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Hi the scribe ,
I am ♫~ Kenword~♫ , a fellow author on Writing.com (WdC), and I am glad that you have joined the writing.com community. Welcome.
I chose to read your wonderful story "THE DATING GAME" from within the Read A Newbie Forum of WdC. I enjoyed reading "The Dating Game" and it was a delight to read it again and again to develop my review.
My review is based solely on impressions and feelings your story inspired. While I may suggest some structural alterations, I prefer to lend my feelings and impressions in the hopes that they may help and encourage. Please take what you think is appropriate and disregard the rest.
FIRST IMPRESSION
Dating in hopes of finding the right mate can be treacherous. Given the fact that there are few safe ways to meet that “special” someone and that the pool of truly wonderful single people is pitifully small, a trip into the arena of “profile” dating is a scenario perfectly designed for the humorist. I enjoyed your piece on dating and found it light, fun, entertaining and full of edgy humor.
THEME
The theme of finding love, companionship and friendship in the age of super-casual, disposable relationships works wonderfully with your keen skills for writing humor. Your ability to write with detailed clarity about what you have observed on this subject is awesome and you serve your readers both a cautionary tale and a wistful memoir of one soul’s search for its mate.
STRUCTURE
The story is centered around a personal account of a single mom’s first venture into the deep end of the dating pool. It is a first person narrative that at first seems biographical, but gives only enough personal information to set the scene of waiting for “Mr. Right” in a precarious position so that the reader may have a clear view of the main character’s dating destiny.
The story flows easily between inward and outward observations so that we know the heart and mind of the main character as well as the outward elements that help to simultaneously build up and tear down her confidence in herself and her potential mate.
BEST MOMENTS
The whole story was great and these are a few of the best moments for me:
So why was I here? I had always felt sorry for the sad people that felt the need to resort to internet dating, after all we don't need a man to make us happy. Or do we? I didn't think I did, but then again I would be 50 next year, and that was quite a scary thought. The kids were all grown up now, with their own lives to lead, yes they still needed mum when they wanted a babysitter ,but they were the ones encouraging me to get back out there.
I wonder about “Miss Back In The Dating Pool”. What is her name? Maggie? Grace? Celia? She is cautious, vulnerable, more curious than desperate and as her mind sums up her situation, I can’t help but like her and want the best for her. She is opening up to possibilities in a way that is charming and compelling.________
I had made a special effort for this date, hairdressers, nails and make up, nice new outfit, nothing too fancy after all we were only planning a pub lunch, that is if we could still stand each other after our coffee. The girls had been full of praise before I left home, "you look great mum the new hair style takes years off you".
Preparations for the unknown complete, reflections on self-image and a brilliant ego pumping session with caring children is exactly what our heroine needs. This paragraph sets up the contrast beautifully for how she has approached her commitment to the date compared to her…George Clooney? ______
After I finished my second latte I took a quick look in my compact mirror, no lipstick on the teeth, for a mature lady I scrubbed up quite well, if I say so myself. The door opened, I looked up as a young couple walked in, and headed for a table behind me to join their friends. They were followed by a tall rather good looking bloke, I took another look, could this be Ian, he was heading my way, I felt like a silly school girl I was so excited,...
Two lattes. Continued primping and self- evaluation. You build the tension and expectation of the first meeting perfectly. There is in this scene, hope, excitement, and wonder that dreams do have the potential to come true. If only…____
SUGGESTIONS
I would suggest giving your story another re-write. I think it would be worth your time and effort to put some more polish on this great story. The main character, as she relates to her girls, her past and future worlds, is a total delight. The theme and structure of your story is so strong that it is worthy of some more treatment.
One example of where some re-writing could help your story is in this delightful paragraph:
I had to admit some of the disaster stories my ever so helpful friends had told me were a bit off putting, for example, I had laughed for a week when Susie told me about her friend, who met her date in the cafe of one of the big stores in town, apparently he seemed fine, until he asked could he take her to the lingerie department to buy her some stockings and suspenders, not quite what you would expect on a first date.
This is a fun stream of words and images, but I would still punctuate it in a more traditional manner, inserting periods after “putting”, “town” and “suspenders.” Rather than detracting from your stream of expression, I think the sentence breaks would add to the paragraph’s readability and dramatic build.
EDIT/REVISION
These are two minor edits that I would recommend in your last paragraph:
…and yes he did have hair [,] but at the moment it was stuck to his head, either because he had actually been [to] the gym,…
IN SUMMARY
“The Dating Game,” is a fun, insightful read. I enjoyed the main character immensely. She was warm, caring, funny and a delight to be with. Will she ever find happiness with an Ian? Probably, but only because she has a tremendous sense of humor and an amazing appreciation of the ironic. Well done. Keep up the good work!
I hope my thoughts and impressions have been a help. Let me know if you have any questions about my review.
Kind Regards,
~Kenword~
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