sprung  
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Rated: E | (5.0)
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#1300305 by Maryann - House Martell

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Hello, Detective !! I posted after you in I Write 2019, so here is my review.

I LOVE that the weather is finally getting warmer, and winter is finally starting to go away. *Smile* This poem is a fun read. I would love to see what the prompt for The Writer's Cramp was for this. Maybe you could add an "author's note" at the bottom. Using the dropnote feature keeps it looking clean and neat.

I also noticed a typo here:

"The slippery slush has lost its' power" You don't need an apostrophe on its.

Your poem flows well and has an easy rhyme scheme. Nice job, and good luck in the contest!

IceSkating SugarCube


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60
60
Review of Treasure  
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Rated: E | (4.5)
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#1300305 by Maryann - House Martell

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Hello, Sumojo and thank you for submitting your item to "Give Me Something to READ!!" 

This is an interesting story with a nice ending. Naming the boat "treasure" was a nice touch.

There is a lot of passive voice here. Count how many times the word "was" appears. It's even in the first sentence. In the case of the first sentence, I would change it to: "The cold, wet sand beneath her feet..." You might have to tweak it a bit to sound just right with your current sentence, but getting rid of most of the passive voice will make this stronger.

There's also a lot of the word "had" here. Most of those can be taken directly out without changing anything.

I would also go through and make sure there's a blank line between all paragraphs. It looks much neater and is easier to read.

I am curious how Sarah was able to tell from several hundred yards away that there was only one occupant in the boat. It would be surprising if she could even see the boat, let alone the one occupant.

I would also remove the adverb here: "She suddenly screamed into the wind,"..."suddenly" is needed, and clutters up the sentence. If it seems too boring without it, then find a more interesting verb instead of "screamed."

Other than that, I don't really see any more adverbs (good job) Stephen King says that the road to hell is paved with adverbs *Smile*

This is a strong little story. Thank you for sharing it with me.

IceSkating SugarCube


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61
61
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
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#1300305 by Maryann - House Martell

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Greetings, Sumojo , and thank for entering SugarCube's Weekly Random Contest!

This is a story of victory. The exhausted bird enthusiast is desperate to find a rare bird...and success!

I would recommend (though it isn't important for the judging of this contest) that the full title is capitalized: Amazonian Umbrella Bird

Although, there could be another side to this story (after reading it again).

The bird merely squawks in the tree...maybe he flies away before a picture can be taken? It makes the reader wonder exactly how this story will end. A sort of cliff hanger.

I see you've used the word "weaken" twice here. In such a short story, any repeated words become obvious. I would recommend changing one of them to a synonym.

This is a very creative use of the prompt words, and I hope you continue to enter the contest! Thanks for sharing this story with me *Smile*

IceSkating SugarCube


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62
62
Review of Hawks With Sins  
for entry "the Delicious Petals" 
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Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
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#1300305 by Maryann - House Martell

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Hello R.E. Pete !!

"The the mages from the Blood Dawn school" The is repeated...

"... just as he was about to leave, a short rail thin woman..." a short, rail-thin woman..."

"...head mistress's "office"." First, the word "office" is repeated a LOT in this short piece, second, I have no idea why this time the word is in quotes. Is it not really an office? I'm confused.

" looks like you are alittle short on this moons payment." it should be "a little" and this moon's.

Toward the end of this, the word "peeved" is repetitive, and then you say that "he asked in annoyance." We know he's annoyed...it doesn't need to be repeated again.

"You are here, because i want to hire you..." "You are here (no comma) because I (capitalize I) want to hire you..."

"to find someone or more likely something that cripple..." "to find someone, or more likely, something that will cripple... OR "to cripple..."

My Impression
I like the writing style and the voice of this piece. I want to get to know this character. I was a little confused by this piece, and that it didn't seem to have an ending. Why would they want him to help cripple students? He's an investigator...I don't get why he would be called. This seems like a scene from a larger work, not a stand-alone story.

