Hi, Vicki. Oh, autumn is my favorite time of the year, also. It just seems so full of life for a season chosen to usher in ol' man winter and his dastardly deeds.
Overall, your choice of words do express an occasional September morning. I'm just wondering how the dawn progresses from a frigid air washing over your wakening to a soft breeze ruffling the hair to a numb face. Personally, a soft breeze just doesn't seem to fit this particular morning. Again, the fluttering leaves caressing the air on a frigid, numbing morning seems a tad understated. I picture them as whipped, whisked, or scattering to the ground as they seek refuge from the frigid winds. Of course, this is my own opinion of the autumn morning that you describe.
I noticed there were no periods in your enjoyable writing. It just seemed to shout at me since you chose to use other punctuation.
I did love your line of "September has greeted me with an icy handshake." Very original and a creative visual for the reader.
First off, I love the title. It's quite creative, sets the mood of the writing, and draws interest from possible readers.
The writing itself does not disappoint the reader as they are drawn into the sullen tone of the words and become tangled in the darkness.
The rhythm and rhyme are good, although it's stretched in a few lines.
You choose to use punctuation to close each stanza, so why isn't the next stanza begun with capitalization in some cases? Also, several uses of its is actually a contraction where an apostrophe should be inserted to indicate 'it is,' and id to indicate I would.
My personal opinion is this is a beautiful writing that deserves to be read as poetry without the little distractions mentioned.
Hello again, grayjasmine. I warned you that I would return to your port.
This poem boils with regret, loss, love, and turmoil. It rattles the emotions of the reader through to the very last line. I so wanted a happy ending of memories that will eventually heal the loss, but I'm not sure that's what I found.
Just a few observations during my read::
On the day she was married This refers back to the ring that was placed or put the day she was married
It's too late for that
This poem possesses such raw, palpable feelings that tangles the reader into the web of regret, loss, love, and turmoil of the writer. It is a very expressive, deep writing!
Your poem really allowed me to visualize this little woman shuffling down the street and to feel her emotion of counting too many years behind her with few ahead. Well, perhaps, being closer each day to becoming this little woman made the visualization all too real.
The comparison of her life to your own is well-expressed as somewhat of a wake-up call.
Just a few suggestions for editing, if you choose to do so:
caresses my noise Perhaps, you meant nose? she's tried hard not let show. I really feel you sacrificed this line for the sake of rhythm?
so brutality took. Did you maybe mean brutally?
That soon I to Should be too
with wisdom new found. Personal opinion - 'new wisdom found' just reads better to me
I thought your ending was a good summation of your thoughts.
Death will call. I just hope it's on a good hair night and interrupts a really lousy dream.
I enjoyed reading your poem and will probably drop by to read more.
Your poem was was an interesting read, in that your thoughts always turned from what led you to the river to the river itself. Your words seem to move from a chaotic being to a tranquil sentiment. This transition escaped my notice on my first read through, but became quite apparent and impressive when taking the time to really read and enjoy. The conflict that led you to the river never really becomes apparent to the reader, but the comfort of your location seems to override the unknown struggle.
The rhyme is good, and although the rhythm is a little off occasionally, it's still an easy, enjoyable read. Now, I do appreciate punctuation in poetry to allow the reader a pause and reflect, but it almost seems a tad overwhelming in each line.
I think what really caught my attention to your creativity is:
A fork in the river causes it to part,
and I wonder if rivers can have a broken heart.
This was a delightful tale about two wise mothers and teacher who set out to play a prank on the young children at Halloween.
The story held my interest as the plot unfolds. The characters were believable through their actions and dialogue. The ending was satisfactory in resolving the conflict of the story.
A couple of observations as I enjoyed the story: Halloween occurs in the fall, not winter. A seven-year-old sneaking out of the house at 11:45 pm seems somewhat improbable, even if mom is in on the secret. Since it's always dark by early evening at Halloween, perhaps the time could be a little more reasonable?
A few grammatical errors were noticed: Mrs. is missing the period in a few spots; use of the apostrophe to form a possessive case, i.e., girl's beautiful pink gown.
I feel this would be an entertaining Halloween story for children with just enough excitement to give them a scare, yet a perfect ending so they would sleep in their own beds.
Hello, Valenciana McLaughlin, and welcome to Writing.Com!
I really like the thought behind your words; it's quite encouraging. You have put some deep sentiment into this writing.
Personally, I became a little weary at reading the repetitive 'Do not.' Would it be possible to keep the connotation by changing a few lines to not repeat the 'Do not?'
Your words deliver the message, whether you choose to edit or not.
