Hi - I read some of your story. It is quite good - especially the grammar bit. And your use of descriptive language immediately places me in the story. I think with a bit of editing, we could go a long way with this piece.
Just me thoughts matey...take on board what ye may, if others heap accolades on your piece, no skin of me nose, I just like readin' about me only qualification.
So...
The opening is weak. You launch off in the technical side...when stories is about people and how they deal with situations...A novel begins at chapter II...in your case after I skimmed down the first bit...it got interesting and I wanted to read and read...Yeah yeah...I knows you has reason X or Y to counter this, but it is an easy fix!
***
If Whitney was the practical one, her boyfriend was always the one asking the silly questions.
- this is all against "show, don't tell"
Just a couple of me observations...I take 1/2 star for these...Great piece otherwise!
Hi - I read some of your piece. I have to admit, the plot is good, if this ever hits the books shelves, I will be quite interested to purchase a copy of it.
But yeah, I will get to my own pevish out first...when reviewing, I tend to go for the overall piece, in how it moves me and so on...so apologies if I hasn't done what ye set me out for.
When writing, it helps a lot if you outline every aspect of the story, from beginning to end, with the bits in the middle. Also the characters, their traits and so on. And then, as you type the story, you are basically filling in the gaps.
Now...with your piece, I couldn't quite place the theme...is it attachment, romance (bonus for this as I likes that genre), twist ...or just drama . ...
Para 2. well...I almost stopped here. I don't like cuss words in me stories. Yeah yeah I knows that you wants it authentic or what ever reason...but cuss words don't cut it for me. When picking up books at me local bookshops, I tend to read a bit of the first chapter before deciding to buy it or not, well I would have put this down smart if it was there.
But yeah...all the best! I will consider buying it if me fancy strikes, jest me ideas matey I added. Take on board what ye may as I jest like readin' about me only qualification. All the best!
Hi - I read some of your piece. It is quite good, especially the grammar bit. Well a least to my intermediate level. Also your prose is quite reminiscent of some of the classic books I have on my shelf, so much as to I almost reached for it.
Anyway, just a few of my thoughts:
Take on board what ye may, I jest like readin', abouts me only qualification...so if others heap accolades on ye piece...no skin of me nose matey...
I found the opening weak...you kinda set off to explain the background away instead of a hook to lure me attention.
Para 2. is all against the principle of "show, don't tell". This red flag so early on in the "story" . . . well you can probably finish off this argument.
Yeah yeah .... I knows that ye has this reason or that reason for ye style .... but if ye comes into contact with some legendary authors, ye can git some ideas. This website is a treasure trove for research too.
At the end of the day, the ultimate judge of your work is the reader. So I hopes you don't mind me thoughts.
All the best & as a gesture of good faith, here's 85 gps...I knows ye has a bestseller in you...especially judging by the clean error free writing!
Hi - I read your piece. I like your grammar, and how you bring the reader into the environment. You have created a wonderful world that I would enjoy exploring in due course.
But anyways, just a few things I picked up.
The opening is rather weak. Well nothing is happening. If the hook isn't there, you have every chance of missing a book publishers initial survey, and have your work end up in the skip bin along with hundreds of other submissions. A good story begins at chapter II...so this is probably where you ought to start the piece.
Para 2 introduces "Suzette". A casual reference, but it will help if you add detail. Otherwise you get a shallow person, again, an indicator to move onto the next work.
Wow! I'll save you some trepidation first and award my five stars before giving my thoughts on the story.
I like the hook, and couldn't wait for the next line. It seems that you are efficient in your writing, as there were no redundant sentences that I picked up.
Finally, the ending was great - it was a complete story instead of falling off half-way. This is the story I would like to read from a famous author.
Hiya - this is a sad story...I hope not based on true life, but given the real world, well the real world can be hard on any young life.
I found the story emotionally charged.
Only change I would consider is para. 6. You have mentioned the boys, and some of their character, but what relevance is this to the theme of the story? I found the momentum of the story had stopped here. What you have here is something not fully fleshed, and insignificant.
Hiya - I read your piece. It comes out like a prologue in my opinion, if not a historical item. Kind of like you are giving the background of story first.
Anyway, I like that there is no grammar faults, and that my interest level was quite high. So you get a few bonus points for this.
