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I try my best to read everything on Writing.com with great care. My reviews always include a first impression, my feelings about theme and structure and where appropriate, some thoughts about possible revisions.*Mugr*
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I give my best reviews on stories, poems and articles that hold my interest and stir up my emotions.~~ *Smile*
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lessons and puzzles. ^^*Mugr*
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Public Reviews
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Review of Crystal Lake  
Review by ♫~ Kenword~♫
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello russel.james
 
As requested, I read your story  "Crystal Lake and I am happy to share with you my impressions and feelings about what you have written.
 
My review is based on the images and feelings your words inspired during my various readings. While I may select some areas of your work that I feel could benefit from some rewriting, I prefer to focus on how your story made me feel and what images made lasting impressions. Please take what you think is appropriate and disregard the rest.

 
*Coffeer* FIRST IMPRESSION
 
Crystal Lake, serene in its majesty and content in its snow bound surroundings is only a few shots away from becoming a witness to the work of an expert assassin. The story of Tony Z builds quietly and serenely, as he works to resolve the torment in his soul, while resolutely fulfilling his contractual obligations. Each element of the story is well written and narration, action and inner dialogue are woven together expertly to give your reader a satisfying reading experience.
 
*Coffeer* THEME
 
An asassin’s inner motivations are explored in depth while giving the reader a lasting impression of a boy, trying to become a man, putting to death the ghost that still haunts him on every mission. The haunting of Tony is so relentless that his capacity to live life without an assignment to kill will never happen and the relief he feels after a successful assignment is obviously only momentary. The images of Tony’s failure to save his father are staggering and perfectly drawn. His imperfections as a marksman at a critical moment in his early life, give Tony’s character a strong presence in the story. His character is well defined and the scope of his madness is subtle, reasonable and is feathered into the narrative with perfection.
 
*Coffeer* STRUCTURE
 
Crystal Lake is written from a third person point of view. The full focus of the story is on Tony and his blind obsession to erase the guilt and shame he feels for not saving his father. The narrative is well balanced with Tony’s actions as a sniper and hunter and his inner dialogue that reveals his vulnerabilities and strengths.
 


*Coffeer* SUGGESTIONS
 
The only thing that I would suggest would be to have Tony, towards the end of this assignment recount some mistakes he has made recently that make him wonder about his stability as an assassin. Make him more vulnerable and human in this respect. I think it is reasonable to expect that after so many unsuccessful attempts to come to grips with his father’s death, it would begin to reflect in his outward performance as a contract killer. The story is well written all the way through, but I think the ending has the element of being a for gone conclusion, considering Tony’s skill, patience and deadly experience.
 
What if the target was careful enough, or paranoid enough to hire unseen security around the lodge who were as stealth as Tony and he somehow missed the signs? Any interruption to his usual pattern of success would add a sudden element of suspense for the reader and raise the question, will he survive? Or will he be taken like the Bear took his father.
 
*Coffeer* EDIT/REVISION
 
Other than what was mentioned in the previous section I was not aware of any need for edits or revisions.
 
*Coffeer* IN SUMMARY
 
Crystal Lake is at peace now. The assignment complete, Tony puts his ghostly memories to rest and waits for darkness. He has wrestled with his conscience and guilt for eleven days, not because of the murders he has committed, but because of the day he couldn’t hit the mark and save his father. He has proved once more that he is the hunter his father can be proud of, but how long will this moment of satisfaction last? Tony’s story is harrowingly true to life, filled with the truths that validate and realistically justify his reasons for being a sniper.
 
Thank you for the opportunity to read and review your story. With each reading my appreciation for what you created increased. Well done.
 
Kind Regards,

~Kenword~ *MugR**MugR*
 
 
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202
Review by ♫~ Kenword~♫
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
** Image ID #1739575 Unavailable **
Hi  brenda gans
 
I am ♫~ Kenword~♫ , a fellow author on Writing.com (WdC), and I am glad that you have joined the writing.com community. Welcome.

I chose to read your wonderful story  "Gabriel and Sarah chapter 1 from within the Read A Newbie Forum of WdC. I enjoyed reading about Sarah and Sullivan and it was a pleasure to read your first chapter again and again to develop my review.
 
My review is based solely on impressions and feelings your story inspired. While I may suggest some structural alterations, I prefer to lend my feelings and impressions in the hopes that they may help and encourage. Please take what you think is appropriate and disregard the rest.

 
*Coffeer* FIRST IMPRESSION
 
Several generations ago, Sully and Sarah would have been “moderns”. Young, brilliant, inventive and tirelessly creative. Their world would be the envy of those who couldn’t fit in and meet the demands of being perpetually hip. The two sisters are diverse in their tastes and their opening chapter focuses on the home they have created together, but with distinct color and decorating style boundaries. They seem blissful in their own little world where their private jokes still make them giggle and “serouiousness” may be the one unpardonable state of being.
 
*Coffeer* THEME
 
This chapter opens with two sisters preparing for their day. It seems they are perpetually on duty, though they have hired help to come and work in their business with them. This chapter seems designed to acquaint the reader with who Sully and Sarah are and how they have blended their talents and tastes to create a home in which they live and work.
 
How they prepare for the day and their work is obviously key to the reader knowing what motivates and keeps the two sisters in balance.

*Coffeer* STRUCTURE
 
The story is told in a third person narrative way that weaves dialog, scene descriptions and actions together with an easy flow. The focus is on giving the reader insight to Sully and Sarah and how they live their lives. This occasionally means that two perspectives are present in the story. One is Sully’s, as she prepares to shower, and the other is Sarah’s as she presents to the reader a woeful evaluation of the kitchen.
 
*Coffeer*SUGGESTIONS
 
The main thing I would suggest for your novel would be to select just one perspective from which to write. Sully and Sarah are fun and each has their unique point of view, but this can be a distraction for the reader. The dual perspectives are tempting because the writing is for each character is so well done and is delightfully natural. For the reader however, it is easier to stay with the flow of the story if it is shown through the eyes of just one character. Some authors have gotten around this limitation by giving their main characters their own chapters. For you novel, one chapter could be from Sarah’s point of view, the next from Sully’s.


*Coffeer* EDIT/REVISION

There were a few grammatical and sentence structure issues that could easily be corrected in your re-write. Rather than detail those issues in this review, please email me and let me know if you would like me to go through those edits, and I will be glad to in a separate communication.


*Coffeer* IN SUMMARY
 
Sarah and Sully, sisters who are close and compatible enough to live and work together in a home that they share, spring to life in this upbeat, divinely descriptive, story. They are diverse in their tastes, but have obviously developed enough respect and love for each other to keep a harmonious relationship no matter how much time they spend together. I look forward to seeing how their story evolves in the following chapters. Well done. Keep up the good work! *Smile*
 
I hope my thoughts and impressions have been a help. Let me know if you have any questions about my review.
 
Kind Regards,

~Kenword~ *MugR*
 
 
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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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Review of Tea  
Review by ♫~ Kenword~♫
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
** Image ID #1739575 Unavailable **
Hi  Samurai Fuey
 
I am ♫~ Kenword~♫ , a fellow author on Writing.com (WdC), and I am glad that you have joined the writing.com community. Welcome.

I chose to read your wonderful story  "Tea from within the Read A Newbie Forum of WdC. I enjoyed reading about the life and times of the old lady who married young and lived an eternity. It was a pleasure reading the story again and again to develop my review.
 
My review is based solely on impressions and feelings your story inspired. While I may suggest some structural alterations, I prefer to lend my feelings and impressions in the hopes that they may help and encourage. Please take what you think is appropriate and disregard the rest.

 
*Coffeer* FIRST IMPRESSION
 
Tea. For over eighty years, her special tea, gave her a unique identity, a source of income and a notoriety that followed her where ever she chose to live. Despite the pains of loneliness and frailty the old lady continued to find great solace in her very special tea.
 
*Coffeer* THEME
 
Few men and women bare up under life’s great sorrows without being stricken themselves by some tragic accident or incurable disease. But the old lady, despite losing her husband, son, grandson and cherished daughter-in-law to the grave, continued to live her life strong, often it seemed, as a memorial to her loved one's lives. As she sets the table for tea, she recounts the happy, resplendent times along with the dreaded, dark times to her own soul and to the inanimate objects around her who have become her friends. As with the tea that has a purpose to refresh and renew body and soul, so too has the old lady a purpose, to remember those whose lives, whether long or short, mattered and made a difference in the world.
 
*Coffeer* STRUCTURE
 
The story is written with an omniscient point of view, narrating the story generally outside of the main character. Through the narrator we know the old lady’s feelings and perspectives and are given some key information about those who shared the old lady’s life.
 
The omniscient perspective lends an eerie feel to the story as both the narrator and the old lady present their perspectives of how best to tell the reader the full story.
 
*Coffeer* BEST MOMENTS
 
The whole story was filled with some great moments and these are a few that I especially enjoyed:

" That is what [I] thought, Arthi", she giggled out as she looked at her hands. She had named and started talking to her arthritis back in 1979. The old lady took to giving everything names and conversing with them. Many say it was to keep her focused and fight off the Alzheimer's. In reality, she did it because she felt everything had its own personality,…


This paragraph graphically shows your readers just how far the old lady's mind has grown to accept age. It is clear that it has been her choice to embrace her own quirkiness that blends reality with magic, to create moments from the past and present that projects her own character into the inanimate objects around her. ________

The smile returned to her face as remembered raising little David. She taught him to swim, fish, ride a bike, and things that a young boy needs to know. He was a hand full, but he was her hand full. She remembered his first school dance, his first home run, and his school plays. These were her happy days. Too few in her eyes though.

Of the past the Old Lady has too few happy memories. Those she loved were taken away, leaving her only grief. But this moment is rich, as it stretches out the full length of David’s childhood. ______
 
She poured the Tea into the cups. Five cups in total. The clock now read noon. Her guests walked in smiling, always happy to see her. She was happy to see them. They all took their places at the table.

As with memories, guests at tea time are always welcome. This last scene sums up the world of the Old Lady nicely; after all, what is more important, that visitors actually attend a party, or that one’s mind believes they do and enjoys their company?______________
 
*Coffeer*SUGGESTIONS
 
My only suggestion would be to do a complete rewrite of the story and make some edits and revisions for the sake of correcting some spelling, word choice and punctuation errors. Other than that I think the story is beautifully conceived and nicely written. I will suggest a few of these recommended edits in the next section.

*Coffeer* EDIT/REVISION
 
The following are sentences that need some edits. I crossed out the word or phrase that needed to be changed. I made my suggested changes and inserted additional words in violet.

1.) It all pasted passed with time. It was just a part of life.

2.) It was almost noon and her guest guests would be arriving soon.

3.) Then the tears rolled out as she thought of an earlier time.

4.) It was said that he would drink that Tea like it was water.

I hope these suggested edits are a help. There are more, but time and review length prohibit me from going through all the edits. But a careful rewrite should help you make the corrections.

