I like this poem a lot. It is like a small breeze of fresh air. Just reading it relaxed me a bit. Good use of the ABCB rhyming scheme, it works well with the type of poem this is.
At the end of the first stanza I would maybe go for 'And the waves ARE all you hear', the word 'is' just seems a little clumsy to me - but that's just my opinion.
At the beginning you manage to represent the feeling of waking from a bad dream really well. Nobody likes waking from a terrible dream in the middle of the night and you describe such feelings well.
I like how the dream plays on Sarah's mind the whole day, and her worrying about it is what initially causes her to become distracted on the road. The dynamics of the story work well, and I like how you ponder things such as fate and coincidence. The story is interesting and gives the reader something to ponder and take away from the text. Good Work.
Cool story. I like this. Pretty sad, yet pretty happy at the same time. It kinda of reminds me of 'It's A Wonderful Life' - but that doesnt mean I'm saying you copied the idea, the story is presented in an original light. I like stories like this, kinda with a 'what if?' feel to them. It also explores the nature of fate and coincidence, and the whole notion that 'everything happens for a reason'. Good work.
I also liked the title - it was unique and fitted in with the story well. Excellent.
'I figured I should at least be nice to him, I mean it was his first day. His first, and my last – odd, I thought.' - Nice turn of phrase.
I noticed there was a ghost '0' that maybe shouldn't have been there - 'But soon enough he’ll find out I’m not the girl he should be talking to, soon enough. 0'
You manage to write well about the shock that an event like this can bring, your description of the events is clear and makes for interesting reading. I like the last section, where you move forward in time. Good technique.
I am glad that your dad has now recovered, and I hope that he is doing well.
For such a young age you have written a really good story here, and your language skills seem well developed. I hope you continue to write and develop your talent further, you have the potential to become a good writer. Keep up the good work.
I read as an athiest who struggles to comprehend how religion can still exist in this age of science and discovery, and how many people die on a daily basis for something which will never be proven; still it interests me to read and take in other people's points of view regarding religion and spirituality. I have every respect for your beliefs and writing, your piece got me thinking about the following.....
It was interesting to read about the notion of what you consdier 'fake christian' - my understanding is that everyone practises their religion according to different guidelines and boundaries defined by themselves. There are those who closely follow the words of the bible, and those who don't. Just because people do not follow the scripture exactly the same as you does that make them any less Christian? And who is to decide the 'real' method of practising a given religion?
I do believe there is much work to be done in the world, but I don't beleive it can be acheived whilst religion stands in the way...there are too many Muslims who believe everyone should follow Islam, and the same for Christianity - at this rate global conflict will never end. In my opinion nothing will be resolved in this world until the religious become more tolerant of the other's faith, and we all unite as 'people', rather than Christians, Muslims and Jews.
I like this poem. Again you represent loss and the resultant emotions well in the piece. I liked the title, and the repitition of this line in the poem. Again I like how you represent the link between loss and memory ie 'his favourite sweatshirt', this is obviously an area of your writing you are confident in, good stuff.
I'm no great authority on poetry, but I liked the form of the poem - the shorter lines really carried the effect of the piece well. I liked the tiger/meat metaphor too, an original piece of imagery - nice.
This is a really good story. It is loaded with emotion, and written with style. I like the way that the only speech in the story comes from John's late wife, and each piece of speech triggers a memory in John. You create a brilliant atmosphere of frustration and loss - and you capture well the mental effect of John's experience. Loss and destruction often come hand in hand (if you have the time have a look at my piece 'The Day The Music Died'), and the carnage is often the only way to deal with bereavment. You represent this accurately in 'The Perfect Kitchen' - a job well done.
Comments/Suggestions
You might want to break the text up a bit, adding in a blank line between 'sections', this not only improves the presentation of the story, but also makes it easier for other users to read - it is sometimes difficult and challenging on the eye to read a large block of text on a computer screen.
'Overpowering' is all one word, at least I think so anyway.
I could see no other errors or grammatical mistakes in the piece. Good job.
Thanks for a good read.
Keep up the good writing.
KevG
The story itself is a good idea. You quickly create a cloud of suspense, daring the curious reader to read on. The notion of being hunted, too, is strong in the story and it is interesting that the third-person narrator is just as uninformed as the character himself on what is pursuing him. Nice touch. The 'noodles' allow the reader to make speculations regarding the event, and get the mind working and help intensify the mystery and suspense.
Comments/Suggestions
I like the name of the character, Beckett (Is this story a lost episode of Quantum Leap?!), it works well, and gives the character a somewhat unique tag...almost like a nick-name. Although I think a couple of times towards the end you spell it 'Becket'.
