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for entry "🏆 Reprieve" 
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Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
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#1300305 by Maryann - House Martell

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I love this entry, Ken! The rhyme, the simplicity. It's a very nice entry for 24 syllables. I love the new words that this contest introduces me to. I usually have to Google them, but it's a nice vocabulary builder. You have used today's word nicely. Good job!

Here's a trinket for you *BigSmile*
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102
Review of Stabbers  
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Rated: E | (4.0)
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#1300305 by Maryann - House Martell

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Thank you for submitting your story to "Give Me Something to READ!!" 

Initial thoughts:

To make this easier to read, I recommend not indenting paragraphs. Instead, leave a blank space between paragraphs. This is the norm for written pieces online.

The first paragraph uses the word "was" a lot. That means you're using a lot of passive voice.

Also, in this sentence " it wasn't just her's, but her mothers as well." You shouldn't put an apostrophe in "hers", but you do need one in "mother's."

"The ground was vibrating, or was it her imagination taking flight?" more "was." Repeating words in a story gets tiresome for the reader. "The ground vibrated", or "the ground shook," would work better.

The word "was" appears 20 times in this story. I read ahead a little and see that it changes from past tense to present tense, which is most likely why there aren't more "was"s in the rest of the piece. It's mostly found in past tense.

"not her imagination but rather reality, a cruel reality." this is a bit wordy. I would cut "rather reality."

"Another wave of sob rushed up at her"
"wave of sob" makes no sense.

"Crashed" is used twice in the last paragraph of chapter one.

Chapter two switches from the third person to first person, and from past tense to present. Plus it has chapters...all very strange things to happen in a short story.

"stiff uniform and an their arrogant swagger,"
I'm not sure what this is supposed to say, but "an their" can be cut completely.

"children who slinks in alleys although..."
children who "slink"

"we are in fact one of them."
This doesn't make sense, because "we" implies many, and "one" is, well...one.

"I scan the market again to see if there's any easy target."
an easy target.

I suggest getting the free version of Grammarly. It will catch most of these. There are a LOT more, so I won't go through each one, but running it through a spelling/grammar checker would help a lot.

I've looked pretty hard, and I can't see chapter three. It skips from 2 to 4.

I'm not sure if this is supposed to be a short story or the beginning of an outline for a longer work. If it's a short story, I'd rework it so there are no chapters, and the whole piece stays in the same POV and tense.

BUT, if this is going to be a longer piece, then stick with it. There is good writing in there, this is just a little rough as I'm assuming it's the first draft. Those are always rough, no matter who you are.

Having now read to the end, I see that the story doesn't end, which leads me to believe that it's an ongoing longer piece. That's good. I wouldn't spend too much time on grammatical changes, because once the first draft is done, there's a lot of rewriting that will need doing. (Again, that's not because of problems with this particular story, rewriting ALWAYS needs to be done with every piece.)

Thank you for sharing this with me.

IceSkating SugarCube


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Review of Slogan  
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Rated: E | (4.0)
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#1300305 by Maryann - House Martell

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Thank you for submitting your story to "Give Me Something to READ!!" 

I'm a bit confused about this piece. It seems weird to take up one of your static items for just three sentences. Especially since most of it is about an essay and a poem that you are going to post, but haven't yet. If you'd like to share those pieces with me to be reviewed, that would be awesome. I'm just not sure what you wanted me to do with this particular one. The slogan itself is lovely, but where I live there isn't much warmth from the sun. I enjoy the warmth from my wood stove. Anyway, feel free to share your poem or essay with me.

IceSkating SugarCube


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104
104
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Rated: E | (4.5)
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#1300305 by Maryann - House Martell

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Thank you for submitting your story to "Give Me Something to READ!!" 

First off, I'll start with a basic line edit, before I give my thoughts.

Simplicity and innocence are the essence essences of one's good character.

Talent is something which everyone is born with but to excel in it depends on our desires and struggles.

Hobby is something which a person developes develops during childhood years to rejoice in spare time by keeping themselves busy.

Teachers are the hard- driving hard-driving (no space) inspiration of education.

School is the best temple of worship and learning.

Friendship is the mutual understanding and concern between friends.one . One must never forget that the chosen friend of yours is the pillar to success.

Wise words. I wonder if the school is the best temple of worship and learning, what is being worshiped? Knowledge?