*Coffeer* IN SUMMARY
 
The Old Lady in the story entitled “Tea,” is an extraordinary character. She still is a wonder, though some of her lucidity has been lost. She is still keen on her memories. Her history reveals much about her values and life perspective. She still grieves the loss of her family, but continues to do the one thing that was always central to all of her life long relationships: She served them tea. Beautiful story. Well done. Keep up the good work! *Smile*
 
I hope my thoughts and impressions have been a help. Let me know if you have any questions about my review.
 
Kind Regards,

~Kenword~ *MugR*
 
 
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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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Review of Shadow  
Review by ♫~ Kenword~♫
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
** Image ID #1739575 Unavailable **
Hi  christina
 
I am ♫~ Kenword~♫ , a fellow author on Writing.com (WdC), and I am glad that you have joined the writing.com community. Welcome.

I chose to read your wonderful story  " Shadow from within the Read A Newbie Forum of WdC. I enjoyed reading about Shadow’s story of survival and it was a pleasure to read it again and again to develop my review.
 
My review is based solely on impressions and feelings your story inspired. While I may suggest some structural alterations, I prefer to lend my feelings and impressions in the hopes that they may help and encourage. Please take what you think is appropriate and disregard the rest.

 
*Coffeer* FIRST IMPRESSION
 
Shadow. As the name implies, Shadow is a survivor. A survivor because he learned quickly to take on the strongest, darkest attributes of his many mentors on the harsh streets of New York City. For street dogs, the survival rate is low to non-existent. Between starvation, motor vehicles, marauding packs of predator dogs and humans - incarceration, injury and death are inevitable. The story of Shadow’s valiant efforts to be more than another statistic is written with the raw power of one who perceives with great insight what it means for “at risk” animals to survive.
 
*Coffeer* THEME
 
For animals, as for all of us, the greatest reward in life is to be accepted, loved and nurtured in a warm, kind, and caring family. It is a long, treacherous road sometimes, but it seems that it is always the survivor of that journey who has the most appreciation for the sanctuary of home and family once it is found.
 
*Coffeer* STRUCTURE
 
The story of Shadow is written in narrative form from the third person perspective. The action and dialog between the animals is more told to the reader than shown, but the details and descriptions of the environment, fights and losses are well written and carry the story to a rewarding conclusion.
 
*Coffeer*SUGGESTIONS
 
I believe you have a heart and soul for the story of Shadow. Some re-writing could truly bring Shadow to life and have a real impact on your readers.

By slowing the narrative down, expanding the moments with more description, sights, smells, tastes and feelings, you could pull your reader all the way into Shadow's story and show them why they must love and care about him. Where you tell your readers what Hazel, Ginger, and Leo have to say to Shadow, I would suggest actually putting the words in the mouths of these heroic characters. When Shadow enters into dangerous grounds, your story could zero in on what it is he sees, feels and hears. What are the signs around him that he notices that alert him to the danger he is in? What are his plans for battle? What is his escape strategy? There is more you could show your reader that would serve to draw them into being a support for this powerful character.

What you have creatively written of Shadow thus far, outlines perfectly the timeline of events that ultimately bring him a safe life. By expanding on the outline to show your readers all that Shadow has experienced, your story could become vivid, compelling and a tribute to a brilliant survivor.

*Coffeer* EDIT/REVISION

There were a few grammatical and sentence structure issues that could easily be corrected in your re-write. Rather than detail those issues in this review, please email me and let me know if you would like me to go through those edits in another communication.

*Coffeer* IN SUMMARY
 
Shadow the pup doesn’t have the street smarts or the real toughness to survive the wilds of New York City. But he gains valuable wisdom and tenacity as the brutal truths of being a wild dog in a big city are imparted to him. Of course such wisdom does not come without some heavy prices. And every price paid takes Shadow ever closer to the edge of destruction. At last his fate is left to providence. Life or death is ultimately out of his hands to determine. This is a great start to a great story. Keep up the good work! *Smile*
 
I hope my thoughts and impressions have been a help. Let me know if you have any questions about my review.
 
Kind Regards,

~Kenword~ *MugR*
 
 
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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
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Review of THE DATING GAME  
Review by ♫~ Kenword~♫
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.5)
** Image ID #1739575 Unavailable **
Hi  the scribe
 
I am ♫~ Kenword~♫ , a fellow author on Writing.com (WdC), and I am glad that you have joined the writing.com community. Welcome.

I chose to read your wonderful story  "THE DATING GAME from within the Read A Newbie Forum of WdC. I enjoyed reading "The Dating Game" and it was a delight to read it again and again to develop my review.
 
My review is based solely on impressions and feelings your story inspired. While I may suggest some structural alterations, I prefer to lend my feelings and impressions in the hopes that they may help and encourage. Please take what you think is appropriate and disregard the rest.

 
*Coffeer* FIRST IMPRESSION
 
Dating in hopes of finding the right mate can be treacherous. Given the fact that there are few safe ways to meet that “special” someone and that the pool of truly wonderful single people is pitifully small, a trip into the arena of “profile” dating is a scenario perfectly designed for the humorist. I enjoyed your piece on dating and found it light, fun, entertaining and full of edgy humor.
 
*Coffeer* THEME
 
The theme of finding love, companionship and friendship in the age of super-casual, disposable relationships works wonderfully with your keen skills for writing humor. Your ability to write with detailed clarity about what you have observed on this subject is awesome and you serve your readers both a cautionary tale and a wistful memoir of one soul’s search for its mate.
 
*Coffeer* STRUCTURE
 
The story is centered around a personal account of a single mom’s first venture into the deep end of the dating pool. It is a first person narrative that at first seems biographical, but gives only enough personal information to set the scene of waiting for “Mr. Right” in a precarious position so that the reader may have a clear view of the main character’s dating destiny.
 
The story flows easily between inward and outward observations so that we know the heart and mind of the main character as well as the outward elements that help to simultaneously build up and tear down her confidence in herself and her potential mate.
 
*Coffeer* BEST MOMENTS
 
The whole story was great and these are a few of the best moments for me:

So why was I here? I had always felt sorry for the sad people that felt the need to resort to internet dating, after all we don't need a man to make us happy. Or do we? I didn't think I did, but then again I would be 50 next year, and that was quite a scary thought. The kids were all grown up now, with their own lives to lead, yes they still needed mum when they wanted a babysitter ,but they were the ones encouraging me to get back out there.

I wonder about “Miss Back In The Dating Pool”. What is her name? Maggie? Grace? Celia? She is cautious, vulnerable, more curious than desperate and as her mind sums up her situation, I can’t help but like her and want the best for her. She is opening up to possibilities in a way that is charming and compelling.________

I had made a special effort for this date, hairdressers, nails and make up, nice new outfit, nothing too fancy after all we were only planning a pub lunch, that is if we could still stand each other after our coffee. The girls had been full of praise before I left home, "you look great mum the new hair style takes years off you".

Preparations for the unknown complete, reflections on self-image and a brilliant ego pumping session with caring children is exactly what our heroine needs. This paragraph sets up the contrast beautifully for how she has approached her commitment to the date compared to her…George Clooney? ______
 
After I finished my second latte I took a quick look in my compact mirror, no lipstick on the teeth, for a mature lady I scrubbed up quite well, if I say so myself. The door opened, I looked up as a young couple walked in, and headed for a table behind me to join their friends. They were followed by a tall rather good looking bloke, I took another look, could this be Ian, he was heading my way, I felt like a silly school girl I was so excited,...

Two lattes. Continued primping and self- evaluation. You build the tension and expectation of the first meeting perfectly. There is in this scene, hope, excitement, and wonder that dreams do have the potential to come true. If only…____
 
*Coffeer*SUGGESTIONS
 
I would suggest giving your story another re-write. I think it would be worth your time and effort to put some more polish on this great story. The main character, as she relates to her girls, her past and future worlds, is a total delight. The theme and structure of your story is so strong that it is worthy of some more treatment.

One example of where some re-writing could help your story is in this delightful paragraph:
I had to admit some of the disaster stories my ever so helpful friends had told me were a bit off putting, for example, I had laughed for a week when Susie told me about her friend, who met her date in the cafe of one of the big stores in town, apparently he seemed fine, until he asked could he take her to the lingerie department to buy her some stockings and suspenders, not quite what you would expect on a first date.

This is a fun stream of words and images, but I would still punctuate it in a more traditional manner, inserting periods after “putting”, “town” and “suspenders.” Rather than detracting from your stream of expression, I think the sentence breaks would add to the paragraph’s readability and dramatic build.

*Coffeer* EDIT/REVISION
  These are two minor edits that I would recommend in your last paragraph:

…and yes he did have hair [,] but at the moment it was stuck to his head, either because he had actually been [to] the gym,…

*Coffeer* IN SUMMARY
 
“The Dating Game,” is a fun, insightful read. I enjoyed the main character immensely. She was warm, caring, funny and a delight to be with. Will she ever find happiness with an Ian? Probably, but only because she has a tremendous sense of humor and an amazing appreciation of the ironic. Well done. Keep up the good work! *Smile*
 
I hope my thoughts and impressions have been a help. Let me know if you have any questions about my review.
 
Kind Regards,

~Kenword~ *MugR*
 
 
** Image ID #1844950 Unavailable **




*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
206
206
Review by ♫~ Kenword~♫
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
I chose to review your item today as part of my review challenge at the "Invalid Item.
 
Hello QueenOwl ~ A New Day Dawns
 
My review of "Oh, What a Morning! is based on the images and feelings your words inspired during my various readings. While I may select some areas of your work that I feel could benefit from some rewriting, I prefer to focus on how your story made me feel, and the images that made a lasting impression on me. Please take what you think is appropriate and disregard the rest.

 
*Coffeer* FIRST IMPRESSION
 
The tone, style and pace of your story energized me. The main character’s step by step, well- rehearsed actions to get through her commute to work are seemingly mundane, but are the cornerstone of her existence. I understand her because of the course she runs. I’ve been there. I’ve been that person. One decision to deviate from the well-worn path nearly spins her neatly designed universe out of control, but the “gravity” of her “path-to-work” is stronger than the powers of deviation. It saves the day. She gets to go to work. Her day becomes normal.
 
*Coffeer* THEME
 
The power in your story, I believe, comes from your insight into how a simple deviation from a person’s daily routine can almost have the same effect to their mind and soul as an adventure in a foreign land or having a starring role in a carefully planned event. From the outside looking in, the gas station, broken pump, roving gas cap and a penny, seem ordinary, but inside the main character is a ticking clock and an appointment with her daily destiny that’s been messed with. In that moment my inner being is relating at full speed and I cannot help but congratulate your heroine for being a risk taker, even though it wasn’t a mountain she climbed. She had simply deviated from her routine. I found myself laughing with a great deal of satisfaction as your heroine overcame all obstacles to return to the safety of her life-as-usual.
 
*Coffeer* STRUCTURE
 
The story, written in the second person, is expansive and light. While the focus is on a person’s mundane moments, the narrative gathers together the facts, props and actions of one person’s morning routine to set up an arena in which a decision to step off the usual path, becomes a drama and a comedy that is easy to relate to.
 
By using the second person, there is a lot of conversation that happens in the story, but it is in the main character’s head. I found myself enjoying this interaction that takes the place of “showing” the story. The telling of the story opens the reader’s heart to the main character’s unique perspective on life.
 
