This is a powerful story, and I got goosebumps reading it. Your husband sounds like my husband--a logical person who doesn't see the world of miracles that surrounds us.
I imagine the man quit drinking, too, if he had any sense at all. Close calls will do that to you, and that is also part of the miracle, although sometimes hidden.
Thanks for the read, and congrats on your second place tie in the "Invalid Item" !
What a great way to start a novel...with a muscle car and a hunk!
Your story flows well, and the dialogue is great. I love Georgia's conversations with Matt, they are believable.
The only suggestions I have are to perhaps mix up your paragraphs for interest, and check for repeated words.
Near the end you have three lines in a row that sound similar, which tends to trip readers: She ran her gaze....
She met the gaze....
She felt her body....
I didn't notice any typos, because I was engrossed in the story. I know I will enjoy reading the other chapters. Thanks for the hot ride!
This a fabulous poem; heartfelt and informative. There were no typos that I noticed. I saw the scene clearly. And, it hurt my heart to be there inside the action. Great job.
I am wondering why you used the term "sqaw", as to my undertanding it is a perjorative term. (Which may also have been your point..)
I've notice that we humans forget easily the evil we do, but find it almost impossible to release the evil done to us. It is a flaw we are born with, as natural as not having gills. Great Spirit has reasons for both--for we can both create something to breathe underwater, as well as learn to forgive.
Thank you for the reminder that terrorism, by definition, does not hide soley in institutions--it must find a home in the heart first.
Although, as one who writes prose, I disagree that only poets have the power to change the world, your passion for reform shines in this essay. Many of us feel deeply, but do we take the "one step" to make the world better? I am as guilty as those who feel nothing if I do not make the decision to act. As the band Rush claims in "Free Will": "If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice."
Thank you for the reminder to "walk the walk".
In gratitude,
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I got a chuckle out of your story. My mom was attached to a shivering ankle-biter also. “Precious”, aka: “mean as a snake”, died of natural causes. In a completely separate incident I ran over my first husband’s old dog. I felt like a jerk for years, even though it was an accident.
I like your setup, showing the background of the family, and your confusion as to why you are the bad guy. I will never get the final image out of my mind—and I’m not sure if I want to laugh or cry about that.
Overall your technique, grammar, and spelling are fine. I believe the story could be tightened to improve the flow. The only concrete suggestion I have, however, is to read it aloud to determine where your punctuation should go. Some of the pauses are too long for a comma, and might need a semicolon or dash.
Here are two examples:
“…the two of them together, they were inseparable….” (…the two of them together; they were inseparable…)
“…and savage it, I have the scars….”
(…and savage it—I have the scars.…)
Overall this is a well-crafted short story. Thanks for reminding me… ,well, thanks for a cute story anyway…
In gratitude,
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Since this is a flash piece, I think it is perfect. You set the scene, introduced the conflict, and resolved it. I did not notice any mechanical errors, except the sentence fragments, which actually add to the sense of melancholy.
Thank you for sharing a bittersweet and private memory with us. After reading this last night, I taught my daughter how to play checkers. So thank you too, for the reminder that life is short. I am sorry for your loss, and may your son’s memory be eternal.
In gratitude,
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You hooked me with your homey style right off the bat. (Although many would say an adverb is not the way to start your first sentence, I like the tone it sets.) You painted the scenery well, and the cautious determination of the traveler is clear. You build the reasoning for his compulsion, and then unveil it at the end.
Favorite image: “The wind screamed, battering at the pathetic walls of the hut, finding its way in and biting at Tom's flesh.”
Thanks for this great fireside story. I enjoy reading flash pieces; especially ones that illuminate the darkness this clearly.
This is my favorite of your poems. I love the details of what you should give for each anniversary, and then the collection of small momentos that comprise the ensemble. A wonderful slice of what could have been.
My favorite part may or may not have a typo:
“The laced I placed under the ivory vase, adorned with crystal tears”.
Just a beautiful image. Thank you for this sentimental poem.
In gratitude,
Kimchi
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There are some powerful emotions in this poem. I like the weed image--and I understand the feeling of being stuck in a toxic environment. I also like the guitar cases. Although it seems impossible, we all pick up the guitar cases eventually. My favorite part is the last three lines--I like that you ended it with hope: “I have not forgotten”.
In gratitude,
Kimchi
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I love the repeated line in this poem. I wasn’t expecting the ending, but I definitely like it. I feel that the rhymes may be a bit song-like for such a heavy subject, if that makes any sense. I might even forgo the rhyming and kick up the emotions a bit. I think this line, and the way you have used it, are powerful enough to hold the entire story.
“With her bare laugh and her lonely cry”
Just a thought. I appreciate the raw emotions and the image of newfound strength you have created here.