This was a well-written poem. I interpret it as relating to misunderstanding in holding onto someone who longs for the freedom to make one's own choices in life. It reads to me as a passage from childhood to adulthood.
The only edit noticed:
I know you're scared,
I enjoyed reading. I could feel the struggle in your words from both sides: wanting to hold on for just a little while longer and the need to escape the protection to reach out and discover.
Actually, I liked the little poem written about your name, even if it does seem to chant a sad tune about a hollow melody. You certainly set the intended tempo and phrasing.
The only line that I personally felt really didn't fit the sentiment was: A noise so wrong. Yes, sometimes a so-called song or music can sound like merely noise, but this just didn't seem to fit the overall melancholy beat of your words.
The line "full of broken notes" just really shouts the meaning of the entire poem, although other lines really grabs this reader's interest , too.
I think you possess the emotion and imagination to entertain with your words.
Hello, Breannan. This would create a beautiful epitaph, even if it would take my entire insurance policy plus to etch in marble. A thought-provoking writing of what we might leave behind after our demise...what we feel we contributed as opposed to what others feel we gave.
To me, it's such a solemn writing that the word, croak, seems to make a spoof of the intent of your words.
"outside this crisp clean pages" Need to either change 'this' to 'these' or 'pages' to 'page' ... these pages or this page.
It honestly took several readings for me to truly appreciate the ending lines. At first, I thought they were inconsistent, but when I understood, or think I did, I had to change my rating despite the word, 'croak.'
Hi, Turtle. Creative words and presentation on perhaps what should cross our minds when reviewing poetry.
Personally, I feel poetry is harder to read and review exactly for some of the comments mentioned in your writing. Is there a hidden message I might overlook, a riddle I might not be able to solve, wisdom I should heed, or was it written merely for me to enjoy the beauty of the subject?
You have really probed quite imaginatively some interesting thoughts to be considered when scrutinizing poetry.
BTW, I really, really liked this after scrutinizing and asking myself the very same questions about it that you presented. I took wisdom from it on how to approach the next poem that I r&r.
The presentation was wonderfully thought out and contributed to a most enjoyable read.
Hello, dclowe, and welcome to Writing.Com! I hope you are discovering and enjoying all that our community has to offer a writer.
I found your thoughts when looking at the stars to be a good read that reveals the deserved attention for this constellation.
Alright, I can't resist asking, though..does a hunter walk or stalk? Although I liked your words, I'm wondering if they can't be tweaked to reveal the power of a real hunter? Does he merely walk or shine? No, he stalks and flares in the heavens. Hey, just my personal POV.
I really did like the thought of Orion returning home after slaying the mythical beast...guarding the heavens forever. *mile*
A great visual beginning to your story. I almost felt as though I were sitting next to Yvette enjoying the passing scenery as she traveled to her destination.
The introduction of characters allowed me to really get to know them, or so I thought, through descriptions and dialogue.
The story line was entertaining and held my interest through the last twist. You had me convinced that Lauren was attracted to her cousin in one way then totally spun a different direction.
The ending was totally unexpected. You managed to hide the ultimate revelation until the very end. No hint, no clue and this reader was impressed and surprised..
I honestly felt as though I was seated somewhere in the bistro watching the story unfold from the visuals provided. You provided the reader the near ability to smell, taste, and hear everything that was happening.
The plot is so believable and drew this reader instantly into the web of feelings that the main character experienced upon realizing her past has invaded the confidence gained over the last four years.
The dialogue definitely added to the agonizing memories and the brief flashbacks provided enough information for the reader to understand the circumstance currently facing the main character.
The ending was fantastic! Finally, after at least eight years the character felt really good about herself...even if a portion of that feeling was pilfered from a forgotten bag.
There was so much to enjoy throughout the story, but "mean girls don't run" truly deserved the giggle it forced out of me.
A delightful story where the villain gets his due justice.
The characters and their misunderstanding were believable.
You managed to make the chaos of the storm aboard a plane make me shudder. This line definitely describes the turmoil within and without the cabin of the plane: “The storm inside had subsided but, the storm outside continued for another twenty minutes.”
The dialogue allows the reader to be drawn into the disturbance between the characters.
Although not totally grammatically correct, I am assuming that English is not your first language. I do hope that assumption is correct?
The ending was perfect as the scoundrel received his just reward.
This was a charming story about friendships that can be bonded within the heart in such a short period of time.
The storyline was good, allowing the reader to be drawn into the world of women who experience life outside their own social group. It provides an interesting view as the women venture into a more open lifestyle, although they seem somewhat ‘westernized’ already.
The dialogue was real and provided a distinctive voice to each character.