*Coffeer* BEST MOMENTS
 
I enjoyed every word of your story and for me these are a few of the best moments:

You don’t feel like getting up, but the alarm went off, so you lazily slide out of your sheets and head toward the bathroom to start washing up.

One’s ability to make decisions is sometimes best left to a seasoned expert like an “alarm.”

 
With your hair starting to get kinky from the frustration, you head back inside to tell the clerk that it’s Pump #1 and not Pump #2. The two guys who are ahead of you at the cash register make smart aleck comments to each other loud enough for you to hear, something like, “Oh, yea, she made a mistake…” You ignored that although your hair is already getting kinkier by the second.

 
The kinky hair as a outward sign of your heroine’s inner frustrations is a golden touch. How hard it is in moments of total breakdown to realize what we look like on the outside. Nice.

With a wry smile on his face, he hands you your $10 change and you fly back to the car. Being the considerate person that you are, you move your car out of the pump area and you park in front of the store. You search for a penny from your coin purse. With the penny in hand, you run inside the store and drop it on the counter.

 
The chance of missing the Coaster is taken to the limit. It is for the “penny” owed that life has one more opportunity to throw the main character’s day completely over the edge. But she is tough. She is going to win the race but all the rules are kept along the way. I can’t help but like her.
 
*Coffeer* SUGGESTIONS
 
My only suggestion would be that there be more. I know “enough is as good as a feast,” but you have done such a superb job of creating a likeable character in the absurd trauma of not having an “ordinary” day, that I think the fun could go on for quite a bit longer.
 
*Coffeer* EDIT/REVISION
 
Other than what was mention in the previous section, I was not aware of any need for edits or revision.
 
*Coffeer* IN SUMMARY
 
Stories and storytelling benefit immensely from the great deviations to the ordinary, everyday, path of life. You have done a superb job of capturing the essence of the true story in one person’s simple act of kindness leading to a hair “kinking” adventure.
 
Beautifully done! Thank you for sharing your gift.
 
Please let me know if you have any questions regarding my review.
 
Kind Regards,

~Kenword~ *MugR*
 
GROUP
WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  (E)
Join the fun! We inspire reviewers through kindness and learning! Winner of six Quills!
#1300305 by Maryann



*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!.
207
207
Review of This is Love  
Review by ♫~ Kenword~♫
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.5)
** Image ID #1739575 Unavailable **
Hi  Jennifer Lewis
 
I am ♫~ Kenword~♫ , a fellow author on Writing.com (WdC), and I am glad that you have joined the writing.com community. Welcome.

I chose to read your wonderful love story  "This is Love from within the Read A Newbie Forum of WdC. I enjoyed reading your story and it was a delight to read it again and again to develop my review.
 
This review is based solely on impressions and feelings your story inspired. While I may suggest some structural alterations, I prefer to lend my feelings and impressions in the hopes that they may help and encourage. Please take what you think is appropriate and disregard the rest.

 
*Coffeer* FIRST IMPRESSION
 
The style and tone of your writing is refreshing and light. Each phrase you created stimulated my mind to keep reading and with each word I found relaxed satisfaction. Kristi and David are a delight and reading about how their friendship led to romance was a joy.
 
*Coffeer* THEME
 
Discovering what makes true romance bloom into love is a wonderful theme and your insights into how romance works in the lives of ordinary people are truly inspired. I believe so much in the idea of friendship first, before romance, that I am probably an easy audience for your story. None-the-less you show with amazing clarity and feeling how easy it is to fall in love with your best friend.
 
*Coffeer* STRUCTURE
 
I liked that the story is told from the third person perspective. You allow your characters time and space to really open up and reveal who they are. By keeping the descriptions to a minimum, you skillfully made space for the actions and dialogue of Kris and David to carry the storyline.
 
Each new setting in your story is creatively chosen to match the mood you wanted your characters to experience. For me these setting changes added a lot of fun and intrigue to your story.
 
*Coffeer* BEST MOMENTS
 
The whole story was great, but these are a few of the best moments for me:

Humming along with the latest love song on the radio, Kristine arranged the flowers to her own idea of perfection. The hot-house grown beauties carried a tantalizing scent and a rich color not found often in these fast paced days of mass production.


With just a few words I feel like I know Kristine and her world. Wonderful introduction. ________

The carousel, considered another of the town’s monuments, spun in all its colorful glory bringing memories of her childhood and the times spent at the carnival with her friends. She loved the bright colors. They reminded her of the flowers in the shop. Each horse painted vividly to stand out on its own, inviting children to climb aboard and pretend for a moment that another world awaited.

I liked what this paragraph revealed about Kristi. Not, only is she a romantic, but her heart is open to the memories that can lead, when shared with a best friend, to a deeper intimacy. ________
 
Day three he took her to the thrift shop and she put on a fashion show for him of the worst looking clothing she could find. Kris couldn’t remember when she laughed as much. Afterwards, they ate burgers and fries dripping grease. It proved to be nothing like the fancy dinners of her last lover and she found she liked it more because of it. It became more fun than she could remember having recently.

By now, I know where Kristi and David will be at the end of the story, but the interplay between the two of them is so creatively written I enjoyed the journey that would reveal their love for each other.______________
 
*Coffeer*SUGGESTIONS
 
The structure of a few sentences like, “...both of them went back to the store and relieved Sissy for the day; and it became further stranger to her.” were a bit awkward and could be re-written to improve clarity and flow. Just one or two minor distractions really and I am sure as you rewrite the story these issues will be ironed out.

*Coffeer* EDIT/REVISION
 
These are a couple of edits I would suggest:

She handed the flower arranged arrangement to the young man who drove their van.
 
Moving closer to David to absorb some of his heat, she
found surprise was surprised to see them stop at the farthest end of town.
 
He stood on the sidewalk, holding a
hand handful of wildflowers.

*Coffeer* IN SUMMARY
 
One of the great mysteries of human development is how some relationships can evolve slowly and then become unbreakable. I enjoyed reading about how the mysterious friendship of David and Kristi suddenly took them beyond themselves. Even Kristi's somewhat shallow perception of love and romance is transformed. The whole story was a delight to read. The writing was clear and vivid and entertaining. Well done. Keep up the good work! *Smile*
 
I hope my thoughts and feelings are a help. Let me know if you have any questions about my review.
 
Kind Regards,

~Kenword~ *MugR*
 
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208
Review of Do you really?  
Review by ♫~ Kenword~♫
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
** Image ID #1739575 Unavailable **


Hi there MissWriter
 
I am ♫~ Kenword~♫ , a fellow author on Writing.com (WdC), and I am delighted to welcome you to this beautiful community of writers and artists.

I chose  "Do you really? to read from the Randon Review Forum of WdC. I enjoyed reading your poem and was moved by the theme, tone and images you created in your piece.
 
My review is based solely on impressions and feelings your poem inspired. While I may suggest some minor revisions, I prefer to lend my feelings and impressions in the hopes that they may help and encourage. Please take what you think is appropriate and disregard the rest.

 
*Coffeer* FIRST IMPRESSION
 
In a world that can be brutally harsh, it is devasting to have a parent who is abusive. Where we may expect refuge and sanctuary from the cruelty we experience outside the home, to find instead a monster who strips away the last vestiges of self esteem and hope is monstrous. In the words you have fashioned I feel the pain of abandonment and betrayal. In the end there is only one hope, to walk out the door.
 
*Coffeer* THEME
 
Your words and images declare to the one who has caused so much pain that the abusive relationship is over. There is nothing worth remembering. The healing begins as the past is brought to a place to be forgotten.
 
*Coffeer* STRUCTURE
 
Each line is a thought that is coupled with a quick retort in the following line, weaving together both a complaint and a lament for the way things have been. The pace of the poem adds to the weight of the words. The blend of images, words and rhythm adds to the anxiousness and weight I feel as I read and re-read your poem.
 
*Coffeer* WHAT I ENJOYED
 
It was the over all tone that captured me more than the images and words. The intention of the poem seems to be to use heartfelt words to break the bonds and chains that have held an abusive relationship together. I appreciate how the poem delivers a declaration to the parent who has to be “high” and out of his mind, that his daughter is done living life expecting love from him.
 
*Coffeer*SUGGESTIONS
 
There is a lot of power in your words and is complete in its message and purpose.  

*Coffeer* EDIT/REVISION
 
In my viewer, the apostophe is skewed. This may be caused by cutting and pasting from a word processing program into the static item. I would suggest editing the piece to correct the marks. Other than that I was not aware of any need for edit or revision.
 
*Coffeer* IN SUMMARY
 
Your poem challenges me as a father to consider the parent I should be. I welcome the challenge knowing that I have come short many times. I appreciate your poem's power to provoke reflection and repentance. Well done.
 
I hope my thoughts and feelings are a help. Let me know if you have any questions about my review.
 
Kind Regards,

~Kenword~
*MugR*
 
 
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209
209
Review by ♫~ Kenword~♫
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.5)
** Image ID #1739575 Unavailable **


Hi there Poet4Him
 
I am ♫~ Kenword~♫ , a fellow author on Writing.com (WdC), and I am delighted to welcome you to this beautiful community of writers and artists.

I chose  ""Christ-Sighted"  to read from the Randon Review Forum of WdC. I enjoyed reading your poem and was moved by the theme, tone and images you created in your piece.
 
My review is based solely on impressions and feelings your poem inspired. While I may suggest some minor revisions, I prefer to lend my feelings and impressions in the hopes that they may help and encourage. Please take what you think is appropriate and disregard the rest.

 
*Coffeer* FIRST IMPRESSION
 
There is a voice, gracious, kind and ever present that I may choose to ignore, but in so doing, my soul through the gates of my ears and mind are at the mercy of thousands of distractions. I may be prone to becoming obsessed with a path that leads to fruitless endeavors that are pits for pain, sickness and death. I am not a listener by nature. I am a reactor. An obsessor. But thankfully, Jesus is my center, and as God, He is my one hope for finding love and the joy of salvation.
 
*Coffeer* THEME
 
Your poem stresses the importance of listening to God, and walking away from the distractions of life around us to seek Him, with all of our heart, soul and mind.
 
*Coffeer* STRUCTURE
 
I enjoyed the flow of your poem. It has a quick, easy beat that matches your poem's theme perfectly. The rhymes are incidental throughout the poem, relying less on perfect sound match and more on quality of tone. For me, this worked to give each line a natural feel.
 
*Coffeer* WHAT I ENJOYED
 
These are some of the images that were particularly pleasing to me:

It's all too easy to hide away,

and miss that still, small voice.


__________________

Our minds look for alternatives,

and we search a different route.


__________________
 
Our minds look for alternatives,

and we search a different route.


__________________
 
*Coffeer*SUGGESTIONS
 
There is a lot of power in your words and images. There was only one line that stumbled my understanding or seemed a bit off to me. Where you write “by the consequences to rise about.” I was not able to develop a picture or feel for how it relates to the other lines around it.  

*Coffeer* EDIT/REVISION
 
Other than what I mentioned in the previous section, I was not aware of any need for edit or revision.
 
*Coffeer* IN SUMMARY
 
Your poem challenges me to think once again of what my relationship with Christ must be if I am to enjoy the life He has given me. The images provoke my wonder of what He has done, and reminds me to keep my focus heavenward. Well done.
 