'All the time as he ran fresh images surfaced in his mind: faces, more blood - this time on the leaves of trees, flames leaping and dancing like the devil’s children.' - this is a great sentence. The image created is vivid, and the similie is great.
I like the repitition of the phrase at the very start and end of the piece - in fact I cannot say enough about how this influences my reading of the story. The use of the phrase at both the start and finish create the sensation and effect that Beckett is stuck in a loop, and that this is just a small snippet of what seems like an everlasting process. This reinforces the terror and mystery in the story, and is highly effective as a stylistic literary technique.
This is a really nice piece. The writing creates a vivid vision in my mind. A lot of your descriptive language is unique and well-written. You manage to write confidently in the first person and the thought processes flow smoothly, making it a realistic view inside the head of your character.
I was interested by the mystery and suspense created by the piece. Good work.
If I could offer you a suggestion it'd be that maybe you could space the text out a bit. It can prove difficult on the eyes to read a big block of writing, especially on a monitor. A blank line between paragraphs and another think about how the text is postioned could make it a lot easier for the reader to appreciate your piece.
'Her black, long eyelashes curled up in an awkward way, and every time I sighed, they bent down one by one, making a beautiful rhythm' - Really nice section. Good word choice.
This is a really well written story and an incredibly interesting read.
The subject matter is of a sensitive nature, and you have written it to be very emotive with a good first person narrator. The story is a very sad story, yet the events can be seen as positive to an extent...
You really seem to write from within the protagonist's head - a good skill to have a command of.
I noticed no grammatical or spelling errors in the piece. Good work.
Thanks for a good read.
Keep up the good work.
KevG
This is a great little piece of writing. The whole thing is written really well with elegance and confidence. I was touched by the piece, the description of the boy's young friendship is written in a heartwarming tone. The extra depth you added to the story with the last line also enchances the reading of it.
After reading the first chapter, I definitely want to read on. You have set up an interesting story here and ended the chapter with a fine touch of suspense.
I sense a couple of supernatural elements ie Helen's ability to 'sense' Gavin's character, this helps with suspense, and you generated a good bit of mystery with the situation. I was interested by the females' amazement as Gavin told the stories of skyscrapers etc, this section is a memorable part of the chapter.
You used some really good metaphors and imagery in the opening sections: 'like a waterfall of gold'. I found the whole introduction was well written, in an elated tone with some great powerful desciptive work, and a strong sense of confidence. The images really helped me form a good vision of the events but also worked well on another level:
'around the house like a moat around a castle'
- this similie really helps set the scene at the start of the work, it seems you have put strong emphasis on creating a 1900s effect, and this piece of imagery really helps reinforce the effect.
Comments/Suggestions
'At the time this did not ease Sam and Helens suffering' - Helen's
'She was a tall lady, brown hair.' I would maybe add 'with' brown hair. Unless you have added this for effect.
'it easier to do her daily shores.' - chores
'her freight quickly replaced with a hospitable warmth.' - Did you mean 'fright'?
'I’m Helen, say Why don’t you come join', just a small punctuation error between 'say' & 'Why'.
'I suppose your right” Gavin agreed' - you're
'Gavin chuckled at the novelty of these woods-women.' - Nice turn of phrase here, there were many lines I liked througout the piece, and this is a fine example.
I have enjoyed reading this piece so far, it is well written, rich in detail, and the subtle mystery building up in the text will definitely spur me to read on. Good job and I hope the suggestions help.
This is a great short story. On a number of levels.
On the surface, as a piece of writing, 'Michael' is a fine work. The text is short and snappy, the story straight to the point. The descriptive language and imagery used as Michael creates the city is excellent. The qualtiy of descriptive detail used invites the reader to create a vivid image:
"Michael briefly left his city to gather beetles and other creatures to populate the sandy metropolis, beetles were cars, small spiders played people and ants portrayed children or dogs" - excellent
The text not only provides enough detail to enhance the reader's picture of events, but also shows that you have put clever thought into how a child's mind might work. The elements of Michael's city are well formed, and the use of insects etc really brings the image to life. Well written.
When looked at in further detail, 'Michael' becomes a story full of meaning and moral insight. Michael is merely 'playing' - an innocent act - and there is no concept of wrongdoing in destroying the 'toy' city. It appears that from a young age Michael has been influenced and shaped by what he has watched on TV.
"The News! The news was Michael’s favourite"
Does the frequency and severity of news on TV mean that Michael will grow up in a world where destruction and devastation is the norm? The piece raises several questions about society and gives the more seasoned reader something to think about - superb. For such a short piece the work asks the reader to question 'amorality', through the medium of children and innocence, and the underlying concepts in the piece have echoes of 'The Lord Of The Flies' by Golding.
Truly an excellent short story.
Thanks for a good read.
