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I try my best to read everything on Writing.com with great care. My reviews always include a first impression, my feelings about theme and structure and where appropriate, some thoughts about possible revisions.*Mugr*
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I give my best reviews on stories, poems and articles that hold my interest and stir up my emotions.~~ *Smile*
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Erotica and Vampire/Werewolf/Zombie.
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Short Stories, Poems, Articles and Essays. ~~
Least Favorite Item Types
lessons and puzzles. ^^*Mugr*
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Will not review anything with a rating over 18; no horror or erotica.^^*Mugr*
Public Reviews
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226
226
Review of Full Circle  
Review by ♫~ Kenword~♫
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
** Image ID #1988770 Unavailable **


*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews*CakeP*


Hello iluvhorses , I am ♫~ Kenword~♫ , participating in a review challenge in the "Red Wedding updating .
 
In addition to participating in the “Game” I chose to read "Full Circle  as a way of wishing you a Happy Account Anniversary. *Balloony**Balloonp* I enjoyed reading your work and I am delighted to share with you some of my thoughts and feelings your poem inspired.

 
My review is based on the images and feelings your words inspired during my various readings. While I may select some areas of your work that I feel could benefit from some rewriting, I prefer to focus on the way your poem made me feel and the images that made a lasting impression on me. Please take what you think is appropriate and disregard the rest.

 
*Coffeer* FIRST IMPRESSION
 
You are correct when you say you “revel in words.” At least that was my experience in reading "Full Circle. You master your words as you create powerfully the circle of life for a simple girl, now left alone. Just as life for her is ascending to that sweet spot, where everything is yum and every second memorable, it vanishes. A snapshot is left. Images of the last few months of pain and dissipation as life ebbs away is all that is left her, and suddenly a passing truck, music from the “70's” and a menial job, have way more significance than they should. How odd to be single again.
 
*Coffeer* THEME
 
One who loves deeply and purely will ultimately find themselves in the circle of life. Your poem's central images support the truth in this mystical union between life, love and death. The ones who are blessed in this life and are devoted to their best friend it seems as though time stands still as they celebrate every moment with the one they love. But on every horizon of this blissful kind of union is the reality that there will be a parting. Ultimately one will be left behind.
 
*Coffeer* STRUCTURE
 
Your voice is clear and pure in your use of free verse. Your words flow easily, creating images that are familiar and pleasant to experience over and over again.
 
Even the scene of pain and loss that could be horrifying is put in perspective as a“plan cut short,” and something “taken”.
 
*Coffeer* PLEASURES
 
These are some of the images that were particularly memorable to me:

They took great trips out West.
Camped all around Lake Michigan,
Marveled at the sunsets over sandy beaches.

 
__ The word “marveled” adds an amazing potency to the scene.And "took" is a word that will show up again in your poem as something painful and surreal. *Smile*_____

The summer spent on surgeries, chemo and radiation.
And in January, cancer took his life.

 
__ “spent” and “took” are words that convey there is now a distance from the death and seems to mellow the indignation of an incredible loss. ___
 
Now every time she sees a truck, she thinks of him.
She works part-time at a grocery store where ‘70’s music plays
Reminding her of teen-aged days,..

 
__ My soul is truly stirred as these words are the sum of it all. Truth is that alone she goes on. “Reminding” becomes the key to pressing on with the day to day of being single again.___
 
*Coffeer* SUGGESTIONS
 
I do not have any suggestions as your poem seems perfect to me.
 
*Coffeer* EDIT/REVISION
 
I was not aware of any need for edit or revision.
 
*Coffeer* IN SUMMARY
 
What the girl was, seemed to be interrupted by a life that brought with it the fullness of love and devotion and friendship. Then suddenly she was back in the life she once had. The difference is of course painful, because now it is filled with the memories only the soul lavished with love and companionship can know and understand. Your poem is beautifully written and your expressions and images are priceless. Thank you. *Delight*
 
Kind Regards,

*Horse**Horse**Horse*~Kenword~
*MugR*
 
 
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227
227
Review of Pinetop Perkins  
Review by ♫~ Kenword~♫
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
** Image ID #1988770 Unavailable **


*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews*CakeP*


Hello Lou-Here By His Grace , I am ♫~ Kenword~♫ , participating in a review challenge in "Red Wedding updating .
 
In addition to participating in the “Game” I chose to read "Pinetop Perkins  as a way of wishing you a Happy Account Anniversary. *Balloony**Balloonp* I enjoyed reading your work and I am delighted to share with you some of my thoughts and feelings your poem inspired.

 
My review is based on the images and feelings your words inspired during my various readings. While I may select some areas of your work that I feel could benefit from some rewriting, I prefer to focus on how your poem made me feel and the images that made a lasting impression on me. Please take what you think is appropriate and disregard the rest.

 
*Coffeer* FIRST IMPRESSION
 
I liked the intertwining images, with quotes from the song "Mr. Bojangles" that might well have related to the traveling performer Pinetop Perkins. As always, when a poet makes a reference to a person or place that grabs my interest, I am off on a journey of discovery. I was not disappointed. The internet has a full complement of Pinetop Perkins performances and his is a type of music I thrive on. Besides enjoying your poem, I was enthralled by your subject's biography and songs. Really a great time.
 

*Coffeer* THEME
 
I felt your poem was a wonderful tribute to a man whose presence as a solo artist and performer wasn't fully realized until he was in his late seventies and early eighties. Your words create a powerful image of a man's span of years, broken down by life's sorrows and pains, but without the roots other artists might rely on to endure the journey.
 
*Coffeer* STRUCTURE
 
The form you used seemed to be a mixture of free verse to include the lines from the song “Mr. Bojangles” and rhymes for the two ending lines of each verse. I enjoyed this form and style, as it gave the poem its own unique song quality.
 
*Coffeer* PLEASURES
 
These are some of the images that were particularly memorable to me:

...as he pulled weary bones onto a stool,
He flexed and limbered wrinkled, worn hands,

 
__ I can see and begin to wonder what it would be like to watch those hands as they work their magic on the piano._____

As he spoke...
doing his own boogie woogie,
Pinetop played on his baby grand,

 
__ There is something in the boogie woogie. Its like hearing the sounds of a carnival coming from one hand, while hearing the thunderous drama of an industrial age from the other. Roll Pinetop roll! ___
 
He sung of the performer's tough life,
in a time-worn voice.
He brought home sadness
to my eager ears,..

 
__ In this verse is the irony within the “blues man's bag”. The boogie woogie is riotous music, mocking anybody that wants to stay inert. It demands movement. Yet the performer has nearly become mechanical because of weariness and the hollowness of a life lived only to entertain others.___
 
*Coffeer* SUGGESTIONS
 
The only suggestion I would make would be to make the lyrics from “Mr. Bojangles” stand alone as a single verse at the beginning of the poem. Then use only a word or two from the song as references in your own verses. I think this would help your own images develop more smoothly and completely.
 
*Coffeer* EDIT/REVISION
 
I was not aware of any need for grammatical edit or revision.
 
*Coffeer* IN SUMMARY
 
I appreciate the tribute you have created for this truly extraordinary man. I always enjoy going beyond the poem to discover new and wondrous adventures in this world. Your images were extremely moving and I will definitely enjoy revisiting your poem from time to time. Thank you.  *Delight*
 
Kind Regards,

*Horse**Horse**Horse*~Kenword~
*MugR*
 
 
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228
228
Review by ♫~ Kenword~♫
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
** Image ID #1988770 Unavailable **


Hello kristoff N. chester , I am ♫~ Kenword~♫ , participating in a review challenge in the "Red Wedding updating .
 
I chose to read "the serpent of the spheres from the Read A Newbie forum on WdC. I enjoyed reading your work and I am delighted to share with you some of my thoughts and feelings your story inspired.

 
My review is based on the images and feelings your words inspired during my various readings. While I may select some areas of your work that I feel could benefit from some rewriting, I prefer to focus on how your story made me feel and the images that made a lasting impression on me. Please take what you think is appropriate and disregard the rest.

 
*Coffeer* FIRST IMPRESSION
 
In this chilling story, Heather and friend are enticed into traveling to “Pureto Rico,” by a sinister teacher who becomes their worst nightmare. The entrance into a strange new world is described with intense prose that presses the images deep into the soul of the reader. Except for a few grammatical issues, the story is well written, with a plot line and character development that is unique and engaging.
 
*Coffeer* THEME
 
There are some alliances between heaven and hell that are best described as: one demented monster contolling ignorant pawns. But why? To gain more power of course. As the nature of all of the elements in your story were revealed, fantastic in every way, I was impressed how the nightmare you created reflected real life evil alliances, like around the workplace or in a dysfunctional family.
 
*Coffeer* STRUCTURE
 
The story was told in the first person from the perspective of the protagonist. The plot was quickly established as the main character proclaims a distrust of the teacher, Mr. Muconle. Each scene was quickly drawn and the reader was led through many different settings, from the airplane, to the sand dunes and through the serpents keep. The scene changes were core to the development of the story and gives the reader an experience of being in someone's horrifying nightmare.
 
*Coffeer* PLEASURES
 
These are some of the images that were particularly memorable to me:

Everyone else was excited, but I felt like it seemed too random. So much so I decided to confront him about it. “Of course it seems random. That is the best way to hide something when you don't want people to know what you are planning.” he explained with a wolfish grin.
 
__ The tone of Mr. Muconle here is frank and I liked that his duplicitous nature, that no one else can see, is revealed to the reader early in the story._____

It was not until the plane was in the air that I realized the most dangerous wolf is the one you can't see. Heather was too excited about going to Puerto Rico to be the least bit nervous I started wondering if somehow she was being influenced by something. I felt stupid thinking that, but the concept was rooted into my brain.

 
__I enjoyed the way you clearly convey your protagonist's thoughts and concerns. Like many human suppositions, the thoughts are thoroughly mixed between “absolutely right on,” with a bit of “foggy reasoning.” ___
 
*Coffeer* SUGGESTIONS
 
Your writing in each of the scenes is wonderful. My only suggestion would be to slow the pace down a bit with more description from the protagonist's senses about some of the more mundane parts of life. The adventure of course is center stage, but adding some more realistic detail at the beginning of the story would contrast well with the wonder and amazement that occurs as we discover the serpent's keep.
 
