Hiya - I read some of your piece and it reminds me of "The diary of Adrian Mole" something that I was fascinated with when the book was a big wonder back in the days. Regarding your story, I think you have plenty of potential here, but I was kind of put off with the rather poor opening (ie not very interesting) and the dates of the journal entries which led me to distraction. But otherwise good effort!
Hiya - I like your poem, despite that I don't normally dwelve into this genre. I haven't read the Gatsby book or seen the recent film, but it is in my list of things to do, since I have heard so many wonderful things (and controversial) things about the book and it's plot (or lack of). All the best!
Hiya - I read your piece. It is dramatic, action packed, and emotional. I think, with a bit of editing, and mayhaps training on your part, you will have a career as a writer.
All I picked up for improvement was the basic grammar faults. I'll list a few for example, if you want to continue to improve....
Getting into a taxi was like going to a gym. It was hot, smokey,and dirty.
- Gyms are really nice...cool, with fabulous people, clean, and not smokey. Maybe you need to pick a better comparison for the inside of a taxi . . . like the stale cigarette smell of passengers past in the cheap cab . . .
You can break down the second paragraph further in new sentences for speech - it's so much easier for the reader.
Oh i'm sorry but keep your head up Miss
-change "i'm" to "I'm"
"Novant Hospital"
-Full stop goes in the inside like "Novant Hospital."
The sign Novan Hospital made me scared and upset.
-It's Novant Hospital.
************
Just a few pointers from my side. When I write, I sometimes copy a section from a book, and just use the syntax from that.
All the best, please keeping writing as you have talent, that needs to polished before you can start on that great story! Look forward to more of your works!
Hiya - I read some of your work. I think you are onto a great start as there was no grammar faults, at least to my intermediate level, I picked up on, and your use of imagery is really good, as it places the reader right in the middle of the action.
But...what put me off was...I couldn't find anything interesting here. I think you need to have something strong to hold the readers interest in the first paragraph. Otherwise, a fine effort!
Hiya - you have a beautiful piece here, with a twist that I like, and of course an inspirational story. I work on the side of roads, and have seen a few close calls, not to mention the horror stories. Lucky, so far, no one was hurt. And I get days when I am just thankful l have come back home quit well and alive. All the best!
Hiya - I read some of your story. I could not find any grammar faults and I think your imagery skills are really good. From what I did manage to read, I think you have good flow too.
But what I think you can work on is basically to make the paragraphs a bit shorter, and more in line with the theme of the story. The first paragraph, and the start of the next one was kind of confusing, as it never gave direction to what the story was about. Remember, the story is about people, and how they deal with the situation. In your case, it was a bit a off my preferred genre (I need your gift points) but I think if you started it off kind of window shopping, and the moving to just before saucy, you would have a better chance of grabbing my attention, and holding it.
Hiya - Thank you for sharing that story. At many times, I too have been out of work, and wondered what I could do to earn a few extra coins. Many of the advertisements are for sales roles where you have to find your own clients, and sell them outrageous things for outrageous prices, and get paid in commission. And the hook is the beautiful models who have made it big with their expensive cars/houses/vacations after only 2 years of "hard work".
Hiya - I read your story entirely. You have written a beautiful piece, and I certainly hope you will continue the story, because it has everything you need for a space in the bestsellers list. I really envy your skills, and hope to get to your level one day. All the best!
Hiya - I read your piece, and think...it's ok. I could not find any grammar faults, and the sentences flow seamlessly, with a simple theme for my pragmatic self. It kind of reminds me of a guy at work, who isn't afraid to let other know of his feelings or the ailments he suffers from. But otherwise a fine effort - I'd rate you more than 4.5 stars...just that it hasn't got that "I don't know what" edge to it! All the best!
Hiya - I read your story. I believe that you have plenty of potential to become a professional writer one day. You have a good plotline, and the pace of the story is awesome, kind of like that of the Artemis Fowl series, as you add intense and urgent actions into it. You have the imagery part of story writing bang on - that is perhaps one of the harder parts of writing.
Just a few things I picked though...
“I don’t like this place.” Said Kora staring through the screen of the Meeding Sparrow RS556, into an asteroid field.
Try
"I don't like this place." Kora stared at the screen, her heart beating at her throat, as the wing of the spacecraft clipped an asteroid among millions of others in the belt.
What I mean is, "Show, don't tell". This is quite powerful, and with your imagery skills, you are well on the way here. So...look up "show don't tell" on google and get on the bandwagon.
She hated Trym, and hated being his partner.
- again, this is telling. So find a way in the dialogue or actions to let us this. You can gain a couple of paragraphs out this, and the readers loyalty.
“LOOK a spaceship!” Squeaked Trym. “Told you we’d get some action if we went off course.”
-Look up instances of this in the one of the millions of books out there, and get in the habit of getting the dialogue fixed when writing.
