I like this piece a lot. The narrative is very realistic, and as well as exploring a serious issue in your work, you also alow the reader a wonderful inight into the feelings of the main character.
The piece is written in the second person, I found this to work well for this particular story. This allows you to explore the narrator's resentment of the child elegantly. Good choice of writing style here, you've shown your ability to write confidently in yet another narrative mode.
I found the emotion in the piece to be moving. You've really created a good sense of 'sacrifice' by the narrator, but at the same time there is a hint that she is proud. Good character work for such a short piece - you allow the reader to build up a mental profile of the character through some detailled descriptions of emotion. Nice.
Comments/Suggestions
'Sleep. What a precious word. When was the last time I had a good night’s rest anyway?' Clever phrases like this show the plight of the narrator to the reader. Writing the piece in the second person allows for the narrator to 'ask' questions in the piece. I found this to be an effective technique.
'She was digging herself into an early grave and all I could do was standby and watch.' - Should 'standby' by all one word here?
'You had fuzzy blond hair, eyes as dark as Maria’s and her chin.' - I like how this part describes both Maria and the baby, although the sentence reads a little amibiguously. It almost sounds as if the baby has eyes as dark as Maria's chin...if you see what I mean.
'I should have left you a long time ago. I should have taken you to a foster home, left you there and moved on with my life, pretending nothing had happened. And yet, as I look at you, sleeping so peacefully in that crib, I feel a reluctant surge of pride filling my heart.' - This is a great paragraph and stands out to me as the strongest in the piece. The 'pride' felt by the narrator is effective in bringing the piece to a close and also carries a huge part of the meaning of the piece. Despite the sacrifices and the resentment your narrator is to 'good' a person to abandon or give up on the baby....this provides a happy ending of sorts. Good writing.
Overall this was a great read. This piece has a lot of meaning for one so short. It reads as being realistic and with plenty of feeling. Keep up the excellent writing.
Thanks for a good read and good luck for the contest.
KevG
Excellent story. This is brilliant. I really like stories with music as one of the central themes, it is so fascinating to see exactly how other authors fit music into their pieces. Was the character named Hendricks a Jimi Hendrix reference - nice job!
The story itself, while maybe a bit cliche, is really good. I was gripped by the piece and I feel you crafted such a suspense and atmosphere that I could never really tell what was going to happen in the story. I liked 'the voices'. Having them speak to the guy through the record was an original way to present the effect. Good job. The 'cursed' record reminded me a lot of The Ring, but I felt you made the format your own with some good dialogue and back story.
The only small criticism I would have about this wonderful read is the presentation. Where you include a new paragraph you should perhaps leave a blank line. A huge block of constant text can put potential readers off at times, as many prefer works with clear spacing....whilst I overlook this and still read a piece there are some who wouldn't bother. Just a friendly piece of advice - this in no way alters my opinion on the writing itself.
Comments/Suggestions
'he would mentally take a minute to evaluate her and calculate how much money he would have to spend to get her in bed with him.' - Good writing. Although I thought that maybe you could have had another couple of lines like this in the piece, this one really lets the reader get a feel for the type of person the character is.
'And then he stopped cold, his hand outstretched to the turntable. The final track had begun with a crowd of voices murmuring indistinctly, but that wasn't what had caught his attention; it was a distinct, soft voice that had whispered among them, saying only one word.' - Great. I really liked this part...you created a vivid image in my mind.
'Without knowing quite why he was doing it, Andersen took the record over to the stereo and placed it delicately on the turntable once again,' - Another bit I liked here. The fact that Andersen was in a trance like state. Nice.
Overall this is a good piece of writing. An interesting story. If you make it a little easier on the eye it will be even better!
Thanks for the read.
Keep up the excellent work.
KevG
This is a great story. Such a fabulous read. I thought you introduced the characters very well and quicly set up the scene in the story. The pace of the piece was good throughout and it read smoothly.
I thought the first person POV worked really well in this work. Since a lot of the subject matter deals with memories, thoughts and emotions I thought it was important that the reader was allowed so much access to the narrator's thoughts. Good work.
Again your characterisation in the piece was great. As well as your narrator, I especially liked the character of Greg. Quite humurous.
Comments/Suggestions
'I do not consider myself beautiful – gorgeous perhaps. Hey, I’m not trying to be vain, it’s just my partner who insists on referring to me as that. But then again, he is gay and likely to call anything that moves – including a few art pieces – ‘gorgeous’ as well.' I liked this. You reveal a lot about the main character through thoughts and contemplations here.
'We had planned a showing for this weekend, of a young budding artist by the name of Larry Polk. Not quite the artistic name but his work was good.' I liked this. Interesting naming in Larry Polk. I like the narrator's contemplation of his name also. Entertaining writing.
