First Impressions:
Great journey from technical writing to creative writing. Even if it takes a while, the buried urge to write must be uncovered.
Suggestions:
The tone is somewhat uneven. It starts out as technical, matter-of-fact writing and morphs into poetic prose. If this is a rhetorical device to show your evolution as a writer, it could be more clear. Otherwise, since this is autobiographical, you have leeway to make the first portion as eloquent as the ending.
My favorite line/s: Sprinkle those into the vast array of memories and chimerical fantasies that my muse helps me conjure, and you have a treasure trove of details just waiting to be plucked from the maelstrom in the sea of my imagination.
Overall:
I enjoy your professional style; it's easy to understand and follow. Not many people can write long sentences clearly, but you've mastered the flow. Guess it is all those tech manuals, huh?
You covered not only how you became a writer, but why you write and what inspires you. I enjoyed reading how the writing bug finally caught up with you, and can relate to it. The examples of feedback you've received and the comparison with public speaking also bring your ideas to life. Good luck in the contest.
First Impressions:
Deserving of the awardicon which graces this lovely piece.
Suggestions:
none
My favorite line/s: There were just too many handsome friends of my brother at the house. They would tell me a pretty girl shouldn't waste her time playing on a typewriter. I liked the boys, so I put the typewriter back in the closet.
Overall:
So glad you picked up that typewriter again! I like that you found a specific recollection around which to build your essay. It makes the piece visual and memorable. Congrats on finishing your novel!
First Impressions: Wow! This is one of the most eloquent short pieces I've seen on this site.
Suggestions: blood adorning a white jersey
Did you pick the verb for shock value? 'Cause it gave me a start. "Adorn" is not a word one normally sees with "blood".
My favorite line/s: Every time I cease my fingers, moments flash before my eyes: sunrises cutting shadows out of the darkness, muddy boots dripping onto just-cleaned linoleum, blood adorning a white jersey.
Overall:
This piece carries poetic visuals right into the reader's mind. You've described the art of writing exceedingly well. The only qualm I have is that you didn't answer the question: "How did you become a writer?"
Contest for existing Rising Stars...Monthly award of "Shining Star" status. by Tornado Day
First Impressions:
Fabulous! I love all the subtle nuances of synchronicity leading to a compelling and satisfying ending.
Suggestions: She didn't know it yet, but the stranger would change her life.
To me, this line and the teaser give away too much information. It feels like "telling", when you do such an incredible job of leading the reader to this conclusion for themselves.
My favorite line/s: Moments crept by before the surrounding murmurs and clanks of cups on saucers reached Jane's ears again. The electric hum in her head subsided, leaving ripples of serenity in its wake.
Final Thoughts:
Outstanding story showing not only superb command of the English language, but your unique style. The stacked details are just common enough to make the reader suspend disbelief.
Contest for existing Rising Stars...Monthly award of "Shining Star" status. by Tornado Day
First Impressions:
Excellent rhythm and rhyme, as well as a timeless and sweet subject matter.
Suggestions: A man you'll be and soon you'll learn
how to turn it inward until it burns.
Does "it" refer to freedom in this case, or being manly?
and you sing them out loud
without fear or restraint, for you know I am proud.
"For" makes the relationship causal, which tilts the motivation to parental approval rather than inner joy. Does he really sing out loud because he knows you are proud, or does he sing for the fun of it, and your pride is secondary?
Suggest: for/of which I am proud, which makes me so proud, or something similar
My favorite line/s: You amaze me as you create your tales
of pirates, knights and dragons with scales,
but my heart weeps as you tell other stories
of homeless people full of heartache and worries.
Final Thoughts:
Your son will cherish the poem one day-you paint him as a sweet and caring boy. The hope that he carries those qualities into adulthood is inspiring, as boys need to cultivate their inner knowing and compassion just as much as women. That is a powerful expression of culture all by itself.
Contest for existing Rising Stars...Monthly award of "Shining Star" status. by Tornado Day
First Impressions:
Powerful.