In gratitude,
Kimchi
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Again, I am confused by the formatting. I think it would look better if the rhymes were at the end of the line. I would also put “I am alone” on a line by itself for emphasis, which would mirror “that which would last”. Also, in the first four lines, your subject is unclear. I now forsake…youth, or “alive”?
I like the imagery of the dark sun and the vulture, and the feeling of desperation comes through well. The repeated lines do accentuate the “dark” vibes. This is a good poem, you do a great job showing your state of mind at the time.
My favorite lines:
Oh to keep that precious youth!
When nothing could keep me
from speaking the truth.
Keep speaking your truth; it is even more important to do so when youth and beauty fade!
In gratitude,
Kimchi
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I like the way you used the same beginning and ending line. I’m confused by the periods in the middle of a line. The end of the line should be a logical stopping place for your idea. This sentence may need punctuation:
me my body straightend at what I saw in
Maybe separate each thought into a line:
She released my hand,
and looking down at me,
my body straightened
at what I saw in her eyes.
I want to know what was in her eyes. Was it pride? Honor?
My favorite line: She simply smelled of being.
I am no poet, so I hope my review has been helpful and not nitpicky. Overall I think this is a good poem, you have conveyed humility and pride at the same time. Nice job.
In gratitude,
Kimchi
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“Laughter and applause” are all I have for this review. Rolling up pasta, a trained monkey, and a briefcase with the letters JJ into one story is genius by default. Kudos to Tehanu for the prompt!
Now I know what Daily Flash Fiction is, an amazing little contest that brings out the best in everyone.
Thanks for the lift. I smiled throughout this witty tale of comeuppance.
In gratitude,
Kimchi
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I kept seeing "Daily Flash Fiction" and wondered what in the world it was, and how anyone can write an entire story in 300 words or less.
What a blast! It is a free contest, and you have 24 hours or less to create a story based on the prompt. It is difficult to keep to the word limit, but well worth the effort.
If you are feeling uninspired, and want to play, hop on over. I promise you will stretch more than your imagination with this game of Twister for writers.
I saw where you were going with this immediately, but it is a wonderful story just the same, and I never get tired of reading about people redeeming themselves. There are a few punctuation errors, but they did not interrupt the flow. (I have to spell/grammar check everything. It picks up the passive voice I use too frequently!)
I like the way you set the background of how he used to be, and compared it to how he is now. I got good visuals of both the hospital and the “waiting room”.
The clerk, the boy, and the “reviewer” are drawn clearly, with concrete images. Love the staff and the long beard! However, except for the driving scene, the main character does not seem as well developed. I would like to get into his mind more to find out his feelings. For example, what is the connection between being surrounded by children and being ashamed? It might strengthen the story to show some cause and effect.
Just a suggestion:
The images changed to show me, dirty and sweating, surrounded by kids. They were looking up at me with such (earnest faces, respect, gratitude, whatever) that I began to feel ashamed….”
I love how you brought the ending full circle, but it did seem rushed. Can you give away every cent you’ve saved, as well as suing corporations and losing all your friends, in only seven days? I would think it would be a more gradual process.
Overall, this is a good story. Everything is set up nicely, and it progresses well. I love the idea that we can have second chances. Thanks for reminding me that every day could be the last day of my life…and the first.
I was intrigued by someone else's review of this...and I am certainly glad I took the time to read it.
Besides the fact that I agree with the philosophical message of the poem (I also see where your ideas might clash with established Christian tenets)....I think you've written a heartfelt and beautiful poem.
I have a hard time reviewing poetry anyway because it is so subjective. Who am I to say that your experience is not valid? I cannot know the truth, as I was not there when you spoke with God.
Hard to isolate a favorite portion, but I like this:
A light much more
Brilliant than the sun,
With a light that radiates warmth
Without burning, love without ending,
Hope without failures,
Life never ending and
Love without conditions.
(Although you might find a synonym for "light" since it is used twice in that stanza.)
A sincere thank you for sharing a very personal event.
The feeling I get from this piece is, simply, Joy. Regardless of religious preference, I can't ever imagine how that could be a bad thing.
"This habit is so strong in me that thoughts come flapping wings of joy before I take my first step or even open up my eyes. When you greet the day with such a scanner of anticipation, there will always be a prayer of thankfulness on your lips."
One of my goals is to be at this place of which you write so eloquently. "I have the right to happiness, and I insist on it."
You've touched gently on all the pleasures of the human soul: music, writing, nature, memories. Thank you for elucidating your outlook on life. May your kindness come back to you in unlimited treasures of spirit and inspiration.
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your passion for reform shines in this essay. Many of us feel deeply, but do we take the "one step" to make the world better? I am as guilty as those who feel nothing if I do not make the decision to act. As the band Rush claims in "Free Will": "If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice."
,well, thanks for a cute story anyway…