There's a bit of dialogue at the end of this that I had to read a few times because I had to figure out who was talking. I think it would be helpful to put all lines of dialogue in separate lines. Two or more characters should never be speaking in a single paragraph, especially without dialogue tags.

I think this is an interesting little scene. I was also confused as to why it was called "The Delicious Petals?"

Anyway, I see this is a book item, so I guess I should check out the rest of it...some of my questions may get answered that way *Smile*

Thanks for sharing your story!

IceSkating SugarCube


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63
63
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello! This lovely poem came up when I clicked "Read & Review," so here I am.

I really like the flow and rhythm of this poem. I like that even though some of the rhymes aren't direct rhymes (the ends of the words may sound similar, but they don't actually rhyme) it still reads like a rhyming poem.

I like the last stanza the best. It's hopeful, and romantic, and sweet. Very nicely done!

IceSkating SugarCube
64
64
Review of Phineas  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Sumojo !!

Thank you for submitting your story to
IN & OUT
Give Me Something to READ!!  (18+)
If you'd like an HONEST review, please post an item for me to read and review.
#2179952 by IceSkatingSugarCube


As I read through, I will post anything that sticks out:
"Phineas lay on his narrow bed and squeezed his eyes tightly,"You can avoid using an adverb here by changing it to "sqeezed his eyes tight."

"...putting his hands over his ears to drown..."I would change this to "put" his hands...

The paragraph that begins with, "Fred Billingsgate was a thug, and everyone knew it..." threw me off because it switches from Phineas's point of view to the mother's. Is this a third person omniscient POV?

This story would read a little easier if there was a blank space between all paragraphs.

I would watch the number of adverbs in this. Also, the word "was" is repeated a lot which is a good indicator that there's too much passive voice used.

When the father throws a plate at Phineas, I would maybe use a different word than a "glancing" blow, because to me that means it doesn't hit him directly, but it grazes him which would not break his nose and cause blood to spurt like that.

“Where to son?” The ticket clerk asked." "Where to, Son?" We know that "Son" isn't his name, but because the bus driver is calling him that, it becomes a proper noun.

I'm assuming Phil Gates is supposed to be like Bill Gates?

This is a clever story. It's like those real-life stories of famous people, but a fictionalized one. I was expecting a little bit more of a "wow" ending, but it's still a good story. I liked Phineas and I felt for him throughout.

Thank you for sharing your story with me!

IceSkating SugarCube

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65
65
Review of Love  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello, and welcome to Writing.Com!!

This is an interesting poem. The language used here is lovely. I do have a small suggestion, but keep in mind, that either way, it's still a great piece of poetry.

The last two stanzas don't seem to fit the rest of the poem. It goes from a fairly regular rhyme scheme to barely one at all. The theme of the poem is also changed, but I don't think it's for the better. It switches from a lovely ocean scene to an opinion piece. I think this piece would be made stronger by eliminating the bottom two stanzas altogether. Maybe a new one could be added at the end to bring the poem to a close.

I hope you are enjoying Writing.com so far. If you haven't done so yet, make sure to check out all the wonderful contests!

Thank you for sharing your wonderful poem!

IceSkating SugarCube

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#1300305 by Maryann - House Martell

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66
66
Review of Imagine  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello!

This lovely poem came up when I hit the "read and review" button, so here I am.

I really enjoyed this poem, especially the last line.

One thing that I noticed, though, was that the poem started off with a strong rhyme scheme, but then petered out toward the end. I think it could be a much stronger poem if the second half rhymed as strongly as the first.

This is a great poem!

IceSkating SugarCube


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#1300305 by Maryann - House Martell

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67
67
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello, and thank you for entering SugarCube's contest!

I love the message of this poem. It's always sad when people make the commitment to care for an animal, and then go back on their word. Many animals are euthanized every year because of that.

I like that you have written your poem in the POV of the animal. Nice touch. Good luck in the contest!

IceSkating SugarCube

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#1300305 by Maryann - House Martell

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68
68
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hello! Thank you for entering SugarCube's contest!