Now...what got me was that stories are about people and how they deal with situations that you and I would find, well, out of our comfort zone. In this case, I didn't have a character I could get attached to, and see through his eyes. Also of note is that there isn't the "show, don't tell" aspect...so this is why I have to take 2 stars off.
If at any time you do choose to upload this, then I can perhaps alter my rating.
All the best...and keep on writing, would love to see more of this world!
Hiya - I read some of your story. It is quite good, especially the grammar part. It does have a feel good atmosphere about it too - the sort of book I'd be proud to hand over to a teenager for a present.
Anyways, just a few things I picked up...it's jest me opinion matey, so if ye gets others heap accolades on ye piece, no skin off me nose, if ye does not wanna take on board what I puts down. I jest like to read books I'll have you know.
The opening wasnae strong, it didnae pique me curiosity to read further. yeah yeah I knows it gets better "later" . . . but you has to get a good opening hook early on.
I was a bit lost on the theme, or plotwise as to what it's all abouts. I know what I likes, so it'd be good if you tie in some hint or three what the story is about.
Also para 1. isn't "show, don't tell" . . . get this wrong, and you get editors at major publishing houses, not to mention readers discard your writing in favor of something fairly on . . . and then they start reading someones else work.
Holly shrugged, but didn’t dispute it. Her mother had always had very particular ideas of what she felt a twelve year old girl such as Holly should’ve been doing. Mostly, she’d expressed her concerns that Holly having a grand total of one friend, Emma, wasn’t good for her. But Holly was, for the most part, okay with only having Emma for a friend. Emma had been there when other girls at schools teased her, she liked the same movies and books, and she lived only two doors down. Really, what else could you need in a friend?
- another example of NOT "show, don't tell" . . . . there is also another blatant 2 para's of this 5 para's down . . .
A good thumb rule of writing books is that books begin at chapter 2. So...food for thought...
Anyways, all the best, I give ye plenty of stars for grammar and such, but the remainder is jest what I spotted. All the best and keep on writing!
I read some of your piece. It is quite good, the style aroused my curiosity a bit. It's kinda a bit of chase/detective element thrown in too, with magic/fantasy/science. Wow! A complex theme. Should be interesting to have this one pan out if you end up a novella.
Anyways, a few basic grammar points I immediately picked up. The start don't have apostrophes, speech bubbles. If you was gonna for a gold medal, you better get it right fairly early on.
You gotta describe the characters too, so as to help the reader visualize them. Yeah they is scientists, so I make them stereotypical middle aged in lab coats. But if they is something other, then well, I get upset.
Para 2. "yes" should be capital. I noticed you omitted this a fair bunch times later on too.
Hannah left the photocopy of the manuscript on his desk, but still feeling unsafe, left by the back door and went to a hotel. She could feel something wasn't right. She couldn't tell if it was danger or just that odd feeling you get when you can tell something isn't right.
- what is the relevance of going to a hotel ? If you do a location shift this big, have something happen, again describe it, or something. If it ain't needed, don't do it.
After thinking about it a while, She remembered the cabin she spent her summers with her granddad. He had a loose floorboard that he kept all his flys in. Amuses her now, he thought they were so valuable. It was his secret way of tying them. He was a bit eccentric, and maybe that's where she got that. Either way, it was as good a place as any to hide something.
-this para doesn't make sense. "flys", "tying".
- also, follow the rules of cause and effect. A character just doesn't decide/figure to go to the cabin. Something must trigger it. The trigger is weak in this case.
Might be a good idea to put this piece aside for 6 weeks or so, and then do a personal re-edit. You will be amazed to pick up some desperate changes etc.
Anyways, just some me thoughts matey. If you get others give you accolades, no skin off me nose. I jest like to read, about me all qualifications. Keep writin' willya and don't never quit. You got a best seller in you some where.
Hiya - I read your piece. It is quite good - I think the characters are strong and interesting enough for you to develop this further.
Anyways, I gotta admit, I have been thru some regency romance books myself. Amanda Quick, and a few others that I grab from the library if I can beat the competition...lol.
So yeah..back to your work...
This is a romance theme, and there all about boy & girl. The opening wasn't strong because you really threw the spanner in the works, or garden at the start. Everything has to be from the perspective of the protagonist, so you have show everything as from the eyes of Dorothea ie. how she views Lady Hortensia, her inner thoughts as to why she wants the job, a bit of poverty or dire straits or agenda...