*Coffeer* EDIT/REVISION
These are a few of the sentences that needed editing:
He was a very odd teacher, only having recently joined the collage's college'staff.
__________________
On the day of the trip I trembled all the way to the air port airport.
__________________
Getting through security is by itself nerve racking wrecking, but it was worst worse for me.
__________________
Every few minutes I found myself looking back checking on heather Heather, and on Mr. Muconle.
__________________
My hear heart pounded in my chest so hard it hurt.
__________________
 
*Coffeer* IN SUMMARY
 
Your story was filled with thrills and chills for the soul. There are some areas in which your story can be improved should you choose to do a rewrite. Your imagination and your skill at writing what your mind sees is obvious and you have captured in your story some primal truths, and yet in a fantastic, horrific way. Write On!
 
Thank you for sharing your gift and talents.
 
Kind Regards,

*Horse**Horse**Horse*~Kenword~ *MugR*
 
 
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229
229
Review by ♫~ Kenword~♫
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)

*LeafG*Review given on behalf of "The Earth Day Challenge*LeafG*



Hello Lula-Lady of the angels
 
I chose to read "A walk in the woods from a forum on Writing.com, as part of the Celebration of Earth Day. I enjoyed reading your work and I am delighted to share with you some of my thoughts and feelings your poem inspired.

 
My review is based on the images and feelings your words inspired during my various readings. While I may select some areas of your work that I feel could benefit from some rewriting, I prefer to focus on how your poem made me feel and the images that made a lasting impression on me. Please take what you think is appropriate and disregard the rest.
 
*Coffeer* FIRST IMPRESSION
 
It is the trees that are hidden away that may be the only ones that matter. As the land is sold and the woods are cut and the earth is left naked, what is left for the young dreamers who walk through the tall grasses and miss the trees that once covered the paths with their majesty and glory. I was drawn into the mystery of the woods. There is a child, now concerned because something treacherous has invaded her woods. She knows quickly what has taken place and runs to her refuge - the one place where trees can continue to be her friends.
 
*Coffeer* THEME
 
The theme of your story is that a place of trust and sanctuary has been violated and the response the one person who cares, has to this loss. The girl, so familiar with her surroundings, is alarmed that something harmful has come and the images you have created open my soul to share the same concerns and fears. I become a part of her experience. I can feel the brutality of this terrible moment in the girl's life.
 
*Coffeer* STRUCTURE
 
The structure of the poem is in free verse with a wonderful flow to the thoughts and words. You have created images that seem to float a bit beyond my consciousness and that then spark a demand on my senses to look closer and beware. The thoughts provoked by your words are quick alarms that are easy to relate too.
 
*Coffeer* PLEASURES
 
These are some of the images that were particularly pleasing to me:

...in the woods full of joy.
 
__________________

Through the tall grass to make her way there.
 
__________________

...steam poring through the funnels.
 
__________________
 
The images are soft and soothing until the encounter with the infernal machine which immediately provokes me to have a wary feeling, with beautiful subtlety.
 
*Coffeer* SUGGESTIONS
 
I have two suggestions. The first would be to rewrite the first line in the past tense so that it matches the tense of the rest of the poem.
 
The second suggestion is just totally my preference and about me and the way I see things so feel free to disagree heartily if it does not ring true with your own style. I generally love specific nouns as opposed to generalizations or pronouns, but in this case I think the last phrase, “in her bedroom” is redundant and detracts from the rhythm you have created. I feel that the last line would flow better as, “To find they never knew about the trees that she had hid there.” Again, this is just my preference based on my feelings and not some absolute have-to-do-it-this-way rule of poetry.
 
*Coffeer* EDIT/REVISION
 
Besides the change of tense in the first line I would also recommend removing all comas. This would make the poem's punctuation consistent. I believe there is a convention in writing poetry that suggests one can write using whatever punctuation one likes as long as it is consistent. I think your poem works wonderfully well with no punctuation at all.  
 
*Coffeer* IN SUMMARY
 
The contrast between a girl's expectation of what her continued friendship with the woods is going to be like and the realization that it was all going to be taken away is wonderfully portrayed in your poem. I enjoyed the images that hinted subtly of what the desecration of something sacred was going to do to a girl's life. The last line is a beautiful twist that sparked in me hope for the girl and her uncertain future without her sanctuary. Write on!
 
Thank you for sharing your gift and talents. If you have any thoughts about my review please let me know.
 
Kind Regards,

~Kenword~
*MugR*
 
 
April 22nd is Earth Day!

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230
230
Review of Oak  
Review by ♫~ Kenword~♫
In affiliation with Earth Day Challengers  
Rated: E | (5.0)
*LeafG*Review given on behalf of "The Earth Day Challenge*LeafG*



Hello John Nation
 
I chose to read "Oak from the Review a Newbie forum on Writing.com, as part of the Celebration of Earth Day. I enjoyed reading your work and I am delighted to share with you some of my thoughts and feelings your story inspired.

 
My review is based on the images and feelings your words inspired during my various readings. While I may select some areas of your work that I feel could benefit from some rewriting, I prefer to focus on how your story made me feel and the images that made a lasting impression on me. Please take what you think is appropriate and disregard the rest.
 
*Coffeer* FIRST IMPRESSION
 
How awesome to share the birth experience of a mighty Oak as she pushes her way out of the seed. From the first images of an oak seed breaking forth into the sunlight, my heart and soul were joined with complete hope and joy for this seedling. Creating a story from the point of view of the Oak tree is inspired and made your story especially engaging.
 
*Coffeer* THEME
 
The theme of your story is that there is a rhythm of life for all living entities. From the Oak seedling’s perspective, life is a challenge that is best faced with the devotion and protection of others. Life is sometimes going to be about storms and those who are seedlings unprotected are constantly at risk of perishing. But with the forest, and age, and strength one can stand the challenges of life and become a refuge for those who are weaker and in need.
 
*Coffeer* STRUCTURE
 
The story of the Oak, is a narrative told from the first person perspective. Through this point of view the reader is able to enjoy camaraderie with a mighty Oak as it develops as a powerful member of its community. I especially love the unique voice you have given the Oak.
 
*Coffeer* PLEASURES
 
These are some of the images that were particularly pleasing to me:

Her death brings me life. Her body shields me from the wind and water. The rage of the storm soon weakens and the clouds race away, surrendering the sky to the sun once again.
 
__________________

A short distance behind me, one of my cousins has been split in half by a sky spark that touched him. I will miss their majestic form, standing tall.
.

 
__________________

The green that has covered my family is changing to red, yellow and a myriad of other shades. The forest has become a blaze of color, in its own way as grand as the green of spring. The time comes when I can stay awake no longer. I, like the rest of my family, stand naked in the cold air.
.

 
__________________
 
The poetic voice of the Oak is fervently expressed in these images. Not only do the words paint beautiful pictures but they also resonate with a symphonic tone.
 
*Coffeer* SUGGESTIONS
 
I think your story is perfect the way it is. I’m not sure anything that I could suggest would improve it.
 
*Coffeer* EDIT/REVISION
 
I was not aware of any need for any edit or revision.
 
 
*Coffeer* IN SUMMARY
 
An Oak becomes my friend as she tells her story, and by way of her story I am introduced to the wonders of life that is sustained all around her. The story is beautiful to experience and at times almost makes wonderful music. I truly felt refreshed reading your story.
 
Thank you for sharing your gift and talents. If you have any thoughts about my review please let me know.
 
Kind Regards,

~Kenword~
*MugR*
 
 
April 22nd is Earth Day!

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231
231
Review of Saving The Earth  
Review by ♫~ Kenword~♫
In affiliation with Earth Day Challengers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*LeafG*Review given on behalf of "The Earth Day Challenge*LeafG*



Hello jaya
 
I chose to read "Saving The Earth from a forum on Writing.com, as part of the Celebration of Earth Day. I enjoyed reading your work and I am delighted to share with you some of my thoughts and feelings your article inspired.

 
My review is based on the images and feelings your words inspired during my various readings. While I may select some areas of your work that I feel could benefit from some rewriting, I prefer to focus on how your story made me feel and the images that made a lasting impression on me. Please take what you think is appropriate and disregard the rest.
 
*Coffeer* FIRST IMPRESSION
 
I could feel the pain inflicted on the earth, as you described, with primal passion, the state of your beloved country’s land and people. Your words provoked my soul to consider with sorrow the devastation you have witnessed and I was moved to pray for restoration for India and her people.
 
*Coffeer* THEME
 
The theme of your article is a testament to the ravages that modern capitalism can plague a people with, through the mismanagement of earth resources that feed nothing but greed. Your reasoning and your examples of earth management violation, rams holes in all of the holy creeds of capitalistic theory and practice. You have crafted an excellent indictment against those who plunder the land for their own profit.
 
*Coffeer* STRUCTURE
 
Your article, which is structured like an essay, turns into a manifesto which calls for action. Its demands ring true and your words indicate your desire to be a leader by example. You both sound the cry for policy changes,and take charge to manage your own land, to see that it is stewarded well.
 
*Coffeer* PLEASURES
 
These are some of the images that were particularly pleasing to me:

At the end of it, the rubble-covered earth looked like a specter.
 
__________________

In one avaricious deal, earth is sold at an exorbitant rate, and then rough handled by filling in every inch of her, with concrete and steel.
 
__________________

Powerful fertilizers and insecticides have also caused irreparable damage to the crops. Gradually, our herbal wealth is being eroded, our health and economy suffer.
 
__________________
 
Your images blast the status quo of current land and resource management policies. I appreciate the thunder contained in your rhetoric.
 
*Coffeer* SUGGESTIONS
 
My only suggestion would be to interject an example or two of specific people, with names and demographics, who were directly affected by the devastation you describe. These examples would humanize the piece even more, and arouse sympathy for all the victims of the eco-terrorism you describe.
 
