This is so incredibly powerful and so sad at the same time! It is a wonderful tribute to all children who perish and the grieving families left behind. I think you did a beautiful job in writing it! "Behold the premature youth, wasted at what cost
A leader or a scientist, who knows what the world lost
On humanity dawns the painful realization
That they were the hope of an entire civilization" This is my favorite stanza and it is so true. We have lost so much in senseless tragedy!
He could not share this with her, share this experience with her. (this sentence is repetitive, I would choose one of these statements but not both)
Zarad wondered if Aloli would be down there, she was due to for an incarnate life. (in this sentence, did you mean to have the word to?)
I am still loving this story. You are doing so great at this story development. It is so interesting, and it has really captured my attention. I want to know what is going to happen, and how Zarad and Aoli will be reunited again. This is an exciting story, and I think you are doing absolutely wonderfully with it!
Hi there, you have written a lovely and inspirational poem. This really stands out to me because it is so well written and it is so honest. I like the way the poem flows and the rhyme scheme of the poem. The biblical nature of the poem infused with the contemporary writing scheme really works well for me. I think it is a wonderful effort! Great job!
This is really good. I like her boldness and how she wouldn't let it go and how that led to a surprise ending. I felt sorry for her that she found out that way though. It's great that you can write such a short story that can really make a person feel for a character like that! I think that makes you a wonderful storyteller!
Once again I compliment you on a very well written story. I am still very excited to read on. The only error I saw is that numbers should be written out in standard form not numerical form. So the 120 should be one hundred and twenty. Otherwise everything is shaping up very nicely. Your character building is nice. The plot is so interesting. I have never read anything like this and I am really loving it!
he ring spun, sending out ripples of refracted energy streams as it expanded before them. Upon looking at it, he melded with it and its energy spoke to him, describing itself and its purpose to him in an instant. It was not necessary for the manifestation to tell him what it was, he knew what a density ring was; but he listened anyway just to be polite.
Once the ring reached a large enough size, they both stepped through it. (He may know what it is, but does your reader? It is worth taking the time to describe what this is to your reader!)
The world around them flashed and they were now in a different place. Surrounding them now was a green, sunlit field that lead up to a lone hill. At the top of the hill was a small rock formation, with a path leading up to it. Beyond the grassy plain a massive rock canyon carpeted the land as far as the eye could see. (Great description)
despite the many perils and suffering inherit in human life.(the word you are looking for is not inherit, it is inherent.)
Look before you," he said. "Our lives here are surrounded by figments of Earth life (Suggest rewording to Life on earth rather than Earth Life, for flow and continuity)
The deer then became calm and relaxed (you can remove the then out of this sentence)
Once again, this is fabulous. I really enjoy this story, I am intrigued to read more. I love your character growth, I love the plot line, I love the building into the questions to be solved in this book. You are doing an excellent job!
once they incarnate on Earth. (This line here needs to be past tense. Once they incarnated on Earth).
"Are you okay?" he said finally. (If you say he asked, you avoid one of those pesky ly words.)
Wow this is fabulous. I really like the storyline. There are a couple of little items, but I am assuming this is a rough draft? I am so intrigued, I can't wait to read the next chapter, and all that you post on here. I am definitely going to make this a favorite item and read on!
Than an oyster their pearl (What about changing this line to "than an oyster with a pearl" your lack of grammar makes the line as it is awkward. So changing it makes it read smoother in a poem where you have opted for short grammarless lines.)
I like this poem, I think it flows well, I like the emotion and I definitely like the theme and feel that you wrote it very well. Love lost is a great and easy thing to write about.
The stanza's all ending with the same last line was not awkward to me as it can be in some poetry, in terms of this repetitive line and trying to find some kind of something to lead up to it..I think that it just flowed right up to each line.
The one line I pointed out is the only one I saw that I thought needed a real change, otherwise I thought you did a wonderful job.
My favorite line in this poem is: "
My mind dreams freely
My heart's in a whirl"
LOL as someone who is under the same order, I wonder what my doctor and daughter would think if I read them this lol. I love the you'd feel better if you lost x amount of weight. I always want to say, if you were doing your job you could find the real issue lol But I've got more health issues than a torn miniscus ;)
Hi there, I stumbled across your poem and I thought I'd give it a review :)
This line here...