A fly on the wall approach works...but your submission seemed to lack a bit of the "I don't know what".
Look forward to further works from you...your genre is just the ticket . . . and plenty of space for fresh blood here! All the best!
Hiya - I read your piece. It is quite good - with no grammar faults..at least that I picked up at my intermediate level. Now.. since you mentioned a bit on the opening hook, I feel I must add a word or three.
Take on board what you may, if you get reviewers other than me giving you thumbs up, please ignore what I put down, no skin of me nose.
Anyways, I am all for really short stories, and short review pieces that can help you reach your goal, so if anything, I can give you a bonus star for not wasting my time.
Now as for what you put down ...
Para 1. insinuates you are on horse back (galloped?)
Para1. has the word "slowly" ... you has to read up on the internet why not to use words that end in "ly"
You mention Emily in para 2. Yeah I know that she has blue marble eyes, but from what I read, the character is still a bit shallow, you need to add more description so as to make her someone the reader will love, and enjoy the rest of story with...
all I could voice out were grunts and mumbles followed by a firm grasp for my phone.
- why grunts and mumbles ?? are you tired, or simple minded, or panicky...the reader is not psychic...so you has to be clear. Leave details out, the reader finds too many questions, so won't bother reading any further...
the man sounded as if he had just swallowed a motor engine.
- what sound is that ? deep ... choked ... I don't know... another question that I don't know the answer to...
Just some of me thoughts matey...
Anyways, keep writing, and look forward to more of your works! All the best!
Hiya - I read some of your piece. It is quite authentic, especially from the point of a mom with 1+ kids, how you gotta deal with those kids issues and then wham! You get bombarded with life's normal problems too. If this is what having kids is like, well, no Sir, no way!
Anyways, just me thoughts matey, take on board what ye may, if you git a hundy other reviews give ye accolades, well no skin of me nose!
So...
From a readers point of view, who just sits in his arm chair and just wanna relax with a page or three of light entertainment...
I found the opening a bit to dull...you launched with a description of the 40ft camper...It was hard to make the theme out, if it was the camper or that you didn't want visitors..
Next 4 para's is also background...
- stories is about people, not ...well background...
An amazing anecdote or three would have done justice here and cause me to be greedy to find out what happens next...
You introduced Breanna (Brea) & Erik and kinda left them shallow. Some dramatic/ light dialogue would have been good so make them stronger so as to make attached to the reader, make the journey in the book betterer..
Hiya - I read some of your story. It is good - you have a nice way expressing thoughts, and your description of events/scene is really good. I think you have potential, as there were no grammar faults that I picked up. Your lines also flow rather nicely, from one sentence to next with ease.
Anyways, just the only thing I picked...
The opening isn't strong. You need a good hook to engage the reader. From where I left off...well nothing was happening. Yeah ya I know it gets good later on...but what if what I get the same nothing happening later on too...I just can't risk my time ya knows...And yeah ya I know you have reason X or why you wants the reader to git the background first..whatever.
Anyways, a good novel starts 1/2 way thru the story. It is especially important that newbies get this right, after you git your loyal readers base, only then can you experiment with ... well what ever floats your boat.
All the best!
PS - If you ever decide to do the 1/2 way thing, I'd be keen for another blast at reviewing.
PPS - You can check this website on good opening hooks, this is a gem hunters holy grail if you know what I means...
Hiya - this is a nice surreal piece, original in my opinion, and quite worthy to stand the test of time[pun intended]. Anyways, interpreting poems is not one of my strong points, so if I have missed any of the meanings, my apologies. It's just that this is damn good and emotionally idea!
Hiya - I read some of the piece. It is quite good, I spotted no grammar faults at least to my level. I was quite impressed with your style, it flows rather well, seamless from one sentence to another.
Anyways, just some of me thoughts matey, if you gets some tonnage of accolades from other reviewers, no skin of me nose, as I knows what I likes.
So...
The opening wasn't strong...no one is in danger, or if there is an aura of mystery that wants to be solved...you may wish to look up some good opening hooks in this regard.
I cannot git inside the protagonists head, and make the journey with him to finish the last line of ye novel...you use the omniscient [fly on the wall] approach. It works wonders when used right, but with a protagonist with whom the reader is expected to love, you need to make clear of what the protagonist is thinking...and why!
****
placed a hand on Leon’s shoulder.