*Coffeer* EDIT/REVISION
 
The one edit I would suggest is in the third paragraph where the article “the’ is left out of the phrase “…pity is that India,…”. There are a few grammatical issues that I would be glad to help with. Please let me know in an email if you would like additional edits.
 
 
*Coffeer* IN SUMMARY
 
The death toll is currently 41, after a mudslide crushed 49 homes and their residents in the town of Oso, Washington, several weeks ago. The deforestation of the land above the small community was largely to blame for the death and destruction. The lumber on that mountain was considered to have more value than the people, the valley and the fragile eco-system that existed in that mountain region. Your article reminded me of that tragic event in Washington history, and as you point out so well in your essay, people have the duty and obligation to treat the land with respect and care. From this care, the love for all people and their ability to sustain life may have a chance to be honored and cherished. Thank you. – Write On!
 
Thank you for sharing your gift and talents. If you have any thoughts about my review please let me know.
 
Kind Regards,

~Kenword~
*MugR*
 
 
April 22nd is Earth Day!

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232
232
Review of Spring Time  
Review by ♫~ Kenword~♫
In affiliation with Earth Day Challengers  
Rated: E | (3.5)
*LeafG*Review given on behalf of "The Earth Day Challenge*LeafG*



Hello Jenny
 
I chose to read "Spring Time from the “Review a Newbie” Forum of Writing.com as part of a celebration of Earth Day. I enjoyed reading your work and I am delighted to share with you some of my thoughts and feelings your poem inspired.

 
My review is based on the images and feelings your words inspired during my various readings. While I may select some areas of your work that I feel could benefit from some rewriting, I prefer to focus on how your poem made me feel and the images that made a lasting impression on me. Please take what you think is appropriate and disregard the rest.
 
*Coffeer* FIRST IMPRESSION
 
There is a beauty in spring that effects everything. It especially effects the human heart that places hope in what appears as a life giving force in green living things. Your poem is a tribute to the life forces apparent in spring and I am inspired by thoughts of the green plants that produce flowers and the lush grass producing a lavish place to rest and be restored.
 
*Coffeer* THEME
 
The theme of your poem is an admiration for the season, spring, and the feelings this season brings for those of us so fortunate to experience its wonderful pleasures.
 
*Coffeer* STRUCTURE
 
Your poem is open and light using free verse to create pleasant images to meditate on.
 
*Coffeer* PLEASURES
 
These are some of the images that were particularly pleasing to me:

...pretty flowers blooming in the sun.
 
__________________

...bare feet in the moist grass,..
 
__________________

...clean breeze of spring is in the air.

 
__________________
 
*Coffeer* SUGGESTIONS
 
My one suggestion would be to expand some of your images to be more inclusive and specific. As one example, since you are using free verse, I think you have room to consider another word for “pretty,” that would convey more feeling about the flowers. I can see the flowers in the sun, but even a color, such as red, purple or yellow, would inspire more feeling for the flowers beyond just a generic description.
 
*Coffeer* EDIT/REVISION
 
There were several punctuation edits that are needed to make your poem consistent. The first and second lines should have comas in the way you used comas in the second and third lines. Also, in the sixth line you may need a coma between the words “cheer” and “now”.
 
 
*Coffeer* IN SUMMARY
 
The way we relate to the wonders of nature and the earth are expressed well in your poem. Your images and the beauty expressed through your words, with a lilting tone, were a lift to my soul. Thank you. – Write On!
 
Thank you for sharing your gift and talents. If you have any thoughts about my review please let me know.
 
Kind Regards,

~Kenword~
*MugR*
 
 
April 22nd is Earth Day!
 
 
 
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233
233
Review by ♫~ Kenword~♫
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)

Dear Eliacie
 
I chose your essay "Mortal sins of character development #1: to read from the Random Review Forum of WdC.
 
My review is based solely on my opinion and feelings. While I may suggest some structural alterations, I prefer to lend my feelings and impressions in the hopes that they may help and encourage. Please take what you think is appropriate and disregard the rest.

 
*Coffeer* FIRST IMPRESSION
 
The open style and breezy tone of your piece was fun to read. You touch lightly on a few issues that seem to be core to your writing principles. I enjoyed the fact that you shared with heartfelt care, why your beliefs are so strong.
 
*Coffeer* THEME
 
The theme of your essay seems to be the importance of making characters believable. You express well your belief that characters should have some flaws that will balance out their inevitable perfection, because after all, they are created in our image. The way you handled your theme was entertaining as well as thought provoking. Thank you.
 
*Coffeer* STRUCTURE
 
You open your essay with a provoking thought. You follow the opening with a number of scenarios where writers fail to realize fully the desire to make their characters believable. Each of these scenarios has a relatable example for those of us who have written more than a high school level book report. Your closing presents a solid exhortation to your audience to trust their characters to handle the flaws that are dealt them. In your closing you catch me at my most vulnerable place as a writer – creating a character that will be memorable, loveable and great.
 
*Coffeer* THE PLEASURE
 
These are a few of the images that had impact on me as I read:

This in itself isn’t a sin, as a breed we tend hide in musty dark corners, hunkering over our laptops, riddled with self-doubt...

____________________________________________
 
The point is, do not give your character compliments weakly disguised as compliments. It’s half-hearted and weak and you should be categorically punished by being forced to write a two hundred page scene of nothing but...

____________________________________________
 

…our characters are our children. I get it, we don’t want them to suffer imperfection, we want them to be gifted with everything we were not. We want to smother them with beauty, wit, riches and grace and the love and admiration of their peers.

 
____________________________________________
 
*Coffeer* SUGGESTIONS
 
The only thing that I would suggest would be to bring in some examples from your own writing to demonstrate the technique you are discussing. You have written some compelling fiction that does exemplify your article's theme and would add to the impact of your essay.
 
*Coffeer* EDIT/REVISION
 
Other than what I mentioned in the previous section, I was not aware of any edits or revisions that would improve your essay.
 
*Coffeer* IN SUMMARY
 
Writers want characters that are impacting and memorable. Your essay focuses clearly on the issue of creating characters that have a balance of positive and negative attributes that will not only make them believable, but also make the characters easy to relate too.
 
I hope that my thoughts about your essay have been a help. Let me know if you have any questions about my review.
 
Kind Regards,
 
~Kenword~
*MugR*
 
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Review of Kingdomnation  
Review by ♫~ Kenword~♫
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi there a.w
 
I am ♫~ Kenword~♫ , a fellow author on Writing.com (WdC), and I would like to chat about your story "Kingdomnation.

I chose  "Kingdomnation to read from the Read A Newbie Forum of WdC. I enjoyed reading your story and was intrigued by the beginning of a longer piece of fiction.
 
My review is based solely on impressions and feelings your story inspired. While I may suggest some structural alterations, I prefer to lend my feelings and impressions in the hopes that they may help and encourage. Please take what you think is appropriate and disregard the rest.

 
*Coffeer* FIRST IMPRESSION
 
I love the tension you put into play in your story right from the beginning. Princess Teresa is portrayed as having a noble bearing and a distinct way of viewing life and her duties as a princess. Those around Princess Teresa seem to find their place in her realm with some difficulty, but it is obvious that it will be their lot to find a way to be a part of the grander scheme of things.
 
From its vibrant opening at street level, to the majesty of the King's palace, your story flows with a natural gravity and charm.
 
*Coffeer* THEME
 
The theme at this point in your story seems to be that there are three kingdoms. For the sake of protection, one kingdom must merge with another and this requires the wedding of one King's daughter to the son of another.
 
The theme is a strong one to carry your story into many possible subplots.
 
*Coffeer* STRUCTURE
 
The story is told in the third person with an omniscient view point. I get the feeling that I am seeing the action in the story through both the eyes of Vivian and Princess Teresa. It is easy to perceive what Princess Teresa is thinking and feeling and we also get some glimpses into the mind of Vivian as well. I enjoyed reading both of these perspectives.
 
*Coffeer* PLEASURES
 
These are some of the images that were particularly pleasing to me:

The carriage traveled in a smooth continuous motion. There were eight mounted men to guard its precious cargo beside the coachman. The journey had been long but without incident. Now on their last leg they were going to arrive with speed and vigor.

_______________________________________

As the carriage and its renowned occupants moved toward their destination so did the day move from morning to noon. The sun drove the dew away and the fog fled in slow haste. They arrived outside the beautiful city just as the bakers brought out the fresh bread and the blacksmiths were lighting their fires.

________________________________________
 
The erect figure turned and the Princess thought to herself that perhaps she did not indeed want this marriage to end with the war. He had a most excellent figure with a handsome face to match. At his approach she offered her hand.
________________________________________
 
*Coffeer* SUGGESTIONS
 
My only suggestion is that I would have enjoyed a bit more description. The first paragraph sets the tone well for me. From it I build an expectation that I will be experiencing many flavors, views, colors and feelings. In the dialogue there is room as Vivian speaks to describe for your reader her attire, hair color and style, eye color, etc. Is she pretty or plain? This could be done for Princess Teresa as well, as she makes her replies and her feelings known.
 
*Coffeer* EDIT/REVISION
 
I did not see any need for edits or revisions other than what was mentioned in the previous section.
 
*Coffeer* IN SUMMARY
 
I especially enjoyed the play between Princess Teresa and Hector, as she mistakes him for the Prince. All of your story is well written and I felt the power of your writing abilities in that interchange. Keep up the good work! *Smile*
 
I hope my thoughts and feelings are a help. Let me know if you have any questions about my review.
 
Kind Regards,

~Kenword~ *MugR*
 
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Review of WinterFall 1/?  
Review by ♫~ Kenword~♫
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi there hactivistjack
 
I am ♫~ Kenword~♫ , a fellow author on Writing.com (WdC), and I would like to chat about your story"WinterFall 1/?.

I chose  "WinterFall 1/? to read from the Read A Newbie Forum of WdC. I enjoyed reading your story and was delighted by the way you were create a strong opening for a larger piece of fiction.
 