Suggestions:
None. Your unique style has peaked in this poem. The tone is calmly detached, yet the background anger is there, too.
I'm glad you put in the line about knowing the consequences, however.
My favorite line/s: anger, fury and despair finally found a home
tenaciously surrounding him in a web like cone
torturing his spirit as he had done to us
Final Thoughts:
An acrostic is hard to write, and this one conforms to the first letter rule without feeling forced. Well done!
Welcome to WDC! If you have any questions about the site or my review, I'm an email away!
I hope my honest review will be helpful to you. Please understand that I am only able to rate poetry from my feelings rather than any technical knowledge.
Such deep love in this poem; the pain and longing come through clearly. Great job with an authentic voice.
However, there are quite a few spelling mistakes. The site has a spell-check feature. As you are looking at your item in your port, instead of "edit", choose "spell" to the right side. Your mistakes will show in red!
Consider breaking this into stanzas. It might accent the lovely repetition of "I am yours forever".
My favorite lines: If I died I would come back as a spirit to be with you.
I'm yours from now to forever.
Thanks for reminding me of the intense feelings I had on my wedding day--under a cherry tree!
Contest for existing Rising Stars...Monthly award of "Shining Star" status. by Tornado Day
First Impressions:
I love the voice in this piece. The mage speaks with authority and confidence, while never “talking down” to the listener. The rich imagery and subtle wordplay (like “courts and catches”) weave together to transport the reader to a place of magic and mystery.
Suggestions: Where the ash tree is sacred in elegance it stands.
Consider punctuation to clarify this idea.
Where the ash tree is sacred; in elegance it stands.
Or :
Where the ash tree in sacred elegance stands.
panache
This word seems too modern for the historical feel of the poem.
My favorite line/s: Deciduous tree with grey-brown bark
Furrowed with diamond patterns to spark
Reverence in all who have seen its power of deep light
As tree of the universe it’s the trilogy of life..
Overall:
It is always a pleasure to learn something reading a poem, and this paints a moving and accurate picture of Celtic culture and beliefs. The phrasing and style fit the theme, rolling along in a languid nod to the wisdom of the ancients. Well done!
Contest for existing Rising Stars...Monthly award of "Shining Star" status. by Tornado Day
It is my pleasure to review your entry. Please accept those suggestions which resonate to your ideal of this work.
First Impressions:
Suggestions:
Opening line:
I find that there is a certain level of crazed fever which comes with the season of Valentine’s Day, especially within a small town, high school.
I like the authentic voice here. The first paragraph sets the structure for all the luscious descriptions to filter through the perspective of one average high school student. This lends credibility to her observations as well as her conclusions.
What do you think of condensing this and making it more active?
“I find that there is a certain level of crazed fever which comes with the season of Valentine’s Day, especially within a small town, high school.”
whom she knew and once she located one, walked
whom she knew, and, once she located one, walked (?)
The long sentences here combine in a lovely, fluid current, which I, personally, adore. The slower pace allows the main character's quips to unroll to the punch at the end of each paragraph. The comedic timing is impeccable.
However, style issues aside, attention to the mechanics will lead the reader while actually enhancing the rhetorical flow. Specifically, I suggest removing some adverbs and adding some punctuation. I’d be happy to give more detailed suggestions via e-mail.
My favorite line/s: The electrocuted frizzed hair of a punk goth with a glint of silver hanging from her lip was the first thing I noticed when walking into the cafeteria on lunch hour.
Final Thoughts:
Throughout this piece, the multi-layered description is masterful. Thanks for a highly entertaining read.
Contest for existing Rising Stars...Monthly award of "Shining Star" status. by Tornado Day
It is nice to see you entering the contest! Understand my poetry reviews come more from emotion than technique. I’m sure you can teach me a thing or eight.
First Impressions:
I’m not sure what form this is, but I can see the care taken in choosing each word. I especially enjoyed the repetition of “truth revealed”, and the switch from “last and believe” to “last and retrieve”.
Suggestions:
None.
Fave line/s:
Love the wordplay here.