This reads like the proverbs of old.

Thank you for sharing this with me.


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105
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Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
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#1300305 by Maryann - House Martell

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I'm just doing a little early reading before tomorrow's judging. Thank you for entering my contest.

First of all, I love the main characters name. It really fits this guy well. My favorite thing about Chesterton is that he KNOWS he's right, he's cocky and sure of himself, he is free from fault or error...but then he does something really stupid like forgetting to put a camera in with the duck...or goofs on his calculations which ends up sending the weird freako duck thing back to him.

Nicely done story. It was certainly entertaining.

IceSkating SugarCube


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106
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#1300305 by Maryann - House Martell

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Hello! Thank you for entering my contest! I'm just getting some early reading done before tomorrow's judging. I really enjoyed this poem! It sort of reminded me of the Mandolin Orange song, "Wildfire." I really like these lines:
"Po’ white, trash white, lookin’ down,
Step on backs of black and brown.
Call selves better, call selves right.
Must have someone to step on tonight."

It has an easy flow and rhythm, and the rhyme seems natural. Very nice poem! Thank you for sharing it with me!


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Review of The Eyes Have It  
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Rated: E | (5.0)
Because I know you like horror, I was really expecting something gruesome and terrible, and you didn't disappoint with the "eyes" and "skin" being peeled by this strange character's knife. What kind of job could he possibly have that would require such work? Besides a surgeon, of course.

I was NOT expecting him to be a cook, peeling potatoes. A brilliant ending! I was not expecting it. Loved it!

IceSkating SugarCube

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#1300305 by Maryann - House Martell

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Review of Just Me  
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Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
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#1300305 by Maryann - House Martell

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This is a nice, clever little poem. If I could make a couple little suggestions, it would be this:
Some of your lines are too long. They make the poem read awkwardly.
I also see some areas that could use some punctuation, like this line: "As I grew I wanted lovecomma it didn't seem to matter who,"

Anyway, thanks for sharing this on the Please Review page.

IceSkating SugarCube


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109
109
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Rated: E | (4.0)
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#1300305 by Maryann - House Martell

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This is a cute little story. I noticed a few things here:

" Joe stated " Molly, what are you doing out here?" Molly proudly stands up tall and exclaims very loudly, " I am going to tell my new friends a story!" Pointing to a group of kids standing by the park bench that Molly is standing on."
This part is worded awkwardly. It starts with "Joe stated..." but then he doesn't state anything. He asks a question. It's a little weird to have the dialogue tag come before the actual dialogue. I would do this with it:

"Molly, what are you doing out here?" Joe asks.
Molly stands up tall and proud. "I am going to tell my new friends a story!" She points to a group of kids standing near the bench that she's standing on.

There is also a lot of tense issues. It switches back and forth between past and present. Both are fine to use but pick one.

Your paragraphs are much too long. Each line of dialogue, for the most part, should go on its own line. Also, watch the use of dialogue tags. There are usually more of them in children's stories, but it's easy to overuse them.

This is a cute story. It would be much easier to read if formatted a little better, but you have a good start here.


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110
110
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Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
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#1300305 by Maryann - House Martell

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A nice Valentine poem! I have a few suggestions:
Your use of the word "worlds" is possessive, so it should have an apostrophe {world's)

In this line:
"Although some Asian counties do not celebrate"
You have misspelled "countries."

And in this line: "Anyways. No matter what state" I'm not sure it's technically wrong, but it would sound better to say "anyway," instead of "anyways."

In this part:
"This valentine is spreading
Love around the globe
While he was heading
Into all creations with a strobe"

The tenses are mixed here. By saying the Valentine IS spreading implies it's happening right now (present tense) and then it says "while he WAS spreading" is past tense.

Anyway, thank you for sharing your poem on the "Please Review" page. It's a cute festive poem!


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111
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#1300305 by Maryann - House Martell

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This is a lovely poem with a lot of awesome imagery. It has a strong fantasy feel to it. If I could suggest one thing, it would be this:
In this line "Then the monolith it speak!" I know that it says "speak" to be a direct rhyme with "seek", but I think you could change it to "speaks" and still retain the rhyme. In the few times I read over this, I got stuck on that line, because of it saying "speak" instead of "speaks."

