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51
51
Review of Capacity  
Review by KevG
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi there

Thanks for entering "Invalid Item" 

Something pretty original here, great job with turning in something unique fror the prompt. I like the style of the piece and the format it is written in. The second person narration works really well in engaging the reader, and I thought that the piece had a very good voice.

Comments/Suggestions


'But the mere fact that you are reading this should prove to you that your predicament is as real as the wooden chair I have written this on, or the blackening of the bare white walls around you. ' - This sentence stood out to me. I like the alliterations in 'blackening/bare' and 'white walls', the piece read with a really smooth flow. Good job.

Overall an interesting entry, written well and in an original way.

Thanks for entering and thanks for the great read.

Keep up the good work.
KevG
52
52
Review of Immigration  
Review by KevG
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hello kiyasama

Some comments for
STATIC
Immigration  (13+)
A short opinion piece about immigration in America
#1148407 by iKïyå§ama-House Targaryen


Good piece of opinion. I like to read pieces like this. It is good to see that you have voiced your concerns on the subject in a tactful manner, immigration into the United States is very much a hot matter at the moment.

'However, I’d suggest that they be given temporary work permits for a small fee. If after a certain amount of time, they prove themselves to be hardworking, law-abiding citizens, then they should have the right to seek permanent citizenship in the United States.' - I like this point, like a probationary trial, this wolud work well and perhaps encourage those honest immigrant to apply through the proper channels.

It always strikes me as funny when I see American politicians on tv going on about immigrants - they always seems to forget that their ancestors were immigrants themselves - except in those times there were no institutions which could deem their arrival 'illegal'. It seems quite hypocritical to me, and hardly fair.

'The underlying, but boiling stew of racism is even more palpable. Sparked by the recent terrorist threats and plots by Middle-Easterners, it’s no wonder they are now looked at as Public Enemy #1.' - This is a major concern in Britain too. It breaks my heart that there are muslims and people of other enthnicities who are afraid to walk the streets in Britain simply because of the rotten lies our governments constantly perpetuate. It seems these days it is crime enough to be middle eastern and have a beard.

'At the end of the day, I can only hope for a world where borders and barriers are finally broken; and we can all live in harmony as one.' - Great sentiment to end on, I agree. First the world has to be ridden of it's current leaders, and have them replaced with people who actually care about humanity, as oppose to oil, money and power.

Excellent piece of work, very thought provoking.
Keep up the good work Kiya.
KevG
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53
Review of The Wall  
Review by KevG
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi there The Messenger . I stumbled across this whilst I was having a look around and thought I'd give it a quick read.

 The Wall  (13+)
At the center of our nation, there's black and shining wall...
#1146777 by The Messenger


Good job, I'm no poetry expert - so I can't really comment on the technical aspects of the work - but I found it very interesting to read.

You seem to have captured the scene quite well and I liked the sentiment that ran throughout the poem, you genuinely had me feeling for the veteran in the words, good job.

Comments/Suggestions

'Despite the crowds, aside from these, the man is all alone' - This line stands out as a great line.

'As soldiers, they were brothers, bound by one another’s blood' - Another smashing line. Good stuff.

Overall an simple and emotive poem, keep up the great work.

KevG
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54
Review of Poetry Terms  
Review by KevG
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Hello Joy

A review for
 
QUIZ
Poetry Terms  (ASR)
How well do you know the poetic language? Test yourself with 10 questions at each try.
#1145017 by Joy



I thought I would come back and rate this item as I took the quiz the other evening and found it to be very enjoyable.

Good quiz, it is quite infomative too, for those who don't know the correct answers there is also the potential to learn and pick up a few terms.

Great idea, superb community participation.
Keep up the good work.
KevG
55
55
Review of My Lai  
Review by KevG
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hello kiyasama

Thank you for entering
 Invalid Item 
This item number is not valid.
#1115385 by Not Available.


Great story. In this piece you depict a massacre from two points of view. I like the manner in which you set up the contrasting accounts of the situation.

In the first part you create a good atmosphere of innocence, and use motifs of dark and light to manipulate the mood. Good writing. I also found the second part a great read, the other point of view gives the reader the ability to compare both accounts and form their own opinion of the massacre. Great work.

Comments/Suggestions

'The rains have washed away the smell of the war. It’s so quiet and peaceful here. I wonder what Mama has to fear.' I liek the notion that the rain has washed away the smell of the war. There is a good cleansing effect at work here, and it reinforces the purity of the small girl.

'A shadow soon falls over me, and I can only look at him, waiting for the inevitable.' - I like that the dark is used here to bring the story to a close, this works well in defining the mood.

'and everyone looks like a ticking time bomb.' - Ticking time bomb rolled very nicely off the tonuge. Good work.

'Confusion. Chaos. Wails and f***ing blood shed as our minds finally cave in to the stress of separating Doubtfuls from the enemy.' - I like this part. It is fast paced and frantic...good use of harsh language to try and give a more authentic feel.

Overall a very good read and a good look and the emotionial side of war.

