I loved your explanation of naming babies in your family. I didn't find anything that I would change.
You reminded me about the talks that my ex and I had about naming our own son. He wanted to name him after everyone. Seriously. He wanted to name our son Derek Andrew Wade Bruce John Scott Mackenzie Wilkerson. As it was, he did end up with some of those names. His birth certificate has 5 names on it.
You have become quite the reviewer. It reminds me of my early days here at Writing.com, when I did everything I could to earn gift points or free memberships.
I enjoyed reading about your musical family, and how you entertained each other.
A few tips:
Papa and Mama always played the opening number. They sang a duet eitherin Cebuano, our dialect, or any English love Song. There was one Spanish Song that they both sang and I love it even now - "Besame Mucho". Both Papa and Mama have lovely voices. Each one of us has a favorite song either a song we learned from school or the hit songs we heard over the AVEGON AM radio, our best family treasure.
She opened the piano and let me stood beside her.
Should be: let me stand beside her.
I saw this mentioned in public reviews. Unlike that reviewer, I found that having your words force me to think makes it an entertaining endeavor.
To me, poetry is like abstract art. For some, it will resonate. For others, the words will merely confuse.
I've certainly had days where the dawn became dusk much too quickly. And music beckoning one to come-hitherto rather than come-hither could probably send the brain cells of some folks tumbling one after another. Others, like me, might be inclined to let out a giggle.
I'm giving you a 5, both to offset the 1 that you received from the other reviewer and because I enjoyed waking up to cleverness.
Howdy, Tim Chiu. I saw that someone else had reviewed your poem, so I had to stop by as well. I'm not one to offer too many word changes in a poem, since I believe that poetry is like abstract art and often holds meaning only to the one who writes it and to the one about whom it is written, However,I would offer advice that I received from a gentleman who earned his living by writing poems, publishing poetry books, and doing poetry readings. He told me to always read my completed poems aloud to make sure they flowed easily. Reading our poetry aloud makes us realize if there are any awkward places.
I do have to admit that I was confused a bit when your beginning spoke about "my girlfriend", i.e. "her" and then later spoke about "you and your". If any changes are warranted, I think that's where I would begin.
I absolutely loved this poem! I know that some think that 5's are only supposed to be granted for perfection, but this chick thinks no one is perfect except God. When a poem is good, when the topic is good, and when the words are put together in a way that not only flows well but also evokes response and emotion, then doggone it, I think it deserves to have a 5 rating.
I do suggest that with every poem you write you spend time to read it aloud after you've finished. It's in the reading aloud that we find places where we can make minor tweaks without changing the intent of the words. (I learned that from a man who actually earned a living writing poetry, publishing poetry books, and doing poetry readings.)
Welcome to Writing.com. It's a fantastic place to post your thoughts for others to see and appreciate. I hope your time will be as rewarding as mine has been.
And speaking of rewards, I think this poem deserves to be rewarded. And so it shall be.
This one has an excellent message. I appreciate that.
Poetry is difficult to judge, I think. It's like abstract art - attractive to some, confusing to others. I have learned that reading it aloud helps to find the awkward places that might need a tweak here or there. For me, there's an awkwardness in reading the last verse.
You wrote:
Learn to be content with what is
Witness each day as heaven sent
Because your today is a gift
That's why they call it the present.
I might suggest:
Learn to be content with what is
Accepting whatever comes
Today is a gift wrapped just for you
A present from heaven above
Sometimes soft rhymes are better than forced ones.
This is a lesson that every child and teen should read. Daring other kids to do things or participating in dares is so wrong, and this story tells us why.
Someone else mentioned your spelling of "realised", but since you also used the word "sod" in a way not usual for American English, I'm sure "realised" is correct where you live just like "realized" is correct in the U.S.
I would, however, put spaces between paragraphs as suggested.
I'm sorry someone rated your poem so low. Perhaps there is a line or two where you could tweak it, making sure the flow or rhythm is more "perfect." But...I know that when words come because of some life experience, we don't always want to change them after they have poured from our hearts. And that I understand.