I hope my thoughts and feelings are a help. Let me know if you have any questions about my review.
 
Kind Regards,

~Kenword~
*MugR*
 
 
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210
210
Review by ♫~ Kenword~♫
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (3.0)
** Image ID #1739575 Unavailable **

Hi there Ayla N Shakir
 
I am ♫~ Kenword~♫ , a fellow author on Writing.com (WdC), and I would like to welcome you to this creative site for writers of all levels.

I chose  "The 3 Amazing Merpeople  to read from the Random Review Forum of WdC. I enjoyed reading your item and I am delighted to discuss your work.
 
My review is based solely on impressions and feelings your Chapter inspired. While I may suggest some structural alterations, I prefer to lend my feelings and impressions in the hopes that they may help and encourage. Please take what you think is appropriate and disregard the rest.

 
*Coffeer* FIRST IMPRESSION
 
Three merpeople, Quizzy, Blossom and Meg discuss the possibility of going diving. Since Quizzy is booked into parties, the possibility of the three friends enjoying a dive together does not seem likely.
 
*Coffeer* THEME
 
The story is part of a larger work that is developing. The main theme at this point in the story is joining in on a hang-out-session with Meg and Blossom, while they wait for their friend Quizzy to join them in a dive.
 
*Coffeer* STRUCTURE
 
This chapter is contained in three paragraphs, though it seemed that it could have used one or two more paragraphs. This is especially true in the sections that need breaks for clarification as to which person is speaking.
 
*Coffeer* WHAT I LIKED
 
The dialogue was well done and the interaction of the friends was a nice read for me:

"I also have to stay and help clean and get ready so that's the only time I'm available. I hope that isn't a problem girls because I'm also booked the rest of the week," he said sadly.

  *Bulletb* *Giftb*  *Bulletb* *Giftb*  *Bulletb* *Giftb*  

"No, no, it just that my curfew is at 9:45," said Blossom.

"Mine is 9:30," said Meg.

"Do you think your parents can cut you guys some slack just for today?" asked Quizy.


  *Bulletb* *Giftb*  *Bulletb* *Giftb*  *Bulletb* *Giftb*  
 
*Coffeer*SUGGESTIONS
 
I had a lot of fun reading the dialogue between Meg, Blossom and Quizzy. Because your story hinges so much on their dialogue there is a lot of room in this chapter for additional elements, like scene setting, description of the characters, actions that they may be engaged in while talking. All of these are necessary components that will bring your reader more fully into the story. And even though this is your first chapter it would probably be a good idea to give your reader a hint of what plot we may expect to see develop in the future.
 
*Coffeer* EDIT/REVISION
 
In the section "WHAT I LIKED", I took the liberty of adding correct punctuation to the lines I quoted. You will note all of the dialogue I quoted I added quotation marks, commas and proper capitalization. I would recommend that you go through your story and make similar corrections to all of the story. Please let me know if you need additional assistance with this process.
 
*Coffeer* IN SUMMARY
 
Quizzy, Blossom and Meg are anxious to get to a place in their schedules where they can make a dive together. There are intricate reasons why their mission is not developing, but Meg and Blossom are determined to make the best of the situation. It is probable that more developments are in the works! I look forward to reading more!*Smile*
 
I hope my thoughts and feelings are a help. Let me know if you have any questions about my review.
 
Kind Regards,

~Kenword~ *MugR*
 

Reviewer For Paper Doll Gang


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211
211
Review by ♫~ Kenword~♫
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
** Image ID #1739575 Unavailable **

Hi there passionate
 
I am ♫~ Kenword~♫ , a fellow author on Writing.com (WdC), and I would like to welcome you to this creative site for writers of all levels.

I chose  "World of the Young to read from the Review A Newbie Forum of WdC. I enjoyed reading your poem and I am delighted to discuss your work.
 
My review is based solely on impressions and feelings your poem inspired. While I may suggest some minor revisions, I prefer to lend my feelings and impressions in the hopes that they may be a help and an encouragement. Please take what you think is appropriate and disregard the rest.

 
*Coffeer* FIRST IMPRESSION
 
There is a powerhouse of engergy in your poem's words, images and theme. The scope of the poem has the feel of getting ready for a contest or a celebration where there are no limits and nothing will stop the force that drives those who participate.
 
*Coffeer* THEME
 
Finding joy and pleasure in the action is a great theme to pursue and your poem does an awesome job of stirring the soul out of its hibernation to get up and shake it. Something has to be shaken and whether it is to participate in a competition or get up and perform, the language of the poem stirs up the adrenaline.
 
*Coffeer* STRUCTURE
 
The poem is written in a free form with an aabb ccdd etc. rhyming scheme. The sounds of each sylable are filled crisp, stout resonance that makes the flow of the words quick. The pace matches the theme perfectly.
 
*Coffeer* WHAT I LIKED
 
These are some of the lines that were particularly stirring:

Its your time, its your age
Be confident and show up on stage


  *Bulletb* *Giftb*  *Bulletb* *Giftb*  *Bulletb* *Giftb*  

Crush the difficulties, spread smile on your face
Accept the challenge, leap over the hurdles of race


  *Bulletb* *Giftb*  *Bulletb* *Giftb*  *Bulletb* *Giftb*  

Fight until your fear gives up and goes
Your life is beautiful, full of craze


  *Bulletb* *Giftb*  *Bulletb* *Giftb*  *Bulletb* *Giftb*  
 
*Coffeer*SUGGESTIONS
 
While the flow of words is energizing, rocking in at the level of a cheer or a high powered song, I would suggest that more imagery could be injected to slow the pace a bit and build more impact for some of the senses. The mental imagery works to get the heart rate up, but drawing some visuals for my hearing, vision, smell and taste would have put me personally right into the action.
 
*Coffeer* EDIT/REVISION
 
Besides my suggestions in the previous section I was not aware of any need for edit or revision.
 
*Coffeer* IN SUMMARY
 
This poem is designed to sing to youth about being active and dynamic in their approach to situations. There is a tremendous amount of energy in every line that commands the napping to wake up and take a firm grasp on life. Definitely a stirring read. Keep up the great work! *Smile*
 
I hope my thoughts and feelings are a help. Let me know if you have any questions about my review.
 
Kind Regards,

~Kenword~ *MugR*
 

Reviewer For Paper Doll Gang


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212
212
Review of Tagaytay  
Review by ♫~ Kenword~♫
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
  ** Image ID #1739575 Unavailable **

 
Hello Beautiful Candy
 
I read "Tagaytayfrom your portfolio, as suggested in the "Gang's Monthly Review Board. I enjoyed reading your article and I am delighted to share with you some of my thoughts and feelings your piece inspired.
 
My review is based on the images and feelings your words inspired during my various readings. While I may select some areas of your work that I feel could benefit from some rewriting, I prefer to focus on how your piece made me feel, and the images that made a lasting impression on me. Please take what you think is appropriate and disregard the rest.

 
*Coffeer* FIRST IMPRESSION
 
The place where pineapple grows. It is a place that is “dreamy”, “breathtaking” and “picturesque” and my desire is to come one day to this paradise on earth and experience the “fresh air,” and the “sweet scent of the plants.” Tagaytay must be a divine place to be.
 
*Coffeer* THEME
 
Except for the challenges of being a place sought out by many tourists, it would seem that Tagaytay is a great place to live life. You describe your new homeland with respect and honor and those around you must love your passion for your country.
 
*Coffeer* STRUCTURE
 
The article is written from a first person perspective, listing the attributes of a farming and tourist community and then filling in details about this wonderful place.
 
*Coffeer* THE PARTS I ENJOYED
 
These are some of my favorite images:


Since it is a mountain ridge, the all-year round cool climate creates a dreamy yet breathtaking fog-covered isolated-like place.

 
  *Bulletb* *Giftb*  *Bulletb* *Giftb*  *Bulletb* *Giftb*  

The fresh air, the sweet scent of the plants and flowers, and its attractive tropical colors provide relief to the weary soul living in the hectic and tiring schedule of the urban life.

 
  *Bulletb* *Giftb*  *Bulletb* *Giftb*  *Bulletb* *Giftb*  

The laid-back atmosphere reflects the slow pace in business because most residents prefer to live on whatever their own land produced.

 
  *Bulletb* *Giftb*  *Bulletb* *Giftb*  *Bulletb* *Giftb*  
 
*Coffeer* SUGGESTIONS
 
I enjoyed the descriptive language you used to give a general impression of what life is like in Tagaytay.
 
My only suggestion would be to occasionally offer the reader more of a micro view of the province. Maybe by focusing on a family and their day to day activities and what businesses a tourist might see when coming to Tagaytay would add value to your reader's experience.

*Coffeer* EDIT/REVISION
 
There was one edit I would suggest:
 
Therefore, if a business has to be put up, one has to be creative and has have sufficient back-up funds, since it would entirely rely on the tourists who are driving up here mostly on weekends.
 
*Coffeer* IN SUMMARY
 
Your descriptions of Tagaytay make a strong case for coming to visit what appears to be heaven on earth. With more specifics, your article could make me feel that I have already come for a visit and had the time of my life.
 

Please let me know if you have any questions regarding my review.
 
Kind Regards,

~Kenword~ *MugR*
 
 
Reviewer For Paper Doll Gang





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213
213
Review of Moused Date  
Review by ♫~ Kenword~♫
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This review is part of the 2014"I Write in June-July-August forum on Writing.com.

 
Hello bas
 
As a member of the "I Write in June-July-August group, I read "Moused Date  from your portfolio. I enjoyed reading your story and I am delighted to share with you some of my thoughts and feelings your piece inspired.
 
My review is based on the images and feelings your words inspired during my various readings. While I may select some areas of your work that I feel could benefit from some rewriting, I prefer to focus on how your story made me feel and the images that made a lasting impression on me. Please take what you think is appropriate and disregard the rest.

 
*Coffeer* FIRST IMPRESSION
 
I love the coy interplay between Sid and Nina. Their romance is obviously to the point where passion will be their guide. You have created a wonderful scenario in which Nina is pleased with all of Sid's flirting, charm and outward appearances. She is charmed by it all except for one glaring exception.
 
*Coffeer* THEME
 
There is a mouse in the house and it is not a boon to Sid's plans for a romantic evening.
 
*Coffeer* STRUCTURE
 
The plot is revealed through alternating paragraphs that contrast the facts of a blooming romance with the reality of how Sid's evening actually ends. I love the form you use to keep me interested in what fate may await the nuisance, and the fate of the sweet romance that was in full blossom. It was kind of like observing two trains approaching each other on the same track. One really can't afford to look away from the pending tragedy, though you know its going to be awful and compelling.
 
*Coffeer* WHAT I ENJOYED
 
The characters of Sid and Nina are sharp and clear in my mind and from Sid's perspective it is fun to observe how everything so perfect suddenly became a nightmare.
 
A date that had started like a dream, with a great dance, a wonderful dinner and then a beautiful drive back to his place, had ended like a nightmare. .

  *Bulletb* *Giftb*  *Bulletb* *Giftb*  *Bulletb* *Giftb*  
Sid saw its whiskers peeping out from behind the table as it moved towards the trap.

