What a cute story for this time of the year. Which one of us gals hasn't done something like that!
Your story was very well-written and brought a smile to my face and memories of one summer when I wore a bathing suit that became transparent when it was wet. It was a white suit with little embroidered flowers and I loved it. Who would ever think to check out a suits "viewability" before purchasing it? I certainly did from that time on!
Contratulations!
Kat
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Hi, it's me, reviewing your story: "This is the Best Trap, Yet!"
FIRST IMPRESSION: I was prepared not to like this story after the first couple of paragraphs. I generally don't like things from the dark side or the occult because of my own childhood and having learned that such things really do exist and destroy people's lives. However, somewhere along the way I saw the fun in this piece that allowed me to know that it is simply a playful story, I think? :-0
PLOT THOUGHTS: The plot was cute and certainly drew the reader in. I found myself wanting to know more about this little pixie.
ERRORS: I didn't see any errors in grammar or spelling.
FAVORITE PART: I think my favorite part was where she found her victims.
FIRST IMPRESSION: Your opening paragraph grabbed my attention right away and I was hooked.
PLOT THOUGHTS: I surmised from the first paragraphs that this dream was a portend of things to come. I think that you developed the plot very well. All of us who are mothers can identify with this mother and her problem letting her children enjoy their childhood pleasures when we know/think they may be harmed.
ERRORS: I think you want to use "swam" in the place of "swum" when you are speaking in past tense.
FAVORITE PART: I loved the imagery in this paragraph: Gripping the edge of the sink, she gazed out of the window at the moonlit, snow-covered meadows that drifted away to the distant mountains, and tried to calm her pounding pulse. Why was she having this same dream, time after time? The bubbling creek was silent now beneath the snow-covered ice. Why did the dream bring such feelings of dread? Generations of Jim's family had swum in those same waters and no harm had ever come to them.
This is a lovely story of longing and desire. Jeremy's desire to be adopted was seen immediately in the first sentence and the remainder of the story expanded on that desire. The reader can hear Jeremy's thoughts and feel his yearnings as he watches and waits to hear those wonderful words, "Please Choose Me".
We all know what it feels like to want something so badly that we act and/or react in ways that seem "needy" to others. It's that impulsiveness that endears Jeremy to us and you've shown us that so clearly when he slips down the stairs, tiptoes across the tiles and hides behind the Palm tree.
I'm glad that you showed us that Mariana was kind by the way she spoke to Jeremy.
I'm also glad you didn't let us know the ending of this story. We are allowed to write our own ending.
Like the Phoenix, love will rise out of the ashes of hatred. This is what I see and hear as I read this poem.
I not only see and remember the horror of 911, but also the cry of countries from foreign soil as well as our native soil...countries called Iraq, Afghanistan and America. Countries and peoples longing for bridges to be built, hearts and stomachs to be filled, and an end to heartache, hatred and hunger.
Whether it's New York or Baghdad, love is the only answer.
I simply can't believe that you are only 14 years-old. This is an excellent story! I found a few errors in form and one spelling error, but other than that, I can't say enough about how extraordinary this story is!
1.) These should be separate paragraphs: When the two armies clashed, blood rained down upon the street. The ‘slingers’ let their stones fly, causing several to stumble over in excruciating pain. The Celtic war-band continued playing its frenzied battle tune.
A winning side presented itself within the first half-hour of battle. The Irish cut through the opposition as if it were butter. They fought like vicious, caged beasts, deprived of flesh for days on end. The blood curdling screams and the sickening thunks might have
driven the ordinary man insane, but the fighters seemed to deal with it well enough.
2.) These paragraphs/sentences should be joined into one paragraph: “Brun! Take the left!” David yelled, while fending off a group of soldiers, “Push them back into the alleys!” He dodged the pick-axe of an enraged warrior and tore into his heart with his knife. In a burst of explosive strength, he rammed into another man, twice his size, knocking him down. The soldier cursed in Italian as his elbow scraped against the stony ground. A few savage slashes to the neck finished off the job. Despite being enclosed in a sea of dust, blood and sweat, David knew precisely where Vanquez was. One could possibly attribute this to some mysterious sixth sense that he possessed. He had always been a good tracker.
