Your piece is well written, but I tend to disagree. I don't think that friends and relatives are among the best reviewers. Besides, if they are brutally honest, it can hurt both our feelings and our relationships.
Over the years, I have found that writing groups were my best place to get feedback. For a while, I was involved in one that met weekly. We each brought 4 pages for critiques from every member.
But other than my disagreement about having friends and relatives analyze your writing, I have nothing else to offer.
I found this on the public reviews page. Like that reviewer, I was perplexed about why you wrote "could of" instead of "could have" and "must of" instead of "must have".
It is a funny story, though, and I admire your ability to tell it in so few words. I have never been able to do that myself.
I've always been fascinated by people who can learn difficult tasks just by observation and it sounds like you were one of those. I admire people who can see. Oh,I can do beautiful hand stitches. And like many baby boomers, my home economics class included both cooking and sewing. I made the required apron and A-line skirt. But I have not used a sewing machine since then. I much preferred wood shop class.
Thanks for sharing your work of heart. Just a flower, though? Is any flower really just a flower?
My whole attitude about flowers changed 20 some years ago, the year that I turned 50 and learned that while Texans loved and protected its state flower, the Texas bluebonnet, other places might call it a mere wildflower. Or even a weed! Yes, each part of our country has different thoughts about what is a flower and what is a weed. Who knew?!?
The only change that I would make would be to make "passerby" one word, not two.
Now that is an interesting futuristic story poem. You must have been inspired by the recent events of earthquakes and the eclipse.
As I read this aloud, I must admit that there were a few places where I stumbled. My suggestion would be for you to read your work of heart aloud as well to see if you might discover some tweaks that you could do.
I am not surprised that you have received an awardicon for this eloquent piece about toilet paper. The fact that you were able to get me thinking about TP and following along with you in your quest to educate us about the stuff speaks volumes.
My fondest memories about toilet paper are when my parents had a house built exactly to their specifications. That was the first (and actually, only) house I have lived in that had a bathroom attached to the master bedroom.
The master bath had turquoise print wallpaper, plus a turquoise tub, sink and toilet.
The larger hall bathroom for us, the children and the guests as well, had lovely purple print wallpaper, plus a purple sink, tub and toilet.
Needless to say, those bathrooms had turquoise and purple toilet paper.
We only lived in that house for a short time before my mom became pregnant (doggone it, I was 13!!) and we had to move into an older and bigger house with a boring white tub, sink and toilet on the 2nd floor and an equally boring white shower, sink and toilet in the basement.
Your piece about the wonders of toilet paper brought all of those strange memories back. Thanks for that.
And thanks for sharing your tale. I wouldn't change a thing.
I found your work of heart on the public reviews page. It's always fun to see if one agrees or disagrees with the previous reviewer. Turned out that I both agreed and didn't agree.
This was fun to read aloud. While reading it silently, I could understand why the previous reviewer said that the meter makes one stumble. But reading aloud fixed that. It sounded great. Good flow, good rhymes, and makes a person laugh. What more could anyone want?
What a wonderful story. I found this on the public reviews page.
Like that reviewer, I agree that the lesson for children (and us too!) would be that we should be thankful for the gifts that we DO have and for the special jobs that we each have in our families and in the world.
Here you are missing a word.
"Look at them, they seem so happy, and I want feel very special."
Awww. I found this on the public reviews page. Like that reviewer, this made feel all warm and fuzzy. First, I love dog people. Secondly, I love that you make coffee for your life partner. I wish that I could have trained my hubby to do that, but he's not a coffee drinker. Or tea either, for that matter. I wouldn't have minded a cup of tea either. Oh well. He has other strengths.
It's been a few years since our doggy died. That was a bad year for us. We had 2 elderly cats and one elderly dog, and they all died within a year. I do miss having at least one of them cuddled up with me.
Thanks for sharing. One more story like this and I will probably be ready to go to the shelter to find another doggy.
As a new writer, it is suggested that you follow the rules for spelling, grammar and punctuation. After you are rich and famous, you can forget the rules.
That being said, I would sat "want to" rather than "wanna". And I would change "if your with somebody" to "if you're with somenody".
You are absolutely right that love is amazing. My favorite definition of love is in the Bible. After having a few abusive relationships, I learned to gauge my relationships around these words:
1 Corinthians 13:4-7 NIV
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
America used to be a melting pot. Everyone who came here wanted to BE an American. They learned how to speak English. They learned about our country and they couldn't wait to be citizens. (They came through Ellis island and had to have a sc sponsor and a job lined up. If they were sick, they were kept there until they were well. And they could be sent back if they didn't qualify to enter the country.)
Today, we're more like a quilt with pieces that absolutely do not match. People don't bother to try to speak English and they have no desire to be citizens.
It's way past time for us to insist that people come here legally. The people who are doing that have to wait years sometimes because too many people have cut in line in front of them.
I admire people who can write flash fiction, those who can share a tale in few words. I have always been verbose myself, thus the administration for those who can be succinct.
People always talk about the rainbow bridge, especially people who are or work for veterinarians. But I have never had one of them speculate about other animals welcoming them. As you wrote it, it makes sense.
I love writing with a pen, but even though I have been writing for over 65 years, I have never thought about my pen being my best friend. I feel horrible about that. My favorite pens have either purple or green ink.
Thanks for making me ponder. I wouldn't change a thing.
You explained the relationship between the crocodile and the plover quite well in your fictional story. It's rather amazing that the croc knows that he needs those bits between his teeth removed. If they aren't, infection easily happens. To me, it's even more amazing that the bird is bold enough to brave sitting in the mouth of the croc to pick his teeth. Wow.
Thanks for sharing. Because of you, I learned something today.
I love reading stories written for contests here where the word count is supposed to be low. I have been far top verbose my entire life and truly admire people who can tell a complete story in 405 words, complete with dialogue. Way to go!
You also managed to tell the entire story in present tense. I usually find people who begin writing in the present tense often switch to past tense without even realizing it.
My brother was younger than me by 4 years...but just as aggravating as this guy.
Excellent word choices. I was visiting the "recent reviews" page and discovered your work of heart.
I do believe that people today are so blessed with being able to take as many photos as they choose. I would, though, like to see more of those photos on the walls of the homes of my friends and family.
Yes, I'm an old fart. And I bemoan the fact that my elementary school and my junior high were torn down, and my high school was turned into senior citizen apartments. And I have zero photos of any of those schools. I usually tell kids who I know to try to take some photos of their schools. A few less pictures of their dinners wouldn't hurt.
I so admire people like yourself who can tell a complete story in so few words. That has never been my strength, thus my admiration for people who can achieve it.
In 300 words, you told the story perfectly with the twist at the end. Well done.
What a lovely story. It's interesting that many people actually did have to change what they had been doing for Christmas because of covid. It's even more interesting that many have continued their new traditions.
I did wonder about this sentence:
"This was a six hour drive through Georgia to Jacksonville to Florida."
Isn't Jacksonville in Florida? Perhaps you meant: This was a six hour drive through Georgia to Jacksonville, Florida.
You wrote about how some people handle death quite well.
My hubby and I met here on WDC, and have now been married 19 years, but he still mourns his first wife. He's been writing a book about their relationship since she died in 1980. I doubt that he will ever finish it or have it published. It's his way of coping. And, no, I'm not jealous or hurt. He and I have a great relationship too.
Thanks for sharing this.
Blessings,
Kenzie
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