  *Bulletb* *Giftb*  *Bulletb* *Giftb*  *Bulletb* *Giftb*  
Sid had leaned forward to the flirting lips and smooched her out of the lift, their lips parting only when they reached the door of his flat.

  *Bulletb* *Giftb*  *Bulletb* *Giftb*  *Bulletb* *Giftb*  


*Coffeer* SUGGESTIONS
 
I love the pace of your story. The flips between what was happening on Nina and Sid's date and the present, where a trap is laid for the intruder, is extremely well done. Given the limits of the contest, you were able to convey in just a few words a very complete story. My only suggestion, because it is a great story, with unique components, would be to expand it into a full length short story. Great concept over all.
 

*Coffeer* EDIT/REVISION
 
There was one edit I would recommend:
 
"You are a great company to be with" She had said leaning into him on the lift, flirting her lips close to hers his.
 

*Coffeer* IN SUMMARY
 
When romance is in the air and everything has gone so well, shouldn't true love blossom? Well sometimes real life can just be too big an interruption. Relationships do have to endure some incredibly stupid things sometimes to flourish. Hopefully Sid and Nina can give it another go, now that nature has been tamed. Superbly done!
 
Please let me know if you have any questions regarding my review.
 
Kind Regards,

~Kenword~ *MugR*
 
 
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Review by ♫~ Kenword~♫
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (5.0)
** Image ID #1739575 Unavailable **
 
Hello Prosperous Snow Valentine
 
I read "Randomized Christmas Memoriesfrom your portfolio. I enjoyed reading your poem and I am delighted to share with you some of my thoughts and feelings your piece inspired.
 
My review is based on the images and feelings I enjoyed through several readings of your poem. While I may select some areas of your work that I feel could benefit from some rewriting, I prefer to focus on how your poem made me feel, and the images that made a lasting impression on me. Please take what you think is appropriate and disregard the rest.

 
*Coffeer* FIRST IMPRESSION
 
Your poem is a gracious look a Christmas' past with a blend of images of the outward surroundings with the inward thoughts of the heart.
 
The form of the poem fits well with the theme of Christmas memories.
 
*Coffeer* THEME
 
The memories of Christmas are recaptured and put together in a random way so that I am given an opportunity to experience the child-like wonder of this special holiday.
 
*Coffeer* STRUCTURE
 
I loved the unique rhyming scheme of your poem. I especially enjoyed the way consonant rhymes of “rd” and “ts” worked to give a broader selection of words, helping to bring in fresh images.
 
*Coffeer* WHAT I ENJOYED
 
These are some of my favorite images:

For the jingle of sleigh bells I yearn,
My eyes blink and close, I grow tired,

 
  *Bulletb* *Giftb*  *Bulletb* *Giftb*  *Bulletb* *Giftb*  

The Night Before Christmas I learn,
Is the peanut brittle hard,
My grandmother sings as she knits,

 
  *Bulletb* *Giftb*  *Bulletb* *Giftb*  *Bulletb* *Giftb*  

Snow blankets my grandparents’ yard,
By the window, a Christmas tree sets,..

 
  *Bulletb* *Giftb*  *Bulletb* *Giftb*  *Bulletb* *Giftb*  
 
*Coffeer* SUGGESTIONS
 
For me, your poem is perfect in every way. It was a pleasure to read and extremely satisfying to read again and again.
 
*Coffeer* EDIT/REVISION
 
I was not aware of any need for any edits or revision.

*Coffeer* IN SUMMARY
 
For me Christmas has been one of those joyous holidays that I sometimes take lightly. It sometimes seems to be something to endure and lasts too long. Then it is suddenly over. The memories are always a delight to reflect on and cherish though, as your poem reminds me. Your memories are captured beautifully in your poem and I appreciate the unique structure and rhymes. I will keep this as a holiday treasure as Christmas comes again soon.
 
Please let me know if you have any questions regarding my review.
 
Kind Regards,

~Kenword~ *MugR*
 
 
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215
215
Review of Nix  
Review by ♫~ Kenword~♫
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
** Image ID #1739575 Unavailable **

I chose to review your item today as part of my review challenge at the "Invalid Item.
 
Hello Jeff
 
My review of "Nix is based on the images and feelings your words inspired during my various readings. While I may select some areas of your work that I feel could benefit from some rewriting, I prefer to focus on how your story made me feel, and the images that made a lasting impression on me. Please take what you think is appropriate and disregard the rest.

 
*Coffeer* FIRST IMPRESSION
 
There is a lot of great action in this story. Supernatural powers take center stage, as a special unit of one within the LAPD, must deal with criminals who use their super powers to terrorize the city. The protagonist, Natasha Nixon, goes by the nickname Nix. A name that suits her well, as her primary super power is neutralizing the powers of other supers.
 
After a bit of background to set the stage, I am drawn into Nix' first battle. I enjoyed the descriptions of the combatants' skills, and was thoroughly entertained as these skills were demonstrated.
 
*Coffeer* THEME
 
How does a society combat evil forces that are constantly mutating? We may never have an answer that completely satisfies, but it is wonderful to dream about a world where extreme destructive forces are always met my a forces for good that are just as powerful. Those who protect and defend don't always succeed in their efforts, but civilization always hopes for a Natasha Nixon, a super force who is ever adapting to neutralize the powers of evil.
 
*Coffeer* STRUCTURE
 
The story of Nix is written in the third person from the point of view of Natasha. There are a few paragraphs that explain why the Los Angeles Police Department needs a supernatural department and how Natasha became that department.
 
From there the story kicks into high gear with some entertaining dialog and swift character interaction.
 
*Coffeer* WHAT I ENJOYED MOST
 
These are some of my favorite parts:

Nix watched as several officers surrounded him and started beating him with their nightsticks, closing around him in an ever-tightening circle, until BAM! The Asian guy broke free with a wave of concussive force that sent each officer flying back several feet.

 
The Asian man turned to them with a slight smile on his face. Then he turned around, lifted up the freight container he had been stowed away in, and tossed it in their direction like it was nothing more than a horseshoe. Officers scattered and Nix stepped out of the way as the freight container came hurtling toward them... and landed right on Nix's brand new, fully-loaded Dodge Charger, flattening it like a pancake.
 
...she hated the implication that what she did was somehow impressive or noteworthy because all she did was nullify the amazing feats that other people could do. She longed for a super power of her own, or at least the opportunity to manifest someone else's and have a little fun once in a while.

 
These are great action sequences followed by a reflective moment where the reader is given an opportunity to know more about our super hero and her deepest desires.
 
*Coffeer* SUGGESTIONS
 
I would like to make two suggestions. The first is to go ahead and put Natasha right into the action in the first paragraph. I think it would work to bump the paragraph where she is rebuffed by the police chief and then accepted when he finds out who she is. I personally love all the descriptive paragraphs. As a Clive Cussler fan, I know you have to have them, they are great, but your audience would probably broaden if you decreased their importance in the story just a bit.
 
My other suggestion is that you may want to consider writing this story in the first person. Natasha is a great character and in the moments where she is musing about her powers and the forces she is facing, we are practically in her head anyway. Everything the reader sees, hears and knows comes from her directly. I love her tone and attitude and I think it would be an even more entertaining story to have her relate the details of her action packed world to us with her unique voice.
 
*Coffeer* EDIT/REVISION
 
Other than what was mention in the previous section, I was not aware of any need for edits or revision.
 
*Coffeer* IN SUMMARY
 
I loved reading this most imaginative story. It is an awesome blend of action and narration with some entertaining scenes where great characters display their supernatural powers. Natasha is easy to relate to and flow with, and getting to know her world through her eyes is a delight.
 
Beautifully done! Thank you for sharing your gift.
 
Please let me know if you have any questions regarding my review.
 
Kind Regards,

~Kenword~ *MugR*
 
 
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Review of The Creature  
Review by ♫~ Kenword~♫
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
** Image ID #1739575 Unavailable **

This review is part of the 2014"I Write in June-July-August on Writing.com.

 
Hello River
 
As a member of the "I Write in June-July-August , I read "The Creature from your portfolio. I enjoyed reading your story and I am delighted to share with you some of my thoughts and feelings your piece inspired.
 
My review is based on the images and feelings your words inspired during my various readings. While I may select some areas of your work that I feel could benefit from some rewriting, I prefer to focus on how your story made me feel and the images that made a lasting impression on me. Please take what you think is appropriate and disregard the rest.

 
*Coffeer* FIRST IMPRESSION
 
This is a wonderful, humorous story where a minor nuisance becomes an all out search-and-destroy mission. For me the underlying irony during the escalation of the nuisance factor, is the fact that the main character is engaged in writing. That is always the moment the cat makes strange noises, the fans sound wonky or suddenly the refrigerator has become possessed by some demon that hisses and whirs. The source of all annoying sounds must be identified and crushed. If not the fertile imagination, instead of creating unforgettable characters, lopes merrily into the conjuring business, dreaming up hundreds of reasons, mostly ugly, for the unidentified noise. Yes. I am one with your protagonist. Root out the menace at all costs!
 
*Coffeer* THEME
 
The mind is fertile soil to grow wonderful images both real and imagined. In “The Creature” we are treated to a delicious investigation into one of life's mini-events that interrupt hatefully, the bigger mission writers are designed to engage in. Was that my cat or was that a rat? Everything in life is going to take a back seat to solving this infernal mystery. I love it!
 
*Coffeer* STRUCTURE
 
The plot develops quickly around the determination of a writer to find out what is causing a mysterious noise. The story is written in the first person, so the reader is privy to the thoughts and feelings the mysterious noise has caused. Sir Trevor, the writer's cat, balances the inner workings of the main character by giving visual clues to us that in reality, what ever is going on, is very minor.
 
The mystery of the story heightens wonderfully as the “mission” is extended into another day. A natural nuisance is introduced, “the fly”, which is a wonderful diversion, a slight-of-hand move that keeps us engaged in the story, but unaware that a dramatic resolution to the “Creature” issue is about to occur. Well done.
 
*Coffeer* WHAT I ENJOYED
 
The main character is delightful, obviously humor-filled, imaginative and real. There are golden moments in the tale that work to build my interest and appreciation for the anxiousness in the situation.
 
What could make a sound like that, and how did it get in here?  I decided to be brave and do a search and rescue mission.

  *Bulletb* *Giftb*  *Bulletb* *Giftb*  *Bulletb* *Giftb* 
 
Later that day I heard it again the sound was coming from behind me, but I couldn’t pinpoint the exact location. I did another search this one more methodical to the point of vacuuming and washing the floors that involved moving furniture. “The Creature” was not to be found.

  *Bulletb* *Giftb*  *Bulletb* *Giftb*  *Bulletb* *Giftb* 
 
A fly buzzed around the table as we sat chatting, over coffee. It was an annoying fly, the kind you just want to swat. Now and then one of us would take a swing at it, Rhoda managed to hit it once only injuring a wing.