Thanks for entering and keep up the good work.
KevG
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56
Review by KevG
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hello there kiyasama

A review for your piece
 
STATIC
Girl in the Mirror  (13+)
Two teenage girls contemplate the world in which they live - Dialogue 500 entry
#1140582 by iKïyå§ama-House Targaryen


Cool story, very interesting the way you set this one up. Two girls swapping places in the mirror (Kinda reminds me of the prompt for your contest last week). You manage to potray the differences between modern day and the sixties quite well, and the 'flight' exchanged between the girls is presented with a lot of humour. A closer look, though, suggests that there are deeper issues at work in the story. You explore things such as Women's rights and racism in a very sophisticated and light hearted manner, without actually trivialising the causes themselves. You have used your imagination very well for this one.

Comments/Suggestions

“This isn’t my home, and besides, you were the one who walked through the mirror.” - Ah, very interesting. Quite clever, the girls arguing about who exactly walked through who's mirror.

“And this is what the future has become?! This is why we suffer, and when we eventually get the freedom we deserve, it’s to have naked women dancing and producing songs that sound like…like…!” - A smashing critique on modern society, great job.

“Sure, sure. Whatever you say. Hey, wait a sec…you said your name was Brenda, right? I had an Aunt Brenda, but she died of cancer two ye…ars….ago…hey…where did she go? Dang. Just when I was getting to the good part too.” - At the end you close the piece with a pretty interesting and emontional twist.

You have written a very clever piece here Kiya, and managed all of this only using dialogue. Quite an achievement, keep up the wonderful writing.

*Balloon2*

KevG
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57
Review of One Night in Hell  
Review by KevG
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Good day kiyasama

Thanks for entering the open prompt round of "Invalid Item" 

Nice story, I found this to be an enjoyable and well-written piece. The narrator's confusion about what happens, and also the way that his expectations are messed with was mirrored by my response as a reader. I had no idea that the story would turn out the way it did, and you did a good job to keep me guessing. Nice work.

I found that you paid a good amount of attention to the senses, allowing the reader to think about the sights, smells and sounds in the story.

Another thing which stood out to me was the repitition at the start and end, the narrator's thoughts that it would be the night he finally became a 'man'.

Comments/Suggestions

'There’s a tattoo of a rose on her upper left arm and her shocking bleached blond hair is a sharp contrast to her heavily tanned skin. She might have been beautiful if she didn’t have so much makeup on her face.' - You do a good job of presentation this woman in contrast to what the narrator was expecting, I found the description succesful in allowing me to picture the scenario. Good work.

'I begin weakly, hoping I can stop this train wreck before it gets even worse.' - Nice turn of phrase here, throughout the piece I found that the narrator's character added to my enjoyment as a reader.

'She waggles her brows at me and gives me a toothy grin. I can feel my balls shriveling in disgust. Oh, dear God.' - You make a really good job of writing from a male POV, I found this bit quite humorous. Excellent writing.

Overall this is a great piece of writing and a good read. Some great character work, and I admire the way that you put yourself inside the head of the opposite sex.

Keep up the great work, and good luck.
Thanks for the good read.
KevG
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58
Review of Red Sun  
Review by KevG
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi Jedd Vandross

Some comments for your piece
 Red Sun  (13+)
A soldier in Vietnam is faced with a crucial moral decision...
#1083620 by Jedd Vandross


This is a good piece of writing, I enjoyed reading this, and contemplating the various themes and questions that you explored. You give the reader a lot to think about in this piece. The value of life, the chain of command, and simple human morality are all explored in this piece of writing.

The writing itself is easy to read. You have spaced the story well, and the flow and pace of the piece make for an comfortable and enjoyable read.

In terms of Characterisation, I was interested by your depiction of 'The Butcher'. This type of character is present in most famous Vietnam films and his actions form the basis for much of the story. The main character himself is described fairly well, and you wrote in good detail about his feelings and anticipations. I would perhaps like to have seen a little more attention given to the rest of the squad, but while saying that I liked the way that you built up for the death of the young, newlywed soldier.

If I could give one constructive criticism it would be that you could perhaps have provided a little more atmosphere in the settings. Maybe by focusing more on things such as the sounds and smells in the jungle you could have brought this great tale to life even more. Also, it struck me that as the crew were making their way to their ultimate destination, at no point they seemed concerned about the possibilty of booby traps in the jungle. I realise that as a writer you can't include everything in a story - but I thought I'd point this out just to give you food for thought.

Comments/Suggestions

These comments are intended as constructive, and are to give you my opinions and ideas about which elements of the work appeal to me or otherwise.

'The red sun was just rising, spreading out in orange, pink and crimson across the sky.' - I like this sentence, you begin by setting the scene really well. I would maybe liked to have seen a few more lines like this in the piece in order to have built up more of an atmoshere leading up to the climax of the work.

'I was assigned to serve for a notorious jungle fighter, Sergeant James “The Butcher” Rebman. Stories and legends were whispered throughout the ranks of the army, some good, and some bad.' - You introduce Rebman well, and I like the way that his reputation preceeds him. This adds a lot to the story, and the narrator's reaction to him really improves the characterisation in the work.