'I ran blindly, my hair unraveling from its knot to fall into my face in thick black clumps while my somewhat expensive dress suit was soaked.' - I thought this was pretty effective in allowing the reader to build up a visual image. Some nice descriptive work.
'Oh, Lord, I prayed inwardly. Give me the patience to tell him to buzz off without sounding like a bitch.' - Good use of free indirect speech again. I like the insight into thought-processes here also. Some nice techniques.
'He was dressed in an outfit that one could pick out from a thrift store. In fact, his entire appearance reeked of the clichéd term – starving artist. ' - Nice turn of phrase here. Love the use of the word 'reeked'.
'I couldn’t tear my gaze away from those green ones that seemed to bore through my -' I like 'green ones'. Although at the end of the sentence is there a word missing?
'All right, hold it right there. This isn’t going to turn into some mushy romance story.' - Some more good use of the first person POV form here, I like the way the narrator addresses the reader. Good stuff.
'Larry had used strong, bold lines to emphasize the chaos and instability that surrounded this girl. In a world that was filled with darkness and hate, finding a moment to get lost in your own fantasy was a feeling I could identify with. ' Wow. This is my favourite section of the piece. Such beauty in the language here. I like the contemplation of 'art as escape' also. Nice work.
'But Larry was mine! He had sent his paintings to us first and I believed that Fate had a plan and that plan was for me to make him into a star in the art community.' - Do you mean to capatilise 'fate'? Just curious.
“Uum…just enough for some coffee and bagels,” he admitted. “Consider it my way of saying thanks for being such a wonderful…” - I really liked this. Reinforces the light romantic effect of the story. Every romantic story should have a quirky line like this.
'For the right price, you can find the man of your dreams – and sometimes you don’t even have to look very far to find him.' - Good strong ending. I meant to say - I liked the title. This ties the elements of the piece up really well.
Overall a great story.
Such a pleasure to read.
Keep up the good writing.
KevG
This is a great piece. I was very interested by it. You held my attention well throughout the piece despite most of it taking place within the thoughts of one character. I also like the 'lesson' in the piece; the whole story is a pretty meaningful affair, and it is good to set you tackle yet another contemporary issue in your writing - homosexuality.
At the very beginning you created a masterful suspense by prolonging the amount of time it took to reaveal to the reader exactly what Jared had done. I liked this. You kept me glued to the piece. Excellent work.
I thought the relationship between the brothers was well represented in the piece. At first you revealed a lot about Jared's character through Jake's thoughts. I thought this had a double effect. Obviously it reveals a lot more information to the reader about Jared, but on a deeper level it also helps the reader to build a profile of the sort of person Jake is. Really good character work, I found this to be a very effective technique.
Comments/Suggestions
'He sticks up for me most of the time and makes me look so much cooler than I really am in front of my friends.' - An example of some of the characterisation I mentioned before. I like this bit in particular. This helps a lot to enhance the effect of both characters. Good job.
'"Don't touch me!" I scream, scrambling away from him and suddenly wishing I hadn't. The pained look in his eyes is like a dagger being thrust into my heart. But I can't help it. I just can't.' - The emotional shock of the events is presented well in the piece. I found the dialogue and descriptions of emotions to be very authentic.
'I remain frozen on my bed, my bladder nearly bursting with the urge to release its contents and yet I’m too terrified to make a move. I don’t want to go out there.' - this bit really stood out to me. You capture the fear of the situation well here. I'm sure in a lot of ways many readers will be able to relate to the emotions here. Nice work.
'The silence in the house is deafening' - I liked this paradox here. I thought after the break in the narrative the tone of the story turned well. Jake becomes the only 'active' character in this half of the piece, and awakens in 'dark' and 'silence'; when reading I found that this atmosphere really reinforced the lonliness and sense of loss in the piece. Excellent writing.
'No, no, no! It was all a dream, right? A joke! And besides, Jared won’t…he couldn’t ignore me forever, could he?' - Great use of free indirect speech to allow the reader access to the narrator's thoughts. I thought that you used this technique really well and that it suited the style of the piece.
'Without Jared, I’ll become invisible. I’ve always basked in his glow, content to follow his shadow and to walk in his footsteps for as long as he’d let me.' - Good use of light and dark images here. I found the narrator's comtemplation at the end a godo ending to the piece. You finish well by allowing Jake to analyse the effect of the events. I thought that the last big paragraph before the smaller lines at the end was elegantly written.
Overall this was a most enjoyable read. You explored an interesting issue well through some well execute character work and writing techniques.
