Good for you, being able to tell a story in so few words. Most of the folks in my family are too verbose for that, and my son even uses "Verbose" as his handle on social media.
The first thing that I would change is this: stole five high-value artwork. That just doesn't sound right, and adding an "s" to artwork doesn't sound right either. I would say "stole five high-value works of art".
This: Sam thought, “not bad for a few days work” the crew continued their crime spree for years before another scientist discovered how to track their invisible movements, and the reign of crime by the invisible gang as the media had dubbed them finally came to an end.
I would change to: Sam thought, “not bad for a few days work.” The crew continued their crime spree for years before another scientist discovered how to track their invisible movements. The reign of crime by the invisible gang, as the media had dubbed them, finally came to an end.
As for proving that they committed the crimes, I'm pretty sure that if the they tried to sell artwork from museums that eventually they would be caught.
Way back in 1969, my English teacher taught us that poetry and lyrics were one and the same. Well... When I read this as a poem, I instantly want do to a bit of tweaking, making sure that lines are more even, since reading them aloud shows that it's a bit awkward. As a poem, I would want the lines to have similar syllable lengths. Thankfully, you provided a link to your YouTube performance of this as a song. It works as a song. Whew.
As for the words, THANK YOU!!! for reminding me what we should all look forward to in the coming months. Cold and winter will not be forever. Soon we will all be able to to enjoy sunshine, and some will have the extra benefit of ocean breezes and sand between their toes.
I discovered your writing on the public reviews, and I'm glad that I did. The content was quite a surprise after reading the title and teaser. One would think that you were about to introduce us to a new romance. Instead it was about a visit to a sister. Sneaky.
Like that other reviewer, I would suggest that you change "my heart" to "her heart". The only other change would be to change "I just wanted to see how your doing" to "I just wanted to see how you're doing" since clearly you meant "you are doing".
No, dear poet, I am the lucky one! I feel lucky to have found another of your poems. And as I read it, I was counting my own blessings as well.
I noticed that you used the word "soughing" again in this one, which leads me to believe that you might be from the UK since that is where the word originates. My question to you, then, is how do you personally pronounce it - sowing or suffing?
Thanks for the positive reminder of things for which we should all be thankful. That's a great way to start the day.
I noticed your poem mentioned in public reviews. Like that reviewer, I loved your poem's title. (I'm infatuated with titles.)
Long ago, a man who earns his living writing poems told me that to truly enjoy poetry, every poem should be read aloud. Because of that, in addition to publishing poetry books, he also traveled the world reading his poems. And back then, he even put out records. (Yes, it was that long ago.)
As I read your poem, I thoroughly enjoyed it. Most lines have 8 syllables, at least one has 9 and a few have 7. In my younger years, I might have suggested a few ways to tweak that to make every line 8 syllables. But this now 71 year old - who has been writing poetry for 63 years herself - now believes that any tweaking should always be the poet's idea, especially when writing about matters of faith and God.
I think that you described being ill quite well in your poem. One thing that I learned long ago from a gentleman who earned a living writing poetry was that all poems should be read aloud to make sure that they sound like you want them to sound.
The one word that bothers me is "soughing". True, the word works. But if might make your readers stop in the midst of reading. The dictionaries tell us that you can say sowing or suffing for soughing. I might have selected a synonym, especially since the dictionaries point out that the definition is quite different in the US and the UK.
I loved your explanation of naming babies in your family. I didn't find anything that I would change.
You reminded me about the talks that my ex and I had about naming our own son. He wanted to name him after everyone. Seriously. He wanted to name our son Derek Andrew Wade Bruce John Scott Mackenzie Wilkerson. As it was, he did end up with some of those names. His birth certificate has 5 names on it.
You have become quite the reviewer. It reminds me of my early days here at Writing.com, when I did everything I could to earn gift points or free memberships.
I enjoyed reading about your musical family, and how you entertained each other.
A few tips:
Papa and Mama always played the opening number. They sang a duet eitherin Cebuano, our dialect, or any English love Song. There was one Spanish Song that they both sang and I love it even now - "Besame Mucho". Both Papa and Mama have lovely voices. Each one of us has a favorite song either a song we learned from school or the hit songs we heard over the AVEGON AM radio, our best family treasure.
She opened the piano and let me stood beside her.
Should be: let me stand beside her.
I saw this mentioned in public reviews. Unlike that reviewer, I found that having your words force me to think makes it an entertaining endeavor.
To me, poetry is like abstract art. For some, it will resonate. For others, the words will merely confuse.
I've certainly had days where the dawn became dusk much too quickly. And music beckoning one to come-hitherto rather than come-hither could probably send the brain cells of some folks tumbling one after another. Others, like me, might be inclined to let out a giggle.
I'm giving you a 5, both to offset the 1 that you received from the other reviewer and because I enjoyed waking up to cleverness.
Howdy, Tim Chiu. I saw that someone else had reviewed your poem, so I had to stop by as well. I'm not one to offer too many word changes in a poem, since I believe that poetry is like abstract art and often holds meaning only to the one who writes it and to the one about whom it is written, However,I would offer advice that I received from a gentleman who earned his living by writing poems, publishing poetry books, and doing poetry readings. He told me to always read my completed poems aloud to make sure they flowed easily. Reading our poetry aloud makes us realize if there are any awkward places.
