Contest for existing Rising Stars...Monthly award of "Shining Star" status. by Tornado Day
First Impressions:
Informative, heartwarming, and packed with imagery.
Suggestions: whether...in making them; the taste was
whether...in making them, the taste was
"Whether" makes the phrase conditional, so it cannot stand alone.
from my grand-father; the one that
grand-father, the one that
A semicolon joins two complete sentences, as above. Perhaps a dash would serve for emphasis if you want to be daring.
My favorite line/s: I raced into the rickety structure and more or less up-ended the bucket over myself, as one finger made a few cursory passes at the teeth. I held my breath and winced at the onslaught of cold water.
Final Thoughts:
Many of the phrases in this story are highly creative, including "splash and dash" and the title. You have a firm grasp on the English language which you use to paint vibrant pictures full of emotional detail. Your unique and endearing style shines in this story. The awardicon is well deserved.
Contest for existing Rising Stars...Monthly award of "Shining Star" status. by Tornado Day
First Impressions:
Love the plane metaphor.
Suggestions:
Loneliness and lonely in the same stanza. Can you find another word for one of them?
My favorite line/s: We don’t care about their stories, their desires.
Our cares, our worries, never crossed their minds.
We sit inches away. Skin meets skin, we move and say,
"sorry" for the careless touch. But still, we yearn
Final Thoughts:
I like the revised version better. The formatting of the last stanza carries the theme home. Compelling imagery with a message that hit me right in the heart.
Contest for existing Rising Stars...Monthly award of "Shining Star" status. by Tornado Day
First Impressions:
I'm haunted by the fate of that dog, too. Did you ever find out what happened to it?
Suggestions: I had a nice turkey roast
Yum! What did it smell like? This paragraph is telling, and all the sentences are about the same length. Perhaps move where you live to the first paragraph to set the scene.
Even with a true story, each word must count toward building tension and enhancing the emotion. Picking and choosing which details to add and which to leave out is hard. They're all important to you--you're the grandparent of well-behaved, inquisitive and caring kids!
However, a few things struck me as unnecessary detail. For one, the kids ages don't matter except that the youngest (11), loved the hot tub.
I like that the kids kept thinking every house was haunted, but it doesn't fit into your theme, which I interpreted as man (and dog) vs. nature. An easy way to fix that is to use the term "haunted" in relation to their fears about the dog drowning.
A quick example of how to free up words for other purposes when you have a word count: there were two men with dogs that were throwing sticks out into the River for the dogs to go after and bring back to them.
there were two men with dogs who were throwing sticks into the River for the dogs to retrieve.
My favorite line/s:
Nice foreshadowing: I explained to them that parts of The Columbia River are like a lake and that is why they had done their swimming, and that it is not so with the Skagit River.
Final Thoughts:
I liked the story; your pride and delight in those kids shine through. They'll remember such a fun trip, and the unintended lesson, for a long time.
My favorite line/s: Thunderous clouds
live in my soul,
shadows of darkness.
Final Thoughts:
Great theme and structure, although I was hoping for more concrete imagery. The moral jumps off the page in the fourth stanza--those simple words truly "wrench the gut", with the rhyme emphasizing the emotion.
Contest for existing Rising Stars...Monthly award of "Shining Star" status. by Tornado Day
First Impressions:
Eloquent descriptions of an era lost to corporate farms and video games.
Suggestions: Grass mowed in crooked swaths; ragged weeds drooped against headstones
Strictly speaking, as my father used to remind me, "grass don't mow itself." To get around a "be" verb and keep the phrases symmetrical, consider, "mown grass lay in crooked swaths" to mirror the adjective-noun-verb construction of the second clause. I know--picky, picky.
I see poetic license in other areas of this work that, well, work well. So I'm cool with the dropped subjects and sentence frags; they support the theme and tone.
The ending felt abrupt to me, mainly because the rest of the prose is packed from here to the horse barn with visuals. I like the rhetorical question, but I'm thinking a slightly longer setup revealing our current lifestyle might give the last line more contrast, and therefore, more emotional impact.