'Most of them were as frightened as me of the Sergeant, and none knew if he’d butcher one of his own men like he butchered the innocent Vietnamese here.' - I found this bit to carry a little amibguity. It is hard to tell whether the men are scared of the narrator as much as they are scared of Rebman, or if they are as scared as the narrator. Try changing to something like Most of them were as frightened of the Sergeant as I was

'I’d promised myself that I’d never kill a woman or child when I went into battle, but maybe war was different than a righteous crusade for good… Maybe it was just a brutal massacre for a loose, stupid reason.' - I like this part. The philsophy of war is interesting to read from the soldier's point of view. In my opinion all war is for 'loose and stupid' reasons. It is good to see that this particular soldier carries a lot of moral fibre, and that he is contemplating himself as part of the bigger picture. Again, good character work, and nice attention to detail.

'The things he did in a matter of seconds are simply too disgusting for me to describe, and I simply staggered into the village, shocked by what was happening.' - You repeat the word 'simply' in this sentence, perhaps you could opt for a different word in one of the instances. I'd recommend leaving the second instance as it is, it carries a good alliterative effect in tandem with the word 'staggered'.

“This was your first time in battle,” he said. “But now you will truly learn to kill. You are not a soldier unless you can look someone who doesn’t deserve to die in the eyes, and then end their life.” He pulled an old man to his feet and beckoned a soldier over. “Do it,” he said, in a cold ruthless tone. - Again, good war philosphy. Some would argue that a man is not a proper 'soldier' until he can kill without remorse. It is odd, nowadays soldiers are trained to hate their enemy, but then are criticized when massacres and various other war crimes are carried out. This is evident in the recent war in Iraq. In your story, this section really bolsters the moral arguments that you explore in the piece, and also highlights the tightrope that many soldiers are asked to walk on.

'I looked at the platoon at the men who’d done this before. They were soldiers, loyal to America. I’d come here for America, and if I had to kill a young woman to fight further for my country, maybe that would be the best thing to do. But the cruelty of this man, the Butcher, was hard to ignore. What was I to do?' - At the height of the tale the narrator finds himself in an uneviable predicament. The tension is really high at this point. Once more the thoughts of the narrator are well depicted at this point. You really give the impression that the por man is torn in two and doesn't really know what to do. Sort of a 'lesser of two evils' scenario.

The ending - you evil person! How could you just leave it hanging like that!! But seriously, great work with suspense and tension. You leave the reader to decide for themselves. I certainly know which choice I would have made - but it is easy for me to say that from the comfort of my chair. Great job.

Overall this is a very good war story. More than the actual story itself, the elements of war philosophy and the nature of man make for some very stimulating reading.

Thanks for the superb read.
Keep up the tremendous writing.
KevG
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59
Review of An Expected Visit  
Review by KevG
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
How's it going kiyasama?

Here's a review for your piece
STATIC
An Expected Visit  (13+)
Waiting is such sweet agony....
#1137226 by iKïyå§ama-House Targaryen
.

Great story. I liked this a lot, very good use of the prompt. The suspense and waiting in the story are well crafted. You really had me hanging on to every word to find out the identity of this 'visitor'.

The piece is written clearly and consisely, with no errors and good spacing. Good writing.

You deal with emotion very well in this story, and you explore 'pain' in a very sophisticated manner. I really enjoyed reading this short tale.

I read this story twice. On the second read your talent shines, after reading the ending the first time it becomes clear how well-planned the story is. Obviously I don't want to spoil the 'twist' for other potential readers, but it is very well executed.

Comments/Suggestions

'Nowadays, the hours are long as I sit by the window, the sun’s rays, warming my cold skin as I long for him. The pain in my heart is one that only he can ease, no matter how much my parents try to reassure me that I’ll be fine.' - I like this part. The contrast of the bright sun and the cold character works really well.

'How can I make them understand that my life is not complete without him?' - This stands out as the best line inthe story, I really like how clever this line is. Superb job Kiya.

There are a few other examples I could point out, but it would spoil the suspense. Anyone reading this review should just go read the story instead. Now.

Overall a great read and a well thought out piece.

Keep up the excellent work, and thanks for the good read.

KevG
60
60
Review by KevG
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi there kiyasama.

Some comments from your piece
STATIC
Death at Rosewood Mansion  (13+)
Excerpt from a gossip column about the death of a famous director....
#1136918 by iKïyå§ama-House Targaryen
.

Great piece Kiya. I really liked this one.

The format is a little bit different from the usual short story. It works, you've managed to create a good effect with this piece. There are elements of a 'murder mystery' type piece, and also the characters and descriptions bring the piece to life well.

Comments/Suggestions

'The setting is the Rosewood Mansion - home of the infamous director, Marvin McSeedy - well known for his over the top parties.' - Good bit of naming in your main character - Marvin McSeedy. As well as the bonus kudos for the alliterative name, the character's name also carries some great connotations. I see this guy as a bit of a playboy sleaze, you really helped build a profile with the naming. Nice work.

'his last picture garnering him a whooping $50 million, which was squandered on a trip to Greece.' - $50 million?! ON one trip to Greece. That must have been a pretty wicked party.

