Interesting little story about a storm. I noticed several problems involving "tense". For example: "I hate storms I really am not comfortable at all with thunderstorms or hail or hurricanes or, god forbid, tornadoes. So what do I do? I move to a tiny town in the middle of Oklahoma and end up living in a trailer. Feel like I should have an X painted on the roof!"
There should be a period after "storms" and to keep things in the same POV, this might be better: I hated storms. I was uncomfortable with thunderstorms, hail, hurricanes, or, god forbid, tornadoes. So, what did I do? I moved to a tiny town in the middle of Oklahoma and ended up living in a trailer. I should have painted an X on the roof!"
Or, if you wanted to keep present tense: "I hate storms. I am not comfortable at all with thunderstorms, hail, hurricanes, or, god forbid, tornadoes. So, what do I do? I move to a tiny town in the middle of Oklahoma and end up living in a trailer. I feel like I should paint an X on the roof?"
The differences are subtle, but maintain the same tense.
There are other placed where the "tenses" are mixed, but I did enjoy the story.
Thanks for sharing,
Kat
Join me at - http://katkola.ning.com
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A lovely Thanksgiving poem, made more lovely from someone who doesn't celebrate as we do.
There are some changes I would suggest in punctuation. I would not put the period at the end of the first line in the first verse. I would use a comma in it's place. I would also put a period after "feel" in the first verse, after "Australia" in the second verse, after "yummy" in the fourth verse and after "dinner" in the fifth verse.
It seems you had your own little Thanksgiving Day as you dreamed of sharing ours Nothing at all wrong with that! We all need to be grateful.
Thanks,
Kat
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This is a very moving story about a little girl, who was a foster child, being adopted by a loving family. I would like to know more about why Sassy's Mom had to give her up to foster care.
Also, I would like to see the characters move the story along instead of having the narrator explain the story.
Nice plot and story idea.
Kat
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Wonderful poem! I especially liked this verse: "Miniscule white bites convince the moment
to retrace steps back across the threshold". Excellent description of "footprints"?
Thanks for offering it to us.
Kat
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Wonderful story, Xander! The characters were interesting, especially Davey and Mrs. Kingman. The story was fun and made me want to keep reading ... a great balance and not easy to do.
I loved the plot! I think this is a great genre for you.
Keep up the good work.
Kat
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Very, very good Flash Fiction! Your first sentence introduced the reader to the story and made him/her want to read further.
Your title was appropriate for the story and there was a beginning, middle and end in your word limit. That can be difficult to do in Flash Fiction. I loved your description of the vampire!
Keep Writing!
Kat
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I loved how you took a current issue and made poetry. We're seeing strange things like this happening all over the world due to climate change, i.e. penquins coming ashore in Brazil.
I thought the first three verses flowed freely, but the last two, for me, were halting.
The whole poem was informational and well thought-out.
Thanks,
Kat
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I loved this story. I'm an animal lover and completely understand how Bear took over your heart and helped with the empty-nest syndrome.
I think you wrote this very well. I didn't see any grammar or punctuation errors. I think you may have left out the word "a" in this sentence, just before "breeze": Suddenly I had tons to do. Housebreaking my oh-so-intelligent pup was breeze!
Keep enjoying Bear and keep writing!
Kat
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This was a very cute children's story. I can see the illustrations in my head as I read the story.
You've shown clearly how something so innocent can be a source of fear for a small child. Sometimes we forget that their view of the world, both experimentally and visually is quite different than ours.
Nicely done.
Kat
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What a lovely poem about new love! I noticed that in the second and last verses, the second and last lines ended in rhyme, but not in the other verses. I don't know whether this was intentional but it is quite unique.
I have a little trouble with the first verse, particularly when you say, "And when I thought you too generous, You began to be really caring." It seems to be a bit confusing to me because I believe generosity to be really caring?
Thanks,
Kat
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This is a very original way of writing about a terrible day in our nations history.
May we never forget what hatred can do and always be hopeful that tragedy is not in vain. Remembering keeps hope alive. Thanks for illustrating this in a very unique way.
Kat
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I loved this and could certainly identify! My girls grew up in the 60's and 70's, but some things never change.
I thought you painted us a picture in your poem of the reality of "life with teenage girls"! I think perhaps another title for your poem may work better. Also, I think I would leave out the words "to me" in the second line of the last verse.
I really enjoyed this and the memories it brought to me.
Thanks,
Kat
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This was quite a surprise, Xander. I liked it very much.
I really liked the simplicity of your words. You are right, we don't have to use embellishment to grab our audience. I've found that sticking with the fundamentals of language and using just the right word at the right time is very effective. You've done that here very well.
You've shown us what your subject valued, i.e. his home and all that it offers him. We know that he has a good work ethic and must work very hard, but he also has a tender side, i.e. his wanting to feed the squirrel.
Then, we see that all is not what it seems when you tell us that he's not alone.
Very good work!
Kat
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I like your poem very much. It speaks of contemplation and an appreciative and hopeful heart. You show us what you treasure: love, friendship and family. You also show us your realization that the past cannot be changed and that all we have to cherish is what we have now and hope to have and be in the future.
Thanks for this refreshing work.
Kat
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Your poem is a prayer and contains such tender words. I especially liked the "the lake of emotions I call my heart". I've never heard the heart called this before and feel that it is a very accurate description.
You describe your approaching peace so well as you sit waiting for your prayer to reach the Divine. And then, the peace that passes all understanding!
Keep up the good work!
Kat
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I really loved this. I wish I knew the melody you had in mind!
The imagery of rubbing elbows with the stars and visiting Jupiter and Mars "cuz...it's moonlight in the mountains" irresistible. I think you should have won first place!
Keep up the good work.
Kat
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I loved your poem about the eruption of Mt. St. Helen's. I remember the event well and visited Mt. St. Helen's myself in later years when some life was beginning to show through the ashes in the form of spring.
I like how you tied the eruption into your family memories and your father's death.
I suggest that you make the "font" larger for easier reading on writing.com.
I look forward to reading more of your work about Mt. St. Helen's.
Kat My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
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Excellent story! I liked the layering because it does make one think. Actually, the poem was very dark to me, not innocent, before I read the doctor's analysis of it.
I think that combining literature, psychiatry and the law is a novel way of writing a novel. I also liked the doctor's explanation of malevolence versus evil. I agree with him completely.
I look forward to reading more of "Trinity Lost". Hmmm, "trinity = literature, psychiatry, law?
Kat My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
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Quite a surprise to find out that the main character is both the detective and the culprit/criminal! I think you did a very good job with this story. I do have a few suggestions.
I think the first paragraph should be much stronger - something that makes the reader want to read on, like: "Was someone murdered at the Daytona Pilgrim's Inn? I found myself asking that question on the fourth day of my stay here. It was hot and humid - the kind of day when it felt too hot to be under the sun at this time of the year in Florida."
I thought the ending was a little ubrupt and I felt slightly cheated, as if the time I invested in reading the story was wasted.
Keep writing!
Kat
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I loved the twist at the end!