  *Bulletb* *Giftb*  *Bulletb* *Giftb*  *Bulletb* *Giftb*  

*Coffeer* SUGGESTIONS
 
I love the pace of your story. The integration of action with the protagonist's thought process is great. I think there is one spot where you could add just a little more humor and insight into the main character's anxiousness. After imaging that the mysterious sound could be coming from mice or rats, it would be natural, since the “creature” has changed locations and is perhaps more open for its noise to be louder, for the “writer” to become so startled that the tea spills and she hits the floor prepared to engage the nuisance head on. What would she be thinking at that point, since the “Creature” has already mutated beyond reality in her fertile imagination. In that moment the curious Sir Trevor could look on with some silent communication that only cats can give when witnessing foolish human antics.
 
This is where my mind went at this juncture in your story and is just a thought to consider if you wanted another nuance to develop your story further.
 
*Coffeer* EDIT/REVISION
 
I was not aware of any need for edits or revisions for technical reasons.
 
*Coffeer* IN SUMMARY
 
The “Creature” has one flaw that will ultimately bring his reign of “interruption,” to an end . There is great humor and irony in this beautifully conceived short story. All of the issues and interactions were easy to relate to and the writing is clear and focused on giving a suspenseful twist to a seemingly ordinary mystery. Superbly done!
 
Please let me know if you have any questions regarding my review.
 
Kind Regards,

~Kenword~ *MugR*
 
 
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Review by ♫~ Kenword~♫
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
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This review is also in celebration of your participation as a "WDC Addicts Anonymous member on Writing.com.

 
Hello Angels in my Ear
 
As a member of the "WDC Addicts Anonymous, I read "The Life of Silver from your portfolio. I enjoyed reading your poem and I am delighted to share with you some of my thoughts and feelings your piece inspired.
 
My review is based on the images and feelings your words inspired during my various readings. While I may select some areas of your work that I feel could benefit from some rewriting, I prefer to focus on how your poem made me feel and the images that made a lasting impression on me. Please take what you think is appropriate and disregard the rest.

 
*Coffeer* FIRST IMPRESSION
 
What does a color feel like? What can color convey to us? And how can we possibly relate to a color's vast array of insights and perplexities? Perhaps it is impossible to know the depths of character for all the colors, but silver, it turns out, has great depths of character and emotion that the poet soul can know intimately.
 
*Coffeer* THEME
 
The color silver declares to the universe, its heart and soul, and what it perceives as its most alluring attributes. The images in your poem are striking and your use of the theme to create a beautifully lyrical song is wonderfully imaginative.
 
*Coffeer* STRUCTURE
 
Your poem is open in its variety of line length and merging of various tones and sounds. The free form works well with the theme of your poem and I enjoyed the ebb and flow of your chosen words that evoke a feeling of harmony and calm.
 

*Coffeer* WHAT I ENJOYED
 
All of your images were striking and a pleasure to meditate on. These were particularly enjoyable:
 
I am the gleam on the snow in the calming luster of the morning after the storm.
I am a trick of the light through the filter of the sorrowful sky


*Giftb*    *Giftb*    *Giftb*  

I am the crest of a wave on a moonlit night
and the tear in your baby’s eye.

*Giftb*    *Giftb*    *Giftb*  

...I slowly melt away,
and watch them shine on their own.
I remain unseen, and unnoticed, watching from a distance,
and hoping they will find their unique shade.


*Giftb*    *Giftb*    *Giftb*  

*Coffeer* SUGGESTIONS
 
The pace, voice, and rhythm of your poem are perfect. The images are exquisite and memorable. I love your poem as it is.
 
*Coffeer* EDIT/REVISION
 
I was not aware of any need for edit or revision.
 
*Coffeer* IN SUMMARY
 
Silver has a depth of emotion and character that is profoundly wise and comforting. Your vision of who silver is imparts life to all of the shades and shadows it has to offer. You remind us, in a most striking fashion, how our soul relates emotionally to the vivid and the subtle natures of color Great job!
 
Please let me know if you have any questions regarding my review.
 
Kind Regards,

~Kenword~ *MugR*
 
 
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Review of Relic Hunters  
Review by ♫~ Kenword~♫
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
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This review is part of the 2014"I Write in June-July-August on Writing.com.

 
Hello snow-hawk
 
As a member of the "I Write in June-July-August , I read "Relic Hunters from your portfolio. I enjoyed reading your story and I am delighted to share with you some of my thoughts and feelings your piece inspired.
 
My review is based on the images and feelings your words inspired during my various readings. While I may select some areas of your work that I feel could benefit from some rewriting, I prefer to focus on how your story made me feel and the images that made a lasting impression on me. Please take what you think is appropriate and disregard the rest.

 
*Coffeer* FIRST IMPRESSION
 
This was a great adventure story. I enjoyed the character of Savanah immensley. At every turn in the tale there was a lot of energy and fun. The devices you invented to surround Savanah heightens the enjoyment and pleasure in reading your story and you quickly establish that there are no limits to your imagination.
 
*Coffeer* THEME
 
We are going on a hunt for something rare, ancient and exciting. In the process of the hunt we are going to encounter dragons and dangers that are out of this world. Savanah is drawn by an intense need to uncover great mysteries of the past. She does so with a lot of charm and heart.
 
*Coffeer* STRUCTURE
 
The story is written in the present tense from Savanah's point of view. The plot is well established with a creative device within the first few paragraphs and the characters support well the advancement of the plot. The dialogue is straight forward and clear and gives one the feeling that we are very much a part of the adventure.
 

 
*Coffeer* WHAT I ENJOYED
 
Savanah is the kind of adventure hero I like to read about. She is focused, determined and quick to employ every and all invention. She looks at the challenges ahead as fun and though there is danger, it is to be looked upon as just a minor obstacle considering the rewards on the other side.
 
The dragon kept getting closer and closer to the relic hunters. They knew there was trouble when his fiery breath almost reached them. On all of Savannah's inventions is an emergency button, if pressed it will launch the airship to her current location. She pushed this button and soon after they heard the ship hurtling towards them for a rescue. As the ship caught up to them the air door opened and they both collapsed inside in a heap.

As soon as the door closed Savannah held her hand out and said, "Sebastian, look at our prize. Let's open it!”


*Coffeer* SUGGESTIONS
 
I love the pace of your story. The energy doesn't let up and the introduction of Savanah's relic hunt and what it can ultimately mean is a good hook to the story. My only suggestion would be to write a bit more description of Savanah. Her spirit is dynamic and courageous and nothing can take away from that, it would just be nice to know a little more about her style and appearance.
 
*Coffeer* EDIT/REVISION
 
Other than the suggestion in the previous section, I was not aware of any need for edit or revision.
 
*Coffeer* IN SUMMARY
 
Savannah's adventure story is a gripping tale of acquiring a relic that holds a tremendous promise. The adventure is filled with wonderful devices that are beautifully conceived and are a joy to read about. Great job!
 
Please let me know if you have any questions regarding my review.
 
Kind Regards,

~Kenword~
*MugR*
 
 
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Review of My Sweet Jasmine  
Review by ♫~ Kenword~♫
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)

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This review is part of the 2014"I Write in June-July-August on Writing.com.

 
Hello Cheddah
 
As a member of the "I Write in June-July-August , I read "My Sweet Jasmine from your portfolio. I enjoyed reading your story and I am delighted to share with you some of my thoughts and feelings your piece inspired.
 
My review is based on the images and feelings your words inspired during my various readings. While I may select some areas of your work that I feel could benefit from some rewriting, I prefer to focus on how your story made me feel and the images that made a lasting impression on me. Please take what you think is appropriate and disregard the rest.

 
*Coffeer* FIRST IMPRESSION
 
While “My Sweet Jasmine,” is fiction, it has a powerful, heart charging realistic feel to it that is gripping. Jasmine and Lillian, so alike in many ways, dynamic, compassionate, take charge, are now on the brink of a new phase of life that tests their resolve to the core. Alzheimer's disease is the enemy, and the toll that it takes on both mother and daughter is deadly. At the same time there is Rick, the husband and son-in-law of Lillian who has become tired of being second consideration in his wife's world.
 
*Coffeer* THEME
 
Aging, disease that affects the brain, and the soul power it takes for all of those involved to sustain a reasonable quality of life is a compelling theme. Your writing style, with awesome attention to detail, paints a clear, if somewhat disturbing picture, of all of the critical challenges ahead for those who have a disorder related to aging and those who are the caregivers.
 
*Coffeer* STRUCTURE
 
The story is written in the third person from the perspective of Jasmine. While much of the story is about her mother Lillian, Jasmine has the center stage. The reader is shown vividly the frightening, sobering elements of providing safety, care and love for an ailing parent.
 
In Jasmine's life there are visions of support for her resolve in the guise of her mother's doctor and her husband, but she faces the crisis of that support contradicting her care giver instincts. It is through her mind's eye that I am drawn completely into the story, to experience with her the pain and suffering of losing my most cherished relationship one moment at a time.
 
*Coffeer* WHAT I ENJOYED
 
Jasmine is a star. I enjoyed the scenes you created that showed exactly how she must be for her mother now, and the way her mother behaves after years of being a woman of great strength, courage and resolve. Lillian's life has become chaotic and random and the images you have created that show how the ever vigilant Jasmine is almost victimized by her deep compassionate care are beautiful and emotionally charged.

Lillian grabbed her small vinyl purse and slung it over her shoulder as if it were a knapsack. The top of the dirty white bag flipped open and a tube of cheap, red lipstick fell to the floor. Lillian and Jasmine both bent to pick it up, and they nearly bumped heads.

"That's mine," Lillian warned in a low voice, much like the possessive snarl of a dog.

Jasmine immediately pulled her hand back. "I know, Mom."

They both stood, and with lipstick in hand, Lillian turned on one foot and marched into the doctor's office. Jasmine followed, stomach churning, praying silently the visit would go well.


*Coffeer* SUGGESTIONS
 
I love the pace of your story. The character development was excellent and the scenes you chose to show the waring elements in Jasmine's life were superb. I think the story is perfect the way it is. Well done!
 
*Coffeer* EDIT/REVISION
 
I was not aware of any need for edit or revision.
 
*Coffeer* IN SUMMARY
 
Your writing is clear, focused and dynamic, as you show beautifully the deep emotional prices one pays as one gives their all to serve someone they love, despite the pains, emotional strains and lack of support. Great job!
 
Please let me know if you have any questions regarding my review.
 
Kind Regards,

~Kenword~
*MugR*
 
 
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Review by ♫~ Kenword~♫
Rated: E | (4.5)
** Image ID #1739575 Unavailable **

Hi there Avalyn
 
I am ♫~ Kenword~♫ , a fellow author on Writing.com (WdC). It is my pleasure to welcome you to WdC and I am delighted to discuss one of your first postings to the site.

I chose  "Thoughts on the Beatitudes, Part I to read from the Read A Newbie Forum of WdC. I enjoyed reading your article and I am glad to offer a review of what I read.
 
My review is based solely on impressions and feelings your essay inspired. While I may suggest some structural alterations, I prefer to lend my feelings and impressions in the hopes that they may help and encourage. Please take what you think is appropriate and disregard the rest.