Still stretching, grasping,
holding firm to terra,
Final Thoughts:
The earthly descriptions tether this poem just enough to help the last stanza soar in a powerful juxtaposition. Well done!
Contest for existing Rising Stars...Monthly award of "Shining Star" status. by Tornado Day
Thanks for entering!
First Impressions:
Appreciate the notes on the double etheree. The symmetry of the form accentuates the dichotomy here between memories and reality. Well done!
Suggestions: I search for hint of you
I search for hints of you
It doesn’t change the syllable count and sounds more natural to my ears.
My favorite line/s: Sure,
and soft,
sibilant
whispers of aid;
ventilated life.
Overall:
The alliteration of the first lines is an effective way to set the scene with the sound of life support. This is an all too (sur)real memory wrapped in pain, where hard decisions and regret lie barely concealed beneath your powerful words.
Contest for existing Rising Stars...Monthly award of "Shining Star" status. by Tornado Day
Thanks for entering! Please accept any suggestions which resonate--only you have the blueprint for your work.
First Impressions:
This piece has a compelling start and a powerful ending. Well done!
Suggestions:
Consider beginning the story with the sense of smell to hook the reader even faster. This would require only switching the first two sentences:
Nina wrinkled her nose…. She pulled into…
She couldn’t wait.... passing through the lobby
Here, the scene switches abruptly. She was in her car, then the lobby, but never got out of the car. Normally each scene is in a different paragraph. The easiest fix is to couple her internal thoughts with movement (swing her legs onto the pavement, open the door, whatever).
Passive voice:
The pace builds steadily in this story to an ending with a big punch. A few areas might benefit from active voice.
Dani’s blunt sense of humor had never failed to lift her spirits.
If you remove the "had", the emphasis is on how the note lifted her spirits in the present while still showing the shared history.
She became aware of her own heart beat and found herself listening to it instead of the doctors’ voices.
This is an awesome detail showing Nina’s consternation and confusion. Think about using more active voice to flesh out the feeling.
For a horrible example:
Her racing heart filled her body; drowning out the doctor’s voices.
Tears began to fill her eyes.
Tears filled her eyes.
My favorite line/s:
Nina tossed the envelope
I love this whole paragraph. It sets the scene beautifully and the description of Nina dressing is a subtle clue to the forthcoming conflict. Fantastic!
She kicked off her shoes, then nudged them carefully with a stockinged toe until they were perfectly aligned under the entryway bench.
Final Thoughts:
I know this seems like a lot of suggestions, but the reality is—this is an awesome write! The main character’s personality shows through her actions and dialogue, giving the story a depth befitting the subject matter.
Contest for existing Rising Stars...Monthly award of "Shining Star" status. by Tornado Day
I smiled at the first line, and then rode with you through the stress of class preparations. There are lessons upon lessons in this seemingly simple retelling.
For me, the rhythm wasn't quite there, and I stumbled over a few spots. As poetry is not my "thang", I won't give suggestions. Your style and mine are quite different!
My favorite line/s:
Your end line is perfect, but I also enjoyed: Unknowingly, they banished all I had feared
as my heart sang to
music of their magical chords
I like the shifting emotions in this piece--a ride on your self-induced crazy train. Good luck in the contest, and teach on!
Welcome to Writing.com! If you have questions about the site or my review, feel free to ask! Please know that I offer any suggestions in the spirit of assistance, but take only those which might make your work stronger.
First Impressions:
What a sweet and simple reminder of the beauty of nature and life!
Suggestions:
Consider finding a synonym for "simple". This might give your ending more impact:
The simple and beautiful wonders of her world. She, along with you and I, must simply and confidently, take it!
Favorite Lines: The warmth of the sun, embraces her like a favorite blanket.
Overall:
I love the way you set the scene, and the rhetorical questions draw the reader into your world. Thanks for sunshine on this rainy day. Write on!
First Impressions:
While this took a while to get started, the comedic pacing is spot-on, and you came through with a memorable finish.
Suggestions:
Accept or discard according to your vision of this work.