Anyway, I see you're new, so welcome to writing.com!!

A great poem!


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Review of Dear Me 2019  
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#1300305 by Maryann - House Martell

Celebrating you! Congratulations!

Thank you for submitting your story to "Give Me Something to READ!!" 

I'm just going to put my random thoughts here, as I read.
1. I have a special needs kid too *BigSmile*
2. Wow, a realtor, AND a paralegal. Sheesh, that's pretty impressive.
3. Congrats on getting your books published! I have one nonfiction ebook out there in the world. It's certainly a lot different than writing fiction. This sounds like a really interesting series.
4. This line, "Some people won't like your writing. Your writing isn’t for everyone." That is one of the best pieces of writing advice out there. So many people try so hard for EVERYONE to like them...it will never happen.
5. Good luck in the RV. Someday, when the kids are grown, I would love to ditch the house and go RV full time. Doing it with a couple kids will be a challenge, but building your dream home will make it all worth it.
6. I like that you made a separate static item for your to-do list. I kind of wish I had thought to do that with my Dear Me letter. It keeps the letter itself clean.

I didn't find anything wrong here...no spelling, or grammar problems. Good luck in the contest!

IceSkating SugarCube


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113
113
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Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
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#1300305 by Maryann - House Martell

Celebrating you! Congratulations!

Thank you for submitting your story to "Give Me Something to READ!!" 

I will copy and paste part of your story here where I find typos or other issues.

"I suddenly decide to throw open the now unlocked door open." throw the now unlocked door open." You might even take out "now." Also "decide" is present tense. Switching to "decided" makes more sense.

"how useless it was to try covering up for them at this point." This one is another tense issue. To keep it consistently in past tense, I think it should be "at THAT point."

"they offered me a buffet of foods I didn't even knew existed"
I didn't even KNOW existed

..."flinging the door open behind me and crashing onto the..."
crashed

..."white-substance covered floor..."

white substance-covered floor

"He screamed in fear from the doorway as alarms blared out deafeningly and I scrambled to my feet, not even pausing to let the petrified look on his face sink in as frantic thoughts of what I'd done and just what those alarms would bring right to me if I didn’t get out of there as fast as I possibly could flooded my brain."

This sentence is long and not very clearly written.

I understand all too well how hard flash fiction is, especially when there's a word limit for a contest. I would, however like more information as to this laboratory, and what exactly it is. There are two brothers, one wants to leave, the other stay...but there's not much clue as to what sort of place it is.

I love the mood of this story, it's sort of creepy. I picture the laboratory as being dark, and underground (if not literally underground, it is secretive and secluded).

Thank you for sharing this with me. I think this would make an awesome longer story.

IceSkating SugarCube


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114
114
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#1300305 by Maryann - House Martell

Celebrating you! Congratulations!

Thank you for submitting your poem to "Give Me Something to READ!!" 

Hello! This is an interesting poem that seems to slightly change meaning as it progresses. At first, it's purely about the music itself, then we move on (I think) to instrument playing, then I' not exactly sure what's happening. Listening to music on cell phones, and then there's language that makes me think of exercising (leg warmers), but I'm not quite sure. The next paragraph is more on the exercise theme,

Then we somehow get to social media and then ends with thanking the forefathers for being spiritual. I'm not sure I understand what the last half of the poem means, but one line that sticks out to me as particularly lovely is: ..."is magic of fingers,
as my heart lingers."

Thank you for sharing your poem with me

IceSkating SugarCube


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Review of Opiate  
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Rated: E | (4.5)
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#1300305 by Maryann - House Martell

Celebrating you! Congratulations!

Hello, and welcome to writing.com!

This is an interesting piece with a lot of clever imagery. I would recommend paying attention to capitalization, as this seemed sort of all over the place, with random words capitalized for no apparent reason. I would also separate this out into sentences, as right now it's one long sentence. It also reads quite a lot like a poem, have you considered putting this in poetry form? It would look something like this:
Devils In Orange Bottles
Have courted me In their finery

Actually, now that I've done that, it looks like maybe this used to be in poetry form, as the capitalized words that at first looked random now make sense. If this is the case, I would put it back into poetry form. Anyway, just my two cents. I see that this has a couple of fairly low ratings, and this could be why...I doubt it's the subject matter or the quality of the writing. It could just be the form it's currently in. I hope this helps, and again, welcome to writing.com!