You write well about a topical issue in this piece without ever really showing bias towards one particular side. This is good. Your narrator has a good understanding of society and her questions and contemplations form much of the meaning in the piece.
You make many good social observations in the piece, and you explore racial prejudice well. I thought the use of italics in the piece to emphasize more meaningful terms was well implemented. This allowed the message within the story to carry a bit of extra weight. Good work.
Comments/Suggestions
'It hurts to know that your friendship is not considered ‘acceptable’ by society just because of the way you look and we weren’t strong enough to combat such odds against us.' This is a good point. Most people will have experienced this at some point in their life. You allow the reader to empathise with the narrator here, and furthermore the nature of the piece makes it a very thought-provoking read. You give the reader something to take away and think about with many of the finer points you highlight in the work.
'No, my brothers and sisters. It is not that you aren’t good enough for me. It’s because I fell in love with someone – a human being just like you and me, who happens to be of a different skin tone.' - I like to see that love triumphs in that end. I didn't feel as though it read like too much of a cliche either; the tone and narrative style of the piece allow for an ending like this.
I could not see any mistakes in the piece. Good work.
Overall this is a great piece. Racism is something which should no longer exist in society, there is no excuse for it. It is only through exploring it and thinking about it from a position of 'common sense' that as a 'human' race we will make progress. It is good to read a piece like this that raises awareness and provides many good philosophical and ethical questions whilst also telling a story.
This is a great piece of writing. Keep up the excellent work.
Kev
Nice piece here. This is the first work of this type I have had the pleasure of reading. I enjoy seeing unique forms of literature. This is very appealing to the eye, I like how you have highlighted the relelvant letters of the alphabet in the piece - good visual effect.
I prefer the first entry, it is very good. In just a few words you create a situation, and good word choice allows the reader to imagine the scene vividly. To acheive this whilst adhering to the constraints of the form is impressive.
Hi Kiya Sima. This is a fantastic story. Although it is clearly intended for kids I have to say I thoroughly enjoyed reading it.
The story is perfect as a piece of kid's fiction. There are a few valuable lessons to be learned in the piece, and they are presented through an exciting and wonderful narrative. The story highlights the perils of wandering off unsupervised as a child, and at the same time delivers a lesson about honesty. Good writing.
The use of colour and song in the rainbow itself is a good technique. This will increase the appeal of the piece to younger readers, and gives it makes it more 'friendly'.
'He got up, made his bed, washed his face, brushed his teeth, and put on his finest shirt and pants.' Obviously this is kid's fiction, so the grammar and language do not need to be anything other than simple. Could I politely suggest that this sentence maybe reads a little less smooth than the rest of the piece and may appear confusing to younger eyes?
'In the shapes of clouds, he imagined seeing a whole farmyard of animals.' Nice work here with some natural imagery.
'Where was the narrow path filled with wiggling vines?' the section that begins wtih this line reads really well. Written in the from of questions, you really express Tommy's concerns about the unfamiriarity of his settings with style.
'He was short and stout with hair and beard as white as the clouds.' Good piece of imagery here, although would 'with hair an a beard' work a little better?
“You seem to be lost and my good friends here will be more than happy to lead you back home. There’s Indigo, Violet, Ruby, Buttercup, Bluebell, Emerald and Sunset. Say hello, my dears.” - another good element I picked out. The references to Santa Claus work well in this section. The colours of the rainbow come across as a similar idea to Santa's reindeer. This is a good use of the familair in the story, allowing you to reinforce the message using something a child can easily relate to. Nice job.
I liked the ending. You tie together all the elements of the story well, and I found this to be a very well rounded piece of work. You meet all the criteria of a good children's short story with this piece. In my opinion - excellent job.
Keep up the good writing.
Thanks for the good read,
KevG
Another nice great piece of flash fiction from your collection. This time you use dialogue to great effect. Like much of your other flash fiction this allows a good idea of the character to be formed in the reader's mind.
I also like the mystery in the piece, and the great ending. Good job.
Lessons (18+) A 100% true story from my misspent youth, about life's lessons. #1094755 by Chester Chumley
Another great story Chester. I enjoyed reading this a lot.
Again you really capture the 'spirit of adventure' in this piece. It was gripping in that respect. The descrpitions and narrative tone also helped create a good sense of mischief.
The piece was awash with nostalgia, mostly created through the role of the narrator - yourself, of course. The turn of phrase and contemplation are good in the piece. The narrative has so much to offer between the lines...there are questions of morality, of friendship, and peer pressure among others; you gave a vivid insight into the relationship between the boys. My familiarity with the setting, and perhaps some of the other 'characters' really helped me connect with this piece, but I'm sure any reader would be able to admire the good use of nostaligia in this work.
