While you have some valid points here and some good information (and opinions), it is not well organized nor punctuated properly.
For instance, there are quite a few incomplete sentences, or just short, choppy ones.
There is much said these days concerning the pitfalls of using the Internet. You need only pick up a newspaper, or magazine. Switch on the television. Or listen to the radio to hear the horror stories. Perhaps...There is much said concerning the pitfalls of using the Internet. You need only pick up a newspaper, or magazine, switch on the television, or listen to the radio to hear the horror stories.
The Internet is like any major city, in that it has its beauty spots and its ghettos. Its high points and its fair share of lows. When it comes to the users we find online. Well these are the same people we might see on the street. An assortment of individuals from all walks of life. The reasons for going online and surfing the net are as numerous as the cars on our busy roads. Perhaps...The Internet is like any major city. It has its beauty spots and its ghettos, its high points and its fair share of lows. When it comes to the users we find online, they are the same people we might see on the street, an assortment of individuals from all walks of life.
If we look for romantic success stories of those who met via the Internet. We must look a little deeper than we might at first anticipate. Before we go any further we must look at the types of sites out there and which ones should be avoided. How about...If we look for romantic success stories of those who met via the Internet, we must look a little deeper than we might at first anticipate.
Whilst we can never be one hundred percent certain that the person we are speaking to online, is in fact who they say they are. We can make sure of a number of things. Try...Whilst we can never be one hundred percent certain that the person we are speaking to online, is who he/she claims, we can make sure of a number of things.
For one thing very few people who had no interest in extreme sports would join a group on the subject. And even if they did. How long would it be before their obvious lack of knowledge betrayed them? For one thing, very few people who had no interest in extreme sports would join a group on the subject. Even if they did, how long would it be before their obvious lack of knowledge betrayed them?
So if its love you are seeking. Look first for friendship. Allow yourself the luxury of getting to know others online, over a good few months. At least three months and preferably six. This time will give you the chance to see the other person in all their varied moods, from happy to sad and everything in between. Consider...So if its love you are seeking, look first for friendship. Allow yourself the luxury of getting to know others online, over a at least three to six months. This time will give you the chance to see the other person in all his/her varied moods, from happy to sad and everything in between.
I really am not sure what your are trying to say here.
The process of becoming a non-profit organization has to be something that takes time and proof/investigation, otherwise every people who should not have non-profit status would get them. When I worked for a church, there was a new non-profit being organized to help the poor fix their homes. The approval process took about 18 months. Meanwhile, to get started (since the organizers were able to get some grant money if they could get another non-profit to accept the money and watch over them), they convinced our church to help out. That only happened after our church did their own investigation of how the organization would work, where the grant money would go, and how much our church would be involved or responsible.
All of that makes perfect sense to me, but it appears that your writing is upset both at the time frame it takes to become a non-profit and that an existing non-profit won't help you out.
I would suggest two things:
1) Make this writing more understandable - about your own situation and what message you are trying to give.
2) That you do some proofreading on the web site you mentioned here. On that site, there are quite a few places where you have used "your" instead of "you're".
Additionally, on the site referenced, there is a story about a woman in a Target parking lot. I did a quick urban legend check and discovered this at Snopes.com: http://www.snopes.com/crime/warnings/sugared.asp If your real intent is to help others learn about fraud, I would suggest checking out stories before circulating them.
Interesting way of pondering you, me or anyone else.
Personally, I think we are who and what we were created, then we add to that original work of God's heart by the situations and occurances in our lives. Each person who speaks to us helps define us even more. Each smile or frown directed at us helps shape our lives. We are the sum total of each day of our lives, each new skill we have learned or honed, each relationship in which we participated.
That also means that tomorrow when we awaken, we will be an entirely different creature? Why? Because we have added one more day, one day of relationship activities, one more day of learning and honing to our sum.
Wow. Usually when one reads about bipolar it is not this poetic. You've done an excellent job explaining the highs and lows, the euphoria and despair. At least I think you have. It makes sense to one who does not suffer this.
This is phantastic! It must have been a challenge to spell all those words wrong. Much like asking a good singer to sing poorly. Good rhythm, good rhymes and you've made one heck of a good point. Love those last two lines.