My review is based solely on impressions and feelings your story inspired. While I may suggest some structural alterations, I prefer to lend my feelings and impressions in the hopes that they may help and encourage. Please take what you think is appropriate and disregard the rest.

 
*Coffeer* FIRST IMPRESSION
 
You have set up beautifully a tale of intrigue, action and adventure. It is apparent immediately that Andrew and Lady Presly are star crossed lovers, but not in the usual sense. They are going to be able to fullfill their destiny. But at what price to their two kingdoms?

*Coffeer* THEME
 
The theme at this point in your story seems to be centered on the secret love affair that will soon be brought to the attention of both of their kingdoms. It is a union that perhaps the citizens of the two kingdoms will embrace with joy and hope, but as happens with many fairy tale romances, the cost to the citizenry is going to be a deadly one.
 
*Coffeer* STRUCTURE
 
The story is told in the third person from the narrator's editorial view point.
 
Since this is the opening to a much larger piece of fiction, it is primarily a narration of how the characters appear to be and the possiblity of pain and pleasure in the future.
 
*Coffeer* PLEASURES
 
These are some of the images that were particularly pleasing to me:

Crops had frozen over, fields were too icy to replant and there was a general gloomy atmosphere around the town.

_______________________________________

From birth, he had been given the luxuries of a wealthy upbringing. From the age of 9, his father had taught him how to hunt and survive in the wild.

________________________________________
 
She loved the outdoors, she loved the weekends she and her family spent in the woods telling stories of bears the size of men.
________________________________________
 
*Coffeer*SUGGESTIONS
 
My only suggestion is that you may want to get right into the action at the very beginning of your tale. A quick antedote of some hunting experience for Andrew or a love scene between he and Lady Presley would draw the reader right into the points you are making in your narrative.
 
*Coffeer* EDIT/REVISION
 
I did not see any need for edits and the only revision I would suggest would be to set the story into action from the beginning.
 
*Coffeer* IN SUMMARY
 
It can be tough being in love. It is especialy tough when the ultimate wedding and the subsequent life spent together will diminish the quality of life for those who are subjects to the new King and Queen. I felt that what you have written thus far is a great beginning. Your story will spring to life, as you add some action, dialogue and scenery. Keep up the good work! *Smile*
 
I hope my thoughts and feelings are a help. Let me know if you have any questions about my review.
 
Kind Regards,

~Kenword~ *MugR*
 
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Review of Happy Accidents  
Review by ♫~ Kenword~♫
In affiliation with WDC Addicts Anonymous  
Rated: 13+ | N/A (Review only item.)


Header for The Gift Shop
This review is part of the gift basket from "Invalid Item that you bought with the gift certificate from Princess Zelda .

Hello Nixie is recovering.
 
As a member of the WDC Addicts Anonymous group, I chose to read "Happy Accidents from your portfolio. I enjoyed reading your story and I am delighted to share with you some of my thoughts and feelings your piece inspired.
 
My review is based on the images and feelings your words inspired during my various readings. While I may select some areas of your work that I feel could benefit from some rewriting, I prefer to focus on how your story made me feel and the images that made a lasting impression on me. Please take what you think is appropriate and disregard the rest.

 
*Coffeer* FIRST IMPRESSION
 
Through my initial reading of the marvelous first paragraph, I thought I was about to enter into the typical “lost and found” story. I confess that I love the typical "lost and found" story. I read tons of those and I am never disappointed. Imagine my surprise when Donovon Whitmore becomes more than a searcher for the owner of a lost wallet. We enter into a different dimension as the story progresses and the wallet Donovan finds seems to be a portal by-pass that propells us through his moment-by-moment, all consuming obsession, back to a reality where Valarie, the new woman of his dreams, is destined to be his new love.
 
*Coffeer* THEME
 
Donovan's wife and lover has died, but through love, she has found a new living companion for her husband.
 
The theme of your story takes the reader into the realm of the impossible. But we are taken in such a way, that this seemly “impossible realm”, begins to explain the supernatural phenomena that happens in real life from time to time. I have witnessed what appears to be a "coincidental-on-purpose" finding of new love that can happen for some widows and widowers. Your theme actually touches me deeply in that not long after my mom passed away, my father met Joanne. They fell instantly in love and were married within several months of meeting. In every way Joanne was as perfect for my father as my mom had been. Your story is almost metaphorically explaining what happened for my father and Joanne.
 
*Coffeer* STRUCTURE
 
The story is told from a first person, present tense perspective. The narration and inner voice of the main character Donovan Whitmore develop the compelling visuals and plot for the reader to have impact with. While this is not my favorite form for a story, I see clearly how you make it work to keep all thoughts and actions immediately in front of the reader enhancing your writing's power.
 
*Coffeer* PLEASURES
 
These are some of the images that were particularly pleasing to me:

The leather is butter-soft and fawn-brown, faded, cherished. Opening it feels like a crime. I run my fingers across the name.
__________________

Her name is a song in my head. The checkbook carries a whiff of jasmine and leather so tender, I think of Valarie's skin. She's my age. Fifty-ish. Nah. Mid-forties. Tall, five-foot-eight. Slender, wispy, whimsical.

__________________

I sleep in the east wing, bedroom window overlooking the gazebo by the lake, where a woman lounges. Valarie? I lift the window sash, smell jasmine. Call out "Valarie." But no one's there. I rush to fall asleep and dream, to see her.

__________________
 
*Coffeer* SUGGESTIONS
 
I felt that there were two places that need some clarification when you rewrite your story.

When Donovan goes to the guard at the garage, he sees a piece of paper taped on the wall. In the scene with the guard, it becomes apparent that Donovan takes the paper, which apparently is a flyer and waves it in his face. It took several readings to deduce the facts. The way it is written holds with the tone and style of the piece, keeping the mystery alive, but I don't think the two paragraphs link as clearly as you may have hoped. You may want to clarify that the paper is a “flyer” before Donovan meets the guard and that Donovan has taken it to show the guard.

The second place that was unclear was when Donovan meets Valerie. The line I thought she'd be asking me. “You know my name.” It feels like the phrase “I thought she would be asking me.” is a hold over from a previous draft and no longer fits with the way the story is going. Since the story is moving into a stream of dialogue between Donovan and Valarie, the phrase seems out of place and no longer necessary.

 

*Coffeer* EDIT/REVISION
 
Other than the two afore mentioned minor issues, I was not aware of any need for edits or revisions.
 
*Coffeer* IN SUMMARY
 
I loved the concept behind “The Group of Transcendent Awareness”. You created its existence in a way that touches that part of the human heart that wants to believe in a love that is eternal and cannot be destroyed by separations or even death. The characters of Donovan and Valarie are beautifully created and I enjoyed spending time with them as they miraculously, on-purpose, find each other. – Write On!
 
Kind Regards,

~Kenword~ *MugR*
 
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Review of Digging  
Review by ♫~ Kenword~♫
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi there Soo Donim
 
I am ♫~ Kenword~♫ , a fellow author on Writing.com (WdC), and I would like to chat about your story "Digging.

I chose  "Digging to read from the Read A Newbie Forum of WdC. I enjoyed reading your story and appreciate the completeness of the mystery you manage to create in just 137 words.
 
My review is based solely on impressions and feelings your story inspired. While I may suggest some structural alterations, I prefer to lend my feelings and impressions in the hopes that they may help and encourage. Please take what you think is appropriate and disregard the rest.

 
*Coffeer* FIRST IMPRESSION
 
The mystery you have fashioned is amusing because of the last sentence. And it is not until the last sentence that the suspense your words and images have built is released. At one point I even realized I was holding my breath. I am still surprised by the relief I felt after discovering what the mystery was about.
 
*Coffeer* THEME
 
Something has to find a new home in the earth. When the digging in the soil stops, the mystery begins. Why is there furtive glances about? And why did the characters decide to do their deed in the deepest part of a moonlit night? Maybe those aren't the right questions, but it was fun discovering the true nature of their secret mission.
 
*Coffeer* STRUCTURE
 
The use of the first person narrative in present tense brings me immediately into the action. The narrator's focus on his/her actions and feelings while giving the reader descriptions of Allen's appearance, work to narrow the reader's vision so that we are completely unaware of what is actually going on.
 
The dialogue between the two characters, and the “self talk” of the narrator, works some magic to keep me engaged and in suspense, while revealing just a smidgen of what is actually happening.
 
*Coffeer* PLEASURES
 
These are some of the images that were particularly pleasing to me:

“"Do you think anyone noticed?" His eyes dart from side to side. He’s sweating, but whether it’s out of exertion or nervousness, I can’t tell. ”

__________________

“The moon, bright and white, hangs lazily in the sky above us, a few wispy clouds blocking its brilliance. ”,

__________________
 
“"Do you have them?" he asks, breathing heavily and glancing around. I nod my response. ”

__________________
 
*Coffeer*SUGGESTIONS
 
The only suggestion I could make is to please give us more! I loved the tone, the point of view and the clever observations of the narrator that make me feel I am witnessing a crime. The story has a comfortable rhythm and style that I particularly enjoy, and I appreciate your ability to create a compact scenario that draws on my emotions.
 
*Coffeer* EDIT/REVISION
 
I was not aware of any part of your story that needed editing or revising.
 
*Coffeer* IN SUMMARY
 
The scene you have created has some real emotion inside. I liked how your characters drew me immediately into their escapade. I am pleased to say I was held in suspense and completely surprised by the ending. Why all the “mystery” is not completely resolved, but with some expansion of the story that might be made more clear. None-the-less, the piece was well written and fun to read.
 
I hope my thoughts and feelings are a help. Let me know if you have any questions about my review.
 
Kind Regards,

~Kenword~ *MugR*
 
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#1300305 by Maryann

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Review of Prologue  
Review by ♫~ Kenword~♫
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi there LeonChambers
 
I am ♫~ Kenword~♫ , a fellow author on Writing.com (WdC), and I would like to chat about your story "Prologue.

I chose  "Prologue to read from the Read A Newbie Forum of WdC. I enjoyed reading your story and appreciated your imaginative creation of Vyronis.
 