Possibly the best element of the work for me is the portrayal of 'youth' in the story. You manage to capture the innocence (in spite of the 'incident') and eagerness that comes with youth....the days spent with friends making a 'base' and generally exploring. At the end it seems as if the 'lesson' is truly learned, but the eagerness for adventure and mischeif has dampened a little, kind of like a reverse-epiphany? It definitely works in depicting the shortfalls of 'growing-up'. Excellent bit of writing.
'I am looking back more than ten years now so things aren’t so clear and I want to get them written down before they fade any further.' no messing about, you cut to the chase and set the reader straight.
'Lunchtimes then were always mini adventures, an hour away from the boredom of lessons. It was a different escape than the half three bell delivered because it was time spent with friends, it was a shared escape. It is a stark contrast to life now but that’s another story. ' - This extract provides a good example of the 'spirit of youth' you capture. And also how you depict it's decline. This is my favourite part from the piece by far. Excellent writing.
'I guess he was the closest person to Huck Finn I have ever known' - good piece of characterisation.
'I thought it was a smaller and darker version of the house we had just abandoned but I didn’t say anything.' - Good 'social' writing here, I like the detail in this part.
“Right, we’d better put this out.” I don’t remember who said that but lets just call them The Voice of Reason. - Good bit of comedy here in the naming. I dont know if it is intended that way, but I found it amusing.
'It was a long walk back to school knowing the police would be coming for a visit when we got home that night. As we walked we agreed a story between us. It went like this' - The crux of the story is interesting, the 'incident' is well depicted and the aftermath provides an insightful read. Lies, betrayal and trust are all touched on in the piece. You write about them with stlye in a confident tone. Good job.
'I can be sure though that there was something about the fire that would stay with us all for the rest of our lives.' - Is this line maybe a bit too much of a cliche? I felt the way you dealt with drawing the piece to a close was fairly original within the rules of a nostalgic story, but maybe this line stands out as a bit too 'typical'. Just my opinion though.
'Time marches by so quietly, so gently, but every now and again something hits you.' - This is better, I really liked this. One of the best lines in the story and a fine way to finish.
Overall, this story has a lot of depth and meaning in it. You deal with the shifts in time very well and the overall flow of the piece is rarely disrupted. The title works well also.
It is a shame that you have had to rate this piece GC simply because of a few swear words, it really should get a bit more exposure. The questions of morality and 'coming of age' element in this piece make it very appealing; and it is a shame that one should have to sacrifice the size of the potential audience in order to acheive such a great gritty realism. I see you have written an interesting essay on this topic. It's good to see one who can back up his opinion through reasonable and mature discussion, and present it for others to consider and agree or otherwise. Good work.
Aonther good piece of flash fiction. The narrative voice stood out in this one. Good use of an almost satirical narrator...a great comedy effect is acheived.
'It takes approximately four times the amount of time to hobble three blocks with a pulled hamstring as it does to run the same distance without.' Good phrase here. I liked this bit.
'I tried to give her a kiss before she left, but feeling the bones breaking in my foot as the car backed over it cooled my mood drastically. ' - Again good use of comedy at the end here. Well executed.
I guess it is interesting to contemplate other cultures, and remember that there are always two sides to every story.
You manipulate the reader's emotions well in the place. There is a lot of meaning in there, and the events in the story noticably change the mood and feelings of the characters.
'Life under Saddam Hussein was difficult at best, only becoming worse as the trouble with the Americans had began to build.' - It is interesting to read about topical events in stories, you have managed to interest the reader here by writing an account of the war in Iraq.
'Politics and worldly things were not their concerns; after all it wasn’t from Iraq that the World Trade Center bombers came.' - Good contemplation here.
'Dropping to his knees, he clutched the tiny bundle tightly to his chest, beseeching Allah for relief.' - good emotive writing at this bit.
'the hope was now the Americans would be satisfied the oil was safe, and soon they would leave, so the Iraqis could get on with the rebuilding of their lives.' - Again a good contemplation of world events. It is interesting to read a piece which is free of the Western propaganda of what 'good' and 'evil' is. Good writing.
Overall I enjoyed reading this piece. I couldn't see any errors in the work, and it was a thought-provoking read.
Continuing my reading of this story, I enjoyed this chapter. Even more than the first.
Again you present this story in the form of one man's thoughts. The detail you go into is impressive. The characterisation you employ in this chapter is of the same high quality as the first.