 
*Coffeer* FIRST IMPRESSION
 
Your writing skill and your ability to open up scriptural truth are wonderfully matched. You carefully take verses 2 through 5 of Matthew chapter 5, and offer your personal insights of what is being conveyed in these scriptures. Along the way, you also shine a light on what is and isn't the Gospel and the hope there is for those who are born into the Kingdom and live their lives through the empowerment of the Holy Spirit.
 
*Coffeer* THEME
 
Your essay is focused, unwaveringly, on the key principles that Jesus taught his disciples during the Sermon on the Mount. You draw on Adam Clarke's commentary to help the reader understand the word "blessed" and to bring clarity to misunderstood concepts like “poverty of spirit”, “those who mourn” and “meekness”. Beyond being a helpful meditation on Christ's teaching, your words inspire confidence for the reader to look more closely at how biblical teaching can be a personal, rewarding experience.
 
*Coffeer* STRUCTURE
 
Your essay appears to be the core of a much larger work. It suspends the use of an opening declaration of thesis or point of view, and launches directly into an exposition of what each of the verses teach. Your thesis grows out of the content of your essay and the context of the scripture you are writing about, so the whole piece workers as a comprehensive exposition of the chosen scriptures.
 
*Coffeer* WHAT I LIKED
 
These are some areas that resonated well as I studied your article:

The Sermon on the Mount does not present the way of salvation but the nature of the kingdom built around those who are already saved. As such, it was addressed primarily to Jesus’ disciples rather than to the crowd at large. It was never meant as a code of ethics by which men could make themselves righteous; instead, it described the attitudes and behavior that should mark citizens of God’s kingdom.

________ ____ _______ ____

Poverty in spirit does not mean creeping through life like a mouse nor does it speak of material poverty, although the Greek word translated “poverty” commonly indicates a state of absolute destitution and need.

_________ _________ ________
 
True meekness or gentleness is a function of recognizing one’s true status before God. Those who understand that they have absolutely no personal merit before God and that everything they have comes to them out of grace can live their lives in a spirit of gratitude and giving. On the other hand, an entitled attitude leads naturally to greed, striving, unhealthy competitiveness, and vengefulness.

_______ __________ ______________
 
Your thoughts are beautifully expressed and convey not only what the essence of the Gospel is, but also what it is not. I am especially struck by the conclusion of your thoughts where my concern is heightened for those who consume life with an “entitled attitude” expecting the keys to the Kingdom to be handed to them. God is indeed merciful, but as you point out it is a mercy that welcomes the poor in spirit.
 
*Coffeer* SUGGESTIONS
 
Your article is certainly aligned with the Writing.com categories and the title you chose. I believe too that it meets the expectation of readers who are looking for inspiration through the exposition of a Biblical teaching. I would suggest that to broaden the interest for this piece that you may want to narrow the focus in order to tie the exposition together more tightly. A thesis statement, or opening declaration of your intended premise, might increase the power in your teaching and may serve as additional inspiration for your reader as well.
 
As your title indicates, these are indeed some thoughts on this portion of scripture. I think they are well founded and I know that most of what you expressed is from traditional teaching, all of which I have received over the years. As a thoughtful piece, the premise of sharing your insights is well conceived and exceptionally well expressed, but I think a wonderful way to expand your thoughts and add inspiration for your readers would be to add applications from your own experiences or the experiences of others. Most Christian writing of a thoughtful nature trends most helpfully towards a form of devotional writing that serves to teach as well as inspire. This is something that your piece could easily transition to, the hope being that more people would be blessed by your keen insights.
 
Another option would be to approach the subject of your dissertation as more of a “think piece,” with some examples of the Lord's teaching from the lives and events recorded in the old testament. Again, the thought here is to engage a broader audience and expand the value of this teaching opportunity.
 
*Coffeer* EDIT/REVISION
 
Other than my previous suggestions I was not aware of any need for revision or edits.
 
*Coffeer* IN SUMMARY
 
When Jesus completed his teaching, people were in awe. Not only had he taught in a way that transcended the teachings of anyone the people had heard, but he taught also with an authority that no one had ever experienced before. Your eloquent writing has capture, with beautiful insight and skilled writing, what made Jesus' words and teachings so profound and authoritative. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and observations in such a comprehensive way.
 
Let me know if you have any questions about my review.
 
Kind Regards,
 

~Kenword~ *MugR*
 
 
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Review by ♫~ Kenword~♫
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (5.0)
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I chose to review your item today as part of my review challenge at the "Invalid Item.
 
Hello Ԝ€ß☆ԜiʈCH
 
My review is based on the images and feelings your words inspired during my various readings. While I may select some areas of your work that I feel could benefit from some rewriting, I prefer to focus on how your poem made me feel, and the images that made a lasting impression on me. Please take what you think is appropriate and disregard the rest.

 
*Coffeer* FIRST IMPRESSION
 
As I reread your poem I meditated on a few of the images you have created and I am comparing them to the woodland scene in a beautiful painting that a friend of our family did. There is a mirror effect in the painting that is created by the water in a lake. Around the lake are the hardwoods and conifers brilliantly reflected in the mirror-like surface of the water. Until reading your poem I had not thought to compare the reflections with the real; to see which would be more perfect. Nor have I thought to compare the reflection with the real when I look at the wonder of autumn reflected in Lake Ballinger. I will now. Looking into the mirror of your poem has taught me something. Another way to look at nature. I am more urban than country now. I am too often a hollow souled commuter who has forgotten the farm and Old man Sprague's pond. But Ballinger Lake calls. Five steps out of the city. What will I see today, mirrored in its shimmering beauty?
 
*Coffeer* WHAT DREW ME IN
 
“Reflections Revealed” speaks to the weary man inside me that has tackled the challenges of life and beaten down the primal instincts within my soul to be irresponsible. I've worked the work, been promoted, embraced fatherhood, hugged the future with a big family hug and become invincible. Reflections are now a big part of my every breath. So what do I want to view today? What will be more perfect? What “pacifies the soul”? Anything that takes me from viewing my present life can only be a reflection. This breath takes me to the past and finds the perfect moment to reflect on and my reflected moment becomes a lens that colors my view of this day with hope, invincibility, strength and joy.
 
*Coffeer* THEME
 
Life in the woodlands and the image cast as reflection seen in the “current's striped ripples,” is urgent. What the eye may hunger to see is not the perfection in either the reality of the woodland scene or the perfection in what is reflected, but rather the “symbiotic”; the true harmony that exists between the two images.
 
The theme of your poem speaks lyrically and gently of the conflict between the heart's perception of the ever changing landscape around us. Nature will often open to the eye an opportunity for a momentary “still shot” that is both real and reflection. For the one who is taken to a state of bliss by this moment there is a “banquet of clarity.”
 
*Coffeer* STRUCTURE
 
“Reflections Revealed” is written with lyrical beauty in a free verse form that flows with so much ease that I am not only thrilled by the images and theme, but also by the sounds of music in each line. There is a complete thought in each verse that ties seamlessly with the inquiries and suppositions of the following verses. Feelings of pastoral and philosophical imaging blend together beautifully offering the senses an opportunity to find more and more pleasure with each reading.
 
*Coffeer* WHAT I LIKED
 
Without going into a lot of detail these are the images that knocked me out:

Admiring your stillness;
sharply focused, exact, so pleasing,
this inspiring still shot of nature.

 
_______________________________

Symbiotic sensation, satisfies the senses;
celebrating the eye feast set forth,
a banquet of clarity
that pacifies the soul...

 
_________________________________________

...the currents' striped ripples,
percolate an image
intensely warped...

 
___________________________________________
 
*Coffeer* SUGGESTIONS
 
I love the blend of everything in your poem. Feelings are evoked from the words that hint of color, sound, touch, and smell. There is a tension between the action of the season moving on, and the demands of a still life snap shot to linger one more moment and enjoy the harmony between vision and reflection. I would not know any way to improve on what you have created in your poem. For me it contains so many delights, I'm too satisfied with the experience to think of anything more.
 
*Coffeer* EDIT/REVISION
 
I was not aware of any need for any edits or revision.
 
*Coffeer* IN SUMMARY
 
“Reflections Revealed,” charmed me gently into a place of deep reverie that disarmed all my resistance to thoughtful meditation. Your poem, for me, became more than beautiful images. It developed into a road to some deeper reflection of my own. I have come to live blissfully in the sweet moments of reflection. Now I have a new consideration as I journey on that road. My resolve is to see reflections and reality, not as in conflict, but rather as symbiotically forming new vision; a harmonious marriage of reality and reflection. Thank you.
 
Beautifully done! Thank you for sharing your gift.
 
Please let me know if you have any questions regarding my review.
 
Kind Regards,

~Kenword~ *MugR*
 
 
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Review by ♫~ Kenword~♫
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Rated: ASR | (4.0)
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Hello Maryann
 
My review is based on the images and feelings your words inspired during my various readings. While I may select some areas of your work that I feel could benefit from some rewriting, I prefer to focus on how your story made me feel, and the images that made a lasting impression on me. Please take what you think is appropriate and disregard the rest.

 
*Coffeer* FIRST IMPRESSION
 
I love the Roaring Twenties and your story elaborates on some of the highlights of that age that are a reminder of what was gained and what was lost for American's during that period in American History.
 
It took several readings to appreciate what you are doing in this wonderful narrative. At the first reading I probably would have classified your piece as a historical, biographical account of
two fictional family members. With some additional meditation, I realized that the protagonist is an adolescent reporting or telling about her unique relationship with her famous mother. She is taken by the culture, fads, inventions and innovations that give her a great appreciation for the age into which she has been born.
 
*Coffeer* THEME
 
A young girl writes a narrative about her mother's life and the wonders that are all around them. She makes reference to some innovations in transportation, psycho-analysis, fashion, media and entertainment. As she sets the scene for the world she and her mom share, she reveals that she has developed a taste for the “funny papers,” and fan magazines. She refers to her time as, the “Roaring Twenties”, and her mom's favorite music as “jazz age,” perhaps revealing that one of her disciplines is to read the current media, allowing it to influence how she sees and describes her world.
 
A mother's love and how it nurtures the child, receives an unusual treatment in this story. The girl is aware that her mother is a trend setter and is amused about how the world responds to the image the movie studios have created for her. But she has some suspicions about her mother's passion for body language. Especially since her mom's voice is so incredible.
 
*Coffeer* STRUCTURE
 
The first person narrative works to convey the emotions and special connections the narrator has for her mother. She sets the scenes and controls the flow of what is to be comprehended by the reader in a way that is charming and sometimes illusive. I think she is hoping that I will search deeper between the lines.
 
*Coffeer* PLEASURES
 
These are some of my favorite parts:

A lot of our snobby neighbors shun us because mom looks like a flapper. It’s like they don’t understand that this is all part of being a star. They don’t like how she dresses because she wears thin, fringed, knee-length skirts and long pearl necklaces.

 
__The narration moves steadily from portraying the life of a movie star's child as being like everyone else, to the elements that do indeed set them apart.________

A lot of people invent fads in order to imitate my mother. One fad is to pluck their eyebrows just the way mom does. People also buy similar hats as she wears, from mail-order catalogs. All of my friends are envious that my mother is the star of silent films.
 