I noticed several said-isms (assured Lisa, muttered Jay). There’s nothing wrong with “he said”. If the characters have unique speech patterns or mannerisms, you don’t even need that—you can just have them “pass the salt” while they are talking.
Sometimes adverbs are a shortcut to the story in your head; uneasily, instantaneously, cautiously, edgily, etc. I like to slow the motions which show character and explore those, and cut the remainder. When it works, it can add smoothness to the story.
Favorite line/s: “I’m glad you like my hair and I’d hear you even if I was in another state. Was there anything else you wanted to shout about?”
Overall:
The highlight of the story was the great dialogue between the boss and a nonchalant toast-munching Meghan. For such a brief appearance, she’s quite the character! Good luck in the contest, and write on!
First Impressions:
The first paragraph sets the secene nicely and gives Jim's motivation.
Suggestions:
Please accept or discard according to your vision of this piece.
Blowing into his cupped hands, he stamped his feet. Boy, was he cold!
The second line can be omitted; it feels obvious. I don’t know how to explain my vague feeling any better—sorry. Anyway, you set the scene before this point well, so you don’t need it!
coming down. drifting down.
Consider re-ordering phrases or removing on of the “down”s.
the earrings he had bought for here earlier in the day.
Perhaps: “The earrings he had bought.” The second clause is not necessary information.
Maybe, she wouldn’t come out on this cold snowy night.
Cold and snow are used often in this piece; could you find synonyms? Or show more of Jim’s personality. Something like: “Maybe she wouldn’t come out on a miserable night like this.”
To take his mind off the cold he played back the first time they had met.
“Hey, what are you doing here?”
I was expecting the dialogue to be the start of a flashback. “He began to play back” might make the transition more smooth.
I love the story; it runs the gamut of sensations from longing to teasing. If I’m interpreting this correctly, Jim pushed the cop? I find it hard to believe there would be no hard feelings or apologies in that instance.
Favorite line/s:
Love the onomatopoeia here!
Craning his neck around the front window, he looked down the street; there wasn’t a soul, only an approaching sedan that moved slowly through the slush with a duet of swish and splat.
Overall:
The comedic twist meshes nicely with the prompt. Thanks for story with romance, humor, great dialogue and a few surprises. Good luck in the contest, and write on!
First Impressions:
Ella is such a wonderful character you are rooting for her from the very beginning!
Suggestions:
Love the first two paragraphs—a crying character is a great way to get the reader’s attention! The third paragraph begins to ooze from showing into telling. You could give this information from Ella’s point of view to draw a more complete picture of her sadness. Just a thought.
The story is all there, and a few details might enhance the emotion. Here is an example:
She felt like crying.
Was her mouth dry; did her stomach clench?
“I guess it can’t be help then. And I was even very excited in seeing the brother.” Graziella said, pouting and pretending she was eager to meet the brother, in order to change the mood.
The above bolded phrase is repeated information. Suggest showing how her words and her body language were saying different things.
Other spots could be tightened by removing extraneous words. Too many “be” verbs and adverbs lessen the impact of the nouns and verbs they modify.
For example: Graziella just stared
Here, “just” seems to have the connotation of either “mute”, “immobilized”, or both. I suggest exploring words in that range of meanings to find the perfect phrase to more fully describe Graziella.
Punctuation: It’s just a sweet beginning.” She replied.
It’s just a sweet beginning,” she replied.
What I liked:
I love how Ella puts her friend’s needs before her own; it’s a huge statement of character.
The fact that Ella could not remember her childhood is a nice pin connecting the stories, although the idea borders on cliche. I also enjoyed how Chris was genuinely chivalrous toward her—nice foreshadowing.
Favorite line/s: Their exchanged glances, the knowing smiles and secret clasping of hands during the whole wedding ceremony was enough to convey their emotions.
Overall:
Please accept only those suggestions which might make your work stronger. I think you have the talent to polish this solid framework into a memorable story.
Thanks for the misdirection and twist--your theme fit perfectly with the romantic comedy prompt. Good luck in the contest, and write on!
