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26
26
Review of The Chair  
Review by Katzendragonz
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Fyn!

I read your The Chair as part of my participation in the "Red Wedding updating event this month for this weeks' raid.

This piece is a delight. While my biggest fear at the dentist is paying the bill, I know any number of people who feel just like this young lady when pressed into that chair, turned half upside down, and their face stuffed full of metal restraints. It made me laugh right out loud!

You created a marvelously creepy atmosphere with your descriptions and your character's inner thoughts, as well as the dragon-lady guardian. I half expected to have something horrid snatch your main character off in some gruesome manner at the end.

The pace of this story ebbs and flows and holds the readers attention. The ending line is priceless! I loved it and the reveal of the simple place she really inhabited.

I will say you could tighten up this piece and enhance the emotions your main character feels by eliminating the use of passive (forms of the verb to be) verbs and verb phrases from your fiction writing. Using vivid, picturesque action verbs instead of passive verbs draws your reader in and lets him experience the action and emotions right alongside your characters.

Another thing that will enhance your writing craftsmanship is to eliminate the use of adverbs ending in LY. Instead of modifying weak verbs choose strong verbs that show your action.

Working on these two areas will make your great story outstanding. I enjoyed reading it, and I enjoyed the good laugh I got from it!

These are my thoughts and ideas alone. I hope you found them helpful. Not all of us see writing or any one piece in the same light. Please take what helps you from my comments and ignore the rest. Thank you for allowing me to read and review your writing. Keep up the good work, and best of luck with all of your writing.


Happy Writing!

Katz  

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27
27
Review by Katzendragonz
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello Fyn!

I read your Of Changes and Dreams as part of my participation in the "Red Wedding updating event this month and this weekend's raid.

I selected it primarily because your brief description said it was about a Storyteller. I am working on a novel about a StoryTeller and her sister and was curious to see what differences there are between yours and mine. Though our tales are centuries and worlds apart, and there the comparison ends, I was immediately drawn into your tale and enchanted.

The opening, written in present tens, did put me off at first. In my opinion fiction should never be written in present tense. I think it slows the pace of the story and distances the reader from the action rather than pulling him in as I suspect is intended.

Your dialogue and the pace and rhythm of the clans' language drew me in and pulled me past worrying about any tenses at all. Through their speech patterns you communicated so many things about your people: their lack of education, their view of their world, and in a way their hopes and dreams. It also conveyed a sense of innocence and peace within this non-technological society.

Normally, I would tell an author to limit the use of the passive to be verbs, but your tale is an exception. Its use actually enhances the story and adds to the overall atmosphere of the tale. Your descriptions, while kept at a minimum, clearly paint a picture of the immediate scene and some of the world beyond.

Each exchange between the clans people and the Storyteller drew me further into the story never for a moment letting my attention wander away. I was enchanted by your tale and your people.

After I read the final line, I had to just stop and let the whole thing sink in for a few moments. If only people could learn that lesson now!

Thank you for sharing this tale! It stuck a cord in my heart and made me glad my StoryTeller is so different from yours. I would never want to try and live up to the quality of yours had they been similar.

These are my thoughts and ideas alone. I hope you found them helpful. Not all of us see writing or any one piece in the same light. Please take what helps you from my comments and ignore the rest. Thank you for allowing me to read and review your writing. Keep up the great work, and best of luck with all of your writing.


Happy Writing!

Katz  

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28
28
Review of Wink and a hug  
Review by Katzendragonz
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello Smee!

It's your day to be spoiled! Happy WdC Anniversary!

I read your Wink and a Hug as part of my participation in the "Red Wedding updating event this month, but then you already knew that part! *Smile*

I love the concept this piece is written on. It's fun and lighthearted, but it also made me stop and think about what a change paying in "social contact" could and would make on society. It raises some interesting questions to; like, How would a couple know when their emotional exchanges were true gifts of admiration and love or simply a payment for taking out the trash, cooking a fine meal, cutting the lawn or doing the laundry?

On first glance this piece looks pretty simple, but in reality you really gave us a lot to think about with it.

Your dialogue flows naturally and is believable. I had no trouble identifying each speaker throughout. I also appreciate that you did not overload this piece with unnecessary dialogue tags. I enjoyed the interaction between your characters and went back and double checked the little underlying hints and innuendos in your dialogue. Excellent job!

