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666 Public Reviews Given
666 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Review by kbot
Rated: E | (3.0)
I used to be an avid of "The Economist" magazine until I just couldn't afford the time for this brilliant piece of literary slice.
Your article was quite helpful, and although it is perhaps not directly influencing any of my major decisions or choices in life, it does in a way maintain my pride.
I gave you a rating of 3 stars because you did not include any yard sticks apart from historical data that is mandatory in the today's global economy.
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Review by kbot
Rated: E | (3.0)
This is quite neat. Everyone has their strengths and weakness in the team. In the new work environment where more people are so self-centered with their "I know best approach", it takes a little bit of fun to cut your losses and somehow have your blunders wiped away from memory of the rest.
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Review by kbot
Rated: ASR | (3.0)
Hiya

I read your poem and yeah it does tug my heart strings. Unfortunately, I don't tend to agree with the main theme of going overseas as the way I was brought up, it wasn't to do with going with the flow...

I believe that life has many opportunities, you just have to take them as they come, and sometimes a lucky break will come, it helps that you are out there to take advantage of the lucky break.

I recently left my job to get training for a certificate (I have a degree in business which got me jobs but sometimes I worked for people with plenty less education then me) and have many job offers, I start on Monday for a job far from home where I will work maybe two weeks and then say goodbye (resign) to these fine folks before heading back home to work for another person... yeah these skills I learnt in 4 weeks are in big demand, with big bucks...

...So you have to create your own opportunity.
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Review by kbot
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Hiya

I read through the idea piece in it's entirely. I think it is a wonderful scenario, and can already imagine it to make more than just a short story - you have a rich resource for pickings that can easily fill the pages of a [potential] classic trilogy.

My concern at present is that there is no human tragedy that I can really relate to. I understand that the "Aki" are evolved, in fact evolved enough to shed some of the essential elements that make a wonderful story with it's conflicts. I think at this stage, you can introduce some characters with needs and wants that a reader can relate to..eg romance, determination etc.

All the best, and I can't wait for you to develop this piece.
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Review by kbot
Rated: E | (4.5)
I like your poem - it brings some wonderful memories of someone else telling a story about how they were surrounded at one stage by greenies. Fortunately after chanting their message, the green machine crawled off. I am an environmentalist myself, despite at one stage in my life when I worked for a company that ... well really majorly polluted the environment but within the confines of the law and acceptable human behavior. My rationing was that if I didn't do the job, someone else would, and that person would really screw the world...by using too much paper and not keeping rein of the other colleage [ex] of mine who was just wasting oxigen, not to mention .... well end of my rant. Well done on your poem!
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Review of In Silent Service  
Review by kbot
Rated: E | (4.0)
I really liked like your imagery, and your grammer is good. I feel that with some editing, your story could easily hit the commercial book shelves with sucess - your plot-line is wonderful, and sense of submarine enclose appears genuine.

Now for a few things that I think you could work on....

It had taken Seaman Marco and myself well over an hour to scrub and squeegee all the backed up sewage out of one of the number two head. By that time there was already a line of five rearing to … undo out hard work. Not even a word of thanks form one of the five. We were met with only a look of irritation on old chief’s face as he shoved his way into the stall. Ungrateful bastards.

-I didn't find this opening interesting at all, I'd give this a pass if I was browsing the amazon book list.

Inside I found STS2 Wainwright (sonar technician subsurface, petty officer second class to any one topside) leaned back in his seat staring at his sonar display.

- Good use of military rank system...but what I really want is drama as in friction, the real gritty stuff. I also feel that Wainwright should have some personality and a wonderful sad/happy/eccentric story to build his character up.

The rest of my watch was as dull as every other. All I heard was the bad shaft on Faragut and a school of shrimp. Ironic how the sound they naturally make is one almost identical to them frying in garlic sauce.

- I've come this far...nothing of interest has happened so far. Sure you gave the background of the story setting....but no cigar. By this stage, I feel like I ought to tape my eyelids open to keep from snoozing on my keyboard.

As I started to turn to see who was next to me, I heard a moan. A sound I had never heard before. I couldn’t imagine what it was then I realized it was the sound of metal under great stress bending and folding. A second later the Lake Champlain’s sonar image began to grow. The system was not detailed enough to show exactly what was happening but I had to assume the ship had been struck by falling debris

- In my opinion, you should open the story at this stage. Something major is happening. I am scared for the hero, I want to know what will happen next. You can milk this drama for all it's worth, and then bring on the background of the story.