'McSeedy met Gabriella at the film festival over there, and fell hard and fast for the young model. Many might say it was lust at first sight, others might say that McSeedy felt it necessary to steal away Ortega’s wife because he was envious.' - I like the detail you go into here about McSeedy's possible motives for falling for Gabriella, especially the part about the envy of Ortega. Great job.

'Who could be responsible for this horrific shooting?' - This line is very effective, I think it is this which gives the 'murder mystery' effect.

'He is survived by his wife, two illegitimate sons, and a slew of mistresses. He was only thirty-two years old.' - You end with a very good 'reporting' style statement, this closes the piece with a good deal of authenticity.

Overall a fun, entertaining read.

Good luck, and keep up the wonderful writing.
KevG
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Review of Dark Run  
Review by KevG
Rated: E | (4.5)
Good day Smee

Thanks for entering
 Invalid Item 
This item number is not valid.
#1115385 by Not Available.


Good use of the prompt here. I liked this story, very original.

The title is good, it gives a sense of mystery, and introduces the motif of 'dark' which is contained throughout this short piece. In the first half of the story your description of 'the unknown' is enjoyable to read, you create a good atmosphere of tension and suspense.

Comments/Suggestions

'A quick glance up and I saw salvation. The faint glow of light!' This is good use of a light motif, this works well for your piece, and gives the reader a stronger image to work with. Good job.

'Desperation gave me speed and I dived towards the light, praying the beast would trip and fall as I had done. My hand teased the edge of the light, and I heard a cry behind me.' - You created a good 'chase' scenario here, I really got the feel that the character was trying to outrun some horrible pursuer.

'Down I went again, but I stabbed towards the light with outstretched finger-tips and suddenly the whole area was flooded with illumination.' - At this point there is a superb twist in the story, again you use the 'light' to reveal this. I also like the cohice of word in 'stabbed' too. Good technique.

The twist at the end is great. Totally changes the story. Good use of the imagination, and a very entertaining read.

Thanks for entering, good luck.

KevG
62
62
Review of A Modest Proposal  
Review by KevG
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi shenry

Some comments on your piece
 A Modest Proposal  (13+)
How do we solve the immigration problem?
#1121215 by shenry


So, this is a comical work in the guise of an essay which could solve many of the problems in America. I struggled to distinguish between actual points, and those intended to stir emotion. There obviously are social problems in most countries throughout the world, but would satire like this ever resolve anything? Yeah, it would be great to sit down and have a laugh about it all, but on the whole I found the piece to be one which would be more likely to cause problems than to solve them.

Comments/Suggestions

'If the employee who greets a customer speaks English, then the greeting sounds more ill-educated and provincial than an unkempt hick from the hills in a perky, jovial mood slapping the customer on the back and yelling, “Howdy y’all”; otherwise he is greeted with, “Buenos Días, Bienvenidos a Wal-Mart!” At the cash register, the clerk speaks worse English than the greeter and wetbacks surround the customer so that the only words he may safely utter are “Thank You” and “Have a Nice Day.” ' - Although this piece is very much a satircal essay, I find this part a little ignorant. First of all the terms 'wetback' and 'hick' are bound to cause offence to some readers, and also, isn't going a little too far to tease the English skills of those people? Bear in mind that the very American English you write in is a borrowed and manipulated language...the point seems lost to me when you consider the hypocracy. Plus, look on the bright side, at least these 'wetbacks' are making the effort to say 'thank you' and 'take care' in your language. It shows that they are at least trying to reach out.

'Any children rejected from this post, and any adult over the age of 35, shall become an indentured house servant to a household of true Americans.' - 'True Americans'....by this do you mean native American Indians? This confuses me a little. If these 'true Americans' you speak of are the white and coloured people who populate America, then are they not immigrants themselves at some point down the line and no different from those entering the country today?

While this piece is primarily dubbed as a work of satire, I think you have gone about it slightly the wrong way. It seems to mainly focus on poking fun at Mexicans...I did find a lot of it humourous, as one would with satire, but I thought that you perhaps crossed the line a few times, and I found the fundanmental contradictions of your points to completely undermine the validity of the satire.

All that said, it was an interesting and stimulating read. Keep up the good work.

KevG
63
63
Review by KevG
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi poeticdespiar

Some comments for your piece
 Untitled for the moment  (13+)
An amnesic man wakes up in a graveyard. He finds himself confronted by a talking squirrel.
#1124430 by poeticdespair


Interesting start to a story, very surreal.

The format is familiar, a man wakes up with no idea where he is, who he is, or how he got there. I like reading stories like this, very interesting.

You have a good platform for a story with this one, you set up the scenario well, and in the first part leave the reader mystified about what is going on. Good use of suspense.

A talking squirrel eh?? Good use of the imagination! I would perhaps liked to have seen a little more detail put into the description of the squirrel and it's manner...this might really help with the tension and the mysetry element of the piece.