This is an interesting store. The plot is easy to understand, and the pacing flows well.

There are several instances where the tenses switch from past to present, so I'd watch that.

I also notice that you start the story off with a lot of adverbs. Slowly, clearly, aggressively, suddenly.

I do like the tension in this story and the plot twist of her having a twin sister. Nicely done.

IceSkating SugarCube

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#1300305 by Maryann - House Martell

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69
69
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
I am sending this review as per the "I Write in 2019"  requirements.

In this line: "That is contained with in", it should be "within. Just one word.

That was the only issue I found here. This is a cleverly written poem about imagination and the fun and adventure of children, old houses and playtime.

I like the last stanza and the emphasis on traveling to "lands unknown," but "they are always back in time for dinner." I very nice ending.

Good luck in the contest!

IceSkating SugarCube



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#1300305 by Maryann - House Martell

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70
70
Review of Force of Gravity  
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Rated: E | (5.0)
Greetings, Soldier Mike!

This little story showed up when I clicked the "Read & Review" button, so here I am. First, this sounds like a great concept for a contest...I'll have to check it out. As far as the story goes, I love that you were still able to include descriptions in your story, keep up a simple storyline, and cram it all into 55 words. Impressive!

I like the end of this, that Jimmy knows something that the other guy doesn't. That his boots are not costume junk from a convention.

Nice job!

IceSkating SugarCube

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#1300305 by Maryann - House Martell

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71
71
Review of Cruise Ship  
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Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
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#1300305 by Maryann - House Martell

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I like this. I think my favorite part is the imagery of his heart being returned, wrapped in divorce papers. (wow)

I have nothing to comment on as far as typos/grammar...all that. It looks good.

I also like that in the first stanza he says that he's never coming home again, and in the last one, the sentiment is repeated except it says that she's never coming home again. Powerful.

Nicely written! Good job!

IceSkating SugarCube


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72
72
Review of Unihipili  
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Rated: E | (5.0)
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#1300305 by Maryann - House Martell

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This is an interesting poem! I'm curious what the title means, and its relevance to the poem.

I did find one little typo: "A thought too small for your to bear," should be "A thought too small for you to bear."

The middle section of this almost reminded me of a riddle.

The language is interesting, and it's one of those poems that are all about mood and tone. You're not sure exactly what it means, but what matters is how it made you feel...what it leaves behind. I have several poems like that, too. I liked this!

IceSkating SugarCube


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73
73
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Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
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#1300305 by Maryann - House Martell

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Such a sad poem! This is a very clever contest prompt!

I have no advice to better this piece, as it looks pretty well finished to me. Those of us who have lost a loved one to cancer know all too well how true this poem is.

Thank you for sharing this beautiful poem. It's emotional and raw and asks a lot of important questions.

Nicely done!

IceSkating SugarCube


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello! Nice to meet you! What sort of stories do you like to write? If you ever need anything reviewed, stop by my portfolio, and enter your pieces into my item called "Give Me Something To Read." I give honest reviews.

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IceSkating SugarCube
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Review of Singularity  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
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WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  (E)
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#1300305 by Maryann - House Martell

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Thank you for submitting your story to "Give Me Something to READ!!" 

This piece isn't in need of a line edit. Everything looks great.

Plot: Davi and Tamor are two humans that are part of a larger group that are surviving underground after a robot takeover. Unless I'm wrong about the plot, it was easy to understand.

I liked the conversation in the beginning about the chicken and the egg, and how Tamor says weird things (regrowing teeth) that Davi doesn't understand.

There's a lot of truth in this story, and that is that we, as humans, have indeed lost our curiosity. That and our increased need for machines is what fuels the underlying tension of the story, but I felt that it lacked any other tension besides that.

The details are great, the characters are realistic and relatable. Maybe a little more tension between the two characters would help?

That's really my only suggestion for this, as I think it's very well written and a great entry for this contest.

Oh, and as someone with eyesight that is going south, I appreciate the increased font size.

Good luck in the contest!

IceSkating SugarCube


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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