And his hair shies in front of his face
To shy means to go away from...so to have it shy in front of his face is odd to me and the line becomes awkward.
I'm not a fan of written impossibilities like you've started this poem off with...Freezing the fingers off and burning of the insides. Those are physical impossibilities. He can not do that. His stare can make her feel as if...but he literally can not do that, so the first line turned me off right away.
In the second stanza...now is the time to get up and exhume? Exhumation would be of dead bodies, so is she exhuming him? Or Resuming something? Exhaling? Or what exactly is she doing?
My favorite stanza in the poem is this:
The earthen colors quake and break my expression
While not to say he is the one who causes my emotional regression
Whether to commit or not to the future prize
Never judge or distrust Saint Peter’s bronze eyes
I love the visual of this stanza and the emotion given in it. It's a very powerful wording!
The thing I like best about poetry is that the meaning is up for debate while only you the author know what you truly were thinking when you wrote. To me I see it as someone who is suicidal..I don't know if I'm right? Please tell me if you wish, but it is so subjective, I can't judge based on meaning only on the beauty with which it is brought together...and overall, I think you did a splendid job of bringing this piece together.
"Kathy! What's wrong?!" I open my eyes to see my very concerned husband, (in this sentence, it should be "I opened my eyes. If she is already seeing her husband, the opening of her eyes would be past tense)
Relief flooded over me (the word over can be removed here)
the new guy from work I've been telling you about, has come to join us. (no comma between about and has)
A few things here and there, but over all I really liked this. I love what you did with the writing prompt of "Authorized Personnel Only"
Most the the errors I saw were with comma splices. The story itself was great!
A beautiful poem. I can envision the warmth of the beautiful hug you have described here. I love the line "Touching your presence and wanting you near" That just touched me, because a real hug is about more than touching bodies. You are right it is a true magnetic gesture of souls!
I like this. They say that praying to God and the Angels will assist in your creativity because it is he who gave you the gift. This is a reminder of that point. I did not find any errors and I think this was a very nicely written short poem that reminds us to be grateful and give thanks to God for our gifts and to pray as we use them and He will bless us!
This is a nice well written piece about photography. If I can be honest with you though there are places where it gets a little wordy. For instance this sentence : I do like walking through a quiet, snow-covered forest because all sound is muffled (remove the do it is not needed.) My standard, read the sentence out loud and if there are words that are not needed, and the sentence sounds just as good and flows well without it, take them out. Short and concise is better, and you can mix them with necessary longer sentences for good flow. But when you have a lot of unnecessary words, it slows down the pace of your writing. But don't get me wrong, I did like this story, and I think it was a very nice essay that stuck to the topic well and gave a nice well rounded understanding of what a day in the life of a photographer is.
Wow that was deep. Extremely well written. I can only say that I was hoping for a little more grammar. Some exclamation points and periods because this is a powerful poem and the power behind the words comes through those exclamations. A lot of people don't use that type of grammar in poetry but sometimes it is needed and adds power to your writing and I think in yours it would benefit. But either way your words are powerful and I loved it.
Hi there, This is a very nice poem! I don't see any errors, and it's well written. I like the message of what you have written here. It's hard to deal with anger, it's a problem a lot of people have. Many people can't control their tongue, but it does say in the bible that those with a sharp tongue will find themselves in trouble. I think you express this so well here.
gmomentarily, and leaned on the handle of the shovel. (the comma is not needed before the and here)
nervous looks, but continued to dig. (the comma is not needed before the but)
he husband’s brother spit onto a large pile of dirt that stood about forty feet high. It rose into the sky like a mountain. (Because there would be no ruler, and most people don't think...oh that is about 40 feet high, a clearer way to say this would be...a large pile of dirt that rose into the sky like a mountain. By combining the two sentences you avoid an impossibility of measurement and you lose that wordy repetitiveness.)
“we used to (this needs to be capitalized,)
brothers’ (unless there is more than one brother this should be brother's, And because of POV you can really only tell what one brother is feeling, thinking seeing etc. So you can't tell that both brothers' eardrums are being shattered.)