Thanks for sharing.
Blessings,
Kenzie
"Criticism, like rain, should be gentle enough to nourish a man's growth without destroying his roots." - Frank A. Clark
"We do not correct a piece of writing; in doing so, we question a life." William Stafford
Wow! Thank you for writing this! Oddly enought, I just put in my blog today that most parents have no idea what is really being taught in the public schools. Thank your for validating that idea.
I loved these paragraphs:
After reviewing the required textbook for our American History class and finding 75% of it had been rewritten to make it look like our country had no Christian heritage--to the point of outright lying--our history teacher found several video series on the Revolutionary War and WWII. We learned more in a few weeks than the previous 10 grades.
Real history is not so boring--it's the way it's presented in bland and watered-down format that bores students. Most people my age probably don't realize how dynamic and amazing our founding fathers really were--and how much they risked so that we could all be free right now, along with our armed forces throughout history.
I have tried telling parents that history is being rewritten. I have never figured out how religion could not be part of the topic when discussing England's history (and beheadings because of faith!) or in the U.S. history. It was a part of life. That's real history, not something that takes it out of there because it might offend someone. History is what is, not what we pretend or want it to be...
The only change I would suggest is where you've used "everyone that". I would use "everyone who."
Wow. This was quite an undertaking. As I read through it, it did wonder about something. I was born in 1952, so I don't remember many of TV shows until about 1956 or later. But I've seen re-runs. It seems to me that the eary 1950's shows were even a bit different than the later 50's, and much different than the 60's shows.
I have a few suggestions:
And the fact that a women had a husband and a child didn’t necessarily mean she spent her time cooking and cleaning. (a woman)
Murder She Wrote - wasn't that later than the 50's or 60's?
A individual actress in the fifties could play a variety of different roles which could range from housewife to criminal. (An indivdual)
tv is usually written TV.
My spell checker shows schoolteachers rather than school teachers.
And it shows icebox rather than ice box.
Bandleader rather than band leader.
Crewmember rathen than crew member.
He had been taken care of by an elderly relative.
(An elderly relative had taken care of him.)
Fifties televison prepared girls (television)
She was assisted by deputy sheriff Lofty Craig (Brad Johnson). (Deputy sheriff Lofty Craig (Brad Johnson) assisted her.)
Dale could shoot guns out of the bad guys hands just as well as Roy. (guy's or guys')
“Dragnet’s” Joe Friday occasionally was assisted by policewomen. (Policewomen occasionally assisted “Dragnet’s” Joe Friday.)
Young women in the sixties might not have remembered specific televison situations (television)
One more thing. If you want to make those links live, you'll need to use WritingML. instead of < >
Thanks for sharing. You've mentioned many shows I never heard about.
Howdy, Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds. This is a good beginning for a journal. Your first entry had some words that each of us should remember:
Unless you are making millions from your poems, or are even a recognized author...take the time to talk to the "little people."
Indeed. There will always be people who think they are great. (We have some at the local writer's group that meets at the bookstore.) But if you look around, you'll find others who DO want to make a few friends.
While you have some valid points here and some good information (and opinions), it is not well organized nor punctuated properly.
For instance, there are quite a few incomplete sentences, or just short, choppy ones.
There is much said these days concerning the pitfalls of using the Internet. You need only pick up a newspaper, or magazine. Switch on the television. Or listen to the radio to hear the horror stories. Perhaps...There is much said concerning the pitfalls of using the Internet. You need only pick up a newspaper, or magazine, switch on the television, or listen to the radio to hear the horror stories.
The Internet is like any major city, in that it has its beauty spots and its ghettos. Its high points and its fair share of lows. When it comes to the users we find online. Well these are the same people we might see on the street. An assortment of individuals from all walks of life. The reasons for going online and surfing the net are as numerous as the cars on our busy roads. Perhaps...The Internet is like any major city. It has its beauty spots and its ghettos, its high points and its fair share of lows. When it comes to the users we find online, they are the same people we might see on the street, an assortment of individuals from all walks of life.
