Hiya - thanks for the nice and short piece. There was no grammar faults I found, at least to my level. And yes...this for sure is a modern age story. Amazing how much times have changed.
Now regarding some criticisms. The opening isn't strong. You may wish to browse some openings in the local bookstore...something gripping always works.
The piece is very strong against the "show, don't tell" principle of story telling. Yeah I know that you wanted it this way because of that X reason, but it don't work that way.
Hi! Wow! What a build up! As short stories go, this has to be a prime example of some of the better ones out there. I really enjoyed Paul Jennings books of short stories with a twist back in the days, and I guess reading what you have here, brought back some wonderful memories. I think, I'll put you in my stalk list [just joking], if you can produce works consistently of this nature.
Hiya - I read your story. It is quite good, and I guess I can understand your concern. I have had people close to me just shut after that one piece of news that triggers something in them. My world is quite small, I chose to shut off much which doesn't concern. Thanks for sharing your story.
Hi - you have a good short piece. In real life, more often than not, when one thing goes wrong, it will lead to a chain of events, some for the better mind you. I guess being an optimist, some of the nicest gains in my life have being because something went wrong in the first place, and it was just handy for me to get that one valuable insight/bit of help from a friend, colleague or a stranger.
The only thing I picked of major was that "Smartphone" doesn't need to start with a capital "s".
Of minor is that the opening isn't strong, but because the piece is small, super small time is needed to read and ... well review this.
Hi -I read your story. I like the twist at the end, you left it open and I suppose it is a pragmatic piece, and we all intepretate as we all may wish to be.
I'm a firm believer that when you write, you only use the words you need to. Any fillers are distracting, are a waste of the readers and writers time.
Hence, if you need to expand this, I wish you luck. Short stories and book length are different in their own rights. It can be done, but rules will apply.
Hi - you have a poem that is quite brutally honest. I often think about this area of the city, but often have to pretend that it doesn't exist. There is so much I can give advice, but at the end of the day, it's those have a choice can make the choice. So sad that with so much happening in the world for those with no choice, some of us choose not to make life better for themselves.
Hi - this poem can relate to people. But it really reminds of me of the wonderful times I have had sometimes at the many rivers. I would find a good spot and watch the water flow, usually my eyes would rest on a prominent rock or feature and I would wander in my thoughts as to how many thousands of years this would have been here for, and how many more before it would move on...
Hiya - this is a surrealist piece alright. I spotted no grammar errors, at least to my level. It really reminds of some the songs I listen to...one of those pragmatic genres where the singer is an observer of the world around them.
Anyway, my feelings while I was reading this is that there is too much information overload. By the time I have a firm image in my mind of a place...it's time to move on. As such, I could read this many times, but the lack of depth and interest wanes as I progress.
All the best!
PS - It's just my thoughts...mayhaps someone else will give you plenty of rave reviews ...
Wow! I am so glad I am not in the circle of your characters!
Well, I have to admit, the last novel I was finished was Dean Koontz, and then Stephen King before that. Neither really had me sitting up in my comfortable arm chair, where I criticize anything and everything. (I'm also very safe)!
When I review items, I don't go specific things that stand out...I go for what entertains me, as in how the overall story moves. Yours, rather, does not entertain. Those spine tingling feelings remain.
I will give you all the top scores...even though I was not impressed with the f-bomb thrown in.
Hiya - I read some of the story. It is quite good. I was hooked on the first line. Your use of the fantasy really reminds me of the "Forgotton realms" books in my collection, something that I still need to start reading. You have strong interesting characters, and in the theme of doing good...against evil, my memories of younger days at Dungeons and Dragons are being stirred.
Hiya - I read your story. It is fast moving - with plenty of interesting characters. And it has a good dose of classic metaphor...which in this day and age appears almost a relic that even some best sellers authors struggle to work correctly. Your use of dialogue is awesome. Best of all is that there is no grammar faults..at least to my layman's level.
* the things I didn't like
- after the theft...it seemed too easy for the protagonist to get away...as weather/time/skill was all the side of our hero. Yeah...I know that you wanted it that way..for that X reason, but the reader always has the last say.
- the use of the word "credit" stands out.. In my opinion, even though this is a sci-fi story, I think you can omit this economical unit of measure. A better approach can be to use this to build up the character ie is he poor, on a limit, frugal etc.
- para 4. The bit about Aquila. I like that you have a background for the story, it's almost obligatory to have the name of the planet, and a bit about the history in a story...but it's not needed so early in the story. If you are going for a novel, leave that bit out, and have it as a puzzle for the reader. More interesting is if you leave this as puzzle to be figured out. The way you have done it is against the "show, don't tell" principle of story telling.