As I watched the sonar display screen I realized the alien craft was closing in on our heading, there was a good chance we would collide

- Instead of a "good chance" if you put it in as "it will definately collide"...you can give the reader an even more suspenseful ride, and the wonderful relief when the collision does not happen.

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Review by kbot
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hiya,

I read your extract and found it quite facinating and absorbing. Personally, I think that many people, myself included could be enriched by your wonderful mannerisms of writing, of your way of opening a story, and the details of the interesting characters.

I won't be surprised to have it hit the bookshelves soon....although I won't be buying it. After reading some 3/4 of the way, I found my feeble brain had to deal with too many people with their own situations. When I read books, I don't dwell on the intellectual stimulations that approach academic information overload tactics. Instead, I simply want to escape into another world. Another way to put it - escapism of my own problems to journey with preferably only one major character.

Please don't get me wrong - there are many bestseller books that use your style of several stories interwoven nicely - just that I have yet to completely read any. And my rating of 4 - my own personal preference of stories with just one point of view mostly....I prefer the "heros" in this regard too.



**********************
“Wake up now, Brother, you’re nearly there,” a voice said, and an immensely tall stick figure detached itself from the edge of the doorway and stood silhouetted in the light.

“Wake up now, Brother, you’re nearly there,” a voice "called"

I feel "called" sounds better..
*******

When he took it she hauled him easily to his feet. Standing beside her he saw she really was quite short, barely up to his chink, and he’d never been considered tall.

- barely up to his "chin" - not sure what part of the body, clothing the "chink" is....haven't checked a dictionary offhand.




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Review by kbot
Rated: E | N/A (Unratable.)
As an owner of three previous business's [one still part-time basis], I will have to give you points for good grammer, and a light coffee table side read.

I found the list lacking in some respects, that is research, hardwork, long hours commitment and discipline. I have over the years seen many business fail, some close to my own business where the "owners" followed your list only. I'm sorry I can't find your intentions - but reality has dealt me a harsh lesson.

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Review by kbot
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hiya,

I read your extract entirely. You write so beautifully - I won't be surprised to see a published version of this in the bookshelves. I think it is original, although it reminds me of "The Neverending Story". And given that you use historical references, your story will be extremely rich with details.

Now for a few things I would like to bring up.

Daxton wants to die, I still can't figure out why he fought the harpy thing. Perhaps you could leave an explanation in regards to this.


************
The revolver rested in the carpet where the coffee table had once been. The discoloration where the table legs had worn away the varnish on the hardwood floor was still faintly visible. The gun glimmered in the moonlight shining through the windows beyond. A cool breeze tickled his hot skin and the hair on his limbs stood at attention. He couldn’t have imagined a more perfect night.

- You use "revolver" and then "gun" later on....for a weapons freak like myself, it doesn't "feel" right.

************
“Are we interrupting anything?” Jacob Grimm wondered, his accent distinctly Germen. He sat down the large suitcase he had been holding to adjust his gloves. There was a mechanical control dial on the back of his left hand that was connected to his watch.

"Germen" is spelled German....

All the best!
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Review by kbot
Rated: E | (4.0)
Overall, the article is really good with at least two good points that I picked up – that McDonalds is not like other large corporations out to make a quick buck off anyone, but engaged in a long term strategy [14 years to break-even!], and the other is that they paved the way for other international businesses to enter the market place.
Having worked once briefly in a marketing environment, I was quite interested in this article with it’s high level summary.
I somewhat didn’t like the viewpoint of the article in general – it was from an American’s view point [note the spelling of “flavour”]. In my opinion based from talking with learned exchange students/friends from India, the typical Indian who walks up to the counter [countless others will forever pass on by this curiosity ] at a McD’s based in India doesn’t really understand/care the stigmata of McD’s as perceived the average Western individual – he/she is there merely to get away from the normal routine for an affordable treat, among others.
Personally I would have loved the author to describe the real ground floor inside of an “Indian” McD’s, eg the smell of fries, the noisy hustle and bustle of the checkouts, impatient customers in the queue, the brightly coloured and lit menu showing what is missing or extra, if the “free” complimentary tissues/straw are placed at a clerk’s blind spot etc.
But, hey, the strategy of McD’s seems to be working, and that’s all that matters.

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Review by kbot
Rated: E | (4.5)
The article is quite good, I had to re-read most of the paragraphs several times to get my pragmatic understanding through the layers of corporate jargon and my own ignorance maybe, and no doubt I will again read [several times] in the future. Personally, coming from a clerical background, among others, I can confidently relate to some of the practices while I was observing the “bosses”. But from a human point of view, everyone out there was simply to make a buck the best way they could given the resources at their disposal, and if they paid me low wages and overworked me and made me listen to their anecdotes [fantasyland stories] to get more spending power in their own pockets[or some other stakeholders’], I can happily attest that I did not have to take risks like they did, or have the sheer concentration to study and successfully pass the examinations, or could bear the kitchen heat. Maybe I was unlucky too, that I wasn’t in the right place at the right time , study just the right material among a sea of knowledge, be the right height, sex [etc] or my calculated risk did not pay dividends. Good article again – you have a snapshot of a corner of society that is from here, there, and every where, and whenever.
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Review by kbot
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)



Hiya – I like this story. It has plenty of suspense and a quarter into the story, I just had to read every last word. I did not find any mistakes in the story. The twist at the end is quite good, you left plenty of false trails so I couldn’t guess outright what would happen. There was just the right balance of imagery and plotline.

My only criticism is that the story started off too slowly. You gave the background information first, and this did not arouse my curiosity. It was only when I read down to the “I died…” part that I felt like wanting to know some more.
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Review by kbot
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)

Hiya – your storyplot is really great. You started off so well in the first few lines that I wanted to know more, the tension was just amazing. I like your use of imagery. Personally, I was impressed that you released bits and pieces information chunks about the demons to keep my interest.

The interaction of Malik and Bartholmew was really good – I would expect something like in a “professional” book in the best sellers list.

Now for things I didn’t like….

-In the first paragraph, there was just too much documentary type information, I skimmed the last lines on my first read just to get to next paragraph. I think you should have just concentrated on Malik giving it some to the demon, milking the gripping scene for all it’s worth.

The second paragraph goes

“All of a sudden, a low growl sounded”….. What’s wrong with “Suddenly, a low growl….” Point here is to use fewer words when the context demands.

Another line goes something like this: “The source of the sound was already upon him, pinning his body to ground.” Try, “He was pummelled violently to the ground with a thud. Malik struggled to get on his feet and fight, but found himself pinned by…..”

Your paragraphs are quite long, it seemed to get in the way of a great story. Try shorter paragraphs. If you look at some extracts of eg “Harry Potter” you will plenty of good examples there.

All the best – I am also learning how to write, and envy your use of imagery.
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Review by kbot
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I really don't know anyone with this disorder, and from my limited knowledge of the subject, I would not really associate with anyone this disorder. I read sometime ago about someone using this "disability" as an excuse to commit crimes. I'm not sure if the person managed to weasel their way out of doing time.
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Review by kbot
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hiya - I found your article quite helpful, as I am also reading up on a "How to write books" book, working on a piece that I intend to put up for review here, and in the same time where possible, devouring books that are more to my interest, and this time not just only getting lost in the story, but giving the writing style a more learned approach. Oh and also doing the occasional review in this excellent site. I personally find I can generate ideas better if I am also giving reviews.
I have saved your article to re-read several times over the next week or so, as I believe this piece is just too valuble for a once over, and also I can take my time to look up important words and really know their meanings, which I slept through during my english class. For your information, the words are, and from your article, and my "How to" book like "Adverbs, synonyms,consonants etc"
Apologies if my review breaks any of the rules you set out in your article, but then again, I am human, and certain things just fly over my head.
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Review of Write for Cash!  
Review by kbot
Rated: E | (2.0)
You certainly did get my attention, and I ended up reading twice. To be honest, some years ago we would get similar advertisements that were long, and promised a cell-phone at the end of it, but only after you sucessfully got 10 of your friends to buy some products they were selling. Sorry to add an anecdote to my review...but I am speaking from my mind, and now I avoid some forms of advertising like the plague.
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Review of Fade Away  
Review by kbot
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Nice twist - Paul Jennings my favourite author in this genre would surely comment favorably here. I like your imaginative description of the situation, and the build up to the climax really did raise my blood pressure. Using the temperature at the onset to set the mood is brilliance. Your lead character has plenty of depth, and the incidental but significant others are well described.
Something you could work on, I feel is, that you use too many redundant words in the storyline, which isn't necessary. An example is line two in the first paragraph:
*****
When I woke today, my mind was in a fog. I dragged myself out of bed and I've felt off ever since. The air around me felt thick, and everything sounded muffled. As I tried to rub the blurriness out of my eyes, even the light cast far too many shadows.

Try:

My mind simmered in a thick fog when I finally dragged myself out of bed. The light cast too many shadows as I tried to rub sleep off my eyes, every sound around muffled.
*****
All the best - I look particularly forward to more stories from you.
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