First Impressions:
I adore the theme of the ever-turning wheel; there is a beautiful symmetry in this story about an indigenous male's life experience.
Kudos for erecting an original yet timeless framework!
I felt the rhyming was not used to its best effect. There did not seem to be an even application of the technique. I suggest removing all the uncentered rhymes. In this reader's opinion it is too much of a good thing. Your prose flows beautifully without rhyming; to force it detracts from the accented poems.
A few places where the prose is poetry enough:
And there it was, the small…. A breeze caught her hair
Suggestions:
Where = Where are you?
Were = Where were you?
I get these confused sometimes, too, and a spell checker won't catch it!
would have appeared quite insanely.
would have appeared quite insane.
Since you've established the Source of all things as a name, it should be capitalized throughout: Source.
I love how your story flows! You've got the phrasing mojo, but you could use punctuation more to your advantage. There were a few spots which might need a semicolon or at least a few more commas.
Each speaker should have his own paragraph.
but then I heard it”.
It was a man who took up the last part of the story, raising his ancient voice to the air, letting it soar without a care:
The father does not yell his own name, so start a new paragraph: “Father!”
h He turned and noticed his two sons, six seasons old now.
Favorite line/s:
Consider removing “that were” to strengthen your opening line, which sets a lovely ambiance:
The orange glow softly empowered the grassy fields, the warm feeling of red light lingered here; an outer calm that were welcomed and gifted to anyone who would chose to take an evening’s stroll.
Overall:
You've done a wonderful job with the structure, tone, and theme of the story. Thanks for the intertwining symbolism which gives a lush depth to this romantic piece.
First Impressions:
Well done! You reeled me in with with intriguing, realistic dialogue which goes on to display both characters’ personalities. Great story in all.
Suggestions:
Watch your adverbs--especially in dialogue tags, which are opportunities to flesh out the character with movement. I probably wouldn’t have noticed if they weren’t in successive sentences:
Lara stared at me incredulously.
“What?” I cried out defensively.
It’s just something that I never got around to mentioned.
It’s just something that I never got around to mentioning.
(Or is this a regional thing?)
We’re getting married in a few weeks, and it’s time to put all the cards on the table.
I’m not sure present tense works here. Perhaps italicize it as internal thoughts?
Favorite line/s: “Ingrid?”
“Rolled over her foot on my motorcycle... and clipped her ankle with the kickstand.”
Overall:
Loved the set-up banter, and the ending was perfect. Thanks for a quirky yet feel-good story. Good luck in the contest, and write on!
First Impressions:
This sentimental story holds the flavor of an historical romance. I love the formal speech patterns.
Suggestions:
Rati and Ravi are similar names, but this is only noticeable during the vehicle scene.
Ravi stared the beribboned
missing word: at
Ravi glowered his way in their wake, his steps dragging and uncaring of the quicker peal of the class bell.
As written, "uncaring" seems to modify his steps. A comma after dragging may help.
“Oh, no. I have got all
The speech and tone seems a bit formal in spots for child’s play.
Suggest: "I've got"
was a bud yesterday, it will be
was a bud yesterday; it will be
(Semicolons join independent clauses.)
The fates seemed to be conspiring with Ravi, his mother allowed him to cut one of her cherished flowers; and he carefully wrapped it in moistened tissue.
Ask the comma and semicolon to switch seats.
bright scheme.
He spent much of the first period scheming ways
I only noticed the repetition because the words are so close together, although separated by a paragraph break.
Favorite line/s: His entire demeanour for that day made him akin to those sullen black thunderclouds that spit rain and threaten lightning.
Overall:
I love the romantic language, the way you explored a young boy's motivations, and the simple gesture of the rose. A sweet and sentimental story, good for the . Write on!
I hope my honest review will be helpful to you during future edits. Keep in mind these are one reader's suggestions. I like to review older pieces that the author probably hasn't played with in a while. And, despite my opinions on the finer details of the piece, it most assuredly deserves an awardicon!
First Impressions:
I love the mixing of past and future with a fairy tale! It gives the piece a classic air.