Hiya - I read your piece. It is quite readable. I particularly like the interaction with the protagonist and "Annie". Sure perhaps "Annie" is a cameo appearance, or maybe you are setting her up for an event in the past, but it does build the characters. The rest of the story is fast paced, I kinda wonder how you will stretch a book from this.
Anyways...all the best my 2 thumbs up for your writing!
Hiya - I read your story. It is really good, and I have to admit, you really deserve all the five stars, and then one extra. Your story reminds me of an old show saying..."always leave with the audience wanting for more" in this case I was disappointed that your piece wasn't longer...I could have read the lines all night long...
Hiya - this is a good poem that really captures what happens inside someone else's mind. I guess in this materialistic world I live in, it sometimes is better that you be seen with a person who is good looking on the outside(or surrounded by them)...but I also notice that these bright wings also have cracks in their armor and have independent thoughts and desires, and issues..
Hiya - this is an amazing story, and quite readable. I have to admit, your opening is a great hook, and roused the voyeur in me, when the age difference was introduced quite early in the story. I also picked up that you used the opening sentence as the last, for great effect, and it really touched the sadness that goes with romance stories of this type of ending. All the best!
Hiya - you have a well written story. I have to admit, that your story caught my eye, as at the moment I have just started on my very first Stephen King book ever. In your story, I am a bit confused that there is two issues at stake here, of bullying, and then the terror at night. Is there any link ? Either way, your story is quite readable, and my thanks for taking me into that journey! All the best!
Oh...so this is a poetry of that sort. Thanks for enlightening on the extra knowledge of the day. Your poem is quite pragmatic, it reminds of songs that I sometimes have to read words to. All the best, and while what you have here appears simple, I am sure you put plenty of thought into it!
Hiya - I read your piece. It is really good, and there is no grammer faults that I picked. I like your theme - of Mad Max type background. Well actually, I am a sucker for these type of nuclear wastelands stories...so you get a bonus, but biased extra star from me.
But things that put me off...
*** Stories are about people and how they deal in extreme situations...when you have this down pat, you also hand in hand pretty much got a strong character that the reader loves.
*** There is a principle of "show, don't tell" .... you blatantly disregard this...
*** you got cuss words...too early. This is quite of-putting.
All the best and look forward to the updated version...take my comments as you may on board...I don't intend to offend...I'm just an avid book reader...
Hiya - you have a really good story, from it's brilliant opening, to the ending. I am always a sucker for anything with a tinge of a romantic theme, so have to admit that I have before me checks all my good boxes. All the best and hope more of your work in due course!
Hiya - I read your piece and would have to agree with your opinion on this matter. I am quite guilty of trying to pass my day out...in the hopes that ten years down the track I will be at a better place where I can take a deep breath and look forward to the present.
And while reading what you wrote, I thought I'd mention that today I glanced at two occupants sitting in the rear of a car...both had eyes glued to their respective phones. Seems both would rather communicate via twitter or whatever media as opposed to the old fashion enjoyment of company...uh ha...
Hiya - I read your poem. You have a nice aesthetic quality of putting your words, and keeping the poem short is a bonus. I have to admit that you moved me, as normally I am the sort of person who doesn't really share other peoples feelings with ease. I tend to walk away from scenes and the dramas that come with life...instead look for things that are more to my nature.
Hiya - I read some of the first chapter. There were no grammar faults...at least that I could find. The writing is well mannered, and flows easily. And above all, congratulations on having made the score of chapters.
Now it's time for some critics...
The opening isn't very strong, I couldn't find any reason to want to read further...ie there is nothing happening to keep my interest. Well sure "something" happens later...or it gets better "later"...but if this is what there is...and given that there is tons of books out there...well frankly...I'll switch to another read.
But just a few criticisms from a layperson that makes me.
I'd advise you to go through this site's tips on writing stories, or maybe read a book on "writing books". You already have the majority of skills needed for a successful writer - you just need a little bit of research to help get to the next level. I believe you have a really good story to tell, and more to follow, you just need the theory for it.
All the best, and look forward to more of your works!
Hiya - I read your story. I'm a sucker for romance minded type of stories, and yours caught my eye. I guess we all have an anecdote or three to share with the younger generation, or a poor traveller unlucky enough to sit next to us on a long bus trip. Well your story will certainly have the listener/reader interested. All the best!
PS - Your piece reminded me of a work colleage with certain emotional issues. He once went on a date with a school teacher, single mom with two kids after meeting with her online on a dating website. The school teacher had bought along a friend for the first meeting, and as things go...it wasn't a match. Last I know of him...he was still single . . .
Hiya - you have an amazing story here. As an animal lover, and some time pet owner, I really liked the mystery element of trying to guess what the creature was. I have seen ferrets at the pet shop before, so the description did tease towards a ferret, but my vivid imagination preferred the extra-terrestrial. All the best!
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