The main point of this chapter is to describe the female character who you breifly touched on at the end of the previous part. I was captivated by your description of the girl. There was something about how you described her, her reputation, and her cunning ways that really fascinated me. I dunno, it may not appeal to everyone's tastes...but the presentation of Violet Blue in your piece has to be among the most interesting character introductions I have read. It was almost as if her 'legend' should be kwon by all men everywhere. It is fair to say she 'blew me away'. Magnificent writing.
'The things she would do in front of a pack of hungry wolves.' - nice subtle bit of imagery here which operates perfectly within the setting and style of the piece.
'ut it was also a look of innocence that made men want to educate her to their view of the world, if you know what I mean.' I know what you mean. Another great social observation in your writing...such care and attention in your precise characterisation.
'How could something so exquisite, created from the hand of God, be destined to such a life?' Great writing.
'And when she was done, they would be left with nothing. No wife. No children. No money. And no soul.' So effective. Especially 'no soul'.
'Jake wasn't adverse to taking in the scenery at the Brass Rail Tavern' should this be 'averse' rather than 'adverse'?
'is doubtful that any healthy man had a fighting chance.' - throughout the chapter you completely build on Violet's character...you really drive home how unobtainable she is.
'The smell of sweat and body odor was palpable.' maybe 'body odour'? Unless this is a U.S. spelling?
'His truck was a man-made blight in this beautiful scene.' Comparing the natural to the man-made. Nice picture at this point. Good job.
Well, you have still kept the suspense alive with this chapter. I actually wrote a scene describing a woman very in a very similar vain to this one the other night...I was absoutely astounded by how complete and vivid your description was - I recognise the effect you are going for here and in my opinion it is right on the mark. From a postion of complete envy (not bitter envy, though) I must say; this is a stunning piece of writing....while the language overall is maybe not as complex or unrelenting as the best pieces out there; the effect and allure of the piece really gripped me.
Roll on the next part.
Keep up the good writing.
KevG
Hi there C. Patrick. What an interesting story. You have written this well and there were a few elements which stood out to me.
I liked the format of the story. You created a really good atmosphere given that this chapter was just one man on his own. You described the setting well and I could picture the image vividly.
The suspense in the piece was great. You introduced many elements to the story without realyl explaining them. I felt you built up a good set of questions and the mystery surrounding the whole episode really serves to draw the reader in.
Comments/Suggestions
'As it stood, it was Jake, his Dodge Ram Hemi two ton pick-up, and four sun bleached, abandoned shacks on a road that seemingly lead to nothing but sand.' This is a good setting in setting the scene, but the tenses are a little off. Try changing 'lead' to 'led'
'He would have liked to take it in for a few more moments but ' again the tense...'taken' it in.
"You gotta be more than 100 degrees by now," he spoke in the general direction of his truck. - I liked this part. I thought it was interesting that Jake spoke to his truck. This was part of the effect of just having the one character that I enjoyed...you managed to create a really intruiging character in Jake. Good job.
'He looked back one last time, at his friend the sun, as it blazed down on the world, trying to turn it into a roasted cinder. ' Excellent turn of phrase. Good sentence. You could maybe change the presentation of it a bit to bolster it's great effect. Try this:He looked back back one last time at his friend the sun - as it blazed down on the world - trying to turn it into a roasted cinder. The commas just seem a little cumbersome to me.
'Jake didn't even have time to stop off at the neighborhood 7-11 for 48oz. slurpies, Cool Ranch Doritos, or a long, comfortable piss.' - Another good bit of writing. I liked this phrase. Really gives away elements of Jake's character, and is quite amusing too.
'Like an outlaw, staring fearlessly in the sheriff's eyes, Jake walked defiantly through the door and into the tavern.' Good bit of imagery here. Nice writing.
'Maybe because those songs could easily have been about him. More often than not, he usually found himself drinking by himself' - Great observation here, in the bit about the songs. I was gripped by Jake's character all the way through.
'Now, you folks out there, might be wondering what precipitated Jake's bizarre and unexplained flight into the desert? What could the cops want with a man like Jake?' - Finally you end the suspense and acknowledge to the reader that there are many questions that need answered. You pull this off stylishly...well done.
'Well, you may very well know men just like Jake.' - Quality. The whole of this paragraph is brilliant.
'The reason was a woman.' - ah, isn't it always. You end the chapter well by introducing the woman. Who wouldn't want to read on after the suspense created in this wonderful opening chapter.
Overall this is a great introduction to a story. With a great tone and atmosphere you realy get right into the character in this piece. Excellent.
Keep up the fantastic writing.
I'll be sure to read on.
Thanks for the great read.
KevG
Hi Showstopper. A pretty entertaining read here. I enjoyed reading this work. You have created a scene which has a good insight into the complex relations and friendships between youths. The main appeal to me of the piece was the humour in the narration. Good fun to read. Good job.
some Comments/Suggestions...