..Now I understand that this is a short story, but please write it out in the context of an extract of a novel. This way you gain more, and kind of gets the reviewer in the groove too. BUT no prologues! These come dime a dozen here, mean crap, and you often don't see those authors here again...ever!
All the best and look forward to more of your works, and in due course some published materials.
Hiya - I read your short piece and think it's really good. You use imagery very well, and I'm pretty much feeling what the protagonist is feeling, which is terror.
But three things I could pick out...
...which were attached to my four limbs...
- you don't need to put "four" here, if you use just limbs, I can pretty much assume you mean all your limbs. I don't know, but as I was reading it, the word "four" just jumped out and hit me in the intense flow of the story.
... Illiberally, The Vulture continued to peck...
- I don't know what that word "Illiberally" means, I don't just want look up a dictionary yet.
The first paragraph is a bit long. Maybe you can adjust it so it looks a bit more aesthetic.
All the best and you have a great career ahead of you as a writer!
Hiya - that is a good story! I have been to about 50 interviews myself(I kid you not), and I think there are just times when you don't connect with the interviewer. And yes, in hindsight, I get what the interviewer was subconsciously trying to make me say, so I could get the job.
Hiya - I read your story. It was quite well done, and your opening paragraph is quite amazing, as it kind of leads you to want to know more of what happens. Your sentence structure is good, as they flow well within the story. I am also quite impressed with your use of imagery, it seems you have this one all ticked.
Now...just for some criticism from a layperson and avid book reader that becomes me....
Paragraph four just doesn't feel right - here you are describing why she is at the cemetery, a kind of internalization of her motives. For now, it just creates a diversion to an already fast moving train, slows it down full stop, and now you have to build the momentum from scratch. Basically, I feel that you can rationalize her reason for being at the cemetery a lot later, and rather from a real time conversation with another character, instead of having it as a documentary telling piece, which readers don't like.
But otherwise good effort. I take off 1/2 a star for paragraph 4, else you have my top marks.
Look forward to you returning the favour with my "Fallen Sword" short story (-:.
Hiya - I read your story entirely and think you have a great career as a writer. You have great sentence structure, and nice flowing theme. The ending was quite nice too...you had a great setup for this at the beginning. This is not the usual run of the mill stories that appear on this site time to time.
Just some grammar faults I picked up:
One day here body decided that it had taken enough abuse and has up and quit.
- don't make sense, please reword.
grabbed a cooler from its resting place on the front porch and drug it down the walkway.
- "dragged" not drug
Then they would nab some of Rico’s mother’s chile powder and have themselves an after school to end all others.
- "chilly" not chile
But otherwise well done - I would be proud to have this story all edited in the public.
All the best!
PS I took a star off you for the grammar faults. You may wish to double check your work at least twice before sending it off to be reviewed.
Hiya - I read your story in it entirely. I think you have a really good style, with plausible conversation and a rather well paced storyline. It's one of those stories where you want to know what happens next. However, I couldn't quite capture the essence of the story, but tell you what, reading it was great.
I give you 4.5 stars for the top knotch story. The missing half is because I can't figure the story out.
All the best, and look forward to more of your works!
Hiya - I really like your story. It is one of those ones that capture your attention from pretty much the first paragraph. You have a really neat way of building character, in that if I close my eyes, I can imagine the players in the story. There is a really good balance of theme, and plot. I have to give you nearly top marks for this, and look forward to more of your works, or perhaps an extension of this piece.
Oh yeah...I take 1/2 a star off for having the story which I can't solve because I is just not that smart.
Hiya - I read your work. I think it's very good considering your style of making it up as you go. You have created a great opening paragraph, with a no nonsense straight to the point story. The characters are fleshed out well, and interesting. It kinds of makes me want to know what happens next.
By the way, personally I prefer to have an indication of how my stories will go from start to finish, with the fillers on the scene as I type. I guess everyone is different.
I give you 4.5 stars - can't make it too easy for you - you know. The penalty is for this sentence:
Now it was raining and cold enough to see your breath.
- I think it can be improved.
All the best and look forward to more of your works...or maybe the extension of this one.
Hiya - I read your story. You have a nice way of telling a story, your sentences move with a nice flow, leading to that "I want to know what happens next" feeling. I like your characters - you have fleshed them out really well, and it is easy to get attached to them. Your balance of imagery vs plot is really good.
Look forward to reading the rest of the story.
PS - I took 1/2 a star off because the start of the story was well kind of bland, as there was nothing interesting to hook me initially.
Hiya - I read some of the story and kind of skimmed the rest. I think you have an awesome sense of imagery, and this being of a genre that I kind of brush at every now and then, I think you have plenty of potential as a writer in the future.
But first some criticisms from a layperson and avid book reader that makes me....
Your formatting needs some work - paragraphs start with a tab. When putting something up for review, you need the best presentation. Without reading a single word, I have already in my mind given you a rating. And what follows in my list of things hang off the first.
Your first paragraph isn't that interest arousing. There were several themes there, one poetic, one with "Jane Eyre" and then Jade/loneliness/friendship or love. It might help to keep to one theme only at the onset so as to keep that special genre hungry reader hooked.