This is great. I can see why Joe would like this poem about himself. It has that bounce and just enough repetition that it should make him take notice and hold his interest.
You have received a larger portion of life's trials than many of us. But from the story of your faith, you've learned to lean on the One who cares most.
I saw SouthernDiva's public review and just had to stop by. I'm with her. My grandmothers lived past 90 and great-grandmother until almost 100, so middle age, for me, probably started at 45 or so as well.
Love your sense of humor. Hopefully you'll keep it so that you can follow up with peri-menopause and menopause humor.
Wonderful advice written in the form of a poem. Well done. Some would say that women in particular tend to put the care of others before themselves. But is that really caring for them? I doubt it.
Thanks for the reminder. The last two verses really tell a tale.
What a surprise and an honor to be listed among these "Earth Angels." As I read through your list, I found myself nodding my head. Indeed, these folks are special.
And...
You are quite an encourater yourself, you know.
I love your poem.
Thanks for recognizing others - and me - this way. It means so much.
Thanks, Dr Taher writes again! for entering the fibromyalgia contest. Your entry showed that you DID research and try to understand, and I appreciate that. I'm sorry there were not more entries. But even if there had been, I'm certain that yours would have been a winning entry anyway.
This is certainly good advice. I loved the title (although using all capitals isn't really necessary, is it?) and the description. And the article itself was good, although short. I would replace "&" with "and" if I were you.
What a great story. Everyone needs a little magic, and that's exactly what this has. Lots of magic. I figured once the unicorn put it in her mind that she might have a pure heart, she would start acting differently. Like not embellishing?
The only problem I saw was in formatting. Perhaps because you did a cut and paste job?
The wording is quite casual, but it's obviously just like the girl would think or talk.
I noticed this mentioned in the public reviews. I agree - mostly - with that reviewer. The rhymes are good, especially since you've used soft rhymes rather than forcing them. (I do hate forced rhymes. )
The rhythm is good, but if you read this aloud you might notice a few places where you could take out a word or put one in to make it flow perfectly.
Another reviewer wondered about the sport. It sounds like it might have been gymnastics.
I understand that there was a word count restriction. Still, there are some changes I would suggest:
It didn't matter to me what people thought about my hair. It didn't matter to me what people thought about my face. It didn't matter to me what people thought about my clothes. It didn't matter to me what people thought about my body.
I would probably change this a bit, so each sentence didn't start exactly the same.
Perhaps:
It didn't matter to me what people thought about my hair, my face or my body. I didn't care what anyone thought about my clothes.
I hated her for that, and informed her of that.
Perhaps: I hated her for that and told her so.
The just shook their head at me as I walked off, pouting like a three year old who didn't get the second helping of pudding they had wanted.
Since there was only one person, "they" doesn't work.
Try: She just shook her head at me as I walked off. I pouted like a three-year-old child who didn't get the second helping of pudding she wanted.
Someone did come and talk to though.
Are you missing a word here?
Someone did come and talk to me, though.
Or...
Someone did come to talk, though.
I said I don't want to get this time.
Again, are you missing a word?
I said I don't want to get it this time.
I also wondered if the contest had a restriction from using dialogue. There are a few places where it might have worked better to actually use dialogue rather than alluding to it.
Boy can I relate. What I learned - too late - was that kids who have been abused turn into adults who often cannot see (or maybe they're just attracted to) potential future abusers.
My only suggestion would be that you need to use "an abused..." in each place where you've used "a abused...".
This is great! I'm so glad it was featured in the Author's Newsletter this week. I think you should send it to...Toastmasters or something. 'Cause I have noticed folks use "irregardless" when they speak, but rarely when the write.
Thanks for sharing. (But maybe you shouldn't make fun of fixin' to. Your prediction just might come true. )
There is a bit of a good message here - that parents (and other adults) need to listen as well as speak to their children. You're right about that, and that's a message that should be shared and emphasized.
However, the message is lost in this writing, I'm sorry to say. It needs quite a bit of work in order for it to be a writing that people will take seriously.
1)This might work as it's written if it's meant to be a spoken speech, rather than a written article. One can get away with saying, "I mean" a few times in a speech.