'From her long, blonde, hair to the painted toenails in those pink slippers, he took a mental snapshot of that work of art.' This is a great phrase and I really like this bit. I think you could maybe alter the punctuation a bit so it reads a little better though. Try something like this:
From her long, blonde hair to the painted toenails in those pink slippers; he took a mental snapshot of that work of art.
'And she actually thought we were going to teach her to speak English' - I really like the humour of the anecdote at this part. Really funny.
'To this day, I still have to pee sitting' - again. Great use of comedy.
'Daniel would always win and rub it in Ryan’s face until he got to a point of beyond pissed off.' hmmm, for some reason I especoally liked this bit. We all know a 'Daniel' - good piece of writing here; one which the reader can relate to.
'Oh, I forgot to mention. Ryan used to be quite the football player himself. At one time, everyone would chant his name, as he wore his beloved #13 jersey onto the field.' - I liked this bit. The detail in #13 was interesting, and you raise a few questions at the end here that build a good suspense for the next chapter. Good work.
Overall I enjoyed reading this piece; and I'll look out for the next part.
Hi Iva*Mae. Nice story. There are a few things which stood out in the text.
First of all, the curiousity which perpetuates the boy's adventures is well represented in the piece. Although the days were kids can safely just go out and 'play' are long gone, the warm nostalgic tone of this piece takes me back to my own adventures in childhood. The ability to allow the reader to 'connect' with a piece is well demonstated here. Good writing, you tap into the curiousity and energy that is present in childhood with confident style. There was a definite sense of 'innocence' in the boy. The piece had a subtle underlying element like that explored famously in Blake's 'Songs of Innocence and Experience'.
The family element in the story is good too. The section where he boy's mother delivers her lecture is well written. Again, very easy to relate to, you seem to have recreated this scene perfectly...I could almost hear the lecture being delivered. The incorporation of this part of the story into the title functions well in giving the piece a strong overall meaning. Excellent job.
The adventure itself takes the reader on a journey of places and people. As it is set it the past it takes the reader to a completely different culture. The entire day itself is full of interesting ancedotes that kept me gripped all the way through.
You ended well. The last few lines give the piece a feel that this is just one of many adventures. A good way to wrap up the piece and end the boy's eventful day.
Comments/Suggestions
'So, he gulps down the oatmeal, holds the bowl up and lets the last drop of milk plop into his mouth. Then, eagerly looking at his mother, he says "may I go now?"' - this part is a fine example of how you create the curiousity and eagerness of youth in the piece.
'Where he went in the early 1940's was a lot safer than it would be today. Predators weren't nearly as brave as they are now, but on with the story.' - Good use of the narrator here. I think it is important that you have mentioned the time in which the piece is set. Really gives it that extra bit of character and originality.
'he avoided the church like the plague, it being good only for playing softball on the church property, in his opinion.' - Nice phrase here. A little bit of humour too.
'He placed him in a canning jar with a lid with holes poked in it. He played with the thing until it died of old age, or something.' - I was very impressed by the detail in which you described the many things that kids get up to on their adventures. Every anecdote was narrated with a great nostalgic precision.
Overall, a great story and an interesting read. The mental image was vivid throughout, and the familiarity in the boy's journey made for a very satisfying read. Excellent work.
Cool piece. I like this a lot. The voice of the narrator is the story is good, you have certainly given him a great deal of character. The endless social observations made in the piece are well thought out and precise. A good 'nosy-neighbour' effect is created within and when reading I certainly felt as though I was listening to a rant.
Also I think the story is a meaningful one. One could interpret the story to be more than simply a nosy-neighbour moaning about his streetmates. The story could be seen as a well-crafted and subtle comment on a wider society, and certainly got me thinking a bit. Good work.
Another great piece form one of my favourite authors. I like this one a lot. The imagery in the first half is execellent. You set the scene really well and your descriptions of the weather and seasons are brilliant and well-phrased:
'This was a time for walking after dark, enjoying the cool feeling of the air as the slow slide to winter began. Summer was only a memory; it had joined the memories of distant summers past, sand castles, sunburn and car journeys with the windows wide open.' - This part is great, some good writing, there is a warm nostalgia present in your description of summer.
The characters in the piece are great. I like the names you have given to them. 'Faith' really works well in the piece, gives it a good sense of meaning too; Will Marseille is just a cool name. The dpth of Will's character and the elegant portrayal of his thoughts really bring this piece to life for the reader.
Comments/Suggestions
I couldn't pick out any errors in the piece. Good job.