I felt like this was only partially complete. It wasn't that it was not good, but I felt like there was lack of development of the characters. I would have liked to have known more. Why were they there, how did they get to be ruled by this creature? Why were they so afraid of it? They were obviously enslaved, and there was much story that was lacking, and I wanted to know so much more about that story. Now your writing itself was good. I enjoyed it, The errors I listed above could help to improve this piece, and as I said I would really like to know if this is part of a novel!
Hi there. Fantastic poem :) I am not sure why you have the comma between Angelic Face and Familiar, it doesn't seem needed, otherwise it seems spot on in terms of grammar and spelling. I can see this as any father and his daughter on her first date! Very great writing :)
A place; that is filled to capacity, (the semi colon is not needed)
I spend 96 (numbers should be written out in standard form)
I like this piece. It didn't turn out how I thought it would, and that was nice. I was thinking through the whole story that this is not what prison is like for an ordinary prisoner, but you still did a good job of keeping the fact that he was on death row hidden until the end, because every state is different I couldn't say for sure...so that was nice. I do wish you had ended more sentences and started new ones instead of continuing them with colons and semi colons...with the colons and semi colons that seems to make the piece drag on and slow it down whereas if you were to use periods and start new sentences you could use a combination of long and short sentences for a better flow and it would work a bit better. Otherwise I enjoyed this piece a great deal.
A bold statement on the fallen and failing morals of our humanity today. Very well written. My one criticism is that it would be bolder if you used some punctuation. Some exclamation points. Some Commas and periods. Poetry uses them well, and it often sets off what you are trying to say in a poem very nicely! I enjoyed this poem thoroughly and I think it makes a powerful statement! Nice work!
Tears start to stream, this is not my dream.
more like a bad dream.
A bad nightmare, that ,I can't bare. (Bear) not bare Further, why rhyme dream with dream?
Am I still ever on your mind? Suggest removing the ever
look at me, just some attention from you!
Give me one more night, let me to make it back right. These two sentences are extremely awkward and seem to be missing words.
I think that you wrote a very emotional poem about a person being left by their lover and I could really feel the pain! However, there are several errors that make it hard to read. It can be smoothed out quite a bit to be easier read and the emotion of this wonderful poem will come through much clearer.
1st paragraph, you have she was excited to sit at the down table, should that read she was excited to sit down at the table?
First her favorite, yellow, then red, orange and then a few more, just to make sure there would be enough to cover her Tom’s rear end! To make this sentence grammatically correct it should read: First her favorite, yellow, and then orange then a few more just to make sure there would be enough to cover Tom's rear end. Lots of comma splices going on here...and there is no comma before then unless it is preceded by an and.
How would Tom Turkey ever find his way...because the teacher is speaking here, the would should be will
There it’s done she thought to herself...just say she thought...the herself is not needed, it is a redundancy.
These are a few of the issues I found...however the major issue I found was POV. It is difficult to keep track of a story and whose head you are in when you constantly change POV with no clear scene break.
Now, I did really like the story, and the uplifting spirit of the little girl and the message of what you have written. It is a sweet story, and I think there is something that everyone could gain from reading your message. However, there are some errors that could use correcting to make what you have written much stronger.
3rd paragraph I'm needs to be capitalized. 3rd paragraph shinning, should be shining. 4th paragraph take out the word smoken. 4th paragraph shinning should be shining.
Very dark, with little hope. I found this to be extremely depressing. I wasn't quite sure of the point of it. Is it part of a story, or just to show a person's hopeless despair. Does it stand alone? In my opinion this could be a very good opener to something more. I don't particularly care for it as a stand alone piece. I want to know more about this person, what has made him this way, why is he feeling so hopeless etc...but perhaps that is just the novelist in me. I think it is well written with the few mistakes I noted above, I am nothing if not curious...if you ever add to it, please let me know :)
Perhaps I just don't get it, but you are talking about evolution, and in an evolutionary period, there would not be chewing tobacco, cherry cokes, fireworks and the like. I did see the humor of the mouse evoluting and then finding the skerdsnottle and hey where did you come from? And who came first the mouse or the skerdsnottle...but the modern things thrown in there kind of threw me. Grammar and spelling were great I did not see glaring errors, however, the storyline I thought needed work. I noted this was very similar to another piece you have on here, are these to go in a book of short stories? If so I think that is a fantastic Idea!
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