My review is based solely on impressions and feelings your story inspired. While I may suggest some structural alterations, I prefer to lend my feelings and impressions in the hopes that they may help and encourage. Please take what you think is appropriate and disregard the rest.

 
*Coffeer* FIRST IMPRESSION
 
With a blend of poetry, fictional historical reference and vivid narration, your prologue to a larger work, clearly tells of the conquering of a vital nation by a force so evil that only darkness and despair are left for the survivors of the holocaust.
 
*Coffeer* THEME
 
The theme of the prologue is to reveal how the nation of Vyronis was conquered by the Dark Corruptor.
 
The greatest cities of Vyronis are destroyed. It is then that agents are sent out into the smaller communities to work dissention and hatred into the hearts of the remaining citizens, so that the cohesiveness of community and brotherly love is destroyed.
 
*Coffeer* STRUCTURE
 
Your use of poetic quotes, interspersed with the narrative, adds great drama and a unique perspective to the descriptions of the landscapes and cities of Vyronis.
 
The words of the leaders who are slain, while battling the armies of the Dark Corruptor, humanizes the opening to your story and allows the reader some insight to the soul of the nation that was destroyed.
 
*Coffeer* PLEASURES
 
These are some of the images that were particularly pleasing to me:

“First to fall was the great trading city of Maarheth. Lying on the banks of the river Ryse, peoples traveled from far and wide to visit the huge markets and bazaars. But all of a sudden nothing was heard from the city;... ”

__________________

“Then the ancient city of Tiraz, known for its beautiful gardens and glittering palaces, it too had ceased to be.”,

__________________
 
“The banners of the Haradin flapped eerily in the morning breeze as the pounding of thousands of feet shook the sand beneath them. Dread rippled through the assembled lines as over the crest of the dunes, a sea of black descended upon them. ”

__________________
 
*Coffeer* SUGGESTIONS
 
There are three edits that I have included in the next section. Other than that, I would only suggest that you may want to introduce into your prologue several characters to show more of the action.
 
They could be minor in importance, since they will perish in the battle, but they would add some depth to the story and draw the reader more closely to the action.
 
*Coffeer* EDIT/REVISION
 
Here are my recommended edits:
 
There was an additional “a” in this phrase that can be deleted, ...turned a blazing a fiery red, the cloudless sky......turned a blazing fiery red, the cloudless sky...
 
In this sentence there is a misspelling of “defenses”, In a desperate stand of defiance, Emperor Julius Neva; hero of countless battles, rallied his troops and saw to the defences.In a desperate stand of defiance, Emperor Julius Neva; hero of countless battles, rallied his troops and saw to the defenses.
 
In these several sentences there is a misspelling of “Hell” and the use of the word “it” that is not needed, The dark god Drekagoth spat out of Hel itself or a man evil and twisted, existing only to spread his misery and hate, no one lived to tell. Whatever its nature, it claimed the lands Haradia for its own devices and turned it greedy eyes upon the rest of Vyronis.The dark god Drekagoth spat out of Hell itself or a man evil and twisted, existing only to spread his misery and hate, no one lived to tell. Whatever its nature, it claimed the lands Haradia for its own devices and turned greedy eyes upon the rest of Vyronis.
 
There were a few other minor grammatical edits that I would suggest in a rewrite of your story. If you would like some assistance with those edits please let me know, I will be glad to go over them in detail under a separate cover.
 
*Coffeer* IN SUMMARY
 
The images in your story glow with some eerie power. Your prose is engaging and carries the reader into the heart of your dark tale. It was dramatic to hear from Vyronis' former leaders, as you quote their last missives. It gives them a mythical, historical presence, in the aftermath of Vyronis' great destruction. You have poetically and dramatically captured the taste and feel of what it means to be swallowed up by an evil force.
 
I hope my thoughts and feelings are a help. Let me know if you have any questions about my review.
 
Kind Regards,

~Kenword~ *MugR*
 
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#1300305 by Maryann

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239
239
Review by ♫~ Kenword~♫
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi there fanbelt
 
I am ♫~ Kenword~♫ , a fellow author on Writing.com (WdC), and I would like to chat about your poem "Journey to true Love.

I chose  "Journey to true Love to read from the Read A Newbie Forum of WdC. I enjoyed reading your poem and was moved by its vivid images and honest exploration of the workings of the soul.
 
My review is based solely on impressions and feelings your poem inspired. While I may suggest some structural alterations, I prefer to lend my feelings and impressions in the hopes that they may help and encourage. Please take what you think is appropriate and disregard the rest.

 
*Coffeer* FIRST IMPRESSION
 
There is a mystical vibration at work in the heart and souls of two people who are destined to love each other. There is a deity perhaps who watches over the sweet beginnings of this dance. Your poem captures the wonder of those drawn together mysteriously by forces unseen. The images are uniquely profound and are a welcome addition to my gallery of collected truths about love.
 
*Coffeer* THEME
 
Two individuals are on a journey to find true love. There is within them a desire and a blue print that must be followed, but at the same time there is a force beyond them that draws them together for mutual strength and healing.
 
*Coffeer* STRUCTURE
 
The structure of the poem is done in free verse. Your poem finds some wonderfully smooth rhythms as it builds image upon image, towards a dynamic conclusion.
 
I found the varying line lengths and variable size of the verses pleasant and easy to immerse myself in.
 
*Coffeer* PLEASURES
 
These are some of the images that were particularly pleasing to me:

“A life dying heart lost wounds... ”

__________________

“But her heart remains closed in stony protection from the past ”,

__________________
 
“Heart weary and hope lost he walks the dulcet pace of life
All is a habit a quiet routine to fulfil life’s course ”


__________________
 
*Coffeer* SUGGESTIONS
 
There are two edits that I have included in the next section. Other than that, I would only suggest that you may want to use more punctuation. Because the poem has a free flow, with many complete thoughts and transitions in a single line, it would help the reader, I believe, to show where the pauses and breaks in thought actually occur. I've not made any specific edit recommendations in this review, but would be glad to assist with those under a separate cover.
 

*Coffeer* EDIT/REVISION
 
Here are my two recommended edits:
 
I believe you mean to use the word sea in this sentence: On sandy shore she stands staring out to see....
 
I believe the word than should replace the word then in this sentence: The tendrils of trust deeper then water echo in her mind...
 
*Coffeer* IN SUMMARY
 
The images in your poem were vital and the pace and drama in your poem absolutely wonderful. I appreciate what you have created and enjoyed the many moments spent meditating on your thoughts. It was a most pleasant and inspirational read.
 
I hope my thoughts and feelings are a help. Let me know if you have any questions about my review.
 
Kind Regards,

~Kenword~ *MugR*
 
 
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Review of I have control?  
Review by ♫~ Kenword~♫
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi there mikemahoney
 
I am ♫~ Kenword~♫ , a fellow author on Writing.com (WdC), and I would like to chat about your article"I have control?.

I chose  "I have control? to read from the Read A Newbie Forum of WdC. I enjoyed reading your article and was delighted by the way you were able to capture the feel of your one-time flying experience.
 
My review is based solely on impressions and feelings your article inspired. While I may suggest some structural alterations, I prefer to lend my feelings and impressions in the hopes that they may help and encourage. Please take what you think is appropriate and disregard the rest.

 
*Coffeer* FIRST IMPRESSION
 
I loved the way you took the reader from the ground into the air for your first and last experience as a pilot. Your descriptions of excitement and sickness in a small plane were vivid and entertaining.
 
*Coffeer* THEME
 
Control? Throughout your piece, the illusion of “control”, as your title suggests, is explored with some wickedly funny images and wonderful satire. I especially enjoyed the moment when the Welsh friend nonchalantly introduces the issue the airplane engine that “packs up.” I could imagine the sudden panic when there is no sound in the cockpit, except the whistling wind across popsicle stick sized wings.
 
*Coffeer* STRUCTURE
 
The story is told from the first person perspective in a narrative format that works as an essay or article. The sentences are written in clear concise language that focuses on the theme of obtaining and giving away, “control”.
 
The setting is a combination of an airfield and an airplane cockpit. The events of the story have happened in the past though there are moments that the action seems to be happening now. I will discuss this as a possible issue to be revised, later in my review.
 
*Coffeer* PLEASURES
 
These are some of the images that were particularly pleasing to me:

“Our little plane is dwarfed by the runway. It's like driving a go-cart down the expressway. The engine whines louder and louder. The more we pick up speed the more the plane bounces and sways. When it feels like this contraption can't take anymore we are reluctantly lifted into the air. ”,

Exactly how I thought a Cesna flight would start off! ________

“. I finally start to relax when my Welsh friend asks a question. "What do you do if the engine packs up?" Before I could ask what "packs up" means, he turns off the engine. I have control of this tin box, the engine has stopped running and I don't know how to turn it back on. ”,

I enjoyed the irony in this paragraph. Just when I think I have control. Woah!________
 
“The wind is gusting and pushing us everywhere. I assume this is normal. I also assume that the sick feeling I am having is normal. We are almost sideways when we touch down. ”

Well now, that was quite an adventure. Again, I had to appreciate that this was your adventure. It confirmed all of my reasons to never fly in a small aircraft.______________
 
*Coffeer*SUGGESTIONS
 
In the seventh paragraph, you begin to write your essay in the past tense. We dropped, were lifted, pushed from side to side and at times combinations of all that I just mentioned. It never stopped. I would look back at my son from time to time. His face was turning from white to green. I wasn't faring well myself.
 
This was just a small deviation in your narrative, but I think it was a significant one. I find that I enjoyed the switch in perspective and I believe the entire essay would have more impact if it was written entirely in the past tense. I had to judge carefully because I am not a big fan of present tense narratives. So I wanted to make sure my prejudices were not getting in the way. The theme of control is strong, but I think it would be stronger if told from the the perspective that this was your own experience that happened some time in the past, and now you are recalling it with a lot of imagination and clarity to illustrate your views on "control".
 