2)There is a shift from past tense to present tense that I would would probably fix or change.
3)There are misspelled words and words used improperly.
For example, you wrote:
If you can remember the show “Charlie Brown” their was a character on there that use to talk and all you heard was woomp,woomp, woomp that’s what adults sound like when there talking I mean speaking or what ever they think that there doing.
I would probably change this to:
In the Charlie Brown shows, there was a character whose words all sounded like, "woomp, woomp, woomp." That’s what adults sounded like when they talked, I mean spoke, or whateever they thought they were doing.
And I would change this:
I use to have some good people in my life if I can remember but all they did was voice their opinion, now that I think about it all adults I mean most of adults are so adultie, I know that this is not a word but perhaps you can open you mind.
To:
I used to have some good people in my life, but all they did was voice their opinion. Most of adults are so "adultie". (I know that is not a word, but it fits.)
There are other things I would change, but you get the idea. You need to watch for verb tense problems and spelling problems, as well as sentence structure problems.
I do think you have a point. Kids are certainly people and should be treated with respect by their parents. (We tell kids that about their parents all the time, and it does go both ways. But so does the fact that one earns respect.) However, as a parent, I also understand that I will always be a parent, and that does not always mean being a friend to my child. (He's 23 now, and frankly, he doesn't want me to be his friend. He likes having me as an older adult mentor with life experiences he has not yet had.)
What wonderful memories. And how sad it is that coming generations will not have these to look back upon.
A few suggestions:
This sounds a big choppy:
My brother and I frequently made week long summer visits. My grandparents always welcomed our visits. They were ever vigilant in keeping us safe from all the danger that existed on the farm. We were always allowed to “help”. They had great measures of patience.
Perhaps:
My brother and I frequently made week long summer visits. Our grandparents always welcomed our visits, and they were ever vigilant in keeping us safe from all the danger that existed. They showed great measures of patience as they allowed us to "help".
And:
My grandparents were successful farmers that raised outstanding products with few resources.
Should be:
My grandparents were successful farmers who raised outstanding products with few resources.
What a wonderful story. What wonderful pictures! And the Adopt a Wickets are a great idea for a good cause. I'll run over there in just a minute.
Your story about Pippin's almost demise really got to me. We had a Shih-Tzu that adopted us and loved her to death. Haven't gotten another one because they are so expensive as puppies, and finding adults isn't easy. Perhaps I need to visit our local shelters regularly. Hmmm.
The only thing I might change is at the end, where you have an incomplete sentence.
With visions of their week etched clearly in memory, they journeyed. Out of those mountains, back toward home; with the realization that God had sent them to do a special job, at a special time, for a special family.
Perhaps:
With visions of their week etched clearly in memory, they journeyed back toward home with the realization that God had sent them to do a special job, at a special time, for a special family.
Great poll. We need to know what motivates people. Someone told me not long ago that every contest needed wonderful graphics or else no one was interested. This poll seems to disagree with that thinking.
It's also interesting that prizes is fourth, behind genre, description and guidelines (although very close to that one).
I discovered this because of a public review. It's certainly a topic that is of interest any time there is another tragedy of some kind in some part of the world.
As I read this - both aloud and silently - I did notice that I seemed to stumble over some words, and glide with others.
Even so, the message is strong enough that the stumbling didn't really matter.
Good for you for wanting to explain the difference between showing and telling. You're right that many new writers don't understand when someone they are told to show rather than tell.
Some suggestions:
"Show don’t tell" is an oft repeated statement that makes new writers go "huh?" I would say, ask, "huh?" instead of go.
These are the mistakes that most writers make and are easy enough to correct, once you know what to look for. I would probably change this sentence so it didn't end in a preposition. I know some think that isn't important anymore, but it would sound better if it was changed.
Her face contorted into a scowl and eyes narrowed, she watched him approach. Perhaps you are missing a word here. "...as she watched him approach."
Adjectives like mere, basic, essential, major and fundamental are best done away with. This is another sentence ending with a preposition.
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Good rhythm, good rhymes and you've made one heck of a good point. 
)
Your verb tenses have bounced around from past to present and back to past tense. I would probably make them all past tense verbs.