Comments/Suggestions

'Drifting, slowly, peacefully.... a low rumbling sound penetrated the darkness and the man woke up with a start.' - Is the comma between 'drifting' and 'slowly' really necessary? I think the sentence would flow a lot smoother without. Drifting slowly, peacefully...

After what seemed like an eternity[,] he managed to lift his head out of the water.

Before he could ponder his identity any further[,] he heard a faint whisper in the darkness,

As his eyes adjusted to the gloom[,] the man was able to make out their owner.

'Now the man was more confused, a pitch black squirrel,' - I would possibly hyphenate 'pitch-black', just a suggestion though.

'Something in his mind clicked, yes Vincent it seemed right.' Perhaps if you put Vincent's thought in italics for part of this sentence the effect might be increased, this would also help develop Vincent's role as a character in the story. Try this:

'Something in his mind clicked, yes, Vincent, it seemed right'

'"Now as I was saying before I was rather rudely interrupted, I suggest we move to a more sheltered
location. There is an abandoned warehouse not far from here that will serve our purposes nicely."' - There is something a little amiss with the allignment in this part, you take a new line where there is no need. Saying that, on the whole this piece is spaced out really well and is easy to follow.

'You are a vampire Vincent, if we linger here much longer, I a m afraid you will burn to a crisp.' - Just a typo here. Good naming the vampire Vincent, this gives an alliterative effect, good job.

Overall an enjoyable read and the good start to a story. I hope you find these comments useful.

Keep up the good writing.
KevG

"Invalid Item" 
64
64
Review by KevG
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Hallgerd

Thanks for entering
 Invalid Item 
This item number is not valid.
#1115385 by Not Available.


Great entry. This is the sort of thing I was thinking about when I posted the prompt. This story is a very entertaining read. The narrative voice in the piece is very well worked and really adds to the effect and atmosphere in the work.

Comments/Suggestions

'When it became clear that the end of the story wasn't going to appear, she talked about pesticide instead.' - I liked this element of the story, in depicting his wife's actions you use a godo subtle comic effect. Great job.


'A boy walked into a class room – and disappeared.' I liked this line. Perhaps classroom is all one word though? I'm not 100% sure.

'He knew his wife's name, his dog's name, the brand of ice-cream his wife now placed before him. But these weren't 'concrete'. They were wisps that evanesced under his touch. Who was he? Where were the deeds and thoughts that had shaped him? How had he become the man sitting at the table staring at a bowl of raspberry ripple?' - This is my favourtie part of the piece, some great writing. I like tone and the message of this section. The execution in the last of the lines is superb.

'She licked her spoon appreciatively. So unaware are we all of the internal lives of others, even those we love, that she had no idea the man sitting opposite her, frowning and blinking into his bowl, had disappeared completely.' Again, the contemplations are great here, you've written a piece that can really get the reader thinking. Good stuff.

Overall this is an excellent story. I really enjoyed reading this tale, where a man is 'disappearing'. Great job tackling the prompt.

Thansk for the gooo read.
Good luck, and keep up the great writing.
KevG
65
65
Review by KevG
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi Smee

Thanks for entering
 Invalid Item 
This item number is not valid.
#1115385 by Not Available.


Nice story. A warrior and his horse fight against an endless barrage of enemies. Using magic spells and brute force they eventually overcome them and can go and warn the king of the impending danger.

Why is it written in blue text? This came as a bit of a surprise to me.

While you went into detail about the combat all the way through, I would have liked to have seen a description of the horse, or maybe the setting. The image of the fighting you decribed was good, but I just didn't really have a background to imagine it against.

Comments/Suggestions

'My staff connected hard with the head of one soldier and flowed into the nose of another as my left hand jetted flames in to a third.' I would add in a few commas in this sentence, in order to let it flow a little more. My staff connected hard with the head of one soldier, and flowed into the nose of another, as my left hand jetted flames in to a third.

'The brief breather allowed me time to remember a more complex spell[,] and I cast a cord of air from my hands, thin as wire and sharp as a razor.' Good alliteration in 'brief/breather', nice bit of descriptive work in describing the 'cord', I would have liked to have seen a bit more of this sort of thing throughout the story.

In a swirl of armour and weapons[,] I was suddenly staring at open grassland ahead of me.

Overall a fun story to read. Keep up the good work.

Thanks for entering and good luck. Results will follow later.

KevG
66
66
Review of The Ragman  
Review by KevG
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi there Barbs

Some comments for your piece:

 The Ragman  (E)
cultural icon lost to modern day society
#1087287 by Barbs


Firstly, when looking around your well-furnished port I see that most of your literature is written in the form of non-fictional memories of people and places from your chilhood. Each piece I looked at is written with an accurate recollection of events, and all are executed with a touching feeling of nostaligia. This is very appealing to me. A refreshing change from reading fiction, it is great to read about real-life events and cultural instances from your earlier years. You have written these pieces wonderfully, with all the elements and writing techniques of fiction. You take me to places and times I will never get to visit and describe them with such an attention to detail that it is almost as if I am there. Very interesting. Have you ever read 'Sketches by Boz' - the very first book written by Charles Dickens, under the psuedonym 'Boz'? The effect and form is very much the same, depicting the people, processes and places of Victorian London, seen through the eyes of an omniscent narrator. If you haven't already then I recommend you read it.