As always, only a suggestion.
My favorite line/s: Undaunted by the frenzied squawking and flapping wings, she zeroed in on her target. Amid flying feathers she would grab the bony feet, raising him high. Thus upended, the bird would give up its protests and hang motionless, as if resigned to its fate.
Final Thoughts:
Gosh, so many of my own memories you've brought back. I'd forgotten about True Story magazine and playing in the hayloft. But I can never forget the headless chicken dance. *shudder*
The evocative details provide the nostalgia. Nicely done.
Contest for existing Rising Stars...Monthly award of "Shining Star" status. by Tornado Day
First Impressions:
I like the smattering of Biblical ideas twisted into new phrases.
Suggestions:
The tense shifts between present and past. Usually, I'd say stick with past tense, but since this could be an on-going experience, present might help the reader fall into the ambiance of your poetic words.
While the words are beautiful, they are also abstract. I love the air filled with flowers and the dancing, which are concrete images, where "refreshing my innermost being" is open to interpretation. Still, the overall effect is soothing.
I would caution you to delete most of the instances of "begin to"--it is repetitive and probably not needed. "I dance" is stronger than "I begin to dance."
Also, each speaker gets his/her own paragraph.
My favorite line/s: He leads me down a path that has been laid for my feet alone.
Final Thoughts:
Lovely description of an encounter with God, showing a depth of emotion and faith too often glossed over in contemporary prose. Some call it purple; I call it inspirational.
This review isn't a deep, meaningful critique--just an overall impression of your piece.
Excellent tale! I like the heroine and her friend a lot--both strong women. The past slips into the background where it belongs except for maybe the portion about freeing slaves, which you might consider condensing for flow.
You ended the story right where a chapter would fall. Hope you continue this one; I really want to see how the captain is used as bait.
Write on!
In gratitude,
Kimchi
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Contest for existing Rising Stars...Monthly award of "Shining Star" status. by Tornado Day
First Impressions:
A soothing read despite the sad subject matter.
My favorite line/s: Her eyes alight, she told me of a pearl
Which grew within her womb like precious seed.
We dreamed of chubby toes and ringlet curls
Our fam’ly portrait drawn as once decreed.
Final Thoughts:
As far as I can tell, the rhyme and meter roll perfectly toward the conclusion without a hitch. The envoi reinforces the theme nicely. Thanks for explaining the ballade form for us. Well done!
Contest for existing Rising Stars...Monthly award of "Shining Star" status. by Tornado Day
Please accept any suggestions which mesh with the blueprint of your work, and ignore the rest.
First Impressions:
That poor child, staying with Aunt Mean.
Suggestions:
Great job showing the personality of Aunt Jane--I cringed when she yelled at Theresa the first time.
With the internal thoughts at the beginning, I was thinking the child was very young--four or five, but you don't state it. If Theresa is older, perhaps add to her thoughts about the situation, like how she feels about Grandma being sick. Maybe add the show she's watching. Teletubbies is for a toddler, while Bratz might give the impression she's almost school age. Or a mention of the weather--if it's winter, we'd know she isn't old enough to go to school yet. Just a little clue might add some insight into her thought processes.
“Well, I’ve got to go . . .”
Not sure if this info is needed, since it looks like Dad goes with them two days later to Aunt Jane's house.
She sighed, it was
She sighed; it was
or
She sighed. It was
My favorite line/s: “Yeah, I know. All you brats are just alike! You always look with your fingers. Come on, lunch is ready.”
Final Thoughts:
Rye bread? Jeesh, next thing you know she'll be feeding the child liver and onions! Aunt Jane is a spinster from the nether regions, and you paint her character perfectly.
Thank you for entering the "Invalid Item" contest. I am a guest judge this month.
First Impression:
Real worry and hurt show through in these thoughts about the event.
Suggestions:
You may wish to add an author's note or popnote explaining SMS. I'm not sure what the letters mean.