3.) These 2 sentences should be joined: “Your head will be a fine addition to my wall.” Vanquez taunted. His English was fluent, although heavily accented.
4.) Take out the perios after "done" and replace it with a comma: “A wall that I will own when this battle is done,” David replied, almost ceremoniously.
5.) Make these 2 different paragraphs:
A moment of weakness.
Vanquez pounced on the Irishman, bringing his large, malignant weapon down on the exposed abdomen.
6.) This should be 3 paragraphs: They zipped through the battlefield and entered an adjoining street. Men and women peeped out of their windows to watch the two. They held a strange fascination for such things.
The carnage appealed to their simple minds.
When David was absolutely certain that he couldn’t catch up with the wretched worm, he skidded to a stop and assumed a throwing position.
May the lord guide my righteous fist.
7.) Join these 2 sentences and correct the spelling of "hardy" to "hardly": The cuspated, iron weapon sliced into Vanquez’s medulla, rendering him unable to think, see or breathe. With a violent twitch or two, he collapsed onto the pavement. Life went out of his eyes quickly. He hardly had enough time to scream. His blood surged into the cracks in the pathway. A gruesome sight to behold.
Are you goind to submit this for publication? You should! Please keep writing.
Thank you for sharing,
Kat
I found the writing in this to be very well done. However, I want to shout at this person! Get off your butt! You're not paralyzed! The paralysis comes with what you put in your mouth or veins. The real world and the truths you seek have to be seen through clear eyes and a fight hard won. Won, by getting out there each day and being who God meant you to be. Giving to others from your abundance and receiving from them when you can't give.
It's easy to criticize others from your prone position. You think you see through them when, actually, you can't see at all because your mind and eyes are blinded by the haze of chemicals. You think they're phoney, when actually you are the phony one. Anyone can swallow a few pills or shoot up enough and deliver critiques of the world and people around them. That's easy!! The hard part is doing your part to make the world a better place and being a responsible human being. The hard part is loving yourself and your God enough not to waste the life rushing through your veins.
There are little children in this country and the world without food who would love to have the luxury of having enough money for food, while there are those like the person in this story who lie around wasting their lives and resources. Paralyzed? I think not. You're gutless, not paralyzed. Step up and live your life. Fight the good fight and then, if you can, critize in a way that makes for change and counts for something!
Kat
I loved this and was captivated from beginning to end. Is this going to be a short story or is it a first chapter in a novel?
I liked Lana and wanted to know her better. These are the things I look for in any fiction I read.
In the third paragraph, I think I might change, "She felt scared, but the good kind," to "She felt scared, but the good kind of scared,".
I found this sentence a little burdensome: "She tossed her head back the way Lana Turner did in Imitation of Life, her wavy, chestnut brown hair falling around her face." Perhaps, you could break it up into two sentences or leave off "her wavy, chestnut brown hair falling around her face".
Again, you have written this beautifully. I am in awe of your talent. When I read writing like this, I wonder why I even bother!
Please don't quit. Someone out there is waiting to discover you.
Thanks,
Kat
I loved your poem. The imagery is new and fresh and there is meaning on so many levels. The second and third lines, however, were a little confusing. You say "I take and pencil and withdraw the paintbrush". Could you simply say, "I take and paintbrush and
draw the illusion"?
This is simply a suggestion.
Thanks,
Kat
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FIRST IMPRESSION: I liked the sentiment of your poem.
PLOT THOUGHTS:I think the plot, if there is one in a poem, was to speak for the tiger.
ERRORS:I did't think your poem flowed well.
SUGGESTIONS: I think in the second line I would have said: A tragedy for man, a tragedy for beast and left the "a" out.