___These images are great. More than a movie star, she is a trendsetter._____

The Sigmund Freud followers could try to calculate the personality of my celebrity mom all they want, but I know how she really is. I’m proud that my mother is a silent film star.

 
__The girl has a powerful moment in her narrative to defend her mother's devotion to nurturing her daughter.________
 
*Coffeer* SUGGESTIONS
 
It took a few readings to grasp fully the best way to approach your story. It seemed like a school report at first, and it took some re-interpretation of what I was reading to grasp that the viewpoint of the girl is just that. It is her proclamation to the world of what it is like to be the child of a movie star. I know it probably should have been obvious, but it took a while to accept the concept. After I was comfortable with that element I really began to enjoy the story.
 
I think my enjoyment would have occurred sooner if a stronger plot would have emerged early in the story. There are a number of areas in the story where a plot could be developed. Any one would have served to clarify the girl's motivation for telling her mother's side of things. The strongest and most obvious was the mother's interaction with the science teacher. It was a dramatic moment that clearly portrayed the movie star as being out of touch with how school works and yet showed too, how far she was willing to go to protect her daughter from any and all ill treatment.
 
This suggestion concerning the plot is mainly about my comfort zone and ability or lack thereof to interpret correctly what is being told or shown in a story. If I have over analyzed your work or read too much into the narrative I apologize.
 
*Coffeer* EDIT/REVISION
 
There was one place where an edit may be in order:
 
I will see the world the way a birds [bird] sees the world. The clouds must look like cotton, and the houses must look like dollhouses! I am definitely looking forward to that dreamy experience.
 
*Coffeer* IN SUMMARY
 
How would the daughter of a silent movie star of the 1920's write about her life? What would be her main concerns? I appreciate first of all that your girl approaches the role she has in life and the world around her with charm, grace, tolerance and amazement. Do our children today look at the amazing technology, industry and culture around them with amazement? Tolerance? Probably not as much as they should, and certainly not as much as the movie star's daughter. She is fabulously rich with the grand life around her and her speculations of what is to come are a total delight.
 
Beautifully done! Thank you for sharing your gift.
 
Please let me know if you have any questions regarding my review.
 
Kind Regards,

~Kenword~ *MugR*
 
 
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223
223
Review of Forgotten  
Review by ♫~ Kenword~♫
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
This review is part of the 2014 "I Write in June-July-August  Challenge on Writing.com.

 
Hello bas
 
As a member of the "I Write in June-July-August , I read "The Fight  from your portfolio. I enjoyed reading your story and I am delighted to share with you some of my thoughts and feelings your piece inspired.
 
My review is based on the images and feelings your words inspired during my various readings. While I may select some areas of your work that I feel could benefit from some rewriting, I prefer to focus on how your story made me feel and the images that made a lasting impression on me. Please take what you think is appropriate and disregard the rest.

 
*Coffeer* FIRST IMPRESSION
 
This is a compelling and pleasant deviation from your recent stories that have focused on action and adventure. You capture the emotions of loss and depression in a unique fashion, and with a very creative voice. I am also impressed that this piece, written to exactly 200 words, keeps a natural, easy flow to it through out, without being constrained by the word requirements in any way.
 
*Coffeer* THEME
 
The issue of loosing everything is beautifully captured through the eyes of Timothy, a pet left behind in this world, and at the mercy of a family that does not care for him.
 
Timothy reveals the nature and quality of the estate left to his master's bickering children. Through these images, I draw the conclusion that an icy habitat, devoid of life and pleasure, is all that remains for Timothy.
 
*Coffeer* STRUCTURE
 
The story unfolds as I am led to experience what remains for the life of Timothy and his devastated world. The voice of Timothy and his point of view is extremely well focused and clearly reveals character motivations and concisely sums up Timothy's fate.
 
*Coffeer* PLEASURES
 
These are some of the images that were particularly compelling:

Memories of his master calling him with love brought tears to his eyes.

 
_______________________

Timothy looked around,leaking and covered with moss, the house abandoned and forgotten just like him.
 
_____________________________________

Timothy,who stood there watching the tail light of the cars fade away.

 
__________________________________________
 
These lines offer the reader a real inside look into the way Timothy feels and perceives his world. Your story, as these images show, offers to the reader a fresh perspective on love and loss.

*Coffeer* SUGGESTIONS
 
Given the parameters in which your story was created I would not have any suggestions on how to improve the piece. I do think that Timothy's voice and perspective is a powerful one that if expanded into a larger piece would make for some very entertaining reading.
 
*Coffeer* EDIT/REVISION
 
This is the only edit I would suggest:
 
“Timothy,who stood there watching the tail light of the cars [car's] fade away.
 
______________________________________
 
*Coffeer* IN SUMMARY
 
What does Timothy know of the world that was and the world that now is since his master has died? Whatever he knows, his vision, insight and voice for expressing his views is beautifully crafted and left me with a sweet memory of spending time with such a wonderful animal. Well done. *Thumbsup*
 
Please let me know if you have any questions regarding my review.
 
Kind Regards,

~Kenword~
*MugR*
 
 
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Review of The Fight  
Review by ♫~ Kenword~♫
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
This review is part of the 2014 I Write Challenge "I Write in June-July-August on Writing.com.

 
Hello bas
 
As a member of the "I Write in June-July-August , I read "The Fight  from your portfolio. I enjoyed reading your story and I am delighted to share with you some of my thoughts and feelings your piece inspired.
 
My review is based on the images and feelings your words inspired during my various readings. While I may select some areas of your work that I feel could benefit from some rewriting, I prefer to focus on how your story made me feel and the images that made a lasting impression on me. Please take what you think is appropriate and disregard the rest.

 
*Coffeer* FIRST IMPRESSION
 
Super good action with an edgy undertone. Considering your story is for a contest with a 300 word limit, you manage to get a broad scope to your story to make it a compelling read.
 
*Coffeer* THEME
 
Vengeance and claiming a throne-a kingdom is a neat, compact theme for your story. It brings a strong motivation to the heart of your main character Reed, and keeps the plot solidly focused through the heart of your story.
 
*Coffeer* STRUCTURE
 
The story's action is experienced through the protagonist in the third person. He has a strong influence on what the reader is going to know and understand and his insight and perceptions come through the dialogue and scene set-ups clearly.
 
*Coffeer* PLEASURES
 
These are some of the images that were particularly stimulating:

Dein dug his claws into the ground, standing at the edge of the ring, to restrian himself from charging at his opponent, Reed.

 
_Contest is set from the opening sentence *Thumbsup* _____

"A king is always chosen only when he defeats
his competitors in the arena"

 
__A clear declaration of what the will of the people is._*Thumbsup*__

Their eyes locked into each others, Reed and Dein, stepped into the arena, circling around it slowly.

 
__A solid reminder that combat is primal. From the soul.__*Thumbsup*_
 
*Coffeer* SUGGESTIONS
 
The only suggestion I would propose is that in the sentence: “And who dares challenge my son,” King looked proudly..., it would be more clear to refer to the speaker as: "King Wand." I admit that I had to go back and put two and two together to understand that the King and Wand were the same person.
 
*Coffeer* EDIT/REVISION
 
These are a few areas that need some editing:
 
“That is against the rules,” Reed had steeped [stepped] forward,..
 
__________________

“And who dares challenge my son[?]” [add question mark after “son”
 
__________________{c}
 
“...Reed and Dein, stepped into the arena, circliing [circling] around it slowly.
 
__________________{c}
*Coffeer* IN SUMMARY
 
Good action and character interaction make this story a highly enjoyable read. The characters definitely have potential for additional development. The story seems to live in a bigger universe where there is a lot to be told. Great work!
 
Please let me know if you have any questions regarding my review.
 
Kind Regards,

~Kenword~
*MugR*
 
 
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225
225
Review by ♫~ Kenword~♫
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews*CakeP*


Hello Alice
 
Today I read "If You Know What's Good For You from your portfolio. I was glad to read and review your work, as a way of saying, “Congratulations On Your Writing.com Anniversary!” I enjoyed reading your work and I am delighted to share with you some of my thoughts and feelings your story inspired.
 
My review is based on the images and feelings your words inspired during my various readings. While I may select some areas of your work that I feel could benefit from some rewriting, I prefer to focus on how your story made me feel and the images that made a lasting impression on me. Please take what you think is appropriate and disregard the rest.

 
*Coffeer* FIRST IMPRESSION
 
Your story had the beautiful dark/gray feeling of a film noir dialogue scene. In the essence of the conversation is all of the tension of hurt souls dancing one last dance together before death is to take both dancers out of the picture permanently. The sparseness of description keeps the focus on what each character has to say to the other and the reader sees clearly into the remnants of self-love, deception and betrayal.
 
*Coffeer* THEME
 
A spouse or a former lover tries to crack open a door to a relationship they themselves slammed shut.
 
It seems that the interest from the former lover is coming from her sudden awareness of John's recent promotion. If only they could get together for a simple dinner or lunch...
 
*Coffeer* STRUCTURE
 
The bleakness and austerity of the story comes as a result of carefully designed movements and actions by the protagonist, John.
 
The story is told in the third person from John's point of view. From this perspective the reader is privy to John's “mancentric” lifestyle in which he seems to have a depressive tolerance of life necessities with no room for joy or pleasure.
 
*Coffeer* PLEASURES
 
These are some of the images that were particularly pleasing to me:

A man reclines in an armchair, cigarette dangling from his left hand. On the table next to him, a black telephone is wedged between a glass of Bourbon and a wad of cash. He is captivated by the photograph he twirls in his right hand. It shows him flashes of a smiling girl every time it turns. The phone rings. He takes a puff of his cigarette and answers it.
 
__________________

Great opening paragraph. The tale of John's life is set right before him on the table as he finishes his cigarette. Perfect.

 
__________________

Silence. A woman walks from the door behind the armchair and over to the man. He hands her the wad of cash without looking up. As she leaves, the door slams behind her.

 
Four short sentences that interrupt the beginning of an awkward conversation, reveal graphically some bitter details of John's hollow life.

 
__________________
 
“If you’re too busy, we could grab lunch. I know this wonderfu-”

“No.”

“Come on. I haven’t seen you in ages. we need to catch up. The last time I saw you-”

“The last time you saw me I had a job cleaning your father’s car.”

“Yes. But you did it. You’re not cleaning cars anymore. We need to celebrate.”

“We don’t need to do anything.”

 
__________________
 
I love the quick back and forth between John and his former lover. It sums up what the relationship once was, and probably why it didn't work out. In the scene the dialogue reveals the source of John's pain, and the woman's sudden renewed interest in him. This all while her current man-love is out of town. Explosive stuff!

*Coffeer* SUGGESTIONS
 
 
I could not think of any ways to improve what you have created at this time.
 
*Coffeer* EDIT/REVISION
 
These are a few areas that need some editing:
 
 
I did not feel there was any need for edits or revision.
 
*Coffeer* IN SUMMARY
 
The only thing missing is the haunting music in the back ground to put me right in the middle of a moody Vera Caspary crafted/inspired movie. Deliciously dark and untamed. Well done – Write On!
 
Thank you for sharing your gift and talents.
 
Kind Regards,

~Kenword~ *MugR*
 
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#1300305 by Maryann

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