Favorite line/s:
I like the double meaning of present here:
How I cried for I thought this was my worst Christmas?
The worst because I felt so much longing to the not present you?
Overall:
I wouldn't think of this as abuse per se, because we've all worried about a loved one who didn't have the common decency to call, but I can see how a pattern of this type of behavior could be considered abusive. Can't say I enjoyed the subject matter, but I do like the rhetorical questions broken only twice by ellipses.
Love your user handle! Thank you for entering "Invalid Item" I am a guest judge for the contest.
First Impression:
I would guess all that rhyming would make the poem sing-songy, but I would be wrong. Amazing job on the rhyme, which makes the poem flow along smoothly.
Suggestions: Love holds on like a bind that overpowers.
You've got the perfect place for a simile, but "bind" doesn't give a concrete image. I suggest a physical object with the attribute of "binding", although I can't think of anything at the moment besides a rubber band. Sorry.
The touch of your hand, they spoke sweet words
Who are they? Touch is a singular, neuter noun so if that is the subject I suggest "it spoke sweet words."
Favorite line/s: Thinking of nothing but the laugh on your face,
Even that disappears in a grey, falling haze.
I'm falling to pieces; I need you to catch them,
Overall:
The point of view is a heartbroken soul, which comes through clearly. Nice job.
Thank you for entering the "Invalid Item" contest. I am a guest judge this month.
First Impression:
I love the title and tag line; it sums up the poem nicely.
Suggestions:
The ending seemed abrupt to me. Maybe remove the exclamation point, which gives an idea of "happiness" when there is none. I think the last line might be more powerful with a simple period.
As always, just a suggestion.
Favorite line/s: I was much too innocent, too happy, too free.
everyone seemed much offended by me
dancing through life on a wisp of a breeze
some were determined to bring me to my knees.
Overall:
Excellent rhyming and rhythm! The poem flows exceptionally well; the pain underlying the matter of fact tone seeps through. Nice job!
This is a delight to read aloud; a lovely cadence provided by the form stops just short of being lilting. The internal rhyme accentuates each stanza's theme.
I can see a lot of work went into this. I especially like your twist on a common saying. Just the right mix of spirituality, metaphor, and folk wisdom combine to give this poem a comforting depth. Loved it!
Man, I can totally relate to your experiences. The town I grew up in is Baptist, U.SA. Some families still have qualifiers after their names--i.e.: the Jews (or worse, those Catholics!)
Your pacing is great--it flows logically toward the conclusion. I would suggest an edit at the paragraph level to make sure the tenses match, etc. As a personal essay, reading it aloud brings out the lovely rhetoricical patterns, so that might be helpful. I also really wanted to know what your parents said when they learned about your friendship.
Fave lines: I knew in my heart that people everywhere, being creations of God, were equal in their humanity, as well as in the level of respect that they deserve.
Glad to see an awardicon on this one--unfortunately, we (humans) still need to read it over and over until it sinks in. Thanks for using your gift to tell it like it is!
I hope you'll find something useful in one reader's suggestions. They're given in the spirit of encouragement, so let me know if I step on your style!
First Impressions:
Simply. Amazing.
Suggestions: "Okay. But if you did, what would be stopping you?
Think about breaking this dialogue and showing his face more as he's talking. This might be a good place to slip in a description of what he looks like, too.
It seems the tone is melodramatic, turns casual, and returns to drama at the end. I think it could be more even. This could be intention, in order to build to the last line, which, by the way, is a gut-clencher. So I wouldn't dare quote it.
Fave lines: Fishing off of the rotting dock early on our second-last morning, with the sun just beginning to dissipate the mist off the lake, I imagined snagging my line on something near the bottom,
Overall:
The pacing is nearly perfect, the description alive, and the emotions palpable. Outstanding piece.
This review isn't a deep, meaningful critique--just an overall impression of your piece.
First Impression:
Wow! From the beginning I was with this lady in her worry. I'd be just as paranoid about letting my kids swim if I had such a recurring dream. Love the ending! I wasn't sure where this was going until the last minute.