The protagonist isn't fleshed out yet, and of course in this modern it helps to know whether we are rooting for either a guy or girl.
Also, quite early in the story there are several unanswered questions - some of them are the circumstances of the 18 months when they met, I personally haven't read Jane Eyre, so what's with Grace Poole etc.
********************
I'd advise you to go through this site's tips on writing stories, or maybe read a book on "writing books". You already have the majority of skills needed for a successful writer - you just need a little bit of research to help get to the next level. I believe you have a really good story to tell, and more to follow, you just need the theory for it.
All the best, and look forward to more of your works!
Hiya - I kinda read the introduction first few paragraphs of your story and skimmed the rest. I could not find any grammar faults, and your sentences flow naturally.
But just a few criticisms from a layperson that makes me.
Usually in a story, and for more impact, you ought to in the first few lines outline the theme of the story. In this case, and yes cliché it is, a person hops out of bed, late as it is, and rushes out. This pretty much describes my every morning. My interest wasn't aroused. When reading stories, readers want conflict to escape their own everyday lives, not read about another person's boring life.
Another powerful tip I'd advise you is to flesh out your characters even more, by describing their inner thoughts and furnishing some background information. In your case, I barely know "Harold" and now there "Mrs. Chops" to deal with. The information you left out makes a readers job that much harder because we have to use our own imagination and yes that is hard especially in today's world when I can so easily get something a bit more detailed where an author did the work for me and my brain. What is obvious to you, isn't obvious for me.
I'd advise you to go through this site's tips on writing stories, or maybe read a book on "writing books". You already have the majority of skills needed for a successful writer - you just need a little bit of research to help get to the next level. I believe you have a really good story to tell, and more to follow, you just need the theory for it.
All the best, and look forward to more of your works!
Hiya - I found your essay interesting, and most important of all, quite enlightening. Having brushed around academic writing just recently, I believe you will get some good marks for your piece. You have concentrated on one subject (food etiquette in China) and have not digressed into another subject.
For our requirements, we had to, in the first paragraph broadly describe exactly what the three points we were going to concentrate in the remainder of the essay, and end the first paragraph with tight summary one line concluding sentence. Of course, in another higher institute, the essay guideline was quite a way different, so I was following 2 different formats it seemed. And then, yours is a third.
I kind of took a half star off the full rating because at the onset I wasn't quite sure how many points you'd bring up . . . sorry but your writing is totally better than mine if it's any consolation.
All the best and hope you post the results of this essay at some stage.
Hiya - I read some of the story from the beginning and skimmed a bit through the rest of it. As requested, just a few comments from and avid book reader and general layperson that makes (I'm the guy who will part a few dollars for a good read that will keep me entertained for a week, and maybe your work could end up on my bookshelf).
But basically, what I picked up at the start was information overload, which my poor mind simply couldn't cope with. Stories are about people, and interesting people at that, who cope with extra-ordinary situations and gives us readers an escape from our lives and a glimpse into that fantasy of what we would do in that conflict situation, all in the safe zone of our comfortable arm chairs (or lunch half hour breaks).
At the start of the story/novel, you should summarise the general theme of the entire plot. In this case, I got the gist of several characters names, who haven't been fully fleshed out, and then already a few more down the page, all in the midst of too much information.
I just know you have a solid story there some where, just that, will I ever reach it, or reach/click for another book ?
But otherwise, your strong points are your grammar, imagery, a rich and detailed environment.
In my opinion, you may do well to dig up some of this sites tips on writing a story, or a book on "Writing books". I believe you have something fantastic here, and with some polishing of the readers requirements, you can certainly get to a published author stage, but it will take some research first.
All the best...and look forward to the revised manuscript!
Hiya - I read only part one of your story. You have done your research on the K-Pop music pretty well, and there is plenty of characters and background to make the story quite rich. It is plausible and flows seemingly into the next scene. I cannot fault you for any grammar points.
Now for some criticisms...
The introduction is kinda vague. If you are going to write "Horror/Scary Supernatural"...if in the first paragraph you can lay the theme of the whole book/story, you already have an edge over many beginners. If you have a strong anchor to arouse the reader's interest, chances are, that us readers will naturally progress to the real juice and end of the story. But otherwise, like myself, clicking on the second part link of the story will be a chore.
Stories are about people, their inner thoughts, fears, characters. All I gleamed in the start was conversations. I think the characters could be fleshed out a bit more. And yeah...there was a subtle hint of bedroom activity in the start that you can maybe expand, after reading the "fifty shades of grey" to get to a potboiler level.
But otherwise, I believe, if you read some of this sites articles on how to write stories, or some "How to write books" books, I believe you can easily get to a published status. All the best and look forward to your progress!
This is a wonderful story with a theme. You have good sentence structure and flow, and a good way explaining things. I think, in your short story, you have everything checked to earn the high marks. All the best and look forward to more of your works.
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