*Coffeer* EDIT/REVISION
 
Other than the revision mentioned earlier, I was not aware of any need for edits.
 
*Coffeer* IN SUMMARY
 
The next time I think that I have complete control in my life, I will take myself out to the airport on a blustery day and watch the small air craft take off. You have convinced me I won't actually have to fly one to experience the thrill of losing control. I would rather watch others be at the mercy of wind vectors and downdrafts, thank you very much. I found the images in your article to be vivid and entertaining and your writing to be clear and well focused. Keep up the good work! *Smile*
 
I hope my thoughts and feelings are a help. Let me know if you have any questions about my review.
 
Kind Regards,

~Kenword~ *MugR*
 
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Review of Young Blood  
Review by ♫~ Kenword~♫
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hi there grandpaslippers
 
I am ♫~ Kenword~♫ , a fellow author on Writing.com (WdC), and I would like to chat about your story"Young Blood.

I chose  "Young Blood to read from the Read A Newbie Forum of WdC. I enjoyed reading your story and became a part of the action and adventure quickly.
 
My review is based solely on impressions and feelings your story inspired. While I may suggest some structural alterations, I prefer to lend my feelings and impressions in the hopes that they may help and encourage. Please take what you think is appropriate and disregard the rest.

 
*Coffeer* FIRST IMPRESSION
 
I love a good action and adventure story. I especially appreciate a well written action piece. You have definitely nailed it! For a first or second draft it is spot on and I think with some rewriting your story will become an excellent piece of fiction.
 
*Coffeer* THEME
 
We are going on a mission to get some important papers with our hero Joe. I can't help but be drawn into these stories with a simple theme. It's like candy to my soul. I'm a big fan of Clive Cussler and you have captured some of his essence right from the beginning of this chapter.
 
*Coffeer* STRUCTURE
 
There is a pretty good balance throughout your story of setting, narrative, dialogue and character development. The inner dialogue/thoughts of the main character, Joe, counters the weight of the dangerous situations throughout the story and serve to give me a strong emotional alignment with him.
 
*Coffeer* PLEASURES
 
These are some of the images that were particularly pleasing to me:

“.“What do you think, Arrow?” I asked. I needed to make sure she knew she was being rescued... pathetic job I was doing of it or not. ”,

Right here I am engaging with Joe in the rescue. The tone of the hero is being set.________

“As fast as my aching body and dizzy mind would allow, I slammed my elbow into his jaw and flipped over his head. An instant later, he's sprawled face down on the floor, my dagger sunk deep into his shoulder.”,

Good action writing here!________
 
“Not really many options, so she pulled a classic and threw her weight to the ground, slamming herself flat. The guards, caught unaware, were yanked together and clunked heads in the center. (Classic, right? Told you so.) ”

Well now, that was a classic move! I'm not sure about the editorial aside for classic actin fiction writing but I liked it and gave it a good hearty laugh.______________
 
*Coffeer*SUGGESTIONS
 
The only thing that I would suggest is that I think that there is plenty of room for adding more setting around your characters. You pace your story at a rapid clip and that is great, but it wouldn't hurt to slow it down a bit to add color, (or drab), texture, smells, etc. to the scene.
 
*Coffeer* EDIT/REVISION
 
There were a few grammatical edits I would recommend. I prefer to do edits under a seperate cover. If you would like those edits, just let me know.
 
*Coffeer* IN SUMMARY
 
Mixed into this quick paced story is real humor and upbeat inner chatter. The action scenes are quick and vivid and don't give me an opportunity to wonder if it is realistic or not. Like I said, it's like candy and I love it. Keep up the good work! *Smile*
 
I hope my thoughts and feelings are a help. Let me know if you have any questions about my review.
 
Kind Regards,

~Kenword~ *MugR*
 
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#1300305 by Maryann

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Review of Party  
Review by ♫~ Kenword~♫
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)

Hi there Crystal
 
I am ♫~ Kenword~♫ , a fellow author on Writing.com (WdC), and I would like to chat about your story"Party.

I chose  "Party to read from the Read A Newbie Forum of WdC. I enjoyed reading your story and was amused by the party tale.
 
My review is based solely on impressions and feelings your story inspired. While I may suggest some structural alterations, I prefer to lend my feelings and impressions in the hopes that they may help and encourage. Please take what you think is appropriate and disregard the rest.

 
*Coffeer* FIRST IMPRESSION
 
“Keep the house clean and don't even think...party.” And then the fun begins. I appreciated the opening to your story and the scenario you develop. While probably not all that uncommon, the spirit of John's desire to party was entertaining to witness first hand through His eyes.
 
*Coffeer* THEME
 
There is going to be a party. As John suggests, his parents don't even know what they have staged by leaving him home alone. The party rages. Things get destroyed. John's in big trouble.
 
I think the theme is familiar, but your point of view certainly does bring a unique perspective to this tried and true theme.
 
*Coffeer* STRUCTURE
 
You tell John's story with a minimal amount of character development and words. I think it is a good beginning to a story that could easily expand into something larger, more complex and doubly entertaining.
 
 
*Coffeer* PLEASURES
 
These are some of the images that were particularly pleasing to me:

“...when he discovered a note on the refrigerator from his parents saying:”,

I don't know why, but this line cracked me up. Its like I am being let in on a big joke.________

“It has to be a trick,” he laughed, “why would they leave the house to myself, knowing what I'm capable of?”,

The joke continues and while it doesn't seem plausible that parents would be that ignorant, I have witnessed the downfall of parents with their children all the time.________
 
“I wonder if John knows that your boss let you come home earlier,” John's mother said.”

Well now, I don't know how John would know this, but as your reader, and what I've learned of John, even if he had a clue, I would be he would choose to remain in the dark.______________
 
*Coffeer*SUGGESTIONS
 
There are a number of ways to expand your story. I think in a rewrite you could give more description of John and his surroundings. The setting is vivid and clear enough. I think there is a lot of ways to have John interact with specific guests to give as a deeper appreciation for who John really is and what his motivations are for disobeying his parents.
 
Your story is funny and entertaining, so any way you can expand it would make it a longer lasting pleasure for your readers.
 
*Coffeer* EDIT/REVISION
 
There were a few grammatical edits I would recommend. I prefer to do edits under a seperate cover. If you would like those edits, just let me know.
 
*Coffeer* IN SUMMARY
 
I enjoyed the humor and vitality of your piece and look forward to the ways in which you may expand it on a rewrite. Keep up the good work! *Smile*
 
I hope my thoughts and feelings are a help. Let me know if you have any questions about my review.
 
Kind Regards,

~Kenword~ *MugR*
 
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#1300305 by Maryann

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Review by ♫~ Kenword~♫
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi there one.pill.makes.you.smaller.
 
I am ♫~ Kenword~♫ , a fellow author on Writing.com (WdC), and I would like to chat about your prose piece "Valley Of The Dolls.

I chose  "Valley Of The Dolls to read from the Read A Newbie Forum of WdC. I enjoyed reading your piece and was moved by the vivid images you created.
 
My review is based solely on impressions and feelings your poem inspired. While I may suggest some structural alterations, I prefer to lend my feelings and impressions in the hopes that they may help and encourage. Please take what you think is appropriate and disregard the rest.

 
*Coffeer* FIRST IMPRESSION
 
You have found a way to contrast the “beautifully sublime” and pretty with the ordinary. The “Dolls” are portrayed sterotypically at first, but as you bring them “untainted” into the light of objective observation, they take on a more sinister presence, not often considered.
 
*Coffeer* THEME
 
There are the pretty among us. They are untouched by what is vile and filty in this life. The sinsister side of them, as your images seem to convey, is even more evil and treacherous than the dark side of humanity they have avoided. Your prose draws me to the conclusion that their sin is that they use the ordinary people around them as accessories. The “Dolls” accessorize their lives by wearing the beastly, like a three year old would wear Mommie's costume jewelry.
 
*Coffeer* STRUCTURE
 
The structure of your piece seems to be random. There are bits and pieces of images and thought thrown about, helter-skelter. The structure worked for me, considering it is more of a “stream of consciousness” piece, than a overly confined poem or essay.
 
For me the design, or lack of design works, but there is some emotional strength that could be developed through a rethinking of the current design. I think with some careful plotting of a new design, a rewrite could help broaden your piece's appeal. I'll chat about this suggested design change later on in this review.
 
*Coffeer* PLEASURES
 
These are some of the images that were particularly pleasing to me:

“Restless and wanting, I inhale to push back the weight of my own contrition.”,

__________________

“Oh, to be one of those peachy dolls, with the canvas so clean and so bright!”,

__________________
 
“If this is The Ultimate, the perfection we seek, we have already deformed ourselves, desecrated that which kept us holy.”

__________________
 
*Coffeer*SUGGESTIONS
 
There are several things I would recommend in a rewrite that may increase the emotional power of your piece and broaden its audience appeal.
 
While your prose is stream of consciousness, I would still consider eliminating comma splices and use conjuntions like “and” and “but”. It would actually do more to tie your thoughts together with power and keep your reader engaged with the images you have created.
 
I would also suggest using a lot more white space. Some traditional paragraphing would not detract from your prose and would invite the reader to dive into the piece and take all of your musings to heart.
 
*Coffeer* EDIT/REVISION
 
There were a few grammatical edits I would recommend. I would prefer to do edits under a seperate cover. If you would like those edits, just let me know.
 
*Coffeer* IN SUMMARY
 
I enjoyed the images of your piece and came away from the read appreciating your ability to convey a complex, dark theme, with unique and emotional language.
 
I hope my thoughts and feelings are a help. Let me know if you have any questions about my review.
 
Kind Regards,

~Kenword~ *MugR*
 
 
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#1300305 by Maryann

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Review of Chapter 1  
Review by ♫~ Kenword~♫
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi there Amanda Rose
 
I am ♫~ Kenword~♫ , a fellow author on Writing.com (WdC), and I would like to chat about your story "Chapter 1.

I chose  "Chapter 1 to read from the Read A Newbie Forum of WdC. I enjoyed reading your story and was touched by characters you created.
 