Suggestions:
The ending could be stretched out a bit more. I'm not sure if you are under word restrictions, but a line or two about her floundering in the water, unsure if she has made it in time, might increase the impact of the final prayer of thanksgiving.
Favorite line/s:
Great way to let the reader know the dream is coming true. (Although removing the second instance of "seem" might bring us more into the "now".)
Suddenly the bright sunlight seemed to waver and the scene she was viewing seemed to pulsate back and forth - toward her, then away again. She felt dizzy and was sure that she had been in this exact moment sometime before now.
Overall:
Thanks for underlining the impact of our dreams. I'm in the camp that believes they come for a good reason, and this write illustrates that power clearly.
Write on!
In gratitude,
Kimchi
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This review isn't a deep, meaningful critique--just an overall impression of your piece.
Suggestions: madness or, death.
madness, or death.
an innocent, child's pony
an innocent child's pony
(If "innocent" goes with pony, perhaps "innocuous" might fit better for an inanimate object.)
There's a nice flow here, interrupted only by this line: alone at dusk, barefooted, wearing shorts, in the fall,
It feels disjointed with all the commas. Depending on your intent, a rewording may be in order.
It's the little details which make this short story shine, including the way Tara painted her home in the colors of her childhood, and the description of Pixie culture:
Extra points are given for soul harvesting. Last year I made it to fifth place on the point tally sheet.
Cute write that holds the tension throughout. Nice job!
Write on!
In gratitude,
Kimchi
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I so rarely take time to review your work, but I do appreciate both your talent and your many contributions to WDC. Please accept any suggestions which might strengthen your work, and toss the rest.
First Impressions:
Deserving of the awardicon!
Suggestions:
I'm not sure how you could work it, but I really wanted to know how a two year old kept quiet since birth. Even a hazy image of cardboard puzzles or homemade blocks (or sign language or learning several languages?) would be enough to turn off the mommy mind and suspend my personal disbelief.
This actually brought to mind the border scene from the movie based on A Handmaid's Tale by Atwood--a similar mistake on a child's part. I love how you structured this--it felt like a movie panning from the society at large, to the family unit, and zooming to the individual.
Another great device is the foreshadowing of the remainder of the line (and story) with the various connotations of the word "goosed":
He stopped and looked behind him, started as if goosed, only to lower his eyes as the familiar uniforms of the soldiers walked by.
Overall:
There are a few places I'd want to use semicolons, and I'd say a parent wouldn't "almost" have pride in their eyes at such a wonderful gift... But, that isn't enough to mark down a story in which you can find something new with each read. The anguish and fear lie heavily on the fragile beauty of the human condition in this polished piece. Layers upon layers are the mark of a great storyteller. Exceedingly well done. Keep writing!
Fortunately, I've only been witness to one person expiring. I was too close to her to notice the beatific light of which you speak, but I know it is a common occurrence.
It is said that hearing is the last sense to leave. I have no doubt your words and actions gave that man a sense of comfort as he left for greener pastures. I can also see how that would be a privilege for both of you.
Favorite line/s: His whole countenance was brighter, and his frequent coughing had given him a welcomed respite. I was so happy for him I couldn't resist giving him a big hug.
Welcome to Writing.com! If you have questions about the site or my review, feel free to ask! Please know that I offer any suggestions in the spirit of assistance, but take only those which might make your work stronger.
First Impressions:
Adore the tone in this--the Victorian phrasing is perfect for a love letter.
Suggestions:
Edit this thoroughly for punctuation, which leads the reader like musical notes.
For example, this lovely line needs punctuation after music and me: I listen to my music every note sounds like you to me every line, every stanza, just inflaming my affection even more than it was beforehand.
It looks like your formatting did not transfer. You can click the box during editing which preserves your formatting, or just add a blank line between each paragraph. It's easier to read on the screen that way.
Overall:
I enjoyed your letter; it brought back a lot of similar ones I've written over the years. Keep writing!
Welcome to WDC! You asked for feedback on the opening section of your novel, so I thought I'd share a few thoughts with you.