IceSkating SugarCube


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116
116
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Rated: E | (4.5)
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#1300305 by Maryann - House Martell

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Welcome to writing.com!

Here are a few things I noticed when reading this. I will put items directly from your story in quotes.

" We were all playing Battlefront 5, hot of the presses." it should be "hot off the presses."

The second paragraph is much to large. All the dialogue should be separate paragraphs. When a new person starts talking, start a new paragraph. This makes it less confusing and easier to read.

Also, would throwing a controller at a TV break the TV? And would the TV breaking really make it "spontaneously combust?"

The last sentence of the second paragraph trails off without finishing, " I knew Nikolai and had met Uzamaki. I"

In this sentence, "Uzamaki did just that, that day we learned that mix enough..." I would break it into two sentences, and reword it a little. "Uzamaki did just that. We learned that..."

"Just to prove his intelligence, the lit it and swam up." I don't know what this means??

My thoughts:

I think this is a good premise for a longer piece (which I think that's what this was intended to be anyway). I could see this being a series, chronicling the friendships and mischief between the boys.

Nicely done, and again, welcome to writing.com!

IceSkating SugarCube


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Review of Lost Liberations  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
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#2179952 by IceSkatingSugarCube


Here are my thoughts:

First, and this is just my opinion because I don't have a solid reason besides I think it would look better, I would put the "reasoning behind poem" part at the bottom instead of the top. That way the poem is the main focus and people can read the backstory after they've read it.

Your spelling, grammar, usage all look pretty good. Nothing jumped out at me there.

In your line, "Know that she wants...", I would change it to "knowing that she wants..."

I'm sorry about your friend, and I hope that you can find peace with what she did to you. Thank you for sharing your poem with me.

IceSkating SugarCube


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Review of Dissociation  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello, and welcome to writing.com! I enjoyed your poem and am looking forward to seeing more from you. Reality sure is a strange thing sometimes. Make sure to check out the contests here. There are TONS of poetry ones. Good work on the poem. Have a nice night!

IceSkating SugarCube
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119
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I love the flow and rhythm here. The rhyme is natural and doesn't seem forced. I agree with the subject matter. If our country were a tree, it certainly wouldn't be a very healthy one. Nice job. I look forward to reading more of your work. Have a good night,

IceSkating SugarCube
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120
Rated: E | (5.0)
A truly amazing poem. I love the imagery of "maple snow," and the honesty of "we tortured our sisters together, then carried the guilt." I too, am a Laura Ingalls Wilder fan. I love this piece. Very nicely done. Have a nice night,

IceSkating SugarCube
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Review of Odin  
Rated: E | (5.0)
I love the imagery of this poem. I like the idea of "loose leaf friends", and the small town being located "near the edge of whits end". Lovely, thought-provoking language here! Awesome job! I look forward to reading more of your writing. Have a good day!

IceSkating SugarCube
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Review of Rymond Reborn  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
A very nice poem with an apocalyptic, post-war feel. I loved the imagery expressed here. I do have one question. Your line: "There is only be green". I'm not sure I understand what it means. Maybe it's a typo, or maybe I just don't understand. Anyway, I love the last line and the hopefulness of helping others. Great job!

IceSkating SugarCube
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Review of Cloudstepper  
Rated: E | (4.5)
I like this poem a lot. I love the imagery here. I have never flown in an airplane, but I can imagine this clearly. Very nicely done *BigSmile*. Have you entered any contests? I highly recommend them! I look forward to reading more of your items. Have a good day!!

IceSkating SugarCube
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Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
I enjoyed this story. Sort of like the tortoise and the hare, but with brothers. Siblings can be so competitive, and meddlesome. I really liked the descriptions, especially in the first scene, at the coffee shop. The worn coat, the spectacle on the street with the limo. I really felt like I was there.

Well done!

IceSkating SugarCube
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for entry "🏆 Open Mic Night" 
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Nice! I love how it rhymes and totally reminds me of an open mic situation where the performer recited the same poem for at least twenty minutes...and seemed to be making up half of it on the spot. Definitely a ramble, for sure. Look at me, I'm doing the same thing. Anyway, nice entry for the contest. Best of luck to you!

IceSkating SugarCube
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