Suggestions:
Most of these comments are fine-tuning for the mechanics of your story. The plot, pacing, and characters are well wrought. These are my suggestions to make it shine even brighter.
of his fine swordsmanship ability.
I'm not sure this phrase is needed. The next one speaks of swords clashing, so you could remove this reference. The teasing details might lead the reader to the next sentence in anticipation.
Lord Petrus said playfully
You could delete the adverb here, because you show the Lord's playfulness when you describe him mussing his son's hair.
and immediately noticed the mess
In this exchange you've used "mess" three times. Suggest removing the first usage and condensing the sentence.
"...and immediately noticed the (debris? mass? litter?) of sunflower seed shells encircling his sister."
Margaret snapped with a venomous look
I like the conflict here. She spit a sunflower seed in his face, so the "snapped" is perfect. Consider a period after snapped and a full sentence to more fully describe her venomous look. Perhaps her eyes narrowed? Her lips pursed? {in that pout that only little girls can get away with)
Their parents were going through great pains of trying to make a lady and gentleman out of their children.
This sentence seems out of place where it is. It could be the motivation for Margaret's behavior, but it isn't told from her perspective.
Opportunities for precision:
While some adverbs are necessary, many times you can omit them and use a more precise verb, like in this awesome example:
Miles scampered over to her,
sitting lazily
How do you know she is sitting lazily? Suggest a verb that contains the connotation of laziness within it. Slouch? Slump?
quick tug Margaret sprang up fast.
"Sprang" and "tug" both carry the idea of "quick". Consider:
"Margaret sprang to her feet."
Dialogue tags:
If you are using a substitute for "said", the tag should be linked to the sentence with a comma. Also consider sticking with "said" and "asked" for most of the tags.
of my seeds.” Margaret commanded
of my seeds," Margaret commanded
remarkable indeed. It’s thick white
Consider linking these two related ideas together. ("It's" is a contraction of "it is"; "its" is possessive. I know it seems backwards and I forget it all the time.)
"remarkable indeed; its thick white...."
Miles stood quietly for a split second, and then he let out a loud, hearty laugh when he realized that the seeds were stuck very nicely to the web.
Silently, she was planning their next adventure.
In order to leave the reader with a concrete image, as well as a sense of mystery, consider expanding this line to show her scheming.
Maybe:
She sat silently, her mind filled with the possibilites of the next great adventure.
Shine:
This shows your talent for mood and setting:
The dancing breeze was just as entrancing, while it whispered a soft song through sturdy branches.
Overall:
I loved this story. The characters are rendered beautifully through dialogue, and the setting sings. A subtly powerful story of fortitude and friendship, as siblings learn to trust each other and themselves.
Finally, here's the last of three review promised from the New Year's gift exhange. I hope my honest review will be helpful to you during future edits. Keep in mind these are one reader's suggestions. Please accept those which will make your work shine, and let me know if I've stepped on your style.
First Impressions:
The ending was not unexpected, but you carried the tension through to a shocking conclusion. It just goes to show you don't really know another person.
Cut:
I don't think the introduction is needed. "They" say you should jump right into the story, and here I think that's a good idea. It is quite short, and you need to start with excitement and hold that tension. The title is enough of a teaser to tell the reader what the theme of the story is.
You could roll the setting of the intro into the first paragraph without losing the ambiance.
Polish:
The said boy then shifted, trying to detangle himself from his bulky blanket.
I finally figured it out. The "said boy" is actually Gareth. I was thinking it was his friend who was asleep. To get around the confusion you could use plain 'ol "he".
He shifted, trying to detangle himself from the bulky blanket.
When Gareth was contemplating
While instead of when may be a better fit, as the actions are going on at the same time.
Gareth was instantly snapped out of his trance.
Gareth instantly snapped out of his trance.
(Passive to active.)
There are also quite a few adverbs you don't need, because you do a great job of showing the boys' expressions with their movements.
Shine:
Gareth's confusion and emotional state is clear, and you make great use of his inner turmoil.