I like the repetition of "Tuesday night"; it gives the piece a nice rhetorical flow that ties seemingly unrelated events together. How can you not feel sorry for Matty? He's obviously upset by something, shown through his shaking hands and tears-- probably Jordon's death. We just don't know who Jordon is, and why that affects him so deeply.
There's a great depth of emotion here, and some lovely turns of phrase that pull the reader into the midst of the chaos.
...watching Morley tear Jack apart like a carrion while blood flowed like a peaceful waterfall from the left side of his scalp.
I suggest paragraph breaks--it's difficult to follow with the text scrunched up. You may also wish to run this through spell check and check the punctuation. Good presentation leaves a good impression on the reader.
If you have any questions about the site or my review, just e-mail me. I like following a story through the editing process, and I'm happy to re-rate after substantial changes.
This is an interesting start to your novel--you jumped right into the conflict with the wine bottle to hook the reader. Good luck, and keep writing!
This review isn't a deep, meaningful critique--just an overall impression of your piece.
This is simply amazing. Past, present, and future collide in this poem--both a personal account and an image of a culture in healing. It asks the right questions and finds the right answers. In addition, the wordplay is excellent. I especially appreciated:
For I love how the dawn is turning the bland sand
into crystals of light, tinged in hyacinth hues.
Such hope for the human race, when it is so easy to feel despair and blame others.
This review isn't a deep, meaningful critique--just an overall impression of your piece.
This is a hopeful story, told mainly from the little boy's point of view. It flows nicely from anticipation to the Big Event, and ends on a humorous note.
I enjoyed the small details--the palm tree, the toilet scrubbing, and especially the big word that gave a little boy hope--"exhuberant".
The front door opened, letting sunshine into the massive foyer. Her heels clicked....
The woman has not yet entered, although we know who she is. I was expecting a noun instead of a pronoun to introduce her. "A/The woman's heels"? A minor thing, but enough to make me back up and read it again.
A young child's insecurity and longing for a family come through clearly in this piece. Thanks for the read--quite enjoyable.
First Impressions:
This is exactly the type of write I was hoping to find in this contest. I love that you went beyond a single event and dug deep into your life, creating a mini-autobiography. You gave your past influences and your present motivations. Clearly, you've put a lot of effort into the entry and I bet you got a lot out of it, too.
Suggestions: My brother was a great roughly equivalent to about ten dollars in those days influence....
Typo-wrong sentence.
those who right free verse
write
purpose for past 31 months
purpose for the past 31 months
Personal notes: "The ball came off of the wall", or, "The book was laying on the shelf".
I share your pain at the deterioration of written English. However, I am guilty of both errors in my everyday speech. I would never write that way, but it is hard to change patterns established in infancy and reinforced by culture. (As you know, being fluent in four languages.) Grammar is patterned first, so I'm sure my child is doomed, too. I think it is funny how we view this so differently--I think in English, and I can't turn it off. So if those examples were used in, say, dialogue between two teenagers, I'd find it perfectly acceptable.
It was my thoroughness in English that later saw me sail with ease through my medical studies and, later, law studies, since the education in both these fields is largely imparted in India in English.
I had not thought of this, although it makes perfect sense, as a former colony.
I have written about 1500 poems each in Hindi and English so far, over a span of five years.
Kudos on this amazing accomplishment!
Overall:
Love that you give credit to your family members individually, describing exactly how they influenced you toward writing, as well as listing your motivations. You should be proud of your accomplishments in the fields of medicine, law, and poetry. Your story is one of a modern Renaissance man, and a joy to read.
Good luck in the contest.
Write on!
In gratitude,
Kimchi
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Aunt Jane is a spinster from the nether regions, and you paint her character perfectly. 
Thank you for entering "
Sorry.
So I wouldn't dare quote it. 
I think it is funny how we view this so differently--I think in English, and I can't turn it off. So if those examples were used in, say, dialogue between two teenagers, I'd find it perfectly acceptable.