My review is based solely on impressions and feelings your story inspired. While I may suggest some structural alterations, I prefer to lend my feelings and impressions in the hopes that they may help and encourage. Please take what you think is appropriate and disregard the rest.

 
*Coffeer* FIRST IMPRESSION
 
I liked Alaia immediately. She narrates the story and describes clearly and fully her place in “Association.” Your descriptions of her interactions with her teacher and peers is well done and thought provoking.
 
*Coffeer* THEME
 
The theme of this chapter sets the tone for a longer story. From the first reading, I am drawn into the life and death struggle with an imperial government that can decide arbitrarily, when a person’s life will end. As humans, we are acutely aware that life can end at any moment. Alaia is faced with her mortality and the end of life, because the “Association” will make it so. She prepares for the end with her sister Leila, but at the same time seeks to maintain life’s mundane activities to the end.
 
*Coffeer* STRUCTURE
 
The story is told in the first person, past tense, in a detailed narrative form. I enjoyed reading the story from this perspective, as it serves to give me more empathy and relationship with Alaia.
 
There was one incidental deviation in tense when Alaia is speaking to Leila. The sentence “I’m going too,” I say weakly.”,would more correctly be written, “I’m going too,” I said weakly.
 
This was the only structural correction I noticed.
 
*Coffeer* PLEASURES
 
These are some of the images that were particularly pleasing to me:

The Association had come to my neighbor’s house and took a young newlywed couple away. I couldn’t sleep that night because all I could think about was their fearful faces as the Association took them away from the safety of their homes.

These two sentences do a lot to set the tone for the story._______

I held her too, thinking of how lovely Leila was and how it was such a waste of beauty to execute her for no reason. Her long, strawberry blonde heair was always soft and elegant...

This was a beautiful description of the Leila while emphasizing the terror generated by "Association".___________
 

__________________
 
*Coffeer*SUGGESTIONS
 
I have several suggestions that may help in the rewrite of the story.
 
First of all you should raise the “Rated E” on your story to “Rated +18”. Most people who read in the “Rated E” classification would be offended by even one four letter word. On the other hand I don’t think your story would diminish in impact by eliminating the four letter word.
 
Also, in the paragraph, after Aliaia receives her punishment, the sentence, After she finished, my teacher asked, “Did you learn your lesson?” Her voice sounded lighter, but to me it still sounded cold and heartless. This was just momentarily confusing to me. I know what you are trying to convey. But the way Aliaia hears is the most important part of the story. She would have to surmise what the teacher was trying to convey outwardly to make the “sound lighter” part of the narrative actually be clear.
 
*Coffeer* EDIT/REVISION
 
Other than what I noted above, I was not aware of any other need for edit or revision.
 
*Coffeer* IN SUMMARY
 
I enjoyed the vivid images and the theme of your story. I think it is a good start to a novel and I am looking forward to see how Aliaia and Leila take on “Association”.
 
I hope my thoughts and feelings are a help. Let me know if you have any questions about my review.
 
Kind Regards,

~Kenword~ *MugR*
 
 
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Review by ♫~ Kenword~♫
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
"...I can sense a void of the heart, meeting the demands of a rational mind. In this moment of wondering, I am engaged in the conflict..."

Hi there  *Smile*
 
I am ♫~ Kenword~♫ , a fellow author on Writing.com (WdC}, with some thoughts about your poem "This world of my dreams that I would like to chat about.

I chose  "This world of my dreams to read from the Read A Newbie Forum of WdC. I enjoyed reading your poem and was drawn into the images that contrasted a present state of mind, where rational judgments lean into the shadowy area of passion and the place where the mind would rather remember the past, in dreams.
 
My review of your work is based solely on my opinion and feelings. While I may select some areas of your work that I feel could benefit from some rewriting, I prefer to focus on how the poem made me feel and what images made the most impression. I hope that my opinions will be a help and encourage your creative process. Please take what you think is appropriate and disregard the rest.

 
*Coffeer*  FIRST IMPRESSION
 
The contrast between what is seen, or was seen, and the world that now lives in a dream is powerful. The images of the world that was, conflicting with the world that now exists, because of a dream, is haunting. I take myself away from the words you have written for a moment and I can sense a void of the heart, meeting the demands of a rational mind. In this moment of wondering, I am engaged in the conflict and at the same time desire an uncomplicated resolution.
 
*Coffeer*  THEME
 
My engagement with your poem is intensified in the moment you write:

“My remembrance of our world,
Is fading
like your face
that I adore in every dream.”


This seems to be the theme that resonates with my soul. I will be forever perplexed by the flow of life that can bestow the gifts of friends, family and loved ones upon me, only to have the dearest of relationships fade away. The reasons for the fading are never acceptable. The whispers in the hallways and corridors where the seniors of our society wander, reveal the shadow lands where even the best of loves and friendships are resigned to reside for the rest of eternity.
 
*Coffeer*  STRUCTURE
 
The design of the poem works well to keep the elements of thought seperated from the images of action. Your strong action words like “thrown”, “breaks”, “cast”, and “transported”, are set apart from the moments of reflection, and this technique gives the poem its unique rhythm and pace.
 
The structure of your poem provides a way for me to relate well with the theme and invites me to spend extra moments pondering each word and the feelings they provoke.
 
*Coffeer*  PLEASURES
 
These are some of the images that were particularly pleasing to me:

“I question my judgement
at times
but I can't deny I feel passionate in this shade;...”,

__________________
 
“I feel thrown into the world”,
__________________
 
“when my eyes yield
the images are cast... ”,

__________________
 
*Coffeer*  SUGGESTIONS
 
There were two places I felt your poem could be strengthened. I believe that being more specific in your choice of words in the line “At times” would bring more impact to the next line “but I can't deny I feel...”. You could possibly explore the area of, why you are questioning your judgement. Are you a rational person at this point or have you lost some sense of reality? You express your passion, but is there some other thoughts that are working against your clear ability to judge? Some thought exploration along these lines may give you ways to color the scene and make the following and contrasting images even more powerful.
 
In the verse, “My remembrance of our world...”, you might consider deleting the word “that” in the last line of the verse. I feel this would make the words flow without any resistance from a hard “th..t” sound.
 
*Coffeer*  EDIT/REVISION
 
I did not see any grammatical problems with the poem and would only recommend a rewrite to improve the power in the second verse and smooth out the last line in the “My remembrance of our world...” verse.
 
*Coffeer*  IN SUMMARY
 
I felt that your poem is very near to being fully formed and and complete in its expression. Your thoughts about being tossed about by your beliefs and feeling like a wave that would break if it could, are incredible images and I easily relate to the feelings this scene opens up. The images, being a prelude to the fading memories of what may have once been an ideal world, makes for a vibrant contrast. I appreciate the mood swing between what is memory and what is present.
 
I hope you will have an opportunity to rewrite your poem and I hope my thoughts and feelings are a help. Let me know if you have any questions about my review.
 
Kind Regards,

~Kenword~ *MugR*
 
 
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Review of Sunbath  
Review by ♫~ Kenword~♫
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Dear dmegel54
 
I chose your poem "Sunbath to read from the Random Review Forum of WdC. I found myself easily drawn into your story and I appreciate the scene you created.
 
My review of your work is based solely on my opinion and feelings. While I may suggest some structural alterations, I prefer to lend my feelings and impressions in the hopes that they may help and encourage. Please take what you think is appropriate and disregard the rest.

 
*Coffeer* FIRST IMPRESSION
 
I was charmed by the opening of this scene, which seems part of a larger story, and I enjoyed listening in on the conversation between photographer and ex-super model.
 
*Coffeer* THEME
 
Today there may be fairies to see. Why not? They have been here before. The scenario with the photographer and ex-model is an excellent opening for something that is obviously about to occur. The premise is simple. Something that was unique to a past moment must be sought out. Perhaps only to confirm that the moment was real. But will the fairies show themselves? And to what be happen for each character if they do? These questions naturally and easily lead through a nice beginning to where a story can begin to unfold.
 
*Coffeer* STRUCTURE
 
The structure of the scene is very natural and easy to read and follow. There are three paragraphs, short and succinct setting up the scene and then the dialogue between the two characters. The dialogue pushes the scene towards the need for action and as your reader, I am ready to make the move. This is where the scene ends.
 
*Coffeer* THE PLEASURE
 
I felt very comfortable being a part of the scene. I enjoyed the conversation your two characters have.

”People will mock you; call you a liar, a cheat, a fraud.”
“I’ll prove them all wrong and show the pictures.”
“Blurry pictures that mean nothing.”
“What about you? You’ve seen them. Your story will back up my photographs.”
She turned away, held her head down, “In the end, you can’t prove a thing.”


This is some superb writing here and by the end of this scene I am ready for more. What is going to happen to their relationship as they continue on their quest? Will the fairies cooperate or just be a nuisance as they usually are? I’m provoked to read more. I hope you are preparing to write more.

*Coffeer* EDIT/REVISION
 
I was not aware of any edits or revisions that would improve your story. I think it just needs expansion. There is a lot of room in your dialogue to interject more scene development. Movements and small amounts of descriptions to give body to the characters would be a welcomed addition to make your piece a fuller story.
 
*Coffeer* IN SUMMARY
 
I am ready to read more. I love stories about fairies and those who are on a quest to find them. The characters seem to be genuine and I would look forward to knowing more about them and the place where their quest is just beginning. Good job of hooking me in.
 
Thanks and Cheers!
~Kenword~ *MugR*
 
 
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Review of Four Flowers  
Review by ♫~ Kenword~♫
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Dear K.M. Frantz
 
I chose your poem "Four Flowers to read from the Random Review Forum of WdC. I found myself easily drawn into your poem and appreciated your thoughts and expressions.
 
My review of your work is based solely on my op6inion and feelings. While I may suggest some structural alterations, I prefer to lend my feelings and impressions in the hopes that they may help and encourage. Please take what you think is appropriate and disregard the rest.