The similarity to the afforementioned book is why I chose this piece, the 'ragman' is something I have heard of, but I have never had the pleasure of reading a such detailled description of the process.

Comments/Suggestions

'The character of the neighborhood was such that we kids always had something interesting to see or do.' - Right from the very start of the story you build the tone of nostalgia, taking us back to the days where it was perfectly safe for kids to just go out and 'play'.

'The ragman was a rolling recycler.' - Such a short sentence, yet it has a great effect and displays your command of writing technique. A superb alliteration.

'They rattled and clanged together as his cart proceeded up Linden Street.' - The use of the words 'rattled' and 'clanged' bring the image of the ragman to life. This really helped me form a vivid image of not only the sights of the ragman, but also the sounds. Good awareness of the senses in your literature.

"Rags? Rags? Any rags today? Rags? Rags?" he cried. He rolled his "r"s which gave them a gutteral quality. - This small section shows a good use of dialogue, and the highlighting of the 'R' sound in the Ragman's voice compliments the above alliteration very nicely. Good writing.

'There was no physical connection between man and horse, only years of common experience and understanding.' - I liked this part also. You portray the ragman and his horse almost as 'mystical' characters in this paragraph. This had a huge impact on my enjoyement of the peice and the paragraph would stand out as my favourite section of the work. Excellent writing.

'A bizarre affair, it looked like parts of a bicycle. The seat and pedals were present, but only one wheel was included. The whole arrangement was cantilevered off the rear of the wagon and out over the street.' - Again, some magnificent descriptive work. By comparing the contraption to a bicycle and the using the word 'cantilevered' to describe the physical arragement, you suggest to me that you have put a lot of care and thought into this piece. Good job.

'He nearly disappeared under a big, floppy-brimmed, sooty hat and loose ill-fitting black shirt and pants.' - Nice phrasing here. Great work. Your descriptions make it very easy for the reader to put a picture to the words.

'He was a faceless shadow passing through our world.' - Great use of imagery here to highlight the transient nature of the ragman.

'providing uncharacteristic contrast to the otherwiwe drab operation.' - Just a typo here in 'otherwise', I thought you might like to know.

'The horse's back sagged and while he waited, his head hung down, as though too heavy to hold high.' - Another very good alliteraion. You have such a sophisticated writing style.

'I wondered if, when at home with his family, he could be jolly. We never saw that side of him.' - Good contemplation here. You highlight here that the ragman is not only just a novelty for kids and a provider of a service, but also a real man with wife and kids.

'His destiny was sealed with the commonplace ownership of the automobile.' - In one short sentence you show the reader why the ragman no longer has a common place in society, the advancement of technology and ultimately, the mass-production of the car.

'Although I never saw them again, the ragman and his horse have survived for the past sixty years in my memory.' - You close the piece by applying the same excellent nostalgia with which you open it. A fitting ending to a superb story.

Overall, this is a great piece of literature. Written elegantly, you employ detailled descriptions which allow the reader to access your memories as if they were present at the time. I could not have enjoyed reading this piece anymore than I did.

Thanks for a magnificent read, and keep up the excellent work.
KevG

*Bullet*This is my 500th review and was gifted to you by kelly1202 in return for her support of my first community event. I hope you enjoyed reading it and found the comments useful in indicating what is appealing to the reader about your writing syle.*Bullet*









67
67
Review of Jane  
Review by KevG
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
Hi Kanta S

Some comments for your work:

 Jane  (13+)
He's been waiting to meet Jane. They finally meet but odd things happen.
#1114855 by Kanta S


My first impression of this work was that it was a little confusing. For two reasons.

1)The presentation could be a little better. Where you have taken a new line you could perhaps insert a blank line to give the reader a breather. I lost my place quite a few time whilst reading the main block of the piece. I realise you have done this to acheive the effect of a writer creating a piece in the story, but a lot of members here on the site will tell you that they find it difficult to read a large block of text, especially on a computer monitor. Don't worry though...I was told the same thing myself...just passing on some friendly advice.

2)When writing a piece about identical twins and the narrator's confusion about who is who, I think it is vital to make the narrative as clear as possible for the reader. I got really confused about what was going on in the piece. I also didn't understand the end...if Jane was dead, and her twin was standing in the room with the narrator, then who was watering the flowers on the balcony?? Also, who knocked John out if the twin and the original killer were both being viewed through the binoculars? It seems a lot of things don't add up. If I am missing something then I apologise, but I just feel as though you should maybe read over and try to make the piece a little clearer.

Comments/Suggestions

'He was staring at a lady as extravagant as the plants she was watering on her balcony.' - Good image here, I like what you have done.

'Jane said it with a smile that was so heartwarming–it could’ve melted the ice cream right there.' Again, cracking turn of phrase. Try inserting a hyphen in 'ice-cream' and removing the other hyphen though..

'Jane said it with a smile that was so heartwarming it could've melted the ice-cream right there'

'John felt as if he could fly and soar on forever, into the vast blue sky.' - Good bit of writing here. You describe John's joy well.