I will say here you could tighten up this piece and enhance the scene and the emotions your main character feels by eliminating the use of passive (forms of the verb to be) verbs and verb phrases from your prose writing. Using vivid, picturesque action verbs instead of passive verbs draws your reader in and lets him experience the action and emotions right alongside your characters.

Working on this area of your writing craftsmanship will make your great story outstanding.

These are my thoughts and ideas alone. I hope you found them helpful. Not all of us see writing or any one piece in the same light. Please take what helps you from my comments and ignore the rest. Thank you for allowing me to read and review your writing. Keep up the good work, and best of luck with all of your writing.


Happy Writing!

Katz  

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29
29
Review by Katzendragonz
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Patricia,

Interesting Story! It held my interest from the first word. I love the subtlety of your plot and the surprising ending. Deb's stubborn refusal to give in even after fifteen years, thus thwarting her captors, is a delight. I would have enjoyed seeing more about the mystery ghost. His re-occurring appearances are tantalizing but left me wanting.

There's a little bit of a grammatical error in the middle that jarred me out of the story a bit. I'm guessing maybe it was a computer editing error.


"He was right there--I swear I seen him!"

"I believe you seen something, . . .


The correct verb usage in this instance is
saw. It's a minor error but you don't want anything taking your readers’ attention off of the story. Our writing needs to flow so that our readers never notice the detailed craftsmanship we lavish on them.

Your dialogue is crisp and natural. I could almost hear your characters talking out loud to each other.

I think the story could be intensified by adding more descriptive passages and making the reader feel what the characters are feeling. I never felt completely drawn into the actions and emotions of your story. Even so I enjoyed reading it. You have a wonderful talent for suspense and surprise. Your story evokes both without being macabre or gory. I think that is wonderful.

Keep up the great work!

Happy Writing!

Katz
>^. .^<

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30
30
Review of June BVN Article  
Review by Katzendragonz
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Rainbowapple,

Your South Island sounds like a delightful place. I love the way you included so many of the various attractions and amenities in the article. It does make me long to visit. Your descriptions are clear and paint sharp pictures.

I did notice a few typos/grammar errors that you might want to attend to in your next rewrite of this article. Take the following sentence for instance.


Through the swishing sea spray and soft marine layer is secretive little island that is well worth the time of everyone on this planet.


It appears the "is" in this case should be "this" instead. This is the sort of error that most often happens when the computer checks our writing for spelling and grammar for us. Just something you might want to be aware of. I always recommend two or three word by word reads for catching silly boo-boo's like this. Reading the piece out loud is another good way to catch these pesky little problems.

Another thought . . . you also have a few over-burdened and somewhat convoluted sentences in this piece. They tend to drag the reader off target. They will communicate your meaning much better if they are broken up. Here's one for example:


There’s a good reason for that-many livelihoods there quite literally depend upon the climate, which is not always the safest of bets, given that the South Island in particular has such dynamic and ever-changing weather patterns, of close to mythical proportions.


This passage could have been written this way:


There’s a good reason for that. Many livelihoods on South Island depend upon the climate. This is not always the safest of bets; South Island experiences dynamic and ever-changing weather patterns, of close to mythical proportions.


Do you see how the rewritten passage isolates each idea and makes the reader take notice? The varied length of three sentences shorter sentences adds a smoother rhythm to the passages and focuses the reader's attention on each idea. With long, convoluted sentences the reader often loses the meaning before he reaches the end.

This is an informative article and definitely makes the reader want to start packing. You shed light of a wealth the fascinating places, interesting people and beautiful natural wonders. I enjoyed reading about the place of your ancestors. Thanks for sharing it!

Happy Writing!

Katz
>^. .^<

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31
31
Review by Katzendragonz
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi Nizza,

Let me say up front I'm not much of a poetry critic, so my comments will be more general in nature.

Your idea for starting your story at both ends and having it meet in the center is interesting and not often tried. I'm not sure how successful it will be unless you give your readers some kind of warning or instruction up front.

You have some great beginnings here. You work is filled with strength and emotion.

Having it broken up in small bits as you did I found it hard to follow the storyline. I'm not sure if you are doing a short-story length piece here, or are looking to expand it into novel length.