Suddenly, he felt Kyle’s hand touched his shoulder. “Gareth,” the blonde-haired boy said seriously, looking straight at the troubled boy’s deep, chocolate eyes.
Overall:
I'm amazed at your ability to tell the story from both boys' points of view simultaneously. Many times it only confuses the reader, but you've managed to do it seamlessly. I have to admit I'm envious! Keep writing!
Terima kasih,
Kimchi
P.S. Did you pick out your c-notes yet?
Here's the second of the three reviews in your gift cache from the
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.
I enjoyed your little chat with your caring side (as if you had a mean side!). Your goals are realistic and your tone strikes a nice balance between being proud of your accomplishments and encouraging yourself to do better.
I especially appreciate your commitment to wildlife. I will definitely buy any book you write about cheetahs if the proceeds go toward helping them. It's a great idea, and you are generous to think of the animals.
Great job! I hope you achieve each goal you've set for yourself this year. Write on!
Welcome to Writing.com! If you have questions about the site or my review, feel free to ask! Please know that I offer any suggestions in the spirit of assistance, but take only those which might make your work stronger.
First Impressions:
This is an excellent idea for an article. I noticed you have citations. Was it written for a class, or are you looking to publish it?
Polish:
Besides a few typos, your language fits the theme. My biggest suggestion is to expand each section with more concrete examples.
because the child run
because the child runs (around?)
but when is protection going to the extreme.
but when is protection going to the extreme?
so they understand what is bad.
"Harmful" might fit better than "bad", which brings to mind behaviors which are morally unacceptable vs. harmful to health.
Good health and nutrition help with the development of your child’s mind.
How does this work? Since this is an article, it may be helpful to flesh out this idea.
Here is to help you with the development of your child.
Is there a word missing?
Shine: Child development is critical to a child as they grow. They are precious and innocent, always learning and needing help.
Overall:
Your article is well-organized, covering the basics of child development. A few concrete examples, like learning not to touch a hot stove, might leave a more lasting impression in the reader's mind. We learn through symbols, too! Good job condensing the huge job of child's safety into a smaller package we can understand.
I hope my honest review will be helpful to you during future edits. Please accept any suggestions which might make your work shine brighter, and forgive if I've stepped on your unique style.
First Impressions:
Normally I do not enjoy stories which address the reader, but your character's realistic dialogue pulled me in. Nicely done!
Polish:
My suggestions are minor editing nits; most relate to modifiers and unusual phrasing.
fantastic story or implausible tale that
a fantastic story or an implausible tale which
into the yellowed, rough surface
in (or on) the yellowed, rough surface
insisted to stay with his brother for days, refusing eating or drinking anything when he did.
insisted on staying with his brother for days, refusing to eat or drink anything.
Soon, he began to talk incoherent things to himself
Soon, he began to speak incoherently to himself
his deciding to follow it, and his encountering his late brother’s spirit;
I think you could leave out all the uses of "his" except the last one.
He wrote about seeing a mysterious light...
yes, he said all these
yes, he said all this
or
yes, he said all these things
chatting or reminiscing their time together
chatting or reminiscing about their time together
had eventually had it enough.
had eventually had enough.
They said that, until now,
The sentence before speaks of Jonathan's family, so I would think that "they" in this sentence refers to them also. However, they could not possibly be alive. I think you mean "they say" in the general sense. I suggest adding a noun to clarify this. Perhaps "the townspeople say".
I so fond of.
I'm so fond of.
Shine:
Love this description! It hints of the supernatural occurrences to come. He needn’t think of what to say for his quill pen wove the words in an almost possessed way, stopping only to dip itself into the inkbottle.
Overall:
Yup--it's a classic ghost tale! You have a solid plot, your characters are drawn well, and it all flows nicely. You executed the ending so perfectly I never saw it coming. This short story is a keeper for sure.
Keep writing!
In gratitude,
Kimchi
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Wow! This is one of the most eloquent short pieces I've seen on this site.
Write on!
It was a man who took up the last part of the story, raising his ancient voice to the air, letting it soar without a care:
