Hi there LeonChambers ,
I am ♫~ Kenword~♫ , a fellow author on Writing.com (WdC), and I would like to chat about your story "Prologue" .
I chose "Prologue" to read from the Read A Newbie Forum of WdC. I enjoyed reading your story and appreciated your imaginative creation of Vyronis.
My review is based solely on impressions and feelings your story inspired. While I may suggest some structural alterations, I prefer to lend my feelings and impressions in the hopes that they may help and encourage. Please take what you think is appropriate and disregard the rest.
FIRST IMPRESSION
With a blend of poetry, fictional historical reference and vivid narration, your prologue to a larger work, clearly tells of the conquering of a vital nation by a force so evil that only darkness and despair are left for the survivors of the holocaust.
THEME
The theme of the prologue is to reveal how the nation of Vyronis was conquered by the Dark Corruptor.
The greatest cities of Vyronis are destroyed. It is then that agents are sent out into the smaller communities to work dissention and hatred into the hearts of the remaining citizens, so that the cohesiveness of community and brotherly love is destroyed.
STRUCTURE
Your use of poetic quotes, interspersed with the narrative, adds great drama and a unique perspective to the descriptions of the landscapes and cities of Vyronis.
The words of the leaders who are slain, while battling the armies of the Dark Corruptor, humanizes the opening to your story and allows the reader some insight to the soul of the nation that was destroyed.
PLEASURES
These are some of the images that were particularly pleasing to me:
“First to fall was the great trading city of Maarheth. Lying on the banks of the river Ryse, peoples traveled from far and wide to visit the huge markets and bazaars. But all of a sudden nothing was heard from the city;... ”
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“Then the ancient city of Tiraz, known for its beautiful gardens and glittering palaces, it too had ceased to be.”,
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“The banners of the Haradin flapped eerily in the morning breeze as the pounding of thousands of feet shook the sand beneath them. Dread rippled through the assembled lines as over the crest of the dunes, a sea of black descended upon them. ”
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SUGGESTIONS
There are three edits that I have included in the next section. Other than that, I would only suggest that you may want to introduce into your prologue several characters to show more of the action.
They could be minor in importance, since they will perish in the battle, but they would add some depth to the story and draw the reader more closely to the action.
EDIT/REVISION
Here are my recommended edits:
There was an additional “a” in this phrase that can be deleted, ...turned a blazing a fiery red, the cloudless sky......turned a blazing fiery red, the cloudless sky...
In this sentence there is a misspelling of “defenses”, In a desperate stand of defiance, Emperor Julius Neva; hero of countless battles, rallied his troops and saw to the defences.In a desperate stand of defiance, Emperor Julius Neva; hero of countless battles, rallied his troops and saw to the defenses.
In these several sentences there is a misspelling of “Hell” and the use of the word “it” that is not needed, The dark god Drekagoth spat out of Hel itself or a man evil and twisted, existing only to spread his misery and hate, no one lived to tell. Whatever its nature, it claimed the lands Haradia for its own devices and turned it greedy eyes upon the rest of Vyronis.The dark god Drekagoth spat out of Hell itself or a man evil and twisted, existing only to spread his misery and hate, no one lived to tell. Whatever its nature, it claimed the lands Haradia for its own devices and turned greedy eyes upon the rest of Vyronis.
There were a few other minor grammatical edits that I would suggest in a rewrite of your story. If you would like some assistance with those edits please let me know, I will be glad to go over them in detail under a separate cover.
IN SUMMARY
The images in your story glow with some eerie power. Your prose is engaging and carries the reader into the heart of your dark tale. It was dramatic to hear from Vyronis' former leaders, as you quote their last missives. It gives them a mythical, historical presence, in the aftermath of Vyronis' great destruction. You have poetically and dramatically captured the taste and feel of what it means to be swallowed up by an evil force.
I hope my thoughts and feelings are a help. Let me know if you have any questions about my review.
Kind Regards,
~Kenword~
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