KevG
This is a really interesting start to a story. The detail is incredible for the amount of actual time the story spans. You have gone into a lot of detail about the thoughts of the main character and ask some excellents questions.
You have presented these viewpoints in a very interesting format, and I liked your description of all the different 'types' of people in the world. The piece has a great philosophical element.
One piece of advice is to maybe break the text up a little bit. People often find it hard to read big passages of text, especially on a monitor. I've been told this a few times, so just passing on the advice.
I'd like to read more of this story, because it is really interesting, and I'd like to know how this character deals with the conflict in his head. You have layed an excellent foundation for a good meaningful piece of work here. Well done.
The text contains a good comedy element, and is written in an original and elegant tone whilst reading with a smooth flow.
Referring to the residents of the block as numbers rather than names in some cases, adds an interesting twist to the narrative. For just a short piece the minor detail presented in such a way that the reader is allowed to form a vivid mental picture of the event.
The concept of 'Noah's Flood' towards the end was interesting; given that this particular flood exposed the wrongdoings of the resident in number 6, this is a good parallel to draw and a subtle way to add meaning and morality to the piece.
The grammar/spelling was fine apart from the following suggestion:
"letter box to clamp shut the backwards force only tightening its grip, that shut off the tap pretty quickly" - possibly '...to clamp shut, the backwards force only...' You might also try ...'its grip, a grip that shut off the tap pretty quickly', the flow of the sentence appears slightly strange towards the end.
Overall, the piece is well written and serves well as a short piece of comedy. Well narrated and full of detail, the story is a very entertaining light read.
I really enjoyed reading this story. I'm not in the least religious, but it was a good read all the same. The piece was technically sound, and it read with a good flow to it. Your knowledge on the subject seems well researched, and you allowed me to form a new image of an old story...if you see what I mean. Your representation of Judas' emotions and feelings worked really well and made for a interesting read.
Thanks for a good read.
Keep up the good work.
KevG
This is an incredible piece of writing. The idea for the story itself is original - and despite being a relatively complicated story, the narrative is easy to follow. The writing reads with a smooth flow, and the breaks in between the sections allow the reader to pause and contemplate before continuing.
It is the first Symmetrina piece that I have read, and I was well impressed by the form and technique. You appear to have mastered it well.
Comments/Suggestions
'as if the creature had just accomplish some foul mischief' - I noticed you had omitted the 'ed' at the end of accomplished.
I thought that the effect of the coin on the characters was a maybe a little too similar to that of the ring in thr Lord Of The Rings trilogy - but I stress that this is just my opinion, and it didn't in any way have a negative effect on my reading of the story - just food for thought.
'Lucky Williams caught the bullet in his heart' - Excellent turn of phrase.
'Did you know, she thought, past tense. And then she felt the loss—he was gone—Lucky was dead' - This part would have to be the line I liked most in the story, really put across Lucinda's feelings in an original manner.
Aside from these examples, there were many other instances where I thought that the writing was rich, and the turn of phrase was well executed. You have a great talent for putting your thoughts across stylistically. Good job.
Overall, I extremely enjoyed reading this piece; it's always good to read a new form of literature, and I believe that you represented it well here.
This is a really beautiful piece of writing. I like the colour that runs through it, the images and the descriptive language paint a vivid picture. The story is written with a flow and smoothness that is almost poetic in style, without coming across as forced.
"took in the others light" - should there be an apostrophe? "Other's"
"Out from the shadow of the narrow buildings, she leapt onto the sunlit side of the street, out of the busy thoroughfare" - there is a slight repitition here. I would maybe begin with..."From beneath the shadow.." This is merely a suggestion though.
These are the only criticisms I could give on a story that reads like a watercolour painting.
I'll get the critcism out of the way first...a typo: you wrote 'He only shopoed late', thought you might like to know so you could change it.
Also I noticed that the verb tense was jumping between past and present a little...but this could symbolise Charles' mental battle, right?
I really enjoyed this story, you really got inside the character's head, and a lot of the emotion and thought-train description is excellent. The story read with a flair and smoothness that I can only envy. Several things stood out to me:
The 'arguments'. I thought that these sections were really elegently written and that the language in these parts was highly sophisticated in its form and function.
The bartender, Ray. His relationship with Charles was well depicted in the story, and made for interesting reader. The 'man' was a good character to use to show Ray's reaction to the events, and I was touched by how Ray defended Charles in his contemplation at the end...the end line was a fantastic way to draw the story to a close.
There are so many other things I could compliment in a story that really touched me. The descriptions on love, and the destructive force that it carries were spot on. Charles made a very interesting character, and even things as mundane as his shopping trips were portrayed in an eye-catching manner.
Thanks for a good read and good luck with the romance contest.
KevG
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