'There she was, the girl with the strange, enchanting walk. Somehow the way she moved made more sense in a skirt, like lyrics put to their melody. Each day she showed him a verse and each night he dreamt of the chorus.' - this is excellent. I would pick this out as the best piece of writing in the work - although there are many other phrases just like this I could also have picked out; in terms the quality of the narrative voice, this piece is extremely rich.
'The next night as he numbly stumbled home it was raining, the rain sent into his face by an Idiot Wind. The perfect autumn of the night before was gone, wasted, the leaves didn’t swirl; they were plastered to the road by the rain.' - another example of the elegance of this piece - and of course, a great Dylan reference. Brilliant.
The Blue Heart Cafe - another bit of clever naming.
All in all a great piece and a really good read. The whole piece is made up of good descriptive language and nice phrasing.
Wow. This is an incredible piece of literature. I like this a lot. You have put a lot of care into the setting, and the attention to detail is very good. The voice of the story itself is precisely articulate and sophisticated.
The treatment of time in the story is good, for such a sudden jump into the future the flow of the narrative remains smooth.
It is a very emotive piece, with the reader being compelled to feel sorry for the poor Aillette. I really like the circus setting that most of the story takes place in, the descriptions of the circus-folk in the funeral scene is very vivid and reminds me of a scene from 'The Old Curiousity Shop' by Dickens. Excellent work.
'In Bas-le-Château lived a woman called Hélène, not renowned for her beauty, her piety or her goodness. In fact, she was notorious for her drunkenness.' - just a brief example of the beauty and elegance of this piece.
I could see no errors in the piece. Good work.
Finally, I love the French names and places, they really add to the effect of this lovely piece and give it that little something extra, or might we say 'Je-ne-sais-quoi'.
Thanks for a beautiful read.
Keep up the good writing.
KevG
Good afternoon Chester. Excellent story. A completely original idea - I have certainly never read anything like it. I like how you have thought out all the details, the different tariffs etc. Good attention to detail. The world this scenario exists in comes across as very real. I could definitely see how this might work after a day at the office. Cool idea.
'The most likely ‘lunch break’ Martin was going to see was to his nose.' - pure comedy genius here, and a nice little bit of word-play.
'She then stood and watched proudly as her son delivered £10 worth of knuckles to Martins tenderest area, he was glad he had used his second day’s takings to invest in a box.' - again, very funny, and as usual, a very good turn of phrase and execution.
The twist at the end, a nice touch - but I will leave the rest of the readers to experience it for themselves.
The 'tag' line at the end is very good, wraps the piece up well by linking in the title and content. Excellent choice of words for the final line.
I couldn't see any errors in spelling or grammar. Nice work.
All in all a very funny story; well thought out and confidently written. The piece is complete as it stands and needs no work. In relation to many of the other works I have read and rated, this would be a 5 star piece, but in my opinion that would take some of the sunshine away from your excellent story:
Michael (13+) It's only child's play. What if a child had Voodoo powers? #1072051 by Chester Chumley
Some really good advice here. I like the way you have presented this. You have written this helpful piece from your own experiences, but made it clear to the reader that there is no 'correct' way to go about being published and different people will find success through different methods. I also like the way you have written this informative piece with a stylistic approach and a lot of personality - makes the advice seem more friendly, and makes reading it a pleasure.
Excellent job, it's good to see someone being a good team-player and serving the communitiy.
Out of curiousity, what was your answer to the person who asked you 'Why do you believe in god?'? I think that including that in the piece would go to provide some sort of back up for a lot of the points in your piece, especially this one:
'The point is that even if you don’t believe in God, even if you walk around denying any links between you and God, he's still there he watches watching over us.'
Wording and grammar errors aside I still have a conflict with this statement. It is up to those who don't believe in god to decide for themselves exactly who or what is watching over them. I have every respect for your beliefs, but I do not believe in god myself - and I do not like to be told that whether I believe it or not, it is true....this is a very unfortunate way to view the world and to me comes across as a bigoted, naive point of view.
'and He loves us too much to let those bad things happens' - but bad things still do happen right? Every minute of the day in the world someone is mugged, or dies of a horrible disease, or in a plane crash. So again, you have made a statement here which is totally ridiculous, how can you qualify this?
'Just because you expect God to reveal him self to you (just like he did to moses and the burning bush thing)' - the Burning Bush thing?? This leaves the reader with a very vauge account of what you are referring to, and rather than supporting your point, it works almost in the opposite way.
'Plus God reveals him self in small ways most of the time, but he dose have those hallelujah moment and those are amazing' - He does have those 'Hallelujah moments'? Have you witnessed something you could share with us all? This statement comes across as if you and god spend a lot of time together and he is prone to some sort of magnificent party-tricks, what exactly are those 'hallelujah moments'? It also absolutely puzzles me how you can mis-spell 'does' but write 'hallelujah' perfectly.