I might have called the piece '10:15', since it is a recurring theme in the work....just my opinion though.

Overall you have the right idea...I think this could be an interesting story if you spaced it out a bit and thought about making the storyline a little less confusing for the reader. If you do decide to rework it then let me know and I would be more than happy to come back and rerate. Also if I have said anything that you don't understand then feel free to Email me and ask.

Thanks for the good read.
Keep up the hard work.
KevG

"Invalid Item" 
68
68
Review by KevG
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Kiya.

Some words for your piece:

STATIC
On The Shores of Africa  (E)
A grandfather teaches the history of his people to his granddaughter - a 100 word story
#1115486 by iKïyå§ama-House Targaryen


An entry for

"Invalid Item" 

Excellent effort Kiya.

This contest must be really tough.

I like what you have achieved here. The prose reads with a beautifully poetic voice. It certainly has a great rhythm about it and reads very smoothly.

You have tackled a difficult issue with this piece - slavery and opression. This brings emotion into the work which compliments the great imagery and style.

Quite an effort, tackling a senstive subject in just 100 words without repeating any.

Good luck for the contest and thanks for a good read.
KevG
69
69
Review by KevG
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi Kiya Sama, here are some comments for

 
STATIC
The Anniversary Gift  (13+)
A struggling artist's dreams finally come true...
#1114451 by iKïyå§ama-House Targaryen


Excellent piece of flash fiction. You had made a superb job of incorporating all of the objects in the prompt. This made for a very satisfying read.

The 'note' left by the artist is a nice touch. You bring the notion of 'luck' into the piece early and then return to it at the culmination of the work. Good job.

The dialogue spoken by Officer Sherborn is very authentic. I like the dialect you have used. This adds a good realism to the piece.

The elements of mystery and suspense in the piece are great. From the very start you have the reader guessing. I like how you have mirrored this effect by having the officer and his deputy speculate about the possible explanitions. Good writing.

The emotion in the latter part of the piece is fantastic, in terms of conflict and resolution you have demonstrating your technical ability in writing a piece of flash fiction.

To fit all of these elements into 300 words is a great achievement. You have crafted a great piece here.

Comments/Suggestions

'He rubbed the gold coin gently, a wistful smile on his visage as he glanced out the window. It was something his father had left him with, saying it would bring him good luck someday.' - This stands out as my favourite section of the story. I really like the word choice in 'wistful' and 'visage', I feel that they compliment each other well. Great work.

Overall this is an excellent story. I wish you all the best for the contest.

Your Blazers team-mate,
KevG
70
70
Review by KevG
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi. viva_teammalat

Some comments for:

 The Chord of 88 Notes  (E)
The unfortunate outcome of racing 2 grand pianos.
#1014644 by viva_teammalat


I enjoyed reading this a lot. I thought the the tone of comedy was great throughout, as was the pace of the narrative. The piece read smoothly and I particularly enojyed your turn of phrase. This is a pretty crafty piece of writing.

The bits about the BMWs were great, I liked the comedy element in that. A lot of the imagery was superb and original too, this made the piece all the more enjoyable.

Comments/Suggestions

'Dimly lit by stray rays intended for the centre stage, the pianos gleamed softly, its edges glinting where they caught the light.' - This is a great sentence. The description put a vivid image in my head of the whole scenario, and the poetic effect of 'stray rays' is great. Good word choice.

'Owing to the inviolability of the natural laws of the universe commonly ascribed to the second holder of the Lucasian Chair of Mathematics at Cambridge University, the pianos accelerated at a slow rate due to their sheer inertial mass.' - Again, the descriptions are quality here. You bring the situation to life and I like the manner in which you referred to Newton.

'What was in their eyes a scene of two racing pianofortes was now a scene of the impending collision of two steam locomotives out of control, or two raging bulls arguing over fertilizing rights to a particularly fetching cow, or two colliding stars just doing what colliding star systems usually do.' - This example demonstrates how you cleverly fuse the comic with some pretty good imagery. This works well and stood out to me as one of the best parts of the story. Good job.

I couldn't see any errors in the piece.

Thanks for the good read.
Keep up the superb writing.
KevG
71
71
Review by KevG
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Mike11507.

Some comments for your piece of writing:

 It's been a long time  (E)
This is the story of a boy. A boy who once had dreams. But where did they go?
#1111831 by Mike11507


This is a good piece of writing. I enjoyed reading it a lot. The narrative reads as the history of a man's fortunes, starting as a young boy and finshing in the present day.

The piece is somewhat of an emotional rollercoaster. I found myelf hoping that all would be right in the end and I felt the ups and downs of the narrator whilst reading.

The piece is presented well. The spacing out of the paragraphs allows the reader to read the work smoothly from start to finish.

Comments/Suggestions

Remember, this is just my opinion.

'As a young child Michael was blessed mentally and physically. As a child in school he always earned and received an A in every class.' - A bit of repition here, perhaps you could begin the second of the sentences a with some different words. You could even just omit 'As a child'.