If we look for romantic success stories of those who met via the Internet. We must look a little deeper than we might at first anticipate. Before we go any further we must look at the types of sites out there and which ones should be avoided. How about...If we look for romantic success stories of those who met via the Internet, we must look a little deeper than we might at first anticipate.
Whilst we can never be one hundred percent certain that the person we are speaking to online, is in fact who they say they are. We can make sure of a number of things. Try...Whilst we can never be one hundred percent certain that the person we are speaking to online, is who he/she claims, we can make sure of a number of things.
For one thing very few people who had no interest in extreme sports would join a group on the subject. And even if they did. How long would it be before their obvious lack of knowledge betrayed them? For one thing, very few people who had no interest in extreme sports would join a group on the subject. Even if they did, how long would it be before their obvious lack of knowledge betrayed them?
So if its love you are seeking. Look first for friendship. Allow yourself the luxury of getting to know others online, over a good few months. At least three months and preferably six. This time will give you the chance to see the other person in all their varied moods, from happy to sad and everything in between. Consider...So if its love you are seeking, look first for friendship. Allow yourself the luxury of getting to know others online, over a at least three to six months. This time will give you the chance to see the other person in all his/her varied moods, from happy to sad and everything in between.
I really am not sure what your are trying to say here.
The process of becoming a non-profit organization has to be something that takes time and proof/investigation, otherwise every people who should not have non-profit status would get them. When I worked for a church, there was a new non-profit being organized to help the poor fix their homes. The approval process took about 18 months. Meanwhile, to get started (since the organizers were able to get some grant money if they could get another non-profit to accept the money and watch over them), they convinced our church to help out. That only happened after our church did their own investigation of how the organization would work, where the grant money would go, and how much our church would be involved or responsible.
All of that makes perfect sense to me, but it appears that your writing is upset both at the time frame it takes to become a non-profit and that an existing non-profit won't help you out.
I would suggest two things:
1) Make this writing more understandable - about your own situation and what message you are trying to give.
2) That you do some proofreading on the web site you mentioned here. On that site, there are quite a few places where you have used "your" instead of "you're".
Additionally, on the site referenced, there is a story about a woman in a Target parking lot. I did a quick urban legend check and discovered this at Snopes.com: http://www.snopes.com/crime/warnings/sugared.asp If your real intent is to help others learn about fraud, I would suggest checking out stories before circulating them.
Interesting way of pondering you, me or anyone else.
Personally, I think we are who and what we were created, then we add to that original work of God's heart by the situations and occurances in our lives. Each person who speaks to us helps define us even more. Each smile or frown directed at us helps shape our lives. We are the sum total of each day of our lives, each new skill we have learned or honed, each relationship in which we participated.
That also means that tomorrow when we awaken, we will be an entirely different creature? Why? Because we have added one more day, one day of relationship activities, one more day of learning and honing to our sum.
Wow. Usually when one reads about bipolar it is not this poetic. You've done an excellent job explaining the highs and lows, the euphoria and despair. At least I think you have. It makes sense to one who does not suffer this.
This is phantastic! It must have been a challenge to spell all those words wrong. Much like asking a good singer to sing poorly. Good rhythm, good rhymes and you've made one heck of a good point. Love those last two lines.
This is great. I can see why Joe would like this poem about himself. It has that bounce and just enough repetition that it should make him take notice and hold his interest.
You have received a larger portion of life's trials than many of us. But from the story of your faith, you've learned to lean on the One who cares most.
Thanks for sharing.
Blessings,
Kenzie
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/kenzie/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/sort_by_last/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/8
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 1.01 seconds at 5:53pm on Apr 19, 2024 via server web1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
When a poem is good, when the topic is good, and when the words are put together in a way that not only flows well but also evokes response and emotion, then doggone it, I think it deserves to have a 5 rating. 
Good rhythm, good rhymes and you've made one heck of a good point.