&
placed a hand on his shoulder before addressing the patrons
- the placed the hand on shoulder comes to close to each other...may wish to edit this
****
Anyways, all the best!
Keep writing/editing, I know there is a best seller in you somewhere, if judging the discipline you have done in submitting so much word count. You may wish to check out some writing pointers in this website too!
Hiya - I read your story. It has a surprise, in my opinion, not a twist.
But anyways, just some of me thoughts matey. I like readin' books and stories, that's me only qualification, so take on board what ye may, no skin of me nose if a hundy others git you accolades. It's jest that I knows what I likes, and others taste is not normally of me kind...
So...
The opening wasn't strong. You give names of the family, but that's all about it. The names are just shallow, not fleshed. Hence not quite at all interesting. You may wish to tone this down to just whether the family is loving (or whatever). But make it worth reading!
***
....days after my father’s annunciation, just as he planned...
- save big dictionary words like "annunciation" for academic works, these slow the momentum.
***
I didn't quite get into the grove with the long conversation bit after para. 4. It was a drag, so I just had to skim it. Whatever the message, it is still there.
***
I like that you went back to this piece after a long period. If you read other pieces, and then compare this with that...you will find things to improve.
All in all, good effort. I didn't spot any grammar faults, at least to my intermediate level, so a bonus star for this. Keep writin' - you have a future in this I believe, judging from the length of this piece! All the best!
Hiya - I read your piece. It is quite good, my interest was at an all time high. Well I have to admit to ya that I am a veteran of a fair few interviews, some in the finance area. Thankfully I am out of that scenery for now, there are other ways to make the same amount of money ... for less work lol. I also have a writing in the works in a similar theme, maybe one day I will upload it.
Anyways, I knows that Mako is a shark, and since you used the term "curriculum vitae", and also "Hanover", I kinda figure you down under ... perhaps in New Zealand.
Now regarding your piece, it is quite good, except for what I guess some loss of momentum. The opening isn't strong a hook. You launch a bit too much on the descriptive element, an anecdote or three would have done this piece a favour.
Hiya - I read your piece. I guess, since the internet is diverse, to be subtle, this is one of the corners I wouldn't readily stray to. Anyway, from a reviewers point of view, you have a good hook, so I just let my eyes wander to the next line, and then the next line and so on...
I'll give you my full marks...but excuse me if you don't mind...if I ever buy your published items, and then hide it somewhere ... lol.
Hiya - this is quite creepy, a house in the middle of nowhere, and then you get someone(something) having a look for something. Thanks for uploading the photo - I won't be sleeping early tonight, or even well, even if I live in the middle of town...lol. All the best!
Hiya - I read some of your story...um I guess good effort. It is fast paced, original and quite violent...lol. You have discipline to go further I believe, so don't forget this idea...I guess I wouldn't mind if I see this hit the bookshelves in the near future. All the best!
As the "articles" of yours that I have read are mostly tongue in cheek, I was quite amazed that you got a bit serious on the scientific validity of this one. I haven't clicked on the references, I trust you on that, but yeah...hopefully you haven't opened a pandora's box on this.
Anyways, just a little anecdote:-
Some time ago, I was at the hills end of the town, waiting by the obligatory convenience store for some reason or other, when a work mate commented on the checkout operator...he said that she had six fingers due to ... well inbreeding. I never checked, as now I usually am quite PC orientated, since my comments/action in the past led to me digging holes that I never got out of easily. I tell ya one, she was a hot number!
Hiya - your piece is quite good. It touches on the theme that "every man is an island", no matter how long our contacts list is, or the quality of people in it. I guess everyone at one time or another feels in the position of being alone, whether in a bus all by themselves, or waiting .. . for something.
Hiya - this is a good piece. I must admit, you got me on this one. As I was reading the story, I was thinking of city living, and how this relates to me. You used short sharp sentences, quite fast paced, and I guess that I was so mesmerized by this that I was well in the trap of the twist at the end.
Hiya - I like this nice tight piece. It is plot, as opposed to character driven, and in my opinion. Normally I don,'t favor this sorts of story, but it works. I guess the small size of the story does justice in this format. When I give ratings, I base it hugely on how I feel, and yeah, the story made me reflect in the countless skirmishes unsung yet, but the heroics are legendary none the less.
Anyways all the best!
PS - Not sure if deliberate, but I wonder about the spelling . . . it does give character beyond the story if anything...
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