The ending allowed the reader to sigh in relief knowing both Aileen and Poorvi were safe and that their brief encounter had bonded a friendship forever.
This was a very imaginative writing based on the visual prompt.
The characters definitely took on their own distinctive personalities through the dialogue. Such a calm, encouraging conversation between two very-well-known stormy ladies.
The storyline allowed me to be drawn into the imaginary lives of Irene and Katrina and the roles they were forced to play.
Lines such as, “You are going to make a splash like no other in recent memory” and They both loved music, for it is something to be listened to closely, for in that one could hear the sounds of Mother Nature” were quite creative.
The reference to other sisters who had not quite become as legendary as Katrina or Irene provides further embodiment of these storms.
I enjoyed the story and the imagination behind it!
This was a comfortable storyline that allowed the reader to simply enjoy the friendship, plans, and lives of two close friends.
The story moved along at an easy pace letting the reader to relax and concentrate on the believable, cozy conversation between the friends.
I felt as though I came to know the characters through their dialogue and actions.
I do think you should run this through a spell/grammar check. It would catch some of the punctuation and/or the few spelling errors that were noticed. Also, an ellipsis is a triple-dot punctuation mark.
The ending was well-written. Without going into great detail, it definitely left its point with the reader. I’m not sure how I thought it might end, but this was a surprise.
A delightful story about two long-time friends who may one day soon become real sisters.
The opening offered the reader some insight on where the story might lead and aroused some curiosity as to just what the celebration gift from Taylor might be.
The storyline was sweet… a best friend finally noticing the brother.
The dialogue was believable although one line really seemed like somewhat of an insult to Kathy: “This gift is above and beyond my brother’s means but he wanted it for you.” I’m sure Marlene meant it as a compliment that Taylor would spend so much, but it seemed to almost lay a guilt trip on Kathy before she saw the gift.
Unfortunately, the ending seemed to extinguish the sparkle of her gift. How could the pleasure of this special day disappear so quickly? Personally, I would think a mere glance in the mirror reflecting the glistening from her ears would prolong the pleasure. Just my point of view.
This was a gem of a story that leaves the reader with that ‘feel good’ sigh.
A quaint story based on the lives of two sisters as they journey through life. This reader was drawn into their lives and their Hocus-Pocus chest.
You did a good job of bringing your characters to life for the reader. The physical traits, dialogue, and points of view of each sister allowed the reader to become close to them and care about the turmoil of their lives.
The ending was charming as the girls reconnected to happier times centered on the Hocus-Pocus chest. It was a creative way to bring forgotten happiness back into their lives.
Although the opening didn’t really hook me into wanting to read more, once the question about the gift bag was introduced, my curiosity grew. Could the mystery of the bag be mixed into the beginning as coffee was served?
As the plot thickens, this reader is definitely drawn into the story. Carrie’s devious plan to get back at Dawn becomes cunning and reaps disbelief with a giggle from the reader.
The dialogue is delightful and serves to develop the character’s personalities. Both women become likeable despite their differences of opinion on the gift. As more characters are introduced, again the dialogue offers the reader a distinctive view to each.
The turn of events is quite creative. Not only does Yolena save her friend from disaster, she manages to reveal the real culprit and destroy reveal her as the villain that she is.
I really like the thought behind your words...truth, inspiration, and feeling. Quite creative how you drew life from beautiful.
Just a thought, but rather than A life again, I'm wondering if The life within might describe more fully the life you are describing. It's the beauty within each of us that really matters and can be so beautiful. Just a personal opinion.
Also, I noticed you did use an apostrophe in the contraction "can't", so why not use an apostrophe in the contraction "it's" which equates to it is? Sometimes in our anxiousness to share our words, we forget to proofread ourselves.
Again, I really appreciate the idea of your writing. It makes one stop and think what others might have to offer beyond their exterior physique.
Hello, Shady RC, and welcome to Writing.Com. Well, as someone who has grown older, I can't say I agree with your words. They seem to be a rather one-sided generalization of baby boomers.
I do, however, like the thought and choice of words that you used in your poem to explain your personal thoughts on growing older.
This line seems a little conflicting since you are speaking of becoming old throughout the poem: The old us that once was. I interpret this as referring to us in youthful days and feel it might be more effective expressed as such.
Also, I think perhaps using a spell check might help. Callace? I think you meant callous? The word, thats, should be that's and why not capitalize I'd? I realize some writers prefer not to capitalize or punctuate which can favorably impact some writings, but since you punctuated i'd, why not that's?
The flow of your writing is smooth and you express your thoughts quite clearly. I feel I would enjoy reading more from your portfolio.
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