This piece has a lot of spelling and grammar errors, a good piece of advice would be to use the spell-checker, or to have a friend or relative have a quick read over for you before you post.
Also, another piece of friendly advice would be to consider your audience. They are not all going to be Christians, and some may be offended by being told that 'whether they believe or not etc'...this is what I would call ignorant, and egotistical, and while I am not offended, it is not unreasonable to think that others would be.
Finally, you make several 'fantasist' claims in the piece for which you provide no sort of evidence or personal justification. Is this even a 'short story' as the classification says? Or a piece of uniformed preaching? I realise that you are a little younger than a good percentage of the writers on w.com, but I have read much more coherent pieces of writing from those much younger, and I really struggled to find room to give this piece any stars at all.
Good collection. These are cool. Although all of them are not my cup of tea, they all have their own qualities as little pieces of fiction. Some of them are dark unimaginable short tales of fiction, others seem to be the products of those crazy everyday thoughts we all have. Definitely a little darker than most of the rest of your work, the collection show your diversity as a writer. There is a strange element of social commentary in the piece that works quite well, but I can't put my finger on it.
'Dilemma', 'Oranges' and the final two pieces stand out to me as the best. Good job.
Interesting story. I like the style in which the story is written, the omnipotent narrator works really well, and the your clever turn of phrase ensures an entertaining read. The story itself is a good idea, and it makes a profound statement about art. Is Heraldo's posthumous fame really worth it? And is the fame worth dying for? You kept the mystey of the piece going by not specifying what the book was about. Good job.
The title of the piece, and how it ties in with the text is excellent too. Good work.
Comments Suggestions.
'The hired gun walked through the crowds almost unnoticed, no one seemed to register her accompanying ski bag despite being in an area where mountains could not even be seen, let alone reached.' - I like this part, how you have opted to call the 'assasin' the name 'the hired gun', it fits nicely into the mystery of the piece, without giving much away.
'reporting them with all the balance of a drunken hippopotamus in high heels.' - Good piece of imagery here. Works well.
'as the storm was beginning to show signs of dieing out' - is the correct spelling 'dying'? I think you did this in the epilogue as well.
'They strained, like sprinters in their blocks under starters orders.' - You create good tension by breaking the text up with this line.
A clever piece and an entertaining read. The story is interesting and original. Thoroughly enjoyable.
Nice idea with this story, and a few good points. The character waking up and not knowing where he is...always a interesting idea to develop in writing. I like the way you set it up with just the two characters and the dark, empty narrative.
Comments/Suggestions.
'It seemed like there was more light behind my eyelids than in the room I was in' - I really like this phrase, good work.
You could maybe break the text up a bit and include some blank lines, especially in the first half, it would make it easier for the reader to read, I found myself losing my place in the story a lot and re-reading sentences.
This led me to notice that most of the sentences in the piece began with 'I put....' 'I did.....' 'I was....', you could maybe try and put a bit of variation into these phrases and think of other interesting ways to narrate. Remember to 'show' rather than 'tell'.
Although the story was a mysterious piece I never really felt I had any answers or closure after reaching the end; and I was puzzled by much of the last ten lines:
' I remembered being in the same dark room and hearing the same familiar woman’s voice. “What were you saying…you said that they weren’t ready for me?”
“They had an abortion. Now, close your eyes. It’s your turn.” ' - the way you have written this it seems as though the 'familiar woman's voice' is asking the first question, and is replied to by your narrator....thus adding to the confusion.
If I have missed the point or effect you were going for then I apologise, but even after rereading I still could not much any sense of the ending.
This is cool. I like what you have written so far. Developing a character is often a great way to start, and you seem to have made a great job of it here. The tone and narrative voice of this sketch is really good, and you have a good manner of phrase - I especially liked the last paragraph, you wrote well from inside the character's mind here. Good work.
Also the description of Roy on the tiny seat is a well presented image.
'As you study him more closely though, you notice a glint from under the ragged cuffs of his shirt. The glint comes from his watch, which stands out starkly against his pallid, dingey forearm' - good descriptive language.
'He knows that life is out there - he sees it every night from his verandah, but doesn't know how to get to it.' - excellent
'He wants the dream but on his terms.' - again, good!
Even from what I have read here it is clear that you can write well. Developing these characters is the first stage; a good trick is to 'take your character for a walk' - and just see what happens.
With practice your confidence will grow, and processes will become second nature. Keep up the good work.
Thanks for a good read.
KevG
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