I do have to admit that I was confused a bit when your beginning spoke about "my girlfriend", i.e. "her" and then later spoke about "you and your". If any changes are warranted, I think that's where I would begin.
I absolutely loved this poem! I know that some think that 5's are only supposed to be granted for perfection, but this chick thinks no one is perfect except God. When a poem is good, when the topic is good, and when the words are put together in a way that not only flows well but also evokes response and emotion, then doggone it, I think it deserves to have a 5 rating.
I do suggest that with every poem you write you spend time to read it aloud after you've finished. It's in the reading aloud that we find places where we can make minor tweaks without changing the intent of the words. (I learned that from a man who actually earned a living writing poetry, publishing poetry books, and doing poetry readings.)
Welcome to Writing.com. It's a fantastic place to post your thoughts for others to see and appreciate. I hope your time will be as rewarding as mine has been.
And speaking of rewards, I think this poem deserves to be rewarded. And so it shall be.
This one has an excellent message. I appreciate that.
Poetry is difficult to judge, I think. It's like abstract art - attractive to some, confusing to others. I have learned that reading it aloud helps to find the awkward places that might need a tweak here or there. For me, there's an awkwardness in reading the last verse.
You wrote:
Learn to be content with what is
Witness each day as heaven sent
Because your today is a gift
That's why they call it the present.
I might suggest:
Learn to be content with what is
Accepting whatever comes
Today is a gift wrapped just for you
A present from heaven above
Sometimes soft rhymes are better than forced ones.
This is a lesson that every child and teen should read. Daring other kids to do things or participating in dares is so wrong, and this story tells us why.
Someone else mentioned your spelling of "realised", but since you also used the word "sod" in a way not usual for American English, I'm sure "realised" is correct where you live just like "realized" is correct in the U.S.
I would, however, put spaces between paragraphs as suggested.
I'm sorry someone rated your poem so low. Perhaps there is a line or two where you could tweak it, making sure the flow or rhythm is more "perfect." But...I know that when words come because of some life experience, we don't always want to change them after they have poured from our hearts. And that I understand.
Thanks for sharing.
Blessings,
Kenzie
"Criticism, like rain, should be gentle enough to nourish a man's growth without destroying his roots." - Frank A. Clark
"We do not correct a piece of writing; in doing so, we question a life." William Stafford
Wow! Thank you for writing this! Oddly enought, I just put in my blog today that most parents have no idea what is really being taught in the public schools. Thank your for validating that idea.
I loved these paragraphs:
After reviewing the required textbook for our American History class and finding 75% of it had been rewritten to make it look like our country had no Christian heritage--to the point of outright lying--our history teacher found several video series on the Revolutionary War and WWII. We learned more in a few weeks than the previous 10 grades.
Real history is not so boring--it's the way it's presented in bland and watered-down format that bores students. Most people my age probably don't realize how dynamic and amazing our founding fathers really were--and how much they risked so that we could all be free right now, along with our armed forces throughout history.
I have tried telling parents that history is being rewritten. I have never figured out how religion could not be part of the topic when discussing England's history (and beheadings because of faith!) or in the U.S. history. It was a part of life. That's real history, not something that takes it out of there because it might offend someone. History is what is, not what we pretend or want it to be...
The only change I would suggest is where you've used "everyone that". I would use "everyone who."
Wow. This was quite an undertaking. As I read through it, it did wonder about something. I was born in 1952, so I don't remember many of TV shows until about 1956 or later. But I've seen re-runs. It seems to me that the eary 1950's shows were even a bit different than the later 50's, and much different than the 60's shows.
I have a few suggestions:
And the fact that a women had a husband and a child didn’t necessarily mean she spent her time cooking and cleaning. (a woman)
Murder She Wrote - wasn't that later than the 50's or 60's?
A individual actress in the fifties could play a variety of different roles which could range from housewife to criminal. (An indivdual)
tv is usually written TV.
My spell checker shows schoolteachers rather than school teachers.
And it shows icebox rather than ice box.
Bandleader rather than band leader.
Crewmember rathen than crew member.
He had been taken care of by an elderly relative.
(An elderly relative had taken care of him.)
Fifties televison prepared girls (television)
She was assisted by deputy sheriff Lofty Craig (Brad Johnson). (Deputy sheriff Lofty Craig (Brad Johnson) assisted her.)
Dale could shoot guns out of the bad guys hands just as well as Roy. (guy's or guys')
“Dragnet’s” Joe Friday occasionally was assisted by policewomen. (Policewomen occasionally assisted “Dragnet’s” Joe Friday.)
Young women in the sixties might not have remembered specific televison situations (television)
One more thing. If you want to make those links live, you'll need to use WritingML. instead of < >
Thanks for sharing. You've mentioned many shows I never heard about.
Howdy, Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds. This is a good beginning for a journal. Your first entry had some words that each of us should remember:
Unless you are making millions from your poems, or are even a recognized author...take the time to talk to the "little people."
Indeed. There will always be people who think they are great. (We have some at the local writer's group that meets at the bookstore.) But if you look around, you'll find others who DO want to make a few friends.
Blessings,
Kenzie
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When a poem is good, when the topic is good, and when the words are put together in a way that not only flows well but also evokes response and emotion, then doggone it, I think it deserves to have a 5 rating. 