 
*Coffeer*          FIRST IMPRESSION
 
I was intrigued by the notion of a single picked flower being the representative for those who have experienced unrequited love. To be alone or singled out for a life of solitude is one thing and a single flower gives the impression of being alone and well. But to be unfulfilled in love is a painful experience and each flower has a beauty formed from their life spent without love returned.
 
*Coffeer*          THEME
 
In life, the one without love does seem to be the one left alone to bare the burdens of being picked. Some bare their burden better than others, choosing to add to their lives wisdom, love, joy, happiness and optimism. Your poem’s theme becomes immediately complete in its insightful statement as the image of the Anemone, that anticipates a life that will require it to hopelessness, is bound to others by the twine. As the four become one, it is beautiful how they are complete for one another even when they don’t all bring strength to the new union.
 
*Coffeer*          STRUCTURE
 
The form and careful choice of words is wonderful. The point of view that allows me to explore the attribute of each flower, not only provides visual images that build up my emotions and feelings, but also provides an excellent way for me to think about life’s graces: eloquence, wisdom, love, joy, optimism and happiness.
 
*Coffeer*          THE PLEASURE
 
I found joy in the middle of your poem with this image:

The Delphinium—
Nimble and fun, has a heart
Overflowing with love.{/}

And the poem’s concluding lines express the true blessings of community and intimate relationships.

Four flowers, each beautiful in its own way,
Picked carelessly and bound together
By a piece of twine.

Recipients of unrequited love,
Now together, no longer
Alone.


*Coffeer*          EDIT/REVISION
 
I was not aware of any edits or revisions that would improve your poem.
 
*Coffeer*          IN SUMMARY
 
Four flowers are picked and they find a togetherness with twine. Even bound they are not united, until the attributes of each begins to have effect on each individual flower. “Four Flowers” provides wonderful images of how strong relationships are created. Wonderfully written.
 
Thanks and Cheers!
 
~Kenword~ *MugR*
 
 
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Review of Arguing  
Review by ♫~ Kenword~♫
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Dear OrcaNerd
 
I chose your poem "Arguing to read from the Random Review Forum of WdC. I found myself easily drawn into your poem and appreciated your thoughts and expressions.
 
My review of your work is based solely on my opinion and feelings. While I may suggest some structural alterations, I prefer to lend my feelings and impressions in the hopes that they may help and encourage. Please take what you think is appropriate and disregard the rest.

 
*Coffeer* FIRST IMPRESSION
 
I was struck immediately by the seventeen rhymes with an “ess” ending and took some pleasure in roving over each one to see how they made me feel. They felt good!
 
*Coffeer* THEME
 
Addressing the issue of how people choose to make their stand and how they can sometimes blunder along with more opinion than logic is a great theme. As you took the theme to its pinnacle I wanted to shout: “That’s right!” “That’s right!”.
 
*Coffeer* STRUCTURE
 
I enjoyed the rhymes and could easily glide through the words without care for where the poem was going. Thankfully it landed well and the rhythm and rhyme worked well to advance your theme.
 
*Coffeer* THE PLEASURE
 
The stream of the “ess” ending words I found most enjoyable. The stream of thought that goes,
 
“when a view is expressed
and you begin to aggress
without any finesse
and try to suppress
opinions "they" possess

made me smile with great pleasure as it called forth images of past arguments I have had that started out with the best of intentions, but then spiraled out of control. These kind of arguments are never funny at the time. But when the details of the argument come into light later, years later, there is often a lot to laugh about.

*Coffeer* EDIT/REVISION
 
I was not aware of any edits or revisions that would improve your poem.
 
*Coffeer* IN SUMMARY
 
Your poem centers on a “hot topic” for me. Your words, images, thoughts and alliteration, had me nodding with a smug “all knowing” nod that comes from years of experiencing the foolishness of argumentative behavior. I enjoyed it all!
 
Thanks and Cheers!
 
~Kenword~ *MugR*




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249
Review by ♫~ Kenword~♫
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)

*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews*CakeP*



Hello Brother Nature
 
I chose your poem "The Penguins Dropped By from your portfolio to review in honor of the celebration of your WdC anniversary. I enjoyed reading your poem and it is a pleasure to share with you my overall impressions of what I read as well as a short review of your work.
 
My review is based solely on my opinion and feelings. While I may suggest some edits or revisions, I will focus mainly on my emotional response and impressions as I read your poem, in the hopes that they may be of some help and encourage further thought about what has been created. Please take what you think is appropriate and disregard the rest.

 
Overall Impression
 
Just when life seems “easy chair ready,” someone leaves a door open, and without further notification, you are giving “high fives” to penguins and becoming a harmonica player in a penguin blues band, traveling the world and playing music in packed out venues.
 
Life really couldn't be any better and “It's from the magic that happens when penguins drop by.”
 
Interest and Pace
 
The fun in the story/poem is the surprise visited on the main character when penguins recruit him to be part of their band.
 
I love that the penguins, in an age when science has helped everyone to know more about this fabulous bird than ever before, are not bound by the rules of science or nature. They become in fact a catalyst for rewriting the rules of nature and science. There is great delight for me in the simple comparison of musical penguins on the move to me or anyone, getting ready for our easy chair. If the fugitive musical band of penguins can aspire to audacious dreams, then why not I?
 
Theme
 
I think the theme of the poem is that one should expect that the big changes in life can be bigger than we expect, and that we should live and breathe expecting those big changes to manifest themselves at any moment. To live then, becomes an adventure that has endless possibilities. Especially if one leaves their door open. *Smile*
 
Images
 
Images that I particularly enjoyed were:

“We were soon shaking flippers, saying how do you do's.”,
__________________
 
“So we thought we'd drop by for a blues jam tonight.”,
__________________
 
“The penguins and I traveled the world as we played
and had lots of fun with the money we made.”,

__________________
 
Rhythm and Rhyme
 
The rhythm to your poem is spritely and the rhyme's are fun. I think you have captured well the spirit and joy of a Dr. Seuss tale.
 
Edits/Revisions
 
I was not aware of any need for edits and revisions.
 
Summary
 
Retirement is ahead for us all. And what will we have to show for the life lived before our settling begins? Well, it could be that one had better begin looking outside their every day experience and believe that the “improbable thing” that will never happen, is just around the corner. And won't it be wonderful when that "thing" is the launching platform to take your life to extraordinary heights.
 
I enjoyed your wonderful poem. It was an absolute pleasure to read.
 
Write on!

~Kenword~ *MugR*
 
 
GROUP
WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  (E)
Join the fun! We inspire reviewers through kindness and learning! Winner of six Quills!
#1300305 by Maryann



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
250
250
Review of Quimby's Farm  
Review by ♫~ Kenword~♫
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)

*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews*CakeP*


Hello Alan Davies
 
I chose your story "Quimby's Farm from your portfolio to review in honor of the celebration of your WdC anniversary. I enjoyed reading your story and it will be a pleasure to share with you my overall impressions of what I read as well as a short review of your work.
 
My review is based solely on my opinion and feelings. While I may suggest some edits or revisions, I will focus mainly on my emotional response and impressions as I read your story, in the hopes that they may be of some help and encourage further thought about what has been created. Please take what you think is appropriate and disregard the rest.

 
Overall Impression
 
An American Diary Farm serves as a great arena in which to create a story about love of tradition, inherited values, stemming the tide of progress and the joy of holding on to the legacy that is in one's blood. Nearly every community in America has been assaulted by the dreamers whose greatest desire is to turn farming soil into “McMansions.” There are millions of dollars piled up in the great reserves of the rich, conspicuous consumers of this age. Even in times of economic hardship. thousands of Americans have cash with no where left to spend it. Maybe we have stemmed the tide of their visions long enough. Maybe it is time to consider cashing in.
 
Interest and Pace
 
The Quimby's decision to sell the farm and to move on in life, is a great premise. It is a story that I would have enjoyed lingering in. There is contentment, I think, that lives in the elder Quimby, as he carries on the legacy of his forefathers in the dairy business. But there is pressure too. Family and friends around him, seem to see something in the future that can mean a tremendous windfall for them.
 
The story unfolds quickly and the movement from one thought or bit of action to the next is well timed and delivered in a way that is satisfying to the imagination.
 
Structure and Clarity
 
The structure of the story fits the theme and story line development. The characters are simply drawn and that works within the context of a very short piece. The meaning and implications in the dialogue and images seemed clear and easy to understand.

The straight forward talk of George is entertaining and meaningful. I particularly enjoyed his response to a realtor asking if he understood what his land was worth:
 
Yes, I do, it fed my family and served my community for many, many years. It's priceless.

_______________________________________________

Edits/Revisions
 
There were two places where I would suggest some editing be done. I would change the word “climber” to "climbed" in this sentence: He climber climbed off the old gal carefully and kicked the chock carefully under the back tire.
 
In the second to the last paragraph, I would suggest making the first single sentence into two:
 
It was funny though. For over 100 years that farm never earned much per acre.
 
The only revision I would suggest is to develop your story more and consider making it into a bigger piece. There is a great story here. I think George and Margie are tremendous bedrock characters who have potential to work well in a larger piece. Your writing style is entertaining and your observations are humorous and yet honest. Expanded scenes of George engaging with pesky realtors, contentious cows, and the challenges of making the ends meet, are all naturals for more humor and reader enjoyment.
 
Summary
 
I adore the George and Margie's of the world. They are foundationally American. Patriotic. They are cornerstones of their community.They have raised their kids by loving them and giving them opportunity to find their own way in life, with courage and imagination. In the America of the 1960's, there was a national woe that the George and Margie's of the nation were a vanishing breed. But I have met hundreds of these stable, sensible, beautiful people who know the value of home, family, money and creating vibrant safe communities. More of their stories should be told, because they are the greatness that makes up the strength of our free nation.
 
I enjoyed reading and immersing myself in the lives of George and Margie.

Thanks for sharing this wonderful story. I enjoyed it very much.
 
Write On!
 
~Kenword~ *MugR*
 
 
GROUP
WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  (E)
Join the fun! We inspire reviewers through kindness and learning! Winner of six Quills!
#1300305 by Maryann

 


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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