It takes a lot of work to tell a good story in a poetry format and I think so far you are doing well at it.

There are any number of ways this work could be organized. One suggestion I have that would make it easier for the reader to follow your plot lines would be to layer the two stories and have them grow closer and closer until they meet and blend at the end.

The Singer Trilogy by Dr. Calvin Miller is written entirely in poetry. It might be useful in giving you some ideas and examples in writing a novel length story in poetry. Here's a link where you can purchase it if you can't find it in a local library.

http://www.alibris.com/booksearch?qwork=6100437&ma...

Again, I think you have a great start here, interesting characters, and some vivid description. I admire your boldness in striking out and finding new ways to tell your story and expand your talents.

Keep up the great work!

Katz
>^. .^<

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32
32
Review by Katzendragonz
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi IdaLin!

I loved this story. Your main character was realistic and easily believable. The plot was just enough twisted to be fun and surprising. The ending is great.

I did notice is that at the beginning of the story there were too many passive verb clauses. Passive verbs slow down the story and distance the reader. That part of the story is slow because of that. Once the action gets moving it's great.

I also suggest you watch the use of adverbs, especially those ending in "ly." Using descriptive phrases rather than leaning on adverbs adds color to the story.


Mechanically he worked the register, mumbled "Two miles." waving vaguely south. He kept looking warily up every few seconds. He gave her change, and backed away.


You might try something like:


Robot-like he worked the register. With nervous jerks he kept popping his head up to check her where abouts. "Highway's two miles that-a-way," he mumbled and flapped his hand in the general direction. He dropped the change in her hand, careful not to touch her and skittered as far back as the counter would allow."


Do you see how changing basic adjectives to descriptive phrases adds depth to the scene and gives the reader a greater connection with the action and the feelings of the character?

Just my opinion of course. It is a wonderful story! I appreciate the way you added the horror and suspense without focusing on gore, violence and sensationalism. Great job!


Katz
>^. .^<

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33
33
Review of Framed!  
Review by Katzendragonz
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi!

This story was delightful! From the moment I read the title and the teaser I was wondering how in the world a little girl would get framed, and for what.

It is well written, tight and suspenseful without being too sugar-y sweet.

I loved the ending. You captured the complete faith of a four-year-old that her doll is real without belaboring the issue. I also loved that you left it right there, so your reader can decide just how Maggie's mom reacts.

After a wading through a few dismal tales this one brightened my day!

Thank you!

Katz
>^. .^<

34
34
Review by Katzendragonz
Rated: E | (3.5)
Overall I am quite intrigued by your chapter.

I especially enjoyed the way you held back the nature of your male character. I do think though one would display a greater sense of shock and disorientation upon discovering that the one was no longer human.

I like the way he retains his human identity within the dragon's body, but how does he really feel about losing his human body?

I think a more detailed description of the setting would enrich your story also. I found it fairly easy to visualize the characters, but the setting is so breifly described that I'm not sure where they are other than high up and cold or why the place may be important.

I also like the mystery of why the woman is there waiting for him.

I will say this, as it was said to me as a new member here. Your work on line will be much easier to read if you put space breaks or indents at the beginning of each paragraph. I started doing that on my work and not only is it easier to read, it's much easier to review and edit that way.

I didn't really look for spelling or grammar. The story held my attention well enough that no errors glared out and grabbed my memory.

I'm interested in reading more of your work.

Have a great one!

Katz
>^. .^<

35
35
Review of Garon Greenleaf  
Review by Katzendragonz
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I'd didn't exactly like this story ,but it definitely held my attention to the very last word. That I did like.

Your characters are well developed and reasonably unpredictable. That adds interest to the story. You also have very good descriptions. Both helped build the setting and context of your plot.

I appreciate the drifting boundries between what is truly good and evil in this piece. It makes one stop and think. I think that is a good characteristic for any piece no matter what genre it may be.

Since this story is so far outside the realm of what I write or usually indulge in, I don't feel qualified to address any possible plot enhancements.

I see a lot of thought and creativity in your writing and I didn't see any glaring grammar or spelling errors.

I like your writing style too.

Thanks for sharing!

Katz
{c:brown>^. .^<
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