'His parents loved him and tried to give him everything that he needed and as much of wanted what he wanted as they could afford.' - Just a typo here.

'Michael realized that it was okay to be normal. Not only was it okay, it was easy. Everything was easier when you weren't always trying to be the best. When your life isn't a competition you have more time for friends and having fun. What a great change this was.' - I liked this section, the development of Michael's character and outlook is interesting in the piece.

'He took a summer job making okay money that gave him the opportunity to travel around the country.' - I found you used the work 'okay' a lot. Perhaps you could substitute one or two of them for words like 'average' or 'mediocre' etc..

'He was making great money but what good was it to drive a Porsche when there was no one to be impressed by it.' - Missing question mark at the end of this sentence.

'What choice did he have.' - Again, just a missing question mark.

'It sure was, now they had credit card debt, a car payment, student loans and a huge mortgage note. They were living the American dream.' - Good writing here. The last sentence in this extract is effective. Nice turn of phrase.

'But atleast it was a constant income.' - Just a missing space.

'How could they not take it.' - Just a missing question mark again.

Overall this is a good piece of writing. The revelation at the end adds to the effect of the piece greatly. I thought that this tied the piece up well and made for a complete read. Good job.

Keep up the good writing and thanks for the good read.
KevG
72
72
Review by KevG
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Excellent piece of Flash here E E Coder. I liked this one a lot. Once again you demonstrate your knack for building up an excellent scenario in a really short piece.

Having read another one of your gangster-type stories in the past I really enjoyed this piece. You write wll in the genre and I thought the dialogue was authentic. Good job.

The flow of the piece is smooth and I could see no errors. The piece is well spaced out easy to read.

I would pick this out as my favorite line

'The body of Jimmy Hoffa came to a rest at the bottom of the culvert ditch, his lifeless eyes staring into the July sun.'

Keep up the good writing.
Thanks for the good read.
KevG

73
73
Review by KevG
Rated: E | (3.5)
Nice story.

This is a great short piece of writing with some very nice elements and a good tone throughout.

One piece of advice is that you could perhaps space the text out a little. A few shorter paragraphs rather than just the one might make the piece easier on the eye and pull in more readers. Just a suggestion.

I liked the name of the dog and how it worked with the mechanics of the piece overall. The statement at the end had a certain degree of 'wisdom' about it. I think if you put the section starting with 'Lesson learned' on it's own as a seperate couple of lines at the end the effect would be far greater.

I also thought that maybe at the start of the story you started sentences with 'Trace' and 'Brian' an awful lot. Although these characters are central to the piece you could perhaps mix the word choice up a little bit.

Comments/Suggestions

'Trace has removed cereal boxes from the cabinet, taken dog bones from a neighbor’s yard, eaten frozen spinach that was left out to thaw, eaten Slim Fast powder, sugar, stolen cake from a baby at a birthday party and enacted many more feats of scavaging food.' - I found the anecdotal nature of the piece to be entertining and a pleasure to read. Some good storytelling.

Overall I enjoyed reading this piece. With a little work on the spacing and the word choice at the beginning of the work you could transorm this into an excellent little short story.

Thanks for the good read.
Keep up the good writing.
KevG
74
74
Review of Courage  
Review by KevG
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi Kiya. I've been reading your piece of Flash Fiction

 
STATIC
Courage  (13+)
A father of two is forced to deal with Lou Gehrig's disease.
#1108692 by iKïyå§ama-House Targaryen


Great entry. The standard is high this week. I like the narrative style you have employed. Really effective and allows the reader a high level of insight into the emotion of the situation. You create a good atmosphere and family scenario in this short piece. Good word efficiency.

I also liked the attention you put into treatment of time in the piece. Time moves forward by a couple of months in the middle of the piece and this in no way takes away from the smooth flow. Good job.

Keep up the good writing and good luck in the contest.
KevG
75
75
Review of African Princess  
Review by KevG
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Kiya. I've been reading your entry for the flash fiction contest

 
STATIC
African Princess  (E)
A young girl's journey into slavery.
#1107390 by iKïyå§ama-House Targaryen


I enjoyed reading this. Again you show your ability to write well in a short piece, whilst at the same time creating a good atmosphere and level of depth. You have written about meaningful issues here - slavery and persecution. I found the story to be touching. Good work.

You wrote well from a first person POV, this allows the reader to fully experience the plight of the narrator and also gives you as the author a little more flexibility in portraying emotions and thoughts. Good choice of technique.

Comments/Suggestions

I could see no errors in the piece. Well done.

'But they were silent cries for we had been sold for material goods more valuable.' Despite your narrator being a young girl, she has a good understanding of the situation she is in. You write these parts well, with plenty of emotion.

'He will give me a different name and try to make me forget. But no matter what happens, I will always remain an African Princess.' - I loved the 'belief' in the narrator's words. The inner strength shown by your character almost gives the story a happy feel, despite the tragic events.

Overall you have acheived much in this short piece. Excellent job Kiya. Keep it up.

Have a look at my entry if you have the time.

"Invalid Item" 

Take Care and Good luck.
KevG
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